The Party Date: Don't Do It

Just had a chat with a friend about this today. He was doing party dates a lot with girls and getting frustrated that the night never quite ended the way he hoped it would.

The basic idea behind a party date is you’ve met a girl, talked to her on the phone a few times, traded text messages back and forth, and now you’re ready to invite her on a date. So you sit there, wracking your brain… what’d be a fun thing to do? Hmm, well… then, you think of it: the party date! Your friends are having a party this weekend – you should invite this new girl to join you!

After all, a party’d be a great idea, right? Your date can see you with your friends, which will reassure her you’re a sociable guy and people like you, and you can hang out with her in a high-energy environment, and it is after all an excuse to do some drinking, yeah? Maybe she’ll even see you flirting with another girl, and she’ll want you for sure after that.

Well, we already covered the major dos of dating in “Date Templates” and “Simplify Your Dates,” so this piece is going to focus instead on one of the major don’ts. Because, as great as it may seem, inviting your date to a party is one of the worst date ideas you can have the misfortune of falling prey to, and most assuredly something you don’t want to do.

Why Party Dates are a Bad Idea

I’m staying with an ex-girlfriend of mine here in Southern California, and she was telling me yesterday about the dating escapades of some of her friends, Sex and the City style. I’m always interested to hear this stuff from her, as I’m constantly looking to expand my understanding of how different types of people handle their dating lives and she has no end to gossips she wants to share with me and get my interpretation on. Well, as we were discussing this, one of the comments I made to her about one series of dates she told me about was that the guy clearly had no process. Most guys, I said, simply go on dates hoping that somehow everything is going to work out, without much of an idea as to how it’s going to work out.

Which brings us to this topic. I feel like most guys who are taking their dates to parties fall into this category as well. For the most part, they don’t have a whole lot of direction, and they’re just fishing around to see what they can get and hoping everything is somehow going to work out if they get the girl to go out with them and keep her having fun and entertained.

Taking a girl on a date with no forethought, no plan of action, no direction to the date, though, is like marching into battle without first having drawn up a strategy. “Grab your swords and shields, men, and let’s get out there and hope for the best.” How long do you think a commander for whom this is his entire approach to battle planning is going to last?

You must be a tactician in your dating life. This is one of those things that regular guys don’t understand but you must. The close rates between men who spend just a little time planning out their dates, and men who don’t spend any time on it at all, tend to be rather dramatically different. The guy who knows what he’s doing closes; the guy who’s hoping things somehow come together does not.

Party dates, in my mind, are the ultimate danger dates. I’m sure there are exceptions out there, but many guys taking girls to parties figure they’ll just invite the girl along and hopefully something will happen. That’s just poor planning though and it introduces a whole host of risks you’d do better to avoid. Here are some of the things that can go wrong:

  • Your date is ready to party, not to get to know you or get intimate with you. She’s going to be dressed up and ready to mingle, make small talk, and bounce around and dance and have fun. If she’s really looking to get together with you, she might still cling to you and spend all her time on you – but if she’s that ready, why on Earth are you taking her to a party instead of to somewhere the two of you can be alone together? And the women who aren’t as into you probably aren’t going to show up to a party date thinking it’s anything that might lead to the two of you ending up together at that time.
  • Your date thinks you’re just being a fun, social guy and stops looking at you as a potential romantic partner. Especially with guys who are just starting out with this stuff, since they aren’t communicating their interest, women who don’t know what the guy’s intentions are may well assume he’s simply being a friendly, sociable guy when he invites them to a party. Once they start seeing a guy as friendly, fun, and sociable, he’s lost most of his sexual edge and the chances of him getting together with the girl rapidly decay.
  • Your date comes to value you too highly for your worth as a social liaison. This is something I’ve been meaning to write a separate post on, and we discussed somewhat when we talked about overproviding good feelings, but when you start taking her to parties and introducing her to cool people a girl may come to value you too highly as a resource for her social life to risk messing things up by introducing dating and romance. She looks at you and says, “Yeah, I like him, but he has access to so many cool parties and so many cool friends, I can’t risk losing that access by messing it up with dating or sex!” So she starts friend zoning you not because of any lack of value on your part, but because of an overabundance of it.
  • Your date runs into friends at the party or brings some along. Once you start adding other people into the mix, the odds that your date feels like she has to maintain appearances increase. The two of you alone might get up to some mischief, but when her friends are keeping an eye on her, the chances that she behaves more conservatively are markedly higher – which means the chances that something happens between the two of you drops. Friends also mean that rather than the two of you getting to know each other and things progressing forward, your date gets distracted and doesn’t pay as much attention to you – even to the extent of possibly ignoring you.

    I’ll share a quick anecdote. About two years ago, I started thinking I was so good that I was beyond this rule, so I said “yes” when a girl I felt was in the bag invited me to join her at a club with her friends. I’d made out with her the night I’d met her, nearly taken her home, and had one date already where she clearly was very into me and I should’ve taken her home there too. No matter, she still seemed to like me a lot, I thought, so it’ll be fine – I just need to keep seeing her and things’ll work out. So, I went to the nightclub with her, and sure enough, she spent the entire night engrossed in conversation with her friends, and every time I’d go up to her she’d quickly get yanked off in another direction. I spent a few hours trying to occupy myself by talking to her friends and meeting other people, but eventually I had to ask her to drive me home because I couldn’t take anymore of her dodginess. By that point it had gotten so awkward with this girl who was until that night crazy about me that she invited her girlfriend along for the ride and I had to sit in the backseat of the car. I was pretty pissed at her leaving me effectively on my own in a club full of strangers after inviting me out as her guest, and I never tried to get in touch with her again, and neither did she try to get in touch with me.

    Had I seen that girl one-on-one again instead of going to a club full of her friends, we probably would’ve gotten together. Instead, I went against my training and tried something I knew was probably a bad idea, and ruined it for me with a girl who was before that night a sure-thing.
  • Another man intervenes in your date. Maybe this means he steals your girl away from you and you have to watch her go home with some other guy; this happened to me when I first started going out hard in 2006, and it was a killer. Maybe it means he starts causing problems for you or trying to mess you up because he’s competing for your girl, and he makes you look bad and she loses interest in you, or he throws you off balance and kills the vibe of the night. Either way, taking a date to a party, or bar, or nightclub where there are a bunch of drunken, sexually frustrated men floating around is an invitation for male intervention in your date.
  • Your date gets drunk. Wait, that’s a good thing, right? Well, not really. A lot of guys use alcohol as a crutch to get girls in bed, but in my experience the girls that will sleep with you when they’re drunk will sleep with you when they’re sober if you move things forward properly, so the benefits are largely imagined. But the dangers – the chance she gets erratic when drunk and starts crying or getting angry or making out with other men or running off and hooking up with one of them, or that she drinks too much and throws up or passes out, or that her friends notice her getting drunk and decide she’s in no condition to be making decisions about intimacy with anyone and that they need to protect her from men, including you – those dangers are quite real.
  • Your date gets tired. Part of the reason I recommend moving so quickly on dates these days is that many women only have a certain amount of time they can spend out with you before becoming fatigued and wanting to go home. Taking a girl to a party risks spending too much time dancing and talking and drinking, and her getting exhausted by the end of the night and just wanting to go home and sleep.

The long and short of it is basically that when you take your date to a party, or a nightclub, or any other similar type of place, you’re introducing a huge number of new variables that are outside your control and can mess everything up for you. That’s why I say party dates are a bad idea and you shouldn’t do them.

Alternatives to the Party Date

What can you do instead? Well, again, if you haven’t checked out “Date Templates” and “Simplify Your Dates,” definitely do so, as those are my roadmaps to dating at the moment.

A brief recap of my current dating process: have the girl meet me somewhere (often the subway station near my house), take her to a little café or a chill bar that serves food (note: nothing fancy – I want things to move fast, not be formal and proper), sit and eat and drink and talk for one or two hours, then invite her home. If you’re deep diving with these girls, that’s really all you need to be doing to get them coming with you.

Whatever you do do though, keep it simple and straightforward and don’t do something that adds tons of variables. Stay away from anything variable-introducing, like parties or nightclubs or group activities. The more moving parts there are, the more things you’re going to have to control for, and the more difficult it’s going to be to get things going your way and the more you’ll be depending on luck over skill. Eliminate variables, and you eliminate the need for too much luck – and allow yourself to move your date forward based on you and your own skills and abilities, rather than the luck of the draw.

So don’t do the party date – keep things simple!

Chase Amante

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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Marin's picture

You're right on target.
Plan, lead, and conquer.
I tell several of my buds to keep away from the party dates.
One chick said to A-man,"I just hung out with you so I could sleep with your friend (me)."
He wasn't to thrilled, but that's what happens when you bring a chick to a party date without establishing hardcore rapport/lay.

awesome post!

Chase Amante's picture

Thanks for the kind words, Marin. Unfortunate for your friend, though quite a nice compliment for you ;) As you tell your friends, party dates are dangerous -- best avoided!


Alex's picture

Hey Chase,

Another really good post with great insights. Still going through your archives, was reading about persitence and inviting her home.

I didn't pay too much attention to that (persistence) consciously, but after reading your post I was able to reckognize it's power in action that has taken place this week. To make the long story short, assertive, honest and non needy persistence made wonders for me.

As for inviting her home, I would really love to see a post about transitioning to getting physically when she's at my place. Do you kino a lot before you invite her home or leave it like kissing for the right/better moment when two of you are all alone? Do you do more comfort stuff to make her feel connected and comfortable and then maybe some talking about sex topics to make her a little horny, how do you move closer to her both physically and mentally to have sex with her? How do you proceed and from your experience how much kino is needed before trying to sleep with her? Is it even required? On the other side, if there's no kino compliance before such as careessing, initimate hand holding (you know who puts much emphasis on it), but no problem with for example putting your hand on her lower back when shopping, should I be concerned about it?

How do you overally proceed with kino during the whole process of seduction? Haven't seen a post about it yet, maybe it's ahead of me, still have a lot of your posts to go through.

Many questions and I think there could be many more, post about touching and leading to sex when there is only me and a woman would be really helpful.

Thanks again for writing this blog and helping us!

Chase Amante's picture

Alex, good to see you again, man. Muy excellente to hear about the success you've had with persisting and inviting girls home. Amazing how much a difference it makes, no?

You're right, I don't think I have much up on how to get physical. I do have the post on manhandle kisses, which can be important, but isn't even always a necessity and regardless is only a part of escalation. I'll look to get a post on that up in the next couple of days.

If you have any additional questions on that besides what you posted here, you can add them to this thread if you see it in time and I'll try and hit them all when I write up the post.


Alex's picture

Thanks Chase. I have many questions, but want to find healthy balance.

The other really important thing for me is real examples of your voice recorded, don't know if it is a problem for you, but it will be really great if you provide some of your recording as mp3 download or something. I'm working on my voice, but as for now it is mainly speaking from diaphragm and trying to speak clearly and slow down as I used to speak fast like a machine gun. Besides that I think I need to be more expressive when speaking. I recently started, and making some recordings along the way. Examples therefore would be great to see what one should be aiming for.

As for kissing, I'm going to make some moves on Wednesday when I see her.

Keep doing a great job!

Chase Amante's picture

Alex, hey. Just put up the post on physical escalation; should address what you'd asked about in your first comment on this post.

Regarding voice tone, let me see about getting something up. Could probably put some audio up here -- guess there is kind of a dearth on information on that out there. I'll see what I can do!


Pharaoh's picture

Never take a chick (someone that you truly like) to a party date unless you've already conquered the jungle -

As for a person like myself, party dates are the best because, that will determine if she can handle being around beautiful people tipsy without flirting or acting-out with and or towards anyone/celebraties.

Imagine yourself getting married to her and never really had party dates until the 3 month into your marriage you find out that she likes muscular handsome black guys (spec. white girls), making out with another girl, heck even taking a piss on a pavement - You know, it's fine to fantasize about surfer type white guys (asian chics) but Those are surprises you try to avoid my friend.

I make the decision as to who to be with NOT the female.
There's at least 6 females for every 1 guy so, the options are there, specially when you live in a city like NYC.

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Pharaoh,

For sure -- seeing how a girl behaves in a high stimulus environment can be eye-opening.

I came up in nightclubs, and after a while you get a pretty good feel for what girls of different personality types are going to be like in a club or party. The girls who are stimulus junkies by day tend to be over the top by night; and the ones who are quiet and subdued by day are (usually) the same by night.

Then again, there are always the ones that surprise you...


Anonymous's picture

Crap..I've been on about 3 dates with this one girl that I really want to pursue a relationship with..I had talked with her online / texted before meeting her..basically on the 3rd date we went to my house after getting a few drinks at a bar and ended up making out a little on the floor. I had also sent her flowers the day before just because I'm like that and she was really into it..she invited me to go to this huge party with her tonight for one of her friends birthdays (she has tons of guy friends apparently) and after reading this I'm second guessing myself..any suggestions?

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Anon,

Here's hoping everything worked out and it went okay.

It's a little tougher to avoid when it's, say, Date #4 and you haven't slept together. Ooh, that's kind of tough. On the one hand, she might feel really disappointed that you didn't come out and she didn't get to show you off to her friends, and she might end up with another guy just to ease her troubles and you end up getting written off.

On the other hand, if you go, there's a chance you end up standing around while she flirts with guy pals and guys she knows hit on her and she ends up losing respect for you that way too... or, even if you're super chill about it and she doesn't, it may still try your patience a great deal!

On the whole, I'd say work on speeding up your time-to-bed and get girls as lovers as fast as possible so you don't end up in "damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenarios (and they suck... I've been there).

But, if you're faced with this scenario where you're almost there and you think you can hold your own at the party, then go, be chill, and have your arm around her as much as possible -- then pull her off into a corner somewhere, then pull her off to another room or bathroom and do what she was hoping you'd do when the two of you were rolling around on the floor ;)

Cheers bro,

Anonymous's picture

Yea i get the jest that Party dates are a bad idea, but I see tons of people hook up at the parties, like they go off into some distance and make out etc etc. What's so bad about meeting girls at a party especially if you're the nomad that's kicking their alpha's ass? Sure you might get a little bit of a rap on the bum about it but in the end if you conquer that girl, your results show 2 things. 1 you're dominant and 2. the girl generally has something for you.... I can see the ups/downs of the party scene, but i dont think it should be shut down so easily and firmly too! good things happen at parties, and girls go to them looking good to meet guys imo

Chase Amante's picture

Howdy man,

Aye, yeah, now that's a different story!

Party dates I was recommending avoiding because they introduce way too many outside factors that are hard to control for that unnecessarily complicate a date and are easily avoided by just saying "no" and meeting up somewhere with the two of you alone.

Meeting girls AT parties, on the other hand...! Parties are like shooting fish in a barrel compared to a lot of other ways of meeting new girls.

I've got a post on hooking up with friends that talks about the general process behind this. But other than that, I'm in agreement, brother -- good things do happen at parties, especially if you're focused on making things happen that night.

Oh, and digging the "nomad" reference ;)


Anon denver col's picture

Sitin in denver trying to play it cool with this chick. I made it pretty clear what my intentions are and still am makin it clear. However she was saying she aint ready for datin. I say ok and we go out anyway.So we go out a 3 times each time becoming clearer that these outings are dates. Im over at her place randomly one day and its all good and its getting late so i got to go and i get a hug but i stumbled pretty bad i didnt just got for the kiss. Uggg i know but i couldnt leave without trying was getting close to end of the road and i ha to do something. So being cocky i ask if im gonna get a goodnight kiss... Shot down but i don make a big deal out of it and neither does she. In fact shes got a bigger smile then i did as she said "no, sorry" i made it so natural and easy that honestly i felt good after leaving. I know weird. So i text her the next night and i get texts back and they arnt bad. She gets back to me the followin day on the last text, it was late and night. So i text back and that whole following day ignore treatment in person and in text. Low and behold i check my email and ive been invited to a party from her and she has hinted at me stating over night if we ever go partyin. So idk Wtf right

To go or not to go? Tough one

Anonymous's picture

hey chase u seem like u got great knowledge could u help me out ive kinda put my self in a situation

Anonymous's picture

So where do you take party girls out to as a date

rrr's picture

I don't get mindset of "another man steals your date". Surely your date is a living, thinking person, who can make decisions for herself and not some mindless property that can be taken away from you if you don't cling hard enough to it?

So if a guy gets with your date, it's because your date wanted it. Consider it bullet dodged.

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