What Are Women Looking For? The Top 10 Things
Monday, 19 May 2014
A topic that surfaces among men of all skill levels is understanding what women are looking to get out of their lives. It seems like women are much more fleeting with their greater desires than men are.
However, there are some general themes that I believe dictate how women act in their daily lives and in the long term. Women expect many things, and they are looking for a lot of fulfillment in their lives.
And one great source of that fulfillment can be a good man. Or more specifically, you. So I want to talk about what women are looking for in general, and then frame the actual top ten list in terms of how women expect men to fit into the overall scheme of their lives.
What Are Women Looking For Outside of Men?
Though the opposite sex in important, women do want other things out of their lives than just men. These are things like:
Great friends. Because of the nature of female competition and just how vicious it can get, most women find it quite difficult to trust most other women. That’s why when a girl finds a best friend that she can actually be fully open with, she’ll do anything to hold onto that friend. Having at least one of these friends is important to all women.
A meaningful job/career. I think men and women define career success pretty differently. Men for the most part are results-oriented, so they throw around how much money they make or how many cars they have or how they just saved an entire country from imminent demise. This stems from men’s desire for greatness and their understanding of their own expendability.
Women on the other hand measure their success on the kinds of impact that they are having on other people. Women are looking for someone to take care of. They are nurturing and emotion-driven, so they focus on how they make people feel and whether or not that makes a deep impact on people’s lives. So a meaningful job for a woman could be much different than one for a man. But irrespective of the difference, they still want to find work that allows them to contribute something constructive to those around them.
Validation. Women are much more insecure than men – for both natural and nurtured reasons. So they are looking for activities and people who will remind them that they are strong, beautiful, intelligent, etc.
Health. This is pretty straightforward. Everyone values their health (though they may not always act like it). Women are no different.
So now that we’ve covered the general things that women are looking for out of life, let’s look more in detail at what women are looking for in the men they bring into their lives.
There are actually some pretty significant differences between what women are looking for in the short term versus the long term. But I suppose the same could be said for men. To quickly sum it up:
- In the short term, women want fun, new experiences, and great sex.
- In the long term, women want stability, direction, fulfillment, and great sex.
This is the big buzzword with women these days (perhaps women of any day?). This idea reins king in the minds of all females. This idea is so important because most women (read most, not all) live fairly ordinary, mundane lives, as I’ve mentioned many times before.
Though, I should point out that female ennui is not a new concept. Many a romance, fling, liaison, and betrayal have arisen from women simply being bored with their routine and wanting some excitement out of their lives (ever read any of the classics like Anna Karenina?).
So if you can be the man who comes and whisks her away on a new adventure, you’ll rocket up to the top of her new potential lover list. But in addition to making this point, I should add: you don’t have to go on an actual elaborate adventure with a girl. When guys hear exotic adventure, they think that they have to take a girl to Fiji or through the woods and have an elaborate plan for wooing her. Wrong. Keep it simple.
Adventure is more of a frame than a set of actions. Chase call this the “us vs. them mentality”. I call it the “partner in crime” frame. There’s a product that I’m working on that should be rolling out here in the near future, and if you get it, you’ll see a couple of examples of what I mean.
Whenever you frame an interaction with a girl as being part of an “exclusive club” – especially a secret one – they get giddy, and it binds them to you as a partner and leader.
The easiest way I like to put this frame into action is by sending girls on “secret missions”. I’ll send them to ask people ridiculous questions, do a dumb dance, etc. This can really be a great method for boosting the overall enjoyment of an interaction for you and the girl.
Now I should say: not all girls are up for adventure in action. Only the really cool/fun ones will actually go through the actions with you. And if you find one of these, get ready for a great time.
But all girls are down for the frame. Even if you tell a girl that you’re partners in crime going on a wild adventure… and you end up just getting ice cream with her… the fact that you set an exclusive frame at the outset will set you apart from the droves of clueless men as a guy who just wants to add value to her life and put off general positive energy.
And that’s exactly one of the qualities she will be looking for in the short term.
Ever heard of the 2-year drop? It’s a struggle. Sometimes it only takes one year – or even six months – depending on the kind of relationship you have with a girl and how much time the two of you spend together (read: don’t spend excessive amounts of time with one girl).
Regardless of what kind of relationship or dynamic you have with a girl, there will inevitably be a point in which you settle into a routine – at least most of the time. What kind of routine is important as they are all not created equal. A routine of salsa on Wednesdays and picnics on Fridays is much different from a routine of The Bachelor every Tuesday (but hey, who am I to judge?).
All relationships are spiced differently, but the ones that have routines based on challenging each other, some novelty, and competing together against other people, will resist stagnation much more readily.
But for those less thrilling relationships… it is sad to say, but sometimes girls just get bored. They don’t hate you. They don’t have a problem with you. They don’t want to hurt you. They just want to have fun. Usually a girl will voice her desire to have fun in a phrase like: “You never take me out anymore!” before she decides to do anything too rash.
But I have often interacted with girls who have thrown men to the wayside just because they squeezed all of the juice that they could get out of him. So either they faded away, dumped him, or in the worst cases… cheated.
So no matter what point of a relationship you’re in, you must remember that girls are always looking for fun. But they are especially looking for fun in the short term. The reason why many guys fail with women isn’t because of their looks, or whether they have money, or who they came with; it’s simply a matter of whether or not they’re having fun.
The person who is having fun is the person who gives the value. A person who is stifled and looking for others to boost them up is the person who is taking value. So if you’re just sitting in the corner quietly and you approach her without being playful, she’ll know that you’re trying to take value from her, plain and simple. And I can’t tell you how many guys get rejected just because of that basic fact.
You need to learn how to be fun, because that’s definitely something women are looking for at all times, especially in the short term.
#3: Something New
This is not quite the same as her desire for adventure or life excitement. Maybe her life actually is stimulating and perfectly exciting. Yet, regardless of this fact, sometimes women are simply looking for a novel experience. What kind of novel experience do I mean? Maybe she wants to…
- Have sex with a black guy, which she’s always wondered about
- Have a threesome
- Go on a date with an investment banker
- Have sex in a public bathroom
- Go on a date to an amusement park
- Cheat on her boyfriend when he’s not around
- Experiment with BDSM
- Temporarily leave the state with someone at the drop of a hat
There are a million more things I could’ve added to this list, but you get the point. You simply can’t underestimate the power of novel experiences in the minds of women. I’ve had women tell me some crazy things that they have always “wondered” about – from getting gangbanged to sex while driving and a million other things that have now popped out of the recesses of my memory.
It’s a whole other world in the mind of a female, gentlemen. And sometimes… sometimes… if you present her with the opportunity for a novel experience… she just might take it. She’ll thank you later.
#4: A Strong Man
A line that I love using with hot girls – especially if they’re a hard case – is simply telling them, “Listen, you must intimidate a lot of guys or even scare them away. But you should know, I’m not weak like that – I’m not like most men.”
At first, I was convinced that they would be put off by an overt statement of confidence. And sometimes they have been. But, what I found was that 90% of the time they were only put off when I didn’t have the fundamentals and inner confidence to back up my words.
It’s the whole how you say it mantra. Girls can tell with the greatest of ease from what emotional and psychological place your words are coming from. If they sense that a guy is just giving them lip service, they’ll just blow him off most of the time. When they don’t blow him off, they’ll test him – and he will almost certainly fail.
If they can tell that your words are coming from a place of confidence and security, they’ll probably test you regardless, just to really make sure that it wasn’t a fluke and you are actually a strong man. It’s funny, it’s actually like a video game sometimes: if you pass her first level test, she’ll try to faze you with a harder test on the second and third levels.
But these second and third tests are rarely more creative than the first, so if you handle one, you can very capably handle many. And then you’ve won both the game and the girl.
The problem is that strong men are rare. And most strong men are too aggressive or socially uncalibrated for women to actually consider them an option.
So finding a socially calibrated strong man is like striking gold for a girl. You might think that that is a bit hyperbolic, but I really don’t think it is; I think that it is an appropriately accurate description. It’s that important to them for the short and long term.
So the question who is going to step up and be that man?
#5: Great (Covert) Sex
Who isn’t looking for great sex? But women are desperately looking for it in the short term. This is because women love sex. They enjoy it much more than you. Much, much more (have you ever torn off wallpaper or screamed so loud that people thought about coming to your aid? Didn’t think so).
However, women aren’t allowed to be overt about it, and this is what creates problems for them. They just want to get down as much as the next guy (or with him) but have to deal with managing the entire Madonna/whore complex of our puritanical society.
Couple this with the fact that females have many more motivations and considerations when dealing with sex, and you have a generation of women looking for something that’s paradoxically in great abundance but hard to find without some sort of substantial price being paid.
That’s where you come in. You’re the man who can communicate discretion. You’re the man who understands subtext. You’re the man who will give her a night of wild sex that she doesn’t have to think twice about, regret, or potentially being outed for.
A man who will give her orgasms and not have her think twice when all is said done? Yes, every woman is looking for that in the short term.
Now let’s talk about what women are looking for in the long term.
#6: All Roads Lead to Love
All women are looking for true love. It’s their raison d’être. But I think that true love is really hard to find in this world. Some people want it so badly that they project it onto people who they have no business claiming to love. Some people mistake admiration, infatuation, or even the enjoyment of consistently having sex with someone for true love. Some people feel that they have something to prove to those around them (women can definitely fall victim to this one).
And some people – and I have definitely been guilty here – just really enjoy the feeling of being cared about or even loved by their significant other so convince themselves that the love is mutual when it really is not.
True love is really a very involved set of feelings and decisions. I don’t claim to be an expert by any means, but I can say that all of a woman’s lifelong decisions fall under the umbrella of finding true love. So keep that in mind as you read on and think about what women are looking for in the long term.
#7: A Partner/Provider
Women are looking for a lifelong partner in crime, a man who shares many of their deep core values, at least a couple of their interests, and can make them laugh at any moment.
Women are looking for a man who can be a good provider. Although the division of labor is becoming more egalitarian in this day and age, women still expect to find a man who can be a contributor to the wealth and growth of the family.
And speaking of family, women are looking for a man who will be a good father. Essentially, they’re looking for a good complement to themselves with whom they can build a happy home.
#8: A Life Leader
All women are looking for a journeyman, in every sense. This is not only a man who will take them on adventures to new and interesting places, but who will also make sure that their life journey remains interesting and fulfilling.
For women (and even men for that matter), a big part of being loved is being held accountable to their own standards. If a woman is faltering from her life path or not being true to herself, she expects the man in her life to recognize that fact and keep her moving toward growth and fulfillment.
As a corollary to this desire, the man himself must also have a purpose. A man without purpose and intention is fit to lead no one – not even his own spouse. So a man must learn about himself and his own desires so that he can be a capable life leader when a woman needs him.
#9: A Kind Man
No, that was not a typo. According to studies, the biggest indicator for man’s long-term desirability is not dominance, strength, or even wealth. It’s his level of agreeableness.
Now before the white knights get too excited, let me qualify that statement. That’s not to say that a man should be a pushover or the traditional supplicating nice guy. In fact, being a pushover would probably only hurt your chances. But women want to be around men who will be kind to them, the people they care about, and their children.
I think that a man being agreeable is also a subconscious marker of potential status for a woman. If we think about a tribal mentality, the man who is loved and respected by everyone else in the tribe is the man who will be able to gain the highest status.
So a strong man, who can also be vulnerable, genuine, and kind to those around him, is definitely someone women are looking for.
#10: A Big, Fat Ring
They are all looking for one. They all want one. Even if they say they don’t, watch how their eyes light up when their friends show off their own rings. Better just accept it now.
What are women looking for? Now you know. And now you’re one step closer to giving it to them. So really, she’s actually looking for you. She just doesn’t know it yet.
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