The Secret to Hooking Up with Friends


secret-hooking-up-friends.jpg

If you're in college, or you ever went to college, you're familiar with a phenomenon that's known widely today as "hook up culture:" the Western tradition of getting together for quick flings and casual intimacy with your friends.

The way it's supposed to work is, you go out and get drunk, and you wake up the next day with some girl you're friends with. The two of you smile and laugh about it and then go about your lives as if nothing had happened. Or, perhaps, you hold a late night study session, and then the night goes a little later than either of you expected, and you end up in one another's arms. And then, the next day, maybe it's a little awkward, but again, you smile and laugh about it and shrug it off and it's on to the next one.

But there's a problem with this idea of hook up culture, and it's a problem that drives lots of men crazy pulling their hair out and throwing monkey wrenches into their own efforts to bring women into their lives.

The problem is, hooking up with friends is that it doesn't quite work as advertised. In fact, more often than not, it doesn't work at all.

But why?



The Fiction About Hook Up Culture

We've all seen the movies. Wild sex-fests where every friend screws every other friend of the opposite sex. You hear the stories about the guy who shags every girl in a social circle. It seems like all you have to do if you want to make it happen is get good enough at social circle stuff, and then that magic will become yours too.

But it turns out it doesn't quite work that way. You get good at social circle... and then you get really good. And as you get better with women, you find yourself sleeping with all kinds of girls really fast from outside your circle. But the better you get with women and with socializing, the further from success with girls you're friends with, it feels... in fact, you notice that they keep getting more and more reserved around you.

You can tell they like you, but they police themselves increasingly hard around you. What gives?

There is this myth it took me a long time to realize was a myth regarding "hook up culture" and hooking up with friends. The myth is that it's really easy to hook up with friends when you're cool and fun and sexy and you don't care.

But the myth is wrong.

Take a moment and think back over your experiences, if you've got a bit of a background in getting together with girls at this point. Of all the social circle hook ups you've had, how many were with women you knew well... and how many were with women on the periphery of your circle? Women you'd just met that night, or perhaps only once before?

I can see all the experienced guys out there nodding with me. Yep – women hook up with guys on the periphery of their circles. They don't have flings with men they know well.

Sure, it happens. Everyone who's been in the game a while probably has a tale of some girl he was friends with forever that he finally overcame the friend trap and bedded, and it was spectacular. But how many of his closer female friends did this happen with? Maybe one. Maybe two. For most guys, it's probably none.

Almost every girl you take as a lover who comes from your social circle, you'll find, comes from the edges of your social circle – not from the center of it. Girls like:

  • The girl who's friends with your friend
  • The girl you bump into at a party
  • The girl you kinda sorta knew from class or work or some activity you're in
  • The girl you met once or twice before but didn't really talk to all that much

Girls like that. It isn't the girls you're close with that you hook up with. It's the ones you aren't close with.

It took me a long time to get this. Most men still don't get this. It's why you see so many guys plowing gargantuan heaps of time and resources into trying to woo women they've known forever, and not getting anywhere. It feels counterintuitive to say it, but the fact is, a guy is going to do much better with a woman he knows less, whom he's invested less in, and who sees him as less of a permanent fixture in her life.

Because once he's become a fixture in her life, she doesn't want to upset the balance of things. She wants to maintain the status quo – and the status quo is, the two of them are just friends, and that's where she'd like to keep it.



An Oft Overlooked Disconnection

Men are risk takers. Women aren't. Men often forget this.

Think about it like this. There's one woman and two men. One of the men the woman knows very well and is comfortable with. The other she hardly knows. Who's she more likely to hook up with?

If you think it's a trick question, that's because... it kinda is. Most folks – heck, almost everyone out there you talk to – is going to say, "Well, OF COURSE she'll hook up with the guy she knows! She's comfortable with him, and that other guy's a complete stranger!"

But women are not risk takers. They're risk averse. And when a woman looks at a situation like this, her mind is looking at the risks. Here's what it says:

Oh wow, I really like John, he's so cool and charming and sexy, and I've been into him for a long time. But if I sleep with him now, I might lose the chance to be with him later, or I might lose him as a friend.

This other guy Chris, though, I don't know a whole lot about him, and he's just okay... but I don't think I'm ever going to see him again, so it doesn't really matter what happens. He is kind of cute and funny... okay, maybe I'll go for him.

And then boom, she goes with the other guy she hardly knows that she likes a lot less, and the guy who knows her well goes home alone and curses the gods for not making any sense. He's put so much time and effort into this girl, and she goes home with that dirt bag she just met instead of him?

There are probably about 3 billion men the world over who've been driven crazy by things like this at least once each, and oftentimes many more. This happens to just about every guy. It comes from a common disconnect between men and women.

Men's goals are to sleep with as many attractive women as possible. Simple enough. You might see yourself as wanting to find your dream girl, but if you happened to know three girls who met your dream girl criteria, and they all wanted you... would you take only one and turn the others down?

We're men. It's simple with us.

Women's goals are also to sleep with attractive partners, yes, but in addition they want to keep a lot of men in standby, for a variety of reasons. Those men on standby can help them in their lives, do them favors (like I mentioned in the post about Shopping Guy), or serve as backups if things fall through with their man or they go through a dry spell or emotional turmoil. Women put a lot of time and effort into building their stables of men on standby.

This is very important to realize as a man. Women will sleep with you if you do things right, but if not they're often just as happy to keep you around as one of their backups or social supports.

It's not that they're trying to use you, any more than you're trying to use a girl when you want to sleep with her. Just like you're thinking, "Of course she's going to have a great time in bed with me; I'm great!" girls are saying to themselves, "Of course he's going to love being my friend; I'm wonderful!"

And that's where the disconnect occurs.



The Secret to Hooking Up with Friends

Then what about the guys who do succeed at hooking up with friends? What's the secret?

There's one big, important secret all the men who do great at hooking up with female friends of theirs know that all other men don't know:

They know not to become a fixture to women until they're prepared to strike.

Men who hook up with friends don't spend a lot of time hanging out with those friends all the time. Unlike the guys who try to win women's hearts by just being around them constantly and getting to know them super well, these guys instead only make brief, sporadic appearances, and often speak very little to the girls. Maybe a few jokes here and there... and that's it.

They don't get to know the girls in their circle very well, if ever.

But wait, you might say – aren't I a huge proponent on here of deep diving and getting to know girls profoundly and intimately? Why, yes I am. I am indeed. But recall that I'm also a big proponent of moving very fast with women.

There's a reason for that: if you get to know women well but don't move fast, you become a very good, very close friend of theirs, and a fixture in their lives.

And that makes you far too valuable to risk losing over something as trivial as sex.

So, you'll notice that any friend of yours who's reliably good at hooking up almost never gets to know a girl... until the night he takes her home. Only on that night does he pay any attention to her and get to know her and talk to her and flirt with her. Then, he closes the deal, invites her home, and they get together.

Until that night, he was on her periphery. Until that night, he was not a fixture in her life.

That's the secret. The secret to hooking up with friends is remaining on their periphery until the moment you decide to make something happen. That way, you prevent yourself become a fixture, and prevent yourself from running into women's risk-averse no-sex-with-good-friends policy that's flummoxed so many men over the ages.

Just don't get too close with her before you do anything with her, and you're golden.

What about the girls you're already close with? Well, keep them as friends. Or, if you don't like them much as friends, simply fade them from your life and find other people to fill your time with. It's a far more efficient use of your time to fade out women you've become a fixture for who aren't going to do anything with you and instead bring new women into your life you don't have that baggage with.

And next time, of course, just make sure you move faster and proactively look to move women and invite them home and close deals with them. You'll thank me for advising you do so, I promise!

Chase

Related Articles from GirlsChase.com

Comments

Radu's picture

Hey, Chase! Your blog is


Hey, Chase! Your blog is awesome, I found it about a week ago and read a lot of stuff that helped me put things in perspective. I especially like how you try to explain how things work on different levels and not just throw out quick steps.

Before I never would have thought of moving fast, I would just let things go naturally without forcing them. After reading your posts I tend to agree that being aggressive is the way to go (either that or you're a good salesman, lol).

But there are cases where I would still have reserves about moving fast: shy girls (romantically shy, not the social awkward ones) and especially those that you know already but you're not "friends" with them. The problem is you can't rush them b/c you have to get them comfortable with you, but then you risk of getting into the friend zone. Flirting is also difficult if they don't know you a little: they get embarrassed (which is a no-no, at least from what I heard) or they don't know how to respond to your flirts, which makes it hard to see if she's interested. How do you proceed with these interesting "creatures"?

Maybe a post about "How to get shy girls" would be a welcomed addition to you blog ;)

Thanks a bunch, mate!

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Getting Shy Girls

Author

Hello Radu, pleased to hear you like the blog! Also, I'm quite glad I've opened your eyes, at least a little, to the value of moving fast and taking chances.

Shy girls are... all right, so I have a post up here on shy, excited girls:

Shy Excited Girls

although those admittedly aren't true shy girls; they're just the more assertive flavor of them.

Truly shy girls, on the other hand, were something I traditionally have avoided, just because I found them a tad uninspiring, but more recently I've had a number of successes with really shy, quiet girls.

I realize you have some reservations, but trust me when I say... they funciton exactly like all other women. They won't take initiative, like an assertive girl often will, but they're still waiting for a charming, sexy man to come sweep them off their feet.

I had one girl this year who refused to take her boots off on walking into my apartment, and was so shy I literally had to peel her jacket off her with her fighting (that maybe sounds bad on the Internet, but after her coat was off it was so incredibly on you wouldn't have believed it... she told me she loved me the next morning). Her boots didn't come off until I was pulling her pants and panties off and they got stuck on her boots; we both laughed.

Best way of knowing if a shy girl's into you? Ask her to come with you or do something. If she declines, ask again. Then ask a few more times. Shy girls want to say, "No," and be girly and have you ask a few times and persist and "win them over," which is what they believe men should do with women. Be prepared for them to get pretty strong emotions pretty fast though, because they're girly girls and they respond rather powerfully to the kind of masculine men who are able to get them.

Hope this helps with your shy girls, bro. And maybe I will give shy girls a proper post of their own at some point!

Chase

Radu's picture

Re: Getting Shy Girls


Sorry for the previous long post, but for some reason this one is very fascinating. I know, I risk of getting too invested and ruin it, but I'm trying to occupy myself with other girls just for this reason, and it works but only when I'm with one and for the next day. I also sometimes makeup an excuse and send someone else to meet her just so I seem a little uninterested and to not become a regular and friend zoned

Ok, after reading the last paragraph I think I'm fucked. Either that or I'm too caught up in the challenge, I am a very competitive dude, even though my friends wouldn't know it. Well... at least I'm good at hiding my emotions

Cheers, mate

Radu's picture

Thanks for the reply,


Thanks for the reply, bro!

Holly crap, I read that post and I realized that this girl that I have my eyes on at the moment is almost exactly that type: beautiful, no make-up, not very fashionable, upbeat, determined, very busy during the day; and while she appears shy she's not afraid to raise her voice at who's giving her a hard time

Why I say almost? Well, she still has some traits of a really shy girl. Quick story:
- we work at the same company, different dept, we usually have to meet once a week;
- asked her out, she said yes but proposed a different day, didn't answer the phone;
- next meeting first thing she does is apologize with an official/nervous tone, I don't make a big deal about it, she then gets very chirpy;
- then the following week I tease her about her phone working and she blushes like hell and literally can't say anything. Even I felt very uncomfortable and I changed the subject immediately.

Anyway, I have two questions:

1. How do I ask her out again without positioning myself as the pursuer? Or I don't and make her ask me (it wouldn't be the first time nor the second when a girl asked me out but she seems too shy to do it)

2. Regarding the fast intimacy: you say they move slowly towards it so what do I do: do I go slow or do I press? You even say "If you’re going for fast intimacy with a Shy Excited Girl..." like it's an option, I thought it wasn't?

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Shy girls, asking out again, & fast intimacy

Author

Hey Radu,

Typically when a girl flakes, you never want to put pressure on her or embarrass her about it, because that ties some bad feelings and embarrassment to you, which makes her far less likely to agree to do anything with you again in the future. So normally, you want to avoid doing that.

Asking her out again: you're in a tough spot, because you've already asked her out again, she flaked, and then she ended up getting a little embarrassed about it. Try something very tame next time -- you say you're coworkers, so start by telling her, "Hey, let's grab lunch today. Or sometime this week -- what's your schedule like?"

Regarding taking her to bed fast... all right, you got me, it isn't really an option ;) Yes, you should be her as quickly as possible. It's sometimes a little harder with this type of girl, because she's likely to be a bit controlled and rational. If you handle things properly and position yourself as a lover though, this isn't an insurmountable obstacle -- and even if you do end up not succeeding at getting her super fast, you still ought to be able to do it in a reasonable time frame.

Cheers,
Chase

too slow's picture

too slow


hey, Chase.. awesome blog! I can't thank you enough for these wonderful articles. I have a little problem... I have recently started seeing a coworker of mine, we have been flirting a lot at work then couple of weeks ago, we made out after a work function and I think attraction is mutual at this stage.

I have spent alone time with her may be couple of times since then and we just kissed and cuddled a lot. Now I'm starting to get worried because I realize that I need to bed her soon, but I'm also thinking that I don't want to rush things...

I know what you will say, but am I at risk of falling into the friend zone if I dont' bed her soon?

Also, is it good idea to sleep with a girl at her own place?

Radu's picture

Follow-up on the shy co-worker


To summarize this:

I decided to slow game her and it seemed to work:

- she laughs at my texts, especially at those with sexual innuendos; at first she didn't respond to my texts
- she never initiates a text conversation but she almost always responds; maybe she's shy or too proud
- there was one exception: on Halloween Saturday I asked her what she was wearing and she said pajamas then the next day she asked me what I did wear
- I don't think she has a bf b/c she never mentioned one, though I never asked and she could have used one even as an excuse. If there is one it's either long-distance or an ex
- she also mentioned that she lives alone and she has a busy schedule: work and 4 days of evening school
- very, very warm body language: big, big eyes, wide smiles all the time, laughs at all my jokes, hand gestures that I've never seen her do before (she doesn't touch me, though - maybe she's shy); the walls are down, a couple of times I even saw her nipples hard

Some things that happened in the last 2 weeks, this is chronological:

- Monday: I gave her a ride and she invited me for a bite before her school and she paid for it; we chatted and she told me she went to movies and dinner with two guy friends on Sunday

- Sunday: I sent her a text trying to ask her out but she didn't answer;

- Tuesday: she expressed disappointment for not seeing me the day before, sounded like she was thinking about the previous Monday; she said that while looking down and this is a girl with a very strong eye contact (shy)

- same Tuesday: I saw her getting in a car and she mentioned someone was giving her a ride home

- Monday (this Monday): around 7 pm I'm in another part of the city stuck in traffic and about 50 feet in front of me she gets out from a parked car (I think it was the same one) with a dude and they start walking but they were like 4-5 feet away from each other, then I get by them and they were still apart; I get at the traffic light waiting to make a left turn and they cross the street right in front and she doesn't see me but this time the guy had his arm hooked around her arm and leaning a bit towards her (it looked a little weird b/c it should be the other way around)

Now my questions:
1. Is/was this girl interested in me or am I imagining things?
2. If she was/is then why didn't she respond to my text? She could have said I'm busy or she could have said I just want to be friends. Is she scared? Is this a form of shit-test to see how I react?
3. I compared her body language around me to the one around that guy and I am blowing him out of the water in that area (albeit I saw them together for about 20 secs). Could that guy be one of those 2 guy friends? I mean he comes from I don't know where to take her home or to school, seems to put a bit of an effort. Or maybe an ex?
4. Am I blowing this? I would say yes: the slow approach seemed to be working, but apparently I missed the frame where I was supposed to accelerate, even though I still don't see when it occurred

Thanks, Chase. Keep up the good work and good luck with your new business

Z's picture

FRIENDZONE


So I asked this girl out or tried hooking up w her 5 yrs ago (cant remember it was so long ago).. she declined and said she just wanted to be friends.. Nothing awkward, no bad blood and are now really great friends. But in my heart I always feel like me and her were meant to be together. We're on the same level, both have horrible perverted humor and most importantly are always there for each other. I want to try asking her out or kissing her but not sure how to go about it especially with the friendship on the line and me getting turned down in the past. I guess you can say classic case of "friendzone." What would you do or would you just let it go?

Zeke's picture

Hey chase.....here's a good


Hey chase.....here's a good question to pose to you. How do you know when you've actually become a fixture in her life? You may think you're not, but she thinks you are or vice versa....so how do you know?

Anonymous's picture

I don't think that's


I don't think that's completely true. I have a very close guy friend who means the world to me, and we've messed around a little. No sex, but other things of cause. I don't want a relationship, just fool around with no problems, and that's what happened. We stopped though cus he has a girlfriend now but a different guy I'm friends with is willing to mess around, and we've known each other and have been good friends for a while. It all depends on what you want out of it. So I'm cool with friends with benefits and none of them have destroyed the friendship or created anything weird. Maybe I'm just lucky. But I think its possible if you guys are open and honest. That's what I think. Its a tricky game sometimes, you just gotta know how to handle your cards.

Anonymous's picture

Girl rejected me


ive known this girl for a year...she recently started to like me about a week ago. i didnt realise it then but when i did i told her i like her because..i did. anyway, when i told her i like her she told me lets just be friends..and she was warm when i first knew her. now she behaves like she hates me.i have to win her back!!
please help
and by the way great blog!!

Mike's picture

Being older and college


Hey Chase I found your blog and its really awesome advice that you give. I have a bit of a problem. I'm an Army Vet and have returned home to go to college. I'm 28 about to be 29 and about to transfer to a bigger college. I was wondering if you think younger girls are turned off by age? Most of the girls will be from 18 to 23. Do you think its an issue?

Guy's picture

Advice please??


Chase -

Nice blog, man. You've already provided me with a lot of good, constructive stuff. I'm really hoping you can help me with this though:

I'm a musician. I play guitar and sing every week at this bar. One night earlier this summer, this woman appears in front of me with her friends, sitting at a table. I take my little break, and she calls me over. She tells me she loves my singing and playing, and that she's a musician as well. She says that I should jam with her band. We exchange numbers. She Facebook friended me that night.

So some time goes by, and I'm getting to know her a bit. I go over her house a few times, just me and her, and we strum our guitars and sing together. We go out one night to see a band, we grab drinks, and have fun I guess. No touching, no nothing. Just enjoying each other's company I guess.

She at one point, tells me about her last boyfriend (single now). They were in a band together, and it didn't turn out well. She basically stole his band. I don't know anything else about the relationship, except that her banjo player who's in her band now was real good friends with her ex-boyfriend. Moving on...

So I open for her band one night. It goes well. She plays a two-hour set with them, and then comes and sits at the bar with me. She tells me how uncomfortable her high heels are. And I tell her that at least it makes her ass look nice. She laughs and smiles. Everyone goes home normal.

So a day comes when she wants me to come practice with her band. I go there, I'm humble, I hang back, I do my thing. I guess it went well. But at this point, my feelings for her are growing so strong, and I have no idea how she feels about me, so I go home, and I tell her.

IN A TEXT. Big mistake, I know. But I'm very good with words. I basically told her that I thought she was a great girl and that I often have trouble sleeping because I often think of her, and blah blah blah. But it was very cordial, very concise, very vague.

Then the next day, she hits me with a response: I don't feel this way for you, but I really want to remain friends and make music together. At this point, when she responded, I'm drunk, I'm high, and I go off on her. I give her my mind. Not foolishly, but with gust and anger.

I text her the next day apologizing. She forgives me. Although I told her the previous day that I had no interest in being in her band, I now tell her that I could be into it, and she's into it too. And she also says, "Don't worry, I won't tell the guys. This is between you and I only."

So I pull myself together over the next two weeks, and we start hanging out again. She starts coming to my shows and singing songs with me. I start regularly playing with her band, practicing, and gigging. We go out a few times for drinks and have a lot of fun. But anytime I touch her in a loving way or talk to her in a loving way, she doesn't respond.

She doesn't reach out to me. I'm always calling her, asking her to hang, and she always comes and hangs. We get drunk together. But she doesn't show anything. She looks me in the eyes very deeply, it seems, sometimes. But she's only touched me a few times and once was a squeeze on my arm and once was just hitting my leg.

Now I'm in her band, and we're hanging out off and on. But we're just friends.

My dilemma here, Chase, is that she knows how I feel about her, I made a fool of myself, and yet she still wants to hang out with me, says she loves my voice, loves me in her band, and is always comfortable around me.

I don't know this girl too well. I know her personality, but as far as her family and background and all that, not so much. She seems very guarded. We are a very likely pair, but it just doesn't seem to be going anywhere. It's almost like she's letting her rules and restrictions get in the way of letting any sort of feeling for me truly develop. You dig?

I'm starting to back away (started today actually). What should I do? Should I just keep fighting the good fight? I really want her, and I know that it could work despite her rule about not dating musicians that she involves herself with professionally. It just really seems delusional to me. I make her laugh all the time, and she didn't say anything or move away when I tried to caress her a couple of times.

Your advice would be truly appreciated, and I apologize for my ramblings.

Keep On - Guy

Ben's picture

Guy, this is a classic


Guy, this is a classic example of someone (ie you) who has been sidelined into friend territory. Have you not read Chase's article's?

Don'tputanymore effort intothis one - it will be wasted. You are not in a movie!! Move on and find a woman who is interested in you romantically - I'm sure there will be plenty especially with you being a talented musician. Girls love that kind of thing.

Best of luck,
Ben

Anne Nonymous's picture

Not quite right but almost


"Men are risk takers. Women aren't. Men often forget this."

No women are risk takers, it's just that their intelligence is able to override their horniness. Yep. If you have spent a lot of time building up your reputation among a group of friends, sleeping with a guy friend could turn him against you for a million different reasons (he loses respect for you, or maybe he starts to like you and you don't return the feelings, etc.) so you have to sleep with someone who won't affect you. It's intelligence, not a lack of courage.

Anonymous's picture

Concurrence from a lady


I agree- I like this verbiage better.

Maria's picture

Not true for everyone


This is not true for everyone.

I guess I must be the odd one out. I'm the girl who consistently chooses the guy friend she's known for ages.. I've tried it both ways and the guys who want to make the minimum effort in getting to know you and only see you when you're both drunk tend to be bad in bed.

I do this because I don't like it with people I don't know well so I tend to have a trusted few guys I hook up with semi regularly.. I call them "my circle". *shrugs* then again i'm blessed with the apparently rare ability to sleep with my friends without ruining the friendship. It's only awkward in the morning if you both make it awkward. Only one of you has to make it not awkward and the other will follow. They get to know what i'm like pretty quickly. It's generally not a good idea to attempt this with only one of your guy friends, or if you must he has to at least believe you are sleeping with other people even if you're really not.

Is it really so bad if you both end up feeling something for each other? Seems like a pretty wussy way to live life to me.

That said you have to really have your shit together to be able to pull this off. I've seen a few of my female friends try to duplicate this and fail epically. But it can be done and it's so much more worth it than drunk sex you barely remember with someone who doesn't care if you have an orgasm, only if he does.

Anonymous's picture

what should i do?


Hey chase I recently discovered your blog. There is this girl at school that I've liked for a while now. I told my friend and he went ahead and told her? What should I do?

Anonymous's picture

So how do you feel about...


So, how do you feel about RooshV's blog advice? Seen a couple of his articles, and unlike here, one of his article states about needing to put time in with a girl(And eventual space at some point) to make her want you cause "She'll laugh and delete your number" if you don't put in enough time.

unfazed's picture

EXES Friend(s)


hi chase, i have found myself in a bit of a pickle, as ive fallen for one of my ex-girlfriends good mate.......i really really like her and have made it clear, and apparently she likes me but wont take it further as i was obviously with her friend a few years back !! i'm just wondering if you could advise me on what to do in this situation......thank you

Anonymous's picture

As a Girl...


I agree. Yes and yes. I never thought about it like that before, and I so comply with these concepts. I have so many guys that became my friends, I called them my best friends or said 'like a brother to me' b/c they became close fast and never made it clear like 'hey can we sleep together' for whatever reason. Guys that became friends with me while I was in a serious relationship tend to be these guys I would've liked to keep just as friends, and a few of the less close ones I'm definitely into the idea of jumping their bones. As a girl, once the best guy friend after years and years all the sudden gets the balls to make a move, more times than not I'm uncomfortable and feel almost violated by it..like, he just ruined our friendship by getting hammered drunk and telling me everything hes ever felt (in front of my current boyfriend). While, on the flipside, just the other day hooked up with someone I've met maybe once in 5 years but is best friends with a friend of mine. Worked out just fine, we got to know eachother quite well after meeting up again for the first time ;)

Anonymous's picture

how to handle logistics with this from the beginning


Hi, im 19 and have had very few successes with instant lays, but im learning this is very true. Lots of it has to do with what your valued is to them, in comparison to how much more they invest (from verg beginning).

But i have a very strange dynamic to handle soon.ive grown up with a neighbor across the street that is super close with my family and we had something between middle school and highschool days. Shes my sisters best friend growing up at home. All i remembered was me asking her out around 6th grade and her saying no, because she wanted to wait till we were older (i was a bit skinny and chubby then). Then i fooled around with her close to 8th grade (didnt have sex), from horseplay. And i lost interest soon after that, but constantly hearing from my sisfor years randomly when i see her how this friends thinks im hot(im personal trainer now) and ive caught her checking me out when driving by or coming over for my sis.

Shes dating some dude for a year, but doesnt want to stay with; its obvious and admited it to my sis(my sis can ramble on/never ask her to tell me). Ive honestly thought of it, and couldnt see myself with her unless it was a one night stand.

Anyways i still see interest from her time to time but she suggested to hook me up with her friend, i worked into finally saying yes (even though i already have a FWB). Her friend seemed cute through pic but this friend of my sister has a big mouth and is a gossip queen. And she wants me to go to local bar and meet this girl in group of her friends. Ive only found success with street pulls (were hanging out at this place in a group close to midnight on thursday). Im thinking of how to pull a Chase and be out of there in less than 15-20 min with athis girl somewhay to avoid cockblocking and getting her alone for intimacy. But social conditioning is going to have her guards a mile high.

So what should i do to stay at the edge of the social circle without being too odd? Build some initial genuine interest (if i find something appealing), then get her talking about herself mostly with small chitchat to others then invite her outside that location? This is what i have in mind, especially if the place will be too loud.

Any expert opinion on circle dynamics in this case? I know the girl will preassume im relationship material sinse this friend is trying for us to meet. But its common sense to try getting out of there and escalating elsewhere.

Again any thoughts are greatly appreciated

Anonymous's picture

wtf im 19 shes 27


We work out at the gym almost every night and it all started about a week ago, I feel like she's into me because she always used to talk about how her boyfriend isn't good in bed and how she wish that he worked out and looked like me, and then a cuple of days ago she talked about how she could do a split and now she can't and I was like wow but everytime I hint that I want her, by sliping into my conversation that I stay in apartment by myself or something its brushed off like we both know that we want to get into something and often get on topics related to sex or something that would be a turn on but the conversation doesn't last long like its an uncomfortable topic or something, I walk her back to her appartment usually at night, try not to hang with her to often, but I think its my age, I tried saying age isn't anything but a number jokingly but I don't know I'm starting to feel like I'm being put in that zone, what do I do?

Anonymous's picture

Does he feel used?


Hey!
So I am not a guy but I really need a guys opinion. I hooked up with a distant friend of friends who asked for my number and a date. Instead,we ended up at my place. (I had never done that before) The next morning I said I was really busy and rushed him out the door, I thought this is how how you behave after a hook up. However I don't want a relationship or a second hook up with him. But he looked very disappointed when I kicked him out, somehow - defeated.
If he is anything like me, he would feel used. But I always read/hear that guys NEVER feel used. Is that true? It goes against all of my instincts and perception to believe that and I feel really horrible. This was my first one night stand and I will not do it again! Should I apologize? Send a text like "sorry for using you"? I'm really not into him but I wouldn't want anyone to feel used or disrespected as a human beeing.
Please, advice needed!
Thanks

Anonymous's picture

jumped the bones of my bestie and fell for him.


It all started when i lived in another state far away from my hometown. Reunited on FB...messaged each other, text messges, phone calls. Then i came back home for a visit. He was emotionally messed up from his ex wife of 13 years. I instantly wanted to make all of his pain go away. Note: we dated when i was 15 yrs and he was 16. I am now 33. He is 34. We became besties. Talked about our deepest darkest secrets. Everything was so easy. I knew who to call when i needed someone that I felt that actually cared and the same for him. I was happy having a amazing best friend who btw was gorgeous. Well months went by we continued to talk like constantly. Well i decided to move back home. He was happy about this move. He helped me move...everything was great. We broke Bro and Chic codes. Then we started to hang out. We both were lonely. Then it happens. We became friends with benefits. In the meanwhile, I am really enjoying all the time I get to spend with him. He is completely irresistable. He was a great lover..and seemed to really make love to me. The way he touched me, the way his eyes met mine when we were intimate with each other. We had this thing going on for awhile and some nights just hung out without sex. He seemed to be preoccupied with his ex wife text messages and this other woman he was seeing that he claims was his rebound girl. I started to put myself out there so he would see me more as a possible future mate. Then backed off. Honestly hewas up front with me about no strings attached and we both agreed. I thought i could do it. But i fell for him instead. I am not sure i can be his friend anymore because I am hurting so bad right now. He had been telling me all along that he is not wanting or ready for a relationship. Well i just got a call from him that he is now seeing someone. What does that mean? Seeing someone?? Now the question i have for you Chase...is...will him and I ever be anything more that just friends? Now he knows how i feel and he told me that he only sees us as friends...WTF is that? Please I need yours honest opinion. Also, what could I do to win his heart if at all possible???? Thanks.

heart breaker's picture

a girl who's always "the guy" in relationships


Hi Chase,
I know this is a blog for guys on how to navigate relationships with women, but I need your help.
I'm the girl that always seems to get herself into situations where she has to take on "the guy role." I'm very uncomfortable in this role, but no matter what I do I can't shake it.
My current predicament is one I've encountered a million times and can never navigate out of it successfully. Here's the nuts and bolts: I have a new fun charming male coworker who is not my type but someone I wanted to be friends with. Last night we hung out for the second time since he started working with me and the night ventured into the wee hours of the morning. We'd had a great night & alot of drinks and he kissed me. I enjoyed making out with him & would be interested in having sex with him, but that's all I'm interested in. Problem is, I'm already getting all the warning signals that he wants more and took our makeout sesh to mean more than I did. I have to work with him, I want to stay friends and even enjoy that physicality to its end, but I'm not sure how to communicate that to him without bumming him out to the point of is not being able to remain friendly.

Can you offer me any advice?

Thank you! Sincerely, the perpetually naive, easy-going, "I love you" phobic heart-breaker :S

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Allowed HTML tags: <a> <em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd>
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
  • HTML tags will be transformed to conform to HTML standards.
  • You may insert videos with [video:URL]

More information about formatting options

Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.