We recently moderated yet another comment where the comment author (a woman this time, though we get both men and women doing this) weighed in with something like, “I think this only works on women who aren’t as strict about who they sleep with or are more sexually open.”
We get comments like this sometimes.
The non-politically correct way of saying what she just said, of course, is, “This only works on sluts.”
This is a pretty common viewpoint among first-time readers of seduction-related materials, male and female alike. They read it; it grates with their belief systems; and they respond back stating that they’re pretty sure this only works on XYZ category of women that does not include them (or does not include the women that they date or want to date or have a crush on if they’re male).
And they make the statement that, “This only works on sluts,” and feel much better about themselves.
There, says the woman, now everyone knows that *I* am not a slut, and this would never work on *me*.
At last, says the man, someone has set the record straight, and shown these people that women like my precious Esmeralda would NEVER go for a man like this.
Yet, out of the black-and-white polarities of the all-text Internet, the real world is far more nuanced than those who would polarize womankind into “good girls” and “sluts” would have you (and themselves) believe.
I come from a background in sales, and you run into this over and over again in sales. The people who tell you this would never work on them are quite often the ones most susceptible to it.
I hear the same thing about hypnosis. The smarter the individual, the more convinced he is that hypnosis will have no effect on him – and the more likely he is to fall deep under its spell.
The contradiction ties back to cognitive dissonance – the holding of two competing, and rather uncomfortable because of it, beliefs in the mind.
In the case of sales, on learning some sales technique, there are essentially three possible reactions an individual could have:
Hears it, and sees how it could work: this is the person who purses his lips, nods his head, and says, “Hmm! That could indeed work quite well!” He realizes an argument like this might sway him in the right circumstances, coming from the right person, and doesn’t see any harm in admitting as much.
Hears it, and doesn’t take any note at all: this is the person for whom it’s literally in one ear and out the other. He’s either the guy saying, “Oh, sure – EVERYBODY knows that! Anyway, onto the next thing,” or the one who says, “Oh really? Yawn. Anyway, so Joshua was telling me about this...” For whatever reason, it isn’t remotely interesting or insightful to him; maybe it doesn’t seem to affect him because he never deals with salespeople and never will, or maybe he’s already so experienced with salesmen that this seems like a basic, obvious truth and he doesn’t even see how anyone can bother wanting to talk about it.
Hears it, and feels threatened by it: this is the person who experiences cognitive dissonance; he feels under personal assault by what he’s just read or heard, and feels the need to set the record straight. This is usually an act of reputation defense (”That doesn’t work on everybody” = “That doesn’t work on ME” = “Recognize my different-ness; and please, stop referring to me as a commoner at once”), though sometimes it can be one of belief system-preservation, as in the case of the sexually unsuccessful man clinging to the belief that there are “good girls” out there who “don’t go for that”, because he needs to believe that there are women who will be most attracted to the qualities he’s spent years curating in himself and that he hasn’t been wasting his time focusing on things women do not appreciate.
When you’re trying to teach something, you’re mostly just interested in talking to the people in group #1.
That’s because the people in group #2 are either already experienced in the thing; don’t need the thing; or don’t think they need the thing you are teaching, and the people in #3 just want to fight with you to convince you of their beliefs, and aren’t interested in having an actual discussion (they’d have to accept that you might be right first, and that’d put them in category #1).
And thus, you get a small collection of people who live an unsurprising world that works the way they expect it to (their mental models are aligned with the way of things)... while you get a much larger collection of people who find themselves constantly surprised, upset, disappointed, or sometimes elated at the way things work out in a cruel, deceptive, unpredictable world.
Yet, the universal sign that it’s time for a mental model revision –
finding yourself surprised, shocked, distressed, disappointed,
euphoric, or upset about how ANYTHING turns out – is dismissed by these
people as one of the vagaries of life, and ignored.
The Girl It Didn’t Work On
When I first discovered that there were guys who actually wrote books on picking up girls in late 2005, I started buying up every tome I could get my hands on and devouring it.
The third such book I read was called The Game, and it was by a guy named Neil Strauss.
In The Game, Strauss chronicles his (somewhat compressed and dramatized) journey in the world of seduction, discussing his growth from nerdy failure with women into dashing, debonair seducer.
The book ends, though, with Neil finally locating that one perfect girl that all his tricks and gimmicks didn’t work on: she was the girl that stuff did not affect.
Needless to say, he set it all aside, dumped his other lovers, and decided that she was without a doubt “The One” for him, and the tone at the end of the book was one of a loud and clear “And they lived happily ever after.”
Three months after the book came out, the girl dumped Neil and hooked up with a rock star, who apparently had something going on that DID work on her.
And that’s the problem with the “It would never work on me” crowd – no matter how much anyone insists or postures that nothing would work on them... well, they’re human.
Which means that, unless they’re completely asexual (and truth be told, about 1% of the population IS, so there’s always that chance), then SOMETHING works on them.
And odds are, it isn’t taking things super slow and showing what a great friend or long-term provider you’d make for them that does it.
We’ve discussed this here before, but it’s worth spelling out in this article.
In terms of whom you can most easily seduce, the break down is thus:
Sexually inexperienced men:
Less experienced women: HARD
More experienced women: MODERATE
Sexually experienced men:
Less experienced women: EASY
More experienced women: MODERATE
Notice that as you become more experienced with women, women who are themselves more experienced than you do not become any easier... while women who are themselves less experienced sexually than you become much, much easier.
Experience Overcoming Resistance
These experience differentials exist because the more experienced you get, the more experience you accumulate creating the right situations and emotions for intimacy that less experienced women find positively intoxicating, and the more easily you learn to deflect their efforts to resist or slow things down with convincing, seductive arguments for why now, rather, is the time for unbridled passion... and not later, in some distant time in the indeterminate future.
Meanwhile, as you increase in experience, women who are more sexually experienced than you will always be more sexually than experienced than you (if they weren’t, they’d be less experienced, and then they’d be easier), and thus they will be the ones more experienced at avoiding seductive situations and deflecting your efforts to speed things up... unless they decide they want otherwise with you.
Hence, it works like this: regardless your experience level, women who are more experienced than you are always going to be able to control the pace of things.
That means, if they decide they want fast sex with you, they will set it up; if they decide they want things to progress slowly with you, there will be little you can do about this otherwise.
Conversely: when it comes to women
sexually experienced than you, you’ll be stonewalled when you yourself
are inexperienced, but will leap over those walls when you’re more experienced.
When you are inexperienced with women, you won’t know how to deal with inexperienced women’s automatic seduction shut-downs, and you’ll actually have an easier time with experienced women, who won’t shut you down but will rather just redirect you to play the game on their terms.
For instance, a man who invites a woman home may get these two resistances:
Inexperienced woman: Do you do this with every girl? You try to go home with her on the first date?
Experienced woman: Hmm... why don’t we go through a walk in the park instead?
Faced with the inexperienced woman’s protestations, the
inexperienced man crumbles, uncertain what to say. She sees this
weakness in him and loses all interest, and he’s blown it with her. He
never gets the girl. Maybe he ends up in the friend zone, if he’s lucky.
Meantime, the experienced woman has deflected his advances, and slowed things down. But, if he continues to pursue her, at some point he may still eventually get sex.
So, for him, while women more sexually experienced than him aren’t easy, they are easier than their less sexually experienced peers for him.
But what happens if the man is a bit more sexually experienced?
If he’s more sexually experienced, the relative ease of seducing each woman is flipped.
That’s because he’s still stuck in a bind with the woman more experienced than him, who is slowing down and deflecting his advances. A woman more experienced than him is about as challenging for an experienced man as a proportionately more experienced woman is for an inexperienced man, too.
A man who’s slept with 5 women and gone on dates with 15 will have a difficult time controlling the pace of the interaction with a woman who’s slept with 10 men and gone on dates with 40.
Similarly, a man who’s slept with 50 women and gone on dates with 90 will have just as difficult a time controlling the pace of the interaction with a woman who’s slept with 80 men and gone on dates with over 200.
While the men’s experience
levels change, the relative difficulty of sleeping with more
experienced women than themselves does not.
However, as you become a more experienced seducer, you get better and better at overcoming less experienced women’s forms of resistance, because you’ve seen them all a hundred times and you know just how to deal with them.
So when the more experienced man gets a girl saying, “Do you do this with every girl? You try to go home with her on the first date?”
He responds with something like, “Only the ones with little roses tattooed on the smalls of their backs,” (if she showed him she had a rose tattoo on her back earlier) or he stares her in the eyes, smiles mischievously, and says, “Yes.”
And then he takes her hand and leads her back home.
Why Don’t Less Experienced Women Act More?
If you’re really thinking about this as you read, your first thought might be, “Well, if everyone in an interaction is trying to push things more in his favor – men will usually be pushing for sex to happen sooner, while women will typically be pushing for it to happen later – why wouldn’t a less experienced woman simply employ the strategies of a more experienced woman?”
That is to say, why don’t less experienced women simply do the things with men that work so well for more experienced women in controlling the pace of the interaction?
It comes down to two things:
They’re too nervous / excited to, and
They don’t know what more experienced women do
This website, Girls Chase, and the articles and programs available here, essentially serve as training tools to arm less experienced men with more experienced mindsets and tactics to enable them to better control the pace of the interaction with women they like and bed them more consistently and reliably.
And, there are some tools available like that for women to allow women to better control the pace of the interaction too without having to go out and rack up all that experience themselves first – website/magazines like Cosmopolitan, books like The Rules, etc.
But most women and most men don’t spend a huge amount of time consuming these materials... most people have a few tips they’ve found out from various sources, but more or less stumble around and figure things out (or don’t) for themselves.
Yet, even IF she’s an inveterate Cosmo
reader, or a complete Rules
junkie, if you’re clearly more socially and sexually adept she’s going
to tend to be too nervous to put into action tactics she picked up in a
And that works both ways; you might be really good at using Girls Chase tactics you’ve studied with an average girl, but meet a stunner or a girl from that one group of girls you really want to do well with (could be bleached blonde bombshells, or Latinas, or Asian girls, or Arab girls, or whatever) and your mind goes blank and you fall back on whatever your default programming is with really high value (to you) women... and maybe you end up taking her on an expensive dinner date, paying for it, then never seeing her again and slapping your forehead because you should KNOW better than that... but you still did it anyway.
Thus, men and women can act a little more experienced than they really are from consuming a lot of dating and seduction advice, but in the end, there’s no match for raw experience.
Because even if you know material front and back, if your knees start shaking in someone’s very presence, it all goes out the window.
That’s why we focus so much on getting your fundamentals in order on this site... so you can give women butterflies in their stomachs and present yourself as one of a very select few.
So... Does Seduction Only Work on Sluts?
Of course not.
When you’re new and first starting out, you’ll often find that the easiest women for you to sleep with are the ones who are more sexually experienced – women who’ve racked up lots of partners already, and have a few or even many more than you.
That’s because these women won’t throw the clumsy blanket shut-down attempts at you that leave you flummoxed and flailing that inexperienced women do... which consequently kill any attraction they might have for you when you fail to handle these well.
More experienced women are more poised in how they deflect your advances, and do so in ways that allow you to preserve more of your value and don’t scare you off from trying to get somewhere with them.
Yet, as you grow more experienced, you get better and better at scaling the wall that is less experienced women’s resistances – to the point where nearly all forms of resistance put up by less experienced women to you is completely trivial.
Less experienced women find it easier and easier to say “yes” to you because YOU become more and more attractive, more and more mesmerizing, and better and better able to sidestep any efforts to deflect your advances or control the pace of the interaction as you progress. They fall into your bed more and more rapidly... and do so with big smiles on their faces.
When you talk to inexperienced women who’ve had a few partners and will talk candidly with you about them, their partner list nearly always includes another inexperienced guy or two, but then a few really experienced playboys, too. They may tell you they thought the guy was going to be a boyfriend, or maybe everything “just happened” and they kind of fell into bed with him.
If the guy was indelicate in handling them after, sometimes they
feel cheated. Or, if he handled their emotions properly, they may still
recall him warmly.
When you are experienced enough, you become this man – the one that women with just a handful of lovers, or none at all, fall easily into bed with... women who are the very opposite of a “slut.”
Who even uses the term “slut” or talks about “easy women”, anyway?
In my experience... it’s women who are already “easy” themselves.
I’ve found that the most judgmental women against easy women tend to be ones with high partner counts relative to their age groups and regions. That varies from place to place – e.g., a girl with 5 partners in a traditional, rural area may fear that she’s a raging slut, while a girl with 5 partners in the big city is going to feel pretty confident that she’s one of the most chaste women in town – but if she fears that relative to her area she has a high partner count, she’ll tend to rail against slutty behavior more often than not.
It’s reputation preservation. If I call everyone else a liar, no one
will realize that I’m the one who’s full of lies.
In fact, it’s gotten to the point now where if I hear a woman attacking other women for being “easy” or “loose” or “such a slut”, I automatically take that as an indication that the woman tossing those words around is herself the very thing she judges other women for (or at least, she fears she is).
So... does seduction ONLY work on sluts?
Actually, once you’re reasonably good with your fundamentals and are reasonably sexually experienced, you’ll quickly find that it works BEST on inexperienced women, who don’t yet have the tools and skill sets to slow you down and control the pace to go more the way they want it to go rather than they way you do.
Although when you’re starting out, much of your success will indeed tend to come with easier women.
And if that’s not a reason to appreciate the girls who are more sexually experienced than you (for giving you that leg up into the world of success with women that inexperienced women have a very hard time giving to inexperienced men), I don’t know what is.