The Sad Tale of "Shopping Guy"

In this post, I'd like to share with you a cautionary tale. I'd like to tell you the story of a man named Shopping Guy.

Shopping Guy isn't really his name. His family and his friends call him something else, no doubt; something closer to an actual name and less of a label. But I know him only as Shopping Guy.

I first learned of this unfortunate soul one night when my girlfriend came to visit. She has a number of men she's friends or acquaintances with, you see, who'd very much like to be more than friends or acquaintances of hers. And the stories she tells me about their tragic attempts to get together with her are enough to make a man cringe.

Part of the reason I cringe when I hear these stories is because I can see everything these guys are doing terribly, awfully wrong. Another part of the reason, though, is because I've been there before, and I still wince at the recollection.

You may have been there before, or you might still be there right now – either way, the story of Shopping Guy, and a reflection on his mistakes, is, I think, well worth spending a few minutes of your time on. Hopefully, his tale will help you avoid ending up like him with girls you like in the future.

Shopping Guy's Story

The first mention I heard of Shopping Guy was several weeks back, when my girl told me she went shopping with one of her workmates. As she told me about their outing, where she browsed clothes for several hours while he waited, holding her handbag for her, she referred to him as "Shopping Guy," and his name was forged.

I heard of him again the other day, when my girlfriend and I were outside. She handed me her purse while she put on her coat; then she started walking. I stood there and called her to come back, and when she did, I handed her her purse. "You forgot this," I said.

"Shopping Guy told me men should always hold my purse for me!" she said, half playfully, half indignantly. "He said I was not demanding enough about getting what I deserved!"

"Oh, really?" I said. "So Shopping Guy holds your purse for you?" I asked her.

"Yes!" she said.

"Well," I answered, "maybe you ought to call him up and let him know where we're going. He can come hold your purse for you." I smiled at her impishly.

"I hate you!" she said, a big smile on her face. Then, we headed off, her holding her purse, and me with my hands free, as I like them.

Shopping Guy came up in conversation again yesterday, as my girl and I headed out. I needed to buy some groceries, and she needed some pants, so we swung by a shopping mall to hit the department store so she could grab her pants. It was the first time I've gone shopping with her (it's not something I particularly enjoy, so usually I decline any invites of this sort, but it was on the way). "This is where I come with Shopping Guy!" she said.

"Ah, so this is where you guys go, huh?" I asked her.

"Yeah!" she said. "We have been here several times. He never buys anything, just waits for me while I buy things."

"Sounds like a great time for him," I said.

"The first time we went shopping, he waited for me to finish my role in the company play for five hours," she told me.

"Wait – what?" I asked. I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. "So, he sat and waited there for you for five hours?"

"Yeah!" she said proudly. "He waited five hours for me!"

"Oh my God," I said. "I guess he really wanted to go shopping with you!" She laughed.

Now, I've heard stories like this before. My ex-girlfriend from Peru used to have guys doing all kinds of things for her, and this girl is in many ways her long-lost Chinese twin sister. So I'm not surprised to hear this kind of thing. I am still always a little amazed to hear the lengths some of these cats go to try and court a gal.

My girlfriend recently had one of her guy friends blow up at her when he tried to go home with her and she turned him down. He got pretty upset, then stormed off saying he'd never talk to her again. He called her the next day, of course, and was all conciliatory. This is at least the second time this has happened with a guy trying to get with her since she and I have been together.

Unlike either of those blow-up guys, though, Shopping Guy continues to be a good and loyal companion, and he continues going shopping with my girlfriend and holding her bags for her. He doesn't know she's seeing me, mind you; I'm her secret lover.

Whenever my girlfriend asks me to carry her handbag for her, and I politely decline, she protests, "Shopping Guy would carry it for me. He'd ask to carry it for me."

And I continue to tell her, "Well, maybe you ought to call him up and get him over here then. He can join us – maybe he can carry my coat, too."

And she laughs, and that's the end of it.

Why Do Guys Do This – and Why Do Girls Let Them?

You might think my girlfriend is an evil, diabolical gal who uses men for her own devices.

In fact though, nothing could be further from the truth.

My girl's a really sweet, considerate person who cares about other people and very much wants to make sure she doesn't hurt anyone's feelings if she can avoid it. Actually, when that guy got upset that she wouldn't let him take her home last week, she called me right away and asked me if she did something wrong.

See, here's the thing. Even though I've told my girl repeatedly that these guys are really only after one thing with her, she still doesn't see it; and, in my experience, this is true for most women. The vast majority of women, in fact.

Guys who go the friend route often do such a good job convincing women of their good intentions that they get completely removed from the running in any kind of romantic or sexual consideration.

It's not that girls are evil or manipulative. It's that they really believe these guys are their friends.

Think about it. If someone spends a great deal of time trying to be your friend, and then months later explodes, saying you never give him or her the attention that he/she deserves, aren't you going to be at least a little bit surprised and shocked? I mean, you thought this person was your friend. You didn't realize they had a whole other concealed agenda.

This is what Shopping Guy did wrong: he concealed his interest, and hoped that by being a good enough friend, my girl would recognize what a great guy he was and the two of them would magically end up together.

Well, magic ain't real. And women rarely – very rarely – are the ones who push for things, pull the trigger, or make it happen.

It's on you.

But lots of guys don't realize that. So, they keep hanging around, waiting; being good friends. Holding shopping bags and handbags. And getting nothing.

Honestly, if you told Shopping Guy that he had no chance of being with my girl whatsoever, or if you told him that she had a boyfriend right now, do you think he'd still be accompanying her on shopping expeditions, standing around for hours at a time waiting for her, holding her stuff, while she looks to upgrade her wardrobe?

Yeah, me neither.

How to Not Be Shopping Guy

So how do you avoid ending up like Shopping Guy? There are a handful of things to keep in mind.

First off, you don't go out of your way trying to be extra helpful to girls. If you can help them while abiding by the Law of Least Effort, do so, for sure. If you can't, then seriously think twice about it. There's a big reason why almost all of the dates I go on these days entail me meeting girls at the subway stop near my place, taking them to a café underneath my building, then taking them upstairs to my place afterward. It's because I don't want to be investing too much time working to make things happen with a girl.

Second, you want to be clear about your intentions. That doesn't mean you need to verbally state outright that you're interested in a girl; that can be useful when you're starting out and you need to lean a bit more on verbal stuff to convey the messages you want to convey, but as you improve you'll want to do a better and better job with your implications. When you're doing things right, women should be picking up just from the way you are with them that you're interested. Check out "How to be a Sexy Man" and "Chase Framing" for more on how to do this.

Third, you need to move faster with women. Moving slow is one of the primary reasons men end up in the friend zone. Fast-moving guys don't get friend zoned. They get the girl, or at least get her admiration for trying. Women have more respect for a man who moves fast and tries and fails to win them over than they do for a man who plays it slow and safe and takes the friendly guy route. Safe, friendly guys don't inspire much emotion in women. Cool, dangerous, sexy guys, though – they certainly do.

Finally, you need to be a bit ruthless about cutting your losses and moving on. Unless a woman offers tremendous value to you outside of being a lover of yours, she ought not have a chance of you being just friends with her. That sounds kind of harsh to say, but really: whatever great traits some girl has, couldn't you also find a girl with the same great traits who's your lover as well?

Sure you could.

Spending time on women you aren't lovers with is a poor use of your time. You could use that same time spent hovering in some girl's friend zone while she dates other men to instead go out and find your own girl who's just as cool and fun and pretty as her and who goes to bed with you as well. Always keep in mind that women treat their lovers eminently better than they do their friends. If you're taking her to bed regularly and rocking her world, she's just plain and simple going to treat you much better and much more deferentially than she is if you aren't.

Does doing all these things guarantee you'll end up with every girl you want to? No. But it will help your odds of accomplishing as much. In addition, it'll enable you to weed out the women who are taking up your time while giving little that you value in return.

Remember that any girls who've friend zoned you aren't doing it maliciously. My girl honestly enjoys having these guys in her friend zone as her friends; she likes them as people, if not as potential lovers. To put things in perspective though, I'll leave you with something she said to me about one of them that neatly sums up women's mentality on guys who are just friends.

I asked her quite recently why she wants one of these guys as a friend in the first place. Her response:

"Because it's nice that he listens to me and I know he can help me and I hope that maybe one day if I need it he can do me a big favor."

She isn't being selfish or manipulative. She really is a sweet girl. But this guy has offered himself, his time, and his resources to her without any requirements or preconditions; his time and energy have been unconditionally offered to her. So of course she's going to look to put them to the best possible use for herself; what else do you do with unconditional offers? You figure out how best to use them.

So, don't offer yourself unconditionally. Make sure women know you're warm, you're value-giving, and you're a guy who truly cares – but that you are so on your terms. That's how you avoid ending up waiting around five hours for a girl to finish up what she's doing and take you on her shopping trip, where you stand around a few more hours holding her bags for her while she browses the aisles.

That's how you end up not being Shopping Guy.

Here's hoping someday Shopping Guy figures this out too. I'm rooting for the guy.

Chase Amante