Why Nice Guys Finish Last
Even before I dove into actively learning how to improve myself with women, I knew that nice guys finished last. I mean, it’s basically a cliché at this point, right? Everyone knows it. Poor nice guys.
But despite how common this knowledge seems to be, a lot of guys still don’t seem to have realized it. We see men over and over again playing the role of nice guy. They think that if they move slowly and carefully and show women how respectful and gentlemanly they are, and cater to their every whim and listen to those women and do everything they ask of them, those women will be wooed and will fall for them. Instead, what invariably happens? Well, the same thing that always happen to those who move slow – they get left in the dust.
Let’s not focus on the slow-moving nature of most nice guys, though – that’s covered in detail in the article Move Faster posted a few months ago here on this site. Rather, let’s focus on why it is that nice guys are so ineffectual at getting what they want – what they really want. Why do nice guys finish last?
One of the most ironic things for nice guys has got to be all the girls who sit around lamenting, “Why can’t I ever find a nice guy?” The irony, think most nice guys, is that these same girls saying this are often making this very lament to their kind-hearted, respectful nice guy friends, who themselves would like nothing more than to be the nice guys these poor women are supposedly pining after, and save these damsels-in-distress from the apparently awful, endless cycle they find themselves in of ending up with men who just don’t treat them right. But of course, if said nice guy friends ever suggest that maybe these girls should date them, because they are nice guys, the girls in question universally say something like, “You? But you’re my friend! I would never want to risk losing your friendship by messing it up with dating / sex!” Then, sure enough, these girls end up with another bad boy yet again, while the nice guy friend watches helplessly and frustrated from the sidelines.
The only time the nice guys actually get the girl is when she’s finally had her fill of bad boys and decides that it’s time to settle down with a nice guy who will take good care of her. The bad boys enjoy her when she’s young and vivacious, and the nice guys get the leftovers. The nice guys do get the girl – they do finish – it’s just that they finish last. Like the cliché.
I’m kind of painting a pretty unfortunate picture here, for both nice guys and these poor women trapped in a cycle of one bad boy after another. So before I give you the wrong impression, let me clear a few things up: first, women like bad boys because they’re addicted to the way that bad boys make them feel. And second, the men who are MOST successful with women are, quite often, believe it or not, some of the most genuinely NICE men you will ever meet. They are truly warm, caring, generous souls.
The difference between these men and what most people think of when they hear the term “nice guy” is that the men who are good people and successful with women are strong men who are kind because they choose to be. Those are the kind of men women are talking about when they say, “Why can’t I ever meet a nice guy?” What women actually mean when they say this is, “Why can’t I ever meet a STRONG, SEXY man who also happens to have a good heart?”
Your standard, run-of-the-mill nice guy, however, is not nice because he’s a legitimately warm-hearted soul, like those strong men we just mentioned. Instead, he’s nice because he’s scared. He’s scared that if he comes off as too assertive, or too aggressive, or too masculine, he will frighten women away and lose them. So he acts sweet and kind and gentlemanly and slow in an effort to not scare off women.
And, in the end, all he scares off is their attraction.
So, before we continue, let me just say that you CAN and SHOULD be a good person, be caring, kind, and generous, and get girls. You can be that way and get a LOT of girls.
What a man can NOT be, and what most “nice guys” get wrong, is weak or scared. Women can smell these traits like bad body odor, and it turns them off even faster than it (actually, the right kind of body odor can be very attractive to women – but that’s for another post).
“Nice guys” dance around the question of what they really want with a woman. Men who actually get the girl do not. If a woman asks a strong man what he wants from her, he will either tell her directly (i.e., “You.”) or he will flirt with her (i.e., “We just met an hour ago and already you’re trying to get in my pants. Shame on you.”) or be coy (i.e., “It’s too early for expectations. Let’s just enjoy the time we’re spending together and see what happens.”). If a woman asks a nice guy what he wants from her, he will get visibly nervous and defensive and tell her something like, “Nothing! I just like hanging out with you.”
He’s so afraid of her finding out that he likes her that he tries to make it sound like he DOESN’T. As a result, women write him off as a suitor and look for another man.
I had a conversation recently with an ex of mine, a very beautiful, passionate woman, about some of the men she dated and slept with after me. Some men she slept with quickly; others not at all. One of them, a guy she initially was very excited about but later slotted into the “friend zone”, she defended by describing as a great guy that she liked a lot. I asked her why she hadn’t slept with him then; her reply was that he was too nice and she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. She said he was looking for something more serious than what she could give him at the time. I asked her why she said that; she said it was because he told her he was looking for a serious relationship.
Do you think, for one moment, that had she told him, “Well, I’m just looking to hook up,” he would’ve said, “Oh, no thank you.” Of course not! I’m willing to bet you a hundred dollars that the entire reason he told her he was looking for a serious relationship was because that’s what he thought she wanted to hear - he probably thought it was the “safest bet” at getting her. I’m sure he’s a great guy, but when a man dances around like this and tries to act like he’s not interested in sleeping with women fast, it kills attraction. Just like it did here. Other men, who weren’t so timid about their intentions, got to sleep with my ex. But this poor nice guy didn’t (at least so far as I know!).
This is not an isolated case. This is how most women feel about nice guys. In fact, it’s damn near universal. Women don’t find nice guys sexy. They just don’t lie there late at night fantasizing about a nice guy making love to them. The men that women want to get sweaty and naked with are the men who are everything nice guys are not: strong, challenging, independent, confident, certain of what they want, and unapologetic about their desires.
Men who try to hide their desires are unattractive.
That’s one of the keys to the failure of men who are too nice. Their fear and cautiousness leads to unattractive behavior. Women want men who are fearless and take risks – because, in life, the men who are most successful are the men who take risks and find success. Men accustomed to taking risks and finding success tend to be confident and fearless – and the reverse is also true.
Confidence communicates success. When women see you going for what you want, they tell themselves it must be because you’re used to GETTING what you want.
And that makes you sexy.
So, for all the nice guys out there, here’re a few pointers to help you get out of the no-man’s land of dating and sexual frustration and on the road to taking control of your fate with the women you desire:
Be an asshole. This is especially for those REALLY nice guys who are used to getting slotted firmly into friend territory by women and never getting into hook-up (or at least boyfriend) material. Your ultimate goal, five years down the road, is not actually to be an asshole; you ultimately want to be a good-hearted man who is also strong and sexy. But if you’re coming from a position of being too nice / friendly, your goal now IS to be an asshole. Focus on adding that edge to your personality. Bad boys are sexy. See how far you can push it. You need to really push yourself to be an asshole before you start realizing where the right limits are.
Be less accommodating. There’s a fine line between being thoughtful and generous and being overnice and supplicating and getting taken advantage of (or at least for granted). Many men – most men, maybe – supplicate. That means that they do anything women ask of them, and practically go around acting like man-servants to women they like. THIS IS NOT ATTRACTIVE. That’s bolded and capitalized for a reason. Men who supplicate do NOT get sex. They just don’t. Case closed, end of story. Sex is reserved for strong men. Supplication is the realm of weak men. Supplication includes things like doing whatever she asks, letting her control the pace and flow of a conversation or interaction, letting her be disrespectful, etc. Be a strong man who does what he wants, and if you want to do something for a woman, make sure it’s on your terms and not simply because she wants it. That is one of the keys to a woman’s heart (and panties), and it’s one that most men don’t seem to get.
Challenge her. I’ll cover this a little more in an upcoming edition of “Secrets to Getting Girls”, but for now suffice it to say that men who are difficult to get, and not pushovers, are attractive. If a man is easy to get, a woman unconsciously assumes it must be because he doesn’t have a lot of options (or at least none as amazing as her). If he’s a challenge to get, however (i.e., he plays a little coy, isn’t afraid to tease her a bit, and asks her to put some work into their interactions), she values him far more greatly – and wants him all the more.
Be honest about what you want, or be flirtatious about it. One of the scariest things for most nicer guys in the world is being direct. Ask a guy coming from a background of being a little too nice to women to go up to a woman and say something direct to her (i.e., “I saw you walking along, and just had to come tell you you have the most stunning features I’ve seen all day”) and he will all but shrivel up into a ball and roll home. Train yourself to be able to be honest with women about your attraction for them, or at the very least to be flirtatious. You should be able to tease women about being attracted to you. At the end of the day though, the man who is able to set the teasing aside and state his intentions clearly and honestly is the man who gets the girl most often. He’s the guy who, when she asks, “What do you want from me?” will be able to smile that knowing smile and pull her in for a passionate kiss, because he’s not afraid of her finding out what he wants; he wants her to figure out what it is he wants. And he’s excited at the prospect of her wanting it too.
That should be enough to get you started. Always remember, there’s a BIG difference – a world of difference – between being a lover of women who happens to have a heart, and being a pushover nice guy who supplicates to women and hides his intentions. One is sexy, the other is not. One gets girls, the other gets frustrated.
Make sure you’re being the right one ;)
Want to do better with women in general? Cover the basics with our section on Fundamentals, and delve into the intricacies of excelling with the opposite sex in our flagship series Secrets to Getting Girls.
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