Keeping Your Cool: Don't Chase Women


keeping your cool

The other day, a reader wrote in with a question about keeping your cool when women are being flighty or slow to respond, in reference to the post on what to do when girls flake:

In your article on girls not returning texts, I was wondering what your idea of a socially savvy way to deal with it was. I've found it hard not to take this personal, especially when it's from girls I've known longer that still do it. I understand it's quite common, but to me there's really no excuse. I'd much rather hear "I'm not interested" than waste my night waiting around, especially when considering how girls get when guys don't call them back.

You know, a long, long time ago -- it almost seems like another life -- I made it a point to respond to every single person who texted or called me, no matter what. I looked at it as a matter of honor, and took it as a point of pride -- I was reliable.

And it annoyed me to no end when people didn't respond. Like the reader above, I couldn't understand people who didn't respond -- I thought it rude, and I considered it inexcusable.

Of course you can take 10 seconds to text a reply, or 10 minutes to return a phone call, I'd think to myself.

I considered it a personal slight, those people who didn't respond.

I see things a lot differently nowadays. Often, I don't even notice when one person or another -- when one girl or another -- hasn't responded, until maybe much later -- and perhaps never at all. And, for all my earlier "principles" on being 100% reliable in responding to those who contacted me, I'm now sitting at somewhere decidedly below a 100% response rate -- maybe 85%, maybe 90%. I still try to respond most times, but it's no longer an unbreakable rule.

The reason why I changed -- both in how I saw it when others didn't respond, and in why I don't chase women with texting or phone calls anymore and why I don't always respond when people chase me anymore -- is what I want to share with you here.

 

Things Done Changed: More People, More Problems

Although I am a good bit more flakey than I used to be, and a good bit less responsive than I once was, I still try my best to be reliable and responsive. I think being responsive says good things about a man.

But, well, you see, life's changed.

I routinely get texts, emails, and messages from girls wanting to meet up with me. Girls I'd met before who are telling me they're going to be in town and want to see me. Girls I've spent time with at earlier dates who say they miss me and want to know why I'm not on instant messenger anymore or Facebook anymore or why I don't talk to them anymore and what happened to me.

Well, two things:

  1. I'm swamped -- like, literally, I'm working between 10 and 16 hours a day, juggling a social life, trying to get back to the gym, and I'm still falling farther and farther behind in everything I need to get done. I really can't spare another 2 or 3 or 4 hours a day responding to every single person who wants a response that day, and that includes a lot of women who want to meet up or chat or whatever.

  2. I've realized that these are girls who want to take up my time and offer little in return. It used to be that I'd just go for any girl I had a chance with who was reasonably attractive and had a tolerable personality. Now, just because of where I'm at with things, even if a pretty cute girl is chasing me hard, if she can't fit herself into my schedule or I'm not super sold on her, there's a good chance we aren't going to meet up.

Here's the thing: you can't tell people this stuff, because it makes you sound like a dick.

I'm not trying to be a dick. I really do feel a little bad each time some girl is messaging me excitedly to meet up... and I don't respond right away, because I'm busy, or just lazy, and then don't even remember that she messaged me again until like 2 weeks later. Whoops.

Of course, when I didn't have as much choice with women, it would be more like, "A girl messaged me! Wow!" and then I'd respond right away (well, after waiting a few minutes to not seem overeager!).

Now I more look at it and I'm like, "Ah, Jesus, another one... what am I going to do with these chicks?" I've been trying to meet up with buddies lately and pass them girls that I just don't have time for who've been chasing hard. Like, I'm not going to do anything with this girl, but maybe my buddy can make good use of her.

Funny thing is, this is all stuff girls do to lots of guys. Girls ignore guys' texts and emails, or maybe write them back much later. Girls get flustered because they're being bombarded with lots of messages from all these men chasing after them. Girls try to be cool and introduce a guy who's chasing them to one of their gal pals and try to get the two of them together.

I never understood this until quite recently.

I mean, I understood it in theory, but I'd never been in the situation where I was doing it myself. You really have to be in the situation and have the experience to be able to understand and really empathize with what's going on in someone's head -- and empathy's one of the biggest factors in keeping your cool.

 

Understanding It Intellectually vs. Actually Living It

I started coming to an abstract, intellectual understanding of women flaking and being unresponsive some time ago, just from talking to women about this and from meeting enough girls and talking to enough girls and having enough of them flake on me and enough of them not flake on me that I really started to see the patterns.

First, I want to remind you about the relationship between the level of attraction a woman has for a man, and the amount of time she knows him. This is what we discussed in "Attraction Has an Expiration Date," and the normal distribution for time and attraction in a situation where a man doesn't sleep with a girl right away looks roughly like this:

keeping your cool

Basically, the longer a girl knows you without becoming your lover, the lower her level of attraction for you will drop. As discussed in "Social Circle vs. Cold Approach," you get a little more leeway when you're dealing with women from your social circle -- but still not much.

Attraction's fairly high when you first meet a girl -- and then it spikes soon thereafter, before starting to fall if you haven't bedded her. There's some sort of mechanism buried deep in the most primal part of women's brains that seems to scream, "This is not a guy accustomed to sleeping with women! Therefore, he must be less successful with women. Therefore, he'll give me sons who won't do so well at spreading my genes with other women. Therefore, he's not a good choice as a mate."

To a woman, this just feels like, "Meh, he's a nice guy, but I'm not really all that excited about him. I was, when I first met him... but yeah, turns out he's really just a good, nice guy. Maybe we can be friends or something."

Time passes, and her excitement, enthusiasm, and sexual interest in a man quickly and precipitously drops. What that means for the man is this:

  • She'll become less and less eager about responding to him over text, phone, and email
  • She'll become more and more apathetic about seeing him in person
  • She'll fade more and more from his life

This is a value assessment, where the man is assessed as slow and unconfident for failing to move expeditiously, and he's judged as not being particularly desirable and the girl loses interest.

When you're a guy, it sucks, and it feels inexplicable. "Why did she just disappear? I don't get it!!!" And then you start chasing, trying to make things right. Often this happens totally unconsciously... you gradually and inadvertently toss aside the maxim of "don't chase women" and you start to chase instead.

I came across a great example of this last night in a conversation with my girlfriend. She was telling me about some of the guys who've been chasing her for a year or more. We talked about one of these guys on this site before, a fellow my girlfriend terms "Shopping Guy" because he'd always go hold her bags for her on little shopping expeditions (actually, he was either fortunate or unfortunate enough to have his own featured article, "The Sad Tale of Shopping Guy"). The guy my girlfriend told me about last night was a guy she calls "Ho Hai Guy," because he took her one time on a date to a place here in town called Ho Hai.

Ho Hai Guy, my girlfriend told me, originally ignored her, back in the days before she'd met me. And she considered him charming, and a good guy, so she chased after him and flirted with him a bit. She'd talk to him and try to get him to notice her. She really, honestly, legitimately wanted to date him.

So what'd Ho Hai Guy do? Well, he started spending time talking to her to, and texting her, and going and doing things with her here and there. None of those activities involved the two of them becoming lovers, of course, and with time, my girlfriend came to see Ho Hai Guy as just a friend.

And of course; if you think about it logically, what else would you expect?

Spend a lot of time with a girl doing only friend stuff -- talking, chatting, texting, shopping, going on little outings, having meals -- and absolutely zero lover / boyfriend-girlfriend stuff -- making out, sleeping together -- and you're really soon, really quickly going to get yourself seen as a friend.

Of course, right?

What happens though is that there's an imbalance in information.

Most of the guys who end up in the friend zone don't have many or any women in their lives. So, they move slow, not wanting to mess things up with this girl they like. And they project their realities onto her. She's the only woman in their lives, so they assume they're the only man in hers.

But it isn't that way for most women, especially not if they're pretty and nice and sociable and well-liked. Women like that get a lot of men chasing them, and they have to categorize men fast.

So, a guy who tries to take her home fast and rules himself out as a boyfriend and doesn't let her cry on his shoulder goes into the lover category. And the guy who wines her and dines her and sends her romantic messages and steals a kiss here and there goes into the boyfriend category. And the guy who talks to her and goes shopping with her and goes to do little activities with her but never makes a move goes into the friend category, or the "guy chasing after me that I might, someday, in a moment of desperation, be glad to still have around just in case of the off chance I might need him" category.

Anyway, I was discussing intermittent rewards with my girlfriend, and how rewarding people sometimes, but not all the time, encourages addictive levels of attachment, and I talked about specifically in responding to people who were chasing after you, and she mentioned that yeah, this guy Ho Hai Guy sends her messages, asking her how she is, what she's doing, when they can talk, telling her he misses her, and rubbish like that, and she usually ignores them, but every now and then she writes back something like this:

Hey, sorry I haven't been responding, I've been really busy with studying for my exam in September and with family stuff. I'm fine; thanks for asking! I hope you're doing good too.

And then she says she can see how happy and relieved he is in the response he texts back. He tells her it's okay; he understands she's been really busy and that it's very important for her to be studying for her test and that that's exactly what she should be doing. And then he tells her that after she takes her test, the two of them should do something.

*forehead smack*

Made me think of when I used to do this with girls. Also made me think that poor Ho Hai Guy really doesn't get it.

If a girl wants you and likes you, she's going to respond to your messages.

Yet here this poor guy is, chasing after the same girl he's been chasing for a year with no luck, not realizing that she's been in a relationship half of that time and she's just keeping him on the backburner, because 1) she feels bad not responding to him, and 2) she feels better knowing that she has some guys out there who are chasing after her.

"I think everyone likes that feeling -- the feeling that people are chasing after you," she said to me. And this isn't a manipulative girl -- she really cares about people, and doesn't want to hurt anyone. She's just very candid.

And she's right. Everybody does want to feel like someone is chasing after them. It feels good.

But until you experience it -- not just being pursued by anyone, but being pursued by women who are actually desirable and who other men want and pursue -- it's extremely difficult to empathize and understand what that feeling is. And what it is is power, security, and validation that you are, in fact, a very desirable, awesome person.

 

Keeping Your Cool, and Refining Your Strategy

I don't know about you, but I don't want to be like Shopping Guy or Ho Hai Guy.

Once I realized that this was going on -- that women kept guys in the wings because it made them feel safer, and because they could call on those guys at times for emotional support, or because they needed a guy to hang out with or go shopping with or see a movie with -- that was the moment that I became very anti-"hanging onto a girl."

If I didn't sleep with a girl in 2 dates, I didn't ever see her again usually by my own volition. Nowadays, it's the first date; if it doesn't happen then, it won't happen, even if she chases me. She probably doesn't get another shot.

And most girls do chase these days, and most girls do try to get another shot after our first date even if I didn't take them to bed. I just don't give them that next shot, because I'd rather go onto a more promising prospect, or else work on one of my businesses.

I went through a "moment of weakness" a while back after coming out of a long-term relationship, and in that moment of weakness I actually did, for the first time in my life, the traditional nice-guy-friend-chasing-a-girl thing. It sucked.

I plowed a lot of time into a girl, thinking that of course we were going to end up together -- I spent a great deal of time with her, I got her a prestigious new job after she'd been laid off, I single-handedly pulled her out of depression, I rebuilt her entire social circle, from scratch, I was her number one best friend and confidante -- I completely renovated her life and made it better in so many ways. Yet, I found myself unable to get beyond making out with her, despite repeated attempts. But I kept plowing hours a day into her, kept helping her out with stuff, confident that of course we'd be together. Meantime, I slept with a few other girls, but this one was the one I wanted as a girlfriend.

What finally snapped me out of my delusions were when I found out she'd been going on dates with other guys. I was like, "Wait -- what? This girl that I just, like... did everything for???"

I finally understood what nice guys go through. It was a big slap in the face.

So, I let her know I must've had the wrong idea about us; that I was going to have to go hit the dating pool pretty hard and wouldn't have so much time for her anymore (she protested, of course); and then I faded her out of my life really fast. She started chasing hard, and less than a month after fading her out, she called me up desperate and needing to talk and wondering where I'd been one night and I talked to her for about 20 or 30 minutes, told her she was going to be fine in her job and in life, and then dropped it on her that I had a girlfriend and that I had to go because my girl was almost over... and she seemed honestly stunned. Guess guys didn't do that to her.

Anyway, she got quiet and disappeared for a while. I broke up with my girlfriend, and then that girl reappeared and pushed hard to spend some time alone with me in my place. Guess by then she'd decided the overwhelming value I'd provided to her life before was sorely missed in my absence, and she'd finally decided she wanted to get together. I shot that idea down because, well... by that point, I was over it and not really interested anymore. That moment of weakness was gone, and I end up seeing her as pretty thick-skulled for not realizing the best thing in her life (me) and grabbing onto it with a vice grip when she had the chance.

I'm grateful for the lesson though, and I don't think I'll ever plow a lot of time into investing heavily in the life of a girl I'm not lovers with ever again. Because what happens is, as we've talked about other places on this site, if you become too valuable to a girl you aren't lovers with, she won't want to risk losing you for something as replaceable but potentially disastrous as physical intimacy. She doesn't want to risk the two of you getting together, then you breaking up with her or disappearing and then suddenly you aren't her friend or advisor or supporter anymore.

So, you don't give girls those things until the two of you are together.

  • You don't spend a lot of time on a girl,
  • You don't spend a lot of money on a girl,
  • You don't talk a whole lot to a girl,
  • You don't do a lot of things with a girl,
  • You don't try to help a girl too much,
  • And you don't try to revamp her life,

at least until the two of you are lovers.

At that point, if you're sleeping with her and she's sleeping with you, if you want to spend a lot of time on her, or buy her something nice, or talk to her all night, or go skiing with her, or help her find a better job, or introduce her to cool new people -- yeah, that's cool.

But you can't do that stuff before the two of you are lovers, or you probably will never become lovers.

Most guys try to do this stuff up front as "proof" of what great boyfriends they're going to be. I know, because I used to do some of it -- not the nice guy friend stuff, but I did do the "I'm going to spend a lot of time talking to her on the phone and text her a lot and I'll become an integral part of her life -- THEN we'll get together!"

Nope, doesn't work that way.

You do it after... otherwise, you're going to encounter a wall of resistance to the two of you becoming lovers that's a mile high.

She won't want to risk sacrificing ALL she's getting from you for what might be a one-time roll in the hay.

And that can even include just knowing that she's "got" you -- that can actually be quite valuable to women.

One more thing my girlfriend said about Ho Hai Guy: she said that she'd wanted to "conquer" him. Because he'd been a charming guy, and he'd been ignoring her. But once he started chasing -- she knew she'd won. The challenge went away, and with it, her desire for him.

Most women aren't as honest as my girlfriend is with me. But most women, to one extent or another, really do feel this way. It's not so good an idea to get into the habit of chasing women; you sabotage yourself when you do.

don't chase women

 

Don't Chase Women -- Make Stuff Happen Instead

Chasing is one of the most poisonous things you can get into doing with a girl. Once you're chasing, you're done. Almost always.

If you disagree, then riddle me this: how many women you've chased after -- like, really hounded with calling and texting and begging them to go on dates -- how many of those girls have you slept with or turned into girlfriends?

Probably none of them, right? So why do guys keep doing this?

It's an unconscious response, and it's one you can't control. Chasing is just how people respond to things they want and can't have.

The thing is, the harder you chase, and the more invested you become, the more and more and more you end up wanting something, and going crazy over it.

Chase after a job, and you come to want it more and more.

Chase after a certain school you want to attend, and you want to get into that school more and more desperately.

Find a girl you like and start chasing her, and she transforms from a girl you liked to a girl you want bad, to a girl you're crazy about, to a girl you're head over heels in love with (or at least you think you are... it's more your idea of her than her as a person, especially if you've been chasing her a long time and not spending much time with her. Ho Hai Guy and Shopping Guy are chasing after ideas of my girlfriend. Another guy -- Fetish Guy -- I'll get a post up on his rather interesting story too at some point -- he hardly knows my girlfriend, only met her once for an hour, and is chasing after the idea of her too, even as he thinks he's falling in love with her).

Don't chase women. It kills their attraction for you, and it's going to tear you up inside pursuing a girl who's -- because you're chasing her -- forced to start running away.

Here's what you do instead:

  • You keep things simple, direct, and to-the-point.

  • You only use texting and phone calls for a very little bit of getting to know a girl.

  • You primarily use texting and phone calls for setting up dates and handling logistics -- sell her on you in person, not over the phone.

  • You get her out soon after meeting her, and move fast.

  • If she's social circle and you've known her for a long time, you make a big push to get her out, and close the deal then.

  • Aim to get together with girls on Date #1. Why? Because she's out with you, and there's a good chance life intervenes and there never is a Date #2, even if Date #1 goes reasonably well. Also, the chance that a girl sleeps with you on Date #1 is higher than Date #2 and way higher than Date #3 in most cases. Even conservative girls -- yep, still will sleep with you on Date #1 if you handle things appropriately most times.

    A few notes on this one: don't ask girls, because they'll tell you of course that won't happen. And before you say girls won't go to bed with you on Date #1, answer me this: how many times have you tried?

  • For your own sanity, adopt a cut off mark for girls. e.g., you might say, "Okay, if we aren't lovers after Date #3, she and I are done." Of course, to make this legitimate, you need to be trying to get together with her too -- you need to tell her to come home with you at the end of Date #1 and/or 2, and if she doesn't, you need to try again at the end of Date #3. If she still doesn't, write her off.

  • After you adopt a cut off mark, add a conditional exception. e.g., for me, I have a few exceptions to my one-date rule. If a girl's really exceptional, and I really really like her and I think she'd make a great girlfriend, I might see her one or two more times if we don't sleep together on Date #1 and I'll try to make it happen then. If she's not as exceptional, then I'll have the condition that if she wants to come over and hang out at my place, we can do that, but otherwise, I won't invest any more time into her.

    So like a girl I've been on a date with who wouldn't go home with me, normally I'd write her off, but if she started texting that she wanted to meet up, I'd text her back, "Honestly, I've been doing so much lately that I really can't get out from under a pile of work. I could chill though -- you could come by, we'll cook some food or order a pizza, and just kick back and watch a movie. You game?" That weeds out a lot of them and you won't hear from them again -- those were the ones looking for a friend or a guy to chase them -- but both the ones that like you a lot, and the ones that just want a strong, sexy guy to take them to bed -- both of those girls will say, "Okay."

Getting some rules like this up and running gets you keeping your cool a lot more easily, streamlines your dating a lot, and really ups your results. You become lovers with more girls, higher quality girls, and you get the girls you want.

Wait, you might say, how does being aggressive and ruthless like this help you get the girls you want? Won't those amazing high quality women be scared off by stuff like this?

And that's a completely understandable concern. Here's why I'm recommending the route I am:

Think of what happens when you meet an amazing girl that you really, really like. Maybe she's incredibly beautiful; maybe she's got a killer personality. Maybe both. So what do you do?

You go really, really slow, try not to mess stuff up... and then you don't get her. She fades away, and you end up becoming upset that she isn't responding to your texts anymore, like what happened with our reader at the start of this post and what happened to me plenty of times in the past.

So why's having a solid process like this help you get the girls you want to get?

Because even incredibly beautiful girls and girls with killer personalities and girls who have both are still just GIRLS. And they still all respond to exactly the same stuff. They still all want a man who's going to man up and make stuff happen... and all the guys who aren't get to go cool their heels in the friend zone and spend the next couple of months or years chasing after them until they finally give up and go repeat the process with some other girl.

Don't be one of those guys. Don't chase women; don't go crazy holding out for that one special girl. Understand that past a certain mark, she really is lost, and that trying to get her back is like trying to get back a job offer again once the opportunity's already passed you by because you took too long to take action and seize that opportunity.

Sure, maybe if you hound the people at that company like crazy, they'll eventually hire you. Probably not, but maybe. And sure, maybe if you hound that girl like crazy, she'll eventually date you. Probably not, but maybe. But yeah, really probably not.

Sucks to hear, I know. You've been throwing a huge amount of time into chasing after a girl, for a long time, investing boatloads of your time and energy and effort and everything else into trying to get her, and all the while she's long since moved on and sees you as a friend or a guy she's "conquered" or is keeping on the back burner "just in case."

But what's encouraging is knowing that next time -- with all the other women you're going to meet in your life -- you can do it right. Just like you're probably not going to get that job that you had a shot at but didn't take the shot for and now it's gone, so it is with women you had a shot with but waited too long to take that shot. But just as there are plenty more jobs out there you can do it right with next time, so too are there plenty more women out there you can do it right with next time, too.

You've just got to make sure you seize the opportunity, and push for the close. That's what separates the friends and the conquered and those waiting in the wings from the guys who end up being girls' lovers and boyfriends and more.

Chase Amante

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Comments

Anonymous's picture

Amazing


You are amazing. Nothing else from me.

Keep it up!

zacc's picture

re


NOW, finally, some interesting stuff thats not all just basic female psych:) I spose i should not expect too much, as im not really the type of guy that has any problems getting women, i dont like going out hunting anymore, its far more efficent to just wade through the long list of date requests from chicks on one particular date site! I fast found out that any more than one site was totally unmanagable:/ For me, this is mostly "some" interesting things i did not know, but mostly, so far anyway, most of it was not news:/ Then again, im not a kid, at 54:/ THIS, latest e book, looks like it will be handy:). I was getting a bit bored with the earlier stuff:) I do find the total concentration put in to "bedding them..fast" is a bit obsessive:/ Sure, its important to get them there fast, but not girl after girl, i just dont get this, sex for the sake of it is boring:/ As you get older, you will find that just fucking a different chick every night[or whatever]. gets OLD!! You want to relate on an intellectual level, and how the hell can you do this when you spend only a night on a girl, then move on:/ BUT, i have been doing this a LONG time, i spose as a young guy, i was different, but as i recall in those far off days,lol, i was never into multiple conquests a week...well, only for a year or two starting as a 17 year old:) [going "out" for it that is,lol. Bit hard to get in to clubs, any younger:) Getting a bit more interesting NOW Ritchard:)

Anonymous's picture

This took me hours to read


This took me hours to read because of the impact each sentence had on me, and just how it was too true to my life. I've made (make) everyone of the mistakes you said on here to a 'T'. wow. Great article, this gave me a lot to think about.

joshua-calebb's picture

agreed


I agree completely, most of the stuff in this article hit me hard as well. -it took me like 2 hrs to finish this!

Chase Amante's picture

Thanks fellas -- glad you liked the post

Author

Felt kind of freewheeling and tangential when I was putting it together. Trying to keep this stuff on-course and stray not off-topic can get a little hairy at times ;)

Chase

PUA Vault's picture

Wish I had read this 2 days


Wish I had read this 2 days earlier. I've met a cute girl I've gone out 3 times with and barely got in a kiss. Granted she's from a different (asian) country so things are done differently there...or, are they? I've definitely pushed for the kiss and she's averted it so far. I felt like this last time I wasn't aggressive enough and told her 'okay I respect your culture I'll stop..for now' but I almost feel like I missed the window, so this article came very apropos (albeit, late) - and you're right, I've played it much safer with this girl because she's higher quality, but at the same time I realized it's a lesson learned, and if I can't/won't be able to close this because its too late, at least it's something I've noticed for next time.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Wish I had read this 2 days

Author

Hey PUA,

Yeah, sucks when you start getting that feeling that the window's closed. It's always the ones you like a lot, isn't it?

Well, should you see her again, here's my politically incorrect view for how you deal with "dodging the kiss" scenario:

Manhandle Kisses

It's been working quite well with Asian girls in Asia ;)

Best,
Chase

Anonymous's picture

It's totally normal


As an Asian girl, I can tell you it's a cultural thing. Asians place much emphasis on more long term committed relationship. Therefore, a girl will often hold out until she learns more about you and understand that this relationship can develop. There is no way that she would know that based on just a few dates. Developing a relationship requires a compatibility on many levels and only time will help her understand who you are.

Have you ever considered that perhaps she hasn't kissed anyone before?
With a high quality girl, you have to be patient.

Friend Zone's picture

Wow this article resonated so


Wow this article resonated so well with me. Granted I haven't had that interaction with women and I just ended my undergrad so some windows have been missed but I wondered why I was always in the friend zone. Now I see why. Great article man!

Non-Chaser's picture

So True.....


I've always been a bit ahead of the curve psychologically, so alot of these things, the understanding and "reading between the lines" in situations has always come natural to me, but this is a great "summed up" article. I'm actually going through a bit of this as we speak. The first interaction was great, connection made, second interaction got the number, still all smiles and flirtiness, then enter text convo's to set up a personal hang...and cue the hard to get, stand-offish, unsure flakiness....I'm already turned off and moving on. I know so many friends who chase and chase, I really don't understand it.

The only part I slightly dis-agree with is the sleeping with the girl on the first date part. I actualy value women that respect themselves enough not to do that. My philosophy is, if she sleeps with you on the first date, with little to no effort, and this girl ends up your girlfriend, that doesn't say a lot for her moral meter. That's not to say you shouldn't try, however, chances are she's the kind of flighty, easy broad that will end up a little too tipsy at the bar one night and leave with her next conquest because naturally as a woman, she's bored with you and you of course know, she's DTF on date 1. If we're talking flings and one night stands, I'm 100% in aggreance, potential LT girlfriends, not so much...

All in all though, as it pertains to the chase....dead on, poinient advice. Nowadays, communication via email, text, phones, internet etc. is so overblown that it's much, much easier to just move on to the next mission. In my case, I absolutely gotta have the personality with the looks as well, sometimes personality over looks, but if a girl gives you the run around, just MOVE ON there are entirely too many others out there in bars, clubs, libraries, grocery stores, anywhere you can imagine that you haven't even talked to yet.

If any ladies reading this are saying, "yeah but If I don't play hard to get, he'll think I'm desperate or easy, or (insert adjective here)"

To most guys I know that understand this Montra, those games are nothing but a turnoff, and a giant green light to head in the opposite direction, especially if it continues.

Best of luck to the friend zoners!

Chase Amante's picture

Re: So True.....

Author

Howdy Non-Chaser,

You sound like a pretty well-versed guy who's been around the block a few times. Appreciate you sharing your findings, man.

I also used to think it was really important to have a girl who wouldn't sleep with me on the first date as my long-term girl. But I reached a point where even the really conservative girls that other guys would spend months or a year chasing after before they got sex were ending up in my bed on Date #1, and that kind of went out the window for me.

The ideal is getting nuanced in your screening. e.g., a girl may sleep with you fast if you're doing everything entirely right, but you may well be her second lover and she's very conservative and loyal and reserved and you stand a good chance of being the only guy in her life she ever sleeps with that fast.

Alternately, I've seen plenty of guys who came across a "pro" who'd been with 30+ men, many quite quickly, who realized she had to play it slow to rope in the guy she wanted. So she did, and the guy thought of her as a conservative, relationship-worthy girl (sometimes knowing her past, sometimes not; the funniest is when female friends of mine whose storied pasts I know end up in relationships with guys who think they're angels... very easy to use men's investment-to-sex and time-to-sex instincts against them for getting relationships).

Moral of the story: this is one of those cases where picking apart her past is usually a much better predictor of future loyalty than her time-to-bed with you in an isolated incident (your first time).

But for sure brother, keeping the move on with girls that are a headache is the way to go. There's something to be said for sticking it out to train yourself up, but other than training purposes, chances are a guy who's getting the run around either messed it up in the beginning, or the girl really will be a headache if he gets her!

Cheers man,
Chase

Harry's picture

1st Date Lay


This is something I always went for as women have considered me a sexy, masculine man; why else would they be going out with me except to get laid? They basically know nothing about me except that I'd like to screw them if given the chance. The 1st date provides that opportunity. As far as girlfriend material goes, if your date is playing according to social convention, how does that make her moral? Just because she doesn't put out for you until the third date doesn't mean she isn't having sex with someone else inbetween your dates. Check her stockings at the knees for asphalt or oil stains.

Matt's picture

Chase I read your stuff


Chase I read your stuff everyday. Great material. Could you elaborate on one point you made earlier, specifically:

"If she's social circle and you've known her for a long time, you make a big push to get her out, and close the deal then."

What makes for a smooth 'big push'? I will be making a big push sometime this week on a girl I'm interested in, any advice? BTW I go out almost every night a week so I know that the women are a plenty, so if it dosen't play out it's no biggie.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Big Smooth Push on a Social Circle Girl

Author

Hey Matt,

Thanks, brother.

A big smooth push would just be talking to her, focusing in on her pretty intently, and then, on a high point -- as she's coming down off of laughing, for instance, or as your eye contact with her lingers and the two of you just stare at one another without saying anything -- tell her, very purposefully, "Let's grab a drink this weekend," or, "Let's you and me hang this weekend," or some such thing.

Then iron out the details right there (she says "okay," you say, "When are you free?" she says "Sunday noon" you say, "Sunday noon at XYZ place [close to your pad] -- cool?" she says "yeah" and you say, "Cool. See you there," and make your exit).

And you're golden ;)

Chase

Anonymous's picture

thanks


thanks.

Anonymous's picture

Question


Thanks for the great info.

I dated a girl and I didn't sleep with her and like you said I started making all the mistakes you mentioned! After sometime, I stopped chasing her. I see this girl most of the time since we are classmates. Now, after 3 months or even more, she is trying to make me jealous by telling me she is going to visit a friend (boy) or writing on my best friend's wall, adding me to her Facebook that I deleted before....

I didn't respond and now, she has started ignoring me.

What is this behavior? I don't know why?

I hope you can help me with this.

Cheers

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Jealousy plotlines

Author

Hi Anon,

That's pretty standard behavior in social circles. Women like to keep men in orbit and on backup, so they want to remind you of how valuable they are and how much you're going to miss not being with them, particularly if they thought they "had" you before or if they liked you.

Best philosophy for responding to this behavior? Get strict. It's either:

  • She can come meet you and spend time with you (and you push to move things forward hard), or
  • You drop her from your life and don't contact her or follow up with her, and simply ignore her whenever you see her.

That'll either get her to come around and let her get together with you if that's what she wants, or cut the annoying stuff out of her life if she's just trying to make you regret not sleeping with her.

Chase

four250's picture

Chase, great response, but did you make a typo?


Chase, great article and great advice to this "anon", but one line in your reply is not making sense to me, so please clarify:

You said "...cut the annoying stuff out of her life"

Did you mean "cut the annoying stuff out of YOUR life"?

Please verify that.

Thanks and great article!

Anonymous's picture

Chase, Great read but maybe


Chase,
Great read but maybe you can help on my situation. So i met a girl I got her number she wouldn't hardly ever reply finally I thought i'd give up a couple of days later I messaged her again. She finally agreed to let me take her out. So we went out things went well and decided we would continue the date after dinner. We had a blast we ect. The next day I messaged her and she messaged me back but was taking forever to respond. I messaged her briefly again later than night never heard back from her. The next day I message her and she messages me back a few times and then thats it again not getting anything back from her. What do I do. I like the girl I thought we had a great first date and I want to take her out again I did invite her over and do something like grill out ect and thats when I haven't heard back and I wanted to message her back and ask why she hasn't responded but don't want to "chase" to hard either.

Let me know your thoughts.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Girl stopped responding

Author

Hi Anon,

Yeah, that's tough when things don't go anywhere. Unfortunately, you're never going to bat 100, and sometimes you'll get a hit and sometimes you'll get a miss. It sounds like you put in really good effort on this, did a lot of texting and follow up and set up the date and tried to move things forward, and it just isn't working out and she isn't all that interested. That happens.

Best to do? Go back, analyze your interactions, see where you might have not hit the right notes on your first impression and on your first date, if you missed any escalation windows, and what else you could've done differently and how you could've persisted a bit more or how you could've moved a bit faster or connected with her on a deeper emotional level or come across as a more sexy or sexual guy. Basically, use this to do some troubleshooting, and then go out and meet some new women and apply the lessons you've learned and do things better.

Cheers,
Chase

Corey's picture

Help with the actual fixing of this.


Hi,

firstly, found this site by accident. Was looking up something from facebook and saw "What to do when girls dont reply" and it hit me. I read several of the articles and realized why my longest lasting relationship worked but the recent ones havent. I was quick, fast, got things done. Now I would like some help with the girl im talking to now.

Basically, long story short, shes everything Ive ever wanted. I knew it the moment I met her. We kinda talked, I chased, she got a bf. I stepped out of the picture for a month, she called me saying she wanted to talk. Ive spent the last 2 months hanging out/texting. Only recent its not the same. She stops replying, at first I was frustrated. Then upset and etc. just as you explained. My need is, id like to know how to fix this. Immedaitly. We have a schol dance im taking her to this weekend. Admittadly, by reading this article, ive found my mistakes. But id like your advice on a course of action.

Rosca's picture

This is pretty helpful.


Hey man, like, I've read this article, and I've kind of felt better about the situation that I'm in.

The girl that I used to have a crush on somewhat shut me down. Like I remember us meeting at a party where we grinded for a minute only for her to dance on some other dude. And it felt like everytime I tried to talk to her, she would always be in a bad mood, but happy to be with other dudes.

So, I decided never to text/fb chat her again. But its so awkward how like we're always randomly at the same place on campus. I don't know what to do. I don't even know if my ignorance of her presence is even working.

Could I have some advice on how to handle her? I'd like her to chase after me, but idk how.

Anonymous's picture

similar occurance


I have actually spent the past few hours reading your blog. I actually have a question on what to do with my current situation. Like you said i moved fast with this current girl had sex the first time we hung out. Now we have gone on two dates and nothing has happened each time she was really tired and the following she got sick from food. Originally I didnt want to date or do anything and I believe thats why we first had sex when we first hung out the craving for what she couldnt have. It seemed that after we did this though and she realized she could have me she has backed off considerably. The girl recently asked me to do something only to later say she wasnt feeling well. I've pretty much given up on her with texting and get texts from her daily about how shes doing in school and everything and yet when i respond to her i get nothing. Any advice on what to do? The girl even told me the first time we hung out that she was really into me. Any advice on this topic? PS i love your blog. The girl also gets a lot of attention from guys. In my opinion i'm just going to move on and let her chase me.

Gunner's picture

Hi Chase, GREAT article. I


Hi Chase,

GREAT article. I just came across your website when I found myself chasing a girl I initially had success with. This was a tough one... She got in my head VERY quickly. We had an amazing date, where I had every opportunity to close, but figured I'd be a "gentleman" and wait for the next one (and kinda make her want it a little). Well, surprise, that date never came. She cancelled two dates in a row. I got a little frustrated after the second cancellation. Now she's claiming she's not dating right now cause she's getting over someone else. I'm pretty sure if I played my cards right this wouldn't have been a problem.

I'm sure she's telling the truth to some degree, but I think what happened is that I took it so fast mentally and ended up scaring her off. I found myself thinking that, "Holy shit, this might be the one!" I was so surprised at the instant connection I felt with her. I kept telling myself to PLEASE not screw this one up. And what do you know? It's over...

Now, I could make a pretty good list of the things I think I did wrong but I'd say they were mostly due to the over-thinking that came with these feelings. My question for you is: how do I combat this obsession in the early stages when I DO feel like I've met a great girl? I know this sabotaged what could have been a great thing. I can't let it happen again!

Cheers!

A girl's picture

Aaalright


Interesting article. For the most part I agree.
But may I just say, being a lady myself, know a lot of great women who wouldn't be giving it up after their third date, nevermind their first.
Some people don't want to risk getting std's, pregnant, or just making things overly complicated after one date. And most girls want to be comfortable and IN LOVE with a guy before they do that!
So if the third date was legitimately a guy's cut off point, he's going to miss out. And I must say he'd seem like a bit of an ass.
And the first date thing- if you're lookong for one night stands.. aaaalrighty then. But otherwise, that's just rediculous. No self-respecting girl would want that. If a guy pushed me for sex on my first date he would seem overly desperate and horny and I would be majorly turned off as well as disappointed. To be honest, I'm a little disappointed myself if that really is a guy's main goal on his first date.
Anyways, I agree with the central 'don't chase us' idea though. That's so true- it scares us off. And the tip about saving most of the 'getting to know you' talk for in-person conversations is definitely one to think about. I think that was in this article, right?
Overall, my advice is remember to be natural and be considerate. And you have to realise that every girl is different, as is every guy, and every relationship.

JP's picture

THE CONCEPT OF EARLY-ON RESENTMENT:


THE CONCEPT OF EARLY-ON RESENTMENT:

Now that I have a small break today, I want to spend a moment and expand on an earlier post and talk about the concept of “Early On Resentment” – I rarely ever have to explain this to guys because most guys, like 95% of them, get it and understand it innately.

Early On Resentment manifests itself when you’re trying to establish something with a new girl you’ve met and she’s making things difficult in an blatantly obvious, annoying way. This can manifest itself in a number of ways, but it essentially boils down to either doing things, or not doing things, or saying things that are not conducive to the two of you getting together. Often the girl’s machinations and maneuvers are guised in a kind of passivity to the point where she never completely removes herself from your presence (in other words the calls and texts still arrive just about the time you’ve forgotten her) but rather instead always has excuses as to why she can’t get together – but doesn’t attempt to stop all communication with you either. Often she’s trying to “toy” the guy into a chase scenario, which further amplifies Early On Resentment.

Early On Resentment is thus created and happens if and when you do finally get together and is stored inside the mind of the guy throughout the relationship. Early On Resentment is a nagging, annoying reminder of how the girl made your life with her difficult in the beginning – a reminder that never goes away – and a reminder that makes it easy and justifiable to exit out of the scenario with her at a moments notice. Early On Resentment is a spring girls put into the guys step before things have even formed – in other words, by making things so difficult in the beginning and essentially pissing the guy off – you’ve made it easier for him to chuck it, ditch you and in some cases, cheat with a girl who made things easy and essentially respected his headspace, mind and emotions enough to not make things overly complex or difficult.

Early On Resentment is a form of disrespect, because by making things difficult, you are disrespecting the guy’s headspace and forcing the guy to spend time thinking about unproductive things that ARE NOT going to add value to your situation with him and in fact, complicate his life. It’s a zero sum, no upside, bullshit behavior that takes away from a man’s productivity. If you do this he WILL RESENT you, even if you’re together. Guys make up their minds very quick – yes I want to do this, or no I don’t. So the only proper way to handle it is to either go with it and make getting together easy – or completely disappear 100% from the picture. Disappear as in no reaching out, no texts, no bullshit excuses to contact him, etc. Gone, done, vanquished from the planet. And FZ’ing a guy is a severe form of Early On Resentment that creates massive amounts of bad feelings even in a relationship scenario awash in sex.

FACT:
If you make things difficult with a new guy in the beginning - there is a very strong likelihood that he will cheat with a girl who made things easy and thus, essentially respected his headspace, mind and emotions enough to not make things overly complex or difficult, which is more than you did by making things difficult. The solution? Either make things very easy in the beginning with someone new - or disappear completely and do not game him, call or text, just disappear. Men actually prefer that you just go away completely in this instance. It's the only way to not create resentment in a guy's head.

Make things easy, smooth and fun – or be gone, completely. Ask any guy and he’ll tell you this.

JP

Mohit's picture

Chase in the making.


Dude you are it. I so get all the contents of your articles. You know, i have been that nice guy you talked about and the new guy who takes his decisions and goes ahead with it. I was on a journey of self improvement and you just fast tracked it.
Cheers to you mate. keep writing your experiences.

Anonymous's picture

Will all these rules apply to guys who like recently divorcee's?


I have a long time friend who is getting divorced, her husband wrecked the whole thing and I've been changing out of the guy I used to be with her. I've felt a spark that might be there from her to me, but she's vulnerable right now. how many of your rules and tips on this sight will benefit me in this situation? I'm looking to juggle between keeping the friendship but growing it into something better and not get stuck in the friend zone. I know if I aim too high, I'll lose my chance, the friendship and her. I know if I aim to too low and play it safe for too long, she will still be my friend but I'll have blown my chance with her. Is there a middle ground I don't see? Is it possible to get her to chase me? Am I missing something? I see a light at the end of the tunnel, but if I don't see the right path to take, I'll fall down a man-hole and land in the friend zone all over again.

Anonymous's picture

What happens if a girl knows


What happens if a girl knows that a guy is trying to get her to chase him, but won't because she is too nervous and doesn't want to seem too clingy/obsessed/annoying or desperate?

Anonymous's picture

I agree with Aaalright..


I agree with Aaalright,

While I do agree with your 'Don't-Chase-Her' rule, it *is* really annoying if it seems like a guy just wants to talk to you so he can have sex with you...

Anonymous's picture

Hi, I'm actually a girl that


Hi, I'm actually a girl that uses your advise to get girls, I'm really girly and considered cute, but following some of your advice I am now in the "hot" category, thanks!

Amadeus78's picture

How far should non-chasing apply months into seeing a girl?


Nice artical as usual. I am interested to know your opinions on how far the non-chasing philosophy should apply AFTER becoming lovers with a girl. I have currently been seeing this girl for about 2 and a half months, and I'm fairly into her - I also have at least two other options, but neither of these hold much interest for various reasons. The girl I'm seeing does not know explicitly about these other options, though I think she does believe I am fairly capable with women and quite able to meet new ones..
The Scenario: I called her on Tuesday night to follow up her taking the morning after pill after we got a bit carried away on the previous saturday night. No answer (this is not unusual and she alwasy calls back). She called back an hour later and we had an slightly off key conversation which ended fairly abruptly. She later texted saying sorry, 'think we had a confused conversation, can i call you back tomorrow morning?' I texted 'yes'.. Next day I waited till about 5 o'clock when she texted saying sorry she'd been busy, could she call the next night.. I said 'sure no worries' (on advice from my friend).. Needless to say tomorrow night (yesteday) came and went and still no word. Should I simple wait it out? As many people might do in this situation, I feel that at the very least it's simply rude not to call after saying twice that you will. I have certainly not 'called her on her shit' - i.e. I have left it be (I certainy have not been texting asking why she's not called etc) - she said she'd call so I'm leaving her alone till she does. However all this seems odd after having already been seeing her for nearly 3 months. I know she is into me - we have the bext sex i'm sure she's ever had, and that side of things i am very confident about... Anyway I'll stop rambling and simply put the question out there - Is leaving it till she calls (i.e. not chasing) always the best policy, Even outside the context of the first few dates? Does don't-chase apply just as much after a few months, at a point when other relationship levels have been established between you and the girl?

Jeff's picture

An Extra Tip From Experience


I just want to add an extra tip I've learned from dating highly emotional women with mood swings. These type of women will REALLY help you learn fast. Would love for Chase to chime in as well.

Chase has a list up there of what NOT to do until you two are together. I'm going to take it up one more notch and say that you should NOT do those things until you two are exclusive in a relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend status. And here's why:

I tend to date emotional women that are up and down. It's just what I like, it's intense and these women, despite the low moments, are extremely fascinating.

However, just because you sleep with a woman like this doesn't automatically give you permission to start chasing. I learned from the first woman I dated like this - I slept with her multiple times and started chasing more and more assuming that 'we were going to be together'.

Nope.

In the end, after months of us being FWB and me always trying to get her to be my girlfriend, she finally left me for good. She liked me a lot and honestly gave me a ton of chances to get my act together simply because I did GREAT in the beginning (slept with her the first night I met her and every following date) but in the end, I chased hard and that was a mistake.

So I just want you guys to know - don't chase and follow the rules laid out in this article because they are SPOT ON. Don't be texting her everyday even if you're sleeping with her. I still rarely text girls at all, I usually wait until they text me UNLESS I'm asking her out for drinks/a meetup (as Chase suggests). Just continue to be distant until she's literally texting you that she is in love with you (this is what happens to me now). Don't talk to her about feelings, don't get emotional, don't get jealous or whiney or complainy.

It WON'T take her that long to come around. Maybe a month or two. The ONLY reason why this first girl kept me around for 7+ months was because I moved so FAST in the beginning. First impressions and experience of you are HUGE. Despite my later chasing and neediness, she STILL kept me around. So don't make my mistakes :) But, you learn from failure so it's all good.

Have the DISCIPLINE to not be needy and to stay distant until SHE is the one begging for a relationship.

Jeff's picture

And to add to my above


And to add to my above statement - I've yet to be in an exclusive relationship since buying Chase's great book and following the advice to a T. My life is significantly better, but I keep making the mistake of trying to get into a relationship and talking about feelings. Like I said above, I assume that relationship conversations are topics that the girl should be bringing up.

I'm hoping for a relationship transitioning type article here one of these days as I think it will really help a lot of people. Going from hooking up/dating friends to exclusive relationship status. Maybe this is actually a pretty straight forward, easy thing to do. Maybe I just tend to keep dating the unstable, moody women that change what they want every single day. Maybe these women are unstable because I keep TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS lol. (Well, I don't any more, at least not for the last month or so).

Either way, following the advice in this article for both newer and longer term girls that you're dating works wonders. Thanks Chase! Love the book.

R.S.'s picture

Too Little Too Late...


I came across this blog one week to late. Actually, months too late. While reading, I couldn't help but face palm myself every time I came across everything I did wrong in my previous relationship. In the beginning, I started as 'chasee' and in the end I ended up the 'chaser.'

Quite alright, after only about a week of becoming single, I've already started meeting women, and I intend on using every ounce of information and advice bestowed upon me from your site.

Thank you for opening my eyes!

Jeff's picture

Hey R.S. don't sweat it man,


Hey R.S. don't sweat it man, just pick yourself up and get moving. Chase states that we should always be moving forward in seduction. Well, we should always be moving forward in life as well! Learn from the mistakes we make. That's really the only way to learn! Just be glad you're learning them now...

And trust me, once you learn everything here, you can get your old girls back. I've been doing it over and over again lately lol. It takes time, but eventually your old girls begin to see this 'new you' and they get interested again ;)

Anonymous's picture

Chase, I don't know who you


Chase, I don't know who you are, but damn your knowledge on getting girls is insanely effective. I am a really good looking guy, great body (six pack and all), but I had difficulty bedding women. I have had relationships and sex with many women but I never understood why and it was always the women who approached me and escalated things. I just found your website today, spent three hours on it, took your advice and now I have 4 dates set up tomorrow and friday. These girls are all 9s and 10s too. You are a legend and thanks for the help.

Jacob's picture

Thanks!


I've been reading some of your articles, and damn it hits me completely, right on the nail. I haven't really realized how much of a pussy I have been, always asking why these other guys always get the girls they want. I started to realize that maybe, just maybe, I need to amp it up, and after reading these articles, mainly this one, I'm definitely going to change some things in my life. Thank you for the advice! Going to go out and meet some women now. Thank you very much.

Anonymous's picture

i dont get it,first he say


i dont get it,first he say keep ur cool dont chase and then he say guys who try to get the girl home fast is more succesfull,i mean trying to get a girl home fast and view your self as a boyfriend,isnt that needy,arent you telegraphing intrest too quick,arent u desperate,i thought girls liked a challenge.WTF!

Anonymous's picture

Okay so this one girl i been


Okay so this one girl i been talking for a while maybe like 2 months. We went on a date and it went pretty well nothing happen really just flirting, and so on. Then the next date she came over to my house and we just drank and made out. Im pretty sure there was some intimacy but who knows. She likes me but doesn't want to be in a relationship. Reason why we aren't together is that she doesnt want to lose me or she doesnt want to ruin our "friendship". If possibly we break up after then she wont have nothing left of me. What should i do?

Christine's picture

Interesting...


It's funny because 99% of the advice out there for women is to not give it up for at least a month.

Why not instead of trying to sleep with her on date #1 you just kiss her, and let your quality shine through so she knows what she has? If you two don't mesh naturally, then it just wasn't meant to be. I know many couples who waited to have sex, and are now happily married...you're either a good match for each other, or you aren't.

Otherwise, all the other girls who aren't sluts and won't sleep with someone on the first date will be lost to you forever.

Christine's picture

quality women


I don't know if a lot of quality women would sleep with guys on the first date, even if they really liked them. Why?

#1: Self respect
#2: STDs

If that's the only way you're finding success with women, then you are narrowminded and have not explored all the avenues.

Here's a thought:

If you aren't meant to be together, it ain't gonna happen. If she is a quality girl and sees you for a quality man, and there is mutual attraction and you make it clear to her from the beginning you are interested in her sexually (and you don't need to sleep with her right away to make this clear), then it will happen.

Otherwise, many marriages wouldn't exist today as they do.

Chase Amante's picture

Quality Women and Fast Sex

Author

Hello Christine,

I think this is a pretty common perception. But in fact, speed is unrelated to quality, except in some social circle situations: the women with the highest resistance to fast sex with a guy they like and are attracted to tend, on average, to be the most experienced women, who've slept with men fast before and had those men not chase them as much or get as strong emotions for them, and have learned that it's better to make men wait.

Therefore, the women best equipped to NOT have sex on the first date are the ones who've been around the block a few times and have been snapped up and cast back out again by other men, and now have their "rules" down hard to stay in control in future romantic interactions.

This has nothing to do with "quality," only experience. And even the experienced women will move fast if they slate you as "definitely not boyfriend material," deciding that you're not someone they'd get any benefit out of moving slowly with.

Chase

Franco's picture

Christine, This sounds like a


Christine,

This sounds like a common response that one of my MANY female friends would (and do) give to me. And there is a reason why I have many female friends... it is because most of them are females that I took on dates and didn't take to bed. I missed my opportunities with these women, and they became "friends on Facebook" that 'like' my status updates and comment with "haha" on my jokes.

Now you can argue, "Oh, well they probably just didn't feel a connection to you or were not that attracted to you." Wrong. I took a beautiful girl out on what I STILL consider to be one of the best dates I have ever had -- if not, the best. When I drove the girl back to her house that night, we continued inside, closed the door, and I gave her an extremely passionate first kiss that EVERY girl would wish to have from a man. When I pulled apart, she looked at me with eyes (that I NOW know) were extremely full of lust and passion.. and she was just waiting for me to sweep her off her feet and take her up to her bedroom. I liked her a lot, so I thought that at THAT time I would take the "high road" and leave her with that first kiss to dwell on (-- silly me!). This was our second date. We texted and called each other back and forth for the next couple of weeks, but since we were busy, we couldn't see each other. When the next opportunity arose to go out, she stopped answering my texts. I found out a few months down the road that she had met another guy and was in a relationship only shortly after meeting him. I still have her on Facebook two years later... she is getting married to that same man in a few months.

What's ironic about your post here is that the narrow-minded view is ACTUALLY the one you are stating: "If you aren't meant to be together, it ain't gonna happen." Chase covers this in another article (and it is also something I preach), but women live in a "fairy tale" world that the right man is just around the corner waiting to court her in the way SHE considers to be "proper" or "passionate." What a girl REALLY doesn't know is that the right man will come into her life when she probably least expects it... and why is that? Because she'll be blown away by his approach and end up in bed with him faster than she can recite the alphabet. The only difference is that THAT man might fall in love with her in the ensuing weeks or months. But the most important point here is that, since the girl is emotionally and physically committed, she will hang around long enough (and even push) to find out!

As far as your comment about STDs... just make sure that you discuss this with your partner shortly after your first night together. And that first night should, of course, involve a condom -- or possibly a few? ;)

Thanks!'s picture

Wow. I was amazed how the


Wow. I was amazed how the examples you mentioned were so close to what I have been doing!

It's refreshing to know that there's a lot of us doing the same thing, and there's a lot of girls that are acting in the same way, it's not that anyone is a bad person or its anything to be angry about, it's merely how we've gone about ourselves thats meant the attraction was gone.

Thanks dude, this has lifted my spirits!

Connelly's picture

Great info on all the


Great info on all the topics!!

I've used a bit of the stuff to help me with a girl I've know for around 5 years, we've always been close but both of us have been in and out of relationships in this time. On a weekend while I was back from uni, a group of us got together and me and her really hit it off, I kept it cool and followed a lot of advice on here and she agreed to let me take her out. Kept it simple and took her for drinks, considering I'm only back for the summer I was determined to not waste any time and went for the fast approach, when she brought out the line "I really like you, but I don't think I can risk this friendship" I pushed in a playful way had her laughing and said I wasn't going to pressure her and she asked for time to think it over. I received a text the next day thanking me for a lovely evening and she felt bad for not taking the chance. I replied and then didn't hear from her, this was unusual so sent a text the following morning to make sure everything was ok, I received a reply saying "Sorry forgot to reply to you xx", now for someone who I was seriously considering as girlfriend material I thought this quite rude. She'll normally message me if she catches me on FB or by text, but I've heard nothing over the past few days! I'm not willing to chase someone who simply forgot to text me after 3 days of texting. Am i thinking in to this to much or shall I just walk away and let it be.

Cheers for all your advice it has helped a lot!

Chris.

Anonymous's picture

Jeff


Jeff, I think you are attracted to women with low self esteem and who are emotionally unstable. Many people are, including myself, but all thirty-one flavors in one person gets old. Everyone likes a wild woman, the game is to tame. It's a never ending battle. You ever notice its always the really pretty ones?

Give me a somewhat normal woman, cute (at least to me) that won't put up with my shit, and doesn't consider Easy-Mac, "cooking."

Anonymous's picture

Here's my story to chime in.


Here's my story to chime in. Keep in mind, this is how I reacted before I read this article.

A week ago I went on a date. She was 40 and gorgeous...gorgeous, and her personality seemed beautiful as well. Above all, I was most attracted to her age of 40, I am 33. This gave myself the presumption of more outright and honest behavior.

We met for a drink. The whole time she's talking, being honest, answered every question I had immediately and I'm very straightforward. Nothing about us, but very direct questions about thoughts, etc. Then she starts talking futuristic ally (gave me a yellow flag, not Defcon 5 alarms though). Bartender swings by and she declines a second drink, my heart sank, she was going to leave.

As I get the tab, she asks if I'd like to grab some coffee, BANG! I was in. we were on our date for about four hours. All seemed well from then on.

One day goes by, then 48 hours later I receive a text, pretty late in the night asking what I thought about the date. Said I thought it went well, etc. I fell asleep with open texts on my phone. The next morning I asked if I had answered all her Qs. She said "kind've." then I replied that I would like to meet again. She said "great! Text you later."

I didn't hear from her in about a week. I posted a status update and she replied. I thought about it, again, and again, and again. For one, don't get an ego boost late at night, two, common courtesy is ignore the person or say you want to be friends, and three, im not playing the wishy washy check every account, phone, log into FB game. I deleted her number, texts, FB, everything. Overreaction? Absolutely not according to this article. :)

Anonymous's picture

extremely conservative virgin girl


So I met a conservative virgin Muslim girl who doesn't drink or anything. I've been flirting with her over text and I know she's into me. I've only seen her a couple of times briefly so I think the attraction window is still open. It's been a while since I texted her and when I contact her again I will ask her out. When I do, do I still push to bed her on date #1? Just making out and wait until date #2? What if she refuses all together on every date?

Nick's picture

There's a girl I have


There's a girl I have recently come to like and who's also in my social circle. I've known her for about 8 months. We've hung out at the same places together with a large group of mutual friends. We talked casually, but never really went past that. Is it still possible to apply these techniques and get her seeing as we've barely communicated but known (or known of) each other for a decent amount of time? Could I start things up with some flirting or should I just drop it because that "mystery" factor is gone (well some of it, i still don't really know her)?

Thanks great post. Very thought provoking.

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