Don’t Get Too Attached to a Girl Before the Sale
A few years ago, I wrote "Can't Stop Thinking About Her? Here's Why You Need to Meet More Girls" for all the guys out there going crazy over That One Special Girl. I've been there; I understand it.
It's a tough place to be.
I was reminded of one of the essential elements of this not long ago when coaching a mentee on sales. She was new to it, and had had a string of successes, but then, suddenly, ended up working with a customer who was incredibly difficult: he kept changing his mind, kept calling her and asking to see more product, kept haggling endlessly on price.
And as this went on, as my friend plowed more and more time into this one customer, it became a more and more emotionally charged thing for her, and a bigger and bigger deal.
She also came down more and more on price, and became more and more
willing to sell him something for almost nothing.
Soon it became all she thought about. She ate, slept, and breathed this customer.
Eventually the sale fell though, and it sent her into a rage. How could this customer have wasted so much of her time and not even given her anything?
I was reminded of one of the most important lessons of both sales and seduction then: don't over-invest in any one prospect, and don't get too attached.
The rookie's folly, of course, is that he allows himself to get too attached to one prospect.
One prospect who is guaranteed to give him precisely nothing.
Rookie salesmen and seducers alike are flying blind through inexperience, and struggling with desperation and an utter lack of abundance mentality. Thus, when they strike upon a customer or a girl who shows even a smidgen of interest, they very often do their best to latch their claws on, and pull out all the stops to try to close the sale.
And there begins the process of investing too much in a girl, and getting too attached to a girl.
How Attachment Forms
Though there are a few exceptions, by and large attachment is formed in direct proportion to the amount of emotional "pursuit" energy you put into a thing.
The more you allow something to affect you emotionally as you pursue it, the more attached to it you will become.
That's why I tell men don't chase women. When you're chasing women, not only are you causing them to flee (you can't give chase if she isn't running first), but you're also getting yourself tied up in emotional knots... that are going to bind you to her.
Except, it's not a two-way bind.
You don't bind her to you by getting emotionally attached to her yourself. To the contrary... the more emotionally attached to a girl you become, generally, the less attached (and interested) she'll be in you.
The more time you spend emotionally pursuing something or someone - and any time you even vaguely "want" something, it's emotional, at least to some degree - the more power you give that something or someone over you.
And what happens when someone has power over you?
She realizes it.
And then, she abuses it.
Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely
As a rookie salesman, I'd sometimes encounter the customers who always seemed like they were just about to make up their minds... but then they didn't.
They'd ask for more of your time: could you show them some other options?
They'd ask for more breaks from you: the price is too high - can you do better?
They'd ask for more time to think: they have to think about it - can they let you know later?
All these things are normal requests from people, but some people take these to an art form... a subtle dance of making it appear as if they are wallet-out and ready-to-buy, but they just need one more thing from you... and from this, they get more and more concessions, more and more "give."
What ends up happening is that either they end up not buying at all, and completely wasting your time... or they do buy, but only after having worn you down and gotten things so cheap and with so many frills and benefits for them that you might even be losing money on the deal and you'd have been better off had they never walked into the store.
Why's this happen? Because as you become increasingly emotionally attached to the outcome - as you want to close the deal more and more - you become increasingly willing to do whatever it takes to do so.
This includes doing things that you'd normally never do, that would rule a sale out as ridiculous and laughable if someone walked up to you and asked you for it right off the bat.
The amount of investment you put in goes completely off the charts
compared to the value of what the sale itself is actually worth. It
becomes more about winning, or not having "wasted your time", than it
is about getting anything of any actual real, substantive value.
But because the customer finagled his way into it gradually, over time, getting you to chase more and more, and put more and more effort into it, you got caught like a fly in honey.
Women do this same thing with men. Not all of them - there are some who abstain - but a large portion of the women you meet operate this way exactly with men.
Some of them do it only with those men who more or less MAKE them do it... the ones who won't make a move but keep chasing after women like broken records.
Other women will try to do it with EVERY man - even if she probably
knows you're not going to chase her, she's so addicted to the feeling
of having men chase after her that she's going to try with you anyway.
If you know what they're doing, women usually won't do it with you - they can't do it with you, just as a seasoned salesman can't be taken for a ride by a customer like the above - but you'll catch them doing it with other men. It's not entirely conscious, at least not for most women; but they are at least partly aware of what they're doing.
And it's understandable. Everyone wants to get the best things for himself or herself, often without much consideration for the other party... especially if that other party doesn't show emotion, as men tend not to with women, and salespeople tend not to with customers.
When you hurt a girl, she lets you know it, and you feel bad.
When she hurts you, most of the time, she'll never know about it, because you won't show her.
It isn't that women are cold-hearted hagglers who mercilessly get whatever they can from men because "who cares about men."
Rather, it's that women never see the bad effects of their efforts to squeeze a little bit more, and a little bit more, and a little bit more out of men's time and effort and emotion and investment, because men don't communicate feelings (unlike women, who communicate these things to men, so men learn early on what things hurt women, and quit doing those harmful things).
It's better to think of women the same way you'd think of most customers as a salesperson: as children, who haven't been on the other side of the fence, and don't fully understand that they're dealing with emotional human beings who are prone to feeling things and being hurt too.
And you wouldn't get too attached to trying to get a child to do any one little thing, would you?
"You need to learn not to invest so much time or effort into any one customer... especially a difficult customer," I told my friend.
"But how do I know if he's going to be a difficult customer or not?" she asked.
"Simple," I replied. "You do a good job at the beginning, find out what he wants and needs, give that to him, then ask him to decide; if he still can't, stop wasting time on him, while letting him know the options you've given him are the only ones you have available, and then just wind down your level of investment until he either buys or scrams."
"Although... you're probably going to have to struggle through some
frustrating, time-wasting, and emotionally draining clients to learn
how to recognize when it's time to draw the line, tell him what his
options are, and start cutting investment," I added.
You're Not Off the Hook
The first rule here is you're not off the hook from doing a good job
with the seduction process early on. Just
because you're too attached to a girl now
doesn't mean she started off as a bad prospect.
She may have been an excellent prospect who really, really wanted you to "close the sale" with her (that is, take her to bed)... only you didn't do what you needed to do:
- You didn't get to know her and find out what she wants,
- You didn't build the sexual tension up and prime her for intimacy, and/or
- You didn't hit the escalation windows she offered you, and let attraction expire.
You can excuse yourself for bad game if you're new to seduction.
However, you don't get to unilaterally shift the blame onto women for you not firing on all cylinders when they liked you and gave you the opportunity to be with them if you did things right.
That one's on you.
So, yes - women will try to keep you around in various capacities you probably don't really want to be in (just a friend, potential boyfriend / backup for sometime in the distant future, etc.).
But that's not always because they're women with agendas. Some of the time - maybe even much of the time - they were women who originally liked you, and wanted something to happen with you... but you botched the sale, didn't give them what they needed, and didn't pull the trigger.
You're not off the hook from having to do things right.
You've Got to Pay Your Dues
I can look at how a girl's interacting with me and tell you almost instantly if she's wasting my time (that is, trying to slot me into a role in her life I'm not interested in occupying) or not. When you're new, you do not have this ability. I certainly didn't always have it.
In fact, I'd say it probably took me a few years of dating lots of different women before I was able to get a fairly reliable read on when my time was being wasted and when any difficulties I was seeing were just the vagaries of life and the girl herself was still interested and committed to moving things ahead.
So there is some amount of paying your dues to get there.
Every rookie salesman wastes time with customers who lead him on and lead him on and never pan out, or wear him down into giving them the deal of a lifetime - and one he ends up regretting having given them later.
Likewise, every rookie ladies' man wastes time with women who lead him on and lead him on and never pan out, or wear him down into accepting a "just friends" role with them, or quietly waiting in the background for her to finish up with her string of all-wrong bad boy hookups and realize that, really, he was the one she wanted all along, she just hadn't seen it (cue romantic music).
These experiences get coded into your memory as "lessons", and you need them there to stand as examples of what not to do, and where you don't want to end up going again in the future.
So don't think you're going to have a few hookups or a girlfriend or two under your belt and be immune to this. It takes time, experience, and getting burned at least a handful of times first before your radar really starts going up and getting attuned to the proper signals.
Time Up, Effort Down
Those caveats aside, let's talk about the one rule to follow to ensure you don't end up getting too attached to a girl:
As the time it takes to bed her INCREASES, the effort you put into doing so must DECREASE.
Most men take the opposite tack.
For most guys, as the time they put into a girl goes up, the effort into her remains constant, or goes up too.
And that's how chasing happens. An escalating or never-decreasing level of investment as a woman stretches things out and strings the man along.
Likewise in sales - a customer stretches things out longer and longer, piling on more and more demands, and rookie salesmen continue investing the same levels of effort, or more.
My advice - both to greenhorn sellers, and to new-to-the-game seducers - is to reduce your effort in direct proportion to the amount of time that's gone by and investment that's been asked of you.
It's far better to devote your time to the women it's actually going
That'd look like this:
You meet a girl, and invest a fair amount of time getting to know her and trying to take her home or set up a date with her
If things don't pan out, you spend a little time via text or phone trying to set up the first date, though not nearly as much time as you spent with her originally in person
Say you get the first date, and this doesn't lead to intimacy, despite your best effort. You now spend even less time trying to set up the second date; if she goes for it, great; if not, you move on. On the second date itself, you'll generally make it a lower-effort outing - something nice, but less intensive than that first date, unless you're doing the romantic second date we talked about in the article on date compression
Your third date, if you need one, is even lower effort - invite her over to your place for food, then sleep together
If somewhere along the line you get resistance to meeting up with you, and she's dodgy or counteroffers trying to get you out on a "just friends" party date, you maybe give her a phone call to build up some rapport if you didn't do such a good job on first meeting her or on an earlier date, but otherwise, if it isn't panning out, you just cut contact and move on
As time goes up, your effort goes down.
The way this works with customers is, when you first meet a customer, you do an amazing job.
You pull out all the stops to find out exactly what he wants, what he needs, and show him his options, and offer to get him set up and good to go right now.
If he still isn't sure, you explore what he wants or needs a bit more, but much less effortful now. You tell him about a few other options, but don't go out of your way to show these to him unless he seems very interested.
If he still isn't sure, you give him a pamphlet to look over, or a website with information he can check out, and send him on his way. He probably isn't coming back... and if he is, well, he's going to have to sell himself, since he's already shown you that you're not going to be able to sell him.
Likewise with women - do a great job when you meet her; give her a few more, lower investment (on your part) tries or opportunities if she isn't super excited with you at first blush; and after that, give her a parting option to chase you down when she's ready.
That last one can be a text or a face-to-face or phone call message like this:
“You seem like you're really busy / not ready to do anything right now, so no sense us trying to pin anything down at the moment. Let me know when you're a bit more free, whenever that is, and we'll try and get something scheduled.”
Then the onus is on her... and you're free to waste no more time until you hear from her that yes, she now does want to meet you, on whatever terms you set forth as required for the meet (terms of lower levels of investment, proportional to the amount of time you've already spent on her).
As time goes up, your
effort goes down.
Don't Get Too Attached to a Girl Before the Sale
Getting too attached to a girl before she's yours leads to:
- You chasing hard (and her running away)
- You becoming tentative and awkward; her meaning more and more to you
- You becoming an emotional mess, subject to the whims of her
- You passing up loads of opportunities with other, more interested women
That last one's the real kicker. All the time you spend chasing a woman with an ever-decreasing probability of ending up with you (the longer the courtship, the less likely it is to ever be consummated) could have been spent on women with a much higher probability of ending up yours - including women prettier, smarter, more fun, and more amazing than the girl you've currently fallen into the attachment trap with.
In sales, you miss out on more and better sales by wasting time on finicky customers who probably aren't going your way anyway, or are going to give you something that's not really worth the time and effort you put into it if you soldier on through and finally get it.
The same is so in seduction - sacrifice your time and energy for a girl you've messed up on or who is not very interested, and you will end up paying $500 for a $10 item.
Don't let yourself get too attached. Be cognizant of when you're spinning your wheels, and decrease effort as time increases.
Then instead of wasting time, you'll save it - and save yourself
from the draining emotions of chasing after women who aren't interested
(or have lost interest), too.
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