Why Girls Don’t Like Hooking Up with “Regulars”


An experience a friend of mine had recently, while kicking back at a bar drinking with a few of his friends, and chatting up the occasional girl or two in range:

... but then a really pretty babe saw me who had already agreed to meet me for a date. She came up and said ‘Are you Will?' And I said hi. She was like ‘Are you here like all the time?' and the bartender was like ‘oh yea, he's here a lot.'

Later I got a text from her saying: ‘I'm not going to be able to meet you for our date, and I can't reschedule. Best of luck!'

Lol. Oh well. I never thought socializing at night would ever work AGAINST me, but I guess there is a first for everything!

Definitely a bummer (and actually pretty rude). Highest admiration to my friend for taking that with the kind of poise and elegance he typically does. If you're not fully attuned to the social dynamics at play here, in addition to being hurtful, rude, and flighty, it can also look downright random.

hooking up regulars

It's obvious there's some kind of value judgment going on: “Oh, you're a regular? Oh... erm... uh... yeah, I can't see you again. Have a nice life!”

A big enough value judgment to totally flip her from, “Sure, let's go on a date and see where it leads,” to, “Erk – no.”

Yet, there's more at play here than meets the eye, and the value flop is only a part of it.

So what's so bad about being a regular, anyway?


The Base Level Value Judgment

Let's talk about the value judgment going on here first.

There are a few different ways a woman can receive you when she finds out you're a regular at a bar or club, and it depends on a few things:

  • How experienced at nightlife she is and how she feels about it
  • How new to this venue in particular she is
  • Her age, and what exactly she's looking for

Each of these things impacts her assessment of your value as a potential mate to her, and each for its own reasons. Here's how they work:

  1. Experience Level: three (3) potential scenarios here:

    • She's new to nightlife, and aspires to be a part of it. In this case, your value goes up, as you seem like someone who can help pull her into it and help her acclimate to it as a tried-and-true veteran. You are already good at what she aspires to be good at

    • She's inexperienced at nightlife, and holds it in disdain. This is the girl who's only in the bar because her friend dragged her along. If you're a regular, you might as well have just announced that you and she are total opposites: while she looks down on nightlife and regular nightlife patrons, you yourself are a regular nightlife patron. Major value hit

    • She's experienced with nightlife. In this case, you being a regular is something that communicates you're on the same level as she is – you're not a newbie or a passerby. You're relatable. That normally lends you value... although it depends on the situation (more on this below)

  2. Newness to the Venue: three (3) potential scenarios here as well:

    • She's new to the venue, and doesn't like it. If you're a regular in a venue she dislikes, it's pretty obvious that you have bad taste in venues and probably everything else, too. Automatic relatability fail here, as you get associated with whatever it is about the venue she finds distasteful – if it's a sleazy dive bar for instance, you're a sleazy dive bar regular. Ick. Or if it's a pretentious nightclub, you're a pretentious nightclub regular. No thanks

    • She's new to the venue, and likes it. Your value is sky high; here's someone holding all the keys to the venue, who's friends with the staff, and knows this place like the back of his hand. You're worth getting to know at the very least

    • She's a longtime regular herself. Oh... how come you haven't met before?? Well, this is fun – the two of you obviously have similar tastes. The BIG question here is how this interacts with what she's looking for and what stage of her life she's in... we'll go a lot deeper into this a little later on in article

  3. Age and Objective: three (3) potential scenarios here:

    • She's young and looking for fun. You're pretty likely to get a value boost by being a regular here, much of the time. Clearly you like to party, and especially if she likes this venue, you may well be a prime candidate for that

    • She's older and looking for fun. This one's the same as the last; no difference, actually

    • She's older and looking for something serious. Major value hit for you here; she's looking for a serious boyfriend, and you're a nightlife regular? She immediately knows that what you're looking for and what she is are almost certainly not in alignment

What about younger and looking for something serious, you might ask? Younger women who want something serious don't go to bars. They meet men through their social circles, at work, etc.

Why do older women who want something serious go to bars, then? Either because:

  1. They're “recovering party girls” who have spent years meeting men in bars and nightclubs and parties, so that is where they go to hunt for men even when what they now want is commitment, or

  2. They've waited too long to snap someone up, and now all the men in their social circles are married off and they aren't having any luck going other places to meet men. So they turn to the nightlife scene and cross their fingers

If that seems like something of a double standard – she's a party girl (or “former” party girl) and a nightlife regular, and now she's penalizing YOU for being a nightlife regular, tough cookies. She's looking for what she's looking for, and if you throw off signals that imply you aren't what she's looking for, she's going to want to abandon ship.


Why Are You a Regular?

Now, there's another value judgment that happens here too, and it's tied to how your being a regular is framed; are you a regular because you're a person of value, or are you a regular because this is just where you go to spend your money and engage in television-staring and idle chit-chat?

hooking up regulars

Especially if a woman is past her mid-20s, she's reaching a point where she expects high status men to be busy, ambitious, and accomplished, and someone who regularly hangs around shooting the breeze with his buddies in a bar, whiling away the hours, gives the exact opposite impression of that (whether he's actually already successful or not).

In this case, the bartender didn't do my friend any favors. He could have said:

  • “Will's practically the honorary owner of this place” or
  • “Will's a pillar of our community here – he's vital to us” or
  • “Every time Will stops by, I give him one on the house – it's my way of luring him back”

... anything to build up his value and make him sound like a high value man, really.

Instead, the bartender went with quite possibly the lowest value way he could have put it: “Oh yeah, he's here a lot.”

Ugh.

Didn't use his name. Didn't make him sound like he's there because he's wanted. Didn't do anything to imply he's a person to be respected and honored.

Just made him sound like an ordinary, average, low value guy who hangs out there. He's just a barfly.

No wonder she left with a bad taste in her mouth.

I've had a few bartenders slime me like this before (usually if they were angling for the girl I was talking with), and that usually spells the end of my time frequenting that venue, personally. A bartender has a position of authority in the bar, and he can BUILD YOU UP or TEAR YOU DOWN. And he knows it. There are a few oblivious bartenders out there who will fumble you up out of sheer butterfingers, but most guys who've been bartending for 6 or more months in relatively busy bars where various courtships go on get razor sharp social skills in a hurry.

I guarantee you this bartender probably knew exactly what the score was when the girl walked up. When a girl walks up and says, “Are you here like all the time?”, she's preparing to reject you if the answer isn't awesome.

She's winding up the pitch; all she needs is the right signal that her read is on the mark and not off base.

In this case, the bartender signaled her to throw.

I wouldn't go back... but that's just me. Unless you're best buddies with the owner, you have no control over who the bartenders are, and a man in a position of authority who's going to actively run cockblock game against you is just not a situation you're doing yourself any favors by repeatedly putting yourself back into. There are too many cool bartenders out there who will make you sound awesome for frequenting their bars and keeping them flush with tips instead to worry about hanging around someone petty who's going to throw monkey wrenches into the gears of your seductions.

There's one other consideration here, too – if the girl in question observed my friend chatting up other girls (as he had been doing), she'll come to the natural conclusion that these are his “hunting grounds” and he regularly comes here to look for women.

If she hasn't slept with him yet, this makes him look low value and kind of ineffective. So this guy comes out here, flirts with girls, collects a bunch of phone numbers, texts with them, and then... does it all again next weekend? He must have a low batting average.

This effectively functions as anti-preselection; rather than someone who's doing great with women, he keeps trying, but he's not getting anywhere fast. If she was curious about him before, this can lead her to reverse her decision in a heartbeat: “Oh. I guess he's not as sexy and powerful as I thought,” and at that point you're toast.


“Oh... I'm a Regular TOO...”

However, value judgments are just the half of it.

Even if you'd get a positive value judgment for being a regular – you can grant her social status and help her get into an environment she wants to get into – you may still have her opt out of dating you anyway due to this last reason.

And that's if she's a regular, too.

Why would that have any impact on things? Doesn't that mean you're probably reasonably compatible if you both like coming back to the same place again and again?

Yes... but...

Remember what we discussed way back in “The Secret to Hooking Up with Friends”? About how women sleep with men on the periphery of their social circles... NOT the guys who are close friends, frequent associates, or otherwise “fixtures” in their lives?

Guess what you are if you're a regular at the place where she's also a regular?

That's right... a FIXTURE...

And that means she's going to be running into you... a LOT...

And it also means that if you get to know her, and become emotionally invested in her for whatever reason, you now suddenly have the power to impact her social life in a potentially very negative way.

Let's say a girl and a guy are both regulars at the same bar. They meet, and decide to go on a date. The date's just okay, and she's not really feeling it, so she decides she doesn't want another date and just doesn't text back.

Oh! But there he is again at her regular bar the very next Saturday. And now he's walking up to her... awkward...

Him: Hey, Casey, did you get my texts? We should totally hang out again! You have to let me know when you're free.

Her: Oh – hey Gary! Yeah, sorry, I've been super slammed with work this week, I'm way behind on responding to texts. But totally – I'll text you!

And now he's watching her like a hawk all night.

hooking up regularsShe wants to talk to some other guys?

[text from Gary: So who was that guy you were just talking to?]

She accepts a drink from another guy?

[text from Gary: You know, if you're not interested, you can just tell me to my face]

She leaves with another guy?

[text from Gary: I didn't realize what a slut you were. I'm glad we didn't hook up]

Any wonder why a girl who's a regular doesn't want to have anything to do with a guy who's a regular?

If she's young and inexperienced, she may still go for it anyway. But once she's had an experience like this, she learns to avoid fellow male regulars at the venues she frequents like the PLAGUE.

Male regulars are the destroyers of venues for her. It only takes one of these guys to make a bar, club, lounge, or other nightlife venue completely un-frequent-able for her.

Doesn't matter if you're “cool”. Most guys are. Most guys will take it like a man and not turn into insulting, whiney, emotional, poor excuses of men – or get abusive or stalkerish.

Some men do. And these few bad apples spoil things for the whole bunch. Unless she's convinced that you are her next Mr. Right, she's not going to risk ruining a venue she likes for you, because she has no way of knowing whether you're a normal person or a bitter, vengeful victim who will seek recompense from her if he feels like he's been snubbed.

It's not worth losing a fun place that provides her as many new men as she wants to meet to take a chance with just one of those men, even if he seems pretty cool.

In this case, it's easy to feel offended, but she's just protecting her downside. The sooner she can bail once she's found out you're a regular at the same place she is, the better.


Strategy for Regulars

Of course, there's no need to swear off being a regular somewhere just because you're afraid of losing access to the female members of the bar who are regulars... OR the girls who are looking for something serious, or hold bars and clubs in disdain, or think poorly of you for being a regular when you should be too busy conquering the world to be sitting around in a pub pounding back pale ales and making small talk with pals several times a week.

In fact, I strongly recommend you become a regular at the places you find you a.) enjoy most and b.) most often get great results with women at. There's no reason not to milk a venue like this once you've found your niche – so long as it stays good, it will very often easily provide you a steady stream of new women who are just your type.

Instead, you just need to be a little more strategic, is all.

Here's what I recommend:

  1. Don't get pinned as a “regular”: being the guy with connections who's well-liked there? That's cool, especially if she's younger or new to the venue or new in town. Being a “regular”? This you do not want, because it sounds like you have lots of free time and waste it just hanging out (that means: you're not busy with ambitious projects... not busy juggling all the women who are chasing after you... and not really all that excellent or exceptional or enticing compared to the men who are; you're not among “the best”).

    If she asks if you “come here often”, just tell her you come here when you “need to take a breather from life” or something along those lines – it sounds mysterious, and makes it sound like you are busy with whatever ambitious projects (or women) you have going on. It's also better if she runs into you out alone; a man who frequents a bar by himself is a question mark to be figured out... a man who hits the bar with his pals is just another guy following the herd (it seems like).

  2. Separate your pick up spots from your hang out spots: building on that last, maybe you just like to head out and shoot the breeze with your buddies and kick back some beers. Nothing wrong with that. However, make sure that the places you predominantly do this at and the places where you really go hard on meeting women are different... otherwise, the restrictions can be like social circle x10. Because a bar where you and she are both regulars isn't just a social circle... it's a social circle where you both meet people to date, and often. She'll be even more on-edge about having anything happen with another opposite sex regular because of this.

  3. Don't revisit the same venue if you have pending girls from it: here's a rule I've long held: do not revisit the same venue again if you have a girl (or two) from it pending that you haven't slept with yet (and you still think you have a shot to). I'm religious about this. I assume that EVERY girl I meet at a bar or a nightclub is a regular there. No exceptions. Even if she says she never goes out.

    Why? What's so bad about running into her again at the same place? Maybe you can actually take her home next time, you say!

    Here's the problem: if you didn't pull her the first time you met her in a bar/club, you probably aren't going to pull her the second time around. Especially if she now knows you're a regular, and you now know that she is. But there are a few more reasons, too:

    • You're now obviously actively “hunting” – she might have imagined that your first meeting was just chance, but now it seems that you go out to get girls... which she probably assumes high value guys don't do. High value guys are just out and about and happen to fall into sex with women almost accidentally – at least, this is how women often assume it must be, how romance novels usually depict it being, and how the men who are most talented with women make it look like it is

    • It's now a party date – and the same reasons for why you should never, ever take a girl on one of these (unless you're the gambling sort or you just don't care about the girl very much and want to see what happens) apply every bit as much to meeting her out in the venue as they do to specifically meeting up with her there on a proper “date”

    • She might not respond the same way – partly because of the value hit you might take from being a regular, partly because you may just be off or different, or partly because she might be chatting up another guy (or even just finished publicly making out with one) and now it's just awkward and weird... and that won't be forgotten when you text her 3 days later trying to still set up that date you talked about the first time and acting like nothing happened

    • You will probably start chasing – it's almost impossible to avoid it; you feel like she's “yours”, after all the work you did to get her phone number and agreement to a date the first time around, and now she's distracted by all the bright lights and loud music and handsome men and you've got to re-interest her all over again. There goes her interest in you... not to mention, there goes the whole rest of your night

    • You will inspire her to MAKE you chase – women in bars and clubs love attention and validation; no two ways about it. So what happens when a girl runs into you again in a venue and she knows you like her but (because you haven't slept together yet) she's still holding the cards... instinct kicks in, and it's time for you to work for it. No smart woman is ever going to pass up the chance to make a man she isn't totally sold on yet (which she won't be about you, unless your game and fundamentals are absolutely ace, and even then sometimes not) compete against other men and see who emerges the victor... or if both look bad, and she's just dodged a bullet. How a man handles such a situation is a great indicator about his true mate value

    I lost girls I probably should've ended up with early on from not following this edict. And I've had a few girls that I've violated it with and still managed to take home at the end of the night, usually after demonstrating a Herculean amount of reserve and aptitude as I remained nonplussed while she flirted or made out with other guys, and simply chose my moments to advance things and pull. Those make for fun, triumphant memories... but I'd probably have had a much easier time of things just meeting up with them on a date instead.

Avoid getting pinned as a regular, avoid using your hangout spots as your pick up spots, and avoid frequenting venues you have girls “pending” from, and this will never be an issue for you.


If She Treats You Like a “Regular” Anyway

hooking up regularsHere's your fire extinguisher, in case you mucked it all up and now she's treating you like a regular she needs to avoid like the plague.

How would I respond to a text like the one my friend Will received? Like so:

Her: I'm not going to be able to meet you for our date, and I can't reschedule. Best of luck!

Me: Lolwut?

(if you read this article and it's 2017, “lolwut” will probably be played out, but just replace it with whatever trendy, short “haha, um, that makes absolutely no sense, are you bonkers?” phrase is in fashion)

And if she delivers a similar sentiment in person, your response is, “Umm... pardon?”

Essentially, she's suddenly flipping on her earlier position without warning or explanation, and doing it in a panicky, value-destroying way. She's doing it in a way that takes value from you, and if you respond like a normal guy:

  • Yield to the frame: “Okay, I understand...”
  • Rage against it: “Screw you, you dumb sack! You're ugly anyway!”

... all you do is confirm her decision to axe you.

But if you treat her like a creeper with low social IQ, it plunges a splinter of cognitive dissonance into her mind that she's all but forced to continue the discussion with you in order to resolve.

You just keep your responses very short, quizzical, and disbelieving, treating her like a retarded child babbling nonsense at you until she starts explaining herself. If that sounds incredibly dismissive, that's because it is; she's just done you an incredible insult, and you've got to make her feel the pain of violating social norms very strongly here and apply the right amount of social pressure to get her to get her treating you like an intelligent human being who deserves enough respect to talk plainly with.

At that point, by the time she is speaking more plainly with you, so long as you continue to act nonplussed and make her continue to explain herself, you'll be able to see her visibly become less and less certain in her decision that you are someone best avoided, and can sometimes effect a turnaround:

Her: I'm not going to be able to meet you for our date, and I can't reschedule. Best of luck!

You: Lolwut?

Her: Sorry, I'm just really busy.

You: ?

Her: I can't date right now.

You: Doesn't make sense

Her: What doesn't make sense about it?

You: I'll call you

At that point, you're in a dialogue. (You'd call her, talk to her in your sexiest voice, and then do your absolute DARNEDEST to a.) set her mind at ease, and b.) get her out IMMEDIATELY before she changes her mind back again... which she will, most assuredly, unless you see her in person and make something happen then and there)

It won't always go exactly like that, but by the time the house is burning down, that's your best shot at getting all your valuables out before the roof collapses.

However, the goal is not to end up in situations where you need to rescue your valuables from a burning house... it's to not let the house go on fire in the first place.

And to do THAT, all you must do is follow the rules of the regular:

  1. Don't get pinned as a “regular”

  2. Separate your pick up spots from your hang out spots

  3. Don't revisit the same venue if you have girls pending from it

Chase Amante

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Comments

Li's picture

<em>This</em> is a good article


There's a lot of good content on this site, and sometimes it feels like there isn't much left to be said. But this is a totally novel, detailed analysis of a phenomenon I wasn't even aware of. Thanks, Chase.

Anonymous's picture

Dave, are facial expression


Dave, are facial expression trainable?

Anonymous's picture

YES!


I'm not Dave but I'd like to think that I've done a pretty good job getting facial expressions down. I even had to pull back a bit because I had TOO much expression.

I've found the best references are videos and movies. You need to find your own personal role model.

My best examples are James Bond (Classic), Damon Salvatore (Bad ass current reference), and a mix of other TV and movie characters

Check these videos:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S39paDGZ0Ew

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMjgaKFgNMM

Yes it has stupid music. But its in slow motion. Which is so valuable because most facial expressions are too quick for most people to notice. And because Ian Somerhalder is a genius. He uses his eyes and eyebrows combined with his facial expressions to be badass yet hilarious at the same time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYufeLaIggU

This clip has been used before by Chase and it has the sexy artist vibe which is different from my style, but might suit yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsJSRP7cZVo

Don Draper is another one of my role models. He only says one word in this video. But he says it a different way every time. Great for picking up subtle facial expressions and how much communication is nonverbal.

Like I said, you have to pick your own role models. But checking these out is a good start to getting facial expressions down.

Hope this helps.

Anonymous's picture

You are the best Anon. The


You are the best Anon. The videos were really helpful!!!
I think Somerhalder is my favorite but I am not sure
I will be able to be as good as him when it comes to facial expressions.
Anyway, thanks the amazing help!

David Riley's picture

Cosign


This comment is loaded with valuable information, I learned a lot about facial features from watching greats actors and performers. Once you get it down you will have overcome a great hurdle in your seduction path.

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

Chase/Dave, I want to get out


Chase/Dave,
I want to get out and kiss some girls. No big
deal, just kissing so it becomes natural to me.
How would you advise me to approach and kiss??
I just a bit scared of bad consequences .
For the approach, should I just come, say : "Hi" then kiss?
I saw a few videos on youtube where guys go out kissing random strangers
but I do think they are fake.
And is it essential t have good looks to do this or solid fundamentals
would be great?

David Riley's picture

Set Up


Hey Anon,

It's very possible to do something like that but the girl would have to be into you feel your sexual energy. It's more of an advance move when you really start figuring what girls are into you. You can begin to kiss girls when you begin to isolate them during a one on one conversation with them. From there you want to build up the build a sexual frame and fill it with sexual tension. You'll notice the conversation dying down and then you'll want to make a move to kiss her. Bring her in close and kiss her.

Also, check out this amazing article.
Hot to Kiss girls in Public

Take care,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

Guilty when happy


How I could deal with feeling that it is not a shame to feel happy.
I usually see people whining and struggling in their mediocrity but I don't wanna follow this path, I know that feeling happy is completely ok, but for me it always has a shadow of 'you feel so good that there must be something wrong with it of if you'. I know logically how silly it is, but I didn't find my way to cure those strange emotions. How could I? Or is it me secretly being in love with mediocrity stuff... I feel urge to combat this issue, just don't know HOW.

banana's picture

Same here


Yeah, I would like to know to it too. How to get of feeling of being responsible for the worlds problems and start enjoying myself with no feeling of guilt. For me hapiness is always accompanied with stuff like I should not be feeling so good and who I am to be having sex with those beautiful chicks when there are so many male friends struggling and don't want to improve themselves no matter how I propose it to them, and I feel like I should help them, but I cannot. On the other hand, I know I don't have to fix lives for those who don't want it, and even for those who want it, cause its my life and I should be able to enjoy myself without any guilt... I know it is complete crap to be guilty when enjoying, but still it feels this way and emotions of enjoying go together packed with feeling unworth it or guilty for it. How the hell one ever gets happy without feeling guilty for it in front of ANYONE?... I consider life not worth living at all if all you have to do is struggle one way or another without opportunity to enjoy outcomes, and maybe not only outcomes but the process too. What we are getting wrong. Article on this could save my life and happiness of it, I suppose :)

David Riley's picture

Article Links


Hey Guys,

Check out these article links.

Being Happy
#5 Happiness
Brain Hacks

I'll let chase in the other authors know about you guys request. Take a look at these articles in the meantime though.

Just Dave

Chase Amante's picture

Ashamed of Being Happy / Obligation to Rescue Others

Author

Hey fellas,

I haven't personally experienced the "shame of happiness" or "guilt of success" or things along those lines; for me it's always been a sense that achievement and happiness is simply something you get if you earn it. If you earn it it's yours; if you don't earn it it won't be yours. I'd suppose that you're experiencing this either due to being surrounded by too many victim mentality sufferers who drag you down and make you feel bad about success, or perhaps it's an early childhood issue like this.

Feeling like you need to rescue everybody is one I've gone through; that's superman syndrome and you need to learn to refocus your efforts on those who genuinely want to learn. The turning point for me was running a business where I realized I was devoting lots of time to the "losers" who were never going to take my advice anyway, and precious little time to the "winners" who were actively improving themselves and taking whatever advice they could get from me and implementing it immediately. I changed my tune after that.

Here's an easy way to treat it, but you must realize you can't put anyone on your back and carry him to success (usually you have to try and fail and realize that despite a Herculean amount of effort on your part, this other person is still no better off, first): once you're aware of that, adopt the philosophy of "everyone who needs help or guidance, I will assign one task to complete." The victim mentality people vanish fast because getting better isn't what they want; they want your pity. The only people who hang around are the ones who actually want to improve, and those are the only ones you can help - they're also the only ones who DESERVE your help (or are open to it). Tell the others to come back when they're ready and waste no more time on them.

Chase

TubyDuby's picture

Solved


Oh, my old friend shame of happiness. I solved it once with realizations that lead me to one tiny thing:
* Life is real and I do matter, at least for me.
* We are all selfish to some extent (building own Maslows)
* Society may want to tell me how to fit in it for me the way it desires, not the way I would like to. (people can lie and have their intentions) - as common held beliefs don't need to be true.

And when I had this shame I was a nice guy. Now I have become an awesome guy just because of one tiny thing.

What is it that tiny thing, that goldie?

Ultimate realization that world would be better place if we all had more selfish tendencies and would feel no shame for it. Because anyone can get better only when helping for themselves, not when chasing around those who just play 'I do not need it' and getting those not true feelings of making something worthy. In this case more people would take responsibility for their happiness and lead more active and interesting lives.
Because of this I had to choose:
* Be bitter and always don't give a damn about myself, cause 'no one sees my stuff, so I can have shit in my thoughts'
* Be happy and make more people growing around me just inspiring by example, not by long motivating shitty stories, which are just an excuse for some souls to feel temporary ok and than act like shits again.

Anonymous's picture

brilliant


the breakdown of social dynamics is brilliant.

Wolf's picture

Tinder


Hey dave, tinder is not working for ya brother here. I got 1 match out of like 30 in one day. I think it was a bot because she didn't even respond to me. I even liked black girls and they didn't get back to me. I had to quit after one day because I felt too thirsty!

I had three pics, one pic of me looking away from the cam, that girls have liked a lot when they seen it before, another pic looking away, and another pic I took showing my full body and my expensive fly clothing.

My clothes were preppy button ups, I had a sexy smile, all the good stuff. I know im attractive and can get girls ( I just got some tonight). So I don't know what's the problem?

What's wrong dave and what should I do to get some more matches as a black guy?

TThanks

David Riley's picture

Options


Hey Wolf,

You would be surprised how many matches girls get everyday on Tinder. You're going up against a legion thirsty men. Some women don't check their Tinder that often as a result. One day I would get a match and the next day I would have five matches. Sometimes I would match with girls I completely forgot about, You're not thirsty Wolf. Thirsty on Tinder would be following a girl who rejected you on Twitter or Instagram and trying to talk to her. That's thirsty, there's nothing wrong with finding a girl cute and acting on it. Continuous rejection from girl and you still sucking up to her is chasing/simping/thirsty or whatever word describes that kind of behavior these days.

Tinder is also largely dependent on your area and city as well. If you're from a more conservative town you won't be pulling that many matches. If you're from a more diverse friendly town you'll be doing fine. Online dating sucks period for men because women have the upper hand. Now I will say this chances are if you match with a girl, she will most likely won't to meet up or/and fuck. You just have to stay on Tinder long enough to find them. Day and night play a huge factor too. I've matched with girls frequently who've been out drinking and thought I was cute. When you match with them message them right away. You may be able to make something happen and meet with them. Don't look at Tinder as your sole option. We as men have to go through different avenues to find women to sleep with. Tinder only is an extra tool to help meet girls you wouldn't ordinarily see.

Take care,

Just Dave

RJ's picture

Thoughts and requests...


Hi Chase

Articles going up have been great this year, and better year on year.

Could we see an article on 'being busy'
I've noticed a lot of mention in articles on the import ace of being busy as high value men are, though if you don't have plans, instead of attending the same nightspots, how can one 'be busy'…are you at home reading, exercising, computing.
I'd like to know how to mentally and physically be more busy, for good cause as 'high value' men are.

Possibility of an in-depth article on mysterious…I know a lot was covered in byronic traits, and the 'cool' article, and at present i currently work in an office (i'm 25) and i'd like to be mysterious, but without being the 'strange private' gu, is there a way to say things, but leave a lot to question though it being clear all at the same time? be incredible if you can!

And last but not least
Could we get a 'lifestyle' article from you? By that, i mean, a years back you had one on great books to read like guns,germs steel etc. Any other books that you are currently reading…or on your too read list, or any websites that you have read a good article or two online of, or how you work when browsing the web, do you look for specific articles to get a point, or get a point then look for articles on it? It would be great to find out more :-)

Regards
RJ

David Riley's picture

Noted!


Hey RJ,

I will let Chase and the other authors know about your request.

Take care,

Just Dave

blogster's picture

dealing with this in 'regular' parts of your life


how do you think you should adapt this to other parts of your life which are more 'regular'? you want to be the regular committed guy at the gym, you take the same route to work, you have a social circle(s), work in the same building and go to lunch/coffee in the same areas during the work week, so it gets a bit trickier!

David Riley's picture

Article Links


Hey Blogster,

Here's some articles that should help you.

Gym Pickup
Dating at Work

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

Chase and Dave, hi! I was


Chase and Dave, hi!
I was wondering how much the beauty of the face ( eyes and lips)
is essential for looking sexy.
I have an ugly face, can't do anything about it . Is it really
necessary to have a pretty face? Help please.

Anonymous's picture

re:Is it really necessary to have a pretty face?


Hey, Chase pretty much answers this in: 'How Much Do Looks Matter for Romantic Success?', but the short and long of it is looks definitely are important, but looks aren't everything, and looks are based on more than basic facial beauty. You can become more attractive looking by upgrading your style (clothes/fashion sense, facial hair, haircut).
I've linked the articles below that you might want to read about physical looks.

http://www.girlschase.com/content/how-much-do-looks-matter-romantic-success

http://www.girlschase.com/content/fashion-men-primer-looking-amazing

http://www.girlschase.com/content/facial-hair-styles-make-you-look-cool-...

That being said, there is more to being attractive and sexy. Most of it is covered or linked to in
http://www.girlschase.com/content/how-be-sexy-man.

Best wishes, anon

AusGuyInSoCal's picture

Cognitive dissonance inducing texts


Hey Guys,

Just wanted your thoughts on whether "lolwut?" and similar cognitive dissonance inducing texts could be utilized in other value-reducing contexts - for example flaking or break-ups.

For context: while I'm well-and-truly over it now, earlier in the year I was briefly seeing what I thought at the time to be a great girl (attractive, amazing figure with a masters degree and great chat).

Out of nowhere (and in complete contradiction to everything she'd said (and did) to me a week earlier) there was apparently now a guy she'd been "speaking to" with whom she had since "gotten pretty serious" (evidently more serious than what went down in my pool's shallow end earlier that week!).

I wrote this off as just another fickle SoCal girl with a neutral "best of luck" text message, got back on the horse and have been going from strength-to-strength ever since armed with the lessons learned.

With that being said, I live in SoCal so this kind of behaviour is bound to come my way again. My current tactic is silence and it works probably 25% of the time (they figure out their situation and text back in a month or so). But what about inducing some extra cognitive dissonance into the decision to end things? Or am I just being bitter?

One final piece of context: I'm not referring to break-ups of long-term relationships here. I'm referring to short-term relationships where you're clearly the sexy man that's being replaced by boyfriend material (which as a foreigner living in the US is often my domain - American girls love us but don't take us home to Mum & Dad).

Cheers

AusGuyInSoCal

David Riley's picture

Locations


Hey Aus,

Sometimes a girl will choose another guy over you just because out of convenience for herself. Sometimes we live to far or we don't fit into the schedule like she feels we should. Other times we possibly didn't give her quite the emotions she wanted to feel. It's a toss up and women change their minds quite frequently. I would say "lolwut" would actually be a good response if you're looking for a more straight forward answer. If you're not so serious about some girls, you can just let them fade out. When a girl feels you won't commit to her, she'll go find someone else.

David Riley's picture

Locations


Hey Aus,

Sometimes a girl will choose another guy over you just because out of convenience for herself. Sometimes we live to far or we don't fit into the schedule like she feels we should. Other times we possibly didn't give her quite the emotions she wanted to feel. It's a toss up and women change their minds quite frequently. I would say "lolwut" would actually be a good response if you're looking for a more straight forward answer. If you're not so serious about some girls, you can just let them fade out. When a girl feels you won't commit to her, she'll go find someone else.

Chase Amante's picture

Dissonance

Author

Aus Guy-

Dissonance is fun to play with, and it's definitely a more advanced tactic. I have a few more bits about it on the discussion boards here:

Doing it when a girl's told you she's found someone else I don't have a good solution for. Usually I just write those off as I completely messed up on the date and/or moved too slowly, and shoot her a message like, "Cool!" and drop it.

If you think you know what went wrong though, I don't see any reason why you couldn't write something back like, "Well, that was fast!" and then text her a minute later and say, "Hold on, I'm calling you," and then call her. You'd want to kick off the call basically laughing and thinking it's hilarious, and tease her a little bit about it, because her major concern is that you're some clingy guy who's going to be freaking out that she's picked someone else over him.

If you're sufficiently "This is hilaious" about it, you can sometimes cause a girl to start doubting her decision to pick someone else over you (especially if he's a pretty regular guy, which most guys are, and here's you, this big, attractive question mark who isn't responding remotely like how men usually do).

Chase

340Breeze's picture

Getting ungettable girls


Unrelated topic, but I needed to post somewhere:

Some girls are very sexually open but present "token" resistance by "pretending" to be pure until a man comes, makes her feel appreciated/liked (hopefully because he does like who she IS as a person) and then says the magic keywords (which basically are along the lines of "i know women are sexual, I like it, and you can be that way around me.") This is standard frame control not too difficult once you understand the dynamics behind her resistance.

But there are harder nuts to crack which include (but are not limited to) women who are bitter/fearful/religious of opening their hearts or becoming intimate with a man too soon. They truly do have significant reservations about men in general (maybe after being burned one too many times). These women want men to prove themselves, move slow, and be traditional. They say things along the lines of "I want to be platonic friends first", "I don't want to move too fast", and so on. In other words they don't want to let their emotions get in the way of the mate assessment engine. They come off as being "logical" and "practical" and not getting all tied up in emotion; they know where that got them before. How to deal with these women?

And to add another twist to the situation is the mentalities that some of these girls have. You guys don't write about it alot on girlschase, you guys are POSITIVITY GURUS, but they exist nonetheless. Some ambitious women (i.e. black ones) seem to think that because they're ambitious/professional that they're somehow better than most other minority women out there that aren't professionals. As a result, many of these girls price their pussies into the stratosphere meaning they make men wait for the pussy (especially those that have been burned before) and they seem to think that they're somehow "better" than other girls (white, asian hispanic) who move faster (aka easy sluts) or are more submissive in comparison. Which is rubbish.

But yet I see so many professional black men avoiding black women like the plague. Instead these guys have white, asian, mixed, or even hispanic girls on their arms, and what happens sometimes is some black women scowl at the non-black women on these guys arms. Alot of these girls have attitudes that inspire ambitious/in-demand men to head for the exits, but yet they don't want to change their behaviors (until they get older and have stayed single for a long, long time). All aren't bad, but what seems to be happening is a rotten few spoils it for the entire bunch...

Any thoughts on the matter? Maybe someone should create a boyschase website for some of these girls, lol.

One strategy is to leave simply leave these women (who value their vaginas/hearts EXTREMELY highly to the point where the resulting attitude is standoffish and mildly annoying). But maybe there is another verbal strategy to break their frame... but with so many options around I haven't tried all that hard, I just NEXT. But I'm sure where there's a will there's a way. If you guys have any thoughts, I'd love to hear them.

Cheers,

340Breeze.

David Riley's picture

Article Links - Black Culture


Hey Breeze,

First I want to share some articles for you.

Religious Girls
Professional Girls

Second let's take a look at black culture. As a black man myself, I can tell you that black women aren't like other minority groups. They feel as though they don't "need a man". Because of government assistance in the forms of alimony and child support, feminism, and broken homes black women aren't sure how to be feminine. They lash out at their partners and try to control them. A good number of them are extremely vulgar and confrontational as well. On top of that majority of are ridiculously big and overweight. Black men are extremely turned off and repulsed sometimes at black women. A guy by the name of Roosh V wrote an intersting article about why black men are dating more outside their race.

Black men who date white women

Now a lot of black guys who are professional like myself, would love to date black women but, there are so few options. I didn't even bring up that a lot of black women have kids already either. I don't want a woman who's been used up already. Black women also have extremely high expectations. This is why a lot of blacks go find girls who are more down to earth. Black women have to realize that they're the ones chasing black men away. Anyway just my thoughts on the matter.

Take care,

Just Dave

Chase Amante's picture

Frame Control

Author

Breeze-

The big one to keep in mind here is frame control. I can tell you that when I used to meet these women years ago, they could shake me, and we'd leave in a draw, both of us awkward, me because I wasn't able to make them quake in their boots around me and them because they weren't able to do so with me.

These days, even with very dominating women, I find that they submit quite easily around me, because I have much stronger frame control. That is, she might walk around thinking she's the Queen of Awesome most of the time, and most guys bend to her frame and chase her around. And then she meets me and I just treat her like a cute, sexy little girl and she turns into a kitten.

Much of this is just experience. Once you're very experienced, if you run into a woman who starts treating you like she thinks she's the Queen and you're one of her subjects, you'l have enough tools in your nonverbal arsenal now by then that you'll be able to throw a bored look or a skeptical look her way, then turn on the sexual tension and have her just melt.

Frame control's one of (the?) hardest things to teach out there, and you pretty much only get it through reams of field experience with a focus in the back of your head on "I must always dominate the frame." You lose a lot, but take away lessons from each one: "Why did that girl still treat me like an underling?" or "Why did she still think that I would be someone to submit to her view of the universe?"

Fact is, everyone's looking at the world from a slightly (or very) different angle, and when two people meet the one with the stronger belief in his angle is the one who forces the other person to look back through it. You want that to be you imposing your reality on others, rather than being the one having realities imposed upon him.

I'd suggest these articles to start, but there's tons in general on the site that teaches the right mentalities (and tactics) for proper frame control:

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Respect


Hey dave, I've been thinking about respect like crazy and want to get it. I'm mostly talking about in the hood, I want people to respect and fear me. I always regret not trying this before when I was younger and it kills me to this day.

I've always been known as a chill dude, ive had many altercations in my life, I came out on top with Wins in most of them. I had a couple of losses I can't erase from my brain. I want to get revenge on those who did me wrong.

My two question's are:
1. I have this cool guy persona and have been known as that my whole life, I want to change that to a guy that is feared, respected, and nothing to fuck with. I don't want to join a gang or anything, I just want to know how do I change me old persona in the hood.

2. How do I get revenge on those who did me wrong in the hood?

Thank you dave

David Riley's picture

Link


Hey Anon,

Check out Chase's response here

Revenge Comment

Just Dave

Lucid's picture

Difficulties with a cute girl at work


EDIT: I asked her out and got her number. Feel free to delete this message to make space for others

Lenny110's picture

Too high value?


Love the article. One thing though... say you have a young girl who is getting into the club/nightlife scene and sees you as an old hand in the game and someone with status in the nightclub realm. Does being in this position make you too valuable of an asset for her to have sex with?
You've mentioned in other articles why guys who get girls into clubs and that sort of thing don't usually bed the girls because the girls value the guy too highly for access to clubs.
How does one achieve the correct balance in this situation? To be the experienced guy who can help the girl move up the social ladder without seeming to valuable to have sex with?
Thanks,
Lenny

David Riley's picture

Downplay it


Hey Lenny,

Girl: You seem like you know a lot of people.
Me: You think so?
Girl: Well, yeah people have been saying hi to you all night.
Me: They're just being polite
Girl: Haha whatever
Me: Believe what you want, so you were telling me about . . .*lead into next conversation*

When you bring down your value instead of declaring "Yes! I'm awesome!" It helps you out tremendously in the long run. It keeps their expectations from getting to high and you from getting sucked and dried.

Just Dave

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