What It's Like with a Girl Who's Really In Love
We get comments and questions on here every so often where I see guys saying they think girls are still in love with them, then detailing behavior that makes it clear the girl is most assuredly not anywhere near being in love with them.
I see men chasing desperately after girls who want nothing to do with them, or have decided they're finished with them.
Men who want to know if girls still like them when those girls are busily dating other people and don't have the time of day for them.
So, today's article is not a "how to", nor is it even a "why it
happens this way" (that much); rather, today's article is simply a what it looks like when you have a girl
who's crazy about you... so that you can more properly judge
where you stand, and how much work you've still got cut out for
yourself in becoming the kind of man women go ape over.
If your girlfriends aren't treating you this way... either your relationship skills still need some work (there are plenty of ways to build your relationships this way - see "How to Make a Girl Fall in Love with You" and "Operant Conditioning in Your Romantic Relationships"), or you're not dating the right women for you.
When a girl is in love with you, she's desperate for more time with
Especially if you're a man with a lot going on - and you should be - she's perpetually in a state of never quite having enough of you.
You are more attractive to her than other men - she feels fortunate to be with you. She's not with you because you are her best choice - she's with you because you are her dream choice.
To her, you are:
... and, while she may be able to leave the relationship and move on if absolutely necessary, she knows that she will probably never find another man who will measure up to you.
Not in the slightest.
Love is Not Being in Control
In the movies, two people fall crazy in love with each other, and both people are equally in love. It's magical; it's a once-in-a-lifetime event.
In real life, it doesn't happen this way.
That's because love stems from a feeling of not being in control - and the less in control someone is, the more powerful her emotions toward the object of her affections.
When one person is very much not in control - and, thus, in love - the other person must necessarily be in control - and, thus, not nearly as passionate about the relationship.
If you're desperately chasing after a girl, trying to figure her out, trying to get her back, you feel madly in love with her, because you are not in control. Meantime, she is happily dating someone else, spending little emotion on you, and largely unconcerned about you.
Alternately, if she is crazy in love with you, you will quickly find out that the deeper in love with you she falls, the less in love with her you will be yourself... and it's all due to certainty vs. uncertainty. The more in love with you she becomes, the more in control you are, and the more certainty you have that she's not going anywhere. Thus, your emotions calm down, while hers - as a result of her being less and less in control as you become more and more it - reach feverish heights.
When you are firmly in control with the women you date, it's virtually impossible to prevent them from falling deeply in love... which, as you grow increasingly experienced with women, is something you will want to do.
There's little more smothering than the affections of a girl who's head-over-heels in love with you, and there are few things more dispiriting than knowing that a girl is attaching herself increasingly devotedly to you, and that the only place that leads is to her getting hurt progressively worse somewhere down along the line.
Things In-Love Girls Do
I hear a lot of men talk about their girlfriends as if "she isn't the kind of girl who goes crazy over a man."
All women are the kinds of girls who go crazy over men.
The girlfriends I take are invariably strong, independent women. I've had a few girlfriends who did dote on prior boyfriends, but I've also had girlfriends who were rather accustomed to being doted on themselves: girlfriends whose former partners bought them lots of expensive gifts, whose partners chased after them and longed for them, whose partners even did things like wash their hair or do their laundry for them.
These same women have done things for me like:
- Buy me expensive gifts
- Book and pay for flights / trips for us around the world
- Travel to see me every couple of weeks when I'm living a
- Slave themselves away night and day on a business I was trying to start... for free
- Plan out elaborate surprises for me on birthdays / holidays / anniversaries
... and probably a lot more I'm forgetting to list here, and all mostly without my asking, prompting, or expectation, and all mostly without even a modest form of reciprocation from my end to them.
In fact, I was raised to work hard and not take advantage of other people, and it always feels a little awkward to me when girls go to great ends like this. I'm a big believer in self-reliance: I do my thing, you do your thing.
But that's precisely why women who are in love with you do these things: they're seeking to create interdependence, and eliminate separateness.
Because they're crazy about you, they want to find ways to help you need them as much as they need you.
But because you don't feel as strongly, you seek to create some separation, and some breathing room - and they, sensing this (assuming that you're someone they feel like still cares about them, and who is very desirable to them as a mate), throw themselves after you all the harder.
It's not love if you're having to chase her down.
It's not love if you're trying to figure out how to make her happy because she's not.
It's not love if she isn't staring at you with starry eyes, drinking your features in.
It's not love if she isn't trying to figure out your every move, thought, and agenda.
It's not love if she wouldn't jump at the chance to spend every waking moment with you.
Not love from her end, anyway. Not real love... not crazy love.
And if you are a strong dude - if you're a guy who lives his life on his terms, who runs his relationships to make the women he's with as happy as possible (without costing him too much extra time or effort), who is attractive to women, who is great in bed with women, who has rules he expects upheld in relationships and deals with the breaking of those rules appropriately - women WILL be very much in love with you... and there's next to nothing you can do to prevent them from falling in love with you.
You will turn mighty,
proud, self-reliant women into love struck little girls, and you'll do
it consistently, and without doing a whole lot.
Love Comes from Leaning Back
The guys trying to chase a girl down and convince her to love them
are going about it all wrong. You can't persuade a woman to love you by
throwing enough at her... just as the women who are crazy about you
can't make you crazy about them by doing more for you. It's her investment in you, not yours in
Love comes when you lean in enough to gain someone's interest, then lean back, creating that vacuum. Into the vacuum she goes; sucked in to get back that intense, welcome sensation she had when you leaned in.
When you are very warm with a woman - when you give her hypnotic eye contact, and a warm, sexually inviting smile, and touch her warmly and seductively, and speak to her in your bedroom voice, and give her great, passionate sex, and inspire her, and speak to her soul - she is drawn into you; when you then lean back, removing yourself a bit from this bubble, to get back to your other priorities, she follows, chasing the good feelings you provide that she is hard pressed to truly get elsewhere.
And that's another way of thinking about love: it's about the pursuit of an emotional fix from the person less able to get that fix whenever he or she wants.
If your girl is more in love with you than you are with her, you can get access to her love whenever you want it - she's bursting at the seams to give it to you. All you need to do is ask. But the very knowledge that it is that easily accessible to you makes you want it and need it less - it is an abundance mentality for affection.
Conversely, if she is more in love with you than you are with her, she will want as much access to your love as she can get, because it is infrequently available, and she has little control over it. She may do something nice, and you will give her a little warmth, but then return to working on something you need to work on. Or, you may see her one day, and provide her a rush of good feelings, closeness, and sex, and then she will not see you or hear from you for days, and will dream about being with you, or wonder if she stands to lose you.
What It Feels Like to be Crazily Loved
It feels like a mixture of sweet, and stifling.
When most people think of a girl who's a little too smothering, they think of some crazed girlfriend - Wedding Crashers's "Stage 5 Clinger", or the Overly Attached Girlfriend.
But all girls who really fall for you become a little too much over time... even the ones who've never been like that with anyone else before in their lives.
It lends you an interesting air about yourself when interacting with new women: when you meet new women who are used to being in firm control of their lives, you look right through them and know that you could make them experience a roller coaster of emotions they probably fear experiencing, but would find exhilarating and enlivening if thrown into it. And you talk to them, and they can feel it on you - they know that you can do things to them that few men have or no man has before, and it makes them at once both excited and nervous.
In your relationships, it causes you to treat women delicately at times, because you know how heavily they are investing themselves, without your asking them to (and probably somewhat against your wishes), and how attached they are becoming.
You do your best to modulate this, and tamp down their expectations:
- You will not stick around forever
- You are not all that available
- You are a bad man
... but the more you do this, the more they fall for you anyway.
It can also cause you to snap in annoyance at girlfriends from time to time, who occasionally freak out when they realize how heavily emotionally invested in you they are but how little control over you they really have. In these moments, you'll dismissively tell them if they can't handle being with you, they know where the door is - and they apologize, and become sweet again, and only fall more deeply in love with you.
Love is an addiction the brain stumbles into, and no one is completely immune. All you need for it to happen is to present her with a mate who is beyond what she ordinarily encounters in some important ways, or beyond what she has previously experienced with men, and she becomes hooked.
When you're coming from a place of scarcity with women, where women are precious resources acquired only with much difficulty, and held onto with even greater difficulty, it's natural to go a little above and beyond trying to make women fall as in-love with you as you can.
I certainly did it when I was new to dating, and most inexperienced guys end up doing it. If you can only make her fall deeply in love, you know, then you will be safe.
And that's true; so long as you keep her in love with you, you are as safe from these things as a man can be... but when you're pushing to drive up in-love feelings as intensely as you possibly can, you push them to unrealistic heights, and they very frequently end up crashing.
At some point, she turns sour on the relationship, and realizes she's not getting anything back for all the effort she's putting in and emotion she's investing... and then, once that point is passed, you're in not-so-good shape in the relationship; things quickly fall apart.
So, my recommendation is, if you're new, sure - do strive to make girls fall in love. But also be wary that the deeper you pull them into in-love, the harder the pendulums of their hearts are going to swing back the other way when you can no longer pull these any further.
If you want to be smart about getting women to be in-love with you, you will draw them in just a bit, but mostly try to keep things as even-keel as possible.
The funny and sad irony of all this is, of course, that by trying to keep things stable and even so that your relationships do not serve as too much of a distraction to the rest of your life, you will often drive the women you're in them with to fall in love with you more deeply and thoroughly on their own than the guys trying to will them to love them ever will.
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