How to Ask a Girl Out (the 8 Great Steps to "Yes!")


how to ask a girl outA little after I'd turned 14 years old, I asked a girl out for the first time. I walked up to her in front of the entire school, and flat out asked her to go to the school dance at the end of the year with me.

She was the prettiest, most popular girl in school, and she'd flirted with me and chased after me hard for close to a year -- in fact, she'd already asked me out about 6 months earlier (I'd been too scared to say "yes"). But by the time I finally asked her out, she'd largely given up on me -- the window had passed, and she'd moved on.

I didn't know about escalation windows at the time, though I guessed something like that might be the case -- and sure enough, she said "no," albeit in a very socially gracious way. She told me she wanted "to be friends first," which I knew meant we weren't going to the dance together.

The reason I share this story with you is because what I want to talk about with you in this post today is how to ask a girl out -- and my 14 year old self got it all wrong. I'd been planning to write a post on this for some time, but a reader just wrote in asking about this one specifically -- so, I'll put this one off no longer. He says:

Man chase I really have been in a funk lately. I'm back in school and I feel like a social retard now lol! I need some advice, I really need help with asking girls out on dates and what that actually looks like you know? I'm reading your articles and a lot of it is making sense but closing the deal and getting dates is weird for me. I guess I really haven't actually asked a girl out on a proper date before my last GF I got with because I was able to escalate things with her fast.

Hey brother, I'm glad to oblige. In answer to your question, I present to you (and all the other cats out there with the same thing on their minds) this post, which will teach you -- emphatically, unequivocally, and without fluff, huff, or pomp of any kind -- how to ask a girl out... and always (or almost always, anyway!) get a "yes."

 

how to ask a girl out

I'm planning on going fairly in-depth into helping you to get yourself schooled up and solid enough on the topic of how to ask a girl out and get a "yes" in this post. We're going to cover a lot of ground here today.

So on that note, I've split this article up into two subsections. That way, if you're just skimming for the main points, or don't have a lot of time to get all the way through it all, you can take a look through these 3 most vital points now, and then you can come back to the rest later when you have more time or need more tips.

Let's dive into the 3 essential tips you can start using right away to start getting you some "yes"es.

 

How to Ask a Girl Out: Strike While the Iron's Hot

This one ought to be obvious enough just from that story of mine I shared at the start of this post -- wait too long and the window closes.

But yet, no matter how many times this happens to a guy, many guys keep making this same mistake. I know it sure plagued me for a long time.

That mistake, of course, is the mistake of waiting to ask a girl out until it's too late.

In other words, the guy who's sitting around, biding his time, waiting for the "perfect moment"... and then of course he ends up waiting forever, because the "perfect moment" never arrives.

How often have you had a girl you really liked, that you were waiting for the "perfect moment" to ask out? Probably pretty often, right? If you're like I used to be back in school, you probably have 1 or 2 girls at all times that you're just waiting for the right moment for... and you might very well end up waiting on that moment forever.

Well, new news: women don't wait around forever. They've got options. Competition's fierce.

What that means for you is, if you wait around, you don't get the girl.

On top of that, because attraction has an expiration date, the longer you wait to make something happen with a woman, the lesser her attraction for you becomes -- and the more likely she is to be closed off to doing anything with you.

That means, you ought to ask girls out soon. Like, as soon as you realize you like them, just about, you ask them out. Not a week after you decide you like a girl; not a month later. You ask her out within a few days of realizing you'd like to ask her out -- preferably, you ask her out within a few minutes of realizing you'd like to ask her out.

The less time elapses between the moment you realize you'd like to ask a girl out, and the moment you start your feet moving to go over to talk to her and ask her out, the higher the likelihood is that both A) you ask her out at all, ever, and B) she says "yes."

And I know, that's a little intimidating -- especially if she's really cute and you like her a lot. "Because," you might ask yourself, "what if she says 'no?'"

But here's something else to think about -- what if you never ask her? How many days and nights will you spend tearing yourself up inside just thinking about her wondering, fantasizing, dreaming -- when all you had to do was ask?

Here's what asking right away does for you:

  • It greatly increases the odds you get her while she's still receptive to you

  • It gets you an answer, now, definitively, so you aren't left wondering forever

  • It allows you to start actually spending time with her, if she says "yes," instead of spending time thinking about her -- much less fun

  • It starts getting you experience and starts training you to have an easier and easier time talking to girls and asking them out.

At worst, asking a girl out right away compels you to realize that a girl saying "no" isn't the end of the world. And at best... you end up with your dream girl.

See why this is a good thing?

 

Don't Make the Asking Out a Big Deal

"Miss," I asked that girl back in 8th grade, in front of pretty much the entire school, "would you do me the honor of accompanying me to our graduation dance?"

Nope, I wasn't trying to be cute. Yep, I was dead serious.

And yeah, no, don't do that.

I guess if you lived on the American frontier or you were a sea captain in jolly old England a hundred years ago or something, formality and big-deal-making was a nifty way of having stuff feel special.

Now it just makes everybody nervous. Who wants to be invited on some big, fancy date?

The order of the day in the modern era is "casual." Nobody goes and does formal courtship anymore. In fact, the only time you'll ever even hear women talking about how much they wished a man would ask them on a formal date is when they're near the end of their twenties, and they start talking about how they've had their fill of one-night stands and bad boys and now they're finally ready to have a gentleman come and court them and eventually marry them and take care of them.

Meantime, of course, while some guy is courting them, they're often still having casual things going on with the less formal guys. I know, because I've been both of those guys.

Whatever you might hear otherwise, women don't like formal dates. They don't respond to them. They might think it's a classy, romantic idea, but formal dates don't get women in your bed, and they don't get women being your lovers or your girlfriends the majority of the time either.

Formal dates kinda suck.

So then what do you do? You simplify your dates -- more on this later -- and you ask women out in a super chill, casual way.

Like so:

Hey Becky, what's your schedule like this week? Let's grab some food or a drink.

Boom, done. Not so hard once the formality's gone. Don't kill yourself trying to figure out exactly the perfect thing to say -- you're just asking her out.

 

Ask a Girl Out on a High Note

Another lesson you can take away from that early attempt on my part back in 1997: don't just walk up to her and ask her out of the blue (or when she's in the middle of talking to all of her friends with about 200 people standing around watching).

Instead, ask her out on a high note.

how to ask a girl out

If you want to know how to ask a girl out and get a "yes" almost every single time, this one is absolutely the key to the whole thing. You ask her out when she's enjoying talking to you -- and she's going to say "yes."

You know when most inexperienced guys ask a girl out? It's either:

  • Out of the blue, like 14 years old me,
  • While she's in the midst of conversation with other people, like 14 years old me, or
  • As a conversation with her is circling the drain and it feels like it's now or never.

Rephrased, most guys ask girls out when:

  • It feels random and awkward, or
  • It feels like there's no connection between them and, again, it's awkward.

No wonder so many guys are terrified to ask girls out, and/or not all that good at it. They ask at the wrong damn times in the wrong damn situations!

Honestly, if some random guy started talking to you, and then you guys talked and talked, and then started running out of conversation, and then it started feeling a little awkward, and then he was like, "Hey buddy, we should go grab a pizza and some beer some time," how excited are you to say yes?

Now compare that to some random guy who's started talking to you, and he feels like your long lost best friend, and the two of you are in the middle of laughing at some story he just told, and he says, "Hey pal, we ought to go grab a cheeseburger later this week."

On that second one, you're probably going to say, "Sure man, let's do it!"

Why? Because it was proposed on a high note.

In the very first article I send to subscribers when you sign up for my free newsletter -- signup form at the end of this article -- I discuss the most important difference between men and women.

And that difference is how acutely women listen to their emotions. Women don't decide things because they logically make sense; women decide things because they emotionally do.

And even for men like us, who don't rely on feeling as much as women do, when someone asks you to spend more time with them when you're already enjoying spending time with them, in the very midst of that enjoyment, like in that second example above, you're certainly going to agree, almost always.

And when they ask you to spend more time with them when it feels weird or awkward or random or challenging to keep spending time with them, like in that first example above, you're likely to decline, because you don't want to be feeling that again.

The emotion is key.

So what high notes do you look for?

  1. She's laughing
  2. She's telling you a lot about herself
  3. She's staring at you like she wants to grab you and tear your clothes off

Things like that. If she's smiling and talking with you and laughing, that's a pretty good indication she's enjoying herself with you -- and that she'd be open to spending more time with you and enjoying more interaction and conversation with you. Ask her out.

 

how to ask a girl out

Still not ready to start asking women out like crazy? Well, I've got a few more insights on how to ask a girl out to help you step up your game there -- so you're in luck.

 

Pick a Simple Date Idea

... and avoid complication at all costs.

No ice-skating, hot air balloon rides, paintball death matches, or trips to Paris. It's a date... it's for you to get to know a girl and for her to get to know you.

The problem with the really complicated, fantastic date ideas is that they become both logistical nightmares, and often can even be intimidating for a girl to say "yes" to.

To get a handle on what I'm talking about, picture a girl who really likes a guy, and wants to go on a date where the two of them sit and talk and get to know one another, but then he asks her to go play laser tag.

"I'm not really the laser tag type..." she says, hoping he'll just ask her to go somewhere chill instead.

"Oh," he says, feeling rejected, "all right." And then he walks away. No date.

What just happened?

Overactive dates that try to be too "fun" can oftentimes end up being too much for girls and they'll say "no"... even when they like you.

I'll give you the reverse scenario: I've had girls I liked and wanted to get to know better, but they asked me to go to parties with them or go on some crazy adventure like going rock-climbing or something of that nature, and I've turned them down. Why? Because I didn't really want to do those things, and I figured nothing would happen.

Nothing's going to happen at a party date where you're surrounded by a ton of her friends. You won't get to know her much better there, and you can't get together with her in front of 30 people.

And nothing's going to happen with the two of you rappelling down a cliff face. You'll be too tired afterward for anything to happen then, either.

And besides, maybe she just doesn't have the energy or the inclination to go do wild parties or hike a couple of miles.

Those are great things to do with friends, and activity partners, but they're not so great things to do with someone you're really attracted to and want to be with. And women will sometimes even flat out refuse these things because they don't want the guy to inadvertently kill the attraction they have for him by accidentally plopping himself into the platonic guy pal zone.

Bad news you may not be aware of: many of the girls who say "no" to fun dates would rather just get to know you than do off-the-wall activities, and many of the girls who say "yes" to fun dates really just want to have fun -- and could care less who they're going with. They're there for the date, not for you, and you odds of doing anything other than having a nice friendly outing are pretty low.

This isn't always true, but it is a lot more often than you might think.

But guys often take women's refusal to go on these sorts of high-energy crazy "fun" dates as a universal refusal, when it might just be the activity a girl was rejecting -- not them.

To get around this, stay away from inviting girls on crazy wild fun dates, and just invite them on relaxed ones where you can talk.

A few ideas:

  • Take her on a picnic
  • Take her to the beach
  • Meet her at a café close to your home
  • Meet her at a chill lounge or quiet bar nearby for a drink
  • Have her come over to your place to cook or watch a movie

Pick a date template -- something simple -- stick to it, and you should be fine. It's only when guys try to be crazy and overly clever that it blows up in their faces. All you really need is something laid back where the two of you can talk and get to know each other and build connections... keep it straightforward and she'll probably say "yes."

how to ask a girl out

 

Let a Girl Tell You When Works Best for Her

One really common mistake I see guys making is trying to shoehorn women into their schedule with no consideration for the girl's own schedule.

So like, the guys who are over-focused on being an alpha male will do things like tell a woman:

Let's do Thursday at 8 o'clock.

... only to have that woman come back and tell them

Oh, sorry, I'm busy on Thursday.

Which builds up a lot of negative compliance.

Oops.

What I started doing a while back and works great is the innovative (get ready for it) process of... just plain asking a girl when works best for her.

See, I'm no groundbreaker here... just doing simple stuff that gets it done.

So, instead of tossing out some time that who knows if she'll be free or not, or whether it's an inconvenient time for her or not and she'll likely flake, I let her pick the day, and her pick the time.

It goes like this:

Me: We should grab a drink or a bite some time this week.

Her: Yeah, definitely!

Me: When's good for you... what's your schedule look like?

Her: Umm, let's see. I'm really packed most of the week... oh, but I could do, Friday night, or maybe Sunday afternoon?

Me: Okay, great. Sunday afternoon would be perfect. Let's say 1 o'clock maybe?

Her: 1 o'clock works fine.

Me: Perfect. Let's say 1 o'clock then; meet me at my subway station maybe? And we'll grab some food? That sound good?

Her: Okay, that's perfect! I'll see you on Sunday then!

Me: Cool beans. See you Sunday, Christie.

No rejection from her on date or time. No wondering what to do when girls flake -- because flakes largely disappear.

You're seeing her on a date at a time that works fine for her -- that makes it easy for her to say yes, and easy for her to not miss it.

It's the path of least resistance. Make it as easy for her to say "yes" in the moment and show up on the day of your date as you can without overextending yourself.

 

After Date and Time, You Handle Everything Else

There was a time in my life when I used to ask girls, "So, what do you want to do? Do you want to see a movie, get some food, check out the shopping mall...?"

That time passed, long ago.

Reason being, most girls don't like having to make the decisions. They want to be able to just relax and let you be the leader. It takes work to make decisions, and frankly, most women are the same as most people -- the more decisions you take care of for them, the happier they'll be, so long as the decisions you make are good enough that they don't have to disagree or fight them.

So, after we've found a time that works for her schedule and I can fit into my schedule, I stop asking for her to figure things out. I just make proposals and ask her if those proposals work for her.

Also, on the same note, you really don't want to let girls plan the date for logistical reasons, either. If she has an idea, it's usually better that you can't make it -- unless that idea is conducive to seduction.

Just a few such terrible date ideas for the record:

  • Let's go hiking
  • Let's go to a party
  • Let's go to a nightclub
  • Let's all hang out with my friends
  • Let's go shopping
  • Let's go to a movie
  • Let's go to some kind of group activity
  • Let's go to a networking event

These all fall under the category of "bad first date." Or bad second, third, or fourth date too, for that matter.

Why do they make for bad dates?

Because they violate those 5 Cs of Dating I mentioned in the article just linked to. For a refresher, those 5 Cs are:

  1. Cheap (nothing too expensive)
  2. Convenient (something easy)
  3. Conversation (to get to know her)
  4. Covert (not involving anyone other than the two of you)
  5. Control (you plan and handle everything)

A good first date is:

  • At a café where you can sit and talk
  • At a park or the beach, preferably with some food
  • Having an ice cream or a coffee
  • At your place -- cooking dinner, having drinks, "hanging out," watching a movie, studying, etc.

How's that going to help you asking a girl out?

Simple. A big part of the reason why guys get nervous asking girls out is because they don't know exactly what they're doing. Well, if you choose one of those good first date ideas, you're going to know exactly what you're doing: you're taking her on a date she'll like, where the two of you can get to know each other, and that'll be conducive to the both of you potentially becoming lovers if things go well.

If you're inexperienced, perhaps skip having her come over to your place unless you're really feeling it. The rest of those should feel totally safe though.

 

If She Says "No"... Don't Give Up!

I remember when I used to get this surge of fear and adrenaline before asking a girl out. Like I was going to get stabbed in the hip or something if she didn't want to go out with me.

The funny thing is, it's just a "no." The stock market doesn't explode, the polar ice caps don't melt, and nobody posts a video of you getting rejected online for the world to see (or at least, hopefully not).

The worst possible thing that could happen is she says "no," and you go on with your life.

But you shouldn't just take a "no" at face value.

If she says "no," unless it's incredibly harsh and you just want to hightail it out of there (and that's very rare), play it off. Be a little dramatic. Put your hand over your heart, gasp, and look away. "Jennifer! You break my heart. All I want to do is be your knight in shining armor!"

She'll laugh. You make your exit, perhaps with another quip. "I want you to reconsider this over the next couple of days, okay? Because some day you're going to be sitting there, thinking back to this day, and you're going to say to yourself, 'Damn it, when John asked me out, I should've said yes!'"

And she'll probably laugh again.

And if she does, you are in. Maybe not that time. But ask her out a week later, and she's probably going to say "yes." And if she doesn't, rinse and repeat.

It might sound silly, but you being unfazed when she says "no" is one of the most crazy attractive things you can do around a woman. Persistence is attractive to women like few other things are.

Don't believe it? Try it out. Then come back and let me know how it worked out. You may be quite surprised. Even guys women thought they'd never go out with get dates this way... I've heard plenty of stories of men who've done exactly this. And I've pulled off a few of these myself, too.

Persistence pays off. Don't take "no" so seriously.

how to ask a girl out

 

Be Cool When She Says "Yes"

Yes, it's awesome that she said she'll go out with you. That doesn't mean cartwheels and victory chants are in order in (well, not in earshot, anyway).

A lot of less experienced guys, when a girl says "yes" to them, they either get really excited... or they get really weird and awkward.

Needless to say, you don't want to go either of those routes, so be prepared for that and prime yourself to be normal after you ask her.

How do you do that? You make a personal note -- internally, before you ever go talk to her -- that no matter what she says, you're going to be cool.

And after you ask her out and she gives you her answer, you're going to continue the conversation on as if nothing else had happened.

Here's what you won't do:

  • Get really excited
  • Get really nervous
  • Start talking to her about the date
  • Start telling her you're really glad she said yes
  • Start trying to plan out logistics or timing or scheduling
  • Do or discuss anything overly factual or logical

Here's what you will do:

  • Talk to her exactly the same as you were before
  • Pick up on a topic you were on before you asked her out if you need one

Mind goes blank? Ask her what she's got planned for the rest of the day -- that's an easy one. Just make it smooth, natural, and make sure she doesn't have any cause for concern about her decision to say "yes!"

If you stick with these tips and insights on how to ask a girl out, I'm confident you're going to start getting just about every girl you ask on a date agreeing to go out with you.

At the very least, you'll be a very hard guy for a girl to say "I'd like to be friends first" to!

Always,
Chase Amante

Here's to all your "yes"es!

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Comments

Chad's picture

Great post Chase! Is there


Great post Chase! Is there anything you do differently when asking her out through a phone call or text?

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Great post Chase! Is there

Author

Hey Chad,

I do treat the two mediums a bit differently, yeah.

Phone I use more conversation. Like,

Her: [story, laughs]

Me: [laughs] That's hilarious. Let's grab some food this week or something.

Her: Yeah, that would be cool.

Me: Rock on. What's your schedule like over the next few days?

Text I'm more to the point:

Me: Hey Kelly, how's your week going? Hope you kicked that test's ass back to Calculus I. We should grab a drink this week -- let me know what your schedule's like.

Primarily because there's a big delay in texting, and you want to avoid that pregnant feeling in the air of, "Okay, I know he's going to ask, he's just building up to it..."

So you just get it out there right away and avoid any awkwardness. In phone, it happens fast, so you can progress things normally from a conversational standpoint and let it unfold a little more first and get buy-in before scheduling it up.

Chase

mcguyver's picture

new poster, just saying that


new poster, just saying that your stuff is helpful. That is all :)
I see this as a way of repairing our social anxiety and ill-adjusted social behaviours. "Inner Game", as the silly PUA guys call it. I stopped reading that stuff when I turned 16. 22 Now and got my first 'crush' in 2 years. What a doozie that can be at such a young inexperienced age

New poster, also's picture

chase


great post chase it worked on my dream girl

ramanda's picture

rotc


hello well it is seem that like this girl in rotc who help me with 30 command and i want to get something for and i want to like to be my girlfriend and want to ask her out so i have facebook and i want her to be my facebook friend wjth her so what do think i should do get her a gift like camera phone or chocolates or something else

Anonymous's picture

keep ur kewl


Ok, first u need to know that u r so lucky to have ROTC. I was looking all over for it and I wanted to join. Anyways, here's what u do. Don't do anything to serious. And if she's real serious about ROTC then try to be friends and get to know her better. Once she's comfertable with u or she's not serious then do this. Say " hey, thanks for (what she helped u with) it really ment alot to me, mabye I could take u out for lunch sometimes to return the favor." or something like that. If she says something that sounds like a no, try something different. But don't wig out and be all crazy. And again, if she's serious about ROTC get to be her friend and then ask her.

Good luck,

Anonymous

Lorden's picture

bad idea


You will probably think I'm crazy. But it's a bad idea. Because if you give her more than one gift she will take a mental note and use you to buy stuff for her. Trust me.

Clare's picture

Girls


Not true.

Ryan's picture

having good social skills first


Hey Chase I just had a question. Great article by the way! Anyway, wouldn't you say that before a guy tries to ask girls out on dates, that he should be adept socially with all types of people first? I would say that I'm lacking socially with people in general. Should a guy first practice his social skills in general and then move up to asking women out? Thanks

James Lim's picture

Questions


Hey nice post but i have a question. What if you dont have class together but you always see each other in campus, then how would i approach her then?

Matt's picture

It Works


OMG Thank Chase i got the worlds best girl who i have had a crush on (Destiny)

Anonymous's picture

im no expert at this, but


im no expert at this, but after reading the advice, i say you should avoid texts because it makes them feel a bit angry... if you call her, stay calm and have a simple plan. when she says yes, just keep having a conversation with her. I think what chase was saying was they judge on emotions and if you get too excited or give them a vibe you don't care as much, the girl would go on some emotional cycle of anger, sadness, or hysteria, even. i have 4 sisters and they all hate getting texts asking them out. good luck with whoever you ask out, and try to keep it simple.

ps: dont call her between
9:30 pm and 8:45 [thats when it feels over controling ] i have a coupla friends who did that and she yelled at him for not letting her sleep or not letting her wake up completely.

Anonymous's picture

Don't ask them out over text


Don't ask them out over text

jaykk's picture

just did ask her out over


just did ask her out over text... She said yes! First girlfriend ever! I love this page. I read this last night and voila, you rock man!

PrehistoricMan's picture

I once asked a girl out on a


I once asked a girl out on a FB message. she said yes.

Today I realize it has most to do with the "escalation window" Chase often talks about.

I had barely spoken with this girl at my spanish language school and our first real interaction was my asking her out, something I did impulsively and that was so "NOT ME". She ended up losing her virginity with me

Some months later I asked (IN PERSON) a very similar girl (in terms of personality) and that I met at the same language school in the same exact way, with the exception that I had spent a lot of time small-talking and be nice and conversational etc.. she answered "I don't know, I have a lot to do" and then went cold. Basically she answered No.

Of course I hadn't read anything like the articles on this website or other PickUp and Masculinity material like I am doing now.

I just get now that the difference between the two situations was the timing.

Anonymous's picture

No just no


You will have a bigger chance of success if you ask a girl out in public.

Anonymous's picture

if she says maybe?


QUICK QUESTION: what if she says maybe or i'll think about it. do you wait for her to make a decision, or remind her about it every day or something like that? Maybe even tell her to make up your mind right now!!!..lol joking.

and...

the part where you said don't talk about the date when she says yes.... only if you need to know her schedule right???

Migz's picture

Maybe means almost certainly


Maybe means almost certainly no. It's kind of a soft let down. I can only see it happen if the girl thinks you'll be hurt if she says no (i.e. she thinks you are weak).

I would look at such a girl in semi-disbelief and move on right away. It's not even worth it adressing such a lame answer. Basically it's an insult. You just shrug and go meet better women.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: if she says maybe?

Author

Hi Anon,

Yeah, I second Migz on "maybe"... it's a roundabout way for girls to say "no" when they're afraid they might hurt your feelings. They are, basically, trying to be nice, but for guys who haven't learned to read between the lines on what women are really saying yet, it can be confusing. I know I used to get really excited when I'd get a "maybe" from a girl... it took me a few of these to start realizing "maybe" meant "not gonna happen."

On talking about the date -- right. Once she says yes, set out schedule and basic logistics -- e.g., you'll meet Sunday at 1 PM at XYZ location -- and nothing beyond that. Don't start discussing where you'll go afterward, or your plan for the date, or ask her if she's ever been to this place or that place before. Just what time you're meeting, and where you're meeting, and nothing else about the date, to give you the smoothest sailing possible and avoid bogging her down with details and making the date feel like a chore she'll have to think hard about and have second thoughts over agreeing to. Make it easy for her to just schedule it in and show up, and she likely will.

Cheers man,
Chase

Anonymous's picture

Maybe=No?


I can't say I agree. I'm not going to read the responses to this, but I asked my best friend out in Early March, and was met with a Maybe. She told me that she wasn't sure right then, but it didn't mean it wasn't possible later.

It's all in the context.

mykpol's picture

Maybe=No?


Not to be mean....but a maybe in early March.. and this is September? I hope your not holding your breath.

Anonymous's picture

uh, dude


He posted that in JUNE not September, just over three months sure, but still, didn't get to Sep. And I know THIS is 2014, cos I only just found this site, but at least I can read dates (lol no pun intended, especially not one that bad :P) also, I hate trying to type on a phone!

Anonymous's picture

Hey, i have really liked this


Hey,

i have really liked this girl since ages, and recently i had a chance to hang out with her to grab some lunch. We taked and stuff but it got really akward at times , maybe because i was really nervous... she use to text me alot but recently the texts are not as mucch , just causal small converstions. What would you advise me to do?

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Hey, i have really liked this

Author

Hey Anon-

Check this post out:

"Keeping Your Cool: Don't Chase Women"

Hopefully this helps.

Best,
Chase

Anonymous's picture

hey chase


Theres this girl i been meaning to ask out for ages, but shes always surrounded by friends so i can barely ever talk to her let alone ask her out. please help!

Gregg S's picture

Hey chase, there is this girl


Hey chase, there is this girl I like and I asked her out. This is what I said.
me: can I ask you a question
her:sure
me: would you like to go out sometime?
Her: um I'm not Really dating right now.

It made me sad because I really like her. Does this mean she will never go out with me?
I can't tell if she likes me or not. I've talked to her a couple times. She laughs and stuff but I don't know if she feels the same way about me.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Girl who said she's not dating

Author

Hey Gregg,

Well, first off, I admire your audacity! I know it's hard when you ask out a girl you like a lot for the first time.

It sounds like she's not really open to seeing you, but that might just be because the way you asked was a little bit awkward. There's no reason for you not to try again -- but, just, a little smoother next time. Go through this article, follow the advice lain out above, and hopefully the next time around you'll get a "yes."

If she won't go out with you and you've asked her out a few times, it's safe to say she doesn't feel the same way, and you should get on with meeting new women. There are plenty of women out there who'll like you -- you've just got to meet them.

Chase

Jason's picture

Hey Chase, Quick question.


Hey Chase,

Quick question. There's this girl I've been talking to who I got VERY intimate with on the first date (only thing that stopped us was the rent a cop patrolling the area that spotted the car). We've been out since then and I've been using the persistence tactic to shoot for date 3, that I think I'm closing on soon. Only reason im pushing for date 3 is because i really like the girl. A lot of the things you write about kind of come 2nd nature to me, (i.e the sexy man persona) but this one's boggled my mind dude...

I invited her over to my place for drinks and a "workout session"(I'm a personal trainer) she said her work schedule is swamped this week (she works nights) and I rebuttled stating then that's exactly what she needs after all that work. She agreed and said she thinks so too but "doesn't wan to make any promises" because she may just wanna chill at home and unwind. I rebuttled back saying something along the lines of "oooo ouch. Haha. [her name] you hurt me so. Chilling at home over sex therapy? Baaad :p" and told her to think on it in a humorous way. As of now I'm waiting for a response (I'm a busy guy so I prefer text). Bottom line is I'm convinced this girl likes aggressive, persistent yet nonchalant guys based on how I've acted. What I want to know now is this - I've got two clients that cancelled their sessions this week leaving me free mid to late afternoon. I'm thinking I shoot her a text stating these days and how ive got the free time and think we should chill at mine, or just wait until her work clears up and see if she's still up for drinks later (Which I think is too long for the attraction window).

Thoughts? Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks man,

Jason

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Afternoon delight

Author

Hey Jason,

"Workout session"? Ha -- nice.

Yes, nothing wrong with seeing if she'll meet up in the afternoon. A quick text like this ought to do it:

"Hey Tammy, looks like I've got the afternoons free tomorrow and Thursday. Let's move our session up to then, if that works -- shall we do tomorrow afternoon?"

Hope this works out with her and that you get her in tip-top shape ;)

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey chase just wanted to


Hey chase just wanted to thank u for a ur hard work and great advice you have been giving everyone. Keep up the good work

geraldb's picture

Hmm... Good article. I am now


Hmm...

Good article. I am now 31 and have never asked a girl out. That is pretty sad I know...but, whatever. Now, I am not ugly or anything, actually extremely handsome (being honest) so I have been asked out several times...thus getting into my 2 long term relationships which I have had since I was around 21. I had 2 girlfriends before that in high school, which also both asked me out. Now, these girls asked me out and I said yes, though several were just not good for me hence why I broke up with them. I think I pretty missed the whole window and "dating scene"...in fact, I have NEVER done the dating scene but now find myself single and no real clue what to do. It's pretty hard to meet people as I work remotely for my job and live in a smaller city where it seems most people my age are married/divorce or with kids, of which I have none of, so have resorted to online CRAP, but even that doesn't work. I am a nice guy and have obviously had long term working relationships, but now find myself in a quite peculiar position of never having experienced the dating scene. Probably similar situation are those who got married early and now divorced, thus never being exposed to the dating scene. I'm sure there are others in my situation. The thing is, I have no real clue of how to read "signs" from girls. Sigh.

Gerald

Chase Amante's picture

Re: New on the dating scene at 31

Author

Howdy Gerald,

All right, so some good and some bad there.

Bad: you're getting a late start in the dating world, haven't learned to read which women are interested, and you're in a location with limited options.

Good: you're good-looking, women obviously like you, and you're still young (in my opinion, men are most desirable to the widest swath of women from somewhere between 27 and 45, depending on the guy. e.g., I have much better success at 28 with girls who are 20 years old than I did when I was, say, 23, and could only get older women).

Starting out, you should operate under the assumption that all women are interested in you. Particularly if you're a really good-looking guy, that shouldn't be too far from the truth ;) Even if it was, it's a good mindset to start with because it's going to get you meeting more women and building up more reference points than if you didn't.

One thing you might consider if you're working remotely is relocating. Can you do your job from elsewhere? Possibly even consider asking your job if they'll support you relocating. Location helps a lot -- when you've got a continuous supply of new, attractive women, it makes it much easier to learn faster.

So, you're starting at a handicap in skill, but you've got some assets -- looks, likability, relationship success, and age -- that are going to allow you to progress faster than some men will. Being accustomed to women chasing you will slow your initial progress -- it did for me... you get a bit of an entitlement mentality that makes it kind of shocking when you first start approaching girls and they aren't falling all over themselves to be with you -- but once you've got the basics down and can start putting the pieces together and figuring out how to make the women you're meeting pursue, things get quite interesting.

First you've got to start off with just approaching and being the pursuer, though. The piecing-everything-together comes a bit later.

Best thing for you to do now is just start meeting women. Online actually might be very good for you if you're a good looking guy -- it's 95% looks, but picture quality is important. Get some professional pictures done, and get them online. Don't expect the highest quality women though -- unless you're on a site where girls are looking for relationships. Just get started, try and practice some basic openers, and get meeting girls in the mall, in bars, on the street, and wherever you like best.

Cheers,
Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hello chase, I have been


Hello chase, I have been liking this girl eversince I met her at school. I want to ask her out next week but myy only problem is where to go. I was considering the beach but I dont know what city she lives in so the closer beach to me might be far for her. Also if she could make it, I dont k.ow what we could talk about.

Any tips?

Stronghold's picture

CONTRADICTION


Howdy Chase!

First time I'm posting here but just wanted to let you know that I'm hooked ever since I stumbled across your site.

There's something I need to clarify which is a bit confusing.

You're advocating the " Don't Chase Women" & "The Law of Least Effort" maxim yet I read in some of your topics that we should go ask women out fast before they lose interest in us. In addition, you're saying that we should not give up easily if the girls get flaky.

The problem is, if we demonstrate the sexy, edgy, mysterious attitude...there is a BIG possibility that all the posturing will be all for nothing if the girl we're attracted to won't make the first move? On the other hand, if we flirt around with the girl and give some subtle hints, there is a chance we lose our "cool" persona and the girl becomes defensive?

So what's the best approach? It's been a while since I dated so I've become rusty and want to get my groove back.

Here's the situation. I met a co-worker who just started 3 weeks ago in the company. She's young in her early 20's, petite, fresh from College and I can tell right away she has this friendly but rather shy personality. Oh and might I add, she is pretty. I, on the other hand am on my early 30's however, people from other nationalities mistakenly see me as a lad in his mid 20's being an Asian myself. Usually, they can't tell my age. The girl is mixed breed, half-Asian and half Mid Eastern but her roots are strongly tied to the Asian tradition such as strong family ties, respect for the elders etc.

We went out on lunch together on her very first day at work. I treated her. Just casual, nothing fancy...more like a get-to-know-you stuff. I learned that she likes guys with tattoos as I have tattoos on my forearms. To describe my disposition, I am more like a Colin Farrell type (just personality not the looks) witty, funny at times but exuding edginess. On the looks part, I'm average. She is into the creative arts herself as she's an artist.

We were talking and she told me straight off the bat that she has a boyfriend who's a tattoo artist but lives overseas. In other words, they are communicating but physically apart. In the meantime, I told her that I have a girlfriend which is true.

We see each other everyday as she sits just across me so a casual "hi", "hello" is normal. Often times, we do get to communicate about stuff at work in the office. Because I'm attracted to her, I showed some subtle signs of flirting whenever I get a chance to be close to her like if she calls me and I go to her desk and she shares with me some random story which doesn't have anything to do with work.

Most of the time, I flirt using the eye, body language and some words. She would look back at me as I hold my eye contact and then look back in her monitor. There was a time when she stood up (from the sitting position) and her body was pointed at me probably to better match my body positioning with her. That time, I sat on her desk with my leg on the table and the other on the floor to comfortably get closer to her. I noticed that she tends to agree with whatever I'm saying everytime I bring up some topic to see if we have something in common. Ex: ME: "I always make sure to look both sides before I cross the road cause you never know" HER: "Oh yeah! Me too. In fact...."

So, this was like going on for weeks. I could sense that she knows I have the hots for her obviously because of my flirtations whenever the chance call for it. However, I always make it a point to do my thing in the office as if everything's normal. I only flirt most of the time we get to talk.

Ok, the problem. I asked her on a 2nd lunch out but she said she's ok in the office and told me to go ahead and enjoy my meal. No problem with that. Another occasion was when I "teased" her about me and her watching a movie just as we're about to get off at work but when I escorted her outside she became a lil flaky and told me "It's alright, I can manage. You should go home...don't worry I'm gonna be alright." It caught me off guard though she knows that I was just joking about me and her watching a movie together. So, sensing that she doesn't want my presence, I politely left her there and headed home.

2 days after that, our group all went out for lunch. I ignored her most of the time to try if the "mixed signals" thing would work. I could tell she sensed that I was ignoring her so after we all got back inside the office, she attempted to talk to me and showed me some random news story about a kid falling from a building. I obliged of course knowing that it kinda worked.

Recently, I asked her out saying exactly like this," It was a long day today. I'm in the mood for a Frap in Starbucks, care to join me?" She however played it down and politely declined by saying, "I'm ok. You can go ahead" and playfully waved at me like a little girl "See you....bye."

I don't get it. Why is she like this? Did I mistake her being friendly towards me as a sign of attraction? Did I make a fool of myself and lose a bit of my edgy persona by asking her out and she declined twice? How do I go about this?

How do I tell if she likes me? She's a Libra if that helps.

I would very much appreciate it if you could shed light on this. In fact, a reply from you would be precious.

All the best,

Stronghold

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Girl from the office

Author

Howdy Stronghold,

Glad you're hooked, man ;) Sorry for the confusion -- I try to keep things as non-contradictory as possible on here, but I realize the difficulty in doing that when you're combining an approach of minimizing effort and maximizing having women invest with male-female mating rituals, which largely necessitate the man in the role of pursuer. I'll try and clear this up as best possible.

You basically want to be cool and sexy and cause women to pursue... and then, strategically, make moves to progress things forward, but have them seem as effortless as possible and have them come across as an extension of the girl's actions as often as possible.

For instance, you might talk to a girl and chill and be sexy and get to know her, and she's getting more and more excited, and then finally she says she's tired, so you say, "Yeah, you're right, it's getting a bit late. Why don't we go grab a nightcap and we'll call it a night." Then you pull her home -- you suggested the move back to your place, but it seems a natural extension of what she herself was saying.

You can't always execute this perfectly, and at times you do have to stand up and be the pursuer here or there. At least go for mutual and get buy-in, though -- e.g., you text a girl, "Hey, was great to meet you yesterday. We ought to grab some food this week -- when are you free and what's your schedule like?" There's also a lot of removing of decisions to be made from women there -- it makes it a lot easier for her to just say "I'm free here and here and here" and then you set it all up and make it happen, than the guy who says, "Would you like to go out with me?"

With the office girl, there could've been initial attraction there, but things fade fast soon after a girl joins a circle much of the time -- especially when she has options, which it sounds like this girl does. It's totally normal -- see these posts (if you haven't already):

It sounds like the window's closed with her and attraction's dried up. A shame when it happens, but it happens a lot, to a lot of guys.

For one more perspective on this, see:

That one's about social circle, but applies just as much to the office as to school or your circle.

Hopefully these help, brother. You'll probably have to strike out in search of new prospects -- oh, and you'll also want to cut out the "hinting" at making things happen (e.g., joking around about joining her for a movie). Hinting unnerves women a bit -- instead, be commanding, powerful, yet still chill, and direct (e.g., "Here, invite me up, I need to get a glass of water").

Cheers,
Chase

JJ's picture

how to ask a girl out


hey Chase,
i read your article just now and feel confident about myself.Thanks!! The problem is there is this friend of mine whom i like very much.I broke up with my ex-gf a few months ago and now i have started liking this friend of mine.She knows about my break-up and she sort of knows that i have the hots for her.We were good friends before but due to some misunderstandings she has broken our friendship.
It was her fault actually but should i say sorry or something?? i dont want to be the very nice guy...but i really like her and she seems like the one for me...please advise on what i should do??
P.S: after we become friends should i ask her out immediately or not??She is also 2 years younger than me...if this info helps..i am fresh out of college and she is studying in the same college.
waiting for someone to help me....thank u...

Michael's picture

Facebook


Hey Chase, ive been talking to this girl for a while now and ten i finally got the courage to ask her if she wanted to go out. She hasnt responded in like 2 days but at a football game i saw her get a feww quick glances at me....what are your thoughts???

Michael's picture

Asking a girl out on Facebook


so ive been talking to this girl for a while and i asked her out 2 days ago and she hasnt responded..any insight??

AJ's picture

2 girls im really into


hey Chase great website i am an everyday reader and you have great input. Question i have Is i recently hung out with this girl i liked from highschool shes in college now i followed your how to ask a girl out and it worked. she came over my house we played video games watched a movie in my room and then all of sudden while we was watching the movie cuddlin i tried to go in for the kiss she stopped and said i know what your trying to do and then started talking about how all us men are the same and she asked if i thought i was going to get some cause she came over? also she started talking about her ex and how they were together for so long and she recently broke up with him because he cheated on her she also spoke on her trust issues since the incident with her ex. the night ended with nothing happening just talking and i have since tried to see her again i text her she told me she would be busy last weekend and i dont know what to do now i really like her and i wanna see her again help me out chase

Now the second girl is from facebook again i followed your instructions and set something up with her she agreed and gave a time but when i asked for her number she never responded with it so im stuck with this? what do i do?

Anonymous's picture

Age


Im a junior and this girls a freshman. Is it awkawrd with the age?
And another thing, i met this girl thru her brother, whos on my football team and is
My lifting partner in weight lifting class, hes my friend and i dont want to piss him off. How do i handle all thiss?

Anonymous's picture

What if you told a girl you


What if you told a girl you liked her, and she said, i'll have to think about it. I knew that mean "not gonna happen". But a few weeks later, she really starts flirting with me and hugging on me, and saying she loves me, and wanting me to sit with her at lunch and breakfast at school????????????

ajbatman07's picture

im not chase but it seems she


im not chase but it seems she really likes you. try to be cool and possibly ask her out.

Cory's picture

Asking out a girl i like


Hey chase, great stuff u have and am wondering if u cud help me with a poblem.

So i knew this girl from grade 10 and we didn't talk much. Now that were both in grade 11 we have alot more classes together and we talk alot more. I make her laugh a bit and thinks she may like me too (but i really cant be reliant on that)

She has no phone so i wud have to call her home phone, but basically i cant text whatsoever. So we have periods 2,3,4 together and my locker is on the way to hers.

Any advice on approaching this. Im not good at asking girls out (i dont even remember how i did it in grade 10 before her) and would appreciate some help.

Thanks

Anonymous's picture

Hey so I recently casually


Hey so I recently casually asked a girl to get together and she came back at me with " awwww I'd love to but I have to finish a science project" does this mean she would actually love to or is she just trying to say no tactfully? Thanks for your help man. You are the best.

Joe's picture

Hi, She Probably Would Love


Hi, She Probably Would Love To But She Might Not If You Ask Her In School She Might Say Yes But I'm Not Tp Sure

Anonymous's picture

Thanks man.... I actually


Thanks man.... I actually asked her out before I got a chance to read this and she said yes but thanks anyway!

Anonymous's picture

Hey?,im not chase but i can


Hey?,im not chase but i can tell u that she is triing to tell u no in someway

Dominick's picture

Great Article, but confused


Hey Chase,

Just read your article and it's great; it's practical, easy to follow, and offers a lot of common sense advice that's often overlooked... however, I've followed what you've said, yet I'm in a bit of a dilemma.

I met this girl about a month ago on the city bus while on my way to campus. We talked and hit it off pretty nicely. By the time I got on the bus to when I got off the bus (10min), I had her number and both left smiling. I waited a couple days, texted her and everything went pretty well. We joked about things, flirted, etc and then I asked her out. We made plans for Thursday on a Sunday. When Thursday rolled around I texted her saying that I was assuming we're still on for today, but we'll have to push back our meeting by a half-hour. Well she never responded at all; in-fact, she blew me off. I was pissed, but blew it off and went about my day and made plans with other people.

Well, about a week passed and eventually I ran into her on the bus again. Once again we started talking and flirting, but this time I was a little cold to her (e.g. didn't give her as much attention as she clearly wanted). Well, after we got off the bus we started texting and flirting again. Eventually we got into the topic of her blowing me off and it told her, "Well, it didn't bother me too much that you blew me off because I just made plans with other people instead of sitting around, but a yest or no would have been appreciated. You seem like a pretty cool girl and I'd be down for hanging out and getting to know each other, but if you're just into playing games and stuff like that then I'm not interested because I've got a lot of other important things going on in my life. Hopefully that isn't the case though and I'm wrong." Well she then responded back shortly and said that that was a really upfront and honest response and that she really liked that. She said she had to go to worked, but promised to text me later; she did and from that point on we started flirting even more and her attraction grew (I'm assuming). I got right to the point and asked her out again. She said, "Yes! I totally agree lets; maybe I'll even cook you something ;)" I told her, "Haha sounds good to me. Monday doesn't work well for me though, but Tuesday or Thursday does."

And that's where it eneded. She never responded back and I'm unsure what to do from here. It's been a day now and I'm not quite sure if I should text her back/what to say. Or just cut my losses and move on. I don't want to look needy or desperate, but at the same time I know you advocate persistence.

Any insight you have would be appreciated and I look forward to your response. Thanks Chase!

'71 Challenger's picture

Hey man,I'm not Chase but I


Hey man,I'm not Chase but I think I know what happened.You didn't let her pick the time and location,which is important.Maybe you should try again but this time you should let her pick the time and place.Good luck :)

Colin

Ronnie's picture

I don't know if its too late to ask


Hey Chase, There's this girl that I've been liking for the past 2 years. Last year she really used to like me, and I don't know why in the hell I didn't ask her out then. We stopped talking for a while but recently we started to talk to each other again. I'm pretty sure she still likes me. It's difficult for me to ask her out because it was such a long time that we didn't talk to each other at all. I don't want it to be awkward. Should I wait, or should I ask her out now?

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