Why to NOT Meet Girls on Facebook

In the post on indirect game, Franco comments, in part:

Maintaining a good personal Facebook or Social Networking appearance. I think this would require a blog post (or maybe even a series of blog posts), but interacting with women on Facebook (whether directly or indirectly through posts/pictures) is a big part of the way individuals connect and socialize with each other today. Do you have knowledge or advice in this area?

If you're under 30 (or maybe even OVER 30, too) and you're living in the early 21st century, you've probably thought about how great it'd be if you could just meet girls on Facebook.

I mean... you can browse through profiles... pick the HOTTEST girls you see... send them a message... and then, if they write BACK - suddenly now you've got a new potential girlfriend or lover!

It's easy!

meet girls on facebook

In a digital age, what better way is there to meet girls for the technically-inclined than to just find them on the Internet and send them a message? I've done it myself - and I'll be the first to tell you, I've met a few gorgeous women off of Facebook.

It works!

But there's one thing all the posts, articles, teachers, and guides that propose to teach you how to find girls on Facebook don't cover... and that is that it's way more work than meeting girls in real life, your odds of success are way lower, and it takes way more time.

Let me take you through my own personal adventures with Facebook - and why I ultimately decided to close my account and never log on again.

meet girls on facebook

Back when Facebook was new, it became a craze... I was in college, and EVERYBODY in college was on Facebook! I had three things working against me being an early adopter personally, though:

  • I've always been slow to adopt things

  • I've always been skeptical about things that "everyone" is doing

  • At the time, I didn't have my social skills down yet... and didn't have friends to push me onto the site (just classmates and casual acquaintances who'd bug me periodically about getting on there)

So, I brushed off the people who wanted me to get Facebook, and didn't bother until a few years after it'd been out.

But once I did finally get an account... I fell in love!

Finally, I could reconnect with all those old high school classmates and show them how cool I was!

I could connect with those hot girls I liked in college I never got together with, and show them how many hot girls were around me now!

I could connect with all the new people I was meeting, and give them access to my travel photos and let them see the exotic locales I was visiting!

I built up a really cool, really happening Facebook account, with tons of photos of me with beautiful, scantily clad women, tons of photos of me on travel in faraway lands, and tons of witty, memorable status updates that got tons of admiring comments.

I even started getting people talking to me about my Facebook in real life... "I've always got to check through this man's Facebook and see what kind of crazy things he's been up to," men would say about my profile in front of others.

"I took one look at your Facebook and I knew you were trouble," girls would say to me in turned-on tones after we'd slept together and they couldn't wrestle me into a relationship... (and then they'd ask me if we could please see each other one more time).

I met beautiful women through Facebook - girls with model looks, with incredible breasts, and tiny waists... girls I couldn't even find in real life at the time, let alone get together with. And we'd go on dates, and some of them I'd even take to bed.

It was wonderful! It was amazing!

And yet, I kept trying to pry myself off of there.

I'd come back to it again and again... "I've got to get off Facebook," I'd think to myself. Then I'd realize what nonsense that was, and how many good things Facebook brought to my life.

But one day, a year after these thoughts first began occurring to me, I took the time to sit down and ask myself why if Facebook was such a boon I kept wanting to close it out.

And then I realized why.

Getting an Edge

When you go to meet girls on Facebook, the first thing to realize is it's a lot like meeting girls on any other kind of online dating platform.

And the thing about meeting women online is... looks are king.

I'm a reasonably good-looking guy, or so I'm told... but even for me, even with incredible messages, online dating was often a crapshoot. I've gotten good results from it over the years, and I've tested hundreds of variations on messages, profile designs, and the like... and the one thing that ups results better than anything else you can possibly do in online dating is getting a better picture.

I started out by testing pictures on HotOrNot.com to see which ones got the best ratings. I just checked, and it looks like it's turned completely into a dating site these days, but HotOrNot used to be a ratings site where you could post your pictures... and other people would rate how hot (or not) you were.

So, I put a bunch of pictures of myself up there... and they all came back with 5, 6, or, if I was really lucky, 7.

Finally, I had a great picture of me sitting on a mountaintop overlooking Machu Picchu in Peru, bright green grass and gray stony ruins below and behind me, and that one garnered me an 8.5. I started using that on Facebook and on online dating sites, and I got better results.

Over the next year and a half or so, I only dabbled in online dating, and then I lost 20 pounds, upgraded my fashion, got a $60 haircut from the best fashion salon in town, and had some professional pictures done - and then I tested these on HotOrNot. Results? 9.2... 9.7... 9.9... 10.

I had a winner.

I put my best picture up, and my results with online went up markedly.

But then I ran a test.

The Trouble with Facebook

meet girls on facebookI went on ModelMayhem.com, and found a picture of a really cool-looking, attractive guy, duplicated my profile on an online dating website, and changed only one thing - the pictures. And guess what?

That profile got FLOODED with women saying hello, asking for dates, and sending their phone numbers in their VERY FIRST MESSAGE!

I couldn't believe the difference... it was my same profile! Everything was the same, except the pictures! So much for my "10" picture... apparently, it wasn't in the same league as this guy's 10.

Women never messaged me first. But this guy... he was a champ.

I almost shot a message to the guy on Model Mayhem to tell him, "Hey brother, I've got about a hundred women here that want to meet you in Southern California if you're interested. FYI. You'll just have to go by the name 'Simon,' is all."

So, over the course of 4 years of using Facebook and online dating to meet women, I discovered that there are exactly three (3) things that most impact your success rates:

  1. Looks
  2. Looks
  3. Looks

Oh, I almost forgot, there's a fourth one too... looks!

Now, looks are under your control to a degree. You can:

  • Lose weight
  • Get a better haircut
  • Get a cool facial hair style
  • Upgrade your fashion
  • Get professional pictures done
  • Get ripped abs and show these off (it helps)
  • Don't make eye contact with the camera (look down and away)
  • Don't smile

Those last three tips are from OkCupid's blog, which has a number of fascinating analyses of the data from across its sites. And I used every single tip from that list above except the one on abs (still working on that, actually), and it did make a big difference in my online dating and Facebook success...

... but it was still nothing like Simon's.

This isn't the only problem with Facebook, though.

In addition to the looks problem, that you can improve quite a bit on but still never lap a guy who's just really good looking (unlike in real life, where looks are still important but a number of other things like social grace and leadership play much larger roles than they do on a computer), Facebook's got a few more strikes against it as a dating platform:

  • It functions as a "high school environment" - basically, everything's about your social status on Facebook and about being "cool"

  • It's not a pure dating platform - which means women are a lot less open to being picked up on Facebook than on, say, Plenty of Fish, or Ok Cupid

  • There are a MILLION things competing for a woman's attention on Facebook... like her friend Stephanie's recent dramatic break up, or that weird guy Carl who keeps sending her stalkery messages - it can be nearly impossible to break through

  • ... and worst of all, everything you build on Facebook fails to translate to real life

What I mean by that last one is this: Facebook game is decidedly different from real life game. If you get good at meeting girls in bars or parties, for instance, you'll have a much easier time meeting girls in class or at work. Or if you get good running street game, you'll find that beach pickup is a snap to learn.

But if you spend a year getting really, really good at posting amazing Facebook pictures and incredible status updates and cultivating a burgeoning online presence there, you'll have gotten no better at meeting girls anywhere other than Facebook.


And if you think building yourself up as a Facebook one-trick pony is a good investment, you might not have noticed the subtle shift in Facebook's demographics, with the trend makers more and more abandoning it, and only the late-comers and older folks adopting it in droves.

Facebook's hair is graying, and its style is running out.

meet girls on facebook

There are, essentially, 3 recipes available to you if you want to meet girls on Facebook:

  1. Be exceptionally good-looking, and get professional pictures

  2. Get exceptionally ripped, and show off your abs

  3. Work really, really, really hard to build an amazing profile, turn your real life into a Facebook photo accumulation effort, learn to write exactly the kind of status updates that attract scads and scads of likes and comments, and get amazing at messaging girls

I get called "handsome" sometimes, but I'm not #1. And I've been working out since I was a teenager and I still don't have #2, which means it's probably never going to happen.

So for me, the only choice was #3, and because I'm a game enthusiast and essentially wanted to make sure I tapped every channel that was conceivably available to me, I did.

It was a LOT of work.

Way more work to get any one girl off Facebook than it was to get an equivalent girl in real life. Like, way more.

What's worse is it makes you lazy. You meet a girl, and instead of pushing things forward with her, you think, "Oh, wait... I've got this KILLER Facebook profile. That means I don't HAVE to push things forward with her - I'll just get her on my Facebook, and then it'll be over! I won't even have to do any work!"

So you trade Facebooks with her, and then... usually you never see her again.

The few times you do see the girl again though, you chalk it up to Facebook.

"Ah, my Facebook profile comes through again," you think.

But did it? Was it your amazing Facebook profile that pushed you over the hump with this girl? Sure, she commented on it... but the truth is, the girls you get who liked your Facebook probably liked you already.

It's just throwing another step in the funnel, and every step you add to a funnel reduces the percentage of women who make it to the end of the funnel (your bedroom).

Here's what I know:

  • Those people you connect with from high school are living a completely different life from you now (unless you're in a really small town) and you will never actually interact with them in real life again. So who cares if they think you're Internet cool?

  • Those hot girls you connect with from college are off doing their jobs, hanging out with their friends, and dating their boyfriends. They don't really care how cool your profile is, and you're probably not going to meet them. You had plenty of shots with them in college... if it was going to happen, it would've happened.

  • Those new people you're meeting whom you want to impress? They'll be a lot more impressed if you do it in person than over Facebook.

  • Those new women you're meeting that you want to make headway with? You'll be a lot more likely to take girls to bed if you push things forward with them when you're in person with them, than if you refer them to your Facebook page and hope it pushes the right buttons for them.

  • Those mega hotties you meet via Facebook? You can meet way more of them in a way shorter amount of time with way less work in real life via day game. And, you'll have a lot less competition (other guys doing the exact same thing you are to try to get them) on the street than you will in her Facebook inbox trying to nudge aside 100 other suitors.

Once I realized these things, and realized how much I was shooting myself in the foot with girls I was meeting by referring them to my Facebook, and how much I was sabotaging my efforts to get girls by changing my outings into Facebook photo collection safaris instead of "pick up a girl and take her home" missions where I held myself accountable for actual results instead of patting myself on the back for netting 10 great pictures and 5 new hot Facebook friends, I knew what I had to do: I shut my Facebook account down.

And you know what happened after that?

Immediately, I started getting better with girls again by leaps and bounds, and I saw an instant uptick in the number of phone numbers, dates, kisses, and new lovers I took.

But What About My Friends?

Whenever I have someone ask me how to meet girls on Facebook and I tell them don't meet girls on Facebook... in fact, don't be on there at all, they crack, put on a plaintive tone, and say, "But what about my FRIENDS? All my FRIENDS are on Facebook!"

meet girls on facebook

Aside from thinking of Facebook as just one more resource to get girls off of, this was the other thing I struggled with for the year that I wanted to leave Facebook but just... couldn't.

I'd spent all that time reconnecting with people and building this profile... now I was just going to - what? Throw it all away?

Something began to dawn on me, though. All my real friends had my phone number or email address.

They could always just CALL me! Or write me!

And I realized my real friends almost never visited my Facebook page. In fact, most of my real life friends never saw my last Facebook status update that I was leaving Facebook, and most of them didn't even realize I wasn't on there anymore until I told them, sometimes months later.

So who were all these people hanging out on my Facebook page?

They were voyeurs. People I didn't communicate with anymore through any other channels. Randoms I'd met in a bar somewhere in some town I'd probably never go to again. Classmates from high school and college living vicariously through me, the guy who'd broken out of the mold and was off living some eccentric wild man's life in California and Europe and Asia and every what where else. Former colleagues dropping by to say happy birthday who never wrote me any other time of the year and probably wouldn't have gone out for a drink with me even if I'd come back to town and given them a week's notice.

They weren't real friends. It was all an illusion.

A shallow ego-boost. Mark Zuckerberg's goal with Facebook is to "connect everyone in the world," but the connections built aren't real connections... it's not sharing a beer with your pal at the local bar, or taking some beautiful girl you just met home and making love to her, or shooting an email to your old pal you haven't spoken to in years to let him know how things have been going for you.

It's just... empty posturing. And they aren't your friends.

I put my email address on Facebook before I left. I said, if you want to get in touch with me, if we're friends in real life and not just online, shoot me an email sometime and let me know how things are going with you, and I'll write back and let you know how things are going with me, and let's really be friends.

Nobody who commented on that last status update of mine to beg me not to go or to say they were sorry to see me leaving ever did.

But I Really Want to Meet Girls on Facebook... Can You Tell Me HOW?!?

Chances are if you're on this site, you're a skeptic like me... you don't really believe anything anybody tells you until you've taken it for a spin yourself.

So if you're reading this and saying, "This Chase Amante guy is too down on Facebook... I think *I* can make it work!" don't let me stop you. In fact, it's the attitude you should have - if you don't try everything out, you won't ever really know for sure whether it really isn't as solid a channel for meeting girls as something else, or if you just got fed incorrect, biased information.

That in mind, let me share with you a few of the tips I accumulated over a few years of tweaking and testing my Facebook profile to help me get girls through it:

  1. A few GREAT pictures are better than a LOT of mediocre ones. Most guys who try to find girls on Facebook I see post tons and tons and tons of pictures. I did this at first too. After all, if you want to be popular on Facebook, you want to showcase as much of your life as possible, right?

    Actually, the Internet leads to some pretty harsh judging based off only a few pictures. If you've got 10 pictures up, and you look dead sexy in 5 of them, but ordinary in the other 5, she's going to go back and forth between, "Eh... he looks so hot in this one... but so meh in THIS one! I can't remember if I really LIKE him or not! Oh well... it's probably somewhere in the middle."

    Whereas if you only have the 5 pictures of you looking like a really sexy man in them up, you make it a lot easier for a girl to browse through your pictures and say, "Whoa, WHY am I not talking to him right now? Time to send him a message."

    You don't need a lot of pictures on Facebook. In fact, even if you've only got 6 or 7, if they're all really good you've instantly out-classed that guy with 4,000 pictures of his awesome party life in which he looks great in 600 of and ordinary or worse in 3,400 of.

  2. Don't try and be "top of mind." Always being on people's news feeds is not an attractive trait... it just makes it look like Facebook is your LIFE. It's much better to be the guy who DOESN'T keep popping up on her friend feed, and whom she either:

    1. Stumbles on in her friend page and thinks, "Oh yeah, HE was cute... how come I never hear anything from him? What's he up to these days?" or

    2. You reach out to out of the blue and she thinks that when she sees your message

    Just like in real life, it's a rookie mistake to throw all your value up so it's clear as day... a woman just assumes she knows everything about you, feels satisfied, and totally forgets about you, even if your life is wild or eccentric.

    But if she has no idea what's going on with you because you hardly post any updates... now she's intrigued.

  3. Keep your profile minimal. I don't know how this works in the age of timelines - timelines weren't introduced until some time after I'd removed my personal account, and I only briefly played around with it with the business's account here before taking that one down too - but back with the old profiles, you could have all kinds of stuff on them - group affiliations, things you liked, wall posts, status updates... the works. I nixed ALL that stuff.

    Those things are all distractions that pull the girl away from your photos and satisfy her curiosity about you. If there's nothing but a few great pictures, a couple of status updates, and an otherwise blank profile, she can't slake her curiosity about you, and it'll anywhere from bug her a bit to drive her crazy until she talks to you. The fewer things you have on your profile, the more likely you are to get girls talking to you... rather than get girls being overwhelmed by the unmanly accumulation of lots of pointless Internet "stuff" on your profile (chicks do this. Men should NEVER do this).

  4. Keep your messages BRIEF. It's come to my attention that Facebook severely restricts your ability to message people you don't know these days, so I don't know how you go about meeting new girls on Facebook... I can't help there. In my day, I'd just mass-message every beautiful girl in a 40-mile radius and see what I got back.

    What I CAN tell you is that writing long online messages is a kiss of DEATH with ANY girl on Facebook, whether you know her or not. If you've got more than two short paragraphs, or three really short paragraphs, in any one message, go back and revise it because you're probably not going to get a response. And even if you do get a response, she probably won't want to meet up with you now because you're chasing too hard.

    Want to meet her in real life and be something other than Internet pals? Keep it short, keep it brief, and get to the point (meeting up with her for food or a drink) in the first message, where possible - don't beat around the bush - keep the focus on setting up logistics. She knows that's why you're contacting her, anyway. Be a strong dude and just spit it out.

  5. Leave chat off - permanently. How many times have you sat there on chat waiting for that really hot girl to join, and being disappointed that she never does?

    Yeah, that's because the prettiest, most in-demand girls, and the coolest, most in-demand guys, don't use chat. You shouldn't either. It'll waste your time, and set you firmly in "guy who hangs out on Facebook all day and doesn't have much going on in his life" territory.

    If you want to talk to a girl, send her a message, don't stake her out in chat hoping she pops online so you can ambush her. Chicks don't dig that, trust me.

    Or, even better than sending her a message - ask her out in real life. Women appreciate that a lot more than getting a Facebook message to the same effect.

meet girls on facebookIf you do all these things, there's an added bonus there, too - you limit your tendency to go to extremes (as I did) and turn your life into an extension of your Facebook profile.

You may be able to turn Facebook into an effective channel for meeting new women. I used it to that effect, but it was a lot of work, and I found other channels (nightclubs, street, parties, other forms of online dating, even social circle, which I normally avoid due to its limitations) more efficient ways to get the same or better caliber girls than I got via Facebook.

Still, if I have one recommendation for you, it's that you not meet girls on Facebook - devote your time, energy, and resources to other forms of game instead, that produce more for your efforts, and translate a lot better into other spheres of pickup, too.

But I won't begrudge you if you don't listen.

After all... I never listen either.


UPDATE: perhaps one more reason to consider closing your Facebook account - science says it's bad for you, with findings that Facebook use negatively predicts happiness levels, with higher Facebook use precipitating declining life satisfaction levels (while I'm not convinced this is cause rather than correlation, regardless, if you're using Facebook more, you're increasingly unhappy).

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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Balla's picture

Hey chase, I would like you to explain this cute but not ready thing to me please because I feel like this is my only problem. My thing is basically this, I get a lot of girls I just don't get to the next level. I'm there but I'm not IN THERE you feel me. Like I said in person I'm like a star to them but when it comes to hang out or even reply to a text I have a hard time. I use everything you preach to almost an exact T. But the intimacy is where I'm having trouble at. I move fast, get numbers,deep dive,flirt,touch,show interest,dont chase. But it's Not working for me. Can you please explain in as much detail as you can about how to solve this problem. I have your products, read your website, have so much confidence in myself, and make myself look the best I can. Im getting frustrated and I'm really in shock that I'm not sleeping with these girls because I know I can do this and it should be so. Thank you chase, just give me a reply so I can know if you read it.

Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Balla,

I'll take a crack at it in a post. That's a hard one... I spent maybe even a few years on that plateau myself, trying to make my pickups work in spite of it. A lot of it relates to how experienced women judge you as being relative to themselves, and a lot of that is based on a bunch of tiny things you're doing. Age plays into this, too.

For instance, an American 24 year old girl with lots of experience with men tends to consider herself sharper in the social arena than 99% of American 24 year old men... they're "cute-but-not-ready" right from the start unless they quickly prove otherwise.

One thing you can do right now that helps is not talking about your age, or telling women you're older than you are (assuming you're reasonably young, or meeting women who are your age or older).

But I'll look to get an article up on that soon that goes a lot more in-depth on that one.


Anonymous's picture

Deleting my facebook.

Also question, when should the response "I know" (or similar) be used?

For example, I've used it like so:

Girl: I only went to coffee with you because I thought you were cute
Me: I know. *smirk*

or... instead of over-providing good feelings, I use it like this sometimes

Girl: You know.. you don't have to stick around..
Me: I know. *continue conversation*

I tend to get good responses to these, but are there better alternatives? How do you guys use it?

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Anon,

"I know" is prideful, which women find attractive (they have studies on this), but it's also a conversation-killer and mildly punishes a girl for good behavior (e.g., she compliments you, then gets smacked down somewhat with a prideful comment). Do it too much and you can put girls into auto-rejection.

But there's another risk, too: if a compliment is somewhat patronizing - and the compliments you shared are a bit this - the girl's actually signaling that she feels somewhat in-control and safe around you, which is the opposite of what you want. And when you get those kinds of comments, you want to respond by gently shooting them down and throwing some confusion the girl's way... so she stops feeling in-charge.

A better way to respond to comments is to either self-deprecate if they're things you want to really stick in her mind, e.g.:

Girl: Wow, you're pretty smart.

Guy: I've just got a good memory. It makes people think I'm smart.


Girl: It's amazing what you've been able to accomplish.

Guy: Well, I've had more opportunities than most. I think anyone could do the same things as me if presented with the same opportunities.

or, if they're compliments that come across more like the girl is saying something to you that she wouldn't dare say to a strong, sexy guy, you want to either throw the compliment right back at her, or turn it around into a challenge or chase frame. e.g.:

Girl: I only went to coffee with you because I thought you were cute.

Guy: You know what's funny?

Girl: What?

Guy: That's the only reason I went to coffee with you too.

(use that on a girl with lower self-esteem who's trying a bit too hard to get you), or

Girl: I only went to coffee with you because I thought you were cute.

Guy: Geez... girls are always trying to flatter their way into my pants.

(use that on a girl with higher self-esteem who's being nice-but-patronizing).

Regarding, "You know... you don't have to stick around," that's a challenge, but depending on the context, it can actually be a challenge a girl uses when she WANTS you to escalate things and is trying to gauge your interest. If it's a normal challenge (e.g., you just met her and she's effectively saying, "Shoo!"), you've got to decide if you want to hang in there anyway or gracefully exit from a girl who isn't interested. Your options:

Girl: You know... you don't have to stick around.

Guy: I admire your coyness. So then I was... [story continues]

(that's if you're going to plow ahead regardless of disinterest... often doesn't work, though), or

Girl: You know... you don't have to stick around.

Guy: Would you like me to go?

This one is an escalation gambit where you're forcing the girl to choose between either really committing to talking with you and being with you, or outright asking you to leave. She'll try to evade giving you a straight answer, and you'll refuse to let up until you get one. So she'll say, "I just mean, if you want to go, you should go," and you'll say, "Well, I'm enjoying talking with you, at least for now. But if the enjoyment is solely on this side of the table, you should let me know now, because otherwise I'm just going to monopolize your entire night thinking you're having a blast with charming old me."

Then she knows what the stakes are and chooses either to see you go or see you stay.

If it's later in the interaction and you know she wants you and she says something like that, she's asking you to give her a sign that you like her and escalate. So your response should be:

Girl: You know... you don't have to stick around.

Guy: [slowly, sexy] But then I'd miss out on enjoying your company.

Girl: I'm enjoying your company too.

Guy: You know, we've both been here too long. Let's get out of here and go grab a nightcap.

And then you take her home.


Anonymous's picture

Thanks, this helps a lot with fine tuning my conversationalist skills. It's the little stuff here and there that tends to bug me, because I've hammered down on the fundamentals (to the point where girls stutter when I say hi, or get approached daily).

Could we get some articles on fine tuning? Or some conversation examples?

Zac's picture

i'm glad your post are always direct to the point, you keep it warmth, elaborate your story, relate it to the audience. You point out what is real and happening in this world and not just some gimmick or any mambo jumbo stuff. I think it's really cool to have a mentor that's level headed, but sure does he enjoy his women and stuff which i'm sure you do. HAHA! It relates to me how i been doing this subconsciously for the past few years. Almost all your article, i just could not understand how and why women turn cold or auto reject me, even in front of their BOYFRIENDS. Yea it's crazy. then how you tell a lot about emphasizing fundamentals first, and be a natural and also have a systematic road to be a great lover. Your articles just put everything in place for me to steer on. :) If u come to Singapore, we shall run around town, shall we? :D Thanks man.

Chase Amante's picture

Hi Zac,

Thanks for the kind words, man. Very excellent that the tone of the content is hitting right for you and you're getting the message loud and clear: it's all about your fundamentals. Advanced seduction techniques mean squat if your posture is poor and eye contact lacking and voice tone is flat. Amazing how much that fundamental stuff makes the world go 'round.

It's been about 4 years since I was last in Singapore, but it's a good town, for sure. Very dense (I like that), and packed with legions of beautiful women (I like that too). It's a bonus that they all speak English!

It gets hard keeping track of who's in what city, but if I think I'll be there, I'll try to remember to drop a note on the blog about it for you (or anyone in town there who wants to meet up) to get in touch!


Zac's picture

Sounds great. It's a bit ambitious comment here for me to put it. but anything is possible. :D Hope you have a great day.

Franco's picture

I guess I'm getting to know you pretty well... I actually anticipated a lot of what you wrote here, haha.

I agree with a lot of what you've posted here, and I definitely think Facebook is not the way to go to meet women. When I asked my original question, I actually wasn't even implying that guys should try to meet women on Facebook -- in fact, I think it's an absolutely terrible idea. I'm glad that you posted this, though, because I do see guys out there commenting on countless status updates of an individual girl they are interested in (especially the "damsel-in-distress" type posts) where he puts her on a pedestal by saying that "she deserves better" or that "she should be around her 'real' friends in life."

I think I just had an epiphany. Facebook is a breeding ground for White Knights!

But anyway, if I was to give any advice to people trying to bed a girl who they've happened to add on Facebook before actually bedding her, my advice would be to do absolutely nothing. The only girls that I've slept with who I was friends with on Facebook first were the ones who eventually commented on one of my status updates asking to hang out because it "seems like we have X in common!" or that she "loves to do Y! Let's do it together some time!" One minor pro to Facebook is that, if she's interested enough, Facebook is probably the easiest place for her to be "brave" and make a very subtle hint to get together. Just make sure to take action quickly once you've piqued her interested!

With that being said, Chase, maybe you can elaborate further for me. The interactions that I am more interested in on Facebook are with the girls that turn into multi-month-long flings or relationships. I've noticed that, as soon as I've slept with a girl, it is usually her mission to find out as much as she can about me, and this has often included adding me on Facebook.

Now I know that your opinion is just to get rid of Facebook in general because your friends on there aren't really your friends, but this is probably the one section where I disagree. I've often reconnected or partied with friends that have randomly hit me up on Facebook that I definitely NEVER would have heard from again had they not been "friends" with me on there in the first place. Sometimes they've even given me their phone number right then if I didn't already have it and we would end up connecting more in the future if we found out that we got along well. It really depends on how you use Facebook... I've been an avid Facebook user for a long time, and I definitely do not see myself deleting my account any time soon -- even for the sake of picking up women. I am sure there are many people that feel the same way.

For those of us who want to maintain a Facebook profile and be "in a relationship" or in long flings with girls that have added us on Facebook, how should we interact with them? I know you may not have experience here, but my guess would be to allow "your girl" to post whatever she wants to post, but keep your Facebook profile rather quiet on your end. Posting pictures of you two together or making status updates about how "wonderful" or "amazing" she is would seem to set expectations that you will always do this or, even worse, put her on a pedastal. This is how I view it, but if you have any views on this type of situation, feel free to share. =)

Thanks for the quick reply with this article!

- Franco

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Franco,

You anticipated a lot of it, huh... Am I that predictable? :)

Good point on Facebook serving as a white knight breeding ground. A lot of women use it as an orbiter recruiting tool, too... when you push for quick contact info with a girl you really haven't "connected" with in-person, a lot of times she'll counter trading phone numbers with you with asking you if you have Facebook. I do get a certain small satisfaction out of the expression on these girls faces when you say "no"... it's such an integral part of their lives, they can't understand how you can NOT have Facebook.

It's even better when you're dating a girl who does this to guys (and most Western women do, these days). It's a kind of anti-submission device... she so used to being able to add most men she meets into her Facebook orbit, when you're not on there and you're an important person in her life, it's a noticeable absence.

I can understand Facebook having some utility; I'm not the ultimate authority on the medium, I was just on it for a couple of years. You might have a different usage pattern than I do. I'm also a lot less interested in general socializing with friends, social circles, etc., than most people these days... the more "different" your life gets, the less you have in common with most of the people you've met along the way, and you start focusing on other things like goals and projects rather than hanging out and shooting the breeze.

A secondary reason I took down my Facebook profile was drama prevention. Even after I disable wall posts on my Facebook, girls would still get into small-scale wars commenting on my status updates trying to one-up each other telling me I was sexy or they wanted me or that they loved me and their family members said "hi" and all kinds of dramatic things. This was pretty bad for maintaing relationships. It looks really cool on the Facebook page, but it's not so cool when you're dealing with frequent dramatic flare ups with the women in your life.

I'd keep quiet on your end, yeah. If she wants to post stuff, it's okay; it actually serves to intrigue and attract the girls who are interested in you, because they'll notice things going up with you tagged in them on girls' profiles, but nothing going up on your profile. That implies that the relationship is very important to the girl, but not terribly so to you... which means you're already preselected, but might still be ripe for the picking.

Of course, your strategy of waiting for the girls to come to you works best here... if you chase a girl on Facebook, and she sees another girl is chasing you, it makes that girl look low value by default (she's over you, you're over her, so that girl is lower value than she is and thus not a good measure for how preselected you are). If you don't do any chasing, she won't know how she stacks up to that other girl, and might even suspect the other girl outranks her, thus increasing your desirability (you're desired by a higher ranking female than her).


Anonymous's picture

Chase, this is a brilliant post. I know you draw a distinction between Facebook and online dating but it seems your arguments against using Facebook are applicable to any virtual world/website in general. One of the best reasons to NOT have Facebook is that it makes you more mysterious, less available- thus more sexy. Especially in the 18-22 college age range, not having a Facebook absolutely makes you stand out with the people.. in a good way ;)

- anon

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Anon,

True to an extent. The things on looks and photos are cross-platform, and true for both Facebook AND online dating.

Online dating's a somewhat better medium for meeting women than Facebook is... there are fewer distractions (primarily just other men on there competing for her attention, but most of them don't know what they're doing), and you've got a higher success rate just simply because if she's ON there, you already know she wants to meet somebody. It's much more efficient to use.

You can also find different online dating "environments"... e.g., when I was just starting out with online dating, I found a website that offered women free accounts and men $50 accounts. Well, there were pages and pages of girls who were active on there, some of them extremely cute, but only a few men willing to pay $50 to join a smaller online dating site. Because I was pretty much the only guy on there with decent pictures and good game, I had the pick of the litter among the girls on that site and took some very attractive, and very memorable (if a little crazy) lovers off of there (sadly, it's a defunct site now, and everybody's left it... just spambots on there the last time I checked a few years back).

You're right on how big not making a Facebook account makes you stand out among 18 to 22 year olders... that was primarily the demographic I was thinking of when referring to the wide-eyed, mouth-agape stare you get when you tell some women you don't have Facebook. Because Facebook is her social life, it's sort of like telling her you don't date. It just breaks her logic and she can't compute why anyone WOULDN'T date... and then she wants to know what you do instead.


Richard's picture

Hey Chase, great article! You must be some sort of magician because you always post a specific article for whatever questions I have at any given time. This one for example, I've been over the discussion boards talking about Facebook, and here's an article. Anyway, down to the grit. I'm keeping my Facebook for one reason, there is only one girl I'm interested in, and I want to try to get her number, or establish a date (id prefer the number atm), and if I get it, I'm severing my connections to Facebook. That being said, she's grounded until next Saturday (she's 18, as am I), like you said street game is totally different than cyber game, what would be the best way to get her number?

Thomas's picture

Thank you so much Chase, for helping me realize the truth about facebook. Over the last few days I realized that I am truly a sensitive individual, but that my lack of rationalization skills makes it hard for me to not only explain problems to others, but for me to even understand why I feel a certain way (in this case, negativity) about something, if it's subtle enough.

You REALLY put a logical perspective on this facebook problem for me. I'm am SO glad that I read this post today, and not next month. I'll be deactivating my account shortly.

Thankyou again.

P.S. You should do a post on marijuana use and game !

Paul96's picture

Would it lower my perceived social value I meet a girl in real life and she wants to add me on facebook and I say I don't have one? Wouldn't it make me a social outcast like all her friends would have facebook. Personally I have a terrible profile and if a girl saw it she would think "what a looser"

jlf's picture

I would have to disagree with your statement "you can meet way more of them in a way shorter amount of time with way less work in real life via day game." I would disagree, because with Facebook, you have a lot more control over your environment. With day game, not only do you have to block off the time to actually do it, but you have to go to the right spots, at the perfect time. With Facebook, you can message girls while multi-tasking (watching TV, being at work, etc). Plus, you can see more 8's, 9's, in 10 minutes by doing a search than you probably will in one full week of day game. Now, do you have a better shot with a girl you met in the street than one you randomly messaged on Facebook? Probably yes, but to say that daygame is less work than Facebook is not really accurate IMO

Jiron's picture

People shouldn't be using Facebook to meet women, to begin with. Women don't use it primarily as a tool to meet men, so random messages from other men can be creepy for them.

However, Facebook is an excellent way for you to showcase your lifestyle and personality to people that you meet on dating sites/offline. If you aren't using it, you are missing out ultimately. The whole thing about referring women to your Facebook and letting it do ALL the work for you, that's just being lazy. And for some unknown reason, a lot of men who get into the seduction game are incredibly lazy at working for what they want. They still want the pick-up lines, or the magic words that make a woman wet, instead of actually putting in the hard work and becoming a better man. You still need to do a follow up, talk to the woman and arrange a date... not unlike meeting them in person, getting their number and texting them.

In response to JLF's comment above (who probably wouldn't see this at all), having more control over the Facebook environment is an illusion. Facebook has made it difficult for you simply because they shifted all random messages from non-friends into a different folder, and not notify you if you receive a message from a random stranger. That in itself already stops messages from possibly being read at all. You'd have so much more luck with online dating sites instead.

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