Get to Know a Girl: Connection-Building Tactics | Girls Chase

Get to Know a Girl: Connection-Building Tactics

get to know a girlA guy meets a girl he thinks he might really like. She's cute, she has a great energy about her, and there's something about her – the way she looks at him, the way she smiles and laughs when he says something funny, the way he feels just being in her presence – that makes him get a little excited about her.

What comes next though is that one thing that's troubled so many men throughout history: once you've found one that you like, how do you get to know a girl?

In this post, I'm going to take a look with you at the old concept of "screening and qualifying," at how men usually get to know girls – and the mistakes they make – and at deep diving once again.

Best of all, I'm going to introduce you to a very different way of thinking about getting to know women from the traditional screening and qualifying mindset that's so pervasive out there right now, that's guaranteed to help you fit the pieces together in a much more streamlined way.

Let's dive in.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Comments

Jake's picture

Hey Chase,
I just came across this blog a had to say, nice work man! Connection building is so important and you really hit the nail on the head with those "mistakes guys make trying to get to know women." Especially 'trying to be impressive' that one's a doozy for sure... Brutal lol.

Jake

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Jake, thanks for the commendations, brother. No doubt, trying to be impressive's a big one... and it can be pretty darn tough to root out. The desire to be impressive tends to get under most guys skin pretty deeply...

Cheers,
Chase

Chris's picture

Really good info here, I believe screening/qualifying are very important and this breaks it down. I always look forward to reading your stuff.

Thanks!

Mason's picture

Very informative article. I especially liked how you dissected as to why qualifying works, that one is building rapport and showing interest in the other person. This whole "I approve of you" stance to me on an intuitive level had too much hierarchy built into it. Just as yourself I am always seeking to find out why things work the way they do...and once again you did a great job of explaining an elusive concept.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Mason, thanks for the thoughts here. Yeah, I'm also an anti-hierarchy guy... talking about people being above one another doesn't really jive with my worldview.

In a lot of ways, this is all quite a bit like established sciences. People note that something works (qualifying), and come up with competing theories as to why (approval, vs. rapport and interest). Sooner or later we'll have to get a journal up and running...

Chase

jimmy's picture

Hey chase, i am sure you are familiar with 60's method of using a deadpan face when a girl is talking. And honestly it seems to have helped me a lot lately. I like to mix a deadpan face with a seductive smile, but before the puase becomes to long i might add a question or make a statement to keep it going. It is a mix of deadpan, seductive look, and saying just enough to keep her talking away. So it might look like this:

Her-i get bored staying in this town for too long, there is just really nothing to do.
me-...(deadpan face with slight smile and saying nothing)
her-like in two weeks me and my bestfriend are going to atlanta
me-...(deadpan face no talking)
her-yea..(thinking what to say)
me-..(giving her a second) Atlanta is an awesome city! And i can only imagine you will behave yourself there (Keeping the conversation going)
her-hahaha yea blah blah

What is your whole take on using a deadpan face?
Thanks man!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Jimmy,

Yeah, I'm pretty familiar with 60's methods. Lots of really good stuff he discusses -- he's far more focused on being a sexually attractive man than on learning to say the right lines, which is the true road to success if you ask me. (For anyone not familiar with 60 Years of Challenge, good guy; he's in my "Friends" list to the right of this post)

Using a "deadpan face" is a great strategy. I feel like a lot of guys when they're starting out are trying to smile the entire time they're talking to a girl, which seems a little fake and also comes across like they're trying a bit too hard to please the girl / not scare her off.

I'm of the mind these days that it's better to be mysterious and reserved in what you show to women, particularly early on. Women love mysterious men and they chase mysterious men. The men who are being overly approving too soon signal to the women that they are in pursuit, and as soon as women feel pursued, they start to run away or put walls up or hoops for men to jump through.

Actually, a problem with a lot of stuff that was/is taught widely in the community was that it was typically hardcore chasing-style stuff. The reason guys used to complain so much about girls "putting up hoops" was because they were chasing, so the women began looking to make them prove themselves.

When you're chiller, more mysterious -- using a deadpan face is one way of doing this -- you don't come across as a pursuer, and you don't get women putting up hoops to try and have you prove yourself. It's a total dynamic shift -- if you're seeing a lot of good results from wearing a more reserved face much of the time and only jumping in when a girl needs help getting back on track or reassurance that you're paying attention, that's why.

Cheers,
Chase

lucifer's picture

I would scrap it for something else that doesn't make you look dumb.

And "dead pan face" come dangerously close to that.
At least the way I imagine it.

Then again, I'm not there to watch the face and I'm not an expert.. :)

Anonymous's picture

Stoic. Deap pan is a comedic term and I get the image of dead pan british comedians with goofy looks on their face. Stoic is, to me, a better description.

jimmy's picture

Thanks for the response chase!!

Jamal's picture

Hey nice article!
but what is your a approach when the conversation gets a little unexpected?
in the brink of knowing someone, she completely tells you something that turns you off. lol.

so lets say i meet a cute girl (alone) i find attracting on the bus stop, and i start up a screening/ qualifying conversation.......

him: hello over there? my name is ______. since were both waiting for the bus, i wanted to know a little about you. what do you do for a living?

her: hi my name is _______. i'm actually an exotic dancer at the night club down the street.

him: oh wow! how long have you been doing this for?

her: about two years, i started out a little shy, now i'm so wild, i end up waking up in different beds every morning.

him: hmm is that so? its seems like tomorrow your going to wake up in a new bed!

her: how so? im a lesbian, i dont see no girls around.

him:.... (walks away)

this is an example of something that happend to me a couple times. its like when your so caught in the rapport and liking things about a woman, she hits you with something incredible awkward. for me it feels like i'm embarrassed and rejected at the same time and i know this isn't the case. how do you rein-act this? because i would always walk away it from it. it's to weird, you know?

BTW, i love you blog; i recently found it and it became very helpful for me.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Jamal,

With conversations with heavy sexual content like that, you end up needing to play hard or go home. That stuff scares some girls off, but the ones it doesn't will swing back just as hard at you. Normally I stay away from it, just because I don't want it scaring off the girls who aren't as sexually open (and instead of being directly sexual, I use chase frames).

Also, bear in mind that women will throw things out there just to see if you'll bite, and when you do, they've "got you." Stuff like telling you she wakes up in different beds is one... less experienced guys will get excited and see that as an invitation, but then they lose their shot with her by "showing their hand." A more experienced guy is going to stay mysterious and sexual and challenging -- so his conversation might go more like this:

Her: I'm an exotic dancer at the club downtown.

Him: Rock on. How long've you been at that?

Her: About two years. I started shy, then got crazy. Now I wake up in different beds every morning.

Him: You sound like a hell of a thrillseeker.

Her: Do you like thrillseekers?

Him: Well, you know, I'm such a shy guy...

Her: How shy are you?

Him: I guess, when I wake up in different beds, I blush a little bit. "How'd that happen? She told me we were only going back for one drink and that's it!"

Her: [laughs]

Him: So when you're not dancing wildly on stage or waking up in strangers' beds, how do you spend your time?

You basically want to communicate to her that you're "on the level" with where she's at, you aren't amazed or excited, and you do the same things -- without looking like you're trying too hard to force a connection.

Just more like, "Eh, yeah, happens to me too... ah well, it's a crazy world."

If you get the "lesbian" thing, it probably means you pushed a little too hard on sexual stuff. You should respond to it, and then cut the sexual stuff out, at least until she's more comfortable with you.

Her: I'm a lesbian.

Him: How's that working out for you?

Her: I like it. Nothing better than another girl in my bed.

Him: Yeah, if I didn't have a dick I'd probably be a lesbian too. Men! Who needs em?

Her: [laughs]

Him: So what do you do when you're not entrancing desperate men for a living?

Chase

Anonymous's picture

First off, I wanted to mention what an awesome post this is and it has really helped me in getting to know some girls.

My question is what do you do in a scenario where the girl is answering negatively when you are screening/qualifying? example:

guy: can you cook?
girl: no not really./ I don't like to cook.

How should I respond to this? I feel like asking question after question is to pushy, especially if she shoots them down.

Thanks a bunch!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Anon,

Thanks for the kind words, man. Way cool to hear you're having an easier time of connecting with some girls thanks to the site.

With regards to failed screens, this is a pretty common phenomenon. It goes two ways:

  • She failed the screen because she really legitimately doesn't measure up in that area, or
  • She failed the screen because she's disinterested or doesn't care.

With these, I find the best approach is to treat her as the one being socially awkward and breaking the flow of rapport. So it goes something like this:

You: Do you cook?

Her: No, I don't.

You: Oh... okay. [bored look... look distracted... look away]

Save that for the girls who're being difficult / acting uninterested in you. It heaps a lot of social pressure on them to cut the act out.

For a girl who's just not very socially savvy / none too quick on the draw and doesn't know how to maintain forward momentum in a conversation when she's failed a screen, you'll have to lead the conversation -- like so:

You: Do you cook?

Her: No, I don't.

You: Really? What do you do for food then? You're a TV dinner kind of gal?

A lot of it then is going to come down to how you read her. So:

  • Interested but awkward -- you keep things moving
  • Uninterested / distant -- you act bored and put pressure on her to shape up or ship out

Recognize that you will lose some of the uninterested girls who really are totally uninterested. The rest -- the ones who were curious about you but it was just an act, and the ones who just weren't paying attention but then realize you're a really attractive guy when you hold your own, socially -- they'll get in gear and start talking with you as an equal.

Cheers bro,
Chase

pg's picture

sometimes, ive noticed, with just people in general, that if i deep dive a lot/explore something they talked about, that eventually they kind of stare at me, not in a bad way im pretty sure, as if they want to know where I'm gonna take it or where I'm gonna go next (like its a movie or something).

if I'm the one leading the interaction even though 1.I'm asking about them a lot 2. they are sharing and 3. im branching off of things they say into other things to find out more about them, does that subconsciously make me the pursuer/investing too much?

also as a side note, sometimes i dont actually like dropping the conversation/appearing bored, because if they reengage, the questions they ask me or the branches they make are usually uninteresting lol, and that eventually leads into me just asking more stuff to them, so my brain is like 'oh that was a waste of time'. sometimes i just enjoy finding out a ton about someone im talking to, its like doing commentary on a movie I've never seen.

Humble's picture

Gr8 Job! I couldn't Stop Reading This Forum. I've Asked Out A Girl At Work Plenty of times and she keeps saying maybe. With her playing hard to get, it's starting to turn me on and now I really want to get to know her better. I'm Gonna Give It a shot though. She Smiles at me when I walk through the door so that means something. I'm Definit3ly Going For It. Time To Put The nail in the coffin. :)

J. M.'s picture

Hey Chase, enjoying the site. Lots of valuable info here, and not just for the lovelorn. I'm discovering that a lot of this stuff just builds confidence in general!

One thing that I'm misunderstanding a bit here though: The idea of connecting with a woman while steering clear of the dreaded "friend zone." A woman may be unattracted to me no matter how carefully I speak and act, but maximizing results is always my goal.

Practicing to the point where it feels natural and unstudied is the big hurdle. The key difference here seems to be not necessarily what is said, but how.

Is tempering the screening/qualifying/deep diving stuff with an occasional tease or an unexpected dose of humor enough? I would think some value should be displayed in order to not come off as a doormat. Not to beat the point into the ground, but I'd really want it to feel natural - I don't want to trade away my pride just to sustain a conversation, nor do I want to sound like another douchebag that confuses asshole behaviors for masculinity.

Thanks,
J

Greg Sanders's picture

Hi Chase, I stumbled across a couple of your articles...Interesting information and most of your stuff seems spot on. Just thought I would add (for your readers) that your communication techniques are very good and you are utilizing a lot of scientifically valid and proven skills which can also be applied to most other areas of people's life's with great success. I am a doc who specializes in effective communication and the powers of mind in relationships and effective interactions. Keep up the good work Chase!

Anonymous's picture

Hey chase can i ask you a question....
How to get the phone number of a girl you are interested in...
Like walk in front to her and ask her number??
Or u recomend something else??
Hope to see your comment

Khastian's picture

Very interesting, entertaining and educational material.

Thank You

Anonymous's picture

Thank you SO much for this article. I'm proud to say I successfully met two (four total actually but the other two weren't targets) girls in one week and got them to go on second dates with me.

They really enjoy talking to me after I learned this tactic of asking questions!

Tavo's picture

hey Chase,

Thanks for the great read like always!
I need some advice: I really like this girl; perhaps more than I should. She acts like she feels the same and always wants to hang out. Despite all my efforts, she will still not open up to me. We are getting anywhere. I`ve done all that was listed above, yet still it is fruitless.
Is there anything else to do or does the blame fall on her?

Your faithful reader

Lux's picture

Hi Chase,

Thank you for the great content you are providing.
I put on hold all the other things I was reading to concentrate on your website :).

I was wondering, there's a current of thought that states one would better engage in a conversation through statements rather than questions.
You don't seem to advise so and you don't seem to make that distinction at all.

What's your take on it?

Thank you very much
lux

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase,

Great article as usual, I was just wondering about these lines you've used as an example:

Her: Well, actually I sculpt.
You: Really? No way! Sculpt what?
Her: Mostly (...)
You: Hmm! That's wild (...)

Don't you think the guy's reactions here are a little bit exaggerated? They come across as over approving and overly seeking a connection...

Thank you for the great material!

Andrew's picture

Im in high school right now and there is a girl that I do not know personally who is going to be in one of my classes. She is very popular and beautiful. I have been reading your other articles like on dating advice. Should I use this kind of connection building before or during the date? If not, how can meet her and talk to her before I ask her out on a date? I know this article is older but I would love to have a response from you.

Women Looking For males's picture

Interesting approach on seeking and "hunting" girls, like your post :)

Anonymous's picture

First of all I would like to thank you for all the useful info. on this website . This website has helped me to a great extent . Coming to the question , is it good if a girl qualifies you instead of you qualifying her .

Brandon michael's picture

So basically you are screening and qualifying and asking the right questions as well to deep dive is this right or wrong? And is screening the same interviewing and what tips do you have for beginners for approaching women for the first time?

Tomas's picture

On my seduction route, I learnt how to be attractive, how to be humble and mysterious, how to treat women warmly... And I got results. Then, I learnt how to move quickly and again, I got results. Great? ..... well I was not satisfied. I was able to have sex on the first date, but there was still something missing... there were two problems.

First, I struggled to get a second date after a non-intimate date. And second, I had little success with high caliber women (whom I genuinely feel as my equals). The craziest thing was that I had actually very good first dates with beautiful and sharp women. We often held hands or kissed or even made out and there was almost no resistance from them! But after the date everything changed.They went cold, either disappeared or told me blah-blah no chemistry, or were busy etc. However, they must have been attracted... That was a riddle!

Lately, I lost three extremely sharp women within a week, after very good first dates in the same pattern. I was depressed and went to search the web. And I found articles about emotional connection and this old article in particular. Then I stood up and slapped my head against the wall. Was I really so stupid and ignorant all the time??? I can lead an interesting and fun conversation, but there is no emotional stuff!!! I knew about deep diving, but mistook it for a beginner technique to keep conversation going, not a connection tool... furthermore, I was going for results quickly and effectively.... that's why I didn't bother with some emotional connection with new women.

It really hit me, everything became so clear... Ironically, I built emotional connection many times and women loved me for that. Unfortunately, it was only when I stumbled upon it by luck. Or more often it was the woman who initiated it, I usually got such a help from lower-status women who were seeking validation from me. High caliber women didn't need validation, so they played my game to the bitter end.

I decided to text the last woman - please tell me what happened, help me. And to my astonishment, she sent me this very last text : "After our date I felt no emotion, not one whatsoever. I cannot go any further". My depression grew even stronger. I realized I could have seduced all of those three sharp women with ease, had I only managed my conversation slightly otherwise. Instead, I presented myself as a sexy and interesting, but completely unattainable stranger and sent them all into auto-rejection. How many women did I lose???

It's really painful, but this is the eye-opening moment that kicks off the progress the most. So I promise to myself, next time I will be ready!

THANK YOU CHASE
Tom

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