How to Start a Conversation with Anyone You Want


What’s the greatest single key to being able to converse with girls in a relaxed way, not put too much pressure on yourself, be sexual, and then pull them home?

It’s not looks. It’s not confidence. It’s not being well-dressed. These aspects are all important, however, the single greatest key to being able to converse with any girl is momentum.

how to start a conversation

You can take the most talented, socially suave guy in the world, and throw him in a social situation on an off day, and he’ll look like an awkward, uncalibrated beginner.

And every guy who gets consistent success with girls understands the principle of momentum. Especially because the high value men understand what it means to work extremely hard. When you spend all day on the grindstone – on your computer, on pieces of paper, on the phone… the last thing you feel like is a social dynamo when you step out of the door.

That’s why you need to learn to converse with anyone and everyone around you.

If you can learn how to start a conversation with anyone, you can learn how to get yourself warmed up and talking to the hottest girls in any situation. And it’s no pressure, it’s not like you’ll ever see these people again (or maybe if you make a good connection, you could).

Sounds easy, right? So why doesn’t every guy go and start a conversation with anyone and everyone?

This question is exactly what I’m going to address today, along with how you can overcome your own fear of strangers and use conversations with anyone in any situation to help boost your energy and get you ready to seduce the hottest of women.

Let’s go.


how to start a conversation

Getting Out of Your Head

The reason why it’s harder for guys of any level – but especially newer guys – to build social momentum by only talking to girls, is that they’re too in their head. They are focused on their inward narrative instead being invested in their environment, which can be a game killer. So you’ll have to learn how to change your focus to the external.

The keys to being able to get out of your head are:

  • Talking to a lot of people at consistent time intervals
  • Getting yourself in a positive state
  • Focusing on your surroundings
  • Amping your energy

In all honestly, newer guys have more fragile egos and are looking for girls to give them a boost of confidence and some emotional validation. There’s nothing wrong with this fact if you haven’t trained yourself to find energy and a clear state from within.

But the only problem is that you can’t build up proper momentum, because if you face one or two rejections or harsh reactions, you’ll be too discouraged to actually get over the hump and build the proper momentum.

An experienced man knows that he’ll have to have a few interactions (and sometimes more than a few) that are messy and probably poorly received by the other party. Whether it’s girls or anyone else, this process is necessary to get to the point where you’re warmed up.


Positive State: Catching Fire

However, the difference with the experienced man is: he knows that inevitably he will catch social fire. He understands the concept of small chunking his way to victory. He understands that each small interaction gets him an inch closer to that social fire where he’ll be able to pull even the hard case stunners.

It’s important for newer guys to understand this principle as well. It doesn’t matter what you feel like at the beginning of the night or day when you go on an outing. As long as you keep talking to people, you will catch social fire.

how to start a conversation

And for newer guys, the easiest way to catch social fire is starting a conversation with anyone. Why? Because you can talk to random people without any pressure or fear of judgment – from yourself or from the other person.

That’s what is so fantastic about talking to random people. You can say whatever you want or do whatever you want knowing that it pretty much doesn’t matter. You can mix up your words, you can be nervous, and you have nothing to lose. You don’t need anything from them besides the conversation, so you can go in no pressure and ask questions and converse in a free-flowing way.


Focus on Your Surroundings

The more you change your point of focus to your surroundings the easier it will be to get out of your head. The more you act on your environment, the less your environment will act on you. So a good trick to getting out of your head is making conscious observations about what’s going on around you.

If you’re outside, what’s the vibe of the streets? What do the buildings look like? How are people dressing and acting? If you’re in a bar or club pay attention to the music. Does it match the venue? Scope out the logistics: where would you take a girl to isolate her from everything else?

What kind of emotions are people feeling?

Paying attention and being present to the moment is an all-important skill for a seducer of any level. You need to be able to get a beat on what’s going on around you, which is much harder than it sounds. So next time you’re out: focus. Take in the small details and know what’s going on in your environment.


Amping Your Energy

When you go out often enough, you’ll start to realize that everyone who is out is just as nervous and self-conscious and apprehensive as you are. If they are not, then they are probably drunk. And this is why you need to learn how to boost your energy without alcohol.

Let me preface this next point by saying that everyone has their own style of seduction and going about cold approaching women. But what I find that helps me (and a lot of other younger guys) get into state is to bring energy. The reason why I like bringing energy is because the person who brings energy – especially at night – is the one who is giving value rather than taking it.

You always want to be the person who is including others in your party, rather than trying to join theirs. So if you are able to boost your state, you’ll always be the one that people gravitate toward.

So in order to boost my energy or the energy of any other guys who may be with me, I just try to do something to help me completely let loose. Sometimes I’ll dance in the middle of the street; sometimes I’ll yell at the top of my lungs; sometimes I’ll just start telling a ridiculous story to a random person.

I love doing these things because once you completely let go, you’re free to make mistakes and do whatever you want for the rest of the night. You’re nervous about girls rejecting you? Well too bad, because a massive group of hot girls already saw you howling like a wolf, so you pretty much can’t top that.

This action speaks to a principle in self-development called “eating your frog”. The saying goes:

If the first thing you do each morning is to eat a live frog, you can go through the day with the satisfaction of knowing that that is probably the worst thing that is going to happen to you all day long!

It’s the exact same thing with going out. If the first thing you do when you walk out the door is the Thriller dance out in front of hundreds of people, that’s pretty much the most “embarrassing” thing that could happen to you all night. So blowouts, rejections, approach anxiety, not saying the right thing – that’s all child’s play compared to what you’ve already done.

Like I said, this isn’t a style that jives with everyone. Some people like the lower energy, more debonair style of gaming. And that’s completely fine. But you have to have a rock-solid internal frame in order for this style to work. The James Bond style works best:

  • During day game
  • At quieter and/or classier night venues
  • At more laid-back parties

But honestly, I’ve rarely seen newer/intermediate guys who can actually pull off the suave style – especially at night. They just tell themselves they’re being suave and demure when in reality they’re just standing around not talking to girls – or anyone, for that matter.

how to start a conversation

That’s why I think just letting loose is a far better strategy. And it’s actually really funny to see how many people are truly stifled when they go out. When I go out with my friends, I see so many people in the corner standing around with wide eyes looking at us. Then they say things like “I just love watching you guys have a great time!” or “I love how much fun you guys are having!”

That’s because deep down everyone wants to let loose, but few have the courage to actually do it. If you take the time to let yourself be free, you’ll set yourself up for a great night – all the time, every time.

So if letting go, building momentum, and starting conversations with anyone are so important, how come so many guys are afraid to talk to random people? How come we all can’t start a conversation with anyone we want, anytime we want?

The answer is social conditioning. It’s important to understand what it is in this context. And it’s even more important to understand how to beat it.


how to start a conversation

Where It Came From

What are some of the first things that you remember being taught when you were a little kid? I’m sure you can remember at least one of these three:

  • Eat your vegetables
  • Look both ways when you cross the street
  • Don’t talk to strangers

Even from a young age we are taught that it’s taboo or even dangerous to talk to strangers. Now this lesson may be valuable for a six-year-old, but we’re never really taught as adults that it’s okay to talk to strangers. And that people crave social interaction – especially in the West.

So most people walk around the world actually subconsciously scared to talk to new people. What are they afraid of?

  1. They’re afraid of being physically hurt
  2. They’re afraid of being judged
  3. But most of all…

  4. They’re afraid of being rejected

Rejection hurts, I don’t have to tell you that. But why does rejection hurt so much? I have a couple of theories:

  1. People are still children at heart. And when someone rejects you, they are essentially saying on a subconscious level: “I don’t love you,” or “You don’t matter,” or “You don’t belong here.” And that hurts on a very deep, biological level. Because being separated from other people means death biologically.

    And as a corollary…

  1. We take it personally. It’s hard not to take rejection personally. You just put yourself out there to engage with another human being who otherwise wouldn’t have known you, and they essentially respond by saying “You’re not worth my time,” or “You’re not worth anything at all.” And that hurts. A lot.

Can you resonate with these feelings? I’m sure you can, even if you never consciously thought about it. So how do we overcome these barriers?


Leave Social Conditioning Behind

There are a couple of steps you have to take in order to overcome social conditioning:

  1. Give yourself permission. The greatest champion and the greatest enemy of your success is the same person – you. You just have to choose which side you want to be on. If you want to tell yourself a million reasons why you shouldn’t talk to people, then you’ll be buried under a pile of excuses and remain silent. But if you choose to let yourself be okay with putting yourself out there, you’ll take an important first step toward being able to talk to others.

  2. Learn not to take it personally. This is much easier said than done. I find that meditation, affirmations, and positive body language can be very helpful in learning not to take the words of strangers personally. It’s funny because us taking the words of others personally has so much less to do with them and much more to do with us.

    We start using their words to confirm a negative narrative that’s already going on in our head. “She’s right, maybe I am awkward,” or “Nobody ever really gives me a chance, so why should she?”

    But if you replace your internal narrative with something positive, it’ll be much harder for people to affect you. And you’ll start to realize: they don’t know you, so how can they be judging your character – your very person? They can’t. If they do – you’re just letting them.

  3. Know that you’ll be okay. Has the world ever ended because you got rejected? Have your family ever disowned you because someone said something mean to you? Of course not. We like to think that things will be much worse than they actually are. You’re an adult. Talking to strangers isn’t actually dangerous anymore. No matter what happens…you’ll be okay.

So now that we’ve talked about how to get past the conditioning, let’s talk about what to actually say.


how to start a conversation

Give Someone a Genuine Compliment

This one really never fails me. If you want to start a conversation with anyone, the easiest way to do so is to give them a genuine compliment. I always find it interesting how many people I go out with pull me aside and say “I think her dress is really cool,” or “I love that guy’s hat.”

I always respond by saying: “Well, why don’t you go tell them that?” I can understand being apprehensive about telling a girl she’s hot, but giving someone a genuine compliment is only going to boost their day/night. Who doesn’t want to hear that they’re looking good? And yet, people don’t give themselves permission to approach strangers – even with something positive.

So, in that case:

  1. Think of a genuine compliment
  2. Give yourself permission to approach someone
  3. Tell them the compliment

After you do this, the door is usually open to get their name, a little of their story, and to continue the interaction toward getting to know them a little bit and boosting your own social momentum.


Ask Them for Information You Actually Need

It’s shocking to me how many people actually need information but are too afraid to approach strangers to get it. Maybe you’re looking for a coffee shop. Maybe you need help finding a particular book in a bookstore. Maybe you want to know where someone got their suit.

If you actually need information from a stranger, then ask for it. It’s silly to just walk around aimlessly trying to figure something out when you could solve your problem with a two second interaction.

And in the same way as the previous case, all you need to have is something to open the door, and then you can extend the interaction if you want.


Say Anything

Are you starting to notice a trend here? Starting a conversation with a stranger is like opening a girl in many ways. All you have to do is just say something that will get your foot in the door. After that, you can extend the conversation as you please.

You can:

  • Ask for their opinion
  • Make a joke
  • Say song lyrics to them
  • Cheer

It really doesn’t matter as long as you do something. As long as you give yourself the permission to do something, and know that you can follow up, you’ll be on great footing to start a conversation with absolutely anyone you want.


Lower Your Conversation Standards

Some guys are under the impression that if you want to start a conversation with someone – especially a girl – you have to have the perfect thing to say. This could not be further from the truth. You don’t need the perfect complement or the perfect joke in order to start talking to someone.

how to start a conversation

Just know that you have to say something, and that the fact that you said something is good enough.


Let the Good Times Roll

Once you start a conversation, keep it going if you want to. The key to getting true social momentum is being able to mix short bursts of interactions with a few more substantive ones. So if you find yourself talking to someone you actually enjoy: keep it going.

Guys are often worried about conversations fizzling out, but it’s actually easier than you think to keep things alive. Just remember:

  • Be genuine
  • Be a little vulnerable
  • Know that whatever you have to say is important
  • Have at least one good story to tell
  • Listen
  • Relate

If you can keep these things in mind, you will be able to start a conversation with anyone and keep it going for as long as you want.


Use the Momentum to Seduce Girls

Finally: use your momentum to talk to hot girls. Whenever I interact with girls after building my momentum, they always tell me that I’m fun, I love life, and that they feel very relaxed and free around me.

Why is that? Because I don’t need anything from them. My energy is so high and my state is so positive that they know that they’re joining my party. And that’s the point you want to reach.

If you converse with enough random people, eventually you’ll be compelled to start talking to girls without even really thinking about it. And then if you keep that momentum going, laughing off rejections and just giving yourself permission to let loose, you’ll start interacting with hot girls without really thinking about it.

And they’ll love it. And that’s when things get really fun.


Wrapping Up

Talking to strangers can seem a lot more intimidating than it actually is. I think the key is less about the conversation itself and more about bringing the right energy and giving yourself permission to act even though you know that there will inevitably be bumps and hiccups along the way.

But it’s okay, calm waters are boring anyway.

Carpe diem,

Colt

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Comments

Roberto G.'s picture

compliments


Hi, thank you for the article which is the truth indeed.
I got a problem though with compliments, some part of me saying that it's supplicating to females and sort of "chasing". (I do compliment after of course, when I know her better).
What is the solution? Am I too narcisstic?

David Riley's picture

Direct Game vs Indirect Game


Hey Robert,

I'll give you two examples to look at:
-Direct Game
Me: Hi, just thought you were cute and wanted to say hi, I'm David.
Girl: OH thanks, I'm Jen.
Me: Nice to meet you Jen, are you single?
Girl: Um yes . . why?
Me: Just wanted get to know you better

-Indirect Game *at Starbucks noticing a girl who's dressed up
Me: Hey, why are you so dressed up?
Girl: I just same from a job convention
Me: Oh, how'd that go?
Girl: Really well
Me: Cool, so what are you up to now?
Girl: Girl, just grabbing a drink before I head home.
Me: Nice, well before you go tell me about all the employers who were there.
Girl: Sure there was such and such

Now in both these examples I'm talking to girls which is cool, but in the first example with the girl when I went direct I was able to guage her interest right away. When I went indirect, the girl was thinking I was more interested in the job fair instead of her. The reason would be because I never directly stated my interest in her. It's not bad to compliment a girl on something innocent to get your foot in the door. The problem with complimenting is when you over compliment a girl. That will shoot you in the foot because the girl will just think you're sucking up to her. As a result she won't be interested. The reason is because she's heard it so many times before from so many other guys. Now when you're honest with a girl and are straight forward about your intentions she'll respect you more.

Now this isn't saying indirect game is bad because in the example above I actually did get the girl interested in me and we met up the next day. However, I had to eventually shift the conversation to something more exciting. Now does either way won't guarantee that a girl will be in you, but knowing when to chose between direct and indirect can help you. I chose direct when a girl is more isolated and appears receptive to approach. Also, when I'm cold approaching it's my first go to. I tend to go more indirect when I'm doing social circle game because you don't want the interaction to go south, and she tells your friends what you did. This often why I encourage guys to cold approach more when first starting out to lessen the repercussions of failed interactions. Anyway hope this information helps you.

Take care,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

Help, I need some conversational topics to bring the energy...


I enjoyed this article.

Starting conversation is good, but I find that many people that I meet (me sometimes included depending on my emotional state) tend to be more of a responder to energy rather than givers of energy. So at least one conversational partner (preferably both) need to be givers of energy in order to get things flowing well. In other words, someone has to bring the conversational sexy to the table.

Being high energy is my goal, but my issue is I usually run out of things to say, not because I'm scared but sometimes I do feel a little awkward speaking to strangers, and not only that sometimes people just bore me and then the conversation goes stale and that's it. What's a good way of thinking about this problem so I can reach your level of "i don't need anything from you, I'm just here being high energy?" Usually I feed off of other people for being energetic, and if they're stoic with me then my I find it hard to maintain an energetic state.

So I want to fix this problem and become more of an energy giver. since you seem to have fixed the energy problem what are some good strategies and conversational threads (i.e. open ended questions, or cool & sexy topics) that you recommend to give me the maximum chance of getting a good conversation off the ground with repeatable results? I mean not everyone will be interesting to talk to, but I want to do my part to maximize my side of the coin and so when I start rejecting other people (to go find someone more interesting), I can know I tried my best.

Please help.

David Riley's picture

How's your Night?


Hey Anon,

Finding things to talk about in the moment is going to be your best bet. Using situational openers especially at a party is beneficial. People don't want to talk about the boring every day conversations such as "Where do you work at?" or "Nice weather, huh?" These will be questions that drive people away from you and get the "get away from me" responses. I find the best questions to ask people to get them ramped up are:

What are you passionate about?
Do you have any hobbies?
How long have you been doing that?
Are you a risk taker?
If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?
Are you spontaneous?
Are you a good dancer?
Do you think your life is exciting?

The last two can be used to weed the conversation into something very sexual. "Women relate dancing to sex." - Will Smith in Hitch
"If she can't dance she's rubbish in bed." Example - Girl Can't Dance

I know guys that when they ask if a girl is spontaneous and she says yes, they kiss her. Now they do that when they're isolated of course. You never want to make that strong of a move when her friends might be watching. Now as far as dancing you can make comments to girls such as "I bet you look good on the dance floor." If she asks why, make a comment about her hips or her legs. "They say women with long legs are great dancers. Look at her legs or better yet touch them if you're alone and look her in the eyes. From there you can feel the magnetic energy and the connection between the too.

Closing thoughts, a real man is able to control his energy and doesn't let people suck the life out of him. When you're talking to some girls, lead the conversation and get them to share their experiences about life. Girls are great at doing this, they will tell stories about themselves. When the conversation dies down, pitch another question feed. Isolate to somewhere private and get more intimate. It will make your life a lot easier once she she's how social and a great conversationalist you are.

Take care,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

This seems like great advice.


This seems like great advice. I can't believe it never occurred to me to open a random stranger(not just girls) with a compliment.

Once, I tried asking an opinion and that worked pretty well. In fact, I felt like I was more talkative for a day or two after trying it.

David Riley's picture

Say Hi


Hey Anon,

When walking on the street or even around town, I just say "Hi". You'd be surprised with the amount of people who will just say "Hi" back. They light up with excitement knowing that someone wants to interact with them. Now sometimes you got people who won't respond or aren't talkative. That's fine, and once you get use to opening your mouth and greeting people, the compliments will flow right out. There are so many times when I see a girl walking, and I just smile and say "I like your dress" or "Those shoes look interesting." Basically, what I'm saying is once you get yourself into a routine your life becomes so much easier talking to strangers. In all actuality, you'll start getting an itch that tell you "I just have to say hi." Have fun with it.

Take care,

Just Dave

Moria Orc #16's picture

Numbers/Intensity to "Catch Social Fire"


Hey Colt,

Well done with this article, I agree with you and can relate to moments at the end of long verbally engaging days when you're just "on fire". I could keep complimenting you on it but I'm just going to get right to my questions.

1. Approximately how many people would you say you'd have to converse with to catch the "fire"?

2. Would it be possible to catch social fire after speaking with just one person? I mean does the social momentum have to be built gradually or can you just get a huge spike from a solid convo with someone?

3. Any tips on not taking things personally and also worrying about what strangers think of you during your interaction? Because it really is MUCH easier said than done.

Thanks a mil,

A.

David Riley's picture

Catching Fire


Hey Moria,

Chase has me helping him and the other writers out on the comments.

1 and 2. It really depends on how great the conversation is and the length of the conversation. Because you can run into someone who is such a great mood that it just rubs off on you. I would say more quality of the conversation of quantity, but if I had to choose a number I say 3 to 5 conversations. This is also factoring in your conversations skills. On average for the average person about 5 to 8.

Solid conversations are the best to go honestly. When I first started approaching girls and I was nervous. I would call my brother or cousin in the mall parking lot, we'd talk for 5 or 10 minutes and I would just be on fire. The thing to look at here is the fact I was talking to people who knew me very well. Sometimes you can meet a stranger who just treats you like family and you feel really great as well. This is why I will initially approach people who are smiling or cheerful because it puts me in the frame of mind of "Wow, people do like talking to strangers and they won't bite you." I would also watch body language as well, if someone looks like they're in a rush, they won't have too much time to talk. This goes into my next point.

3. Don't take rejection personally, "Your life will be so much better if you don't let words effect you." - Comedian who's name I can't remember. If someone snubs or rudely brushes you off, just write it off. "Hey, they probably had a rough day." or "Wow, they must really be going through something." Some people just are not extroverts. Along with that not everyone will understand your intentions. This why I ground my openers with everyone. "Hey Fred, just wanted to see how you were doing." or "Hey you had a great attitude and it caught my attention." Just little things like that make a difference. This why people won't be sitting there thinking, "How long is this guy gonna talk."

Take care,

Just Dave

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