How to Find the Woman You Most Want: A 10-Step Process

by Chase Amante
Monday, 26 November 2012

Many a man's search to secure for himself the woman he most desires ends in disappointment; unable to get the girl of his dreams, he settles for someone a little less beautiful, a little less intelligent, a little less charming, a little less ideal than he imagined he ever would.

She's good enough, he tells himself... but in the back of his mind, he always wonders if he could've found her had he kept looking; that perfect woman for him.

how to find a woman

It's a large part of the reason so many men in the West drag out their relationships into these extended courtships now, with no real direction or purpose. And when you ask them where their relationships are headed, as a friend; whether they are going to stay with this girl or marry her, even after they've been with her for two or more years, they only tell you, "I don't know."

If she was their DREAM girl, they'd know then, though. They'd tell you, "Yes," of course, and they'd tell it to you in a heartbeat.

But where do you even begin looking for a girl like that? And how do you get her, when there's so much competition out there looking for a girl like her, and so few girls who are like her themselves?

That's what this post is about; on how to find the woman you most want. I'm going to show you why most men - and most women - never really find the person of their dreams, what paths you must be willing to take if you truly want to find yours, and what the 10 steps are that will ultimately lead you there... to her.

Note: for guys who've been reading this site for a while, much of this will be review. However, you might find interesting the notes on settling - that hasn't been discussed as much. In any event, read on...

how to find a woman

It's been pretty disconcerting for me... even among my friends with good jobs, cool personalities, and plenty of options with women, I've seen a lot of them "settle" lately.

What I mean by settle is, taking a girl that the guy originally told me with absolute firmness and certainty he was not going to stick with long term... and then moving in together with her, getting engaged to her, or marrying her. This has been happening with a lot of guys I know lately, and it's nothing short of surprising to me. And it's made me ask myself the question:

If she wasn't good enough for him before, why's she suddenly good enough for him now?

Either she got better, or he got worse. Or... whatever confidence he had in his ability to do "better" that he had in the past has, somewhere in between the two points, slipped away.

I read a lot of books and watched a lot of movies when I was young. I didn't have friends, partly by choice, partly not, so I spent a lot of time learning about the world through the lessons they taught, rather than through the lessons of hands-on experience. And one of the things that stood out to me the most was the sheer number of stories that contained the melancholy thread of the hero giving up on his grand dreams and settling for an ordinary life.

To me, this was always terrifying; to give up one's dreams in order to live, in effect, the same exact life as everybody else? But as I looked around me, it seemed that most weren't that bothered by it.

I mean, they were bothered by it, but it was an under-the-surface kind of bother; they'd accepted their lots in life, and accepted that they had something that was good enough, and that they probably weren't going to be able to get more than that, if they were going to be realistic about it.

I wanted to make sure I never ended up in that place, where I was doing my best to ignore unrequited desires and instead struggling to content myself with a "good enough" life.

To me, there seem to be 4 core areas that people will settle on:

Their romantic partner(s) being "good enough"
Their career or business being "good enough"
Their lifestyle being "good enough"
Their skills being "good enough"

To understand why this happens, and why people let go of the idealistic visions of their youth and move toward accepting their lot in life, typically around 30 to 35 years of age in the Western world (sometimes a little earlier, sometimes a little later), we need to dive into some evolutionary psychology, and the way threats and opportunities play out in the mind at a very deep, subconscious level.

Why Settling Makes Sense (Evolutionarily Speaking)

In the article on victim mentality, we discussed the underlying reason why it makes sense from a natural selection standpoint that people get discouraged and give up (i.e., to dissuade them from pursuing quixotic undertakings that leave them total failures).

Settling is very closely related to this.

Who is more likely to pass on his genes; the man who:

Dates around for a while, yet, unable to find a woman who is "perfect," continues to date around, well into old age, never finding his ideal woman and never successfully reproducing, or
Dates around for a while, yet, unable to find a woman who is "perfect," eventually selects one that is "good enough," settles, and starts a family

The answer is obvious. We are descended from individuals who began life as idealists, and ended life as realists.

Winston Churchill has a famous quote on this that reads as follows:

“If you're not a liberal at twenty you have no heart, if you're not a conservative at forty you have no brain.”

This shift from idealistic ("liberal") beliefs to realistic ("conservative") ones affects nearly everyone, and it happens right around that 30 to 35 year mark. Why?

It's the optimal strategy for maximizing reproductive success.

You can think of it this way:

When you're young, it's best to dream big, see what you can get, and push yourself to achieve limitless success
Once you pass a certain age, however, you've had enough time pass that if you were going to do something significant, you'd probably have done it; thus, it's now time to buckle down on what you've got and make the best of it, rather than squander away the rest of your life endlessly exploring new avenues to go down

In other words, by the time you hit your early to mid-thirties, you start figuring you're doing as good as you're ever going to do, that you're performing at or near max capacity, and that it's downhill from here.

Not always - there are those (like Richard Branson) who continue pushing themselves and challenging themselves well into old age. But even Richard Branson isn't going to walk away from Virgin and start a new web-based business anytime soon. He's on the ride he's going to be on, probably for the rest of his life.

And there is an exception to the "settling" phenomenon: once you've had children, the process seems to reset. Women frequently divorce their husbands in the West, now, often some period of years after the birth of their last child. Unsatisfied, and not living their dream lives with their dream partners, they feel confident knowing they've checked off the "Successfully Reproduce" box on their life goals checklist, and move on in pursuit of their dreams once more.

Unfortunately, for both men and women, the older you get, the harder it becomes to find partners your own age who match the "guy or gal of your dreams" criteria; they've simply all been snapped up by other similarly desirable mates. And while older men can go younger to find "dream girls" who haven't been taken off the market yet, older women often can't.

By and large, for most men, the woman they find themselves with by their early to mid-thirties is the woman they're going to be on that ride. Which means it's either

Proactively find your dream girl before the "settle" instinct starts kicking in and forces you to take whatever the best option at the time it hits is, or
Be prepared to settle for something less than what you truly want when that time comes.

Assuming you want to be the former, and not the latter... how do you find the woman you most want BEFORE it's "too late?"

how to find a woman

As you'll see, it has a lot more to do with you than it does with fate, destiny, luck, or her.

how to find a woman

Well, first off, you're not going to find the girl for you sitting at home in front of your computer - online dating's not a venue any women you want to spend any large amount of time with hang out on much, and you already know my opinion on why not to meet girls on Facebook.

That means you're going to have to get up, go out, and do this the hard way.

You're also going to need to look at figuring out how to find the woman you most want as a process, rather than an event. You aren't going to wake up one day and a bolt of lightning hits you and there's the girl of your dreams and BAM! you're together and it's magic.

You've got to get the basic skills of being able to get girls you want down first, otherwise you'll just wake up one day and a bolt of lightning hits you and there's the girl of your dreams and... oh, there she goes. Off into the mist once more, never to be seen or heard from again.

So yes... the advice here isn't going to be, "Go out, go to this place, say this line, do this thing, and then you've GOT HER! The girl of your dreams!"

But it IS going to tell you how to land her... if you're committed to doing so, that is.

How to Find the Woman You Most Want

Most men take the scattershot approach to finding girls: whatever, whenever, with any old approach. Is it any wonder they end up with whatever quality of woman?

Imagine approaching selecting a job, or college, or friends that way. Wait a minute... most people do there, too! All right, I guess that's why most people end up at whatever college, with whatever job, and whatever friends.

What I propose here is that you take a far more selective approach to both learning how to find the women you want, and to what women you choose to want, than the majority of men you meet. (and I might further be so bold as to suggest that you take this philosophy and apply it to other areas of your life too... but, that's not what this post is about, so I digress)

And the approach I propose to you is this:

Know what you want FIRST. Before you do anything else, you need to know what you want. Partly, what you want must be filtered and cultivated through the lens of experience; and before you have much experience with women, you'll have trouble knowing how to answer this one. But this site has a variety of tools at your disposal for figuring out what specifically you're in search of in a girl; here are some of them here:

The long and short of it: know what you want, not just in terms of looks (which is where most men start and stop their lists of what they want in a mate), but also in terms of personality, behavior, ambition, and intellect (because these do not change).

Start getting out there to meet girls. Once you know what you're looking for, you've next got to go find it; essentially, you've got to get out of the house and meet some girls. How do you do that? Here are a couple of articles to get you started:

The long and short of it: you need a routine of going out regularly, and you need to be meeting women in quantity (LOTS of them) to get yourself to the point where you're meeting enough women that you'll find the woman of your dreams purely by accident... because "by accident" is the only way anybody ever meets anybody else, and by meeting quantities of women you vastly increase the odds that an "accident" will happen to you any given week.

Focus on your operating system. Get the right mentalities about meeting women; understand that you're almost certainly coming from a place of misunderstanding what it is women actually want, desire and are after, and who you need to be to woo them. Some articles to reset your thinking include:

The long and short of it: the beliefs you have set in your head have tremendous influence on the world outside your head, simply because your beliefs determine your actions, and your actions determine your results. The difference between two men otherwise identical on the outside with totally different internal beliefs is like the difference between two identical computers, one running a modern operating system, and one running a system from the dawn of the computing age. The difference in the capabilities of the two otherwise identical pieces of hardware, simply because of the core software running on it, is stark.

Which is great news: upgrade your operating system (your beliefs and thought processes), and you upgrade your capabilities... often dramatically so.

Focus on your presence and vibe. Learning how to find the woman you want isn't just about finding her; it's about keeping her once you've found her. And if you want the woman of your dreams to feel like you're the man of hers, you're going to need to get your behavior and your vibe down. See these for reference:

The long and short of it: by handling your presence, you'll quickly find that you're able to attract and command the attention of all kinds of women, including the kind of woman you're most attracted to. This means that women start coming out of the woodwork; where you might've found it hard to find the girls you really liked before, suddenly you're meeting them left and right.

Handle your fundamentals. Fundamentals are your basics - the foundational components that make up who you are and how women receive you. Having a strong foundation makes everything else you do work better; from meeting new women to getting them on dates to making them stick around for a long, long time ever after. See:

The long and short of it: your fundamentals are what make everything else work. These are the basics; but don't confuse "basic" with "beginner." These areas can be continually targeted for improvement even as you advance with women, and together comprise all the most important aspects of attracting and landing the women you most want.

Get some basic technique going. Even with great beliefs, presence, and fundamentals, you won't get very far if you don't take the right actions. See:

The long and short of it: your actions with every woman you meet should inspire confidence that you are in control, know what you're doing, and are intent on leading her to a satisfactory end. If you're not sure where else to start, place your focus on moving women, gaining investment from them, and continually progressing an interaction towards the bedroom (which then puts you in a position to have her as a girlfriend).

how to find a woman

Get your environment working for you. One of the first things you'd imagine a man would think of the instant he began wondering how to find the woman of his dreams would be the importance of things like putting himself in the right conditions, circumstances, and places to be most likely to meet the women of his dreams... but often he doesn't. Instead, he keeps going to the same places he always does, then goes home sighing and telling himself how hard it is. But environment is very important here - see these articles:

The long and short of it: if you aren't meeting the women you most want in the places you are right now, there's a good chance you'll be best served by changing your patterns. That means: going new places, building new circles, meeting new people - maybe even changing cities or countries. Don't rule out the extreme - better to suffer some change to find the woman you want, than to suffer yourself not to change and then suffer from never finding the right women.

Get dating down to a science. Dating is not a guessing game... though most people seem to treat it as such. But in fact, there are a lot of things you can do to make the entire process - from asking her out, to setting up the date, to pulling that date off without a hitch - a smooth, succinct, and predictable process. For reference:

The long and short of it: you should be asking women on dates soon after meeting them, and grabbing phone numbers from them immediately after. Don't make the phone number a big deal - it's a given if she's said "yes" to meeting you at some later date. Keep correspondence brief and mostly limited to date planning and setting up logistics, and run your date smoothly, with great conversation, strong leadership, and preplanned logistics.

Get your escalation handled. It's all for naught if you can't get her home, or can't make it happen when you do - anyone who thinks a relationship can really get going before physical intimacy in this day and age is in for a rude awakening. You've got to take her as your lover first, and you've got to know how to do that. See:

The long and short of it: if you're not accustomed to inviting women home with you, you'll likely be surprised how easy this often is. Once she's back with you, your focus needs to be on moving calmly but confidently, and not letting nerves derail from making a girl that you really like yours. Much of the time you'll only get one shot - most women won't give you another date if you can't close things out the first time you're alone together. So - make it count.

Learn (and master) relationships. Any and all effort you put in to find that dream girl goes down the drain if you're no good at relationships. And for their part, relationships are an often entirely different skill set than what it takes to get the girl in the first place - although the same fundamentals and focuses still apply. Read:

The long and short of it: learning relationships is primarily about learning how to manage another individual's emotions, be a leader, provide what's needed without asking too much or too little in return, and being willing and able to walk away if absolutely necessary. When all those pieces are in place, you'll do fantastic at relationships, and stand a far greater chance of holding onto that dream girl once you find her than most men are, who instead play the odds (50/50 in much of the West right now, for whether they stay together or split apart).

That may seem like a lot to learn on first glance, and it is a fair amount, but think about it this way: how much time did you spend learning math in school? How about English? History? Science?

Now, answer me this: how much time and energy is worth devoting to learning how to get the most perfect woman for you into your life?

100 hours? 200 hours? 500 hours? More?

Don't feel overwhelmed. Feel excited. And start combining learning information with taking action immediately, because you don't retain what you don't use.

So start using it.

how to find a woman

Most people say, "I'll NEVER settle!" ... until they do.

Rather than shaking your fist defiantly into the wind until the day the wind blows you down, it's my belief that you're much better served to expect that at some point, if you aren't able to find the woman you want most (or the career you want most, or the friends you want most, or the lifestyle you want most), you'll settle.

When you expect and plan around the chance that you will settle, it lends a certain impetus to your efforts to get things handled in those areas you know most people settle in.

Suddenly you realize you must learn:

How to find the woman you most want, and land her
How to find the career or build the business you most want, and land it or launch it
How to develop the lifestyle you most want, and get it set
How to get your skills to as advanced a level as possible, and doing that with as many core skills as you can while it's still early

... and you must do all of these things before you hit 30 or 35.

What if you're over that age range? Can you still break out of "settle" mode and do something exceptional?

You can... it's just hard, is all. Your motivation and selected life purposes are usually concrete by then, and if they don't lend themselves easily toward large amounts of self-improvement and regular self-reinvention, you'll probably need to make some changes to get there.

But either way... if you ARE focused on finding the woman of your dreams, and you're willing to not just HOPE for her, but commit yourself to becoming the kind of man that SHE dreams about too, then going out and meeting enough women until you meet her, you will meet her eventually... and it might even be a lot sooner than you think.

Always,
Chase

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Comments

Life

Posted by InterKnight on Monday, 26 November 2012

Hi Chase,
Your stories stay with me long after each article, I like them.
I've found myself consistently telling myself to get better and not settle like the others, a lot of that comes from you and this site. I was wondering if you could sometime write an article on how you keep fit/healthy. I'd like to see what goes into your diet/routine if that's not too weird. :)

Fitness & Health

Posted by Chase Amante on Monday, 26 November 2012

Hi InterKnight,

Glad to hear I've challenged you not to settle!

I've been meaning to do a post on losing weight and keeping it off at some point, I just never seem to get around to putting it up. But I'll throw that one on the list.

My approach to diet probably isn't anything you really want to know(!). I'm a supertaster (10% of the population - here's the Wikipedia page), which means food tastes more intense for me than most folks, and also makes me dislike most foods. It's gotten better as I age, but fruits and vegetables are still out of the question for me, which makes healthy eating, at least as most people define it, also more or less out. My diet mainly revolves around calories in, calories out; if I start putting on weight from eating too much unhealthy food, I can drop it in a few weeks or a month by reducing my intake below what's needed to sustain my body mass, and fat disappears.

I'll do a post on keeping weight off (it makes a big difference in your appearance and with women, too), and some general fitness tips (that will more be me referring you to people more knowledgeable than myself!).

Cheers,
Chase

Gaining weight

Posted by Wes on Monday, 26 November 2012

Could you also do one on gaining weight. I've been a skinny guy all my life because I have a fast metabolism...gaining weight and muscle is difficult for me.

Common misconception about

Posted by RTB on Monday, 26 November 2012

Common misconception about fast metabolism and skinny people. But the reality is that metabolism really doesn't play that big of a role in gaining or losing weight. Genetics determines a lot of differences, but we all aren't as different as we think from the beginning; how you were raised has a lot to do with it as well.

The more likely reason for your skinniness is that your stomach and appetite are smaller due to your lifestyle.

Chase, if you want some help on developing a healthier and sexier body, I might be able to provide some insight. I've done a LOT of reason on this subject, and I believe (well, hope) that I have come at some conclusions on a lot of things related to fitness that get rid of the influence caused by marketing. But if you want to market outside sources, just ignore my comment ;).

Gaining Weight / Building a Better Body

Posted by Chase Amante on Monday, 26 November 2012

@ Wes,

I don't have TOO much experience here, and I'm not a personal trainer or a complete fitness nut, so I don't want to risk going outside my domain here. However, I can talk about gaining muscle mass when I was young and skinny myself (I started lifting weights at 16, but didn't see results until I knuckled down hard on it a little before turning 19), and getting over weight plateaus (I spent about 2 1/2 years stuck at the same bench press, curl, and leg press weights, despite working out pretty regularly, mainly because of psychological hurdles. Left them in the dust later, though).

@ RTB,

I was mostly going to point guys to Bill Philips / Body-4-LIFE, since that's what got me going when younger and still the primary structure for my workouts, as well as the study on slowly-performed exercises leading to faster muscle growth (that's what I meant by pointing people to outside authorities who know better than I do). But if you've got some solid research you've discovered that's led to you getting some great results, I'm happy to give it a listen! I'm not the authority in this arena, more of an interested, pseudo-educated lay person ;)

Cheers,
Chase

Yeah, I'm not an expert on

Posted by RTB on Monday, 26 November 2012

Yeah, I'm not an expert on the area fitness either. A lot of my basis is based on observations and not concrete research, but if you're interested in hearing my theories on muscle gains I'll definitely shoot you some of my knowledge. I'm not huge or anything due to a lot of psychological problems that I've been recovering from, but I seemed to still cling onto hope earlier in my life I ended up researching muscles a lot more than I actually put effort into lifting/eating the right foods.

Tension over time (slowly performed movements) is a nice tool to use in muscle gains, but there are a LOT of things that can be done to gain muscle. It really isn't as hard as people think... My theory is that if your diet is right, and you are tearing your muscles in a short amount of time without over-tearing them, you can build a pretty nice body. Notice, I said tear, not exhaust. I'm now going to cut myself off from talking about this topic, just shoot me an e-mail if you want to hear my personal take about a lot of things that are fitness related, and I can probably link a few links that I've read over the years.

Building muscles, roughly, is

Posted by mindfulness on Thursday, 6 December 2012

Building muscles, roughly, is all about adaption to stimulus and enough calories.

If you keep lifting the same weights you will stay at the same level, in the end if you are not getting stronger, you are not getting bigger. You need periodization to go over plateu, once you hit it you bascially delaod and move again up the ladder. There are verious periodization methods linear, nonlinear etc, explosive positive movements, and slow negative movements are good for muscle fibers activation. There are very good methods for advanced that are extremely effective at stimulating muscle hypertrophy, basically rest-pause methods with linear weight progression up and repetitions down (as weights goes up) over the period of time, but manging to keep overall volume the same. Then once you hit you near rep max, you deload, recover, slightly decondition muscles, and start again the whole cycle.

As for diet, there are great protocols for leaning out or lean gaining like intermiitent fasting (16H fast, 8H eating windows - you can put all the bullshit about the need for 6-8 a day to the trash) but it is not necessary. Basically is it all about macros, calories in and out plus possibility of lipolisys, so you can burn fat effectively.

Blaming genetics is not the way to go, everybody (unless it is some kind of illness) can build naturally a great body. Ofcoruse there is a limit, you won't look like Mr. Olympia, because noone is able to build and maintain so much muscle mass without steroids, but belive me, you can build a pretty big, proportional, ripped physique that makes 99% guys jealous as hell and 99% girls instantly wet.

By they way, I'm 30, have a girlfriend with good character, beautiful, taking care of home, even taking care of my own things (important for me, not for her) and thinking if it is really what I want... I think I lost attraction, because she really wants to be with me and I have the power... on the other side wondering if it is not too late to make changes ;)

Supertaster

Posted by InterKnight on Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Ha, that sounds like some sort of special ability. Interesting though!
I get where you're coming from though, my preferences change fast. I prefer having lots of something one week than never having it again.

Also, today was a big confidence booster that came every bit from reading these articles.

Thanks. :)

Religious Context

Posted by Zac on Monday, 26 November 2012

I firmly believe you need to motivate yourself to do things, especially before this natural "settle mode" kicks in at 35 t0 40.

But nothing is impossible. My religion has it people become inclined to their attitude and character at 40 and likely is hard for them to change.

the point you made here is on the point, but the changing part, which we also know all humans have the tendency to be lazy, this makes another point.

We have to always strive until we are done, as in gone with the wind.

Zac.

Re: Religious Context

Posted by Chase Amante on Monday, 26 November 2012

Zac,

Absolutely. Religion's one of the few things that carries the power to motivate people when other sources of motivation fall away, simply because of the overarching purpose it entails. Fewer people have religion in today's world, but most of those without haven't replaced their lost religions with anything, which robs them of a certain degree of purpose and motivation that the religious have an edge over them with.

I'm a strong believer that every man needs to find for himself a purpose; something to believe in greater than himself. Without that, he is lost and adrift in a sea of meaninglessness, which can be empowering at times, but more often than not is instead rather enervating and discouraging. Religion exists because it gives wings to the faithful; belief has decisively shown itself to be more adaptive than non-belief, at least up until modern times, and I'd suspect it will continue to show itself as such long into the future.

Best,
Chase

'I'm a strong believer that

Posted by mindfulness on Thursday, 6 December 2012

'I'm a strong believer that every man needs to find for himself a purpose; something to believe in greater than himself.'

I was already going to write this in comment under article about lauching the forum and application for memebrs, but as I'm here it fits pretty good.

The overall problem with everything related to self-improvement is that people generally do not know what they want.

Im interested in meditation and practicing regularly from 30 min to 1 hour a day. I think that this is valid road to 'happiness' (in fact well being, because you just don't give meanings to things, don't jugde them and don't trigger thoughts that lead to negative emotions), but as you said in the comment under that another article, it is not about being happy, further in fact is not that people don't want to be happy, people simply *don't know what they want*.

It's related to decisiveness and being confident in own choices, somewhat procrastination and laziness too. If someone could teach people how to get to know what they really want and stick to it, that would be the real answer to their problems. Then everything will come so fucking easy, if you know, believe and are passionate about it, there is nothing that can stop you and there is the happiness itself, the one that people are *somewhat* looking for.

So... what do I really want...

Self worth

Posted by Vaughn on Monday, 26 November 2012

Hey chase I've been looking around but I couldn't really find an article on self esteem. I have low self esteem and inferiority complex. I always compare myself to others like ALL the time and I mean all the time. With friends,family, and guys I see at bars, clubs, and guys with their girls. When I'm out I feel so lame seeing guys with girls and I don't have one, it makes me feel like something's wrong with me. Especially on Facebook when I see people showing off all the good things going on in their life and I'm just living my regular one. Then I keep thinking about bad moments in my past that replay in my head over and over making me think I'm really a loser. I don't mean to vent so much about it but I know your good with people and to be honest I trust your advice more than anyone else. Could you help me out with my self esteem, confidence, and getting rid of the inferiority complex and reliving past failures? Thanks Chase, all of this stuff will help me finally get my dream girl.

Self-Esteem

Posted by Chase Amante on Monday, 26 November 2012

Howdy Vaughn,

Self-esteem / not thinking poorly of yourself is a great topic to write on. I'll get one up on that.

Quick tip in the meantime: start training yourself to get angry at these thoughts. Every time you notice your mind telling you, "Oh, look at that guy with his pretty girlfriend... I'm such a loser," you should immediately get angry at that thought and think to yourself, "Loser? Bullshit! I'm getting off my ass to go get better at meeting women RIGHT NOW, and once I've got that handled let's see if you still think I'm a loser."

You can't defeat negative self-talk, but you can redirect it, challenge it, and even be inspired to fight harder to prove it wrong. Take that tack, and you can use it as fuel to your fire, rather than a dousing.

Cheers,
Chase

What can I say, this is an

Posted by Estate on Monday, 26 November 2012

What can I say, this is an incredible post.

Since I found the blog I've been reading and re-reading random articles which stood out to me but to actually break it down like this and organize the articles in a great order... "get this part down and then the next...". Brilliant.

As far as settling goes. I've had the same thoughts for a while now so it's great to see it written out. 90% of my circle are in relationships and simply do not see it this way. One girl friend recently labelled me "a disaster" now that I've begun dating more girls and stayed single. Her ideal is "being in a relationship", doesn't matter who with and being 28 and single just was not in her plans. Made me feel bad at first about my own views but this blog helped to clear my mind.

While they are all relatively happy in relationships, and their partners are all "nice", none of them jump out of me and make me say "Wow, I wish that was me". Most have changed a lot, most have disappeared from any social activity and most seem to "do what they are told". What's worse, having known someone before a relationship and as friends, knowing what they really want, I find it a shame that their partners are not what they wanted 1,2,3 years ago when single.

We'll see how this journey goes. I'm 28 and have achieved so many things in my life because I WANTED it and went after it. Relationships haven't been a difficult one but with some direction now I think this is the next thing for me to work on. Looking forward to it.
Thanks Chase.

Not Settling, Friends' Girlfriends

Posted by Chase Amante on Monday, 26 November 2012

Hey Estate,

Yeah, it's one of those things you just see as you get older, especially if you're attuned to it. Like, "Wait a minute man... you said you wanted this, this, and the other thing in a mate before... this girl isn't even half of that!" And you never get an emphatic reply like, "Dude, this girl is the ONE for me!" it's always kind of, "Yeah, well, but, she's kinda cool, and, like..." Depressing to see your once-free guy pals get whipped and yoked one at a time, but I guess that's life for most men.

Interesting note on the girlfriend. Remember that it's in her best interest to discourage you from the single life and encourage you settling down; you stay "single and loving it" long enough, and it might start tempting her boyfriend and your friend back to it. Women know instinctively that they need to control the influences on their man, and either influence them to do the "right" thing (the thing that most benefits the woman), or influence their lover to wind down the time he's spending with that friend.

I'm... a pretty likable guy, personally, but the one group of people on Earth with the most bitter dislike for me, almost across the board, is friends' girlfriends. I don't talk about women, or dating, or game, or pickup, or ANY of that stuff with them, but I guess my friends tell them things or paint me in a certain light (or blame me for things... "Oh, I don't want to go out, but I can't just leave Chase to go out by himself!"); whatever the reason for each individual girl, we end up at odds. I almost don't hang out with friends in relationships anymore because I don't want to be a bad influence causing tension and drama between them and their women.

Well, you sound like a guy who's accustomed to getting results - I don't think relationships will present much of a challenge to you. They're more challenging to the guys without as much direction or focus in their lives... the guys who have more trouble saying "no" to their women than others.

Best,
Chase

Hey Chase, If there were

Posted by Wes on Monday, 26 November 2012

Hey Chase,
If there were words I could use to express my gratitude for this post, I would use them.
I am speechless. Thanks for all you do, man.

Wes

Re: Speechless

Posted by Chase Amante on Monday, 26 November 2012

Glad you liked the post, Wes!

Chase

Thank you for your response

Posted by Curious George on Monday, 26 November 2012

Thank you for your response on the last article. Great tips on the not having a car thing. But how do you get a girl just to come over without thinking he's just trying to have sex with me and how do you get them to actually drive to your house? How can I stop them from thinking that and get them invested to come over if I don't see them? Build a relationship over text and phone? About this article though, I have no problem reading your post I'm addicted to it, but please tell me how can I remember and apply all of this info? Thanks Chase!

Getting Girls Over

Posted by Chase Amante on Monday, 26 November 2012

Hey George,

Easy one - tell her to come over to your place and you'll head out from there. She'll say, "What are we going to do?" and you'll say, "There're tons of things we can do... just come over and let's pick something and then we'll head out."

On all the stuff in the article - take it in bite-sized chunks, a little bit at a time. Save the article, tackle part of it, come back and grab more when you've used that newer stuff and you've got it down.

There's also the consideration that while you won't consciously remember everything you read, your brain takes notes, and if you're out there interacting with women regularly, things will start popping up that you didn't even realize you remembered. Your brain's a more resourceful piece of equipment than you might realize.

Cheers,
Chase

Hmmm?

Posted by blubby on Monday, 26 November 2012

"... and it might even be a lot sooner than you think."

Could it be that you already have found the woman you most want, Chase?

Re: Hmmm?

Posted by Chase Amante on Monday, 26 November 2012

Actually, I've found a bunch of them, blubby ;)

Hey Chase, After i went

Posted by Anonymous on Monday, 26 November 2012

Hey Chase,

After i went through this article i started to read another one shortly after and i saw something that caught my attention. In "How to ask a girl out and always get a yes" you wrote something like
"And if she does, you are in. Maybe not that time. But ask her out a week later, and she's probably going to say "yes." And if she doesn't, rinse and repeat.
It might sound silly, but you being unfazed when she says "no" is one of the most crazy attractive things you can do around a woman. Persistence is attractive to women like few other things are.
Don't believe it? Try it out. Then come back and let me know how it worked out. You may be quite surprised. Even guys women thought they'd never go out with get dates this way... I've heard plenty of stories of men who've done exactly this. And I've pulled off a few of these myself, too.
Persistence pays off. Don't take "no" so seriously."

I guess what i want to know is how does all this play in with not chasing her...if you leave enough time between your proposals it doesn't count as chasing?

Thanks for all the insight that you provide here

Chasing vs. Not Chasing

Posted by Chase Amante on Monday, 26 November 2012

Howdy Anon,

I guess think of it like this: some really cool, pretty girl you know casually tells you one day that the two of you should hang out. You tell her you'd like to, but you're really busy. She tells you no problem, she understands.

A week or two later you guys run into each other and she says to you again, "Hey, we should grab a sandwich this week."

If she's really cool, and pretty, and she's very casual and not making a big deal in how she asks you out... does it feel much like chasing?

Usually it won't. You'll know she's interested, but because she's not making a big deal of it, the amount of chasing is minimal, if any. And once you're out with her, if she's good at what she does, suddenly you're chasing her and qualifying her.

So, sometimes you will need to chase a bit at the outset just to get the girl around you and exposed to you, or to take the measures (e.g., asking her out) that most women aren't prepared to take themselves. But you can absolutely reduce any air of chasing to the bare minimum with a well-executed ask, and get her chasing you very soon into the actual date (or even before).

Chase

Work Mode

Posted by Alex an Artist on Monday, 26 November 2012

Wow! Eye opening post, makes you appreciate youth. Not to dishearten the older readers. Just to say that life should be cherished and lived out the best it can be. So don't wait on life, make it happen now!

But I'm drifting off, had a question. Been reading this blog for almost a year now and I owe a lot of my added ambition to it. So I thank you Chase Amante, and your team.

The question is about getting together with girls you work with, I am young guy, working jobs at the mall to save up for school. I feel attraction from a lot of the girls I work with, but want an idea of how to transition it into getting one on ones with them. I want it to go smoothly, because I work with them and would see them frequently. So I don't want strain working relationships, but since I'm there a good amount time, translating this environment into my dating life would be awesome.

Thanks again for all your amazing insights.

Alex

Dating at Work

Posted by Chase Amante on Monday, 26 November 2012

Hi Alex,

Most definitely; we've all got a limited amount of time, and that's all we get; a lot of people figure they'll just push things off into the future, until one day they wake up and realize there's not a whole lot of future left to push things off into. The life you start building today is the one you get to live tomorrow...

Work's a sticky situation, especially if you work somewhere without much turnover or without a natural hook up cultural (e.g., strip clubs, restaurants, etc.). I've had a few people ask about this recently - I'll get a post on it up.

Cheers,
Chase

Vulnerability

Posted by Adrian on Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Hi Chase,

Thank you for such a wonderful primer! I come from a background of anxiety (nervousness around people) and as a defense mechanism, I developed a "douchey"/arrogant outward behavior that is not to my liking anymore. For example in high school, when I see a girl I like, I want to talk to her but my anxiety takes over and as a result, I try to make it seem like I'm not talking to her because I'm too cool, to protect the true nature of my hesitation. As a result, I put girls (even ones that were interested in me) into auto-rejection. Though I've been consciously correcting my behaviors for the last year, that part of me still pops around.

I want to learn how to be vulnerable around people again (just like when I was a kid). I feel like I put on a front, whether I want to or not, and I think it's unattractive. If you can share with me a post on vulnerability, that would be immensely helpful.

On a side note, I've been practicing self-implemented CBT approaches to lessen my anxiety (asking "how's your day going?" to everyone I meet, asking for time/directions etc). If you can share with me certain "programs" or plans you find valuable or helpful to reducing anxiety, I would closely adhere to it. Please let me know!

Hope everything is well at your end!

Thanks,
Adrian

Re: Vulnerability

Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Hi Adrian,

Sounds similar to me in school. I was more cool / aloof than arrogant / douchey, but the cause (social anxiety) was the same.

Vulnerability properly done is an interesting mix of strength and humility. You might check out this post to get started:

Take the Edge Off: Using Humbleness Like an Elite Man

But I'll do a post on vulnerability too; it's a good topic.

On reducing anxiety - there've been a bunch of people asking for an article on that here lately... it's in the works! Stay tuned; probably sometime this week.

Cheers,
Chase

Older but not looking it

Posted by Dash on Saturday, 1 December 2012

Great post!

I'm in my upper 30s and had to work like a demon to build a couple great careers. Unfortunately that took all my head space in my 20s and I've not had time to work on my girl game.

I decided to change that. These posts are extremely helpful.

I'm stumbling over something right now. I'm good looking, fit, have style (props to my gay pals here) and am VERY young looking... women guess I'm in my mid- 20s and I get asked for ID all the time. But this seems to freak women out more often than not.

Inevitably I'm going to approach a lot of younger women. Any tips on how to quickly establish a suave older guy vibe... with the understanding my goals are: picking up and screening for top tier women.

Suave "Older Guy" Vibe

Posted by Chase Amante on Friday, 7 December 2012

Hey Dash,

I'll do a post on this, it's a great topic. But since the post backlog is getting a little steep, here're a few tips for the meantime: women typically expect older men to be experienced, accomplished, and in-control. This means dominance and a relaxed vibe is more important than ever; you've basically got to find it mildly amusing when she's acting crazy, or dramatic, or super-excited, or if testing and probing you.

The vibe you're going for is, "Yeah, all these younger guys are worshipping the ground you walk, but they don't realize you're just as young and clueless as they are. But I do. And it's okay, I like you because you're young and fresh and eager... you've got potential, kid."

You also want to focus your screening on her ambitions and energy and what she can still do with her life. Trying to come across as if you're impressed with her accomplishments will make you seem like an unsuccessful guy, which is very bad for men who are 30+; so instead, you want to be somewhat impressed by her energy and enthusiasm and her drive and ambition. If she doesn't have much of these, you'll still need to draw them out of her, because without that she can't get a good feel for why a guy like you is interested in her, and will simply assume you're chasing tail / going for whatever you can get / not screening that hard / don't have a lot of options / aren't a great catch. You want her to understand you've recognized something in her that appeals to you very much, and THAT'S why you're willing to spend time with this young 20-something despite her inexperience and lack of overly engaging conversation.

If you can do that, you'll have a much easier time of it. A little disqualifying yourself, "I'm much too old for you; maybe you can introduce me to your mother instead," once she's interested can also help to get her trying to prove to you why you should date her and not someone else (don't do it TOO much though, or you'll risk blowing her out into auto-rejection).

Cheers,
Chase