Eye contact is one of those things that's a great deal of fun when you know what you're doing, but a real thorn in your side when you're still working on figuring it out. It's subcommunication at the very core level – talking in the absence of words. At once both more powerful than verbal conversation, and, until you've come to a better understanding of it, often distractingly unclear.
Eye contact flirting, in particular, can be a real head scratcher until you're pretty well versed in reading the various signals women are giving, and have figured out what signals you ought to be giving back. The eyes are used to communicate a wide range of feelings and messages, and what might seem trivial to an untrained guy may well be a crucial signal a more experienced man will jump all over.
My aim here was to write a very solid post that's going to cover all the bases with eye contact and get down to some real practical, point-by-point details so you'll be able to know with confidence exactly how to use your eyes with even the most beautiful, socially elite of women out there. The goal is to take the nuanced, difficult-to-pin down bits and pieces of eye contact flirting I've picked up over the years and get them down here so you can start applying them with the girls you meet today.
Eye Contact Basics
As we discussed in the post on elite eye contact, it's vastly, vastly preferable for you to get girls looking at you first. The reason why is a bit of a subtle one that might be a bit slippery to grasp if you're a beginner, though if you're intermediate you ought to be able to feel it with your intuition; you'll notice it just feels more right and correct and powerful when a woman looks at your eyes before you look at hers.
The subtle reason why this is is because when a woman looks at your eyes first, she's declaring her interest in you to herself and to you. If you look at her and then she looks at you, it might be simply that she's looking at you because she noticed someone looking in her direction. But if she's the one to initiate eye contact between the two of you, she's making it clear to bother herself and you that she's the initiator and thus, by default, is the more interested party. In other words, when girls look at you first, they are in the default pursuit position.
From the very outset of an interaction, the girl who looks into your eyes before you look into hers is chasing you, ever so slightly.
This small, tiny difference in gestures – her looking at you first, instead of you looking at her first – sets the tone for the entire beginning stages of your interaction and, if you do a good job of following and maintaining the Law of Least Effort thereafter, can even influence the entire pick up, seduction, and subsequent relationship.
This is that huge. When girls look at you first they just plainly and simply value you much more highly than they do the men who look at them first.
If you change this one detail about how you make eye contact – if you get good at ensuring women make eye contact with you before you make eye contact with them – you'll see a strong boost in the levels of attraction, investment, and warmth you get from them right off the bat and all the way up through having a relationship with them. It's very big. It's going to require you spending some time getting familiar with using your peripheral vision a fair amount, but it's very, very worth it.
No one talks about this either, and I'm not sure why. It's one of those tiny things you can do that makes a big difference, but the difference is a bit "hidden" and not as obvious, so the results perhaps are less measurable. I guess it isn't as marketable as new ways to neg.
Another eye contact basic that's going to make a big difference for you is in slowing down your eye and head movement. You'll have to really start paying attention to your head and eye movement speed, and work to consciously slow these down, but again, this is an investment in yourself that pays dividends in the base attraction you receive from women.
You should move your head slowly, and move your eyes slowly. As you raise your head up and move your eyes up to meet a woman's, she should know it's coming. She'll see your head raising and eyes raising slowly before they reach her eyes. This is fantastic for you, because it's going to often compel her to make eye contact with you first, before you ever lock eyes with her, and it's also going to take the edge off any eye contact you make, as a slow, calm movement to make eye contact with her is going to be far less alarming than the look that guys who "steal glances" at women are.
Note that you do not ever want to be stealing glances. If you're going to look at a woman, then make sure you look, and make sure she knows it. She'll see you looking regardless – women are extraordinarily adept at noticing what men are doing around them – so you might as well make it a confident, sexy look when you move your eyes to her.
Finally, when making eye contact, lock your eyes on the bridge of a girl's nose, between her eyes. Don't move your eyes back and forth from one of her eyes to the other; this is called "scanning" and it appears as though you're looking to see her reaction. When you instead keep your eyes glued to that space between her eyes, your eye contact comes across far more confidently and calmly.
So, our eye contact basics are:
- Get girls to look at your eyes first.
- Get good at using your peripheral vision to know when girls are looking.
- Move your head and eyes slowly.
- Don't steal glances – if you look at a woman, really drink her in.
- Focus your eyes on the bridge of a girl's nose, in between her eyes. Don't scan.
Unless you have all of these down already, this is where you ought to start with your eye contact. These form the foundation of all the eye contact you'll be using with girls, so get them handled and the rest will be a breeze.
Eye Contact Nuances
The next step in eye contact flirting mastery is getting down the nuts and bolts of eye contact. That is, getting the pieces in place to where you really understand, down to the level of natural, instinctive action, exactly how to respond to eye contact from women.
The first nuance we'll explore here is eye positioning. Namely, as noted in "Eyes That Draw," you want to be looking at women out the corner of your eyes. The more you can do this, the better. It's of especial importance in your initial eye contact; this sets the tone of a very sexual, very charming, very charismatic connection between the two of you.
Eye contact straight on is considered neutral. To make your eye contact charming and sexy and charismatic, look from the corner of your eyes, or at least partially so. You may have to turn your head slightly away from a girl in order to look at her this way.
Once she's seen you looking at her out of the corner of your eyes, you can move your head so that you're looking at her closer to dead-on. You might still want to keep your head slightly tilted and slightly pointed away from her so your eyes will continue to be at least slightly off-center from the rest of your head as you make eye contact with her.
It's good practice to reposition your head somewhat while talking with women, keeping your eyes fixed firmly on hers as you do so. So, you might have your head slightly tilted to the right and pulled back a bit, looking at a girl from the bottom left corner of your eyes, then move your head after a time so that you're looking at her straight on, with your chin pointed up, your eyes looking at her from the bottom but mostly dead-center. Then you'll tilt your head to the left after a while and look at her from the mid-corner of the right side of your eyes. Moving your head around every so often like this allows you to continue looking at girls sexy in a natural way.
The second nuance we're going to focus on is time spent maintaining eye contact. This one drives a lot of guys crazy. I know it certainly drove me crazy for a long time. How long is too long for maintaining eye contact? Too short? When should you look away, and when should you hold? I'm going to do my very best here to break this down into specific, exact numbers so you can start refining your eye contact to the level of a guy who's been in the field actively approaching women for six years without having to actually go and spend six years doing that to get there.
Here are the numbers:
Eye Contact Prior to Opening
- Glancing at her eyes before she's made eye contact with you. Again, this is something you want to avoid, as it's better if she makes first eye contact, but sometimes it happens, and you need to know how long to hold eye contact for. The rule of thumb here is, you should be the first to break eye contact. If she locks eyes with you and you're already looking at her, she doesn't know your intentions. By looking away first, you communicate that you are not a threat, which puts her at ease with you. You're then able to return your eyes to hers.
Not breaking eye contact first when you were the initiator positions you as too strong and too threatening; it sets off alarms in women's heads. Breaking eye contact disarms those alarms. You should break eye contact about 1.5 seconds after initiating, regardless of when she looks at you, or even whether she does or not.
- Glancing at her eyes when you made eye contact first, and broke eye contact first. After you've broken eye contact and established that you are not a threat, you'll now want to restore eye contact with her again. After waiting about 2 to 2.5 seconds, return your eyes to hers. As soon as your eyes reunite with hers, smile warmly and seductively at her using a slow-spreading, closed-mouth smile.
If you are close to her at this point, you should open her while maintaining eye contact. If you are not close, break eye contact again after letting your eyes drift down slightly (to about where her mouth is) around the 4 second mark, then let your eyes drift off to the side after letting them linger slightly below her eyes for a moment. Don't resume eye contact again until you're ready to go open her.
- Glancing at her eyes when she's initiated eye contact with you. When you've picked up that a girl is looking at you, you'll want to wait for about 1.5 to 2 seconds after she's made eye contact before initiating. You don't want to spring too fast into looking at her because it can seem as though you were monitoring her and waiting for her to look at you if you do, and that tends to unnerve people a little bit – no one likes to feel like they were being watched without them realizing it.
When she's the first to initiate eye contact, your eye contact with her will proceed the same as if you had reinitiated after breaking eye contact as the initiator. In other words, smile warmly, open if you can open, and let eye contact drift away if you can't, only resuming prior to opening her.
When you've already made eye contact prior to opening a girl, you should skip pre-opening her. While it's essential in opening if you haven't yet made eye contact, pre-opening becomes an unnecessary, awkward extra step once you've already locked eyes. So, it may be helpful to view eye contact flirting and pre-opening as mutually exclusive; do one, or do the other, but don't do both.
Eye Contact While in Conversation
- While you're talking with one person. While talking with another person, your eye contact should be focused on her about 70 to 80% of the time, glancing off to the side the rest of the time as you speak. You should especially break eye contact while making witty remarks or saying something about yourself that could potentially be perceived as impressive or showboating. By breaking eye contact, you greatly reduce the risk that your statement is seen as reaction-seeking.
- While you're listening to one person. As the listener, you should be looking into the speaker's eyes more than she's looking into yours. A good general rule of thumb is to look into her eyes 90 to 95% of the time she's speaking. Only look away when she's looking away, but don't always look away when she's looking away. If a girl spends a lot of time looking away, you'll have to adjust your eye contact accordingly; she's likely looking away because she's uncomfortable with eye contact, so you overusing eye contact may be intimidating to her. Look away about 25% of the time the speaker looks away if you find her looking away a lot.
- While you're speaking with more than one person. You'll want to devote the same amount of time (70 to 80%) making eye contact with your listeners, but the division is tricky. Don't dart your eyes rapidly from listener to listener; instead, move them slowly, taking time to speak to one person, then another. The person who asked you the question or made the statement that led into you speaking should get the lion's share of your eye contact. The reason you're speaking is in response to her, so she should get 60 to 75% of your total eye contact made while speaking.
- While you're listening to more than one person. This one's sort of a trick question, but the answer is simple: you should only ever be listening to one person. People who are splitting their time trying to talk to two or more people – except in emergency situations – tend to seem distracted and not in control of their own conversations. Instead, focus on the person whose conversation is most important to you – typically, whoever was talking to you first – and make the other speakers wait for their turn to talk.
Those are the hard numbers and exact descriptions of how to use strong, sexy, compelling eye contact flirting. Your delivery and execution is going to advance as you do this more, but you can refer to this article to troubleshoot your eye contact any time you have uncertainty about it or encounter a slightly novel situation. The rules for contact length and distribution are pretty much universal to every person and every circumstance you'll find yourself in.
All you've got to do is go apply these rules, then watch women gaze back at you with the most wonderful looks in their eyes. "The eyes have it," the old saying used to go. Old sayings often know what they're talking about, and so does this one; if you want a strong way of communicating with women, and a great way of easily, naturally showing them what a confident, savvy, sexy man you are, your eyes and her eyes are the way to do it.