Navigating the Culture of Me | Girls Chase

Navigating the Culture of Me

culture of meWeighing in on "You’re Not That Special (and Neither is She)", 340Breeze made a great and perceptive comment on the emotional inhibition and sexual repression rampant in Western English-speaking countries, particularly in America. His comment was a long one, but it's a good one, and I'll repost it in its entirety here:

There needs to be a solution to dealing with the culture and its influence on women's mentalities...and a discussion on how those influences make seduction more difficult than it should otherwise be. Here in America we men have to deal with, among other things: the slut-shaming phenomenon, and other inhibitions that emanate from commodity status. I am glad that you guys have pointed out some of these detrimental mindsets. Would be nice to see an article or at least a page that summarizes these inhibition inducing mindsets, and a solution or two that a man can use to empower the women he fancies.

One issue (among many) with commodity status is how the observers/players treat commodities. If a woman thinks a man is a commodity, and thus expendable, why would she spend much time forgiving slights and looking for value in him as a person? The path of least resistance is to get bored and easily replace the commodity with something else. But you can quickly see why a man would (a commodity) be hesitant to treat any particular woman that he meets as special as she thinks she is, especially if he fears that he would open up himself to potential hurt/pain given that she would replace him in an instant. But that's inhibition.

I think this commodity concept stems from capitalism in part. Commercials, movies, etc make things/products appear effortless like there is little hard-work involved in creating a superior product/service, which of course is an illusion. Another issue with capitalism's influence on people's mentalities is the ease of acquiring the goods that you most value. If you have the money/credit then you simply buy it/get a loan for it. Simple. But getting the people you most value to remain incentivized to come back for more isn't always easy or effortless at all (until you become more attractive than most). Some girls I've met who think they're superior just don't understand how they stack up against other 'outlier' women that I've met before. Some are unaware or don't care all that much about what qualities an 'outlier woman' possesses vs an average woman who thinks she is superior but lacks most of the outlier qualities. Yet these average women feel entitled to be treated as special as a woman who possesses (in my view) superior qualities and abilities. Qualities such as feminine charm, grace, ambition, uninhibited (and thus not lukewarm) when it comes to her sexuality, smarts, good body weight, independence, good looks, humility, living a passionate life she truly enjoys, can tease/take jokes adequately, knows how to touch me to excite me, can dress the part well (casual vs sophisticated), high emotional intelligence about people's needs/wants other than her own, and so on.

The problem with dating is how some people respond to the dreaded commodity status. Some become somewhat inhibited (if they feel they may replaced at a moment's notice by inadvertently triggering autorejection in someone they like). Others might overcompensate and become an asshole (who negs other people to pop the bubble of superiority and bring others down to earth). I've met girls who refuse to compliment, who refuse to charm, who refuse to do anything to make a new, unproven man, feel special..at all. And at first I couldn't understand this mentality (like how could you like somebody but refuse to make them feel good??) But I've asked some women why, and they've later told me they fear being charming at all to a new guy because they don't want to inflate any egos of any man who might drop them on a dime...Hmmm.

But the point of seduction is to treat another human being special. Unfortunately, inhibition is a killer to seduction. Much of what you guys teach bears this out...you guys teach how to respond to inhibited women who worry about slut-shaming, which causes inhibition. You guys also teach how to avoid auto-rejection and the inhibited/cold behavior that results from it. Again, inhibition. And plus women are attracted to confidence like moths to a flame and by definition the confident aggressive seducer doesn't present himself in an inhibited way.

So I've been thinking about it recently, trying to put words to my actions, and I conclude that what has resulted is my response to women's behavior that follows from 'commodity status.' I have to spend much of my time in the beginning around certain women having to empower them and subtly encourage them (excite them even??) to become less inhibited around me and to open up and to trust me...on a deeper, non-superficial basis. I have to instill confidence in them first that it is okay to be sexual, or to tell deep secrets that they hold inside. But if I am successful, then the floodgates of emotion flow out from within. Other girls are relatively uninhibited from the start and need little, if any encouraging on my part to spice things up really nicely. Have you ever noticed a similar phenomenon?

Cheers,

340Breeze.

I agree with Breeze, that this is one worth addressing - so here's my shot at explaining what this is and how to deal with it.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Comments

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase, I've been having an issue for quite some time now. When I look good, i.e. dressing in the right clothes and well groomed, I feel confident. When I'm not, my confidence starts to deplete. It looks like you don't focus as much on the neuroscience aspect of "inner game," but I'm wondering if my insecurity has something to do with an anchor tied to when I wasn't confident and not good-looking (I see the old me and turn into the old me). I don't know what to do, I've been working on this for quite some time now, do you have any suggestions? I can literally feel the physiological changes in me taking place from posture, voice tonality, breathing, etc. when I change back and forth from "new" to "old" me and vice versa.

Moon's picture

Honestly, i have the same experience!!!

Anonymous's picture

Bad boys get tattoos, rich guys suits, goths trench coats. All Make them feel a certain way. I think most people without these things, or if you dressed them up as little girls everyday would act very differently.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Yes, that's the "clothes make the man" effect. e.g., when you're wearing a nice suit, you'll puff your chest out, act powerful, and feel good. It's largely psychological, but reinforced and refined by the receptions you get. e.g., I once bought a jacket I thought was cool, but women went far beyond cool, and started telling me how sexy I was and how handsome I was and whatnot whenever I had it on. I realized at the time I'd also made a number of other changes as well, but it couldn't be helped; still whenever I slip that jacket on, I feel like I'm exuding double the sex energy. It could also be an "old you" vs. "new you" anchor too, if you always dressed / looked a certain way before, and you still dress that way sometimes. I've made it a personal habit in life of personally dropping whatever my old look was whenever I transition to a new one, and never going back to the old one - it's a separation ritual of sorts.

That said, on the reverse side of things, I've extensively tested going out feeling "great" like this, where you feel like a million bucks, like the sexiest man in the world, etc., and going out feeling terrible, and I haven't found much difference in the actual results I get. The REACTIONS are certainly different - excited, energetic reactions vs. subdued reactions from women, for instance. But in raw terms of dates and sexual encounters, pumped state vs. unpumped state seems so far as I can tell to be almost undifferentiated, provided you go out and approach the same number of women each time. I talked about this in this article: "Going Out to Meet Women Even When You Don’t Want to."

If you still want the mojo bump though, that one's simple enough: just wear the clothes that make you feel like hot stuff, and buy more of them. Make it so that every item of clothing you buy makes you feel damn good. There are fashionable, attractive options for wearing to work, parties, casual wear, even the gym. Even if you don't feel like you need the boost, there's no reason not to just have sharp clothes you wear everywhere - they're usually not that much more expensive than Average Joe clothes if you shop around, and they give you that little extra edge in attractiveness (or BIG extra edge, depending on how wide the gulf is between them and what you used to wear) that just makes your life easier.

Chase

Sam2's picture

Chase, this is a very intelligent way of actually touching upon the essence of seduction; calibration and understanding what is what regarding this give-and-take game.

Here is an example. A girl you took for 2-3 dates telling you in the face the following: "You don't do anything to promote things between us... You only call me for drinks and then trying to get me to your place for sex...You only want to fuck me...I want to be seduced and feel that it happened...You don't like the game and you don't have patience, but I do like the phase before sex (chase game) and after sex (potentially relationship)...You are a taker and play aloof...I don't know what you do with other women, but I am not like that etc"

Based on this article there are two interpretations:

A) The girl really likes you. She genuinely feels frustrated by your objectifying her. She knows your value as a man and tries to keep you in her life. She doesn't want you to leave after sex. She wants you to pass her commitment standards and she is proactively helping you to do so. She wants to tame the "beast" and make you see her value.

B) She doesn't like you. She wants to control you. She labels you "player", "taker" etc to obscure her own player/taker attitude. She wants to promote her own unspecified agenda prior to sex and only does minor erotic things with you (e..g. kissing on first date, then giving you the cheek for the next ones). She buys time and she doesn't intend to give you a full erotic experience.

To give or not to give status? To have or not to have inhibitions? Very hard to distinguish, in my opinion.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Sam-

A girl like that - who can clearly and unequivocally communicate her preferences for how the seduction process unfolds, and layout a path to sex calmly and rationally - is telling you she's a pro with plenty of experience, and that she views you as someone less experienced than herself whom she is annoyed is not following the path she believes he "should."

When you have girls who pull the "pro card" on you like this, it's generally a sign you've messed up pretty glaringly somewhere and given them the impression that they know the seduction process a lot better than you do, which puts them into the "teacher" role and you the "student" role. When they're talking openly with you about sex, that usually means they're corralling you into a casual partner role; if they wanted you as a boyfriend, they'd play coy and act like they're "not like that."

How you proceed with these situations is dependent on what you want. I used to run into them every so often when I was still just learning, and it was always like getting hit with a bucket of water... the girl just seemed to drop all her femininity when she started talking about sex like she knew it much more than I did and wanted me to follow some logical progression of steps toward it, and I'd just lose interest in pursuing the girls any further and would abort the mission. It's a good sign when you see this that this isn't a girl you're going to be able to affect emotionally with your present level of game; you might be able to stick it out long enough to do whatever it she needs you to do, but usually her message is more a sign that "I need a man to make me feel a certain way, and you've already shown me / convinced me that you cannot do that."

One thing I WILL say is that chasing a woman who asks you to chase her never leads you to anything other than a permanent place in the friend zone. Your best shot if you're going to keep taking shots is to ignore this, but sit down and figure out why you're failing to affect her, and switch up your strategy to try something different and hopefully more effective.

Chase

Sam2's picture

Chase, thank you for your input.

I took her to my place after the first date where I made out/touched her. When we arrived to my place she asked me whether I bring all girls home for the first date. I replied "I do not hesitate to do so", she said "I can see that". She resisted sex, I dropped the ball and gave her a lift to her place.

After that, I contacted her for another date. She did not reply for three days, then she contacted me and SHE proposed to meet. I agreed. Instead of kisses on the mouth, she gave the cheek. I got fazed and I showed it. At a point between these 4 dates in total she introduced me to a female cousin of hers. The cousin actively tried to encourrage me; "She likes you, you know..it is up to you to move things forward", I told her "She is harsh and unfeminine with me and I don't like that" to which she replied "Don't stay on the surface, go for it".

My take is that she felt I follow a pattern with all women and that I expect things to happen in a linear-automatic fashion. She put up her walls to try my limits and persistence in her effort to feel herself "special".

Bolt's picture

Hey Chase, I've been following your technician ebook and I am currently at the viewing women as sex objects portion. I've been doing this particular step for quite some time to really get it down but usually when me and the girl are out eating together and I'm viewing her sexually (imagining her in my bedroom) she asks "Why are you looking at me like that"? I usually respond with "like what" but she can never give me a straight answer on how I'm looking at her. This has happened quite a few times with different girls. I don't think it's a creepy look because the girls never say I'm looking at them in a weird way. I don't know if their uncomfortable with the sexual tension or if I'm doing it wrong since I'm still working on it. What do you think?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Bolt-

It's probably a case of "doesn't match the situation." e.g., if you're a guy who exudes sexuality all the time, you can throw on sexy eye contact, and women will just blush. But if you're normally not very sexual, and the situation itself / the phase of the interaction is not a sexual one, it can seem out of place.

I wouldn't worry too much about this one; instead, I'd keep your eye contact where it is, and just work on bringing the rest of your nonverbal communication up to part with it so the eye contact no longer seems incongruent.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Good article. However, it sounds like it isn't high self esteem that's the problem but it's low self-esteem masquerading as high-self esteem. Or a false sense of high self-esteem which in reality is low self- esteem. These guarded people who seem to be obsessed with themselves and think they are special and perfect really have low self-esteem but have been convinced that they have high self-esteem.

Y's picture

A wealth to reflect on here, Chase. Question about your concluding point on ending things the right way.

Your article on how to break up is incredibly insightful on that front. However, as open as I am to a relationship with 'the right girl', most women I meet although with a lot of beauty about them, and sometimes even the potential to grow into 'the right girl', are not there yet. I'm not going to go into too much detail here about my definition of the right girl, because that's a topic into itself (a topic where your work is also invaluably insightful).

I also share your aversion to extended casual relationships, because those just seem to slowly lead to complacency. So what are your insights on sensitively ending things with a girl after only a few encounters?

Even though I disqualify myself as a boyfriend from the onset, including disqualifying explicitly, even ending a casual thing needs to be handled with care. I've unintentionally hurt some beautiful souls doing this wrong way Chase, and each incident seems to stay on my conscience. So any insights here or articles on this would mean the world, brother.

Now of course this won't be foolproof. But every insight helps. I should also clarify, that my definition of ending things 'the right way' is the same as the one you touched on here; leaving her with no doubt that the beauty you saw in her, and told her you saw in her, is there, and you genuinely see it.

Also potentially important to note, that at my level of experience, although it often only takes one encounter to subtly screen a girl for my relationship criteria (eg: time-orientation, self ownership, etc.) sometimes still takes me a few encounters.

Cheers,
Y

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Y-

Personally, I will usually only sleep with a girl I don't want as a girlfriend once, or, if I really enjoyed the first time, twice (usually a week later or so), to get her out of my system. When I used to do casual relationships, the girl would either drift away on her own or get into a relationship, or I'd dial things down and then leave for a trip somewhere and simply not reconnect with her when I got back.

If you're seeing her more than twice, but not enough to make it a full-blown casual relationship, that's a little bit complicated. Generally after three times sleeping together with you, a woman starts seeing you as some kind of relationship - maybe a booty call, maybe a budding boyfriend.

What you might try if you want to do something like this is simply schedule every next meeting out twice as long as the last. e.g., your second roll in the hay is a week after the first; third is two weeks later; fourth is a month. That should give you enough spacing that even the craziest of women will know this thing isn't going anywhere, and prevent you from having to deal with hurting girls or having any bad fallout.

Chase

Wolf's picture

How do you get a girl thats obsessed with another dude? This girl is in my social work circle, and I don't talk to her at all. She likes this one cat like crazy I heard and I want to Know if its possible to still pull in this situation and what to do?

Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Wolf-

You don't. You wait until the infatuation period wraps up and she goes into auto-rejection over the guy over not pursuing her and giving her what she wants, and then you provide her an easy way of feeling like a woman again (and possibly trying to make him regret what he doesn't now have).

Trying to fight extreme emotions is like fighting a hurricane. Don't fight it; just wait for it to pass, then pick up the pieces.

Chase

Troy's picture

Hey Chase, ive got to really deep issue to ask about today. I feel that my life will soon be taken away from me. I live in a community with dangerous teenage school drop outs and big men. They go around and commit crimes on a regular basis. Now with my lack of social skills and friends, I dont have any social protection (persons that many other people like and have connections dont get troubled). I think you might remember that i am in high school and i am 17 years old. Im becoming afraid to walk out my house. I live with my parents and 2 brothers and 1 sister. i feel like i dont belong anywhere even at home with family. Now my life is in danger right now. these dangerous guys pick on people that seem to be loners like myself.

The situation mainly started when i made a friend next door, a young man who is a christian. we would sometimes meet up and take a walk to go to church or walk in my community to find some girls to talk to since we are both inexperienced with getting girls. Now there are other neighbours around me who started rumors of us being gay and telling people they have seen us kissing and holding hands. the persons making these rumors are setting me up for possible getting killed.

What do you think i could do? I try avoiding them but everytime of day everywhere near my house i see them. today i was chased by 1 of them with a knife. I might consider self defence classes but i dont have any money to pay for them and the centres for that are far from where i live. Even still i cant win every battle even the world best fighter will lose if everybody gang up against him. the worst part about me dealing with this is being seen as a easy target all my life since i stand out alone, i am not much of a fighter and need some muscle and these guys have guns, knives and anything possible to cause damage.

Im talking to my parents about getting me to live with someone elsewhere or me just staying inside the house.

How do i present myself with powerful body language to ward off criminals?
How do i talk to criminals to not make them more on the defensive to hurt me?

If i dont move elsewhere, then how can i get around this situation?

Any help from other readers here too is greatly needed and appreciated now! thanks!

I feel like breaking down and i might have to take a while from this seduction thing for a while... i was held up by 3 guys last night when coming home from school and it scares the hell out of me to leave my house now!
The worst thing is that the police never do anything when these situations happen and its only when the victim is killed that you see them come up at the scene with yellow tape and there fancy james bond gadgets. any help is greatly appreciated. thanks in advance!

troy

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Troy-

If you genuinely, genuinely fear for your life, there is nothing else to do but get out of that area. It might be a pain in the ass to move, or figure out how to move, but a pain in the ass is better than pushing up grass. There's no reason to stay in an area where you're going to get killed for anything. Unless you're living in sub-Saharan Africa or some war-torn part of the world, 95% of the places in your country are not going to be life-threatening places to live - even 95% of the impoverished places.

If you're not scared enough to move no matter what, but you're still scared of being held up, mugged, etc., then just remove everything that might make you a target. Only wear cheap, ugly shoes and clothes that nobody wants or will bother to steal; carry little or no money; don't care credit cards, jewelry, a debit card people can force you to give out the PIN for, etc. Not getting messed with in dangerous situations is about being tough, relaxed, and non-confrontational, OR being angry and insane. It's not just LOOKING those ways; you've actually got to be them when felt out (and all but the most inexperienced guys will feel you out before they try anything with you, because they know it's not smart messing with people who are going to be a danger to themselves when there are plenty of other marks around).

Again though, if you're genuinely scared of getting shot or stabbed - leave. Most countries have schools in every city - move somewhere safer and go to school there instead. Can't get good grades and a degree if you're dead.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Yikes, can't imagine what this is like although what comes to mind is the Clint Eastwood movie "Gran Torino." I wish I could help you but I'm convinced that the precedent has already been set, and therefore wouldn't really suggest you start interacting with them. Most of what you could have done about it is what Chase mentioned: being tough, relaxed, non-confrontational etc. The reasoning is very analogous to the principles behind seduction. You could have interpreted it differently or found some way to change the frame. Perhaps be a different sort of ally without having to join them. I think I heard somewhere how a mother's son was never bothered in a dangerous neighborhood before because she cared for and was loved by everyone. Once you give into the frame though, it's quite difficult to change. It's not just about their perception either, the more unfortunate reality is that at this stage, without truly being "alpha" you will not be able to accomplish this. This is far from something that can change overnight. Even if you could fake it or somehow pull it off, I wouldn't recommend it simply because it's your LIFE at risk. I know nothing about you though, all I know is that you're gambling with your life.

I'm almost hesitant to give you advice, again I really can't gauge the dynamic of the situation, but you first need to figure out how you're going to react from now on. You're either going to run from them because you pose them as a threat, or not even notice them and just walk calmly and comfortably (this is also the best thing to do if the former is out of the question). It's going to be harder to pull of the latter due to having already established the precedent of the former, but the payoff of the latter will be handsome in terms of your own personal development. My personal opinion is that most bullies are normal people. It's the crazy people who have mental issues or are on drugs that you need to watch out for and have no control over. That said, you need to be right about your analysis of the situation and where you are at personally.

Eric D's picture

Chase, don't you think that many women enjoy and are attracted to a man who puts himself on the line and pursues a girl because of how special he thinks she is (I think the movie "The Notebook" actually presented a similar theme) and no one else makes him feel the same way? In a non-needy way of course. I almost feel like I got a girl once because I started off this way (I really was mesmerized by her in every way possible) and then lost her when I started to play more hard to get and cool. Sure enough, the next chump who treated her like his one and only captured her heart.

Anonymous's picture

Isn't that the definition of true leadership (in the movie) when he knows what he wants, goes after it, and believes in what they have, leading her to it. Lets not Forget how women swoon over that movie...

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Eric-

Yes, absolutely. If you're playing games, you're already admitting that you don't really have her heart, and she probably doesn't have yours... it very frequently backfires. Straight, direct, and sincere is almost always the winning bet, mixed in with just enough intrigue to keep her guessing.

Check out this article - it's all about this: "The Men's Guide to Playing Hard to Get."

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Chase,

From the deepest part of me I want to thank you for this article. I just want you to know that I see what great insight, and I want to say genius, you possess. Your talent, vision, and clarity of expression are beyond words. I don't think you get nearly enough recognition for what you are showing people.

I've been struggling with these issues with people in my life for a long time now. I've always called the climbers, scrappers, because they have so little, or feel like they have so little, they have to fight amongst each other for scraps. And I see it, most people are ready to fight for scraps the moment I begin an interaction with them. But I short-circuit them, and I immediately give to them, and it takes about 5 seconds for them to compute whats going on, but then they give back to me.

Unfortunately, sometimes the scrappers chip away at me enough, without giving me a chance to disarm them, and unknowingly I revert back to their way of behavior. It sounds unpleasant, it's terrible and grating, I can't live that way. All I want is to go back to giving to people.

So, I've devoted countless hours pouring over past interactions and trying to decipher patterns that would let me be the giving person you describe, and I've felt and noticed almost every detail you described in this article. I've been struggling, intensely, to understand this, because I've felt the freedom and I desperately want to keep it. I've come to have a hazy grasp of things, and you, you fucking genius, you ;) you illustrated and defined that which had no definition. You took something extremely complex and made it easy to understand. You just took American culture and all of human social hierarchy, and cut it up like it was your dinner.

I mean you've clarified life for me. You are truly amazing Chase, please keep writing. I'm sure there are others out there like me who have truly appreciate your articles in all of their details. If I weren't struggling to made ends meet right now I would contribute financially, but I hope my words can give to you more.

Anonymous's picture

Chase i keep making progress in terms of mindset shifts but then revert back to normal. Its so frustrating what Am i doing wrong?

Anonymous's picture

Great article

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