Elegance, Sexiness, and Average, Normal People

elegance & sexinessI was sitting in a cafeteria having a quick bite to eat the other day when I saw an elegantly dressed young woman in a long but casual summer dress stroll in at the far side of the cafeteria, turn about slowly and elegantly as she assessed her surroundings – perhaps looking for someone, or perhaps just deciding if there was anywhere here she wanted something to eat from – before at last turning and walking back out the door she’d come through again, still with great elegance.

I’ve been thinking about elegance lately, and its cousin, sexiness. It occurs to me that taken together, these two qualities can largely describe every attractive person out there: he or she is either elegant, or sexy, or some mix of both.

It also occurs to me that almost no one out there really is all that elegant or sexy at all... neither the men nor the women, and it doesn’t matter where in the world you go to or what country you visit.

There are lessons here, for what you look for in a mate, what you allow yourself to feel entitled to enjoy, and how you construct yourself, and I think they’re all worth peeling back.

elegance & sexiness

If you watch old American films, you’ll notice that many of the actors simply move a lot more slowly, and this looks a lot more elegant. Watch modern movies though, and everyone is snapping his head around and constantly in a big hurry.

For a clear-cut example, compare early Disney movies like Snow White and Cinderella with more modern ones like The Little Mermaid or Beauty and the Beast. Look at how much more quickly characters turn their heads and move their arms and legs in the newer films vs. the older ones. The newer characters are moving at least twice as fast as the ones from generations gone by.

Movies nowadays want to cram in a lot more action, of course, but these changes reflect what we see among our peers out in the world, too. A large part of this I think is that most people simply don’t have time to be elegant anymore. Everyone’s in a big hurry, slave to the hands of the clock and the call of his smart phone, pings of his social network, and demands of a 24/7 home-to-office connectivity.

Sexiness is one that’s remained more constant through the generations – constantly at a low level of commonness, that is. Sexy people were rare before, and they’re still rare now.

Yet, elegance and sexiness are two of the most attractive traits anyone of either sex can possess.

So why don’t people work on developing these qualities in spades?

Most People are Working Class

As I discussed in “Was the 1950s Housewife a Historical Aberration?”, most people are and always have been “working class” – that is, a member of one of the classes that has to get up at a certain time and get to work or the bills don’t get paid and food doesn’t arrive on his table.

In the past, these were farmers, factory workers, small shop owners and merchants, bankers, and the like. Today, these professions all remain, and now include a lot of office worker-class working people as well – anyone working in an office, courtroom, hospital, service industry profession, etc. is in the grind... if he doesn’t make it to work, he doesn’t get paid, and if he doesn’t get paid, well, his resources without a steady stream of new income from his own labor won’t last so long.

And the fact is, most working class people:

  1. Have never been taught how to be sexy or elegant

  2. May not have time (or think they have time) to bother with this

  3. Come from subcultures where too much elegance / sexiness is mocked among its members (especially its male members)

If you feel rushed all the time, don’t really know how to be sexy or elegant, and have watched other people from working class group try to be sexy or elegant only to be mocked and lampooned by the rest of that working class group, you won’t just not care about being these things... you’ll actively avoid them.

For as much as everyone likes to say he or she is ‘unique’ (it’s the new ‘in’ thing these days... telling everyone how different, special, and unique you are), the fact is that the vast, vast majority of us really are conformists at heart.

elegance & sexiness

And even if you are something of a rebel, it’s all relative – you might rebel a little bit against your subculture, but when compared to someone from a completely different subculture, you’re very clearly a member of your group, and conform far more to it than perhaps you’d care to realize.

The Drive to Conform

The reason why upper class people train themselves to be elegant is because everyone else around them is elegant too, and they feel embarrassed to not be elegant.

It’s the polar opposite of what working class people do – try to behave elegantly among your fellow retail workers or cubicle-bound colleagues and they’ll criticize you for being prissy and pretentious to bring you back in line.

Sexiness is another conformist trait – it’s no coincidence that most of the clearly sexy people you will meet work in industries where they need to interact with or impress the opposite sex often – everything from pharmaceuticals sales reps and waitresses to strippers and actresses. Even among these professions though, there are more unsexy individuals than there are those who’ve successfully mastered the art of being sexy. Here though, being sexy is rewarded – both in terms of more career success, and more plaudits from one’s admiring peers, rather than the suspicion and discouragement like what you’ll encounter in the rest of the working class world for acting or being sexy.

The only way you can largely escape from the urge to conform is to cut yourself off from most social environments. That’s relatively easy to do if you live a “rootless” lifestyle where you travel from country to country and rely on pure cold approach pickup to meet your women from, rather than social circle, like most people... but the fact is that for 99.999% of the population that isn’t remotely practical, or even desirable.

If you’re like most people, you probably have a job, and that job probably requires you to be in a certain place, at a certain time, surrounded by certain people, and those people are almost all working class and non-sexual, unless you select one of those sex-infused professions where meeting and impressing women is part of the job description.

What that means is that no matter HOW bad you want to be sexy or elegant, you will always have an anchor pulling you back down to “Earth” (or the working class version of it, anyway)... unless and until you find other ways to combat the tendency and urge to conform with the vast majority of totally average, normal, inelegant, unsexy, and utterly unexciting people all around you.

elegance & sexiness

Short of launching your own successful business or freelance consulting career – or hitting the lottery – is there a way of busting out of the working class mindset and the urge to conform to its average, unsexy parameters?


I’m going to assume for the purposes of this article that you are rooted; that you have a certain job (or attend a certain school) in a certain place; and that you spend much more time around familiar people you see over and over again than you do meeting new strangers.

So let’s talk about how you fight the urge to NOT be sexy or elegant despite the pressures to conform by all the unsexy, inelegant people around you.

First Off: You Must BE Sexy/Elegant to GET Sexy/Elegant

Disclaimer before we dive in: you’ve got to be it to get it.

I see a lot of people online complaining about how women just aren’t feminine anymore, or men need to grow up and quit being oversized boys sitting around in t-shirts playing video games on the couch all day.

What I hear is, “I want a partner who is sexy and/or elegant.”

I’m almost certain that every single one of the people saying this are not terribly sexy or elegant themselves.

Know why I’m so certain of that? Because sexy and elegant people have other sexy and elegant people around them, socialize with sexy/elegant people a lot more, and end up together with mates who are sexy/elegant.

There are plenty of sexy and elegant women out there, but you probably won’t find them and almost definitely won’t end up with them if you are not sexy and elegant yourself, first.

So, if you ever find yourself pulling your hair and going, “WHERE are all the feminine women? They’re SO rare these days!” take a moment to put the magnifying glass back on yourself and ask the question of, “Am I either very sexy or very elegant?”

If the answer is “no”, then you know where all the sexy and elegant women are – they’re off with sexy, elegant men, and waiting for you to catch up.

You know what you need to do.

Becoming Sexy/Elegant: Conformism

The biggest monkey on your back when trying to learn anything new is to break free of conformist urges, which everyone has and which are so deep and so subconscious that you will bend to whatever forces you have in your life pushing you to kowtow to their way of seeing things.

If you’re living a rooted life with a job or school where you’re always around a lot of the same people, the best things you can do to counter these urges are:

  • Do lots of cold approach: meeting loads of new strangers multiple times a week keeps you honest and prevents your brain from getting stuck on thinking that the way things are at school or work is the “way of the world” and that these people are the be-all and end-all of what you must conform to

elegance & sexiness

  • Socialize with extremely different groups: when I was a business consultant for a big-name firm, my friends outside of work were guys with crap jobs who drank, did drugs, and picked up girls... and I did the first and third of those things right along with them. I did not talk about my extracurricular friends and activities with people at work if I could avoid it, and I didn’t talk about work with my non-work friends. Occasionally I’d go out to a happy hour with folks from work, or I’d hit up a club with one of my female friends from the office, but that was about it; while we all worked together, outside of work we were just from different worlds

The interesting thing about this is that you will tend to feel a little embarrassed about each of these different associations when with one or the other (or at least I did).

You may feel a little silly for having such professionally unsuccessful friends or going out and hitting on women so much when you find yourself at work, or at a work happy hour, or socializing with your boss and now he’s probing into your private life. You can feel like you’re too wild for your career.

Likewise, you may feel a little silly for having such boring, uninteresting people around you all day long at work when with your going out friends. You can feel like you’re too tame for your pals and the girls you’re picking up.

I don’t think most people can handle this kind of cognitive dissonance – you somewhat feel like an imposter no matter whom you’re around or what you’re doing. But you keep yourself from fully conforming; you conform enough, in whatever environment you’re in, to make it work, but not so much that you become just another card-carrying member of that group. It’s hard to do, and is somewhat emotionally challenging, but is necessary if you live a rooted life and don’t want to find yourself boxed in by subconscious conformist impulses.

elegance & sexiness

Sexiness and elegance are two different qualities... both extremely attractive.

Picture a beautiful woman in a billowing summer dress walking past you. She is poised; her posture is erect; she moves slowly, fluidly, and gracefully, almost as if walking down the street is a dance for her. When addressed, she turns her head slowly, smiles graciously, and speaks clearly, unhurriedly, and warmly. This is elegance.

Now imagine another woman in a tight, form-fitting suit of clothes that show off her curves and have accents in all the right places. Her lips are pursed in that “cute sexy look” we talked about in “7 Facial Expressions That Drive Women Wild”; she smiles sexily, and her eyes burn holes into you, though you’re not sure whether she wants to take your home and tear your clothes off or if she’s just doing it to get a rise out of you because she likes to flirt. Either way, the purr of her voice and the sensuality of her head movements around you positively wakes you up and makes you take note. This is sexiness.

Both of these are things that men go nuts for.

Likewise, in men, these are qualities women go nuts for, too.

You can combine sexiness and elegance – in fact, I recommend it.

However, when you’re starting out, you’ll frequently find it’s easier to learn one first, and the other later.

Myself, I started with elegance and moved to sexiness later. At this point, for me, both are autopilot “on” all the time, and make making a good first impression a positive breeze.

While much of this site is already devoted to making you both elegant and sexy, for continuity’s sake let me break the two of these down into discrete chunks here and give you some links if you want to start working on one or the other right away.

Commonalities Between Sexy and Elegant

Both sexiness and elegance make liberal use of the following things:

  1. Sprezzatura / the Law of Least Effort: minimal input, maximum output – this is a basic social power law, and it’s integral in pulling off either sexiness or elegance.

  2. Deliberateness in movement: I nearly put “slowness” here, but there are some people you will meet who move quickly, yet so clearly deliberately that despite the rapidity of their movement they do no look unsexy or inelegant. Usually though, this will be slow... and always very deliberate, conscious, fluid, and controlled.

  3. Unhurriedness: try to be elegant or sexy while rushing around in a hurry, and you’ll find it’s next to impossible. Elegance and sexiness are based upon a sense of control, while hurriedness is (usually) an indication that one is not in control – of one’s time, life, etc. Again, there are exceptions here, but if you’re starting out, make certain you come across as unhurried as possible. You can play around with variations on this later as you get more comfortable being sexy or elegant.

  4. Superb posture: excellent posture goes hand-in-hand with both of these qualities – a straightened back, chest puffed somewhat out, shoulders back, and everything still kept slightly loose and comfortable looking (i.e., not stiff) makes a big difference in a man.
  5. Great eye contact: some of the specifics will vary (and we’ll discuss these below), but regardless, both sexy and elegant individuals have excellent eye contact with the people they are interacting with – or the people they want to be interacting with.

Now let’s discuss the differences.

Differences Between Sexy and Elegant

Because these are different modes, there are some differences between the two as well, and if you are learning both you will generally switch between elegant with people in general and with women who have not yet fully hooked with you, and sexy with women you want to get to know / date / sleep with who are also hooked.

Here are the big differences:

  1. Piercing vs. unthreatening eye contact / inquisitive smile: the sexy man looks right through you with piercing, probing bedroom eyes, eyelids drooping, and mouth pulled into a sensual smile. The elegant man, meanwhile, looks upon you with a warm, thoughtful/contemplative, unthreatening gaze and a light, “I’m intrigued, yet making up my mind about you” smile if smiling. The elegant man also breaks eye contact to the side more often, defusing social pressure, while the sexy man keeps his eyes locked on yours like a tractor beam, allowing sexual tension to build and build.

elegance & sexiness
  1. High society vs. “I want you now”: the overall demeanor of the elegant man is one that says, “I am a member of high society; I am elite; I am exceptional. Yet, I find you potentially intriguing and am interested in hearing you out further.” Conversely, the demeanor of the sexy man is a sensual vibe that says, “I already know I want to throw you in bed and take you. All that’s left is this game of flirting and fun, which I enjoy and you enjoy and both of us knows where it ends.”

  2. Leaning back vs. leaning in: this one’s simple enough – the elegant individual, as one who is among the cream of the crop and is here to sift the wheat from the chaff, remains poised and straight, or leans back and away from the individuals he is talking to. He is unmoved; he must be impressed. The onus is on the other person to do that impressing. The sexy individual, by contrast, is already sold, and is confident too that his prospect wants him just as well – and so, rather than lean back or stay straight, he leans in, allow the tension to build as he gets nearer and nearer to this individual.

  3. Chin up vs. chin down: another simple difference is how the elegant man holds his chin versus how the sexy man does. The elegant man holds his chin parallel to the ground, displaying poise, refinement, and the need for others to impress him. The sexy man lowers his chin down into an “underlook” (that’s another one we discussed in the facial expressions article), which gives him an almost predatory gaze – very good for creating sexual intrigue.

  4. Thoughtful reaction vs. aroused reaction: the elegant man responds to things a woman says and does by looking up and away while uttering a thoughtful, “Hmm,” as if taking these in and giving them great thought. Conversely, the sexy man reacts by staring dead into her eyes, flashing her a sexy half-smile, and purring out an aroused, sensual, “Hmmmm!” that sounds more like a satisfied moan than an expression of curiosity.

You see that these are two different modes, one focused on demanding that a woman qualify herself to you, and another expressing out-and-out-interest. Once you know both, you will frequently start out in the first and move to the second later once she’s shown sufficient interest to impress you and it’s time to take things from a “skeptical about her but intrigued” direction into a flat-out “turned on by her and ready to get things moving” one.

The Rarity of Elegance & Sexiness

Do you deserve an elegant and/or sensual woman?

Usually, only if you are elegant and/or sensual yourself.

However, you can become elegant and sensual with time, focus, dedication, and practice, and once you have become these things, you’ve given yourself a leg up on the other male competition out there that makes you stand head and shoulders above them wherever you go.

There just aren’t that many men out there who are like this.

In fact, because men are more inclined to work on their careers or other “missions” than their appearances and presentations than women are, you’ll find there are a lot more elegant and sexy women out there than there are elegant and sexy men.

This opens up a huge window of opportunity for you – if you’re willing to take the time and energy necessary to give yourself an edge like these give you, you become very attractive in ways that women very much want to experience (after all, they see these men all the time on television, in film, and in their books) yet usually feel like they’re missing out on.

So, wrapping up:

  • People invariably conform to the subcultures they’re involved in
  • Most people are working class (9-to-5, same social circles every day, etc.)
  • Working class people dissuade others from being sexy or elegant
  • To lessen the drive to conform while living a rooted / working class life:
    • Do lots of cold approach
    • Socialize with extremely different groups
  • Commonalities between sexy and elegant include:
    1. Sprezzatura / the Law of Least Effort
    2. Deliberateness in movement
    3. Unhurriedness
    4. Superb posture
    5. Great eye contact
  • Differences between sexy and elegant include:
    1. Piercing vs. unthreatening eye contact / inquisitive smile
    2. High society vs. “I want you now”
    3. Leaning back vs. leaning in
    4. Chin up vs. chin down
    5. Thoughtful reaction vs. aroused reaction
  • You will frequently start out elegant and switch to sexy once she’s won you over
  • If you want sexy or elegant women, you must become sexy or elegant yourself
  • Because sexy and elegant men are so rare, learning these gives you a great advantage

Ready to be sexy and elegant?


These are tons of fun; they make you really stand out; and they make meeting women a smooth, simple dance of intrigue, interest, and unveiling your own desires.

Everyone else around you may be running around like chickens with heads lopped off, but don’t let that dissuade you from dialing up your own sexiness or elegance – just because someone else is running around like crazy doesn’t mean she won’t respect you because you aren’t.

Rather, she’ll be interested... she’ll be curious... and, she’ll want to know exactly what it is you know that she clearly does not.

Chase Amante

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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Anonymous's picture

Additionally to this your article...
I liked this one
which in huge part summarizes why someone is exceptional even when having to attend toilet on regular basis, and why someone is just an average Joe Schmoe even when he gets A in every college discipline.

Anonymous's picture

Chase, hope you're good man :)
Hi Dave,
man I've got some guys constantly hitting on me,
making me feel bad about myself, insulting me, tearing me down.
I can't make them back off with remarks cause they've got an
answer ready anytime.
My 2 problems :
1. I am not much of a talker so ANWERING THEM is something I find HARD.
2. I have tried to ignore them but they tend to think that I am doing so
because I'm so AFFECTED.
My question : Should I keep ignoring them? cause that's actually the only
thing I can do provided I REALLY cant answer back.
Help me out man, please.
Remember, anything related to me TALKING to them (insulting or not) , it not
going to work cause its not my thing.

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

Sometimes it best in this scenario to put as much distance between you and them. Surround yourself with other people, and don't do things that will get you called out. Above all though, just continue to be happy for yourself. If you weren't afraid of confrontation, I would ask them what the problem was. Sometimes bullies will call people out because of their own insecurities. You're going to have to learn to stand up for yourself one day though. You can't let people harass you and bully you. I would also recommend telling someone you trust too, see if you get help. People can only help you if you tell them about the problem. For now I would recommend learning how to become a more assertive person to build confidence in yourself.

Good luck,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

HI Chase and Dave,
I have a question :
How can I give off a DANGEROUS SEXY VIBE??
I find it difficult cause I wear glasses which kinds
take off this DANGEROUS excitement .

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

Here are some helpful article links to help you out for now.

Being Edgy

How to Be Sexy

Sexy Vibe

3 Flavors of Sexy

Take care,

Just Dave

uForia's picture

I now found what made my approaches rather strong but my escalations weak. I position myself elegantly from the start and even talk in a quasi-European accent (Maybe also mixed with my background in living in the West). So I finally found out what made girls actually open from the get-go, yet I now know that I need to work on the sexy factor. I don't know how Asian men like myself can pull this off as it looks awkward and creepy to me compared to how a white man does it (As you described).

And it's this essence that makes me unsure of my escalation attempts and just shrug off the interaction and let the girl go. Looking sexy is something that I am still extremely uncomfortable with and I don't know how I can pull this off. If anybody can give me advice for Asian men that would be great. I know there's that article on asian men and how it doesn't really make a difference, but appearance matters and Asian men look drastically different from white men, face wise. It would be so helpful if you had an Asian man as a writer, but any advice would be welcomed.

David Riley's picture

Hey uForia,

Here's a helpful article link.

Asian Guys

Take care,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

The reason why there aren't as many feminine women is clearly because there was tons of money and effort into making it that way by the culture creators.

The feminist movement was key part in destroying relationships between men and women. It has been very successful. It was all done intentionally but of course anything that's said like this is always deemed a "conspiracy theory" but it's actually fact.

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

It seems there has been a drastic increase in very masculine/harder women and increase in softer/weaker men. With women going out trying to act like men, feminine women are dropping off. Men on the other hand are having a very hard time acting like men because the male image is under attack. Feminine women are still out there, but you have to look in the right places. Book stores, gyms, and grocery stores are some safe bets to find them. Also, consider the part of time you are at too. College campuses and hospitals are great for finding younger feminine women.

Feminism has gotten very extreme and active recently with the increase of social media. Recently I saw very militant twitter post from feminist with the #YesAllWomen hast tag after the Elliot Rodgers shootings. Ironically, when women were voicing their opinion men chimed in with the #NotAllMen hast tag. A war them raged between the two parties. What some men failed to see is women didn't have a problem with all men, just some. A good portion of feminine women do in fact love men. They do wish to be with a "real" man though. A man that understand how to properly speak and understand a woman. Women value men who still act like men. Much like how men value women who still act like women.

Just some thoughts,

Just Dave

tayoisrich's picture

It seems sexy is best for street approaches (indirect direct) when you are trying to get women on a primal level and you have little time... while elegance is best in bars, clubs, parties and other scenarios where there is more time...

I hear voices in my head...

David Riley's picture

Hey Tayo,

I would say that's a very accurate and fitting statement. I go for a more elegant look when I'm at work and a sexy look when I'm off the clock. Women eat up both looks and they're fun to play around with.

Take care,

Just Dave

Danny's picture

Hey guys would it be possible for you to get up an article on sexual humour and more stuff for same day lay seductions ?????

David Riley's picture

Hey Danny,

I will let Chase and the other artist know.

Just Dave

G's picture

Been waiting for a similar article for a while BAM!

I really the appreciate ideas towards advanced mindsets. Mastering this concept seems to open opportunities for those ladies carrying a start struck effect on men,

(I'll say it twice... opportunity for those types of females... you know).

Many men are stuck on approach, and lot of material seems geared towards beginners. Once past approach, there's still quite a bit to learn... and fun to be had ; )

David Riley's picture

Well Said G,

There's so much fun you can have in seduction and many different techniques you can play around with. I like you all are very excited for the new articles coming forth.

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase,
Ive lately noticed the same thing about the lack of seemingly elegant guys.
But I feel like you need to be masculine in order to pull off the elegant vibe though (Like having a deep voice, or having a beard).
Since I dont have either of these in spades, I feel like being elegant would just come off as delicate or girly…and I feel like girls wouldnt want you to be more delicate and refined than they are.

What are your thoughts?

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

If that's the case I would recommend practicing in a mirror to dial back the right amount of elegance you want to convey to the opposite sex. You still be masculine and elegant without the beard. It's about your overall vibe that communicates to women. Women can see through facades a mile away. You have to get your inside to match your outside. It's like the classic statement of clothes don't make the men. You want women to feel your air around you, you'll know when they do. Because they'll be more receptive to you. From there you can do what you'd like.

Take care,

Just Dave

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

If that's the case I would recommend practicing in a mirror to dial back the right amount of elegance you want to convey to the opposite sex. You still be masculine and elegant without the beard. It's about your overall vibe that communicates to women. Women can see through facades a mile away. You have to get your inside to match your outside. It's like the classic statement of clothes don't make the men. You want women to feel your air around you, you'll know when they do. Because they'll be more receptive to you. From there you can do what you'd like.

Take care,

Just Dave

anonim's picture

Chase it used to be such an outstanding website. Now looks like all comments are about shooting links and a smartphone thing... seriously, why are you changing this site from clever intelligent site into a joke?

Chase Amante's picture


You mean the one link above someone posted to Raymar's site (or maybe the one Social Kenny posted the other day to his own site)? If a link seems sufficiently relevant and the content is good / not spammy, we'll allow it. I browsed both articles myself and both seemed okay. That's been the rule since Day 1 - there are tons of other comments throughout the site that have links in them too.

99% of comments with links in them have been and will continue to be immediately moderated into oblivion (e.g., Kenny regularly posts links to his site and I think that's the only one we've ever approved, or maybe only the second or something like that - this one went up because it actually seemed relevant this time)... while there's no way to ensure that every single comment that goes up is a masterpiece to everyone, since people's tastes tend to differ, we do have a certain minimum acceptability standard we keep the comments to generally, and if something doesn't meet it, it doesn't make it onto the site.


tayoisrich's picture

Sometimes posting links is better since there is already a detailed article that talks about the issue...

In my own opinion and experience GirlsChase is better than a lot of PUA sites that teach men to act like trained baboonish clowns in front of women... (like those fake cocky and funny routines that I use to read before that only works for American women & not in other countries!)

I hear voices in my head...

Black Mystery's picture

When we are in love with a girl whose value is too high for us, our normal feelings get magnify. Every emotion related to her. Fear, Love, Care etc. And when they get magnify it leads to prompt decisions. These decisions are mostly emotional decisions which hinders rationale decisions. Therefore it's important to have girls value normal or below that. Girls value is high mostly because of:
1) She's exquisitely beautiful.
2) She's hard to get.
3) Men lacks substitute in their lives. Absence of these 3 would surely bring down value of girl from high to low.

Black Mystery

Next Best Thing's picture

Hello Chase&Dave,
Quick question: Should I hide my soft/goofy side from women? If so, till when? After a month of dating?....Two? Most of the time I'm like James bond, but sometimes I jus wanna be my softer/goofy side, gets exhausting bein Bond all day. I have no problems meeting women, my problem is that once I get comfortable w them i tend to loosen up a bit n become emotional (goofy, jealous, insecure, lovey dovey, etc) and I'm not sure if they like it haha If I hide it completely then I feel like I've tricked them n they're not meeting the "real" me! What should I do?

David Riley's picture

Hey Next,

You want to gradually pull out your "soft/goofy" side in layers. You have to ease a girl into it, otherwise like you mentioned she may not like it. When you first start talking to a girl up until you sleep with her, you gotta play it cool. However, once you've become intimate with a girl you start peeling back those layers. You want her to do the peeling though. Women love surprises and discovering things for themselves, you don't want to rob her of the opportunity. Women can tell when you're not being real with them and it turns them off. You can still be "soft/goofy" in a sexual way. You can still it into potentially being cocky and sweet, it's something you have to play around with. The main thing though is to ease a girl into it.

Take care,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

Chase has been saying a lot how women choose lower value men because they want a man who will give all his love to her. If a woman actively chooses a nice guy or an outcast over a high value guy, doesn't this contradict everything you're teaching? Why be the hard to get guy whom she's "more attracted to" but doesn't love and doesn't choose over a nice guy?

What I've noticed is that confident/more dominant neurotic women always end up with somewhat of an outcast type of guy. He's either some big brute who she walks around with and treats like her guard dog or some small, nice guy who other "alpha" guys are laughing at. It's really strange but it seems like these women aren't completely stable themselves. They seem to have too much of something whether it be crazy, attitude, insecurity or whatnot.

On the flipside, more normal, submissive type women choose normal high value guys who are usually very emotionally stable, under control, manly, successful, well respected, popular, and the list goes on.

I wonder if rebellious, neurotic type women seek guys who are really strange (by society's standards) because it makes them feel different--like they are above society and cooler than everyone else. While the typical dating guru will say "oh, women like those big brutes because they are confident bad boys," you can't use that excuse anymore for these small, wimpy guys who other guys are just laughing at. These guys aren't dominant, and while you could argue that they are charming or "secure," I really think those arguments are copouts. These guys are not dominant, sexual and act like the immature little boy who starts squealing when he's laughing because he can't control himself. Sure, these guys are obviously more intelligent than the average person, but surely you would agree that this isn't enough to attract a woman... how can a woman submit to a man who really just isn't manly like these guys? Why wouldn't a woman who wants a nice, intelligent/classy guy pick a guy who is those things but is also a manly, sexy guy with sexy confidence? Why are they choosing the guy whom the high-value women don't really want and whom guys don't value for whatever reason? I'm guessing the women who choose kind of these outliers probably aren't a walk in the park themselves, so maybe crazy attracts crazy?

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

It's part of evolution, women seek strong mates. However when they can't find their desired mate they settle. Keep in mind when women get older they tend to settle for weaker men because they weren't able to tie down that alpha. They don't want to be alone or they settle for the guy who will give them everything they could ever want. However, the woman is truly never satisfied because the weaker man is more invest than she is. She eventually gets tired of sleeping with the weaker man and may even cheat on him. She begins to lose respect for the weaker man as he begins to chase her and beg her to stay with him. She becomes so disgusted with him that she either leaves or resents him and cheats on him. The women settled for the best she could get.

Here's the thing she chose stability of the nice guy rather than unpredictability of the bad boy. She got tired of chasing after the bad boy once she knew she couldn't tame him. Chase encourages us to not chase women and own our balls, so we don't end up getting taken advantage of. He's trying to provide us with the proper mindset to keep guys from getting "played" or constantly rejected by women. Women respect you way more when you don't try to put them on a pedestal. Women respect men who know what women want and understand them. Chase wants guys to become high value men who women go nuts over.

Also to note the older a woman gets and depending what kind of lifestyle she lived, her options start getting lower and lower when it comes to marriage. Women have the upper hand for short term flings, but men have the ability to out last women for options for marriage. Now you do have exceptions to every rule and some women are taking better care of themselves these days. Typically though, some women think their looks will never fade. The same could be said of a man who believes he'll never go bald or get fat. In the end women do want a guy who has the whole package, but there's so much competition for that guy, they normally give up.

Take care,

Just Dave

J Wick's picture

Loving this elegance style. I think it is right up my alley.

Though I do feel like the way I learn is not so much by just doing the movements and steps (which I have been doing) but also understanding the mindset of someone in the moment of elegance.

For instance I was in home depot doing my best to be elegant and I just didn't know what to do with my eyes. My body movements were relaxed and calm, but my eyes darting. So much to look at, yet nothing interesting to see. The most interesting thing are people walking by but then looking at everyone walking by isnt very elegant either! haha

My thoughts on this is just to not worry about where my eyes are for now and soak up the peripheral views, however I imagine there are better ways I have yet to stumble on.

I tend to have an overactive mind, which I am steadily calming down, but at the moment I think its coming out in restlessness in my eyes.

Yes I realize there isn't really of question in here Dave, just want your thoughts on the matter. :)

P.s. would you say elegance is also in doing more with less? For instance, this comment could be much shorter haha

Ankit's picture

Hello..I am a regular reader of your blog. Right now I am on developing stage of sduction. Firstly a very thanks to your hard work (gratitude :). Now come to the point second, can you help the guys out there want to work on them very hardly but have some financial issue to join 0.001% community . What if there is some guys want to get off from the office work? Is there professions (specify) that can help you get income while travelling from country to country.? I don't wanna be a guy who spend his hard working money on travelling alone. Isn't there profession, that get you paid for travelling(or while travelling) from country to country? Help these guys out there by your valuable knowledge from experiance. Thank you :)

David Riley's picture

Hey Ankit,

I will see what Chase has to say about and make this a possible article.

Just Dave

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