A week ago one of the readers of this blog, Alex, requested I get a post up on physical escalation and getting on with the seduction once you’ve got a girl back somewhere private. Alex’s comment:
As for inviting her home, I would really love to see a post about transitioning to getting physically when she's at my place. Do you kino a lot before you invite her home or leave it like kissing for the right/better moment when two of you are all alone? Do you do more comfort stuff to make her feel connected and comfortable and then maybe some talking about sex topics to make her a little horny, how do you move closer to her both physically and mentally to have sex with her? How do you proceed and from your experience how much kino is needed before trying to sleep with her? Is it even required? On the other side, if there's no kino compliance before such as careessing, initimate hand holding (you know who puts much emphasis on it), but no problem with for example putting your hand on her lower back when shopping, should I be concerned about it?
All very good questions, Alex. I’ll share with you what I’m doing these days, and what I advise guys to do.
Prepping Women for Intimacy
The road to a successful seduction starts outside the bedroom. One of the biggest mistakes most men make, in my opinion, is not being sexy.
Why do guys do this? A lot of it is a focus on reactions instead of results; a guy gets more positive feedback from girls when he’s harmless and friendly than he does when he’s dangerous and edgy. Most guys train themselves to get maximal positive feedback and go the harmless and entertaining friendly guy route. Which, yeah, that’ll get you lots of girls smiling and laughing and paying you attention… but not a whole lot of them breathing heavy and fantasizing about you bedding them as soon as humanly possible.
So the first step is being sexy in general. A good starter for that one is “How to be a Sexy Man;” that’ll give you the main points to focus on for developing that aspect (sexiness) of yourself. Chase frames also come in quite handy in this regard, though nothing beats improving your core, base sexiness. The improvements in your passive traits and characteristics tend to be the ones that have the biggest long-term impact.
Chase frames, when used correctly, can either compliment your base sexiness, or compensate for a lack of development in sexiness; you can use them to effectively position yourself as a sexual man even if you aren’t necessarily all that sexy by default yet. But truly, there’s no real substitute for actually being sexy; you must work on this. Until you get to where you want to get, though, chase frames can help.
You do not want to be obvious. Chase frames are all about subtlety; alluding to sexual topics without directly broaching them. What many guys do wrong is they blatantly discuss sex in the hopes that this will somehow get women turned on. But women don’t work that way. Keep this rule in mind:
Talking about sex does not equal being sexy.
The two are different things. Talking about sex is usually either A) crude and disgusting (if done poorly), or B) interesting and conversationally stimulating (if done properly). Neither of those is, however, arousing. Sex talk can be arousing – but only if done by a sexy man. But a sexy man doesn’t need sex talk to get women turned on. Therefore, sex talk in and of itself is largely irrelevant and only something I’d recommend using if you’re already using it and seeing results out of it. You can play around with it if you like; who knows, maybe it’ll get you some results. Typically though, it doesn’t really help, and can often hinder – by putting women on alert and causing them to raise their guards.
You see, there are a few different ways to broach sex, and they basically look like this:
- Seriously, rationally, logically, and directly. When you broach sex serious, as a serious topic, whether in a sexy way or not, you are forcing a woman to think about it logically and make a logical decision. The fact is that most women have a lot of issues around sex (such as what their friends will think, about trying to keep their numbers down and not sleep with too many men, about what the man they’re with will think about them if they sleep with him too quickly, etc.), so when the issue is broached seriously and logically, they’re forced to address it and come to a logical decision about it. So when a guy starts talking about sex itself with a woman, her brain goes, “Oh. He’s talking about sex. He must want sex with me. Do I want sex with him?”
The problem that occurs here is now the mixing of logic and emotions. Her logical brain asks, “Do I want sex with him?” Then, her emotional brain responds: “Well, let’s see… I’m not turned on. I’m not horny right now. So… no, I don’t want sex with him.” And this is almost invariably what happens when sex is broached in a serious, direct, and logical manner: women consider sex with the man discussing it with them, then rule against him. I’ve had it happen to me more times than I can count; it’s unfortunate, but that’s how it generally works. There is only a very small minority of women – the very open-minded kind, with zero hang ups about sex – who are able to ask themselves, “Do I want sex with him?” and come back with the answer, “Well, I’m not turned on, but hey, why not? It’s worth a shot.” That’s maybe 1 – 2% of the female population. The rest of women you lose when you go serious and logical.
- Humorously, emotionally, and indirectly. Have you ever been in a relationship and had a girl joke about marriage or babies? Like, you’re sleeping with her and cumming in her without condoms and at some point she jokes, “We probably ought to start thinking about where we’re going to put the crib.” You probably laugh about this, maybe feel mildly alarmed and start acting more responsible, but certainly don’t hate the girl for it. Now imagine you’re seeing a girl who goes logical and serious on you: “Do you want to make me pregnant? If you get me pregnant, you’re going to have to marry me.” Yikes. Scary, right?
This is the difference between directly and indirectly broaching sensitive topics conversationally. There are a number of reasons why indirect works so much better here; I’d list them out, but that’d be a blog post in its own right. Suffice it to say that the girl feels far less put upon when you’re indirect about sex, and a lot of the mystery is preserved. Look again at that indirect comment about the baby: does the girl want you to get her pregnant and marry her or not? You can’t really be sure from that, so her intentions are somewhat mysterious. This is the best way to approach something where people have conflicting emotions (e.g., modern man’s base drive to reproduce versus his logic-driven desire to preserve his freedom and not be forced to settle down; if she says, “I want babies with you,” you freak out thinking she wants to tie you down; if she says, “I don’t want babies with you,” you feel insulted and judged unworthy. Sex is like this for women; it’s better not to give a clear indication of your intentions until you’re intimate with them).
As far as how much touch you should have with a woman prior to working on physical escalation… well. Here’s the thing. If you’re very sexy, you don’t need to touch a woman at all prior to bringing her home. In fact, if you’re very sexy, I’d probably go as far as to say you should avoid touching a girl unless it feels absolutely necessary. How come? Because when you reach out and touch a girl, you’re expending a little extra effort, and chasing a little bit more, which sets up the wrong precedent.
However – and this is a big one – until you get to the place where you’re a very sexy man, you should absolutely be touching women a lot. Incidental touching is what you need to be using to get girls comfortable with your touch. In lieu of base sexiness, incidental touch can help close the gap and get women seeing you as a sexual man. Incidental touching also is extremely important for developing your sense of how and when to touch women when you’re learning.
Again, once you’re a sexy man and you’ve mastered touch, you don’t really need to touch a girl at all until you kiss her for the first time. Until you get there though, you really do need to be touching women at least a fair amount, and you’ll find that incidental touch (things like having your hand on the small of a girl’s back, having her lean her head against you, having your leg touching hers), this is all important. And when you’re sexy, if you can get incidental touch while seeming to get it naturally and effortlessly, it only helps your cause.
Note: Alex asks about caressing. Caressing is sexual touch and should only be done during the actual physical escalation when you’re somewhere private with a girl proceeding towards intimacy. Doing it out in public is tantamount to talking about sex; it’s too obvious, betrays your intentions, and causes women to push back as soon as the mood dissipates. Hand-holding is best avoided altogether as it’s very couple-y and puts you into boyfriend territory, slowing things down and making women demand more of you. I have another post on this upcoming sometime soon specifically, but basically, yeah, you don’t want to hold a girl’s hand.
The Two Methods of Physical Escalation
There are really two ways of initiating physical escalation:
- When it’s “on” already, and
- When it’s not fully on yet
When it’s on already – when you can tell she’s very turned on, breathing heavy, and completely ready to receive you – things are easy and the only thing you must do is act quickly. Delaying will cause her to cool off and be lost. You must get intimate with her upon walking in the door, ideally, or within five minutes maximum. You can wall slam her (put one hand behind her back and one behind her head and slam her into the wall, hitting only your hands, and kiss her passionately), and escalate quickly from there. You can sit down and pull her into you and begin escalating. All you have to do when it’s on is get on with it, and you’ll usually have only very minimal resistance to deal with.
When it isn’t fully on yet is where you need more process, which is what the remainder of the sections in this post are to be about.
Putting a Girl at Ease
The first thing you should look to do at your place or her place is to put a girl at ease. I recommend turning on the world news on television. Why the news? Here’s why: I experimented first with music. That was good, but it didn’t provide enough distraction for girls and they’d still be nervous. So then I started using movies. What happened? Well, girls’d get engrossed in whatever movie I put on, and then it’d be difficult to escalate. So I started using the news. TV news provides enough audio and visual distraction so women have something to focus on logically, but without the immersive experience of a movie or television show, thereby freeing their emotions for you. The news lets you capture a woman’s emotions and escalate while her logic is occupied with the goings on of the world. Unless she’s passionate about politics in Bangalore or earthquakes in Johannesburg she’s not going to get all that sucked into the world news.
Then, get her a glass of water. Not alcohol. Maybe tea if she really wants that. But water is easy, everybody likes it, and it gives her something to do with herself if she’s feeling uncomfortable; she can hold the glass, play with it, drink from it.
Why not alcohol? Because alcohol suggests you’re trying to rob her of her inhibitions and get her to make bad decisions. You don’t want her making bad decisions though – she should realize that you are confident she’ll want you when she’s dead sober.
Your place should be set up well for seduction: a comfortable couch, no chairs (or stuff piled up on the chairs – how are you going to escalate if she’s off on a chair somewhere instead of close to you?), ideally your bed nearby. I notice I have an easier time bedding girls in a small one room bachelor pad where my bed is sitting right next to my couch, which is right next to my kitchen table, than I did when I had a big place with a separate living room and bedroom. There’s a weird subconscious undercurrent when a girl hadn’t seen your whole place and your whole bed like, “What else is in those backrooms? Is he going to show me his bed at some point?” You can relieve this a bit by giving her a quick tour of your place, so if you have a big place maybe do that first. If you have a choice of apartments though, go small and cozy over big and spacious and cold.
Also, side note: if you bring her to your place, have her take her shoes off first. I have all my shoes by the door these days, because, well, one, it makes for a much cleaner apartment, and two, it allows me to insist a girl take her shoes off before coming in. Her taking her shoes off is kind of a symbolic act that makes her feel like she’ll stay awhile, like she’s now more comfortable, and… that she’s taken off an article of clothing in your home already.
So, to sum up, for getting girls comfortable:
- Have them take off their shoes if at your place.
- Put on the world news (at your place or her place). Music videos are a close second.
- Get the both of you some glasses of water.
- Grab a seat together on a couch. If she sits in a chair, tell her to sit with you and that you don’t want to do the whole, “I sit over here and you sit all the way over there like a couple of weirdos,” thing.
Making Your Move
Know what the #1 thing most guys mess up when it comes to physical escalation is? They never make a move. How are you going to get intimate with a girl if you never do anything? The girl isn’t going to do it for you.
If you’re having this problem – and you’re not alone because lots of guys do – the best thing you can do for yourself is to make yourself a promise that no girl will be allowed in your apartment for more than ten minutes without you at least trying to kiss her. This will put the right kind of pressure on you and force you to act.
Know what happens when you first start forcing yourself to kiss girls you’ve brought home where previously you failed to act? You start sleeping with them. It’s a little surprising at first, because you’ll be sitting there with a girl thinking, “Oh, shit, she isn’t ready yet, she’s going to freak out when I kiss her, damnnit, but my ten minutes are up and I’ve got to do it… okay… here goes…” And then you’ll kiss her, and she’ll kiss you passionately back, and then a few minutes later you become lovers. And you look back and you’re like, “Whoa. I thought she wasn’t even going to kiss me back, but we just had sex!”
Yet, had you not forced yourself to kiss her, that never would’ve happened.
You must force yourself to act. Here’s what I recommend you do: stop right now and make me a promise, or make yourself a promise, or make the promise to whomever you need to make the promise to, that you are going to kiss every girl you go home with within ten minutes of being alone with her. I guarantee you that if you stick to this promise your women successfully bedded will double or treble or quadruple from this alone. So, stop reading and say that aloud:
“I promise I will kiss every girl I bring home within ten minutes, maximum.”
Okay, good. If she doesn’t like you, she’ll just leave, and that’s fine. Trust me when I tell you that if she leaves because you tried to kiss her, nothing was going to happen no matter how long you sat with her there. In my half decade in seduction, I’ve had a handful of girls stand up and leave because I tried to kiss them in my apartment… but a heck of a lot more that have kissed me back and gone to bed with me.
You must make a move. This is probably the most important part of physical escalation; the rest is icing on the cake.
Sometimes you will need to use a manhandle kiss when a girl gives you resistance to kissing. That’s probably considered assault or something the United States and Sweden, but whatever. If you watch old movies, this is how it used to be done in the States. Now I think you’re supposed to sign a contract of mutual consent or something and go through a five day waiting period before engaging in any kind of physical contact. I’m kidding of course, but just to make the point: I think a lot of guys nowadays hear about taking a woman who’s struggling against you and just pulling her in and forcing her to give you a peck on the lips anyway and go, “Oh no! He wants me to kiss rape a girl!” Well, you’re not really kissing her, just giving her a peck on the lips, then dropping it. Sometimes you need to do it this way though.
I have a lot of girls resist me on the first kiss. I pull them in hard anyway though, and give them a peck on the lips. Then, I let them go, and continue the conversation as if nothing had happened whatsoever. I’ll talk about what’s on the news, for instance. So it’ll go like this:
Me: I think it’s kind of awesome how fast they deposed the Egyptian government.
Me: [stare at girl sexily for a moment. Pull girl’s chin in my direction. Girl struggles and fights; I grab her head and pull her in, then plant a quick kiss on her lips. I loosen my hold on her, smile at her, then let her go entirely]
Me: What do you think happens next now that the kicked Mubarak out? Does the military take power, or do they hold elections, or what?
The casual conversation does a few really, really good things for you. Here’s what it does:
- It communicates this is no big deal to you and you’re totally comfortable.
- It short circuits the girl logically; she doesn’t know how to compute a guy kissing her and then not going crazy talking about kissing or sex or trying to move things forward.
- It puts her at ease that you’re not going to aggressively pursue her too far beyond her comfort level and while you’ll push a bit, you’re also not going to push too hard.
After I reengage her logically, most girls are really flustered, and I’ll just go in for another kiss and they love it. Some girls act completely chill and nonplussed, and those girls might resist you a bit again when you go for it again. So, in that case, just wash, rinse, and repeat.
Once I am able to kiss a girl and have her just melt into it and kiss me back, I’ll draw my lips away, look at her closely, and tell her her lips are so soft or that she tastes good. Then I’ll go back to kissing.
I was talking to a friend yesterday, and he said he used to spend thirty or forty minutes making out with girls before sleeping with them. Thirty or forty minutes!
I said, “I used to spend about six or seven minutes making out with girls before moving things forward.”
You should always try to move things forward as quickly as possible without moving too quickly. There’s a fine line to walk in the escalation where you push limits, but don’t have the girl push back. It’s deserving of another post, but basically what you’re aiming for is being able to physically escalate to the point where she’s about to refuse or pull your hand away, but you stop or tone it down or move to another part of her body before she can. That way, you are always moving things forward without having her giving you resistance.
Speaking of resistance, the old Star Trek “resistance is futile” line springs to mind. Never let resistance suck the wind out of your sails. Certainly respect a girl’s resistance, and if she doesn’t want you doing something, stop doing it… for at least a few minutes. Then start again. If she wants to stop you, she can stop you. Then you start again later.
If she really doesn’t want to go to bed with you, she will leave. If she’s still there, but resisting, take it as her way of saying, “I want you and I like you and I’m attracted to you, but you need to get me more comfortable with you right now before I’m ready for this.
Don’t start thinking you’ll put it off until later, because later never happens, and people’s feelings change, and if a girl doesn’t sleep with you you had a chance to sleep with, she’ll look back and tell herself there was a reason it didn’t happen. You need to close the deal while she’s with you, which means you must be persistent.
In “Walk the Line,” I discuss a girl I slept with who gave me a great deal of resistance because she had a boyfriend she loved. It took me about two to two-and-a-half hours to break through her resistance and reach the point where I was able to enter her and complete the seduction. In my earlier days I would’ve given up after an hour or so, but these days I know that the longer you escalate on a girl and she sticks around, the closer and closer she gets to simply giving in and getting intimate with you. The more time you spend escalating on a girl, generally, so long as you’re being passionate and aggressive, the more she’s going to want to give in to you.
That brings us to the Big Three of physical escalation:
You must show passion to inspire passion in her and make her want you. You must be aggressive in moving things forward and getting ever more physical with her. And you must be persistent in trying and trying again and not losing faith even if she stops your ten or fifteen times, and you must not get upset or bitter and instead take it all in stride and understand that she simply isn’t comfortable enough yet and it’s your job to make her more comfortable with you touching her and getting increasingly more physical with her.
Some tips on how best to physically escalate:
- Pull her into you. Have you ever had a girl yank you into her during a physical escalation? It’s a big turn-on, right? Works both ways. It’s also in good keeping with the Law of Least Effort; by pulling her into you, you get her coming to you, instead of you chasing after her and going to her. Much more effective for setting the proper tone during a seduction than leaning into her and pursuing her. And by physically moving her and having her comply, you’re getting investment to boot.
- Run your hands up and down her body. Because she isn’t comfortable at all with you yet, when you first start touching a woman’s body she’s often inclined to move your hand off of where you’re touching, particularly if it’s a sensitive area like her breast, butt, or pussy. When you keep your hands moving, though, and not stopping on any one place in particular, you’re able to get her comfortable with your hands on her there without having her trying to stop you. Soon enough you’re able to leave your hand where you want to leave it for a prolonged time.
- Pull shirts down rather than up. It’s often pretty difficult to get a girl’s shirt off and get to her breasts that way. So what I always do is pull down the neckline of her shirt or sweater, pull the top of her bra down, and start sucking on her nipples that way. It makes it immensely easier to get her shirt and bra off once you’ve already sucked on her nipples a few times – she reasons you’ve already seen and touched and licked the most private part there, and, besides – she’s very turned on now!
- Get incidental vaginal stimulation. Originally a concept by Vin DiCarlo, incidental vaginal stimulation is touching a girl’s pussy with something other than your hand or face; that is, while you’re making out with her and physically escalating with her, your knee is pressed up against her crotch, or your arm, or your stomach. Why? Well, have you ever lain with a girl and had her leg against your crotch? You probably got pretty aroused, right? Same thing works with women.
- Get her panties off first. If you have a choice, always go for pants / panties over shirts and bras. It’s sometimes easier to get a girl’s pants and panties off first, and once they’re off, everything else will come off to.
- Get to penetrative vaginal sex as soon as possible. I don’t personally get much enjoyment out of oral or anal sex, so this one’s a no-brainer for me, but I know a lot of guys who love getting blowjobs from girls and love giving girls anal sex. Nothing wrong with this, unless you go for these first: it’s not always the case, but sometimes getting oral or anal sex first means you don’t get anything else from a girl. Most women consider oral and anal to be “lower” on the totem pole of importance than anal; for instance, a girl might give a blowjob to a guy who’s just okay but refuse him vaginal sex, and if you get a blowjob first but not vaginal sex, she might later refuse to do anything further with you. Once you are inside her pussy, everything else is open to you.
A corollary of this rule is that if you have an opportunity to get to vaginal sex you should take it, even if it’s somewhere you can’t properly make love to a girl. Reason why is that once you’ve been inside her, it’s already a done deal, and you can go back to it later; but the reverse is often not the case. If, for instance, you’re making out in the back of a car, and she’s ready for intimacy, but instead you take her out of the car and back to your place, expecting to sleep with her there, you may encounter a whole new wave of resistance in your bedroom and possibly not even sleep with her. If instead you simply pull her panties down in the car and insert yourself there, you can spend a minute or two inside her, then take her back to your place and you won’t encounter any resistance.
And that ought to do it. This post came out to be rather long, but hopefully contains some good information and a few insights that are new. This is most of what I’m doing seduction-wise these days and it’s been working quite well; I predict that if you start implementing these tactics and techniques and mindsets into your endgame, you’ll see a marked uptick in your returns with women.
So, in that case – here’s to your success!