How to Make Her Love You: Passionate Love, and Old Love

Moonray-

Some people have certain personality styles that predispose them to distancing themselves from emotional attachment. In some cases (as with avoidant personality disorder), this is do to a deep-seated fear of being hurt if someone gets too close; in other cases (such as schizoid personality disorder), this is simply due to general disinterest in close relationships and apathy toward socializing in general.

If you're interested in getting a better picture of what either of those attachment styles look like, check out the Wikipedia pages linked to for either one there - there's a good deal of information on symptoms and signs.

Chase

Boyo-

Right - what Franco said. That's the general process for analyzing a problem situation. My exact thoughts are something like:

• "Okay, what was missing that made that not work out?"
• "So what could I have done differently that would've made things go differently?"
• "Based on this, what should I do future times being in this situation?"

If you can't figure out what was missing (the most common problem), a good place to start is by asking yourself what you did right, and what emotion did it feel like was missing (if it's a people problem) - then you just work to drill down to more specifics from there (e.g., "Okay, everything looked fine on the surface, but we just weren't clicking - why? Did she not feel connected enough to me, did she feel like I was closed off and not attainable enough, did I miss an escalation window?" - then you just run through the possible reasons and try to find something that sticks out).

For analyzing things you don't understand (e.g., women always do something that frustrates you, or people do this one thing you wish they wouldn't do, or something keeps going the opposite way you think it should), the process is this:

• "Okay, I'm getting annoyed by this, but there's a reason this is happening, and it's not because the world has gone mad. Things only happen when there's a reason for them to happen - so what function does this behavior serve that makes people keep choosing it again and again?"

Once you know the "why", you can much more easily address everything else that stems out of that. Think "root" instead of "symptoms" - most people yell at other people for not listening, instead of figuring out why those people didn't listen in the first place and fixing things there so the problem stops happening - I talked about this a lot more in "Your Mental Model is Flawed."

Chase

Roy-

Somewhat of a difficult call. If there's zero chance of her finding out you're cold approaching (like, you're in a really big city, and you always approach in really out-of-the-way places that her friends never go), you can probably still pull this off without it getting back to her and hurting her, although it may make you feel weird about it, and may affect your relationship.

If you want to stay monogamous and have more or less zero risk of hurting her, however, I might suggest sticking to just being very social with everyone around you, perfecting your ability to give powerful, genuine compliments to people you meet (even cold approaching to drop a compliment, smiling, then moving on), and flirting with women you run into socially who aren't around your girlfriend or part of her social circle. All of these are relatively "harmless" behaviors that will still allow you to train up some core skills like approaching and talking to strangers, flirting, and becoming great at natural, impressive compliments, all while removing most or all of the risk of hurting a girl you care about.

Chase

Hopeful-

Yeah, I realize now, we've been hearing this more and more, especially as the rate of articles going up has picked up steam over the past few months. We're planning to launch (hopefully by November 1st) a 10-question diagnostic quiz you can use to assess your current skill level and get a free eBook based on how you score designed to walk you through the 60 to 70 most relevant articles on the site in 2 to 3 article a day chunks. So - keep your eyes peeled for that; when it's live, we'll do a post announcing it, and put a banner link up to it right near the top of the homepage.

In the meantime, we have resources on the site you can use to get more direction on what you should focus on / work on for now:

• The old Girls Chase "getting started" page - hasn't been updated in a long time (from early 2011, in fact), but for simplicity's sake, it's hard to beat: How to Get a Girl

• The eBook, designed as a step-by-step guide to getting good with women: How to Make Girls Chase

• A free mini-eBook on getting started going out to meet women: Finding Your Niche

• The Newbie Assignment on the discussion boards, geared at getting you out doing some simple exercises

• Several of the articles on the site, set up more as introductions to the material on Girls Chase than anything else:

• How to Get Girls: The Last Post You'll Ever Need

• How to Find the Woman You Most Want: A 10-Step Process

I'd suggest going through these and finding which one appeals most to your learning style, and going from there - the old "getting started" page is probably the simplest, and HTMGC is the most in-depth but also the one that walks you through things step-by-step with the most detail and explanation per step.

Hope that helps to alleviate some of the overwhelm - and, do stay tuned for the diagnostic quiz coming very soon - it's one of the clearest and easiest-to-use introductions yet to the material on the site.

Chase

James-

I don't have experience doing this, so I can't tell you directly how to date without sex, although a good starting point might be transforming abstinence mentally from a weakness to a strength. I'd imagine you really need some armor on about you WANT sex, but you're specifically controlling yourself NOT to have it, because it's your faith and you are a man of faith, and it's a personal covenant you have with God. If you can say that with certainty and strength behind it, most women are going to at least respect it, and you, regardless of whether they can actually date you or not.

Conservative women from Asian countries are probably a good bet - many younger girls in Asian countries don't have sex for the first time nowadays until junior or senior year of university (and a not-so-tiny number of them still manage to slip out of college and into the real world as virgins). The ones who have sex have often had sex with men who were equally inexperienced, since everything starts later, so the sex often hasn't been especially good yet and the girl may not be all that crazy about having more of it.

If you're dating conservative Asian girls (and make sure they ARE the conservative ones - there are some stealth nymphos who like to come off demure because femininity is still very prized in Asia!), I would simply not mention the sex thing, and instead gently probe her background to find out what her dating history has been like. If she's only had one boyfriend, and not for long, or has NEVER had a boyfriend (this is common with Asian college students in Asia, and not AS common with Asian college students overseas, but not totally rare, either), she's probably what you're looking for. I have consistently had instances where I've interpreted something sexually with inexperienced Asian women that they'd said that they had not perceived as remotely sexual and the thought hadn't crossed their minds until I pointed it out to them - never the case with Western women, who I find are on the same wavelength as me! If she's genuinely inexperienced, and she doesn't indulge too much in Western culture, there's a very good chance she may not even think about sex all that much, even during dating. I've talked to Asian girls who've had boyfriends they dated for 3+ years and never had sex with… in Asian culture, this still happens.

Just feel out her dating experience, and if she's very inexperienced, and otherwise very conservative, just don't talk about sex or make it an issue at all - chances are, for her it isn't one either.

Chase

Yink-

That was only a couple of weeks ago you asked about it - no reminder necessary. It's on the list. Meanwhile, think of precedent as the things you do form a woman's opinion of what she can expect from you, and what she SHOULD expect from you going forward - everything you do, good or bad, she'll get used to it, expect it, and be alarmed by any deviation from that course - so be careful about what precedent you set.

Ricardus submitted his last article to the site last November - we didn't announce an official going-away at that point, because he wasn't sure if he'd still continue to write... it depended on how things went with him launching his own new business. However, that's going very well now, and he's switched to that full time. He still did the phone coaching here until a couple of months ago (Cody took the reins from him there, and is doing a standout job with phone coaching students).

Chase

Brandon-

Well, that's a little tangential to the main subject area of the site, but probably the simplest way to save I've found is having a minimum amount of money you place into your savings account each paycheck, and having that savings account with a different bank than the one you receive your money at (if it's direct deposit) or use for your checking account. Reason why, if you're doing things online, is you log into your checking account and see you have X dollars left, and DON'T see all your savings, which are off holed up away somewhere else - so the temptation to draw them down and use them isn't there.

It also helps to have a "collector mentality" about savings - e.g., taking pride out of watching your savings account grow, or having a certain goal you're looking to hit ("I can't wait until I hit $10,000 in the bank" or $2,000 in the bank or $50,000 in the bank, whatever the case is for you and depending on income). If you don't have this naturally, you can open up a spreadsheet where you track your expenses each month, and chart your monthly progress saving, so you can see how it grows. You effectively "gamify" saving this way, and make it into something you're trying to win at, rather than some dry thing you're not much inclined to do.

Chase

Don't mention, M. Glad you liked!

Chase

Anon-

Yeah - that's a weird one. There's a million ways that one goes wrong, and only a handful it goes right. Basically the only thing you can do in that situation is treat the party like the date (which may not be feasible, depending on whom she's with and how receptive to you she seems), or get out of there. In my experience, simply leaving the party after about 20 minutes or so seems to work best - you can say "bye" as you're leaving, and she'll be left wondering what happened to you; where did he go? Why did he leave? Is he going to a better party? Is he meeting up with someone?

Otherwise, you're on performance all night, and you'd better be getting more and better female attention than she is male attention if you're not spending every minute with her. Don't do this, and you'll find your next date is a lot more platonic in feel than things'd been before the party.

Chase

V-

Well, first off, understand that club game is probably the toughest game out there to do. If you can do it, you're a champ, but if not, well... most guys can't. It might sound more intimidating, but street game is actually easier to do, and you meet more consistently higher quality girls, too.

Club game requires you to have your fundamentals bolted down extra tight, and it also usually requires you to find the right club, and get there early or be there late, and NOT be like every other club guy. I have a pretty in-depth article on working nightclubs here: "How to Pick Up Girls in Bars and Clubs."

Once you're good, you want to look only mildly amused in clubs to appear most attractive. But if you're still getting things down, you want to err more on the side of "be tons of fun and bring lots of energy", because this will get you socializing with more people, get you more positive experiences, and help build up your confidence. You will not be as sexual... but, you can still pull things off sometimes, and if you're not feeling good about meeting girls in clubs, it's better to get more positive social reference points before you start trying to rack up sexual ones.

As for being overwhelmed... it's best to take sporadic breaks from consuming new material, in my opinion. Get away from it; spend a month or two just going out and talking to girls and letting the things you've learned settle in and coalesce and move from the conscious part of your mind to the unconscious part. This is often necessary for taking knowledge and taking it from being something abstract to something that you now know from experience, because you've used it repeatedly and tested it out and watched it work. If you're feeling swamped with information, you're best served taking a break, focusing on doing and forget about trying to be perfect on it, just be "good enough", and as it starts to click and your results increase and things move toward automatic, you can resume knowledge cramming again to give yourself more things to work on once more to move you up to the next level.

Chase

Anon-

It's hard to tell - women who aren't native English speakers text a little funny, and women from Asia in particular often have very asexual, emotionally reserved texting even when they're interested in you. I'd just ignore the "friend zone" alarms you'd feel with a normal American girl's texting and proceed ahead as if she's interested and just is a little bit busy.

Chase

Wolf-

Paranoid thoughts are an obsessive thought cycle, like depression. Basically, your mind is stuck in a rut. You can cure them the same way as you would depression, by consciously controlling your thought process - fighting obsessive thinking, and rerouting your brain by directing your thoughts down a different channel. I talked about this quite in-depth about depression here - but it's every bit as applicable to paranoia:

• How to Overcome Depression
  

On the subject of paranoia itself, I also have these articles up:

• Anxiety in Men: Where It Comes From and How to Stop It
  
• Threats and Opportunities: The Difference These Make in Seduction
  

... and Eric has one here as well:

• Stress Coping Techniques: Stigma Stress and Solutions
  

Chase