Simplify Your Dates

Just met with a client who is doing pretty well for himself – he slept with a few girls off a coaching session we had late last year, and is a likeable enough guy in his own right with plenty of women interested in him. During this evening’s session, we discussed a couple of different things, and one of the things we discussed was dating.

One of the things we touched on in dating was having “straightforward dates.” I mentioned how my dates these days typically entail a girl meeting me and going to a café or a bar with me, us having a little to eat and drink, then me inviting her home and us proceeding to get intimate together. My client said I made it sound easy, but he didn’t think it was. I told him I didn’t really want to do the whole shopping / visiting art galleries / doing crazy things, and neither did the girl; we both just wanted to talk a bit, then get together, so why not just do that? Keep things to straightforward dating, basically.

If you recall our article a few months back on date templates, you likely remember the informational, structured, and easy dates. These days though I’m mostly doing informational dates where I meet up with the girl and we grab some food and some tea and talk for an hour or two, and then I invite her home with me afterward and we get intimate then. I’m having a lot of success with this style of dating, and I want to go a little bit into why I think that is.

Informational Dates That Go Somewhere

In the first 16 days of 2011, I went on 5 first dates, and slept with girls on 4 of those first dates. The one I didn’t sleep with I perhaps could have, but she threw me off a bit in the beginning of the date and despite recovering later, I didn’t push for a close at the end of our lunch. I’d also just slept with a new girl the night before, and it’d been exhausting (see “Walk the Line”) and I didn’t have a whole lot of energy for a gal as challenging as the one that next day.

But 4 for 5 ain’t bad to start the year off. I’m satisfied with numbers like that. 5 for 5 would be better, but I’ll take what I’ve got.

How am I closing so consistently right now? I’m tying a lot of things together currently to make my dating very tight and have it happen as fast as possible. I’m also a very busy man right now, so I naturally don’t have a huge amount of time to waste, which adds to my need to close fast; each date takes a big chunk of time out of a crowded schedule for me, so I want to make it worth my while by spending as little time as possible to reach intimacy, so I can then do things with my time other than dally around on dates.

You know what’s funny though? I never had close rates anywhere near where my close rates are now back when I was taking girls on 2, 3, or 4 dates. Nowhere near. Not until I started pushing consistently for first date intimacy did I start sleeping with a majority of the girls I got out on dates.

There are two major factors why I’m having so much success with getting together with girls on the first date these days:

• I’ve gotten all the major things down I needed to get down to get girls primed for intimacy on Date 1, and

• I’ve begun asking girls regularly to come home with me on first dates.

Getting Girls Ready for Rapid Intimacy

I’ve long been a connection-based guy. Sure, I don’t always connect all that deeply with a girl before we get together – my first girl of the new year, and the last one I slept with in 2010, knew next to nothing about me before we became lovers – but when we have time to stop and talk, I get to know a girl very quickly and very thoroughly.

It’s the man’s responsibility to ensure that women around him feel comfortable, warm, and accepted. This is the only way they will open up. A woman will never open up to a man she feels is being aloof, doesn’t care what she’s saying, or is judging her. So if you’re too aloof, act disinterested, or make judgments (even if they’re mental – they still show up on your face), cut it out.

Once women around you feel warm, accepted, and comfortable enough to start talking about themselves intimately, it’s your job to get them doing so. That’s where deep diving comes in; you want to get a woman telling you the most important, personal things about herself, her dreams, and her feelings, that she normally doesn’t tell anyone else.

If you spend an hour talking about things like this with women on a date, and making them feel rewarded for telling you, they will quite often be ready then for intimacy. Between one and two hours is typically all you need. Take longer and you may miss the window and start to look less like a dashing rogue and more like a careful, tip-toeing friend or a boyfriend candidate.

Asking Girls to Come Home

There is a certain degree of temptation to get lax and say to oneself, “Well, it’s just the first date. We can take things easy on this one and not have sex and just wait until the second or third date.” I know that temptation, because I gave into it for years.

Guess what? Many of those girls you don’t sleep with on the first date you never end up seeing again. Others you might get out again later, but the vibe you had on the first date never materializes the second time around, and you leave wondering what happened.

Regardless, every time you see a girl without taking her as your lover, the likelihood that you do so the next time you see her goes down.

The most likely chance you have to get together with a girl is the day or night you meet her. The next most likely is on the first date. A distant third is on the second date, and the third date almost doesn’t even make the running. In the West, it’s common practice to wait until the third date, but the women men get on the third date are the exception, not the norm. I bet you if you take an average dater and force him to wait until the third date for intimacy every time, you’ll notice he loses most of the women he gets to go on first dates with him long before they would’ve made it to the end of Date 3.

Oh, and Mr. Average Dater’s close rate certainly won’t be 4 out of 5 while waiting for the third date.

I only recently started asking girls to come home with me on first dates. I never did it before… not sure why. Okay, yes I do; I was hesitant because I didn’t expect them to say yes. Recently I started noticing that girls seemed quite interested, signaled their interest, and I thought they might be ready. So I began routinely asking them home with me.

In the past two months, every single woman I have invited home with me has come with me.

It makes me pause for a moment and wonder: how many women have I lost by not making straightforward dates and inviting them home on Date 1? Quite a lot, I’d bet. You do so much work to set up that first date… it seems a shame to not finish it properly. Better to just invite women home. I have even had women get upset with me for not sleeping with them on Date 1. In retrospect on all those times I didn’t pull the trigger when I clearly should have, all I can wonder is, “What was I thinking?” Meh.

A few rules on the invite:

• Do it during a positive point. Just like asking for phone numbers, a lot of men wait until the very end of a date to ask women to come home (if they do it at all). They wait until things have died down and it’s clearly over, then make their move when the woman isn’t feeling it anymore. This is incorrect. Invite a woman home with you in the middle of the date – your place isn’t where the date ends, it’s just the next step of the date. And wait until she’s smiling, laughing, or clearly feeling very good and comfortable with you to invite her to go somewhere with you.

• Be nonchalant. You know how much I recommend being casual, chill, and natural about things. This is no different. Don’t make it a big deal; make it a natural one. “I don’t know if you have any other plans today, but if you still have time, let’s go watch a movie and have some tea,” I offer to my dates during the day. If it’s in the evening, I’ll say, “Not sure what time you have to get up tomorrow, but why don’t we go have a nightcap before calling it a night.” Very calm, very casual, and it usually gets a “yes.”

• Keep conversation up. After you’ve invited a woman home with you, keep the conversation flowing smoothly. This will reassure her that nothing’s changed and you’re still the same guy she liked throughout the date – and the same guy she wants to go home with.

Feels too forward for you to ask a woman home on the first date? I recommend trying straightforward dates like this anyway. Only by trying something you’ve never tried before can you know where your limits truly are. That’s how you get to 4 out of 5 girls slept with on the first date in a two week period, and that’s how you become a force to be reckoned with in just about anything.

Chase