What Women Think About Their Husbands

Just wrote this in response to an interesting conversation elsewhere on the Internet, and want to share here. Hope you enjoy.

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Most women, like most men, think about what the other person "owes" them more than what they owe the other person. The women I've hooked up with who were straying from their husbands seemed to come in one of two flavors:

• Woman Scorned, or
• Desperate Housewife

I've never slept with a married woman who was excited about / crazy in love with her husband. Here are some comments from the women who've spoken them:

Woman Scorned

"He cheated on me when he was over in Singapore, but he didn't think I'd find out. Well, I did. And do you know what I did then? I cheated on him back!" -- told to me by a beautiful, model-esque married 21 y/o American chick on our first date

"We got married at 18 but we shouldn't have. It was a mistake. It's probably going to end soon." -- told to me by another married 21 y/o American chick I met at a party and shagged later that night

Desperate Housewife

"I'm traditional and I don't have sex before marriage." -- told to me by a 29 y/o Chinese chick before our first date. We then proceeded to have sex on that first date, and she talked about how she wanted a husband. A few months later I got a phone call back from that husband when I gave this gal a call. She apparently (according to him) married him for citizenship and security but had no respect for him. Oh, and he'd married her either the week before or the week after our encounter, and she'd been seeing him for a year at that point.

"My husband's a great guy." -- told to me by a married 29 y/o American chick I pulled back to her hotel room, made out with and played around with on her bed and would have slept with had I not had the runs that night. Note that she said that early on before we got naughty; all she said later was, "You're bad for me."

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Women who stray from LTRs do so (in my experience) because the guy isn't giving them what they think they're owed. That may be exclusivity, or a good relationship, or security (the women scorned), or it may just be excitement, romance, and good sex (the desperate housewives).

But, just going off that, there are a LOT of reasons a woman may think she isn't getting what she's owed. Depending on her temperament, how tightly wound she is, and how low or high her barriers to sex are, it seems to take a higher or lower threshold of anger / boredom to inspire infidelity.

The reason I go into this is to illustrate the two different ways women think about their long-term relationships, in my opinion:

• Some women see their long-term man as POWERFUL and IN-CHARGE, and when they don't get what they want from him, they can become angry and bitter and resentful and try to hurt him and get revenge (just as children rebel against parents they feel have denied them what they're owed), or else seek out comfort sex from another (safer, usually) man to rebuild their self-esteem and make them feel good again (this is more once a woman has decided a relationship is over and is trying to rebound).

• Other women see their long-term man as WEAK and OWNED, and find him boring, predictable, and too safe. As a result, they feel like they aren't getting the excitement / stimulation they're owed, and feel entitled to get it somewhere else (and I'm certainly not arguing with them!).

The ideal way for a woman in a long-term relationship to view you is as a powerful man in charge of the relationship, while feeling that you are meeting all of her needs. If she begins feeling like you're failing to meet her needs, she'll begin resenting you, getting pissy and dramatic, and pulling away.

If, on the other hand, a man gives her TOO much security, she'll take him for granted, grow bored with him and think of him as sitting safely at home waiting for her – perhaps while she seeks thrills in the arms and beds of other men.

The only time I see long-term relationships that seem to be running admirably are the ones in which the man keeps the woman on her toes while meeting most / all of her needs. Usually the guy is considerate, but doesn't mind giving her a hard time and still teases and challenges her even if they are (supposedly) exclusive and have been seeing each other for a while. He refuses to let it get comfortable.

The women in relationships like that seem to think of their men as sexy, mysterious, challenging, and attractive, and I find them the most difficult to move attraction forward with in general. They're already pretty happy with their man, and it's a hard sell for me to get them to do something with me. The situation needs to be just right, and it's a lot better if she's just had a fight with him (and is veering into Woman Scorned territory).

I'll sum it up. In my opinion, there are three ways a woman can view a man (going from one extreme to the other):

• "Ah, my safe, boring husband, sitting at home waiting for me. Maybe I'll just have a little fun with this other guy -- what husband doesn't know won't hurt him!"

• "Mmm, husband is sending me naughty texts again. Ooh, I can't wait to get home and see him."

• "Blech, my husband is such a jerk. I can't believe he did XYZ thing AGAIN. I'll show him, though. Two can play that game. Come here, handsome stranger..."

Basically, it's all about HER and what she WANTS. If she WANTS her long-term guy, she'll go for sex with him. If she wants revenge on him, or has lost sexual interest in him, she'll go for sex with someone else.

It's the man's job in a long-term relationship to keep things fresh and exciting and challenging while simultaneously meeting the woman's needs. Otherwise, the balance fails and she ventures into Woman Scorned or Desperate Housewife land.

Depending on the woman, she may swing back and forth from these modes at different times. Aim for the happy medium, but err on the side of being a jerk rather than being boring. Easier to recover from jerkdom than bore-city, in my opinion.

Also keep in mind that women don't get pissed off and seek revenge on men they don't care about. You'll never see a girl getting revenge sex or rebound sex over some FWB she had for three months that she never really was all that interested in. They only get pissed off at guys they've bought into and are working to please (or think should be pleased with them, in any event) and feel like their efforts are being unrewarded and the guy in question isn't holding up his end of the bargain.

Chase Amante