Why Girls Don’t Like Hooking Up with “Regulars” | Girls Chase

Why Girls Don’t Like Hooking Up with “Regulars”

An experience a friend of mine had recently, while kicking back at a bar drinking with a few of his friends, and chatting up the occasional girl or two in range:

... but then a really pretty babe saw me who had already agreed to meet me for a date. She came up and said ‘Are you Will?' And I said hi. She was like ‘Are you here like all the time?' and the bartender was like ‘oh yea, he's here a lot.'

Later I got a text from her saying: ‘I'm not going to be able to meet you for our date, and I can't reschedule. Best of luck!'

Lol. Oh well. I never thought socializing at night would ever work AGAINST me, but I guess there is a first for everything!

Definitely a bummer (and actually pretty rude). Highest admiration to my friend for taking that with the kind of poise and elegance he typically does. If you're not fully attuned to the social dynamics at play here, in addition to being hurtful, rude, and flighty, it can also look downright random.

hooking up regulars

It's obvious there's some kind of value judgment going on: “Oh, you're a regular? Oh... erm... uh... yeah, I can't see you again. Have a nice life!”

A big enough value judgment to totally flip her from, “Sure, let's go on a date and see where it leads,” to, “Erk – no.”

Yet, there's more at play here than meets the eye, and the value flop is only a part of it.

So what's so bad about being a regular, anyway?

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Comments

Li's picture

There's a lot of good content on this site, and sometimes it feels like there isn't much left to be said. But this is a totally novel, detailed analysis of a phenomenon I wasn't even aware of. Thanks, Chase.

Anonymous's picture

Dave, are facial expression trainable?

Anonymous's picture

I'm not Dave but I'd like to think that I've done a pretty good job getting facial expressions down. I even had to pull back a bit because I had TOO much expression.

I've found the best references are videos and movies. You need to find your own personal role model.

My best examples are James Bond (Classic), Damon Salvatore (Bad ass current reference), and a mix of other TV and movie characters

Check these videos:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S39paDGZ0Ew

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMjgaKFgNMM

Yes it has stupid music. But its in slow motion. Which is so valuable because most facial expressions are too quick for most people to notice. And because Ian Somerhalder is a genius. He uses his eyes and eyebrows combined with his facial expressions to be badass yet hilarious at the same time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYufeLaIggU

This clip has been used before by Chase and it has the sexy artist vibe which is different from my style, but might suit yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsJSRP7cZVo

Don Draper is another one of my role models. He only says one word in this video. But he says it a different way every time. Great for picking up subtle facial expressions and how much communication is nonverbal.

Like I said, you have to pick your own role models. But checking these out is a good start to getting facial expressions down.

Hope this helps.

Anonymous's picture

You are the best Anon. The videos were really helpful!!!
I think Somerhalder is my favorite but I am not sure
I will be able to be as good as him when it comes to facial expressions.
Anyway, thanks the amazing help!

David Riley's picture

This comment is loaded with valuable information, I learned a lot about facial features from watching greats actors and performers. Once you get it down you will have overcome a great hurdle in your seduction path.

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

Chase/Dave,
I want to get out and kiss some girls. No big
deal, just kissing so it becomes natural to me.
How would you advise me to approach and kiss??
I just a bit scared of bad consequences .
For the approach, should I just come, say : "Hi" then kiss?
I saw a few videos on youtube where guys go out kissing random strangers
but I do think they are fake.
And is it essential t have good looks to do this or solid fundamentals
would be great?

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

It's very possible to do something like that but the girl would have to be into you feel your sexual energy. It's more of an advance move when you really start figuring what girls are into you. You can begin to kiss girls when you begin to isolate them during a one on one conversation with them. From there you want to build up the build a sexual frame and fill it with sexual tension. You'll notice the conversation dying down and then you'll want to make a move to kiss her. Bring her in close and kiss her.

Also, check out this amazing article.
Hot to Kiss girls in Public

Take care,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

How I could deal with feeling that it is not a shame to feel happy.
I usually see people whining and struggling in their mediocrity but I don't wanna follow this path, I know that feeling happy is completely ok, but for me it always has a shadow of 'you feel so good that there must be something wrong with it of if you'. I know logically how silly it is, but I didn't find my way to cure those strange emotions. How could I? Or is it me secretly being in love with mediocrity stuff... I feel urge to combat this issue, just don't know HOW.

banana's picture

Yeah, I would like to know to it too. How to get of feeling of being responsible for the worlds problems and start enjoying myself with no feeling of guilt. For me hapiness is always accompanied with stuff like I should not be feeling so good and who I am to be having sex with those beautiful chicks when there are so many male friends struggling and don't want to improve themselves no matter how I propose it to them, and I feel like I should help them, but I cannot. On the other hand, I know I don't have to fix lives for those who don't want it, and even for those who want it, cause its my life and I should be able to enjoy myself without any guilt... I know it is complete crap to be guilty when enjoying, but still it feels this way and emotions of enjoying go together packed with feeling unworth it or guilty for it. How the hell one ever gets happy without feeling guilty for it in front of ANYONE?... I consider life not worth living at all if all you have to do is struggle one way or another without opportunity to enjoy outcomes, and maybe not only outcomes but the process too. What we are getting wrong. Article on this could save my life and happiness of it, I suppose :)

David Riley's picture

Hey Guys,

Check out these article links.

Being Happy
#5 Happiness
Brain Hacks

I'll let chase in the other authors know about you guys request. Take a look at these articles in the meantime though.

Just Dave

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey fellas,

I haven't personally experienced the "shame of happiness" or "guilt of success" or things along those lines; for me it's always been a sense that achievement and happiness is simply something you get if you earn it. If you earn it it's yours; if you don't earn it it won't be yours. I'd suppose that you're experiencing this either due to being surrounded by too many victim mentality sufferers who drag you down and make you feel bad about success, or perhaps it's an early childhood issue like this.

Feeling like you need to rescue everybody is one I've gone through; that's superman syndrome and you need to learn to refocus your efforts on those who genuinely want to learn. The turning point for me was running a business where I realized I was devoting lots of time to the "losers" who were never going to take my advice anyway, and precious little time to the "winners" who were actively improving themselves and taking whatever advice they could get from me and implementing it immediately. I changed my tune after that.

Here's an easy way to treat it, but you must realize you can't put anyone on your back and carry him to success (usually you have to try and fail and realize that despite a Herculean amount of effort on your part, this other person is still no better off, first): once you're aware of that, adopt the philosophy of "everyone who needs help or guidance, I will assign one task to complete." The victim mentality people vanish fast because getting better isn't what they want; they want your pity. The only people who hang around are the ones who actually want to improve, and those are the only ones you can help - they're also the only ones who DESERVE your help (or are open to it). Tell the others to come back when they're ready and waste no more time on them.

Chase

TubyDuby's picture

Oh, my old friend shame of happiness. I solved it once with realizations that lead me to one tiny thing:
* Life is real and I do matter, at least for me.
* We are all selfish to some extent (building own Maslows)
* Society may want to tell me how to fit in it for me the way it desires, not the way I would like to. (people can lie and have their intentions) - as common held beliefs don't need to be true.

And when I had this shame I was a nice guy. Now I have become an awesome guy just because of one tiny thing.

What is it that tiny thing, that goldie?

Ultimate realization that world would be better place if we all had more selfish tendencies and would feel no shame for it. Because anyone can get better only when helping for themselves, not when chasing around those who just play 'I do not need it' and getting those not true feelings of making something worthy. In this case more people would take responsibility for their happiness and lead more active and interesting lives.
Because of this I had to choose:
* Be bitter and always don't give a damn about myself, cause 'no one sees my stuff, so I can have shit in my thoughts'
* Be happy and make more people growing around me just inspiring by example, not by long motivating shitty stories, which are just an excuse for some souls to feel temporary ok and than act like shits again.

Anonymous's picture

the breakdown of social dynamics is brilliant.

Wolf's picture

Hey dave, tinder is not working for ya brother here. I got 1 match out of like 30 in one day. I think it was a bot because she didn't even respond to me. I even liked black girls and they didn't get back to me. I had to quit after one day because I felt too thirsty!

I had three pics, one pic of me looking away from the cam, that girls have liked a lot when they seen it before, another pic looking away, and another pic I took showing my full body and my expensive fly clothing.

My clothes were preppy button ups, I had a sexy smile, all the good stuff. I know im attractive and can get girls ( I just got some tonight). So I don't know what's the problem?

What's wrong dave and what should I do to get some more matches as a black guy?

TThanks

David Riley's picture

Hey Wolf,

You would be surprised how many matches girls get everyday on Tinder. You're going up against a legion thirsty men. Some women don't check their Tinder that often as a result. One day I would get a match and the next day I would have five matches. Sometimes I would match with girls I completely forgot about, You're not thirsty Wolf. Thirsty on Tinder would be following a girl who rejected you on Twitter or Instagram and trying to talk to her. That's thirsty, there's nothing wrong with finding a girl cute and acting on it. Continuous rejection from girl and you still sucking up to her is chasing/simping/thirsty or whatever word describes that kind of behavior these days.

Tinder is also largely dependent on your area and city as well. If you're from a more conservative town you won't be pulling that many matches. If you're from a more diverse friendly town you'll be doing fine. Online dating sucks period for men because women have the upper hand. Now I will say this chances are if you match with a girl, she will most likely won't to meet up or/and fuck. You just have to stay on Tinder long enough to find them. Day and night play a huge factor too. I've matched with girls frequently who've been out drinking and thought I was cute. When you match with them message them right away. You may be able to make something happen and meet with them. Don't look at Tinder as your sole option. We as men have to go through different avenues to find women to sleep with. Tinder only is an extra tool to help meet girls you wouldn't ordinarily see.

Take care,

Just Dave

RJ's picture

Hi Chase

Articles going up have been great this year, and better year on year.

Could we see an article on 'being busy'
I've noticed a lot of mention in articles on the import ace of being busy as high value men are, though if you don't have plans, instead of attending the same nightspots, how can one 'be busy'…are you at home reading, exercising, computing.
I'd like to know how to mentally and physically be more busy, for good cause as 'high value' men are.

Possibility of an in-depth article on mysterious…I know a lot was covered in byronic traits, and the 'cool' article, and at present i currently work in an office (i'm 25) and i'd like to be mysterious, but without being the 'strange private' gu, is there a way to say things, but leave a lot to question though it being clear all at the same time? be incredible if you can!

And last but not least
Could we get a 'lifestyle' article from you? By that, i mean, a years back you had one on great books to read like guns,germs steel etc. Any other books that you are currently reading…or on your too read list, or any websites that you have read a good article or two online of, or how you work when browsing the web, do you look for specific articles to get a point, or get a point then look for articles on it? It would be great to find out more :-)

Regards
RJ

David Riley's picture

Hey RJ,

I will let Chase and the other authors know about your request.

Take care,

Just Dave

blogster's picture

how do you think you should adapt this to other parts of your life which are more 'regular'? you want to be the regular committed guy at the gym, you take the same route to work, you have a social circle(s), work in the same building and go to lunch/coffee in the same areas during the work week, so it gets a bit trickier!

David Riley's picture

Hey Blogster,

Here's some articles that should help you.

Gym Pickup
Dating at Work

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

Chase and Dave, hi!
I was wondering how much the beauty of the face ( eyes and lips)
is essential for looking sexy.
I have an ugly face, can't do anything about it . Is it really
necessary to have a pretty face? Help please.

Anonymous's picture

Hey, Chase pretty much answers this in: 'How Much Do Looks Matter for Romantic Success?', but the short and long of it is looks definitely are important, but looks aren't everything, and looks are based on more than basic facial beauty. You can become more attractive looking by upgrading your style (clothes/fashion sense, facial hair, haircut).
I've linked the articles below that you might want to read about physical looks.

http://www.girlschase.com/content/how-much-do-looks-matter-romantic-success

http://www.girlschase.com/content/fashion-men-primer-looking-amazing

http://www.girlschase.com/content/facial-hair-styles-make-you-look-cool-...

That being said, there is more to being attractive and sexy. Most of it is covered or linked to in
http://www.girlschase.com/content/how-be-sexy-man.

Best wishes, anon

AusGuyInSoCal's picture

Hey Guys,

Just wanted your thoughts on whether "lolwut?" and similar cognitive dissonance inducing texts could be utilized in other value-reducing contexts - for example flaking or break-ups.

For context: while I'm well-and-truly over it now, earlier in the year I was briefly seeing what I thought at the time to be a great girl (attractive, amazing figure with a masters degree and great chat).

Out of nowhere (and in complete contradiction to everything she'd said (and did) to me a week earlier) there was apparently now a guy she'd been "speaking to" with whom she had since "gotten pretty serious" (evidently more serious than what went down in my pool's shallow end earlier that week!).

I wrote this off as just another fickle SoCal girl with a neutral "best of luck" text message, got back on the horse and have been going from strength-to-strength ever since armed with the lessons learned.

With that being said, I live in SoCal so this kind of behaviour is bound to come my way again. My current tactic is silence and it works probably 25% of the time (they figure out their situation and text back in a month or so). But what about inducing some extra cognitive dissonance into the decision to end things? Or am I just being bitter?

One final piece of context: I'm not referring to break-ups of long-term relationships here. I'm referring to short-term relationships where you're clearly the sexy man that's being replaced by boyfriend material (which as a foreigner living in the US is often my domain - American girls love us but don't take us home to Mum & Dad).

Cheers

AusGuyInSoCal

David Riley's picture

Hey Aus,

Sometimes a girl will choose another guy over you just because out of convenience for herself. Sometimes we live to far or we don't fit into the schedule like she feels we should. Other times we possibly didn't give her quite the emotions she wanted to feel. It's a toss up and women change their minds quite frequently. I would say "lolwut" would actually be a good response if you're looking for a more straight forward answer. If you're not so serious about some girls, you can just let them fade out. When a girl feels you won't commit to her, she'll go find someone else.

David Riley's picture

Hey Aus,

Sometimes a girl will choose another guy over you just because out of convenience for herself. Sometimes we live to far or we don't fit into the schedule like she feels we should. Other times we possibly didn't give her quite the emotions she wanted to feel. It's a toss up and women change their minds quite frequently. I would say "lolwut" would actually be a good response if you're looking for a more straight forward answer. If you're not so serious about some girls, you can just let them fade out. When a girl feels you won't commit to her, she'll go find someone else.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Aus Guy-

Dissonance is fun to play with, and it's definitely a more advanced tactic. I have a few more bits about it on the discussion boards here:

Doing it when a girl's told you she's found someone else I don't have a good solution for. Usually I just write those off as I completely messed up on the date and/or moved too slowly, and shoot her a message like, "Cool!" and drop it.

If you think you know what went wrong though, I don't see any reason why you couldn't write something back like, "Well, that was fast!" and then text her a minute later and say, "Hold on, I'm calling you," and then call her. You'd want to kick off the call basically laughing and thinking it's hilarious, and tease her a little bit about it, because her major concern is that you're some clingy guy who's going to be freaking out that she's picked someone else over him.

If you're sufficiently "This is hilaious" about it, you can sometimes cause a girl to start doubting her decision to pick someone else over you (especially if he's a pretty regular guy, which most guys are, and here's you, this big, attractive question mark who isn't responding remotely like how men usually do).

Chase

340Breeze's picture

Unrelated topic, but I needed to post somewhere:

Some girls are very sexually open but present "token" resistance by "pretending" to be pure until a man comes, makes her feel appreciated/liked (hopefully because he does like who she IS as a person) and then says the magic keywords (which basically are along the lines of "i know women are sexual, I like it, and you can be that way around me.") This is standard frame control not too difficult once you understand the dynamics behind her resistance.

But there are harder nuts to crack which include (but are not limited to) women who are bitter/fearful/religious of opening their hearts or becoming intimate with a man too soon. They truly do have significant reservations about men in general (maybe after being burned one too many times). These women want men to prove themselves, move slow, and be traditional. They say things along the lines of "I want to be platonic friends first", "I don't want to move too fast", and so on. In other words they don't want to let their emotions get in the way of the mate assessment engine. They come off as being "logical" and "practical" and not getting all tied up in emotion; they know where that got them before. How to deal with these women?

And to add another twist to the situation is the mentalities that some of these girls have. You guys don't write about it alot on girlschase, you guys are POSITIVITY GURUS, but they exist nonetheless. Some ambitious women (i.e. black ones) seem to think that because they're ambitious/professional that they're somehow better than most other minority women out there that aren't professionals. As a result, many of these girls price their pussies into the stratosphere meaning they make men wait for the pussy (especially those that have been burned before) and they seem to think that they're somehow "better" than other girls (white, asian hispanic) who move faster (aka easy sluts) or are more submissive in comparison. Which is rubbish.

But yet I see so many professional black men avoiding black women like the plague. Instead these guys have white, asian, mixed, or even hispanic girls on their arms, and what happens sometimes is some black women scowl at the non-black women on these guys arms. Alot of these girls have attitudes that inspire ambitious/in-demand men to head for the exits, but yet they don't want to change their behaviors (until they get older and have stayed single for a long, long time). All aren't bad, but what seems to be happening is a rotten few spoils it for the entire bunch...

Any thoughts on the matter? Maybe someone should create a boyschase website for some of these girls, lol.

One strategy is to leave simply leave these women (who value their vaginas/hearts EXTREMELY highly to the point where the resulting attitude is standoffish and mildly annoying). But maybe there is another verbal strategy to break their frame... but with so many options around I haven't tried all that hard, I just NEXT. But I'm sure where there's a will there's a way. If you guys have any thoughts, I'd love to hear them.

Cheers,

340Breeze.

David Riley's picture

Hey Breeze,

First I want to share some articles for you.

Religious Girls
Professional Girls

Second let's take a look at black culture. As a black man myself, I can tell you that black women aren't like other minority groups. They feel as though they don't "need a man". Because of government assistance in the forms of alimony and child support, feminism, and broken homes black women aren't sure how to be feminine. They lash out at their partners and try to control them. A good number of them are extremely vulgar and confrontational as well. On top of that majority of are ridiculously big and overweight. Black men are extremely turned off and repulsed sometimes at black women. A guy by the name of Roosh V wrote an intersting article about why black men are dating more outside their race.

Black men who date white women

Now a lot of black guys who are professional like myself, would love to date black women but, there are so few options. I didn't even bring up that a lot of black women have kids already either. I don't want a woman who's been used up already. Black women also have extremely high expectations. This is why a lot of blacks go find girls who are more down to earth. Black women have to realize that they're the ones chasing black men away. Anyway just my thoughts on the matter.

Take care,

Just Dave

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Breeze-

The big one to keep in mind here is frame control. I can tell you that when I used to meet these women years ago, they could shake me, and we'd leave in a draw, both of us awkward, me because I wasn't able to make them quake in their boots around me and them because they weren't able to do so with me.

These days, even with very dominating women, I find that they submit quite easily around me, because I have much stronger frame control. That is, she might walk around thinking she's the Queen of Awesome most of the time, and most guys bend to her frame and chase her around. And then she meets me and I just treat her like a cute, sexy little girl and she turns into a kitten.

Much of this is just experience. Once you're very experienced, if you run into a woman who starts treating you like she thinks she's the Queen and you're one of her subjects, you'l have enough tools in your nonverbal arsenal now by then that you'll be able to throw a bored look or a skeptical look her way, then turn on the sexual tension and have her just melt.

Frame control's one of (the?) hardest things to teach out there, and you pretty much only get it through reams of field experience with a focus in the back of your head on "I must always dominate the frame." You lose a lot, but take away lessons from each one: "Why did that girl still treat me like an underling?" or "Why did she still think that I would be someone to submit to her view of the universe?"

Fact is, everyone's looking at the world from a slightly (or very) different angle, and when two people meet the one with the stronger belief in his angle is the one who forces the other person to look back through it. You want that to be you imposing your reality on others, rather than being the one having realities imposed upon him.

I'd suggest these articles to start, but there's tons in general on the site that teaches the right mentalities (and tactics) for proper frame control:

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey dave, I've been thinking about respect like crazy and want to get it. I'm mostly talking about in the hood, I want people to respect and fear me. I always regret not trying this before when I was younger and it kills me to this day.

I've always been known as a chill dude, ive had many altercations in my life, I came out on top with Wins in most of them. I had a couple of losses I can't erase from my brain. I want to get revenge on those who did me wrong.

My two question's are:
1. I have this cool guy persona and have been known as that my whole life, I want to change that to a guy that is feared, respected, and nothing to fuck with. I don't want to join a gang or anything, I just want to know how do I change me old persona in the hood.

2. How do I get revenge on those who did me wrong in the hood?

Thank you dave

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

Check out Chase's response here

Revenge Comment

Just Dave

Lucid's picture

EDIT: I asked her out and got her number. Feel free to delete this message to make space for others

Lenny110's picture

Love the article. One thing though... say you have a young girl who is getting into the club/nightlife scene and sees you as an old hand in the game and someone with status in the nightclub realm. Does being in this position make you too valuable of an asset for her to have sex with?
You've mentioned in other articles why guys who get girls into clubs and that sort of thing don't usually bed the girls because the girls value the guy too highly for access to clubs.
How does one achieve the correct balance in this situation? To be the experienced guy who can help the girl move up the social ladder without seeming to valuable to have sex with?
Thanks,
Lenny

David Riley's picture

Hey Lenny,

Girl: You seem like you know a lot of people.
Me: You think so?
Girl: Well, yeah people have been saying hi to you all night.
Me: They're just being polite
Girl: Haha whatever
Me: Believe what you want, so you were telling me about . . .*lead into next conversation*

When you bring down your value instead of declaring "Yes! I'm awesome!" It helps you out tremendously in the long run. It keeps their expectations from getting to high and you from getting sucked and dried.

Just Dave

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