What we’re going to talk about in this post is how to make a girl fall in love with you.
I probably don’t need to spend much time laying out why this one’s something worth knowing - for obvious reasons, being able to make a girl fall in love with you is a good thing.
However, you’ll find as we discuss below that having her fall in love when you aren’t in love isn’t necessarily an
ideal situation, either. Why not, you ask? Well, read on, about the
four Perumutations of Love, and how exactly you go about making girls
fall in love, to better understand why this is the case when it comes
to that most celebrated of emotions.
The Four Permutations of Love
Previously, we discussed the Passion Trap, and how a lot of relationships tip out of balance eventually… where one person is more in love than the other. Let’s look at all the possible permutations of this dynamic:
You have feelings for her, and she has feelings for you, too.
This is the jackpot of love… there is really nothing better to be had (while it lasts). In fact, this might well be the best feeling in the WORLD… it’s the ultimate goal of learning how to make a girl fall in love with you and probably the greatest rush this side of Eden. It’s also a true win-win deal… you are both happy in the relationship, nobody gets hurt, and everything is awesome. Even breakfast cereal tastes better. Really!
You have feelings for her, but she does NOT have feelings for you.
This is the OPPOSITE of the jackpot. While mutual love can be the greatest feeling in the world, being in love with a girl who’s not in love with you can also be the most terrible feeling in the world. I know, because I’ve been there… and I’ve even had clients who were in that position with a girl they weren’t even dating!
If that’s you… whether she’s someone you’re going out with who just doesn't feel the same way, or you aren’t even dating her but you can’t stop thinking about her… remove yourself from the situation immediately. As I mentioned in yesterday’s article on relationship jealousy, the rule in dating and relationships is – if it’s broken, don’t fix it. Of course there are relationships that are salvageable, especially if she does have feelings for you… but if she simply doesn’t feel it, get out. I’ve seen men waste years and years of their lives chasing after one girl who just wasn’t that into them. Unproductive and painful… don’t do it.
By the coin, this also goes for the classical situation in which a girl is stringing a guy along and not making up her mind. A lot of guys feel trapped in this situation. “If she only told me that she doesn’t love me, I could just move on… but she says she needs time to decide,” they say. MOVE ON already! You don’t want to be at her mercy like that. Simply take the decision for her. If there was something there, she will come chasing after you pretty quickly and make up her mind. On the other hand, if you simply accept her wishy-washy position, she may well keep you in limbo forever (or rather, until a man comes along that she IS certain about). Why would she come to a decision if there is no need to, if you give her free reign to keep all her options open, AND still keep you around too?
You DON’T have feelings for her, and neither does she have feelings for you.
This is another win-win scenario. You are both just having a good time with each other, meeting up for some good, clean, adult fun. Nothing wrong with that… enjoy. The emotions won’t be as intense as in scenario 1, but it’s still a very positive experience, and most importantly, it doesn’t come with all the negative consequences of #1… attachment, jealousy and drama, but also the inevitable crash when one or both of you fall out of love. I like position #3 best, and I’ve developed a consistent way to create this kind of relationship – I talk about it in Part II of the series on what girls look for. You may also want to check out “Don’t Hurt a Girl” and “How to Date Multiple Women” if you haven’t already done so for more on setting up these sorts of relationships properly and in a way that no one gets hurt.
You DON’T have feelings for her... but she DOES have feelings for you.
This position feels neutral to you, but it won’t feel very good for her. The most important thing in this situation is to be HONEST. Don’t lead her on… just tell her what the score is. Then, the choice is up to her.
And while it’s possible that this situation is causing her suffering, you need to realize two things: number one, there is nothing you can do to help her – you have as little control over who you fall in love with as girls do. And number two, it’s not your responsibility to break up with her… she’s an adult and if you’ve been honest with her, she knows what she’s doing.
In fact, I’ve certainly been in a relationship once where I was in love with a girl and she wasn’t really in love with me… she had a crush on me, but it was clear that my feelings were far stronger than hers. Would it have been her responsibility to end the relationship to spare me the heart ache? No… in fact, I’m glad she didn’t. We still did end up spending 4 months together, and while it was a bit of a roller coaster, I wouldn’t want to have missed it.
More about the Power Struggle
As we’ve discussed above, the early stage of the relationship is always a bit of an unconscious power struggle. During this phase, the roles of the two partners are being established, and nature is trying to find out whether the man will be the One-Up, or the One-Down… the lover, or the provider - who gets the relationship control.
You want to DISARM this power struggle rather than win it… because it really is a lose-lose scenario either way.
However, it might take a while until you can truly create enough of a connection with her where you’re able to openly discuss everything we’ve talked about here, and where you have enough of a bond with her to address this issue and create a TRUE team dynamic.
So let me give you a couple of tips on what to do in the meantime… how to survive the early stages of courtship. Because you certainly don’t want to fall victim to HER games and suddenly find yourself in a One-Down position.
How to Make a Girl Fall in Love
Here is the way to become a One-Up in a relationship - here is how to make a girl fall in love with you. While I don’t recommend you put yourself in that position, as it will destroy the intimacy you could create with her and throw the relationship out of balance, it’s good to have some of these techniques in your toolbox, should you ever need them… in case the relationship is starting to tip in her favor and you need to put some weight on the other scale pan.
Make her feel out of control.
This is the simple summation of everything you can do to gain power in the relationship. As a reminder, the One-Down is the one who feels like he has less control in the situation, and so this is the crux of making someone fall more in love. If you chase after her like a puppy, she will fall out of love… no way around it! On the other hand, if you can get her chasing more, her feelings will grow stronger. No way around that either.
Be the one to end calls and dates first. Text and call her less often than she does you. Still show interest though… you need to always give her enough encouragement to keep her chasing. If you’re too easy, she will lose interest like the famous cat that gets bored in a string once it lies dead on the floor and is no longer dangling just out of her reach. And if you’re too hard to obtain, she will feel outclassed and move on. The middle ground between the two extremes is the place that will COMPEL her to chase.
If she asks you a question you don’t want to answer, you don’t have to answer it. That rule ALWAYS applies in dating… but you can take it up a notch if you want to tip the scales a bit more in your favor. If she asks where you’ve been, you don’t owe her an answer… she’s not the KGB. And if she asks if you’ve kissed any other girls, cheekily ask her which body parts she means?
Another way of making her feel that she doesn’t hold CONTROL over you. Remember, being in love is biochemically linked to the feeling of being out of control… the same part of the brain processes both emotions, so you don’t want her to feel like she owns you. I’d rather say this one too many times than one too few… so, keep things random. Sometimes message her a couple of times in a row, other times take ages to respond or don’t respond at all.
What creates an addiction… or even an obsession? Mixed signals! Women know this intuitively, and many are VERY good at playing this game with guys. They are experts at playing the “come here… no, go away” game. Do some of that. You don’t even have to take it to any extremes… showing a lot of interest one day and then dropping completely off the radar for a while, only to throw her another bone once you’re back is plenty and will do the trick just fine.
Be a challenge.
We humans, as a species, always want what we can’t have. If you give children a blue toy, a red toy and a yellow toy, they are likely to pick each of them equally often. But if you tell them they can’t have the red toy, it suddenly becomes the only one they’re interested in. And you can be the red toy. Be the guy she can’t quite control… this creates a gravitational pull. Because just like we WANT what we CAN’T HAVE, we also DON’T want what we DO have. Think about it… if you want a pizza, that implies you don’t have one. If you have a pizza, you probably won’t want one if I offer you one.
It’s absolutely crucial that you’re not a dick about this… if you cancel a date, be polite. If you’re unavailable for a while, apologize. She invites you to come out on a date, and you decline… but you’re nice about it, because you’re just busy. Being a dick kills your attainability - and drives you too far in the direction of auto-rejection. A lot of guys mess this up and push women away unknowingly when they're first trying to get used to being in control in their relationships and first figuring out how to make a girl fall in love.
And there’s one more reason why you don’t want to go overboard and
be an out-and-out dick here, too:
Since women are experts at playing these kinds of games themselves, they’re also really, really good at spotting them. Ideally, you want all of this to be an authentic part of who you really are, and something that naturally flows from the way you live your life. If you really are what girls look for, you won’t have to pretend to be a bit of a flake because you will naturally be too busy to chase after her.
How Much Interest Should You Show Her?
In the year 2 AD, an Ancient Roman poet by the name of Ovid wrote a famous book about love… it was basically the “How to Make Girls Chase” of the days of the Gladiators. That book was called Ars Amatoria, or in English: The Art of Love. Check it out… it’s an interesting read.
In the book, Ovid recommends that you be her mirror… whatever emotions she shows, you reflect them back at her. If she seems disinterested, you withdraw as well. If she comes toward you, feel free to do the same.
This is a pretty good concept, because it does a pretty decent job at preventing the passion trap. Keep in mind… relationships usually tip out of balance because one partner shows more interest than the other… one person falls more in love than the other, and loses control.
If you were to just follow this simple rule of Ovid’s, you’d be on safe ground as far as that is concerned.
However, it is a bit reactive and you’re really being too much at effect and not enough at cause with this system. If you want to spiral the relationship up to higher levels of emotional engagement – if you want to know how to make a girl fall in love and have it really stick – I recommend a technique I call “Mirror Minus One” – you mirror her, except you always show a bit less interest than she does.
This gains you some power in the situation… enough to occasionally make a push forward and take the relationship to a higher level by suddenly showing MORE interest than she’s showing.
If you’ve been paying attention, you also realize that this naturally creates a push-pull dynamic… it sends her mixed signals.
So… WHEN should you show less interest and when more?
The best answer is to follow simple behavior modification theory – show her more interest when she deserves it. You always want to reward behaviors that you like, because it strengthens them.
Onward and upward,
UPDATE: read the next article in Ricardus's relationship series right here: Relationship Problems: How to Know You've Got Some (for Men).