Get Introduced to Girls and Play the Game on 'Easy Mode'
Various readers have asked variations on the following questions on this site before, and it's the question I'd like to address today:
“If you want girls chasing you, how do you open? Isn't the very act of walking up to a girl and starting a conversation with her chasing itself?”
The answer to that last question is "yes", you are chasing women at the outset of your interactions with them, at least a little bit, although if you know what you're doing, much of the time you can mollify the effects of this early chasing by coming in very smooth and somewhat aloof, and quickly changing the dynamic so that the girl herself is soon chasing you (which is a much more pleasant, exciting, and productive dynamic for both you and her than the alternative is).
However, there is one way to meet new women in which you can start out in the "chased" position, provided you are out with one or more friends who either know the women you want to meet already, or have a good handle on opening and being received well: that is, to get introduced.
I've long made use of getting introduced to women both to my own advantage (to have girls falling into my lap) as well as to help out my friends or, sometimes, students, back when I used to train in-field (to throw girls into the friend's or student's lap).
This is one of those things that I rarely hear anyone talk about, and I'm not sure why, because it's like pick up on "easy mode."
And if you're not taking advantage of introductions... well, let's
have a look at what you've been missing out on.
Before we explore this topic, a brief caveat: if you want to maximize your success rates with women, you MUST learn to approach girls and open on your own.
No two ways about that; you need to be able to spark a new conversation on your own, with nobody else's help, if you want:
Versatility (meet women anytime, any place, whether you have a wingman or not)
Flexibility (you're not always relying on someone else doing the opening, but can be the guy doing the opening and helping out friends, too)
Solid game (you're simply never going to get enough introductions to get enough practice meeting women to get good)
I've known a few very good looking men who used introductions as their only avenue to meet women, but they were somewhat constrained by whether they were in an environment where they knew people who could provide introductions.
It's also possible to construct an environment in which you get introduced to lots of new women naturally - being a DJ, a singer, a bartender, a hotel or hostel owner, or a number of other things can, if set up properly, lead to people constantly saying, "Hey Rand, this is Katie, she's staying at the hostel through next Monday."
Most of the time though, you will be on your own, so don't neglect learning to approach by becoming overly reliant on introductions... because they can be a tempting and powerful crutch to lean on, but if you lean on them too much, you'll atrophy.
Why Introductions Work So Well
If you have a bit of innate (or learned) social instinct, you know very well that when you are the initiator of a conversation with a girl, you're the one who starts off as the pursuer, and she's the one who starts off as the pursued.
Now, it's very possible for this dynamic to shift throughout the course of an interaction - or even earlier, when using opening techniques like slow opening to get her to (sometimes) re-initiate and start you both off on equal footing, or pre-opening to make the question of "Who's chasing whom?" more ambiguous - but you're never better than her peer going in.
If you appear significantly higher value than her, she can even end
up wondering, "Why is he talking to me,
and not to some prettier
Is this a joke at my expense, or does he have some problem or flaw that
I can't see that makes him actually a lot less desirable than I am?" and auto-reject
you on the opening. These are the girls you introduce yourself
to, only to get an immediate blow out, despite the fact that you'd
normally consider them subpar to the kind of women you date.
Enter the introduction.
When you get introduced to a girl, it's a whole 'nother ballpark.
What happens in an introduction is that someone else has already initiated the conversation with a girl, and at some point then introduces you and her. Sounds simple enough.
When the introduction takes place, however, there is a subtle dance to determine who is more interested in meeting whom, and, thus, who is the pursuer, and who is the pursued.
If your fundamentals are solid and you have presence, when she first meets you, you can structure the introduction such that she feels right away as if she's chasing you.
If you're unfamiliar with doing this, think back to being introduced to a very beautiful or otherwise very appealing woman, and feeling right away like you were chasing after her, the moment you locked eyes with her and said 'hello.'
You can also think of meeting a very high prestige man - a
celebrity, an über-popular person, a very big and muscular man who is
intimidating by his presence alone, the guy who owns or manages the hot
nightclub in town you really want to be able to get into - and feeling
this as well.
That's the feeling you want to give to women when you get introduced to them, and when you can do that, your seductions shift into overdrive:
- You get massive initial attraction and interest
- You get girls wanting to know everything about you right away
- You get girls who are immediately sexually aroused by you
- You're able to skip steps and move a lot faster than you normally would
... and all this is made possible because someone was kind enough to provide you with a little introduction.
Now it's certainly possible to do introductions in a not-so-sexy, not-so-effective way.
Your friend can introduce you to a girl, she'll give you a funny look, and that's it.
But if you know what you're doing with your introductions, you can make a heck of a splash every time you get introduced.
Facts About Intros
Think of getting introduced as a kind of optimizing of the opening process for maximum impact.
There are different kinds of women you'll meet when you are out and about. These are:
Women who are simply not interested in you, and will not become interested in you, no matter what you do
Women who could be interested in you, if you push the right buttons with them
Women who are sold on you, and no matter what you do they are going to continue to be dead-set on nabbing you as a lover of theirs
#s 1 and 3 you will run into sometimes, but they're not that common. How tight your fundamentals are determines the proportion of them you run into; the better able you are to attract women with your basic passive attributes, the less of #1 and the more of #3 you'll see.
Neither of these is affected by you being introduced or you doing the opening on your own. The woman who simply isn't interested will not become interested merely because she met you through an introduction; and the woman who's already sold on you will be no less attracted to you if you walk up to her and open her yourself than she will be if someone she likes and respects introduces her to you in a high-value way.
The women we're targeting with introductions are the women in the #2 category - the ones who may be interested in you, but it remains to be seen... and the good news here is, most of the women you meet are somewhere along the spectrum in this middle ground.
Some of them are closer to #1, and are tough nuts to crack.
Some of them are closer to #3, and only require you to get things a little bit right before you're off to the races.
But all of the women who are somewhere in the middle between completely interested and completely uninterested you will see benefits with from a solid introduction.
A few more fun facts about introductions:
Whether she's a friend-of-a-friend or a new acquaintances matters. Say you're sitting at a bar when a really cute girl walks up and takes a seat next to you. You think about saying something to her, but approach anxiety wins out and you lose your nerve, instead continuing to stare straight ahead at the liquor shelf behind the bar. 10 minutes go by, then your friend approaches.
If your friend walks up and opens the girl and it's a cold approach, then introduces you, it seems like this is "something your circle does", and she'll assume he is more confident than you are and lose any scraps of curiosity she might've had about you. However, if your friend walks up and starts talking to the girl and it turns out they know each other, then introduces you, her interest in you will be just as high as had you just shown up and been introduced - or perhaps even higher: she'll now be wondering why you didn't say anything to her yourself, especially if you seem charming, friendly, and sociable on introduction.
When two men of relatively close fundamentals, presence, and status enter at the same time, the man being introduced is deemed higher status than the one doing the introducing. A curious rule of socializing, but tied to the Law of Least Effort; the King does not handle his own approaching, whenever and wherever possible. Instead, others do the approaching, and bring women to him. This goes out the window if the two men are clearly of different levels of social dominance, attractiveness, status, etc.; in that case, the man who's clearly higher up gets an edge, even if he does the opening. If there's any ambiguity at all though, give it to the man who gets introduced.
The presence and status of the introducer reflects on that of the introduced. It's important that you're being introduced by relatively cool, attractive people, because your status is assumed to be slightly above that of your introducer. If you're introduced by a well-liked jock or a roguish, charming type, people will automatically think you're even a little bit higher in attractiveness, status, and desirability than he is. If you get introduced by the nerdy guy that nobody likes, though, they'll assume you're little better than he is... and you'll be off to a pretty bad start. So be sure to get introduced by the right people.
Women don't have to want the introducer to want you. Say you have a good friend introducing you to some of his female friends - even if they have an entirely platonic relationship with him, so long as they still hold him in relatively high esteem, it's still very possible for them to meet you and find you sexually enticing. Just because they feel platonically toward him does not mean they will toward you (assuming that you yourself are a sexy man who's exciting to women).
Get Introduced and Make It Fly
talk about your duties as the introduced: what do you have to do to get the most out
of an introduction?
There are three (3) core elements to a well-done intro:
Being warm, yet
Being interested only very casually, and
Here they are explained:
Being warm. If you're too cold or aloof on introduction, none but the most interested, or the most desperate, will bother to give chase. You need to give girls a little. So be warm with those you're introduced to; make a girl feel like there's a good vibe between the two of you when you meet.
Being interested only very casually. This one's one that requires a bit of a fine line to walk on. You want to be intrigued in her, but only just slightly... and in a sort of playfully flirtatious, subtle way. More in the video below.
Being slow. Slowness is a characteristic sign of dominance. It's also a sign of being unfazed and non-needy. Women often have men snap to attention when they're offered an introduction; most men seem to think, "Oh, a pretty girl! I'd best not make her wait!" and jump chivalrously into meeting her as quickly as can be. Here though, as everywhere, you want to mind sprezzatura, and be smooth, graceful, and slow in your movement - as you turn, as you make eye contact, as you smile, as you take her hand. A slow first impression is a powerful first impression.
I've used this clip on this site before, but the introduction of Sean Connery as James Bond is an absolutely pristine example of this - watch Connery's warm, slow, and playful-but-slight interest in Sylvia Trench:
Normally, opening that you handle completely only your own (sans introduction) is something that isn't too terribly important to worry about so long as you have decent fundamentals and you aren't tripping over yourself to meet a girl; it's just something you get through to break the ice and get into conversation.
When getting introduced is your opener, however, the opening is key to what is to follow. A weak opening performance on your part means the girl you're being introduced to is left disappointed; a strong performance leaves her excited, and in pursuit.
Assuming you follow the steps above, and perform well on your introduction, you'll be starting off your interactions with women in pursuit - and playing the game set to 'easy.'
A brief word on etiquette.
I've met a few men who were "introduction parasites" - they were very good at sleeping with girls they met off of introductions, but otherwise were unable to get their own women. They were dependent on other men handling the meeting of women, then bringing them in.
Yet, because of the nature of introductions, these men very frequently would end up with the top girl of any pair or trio of women they were being introduced to; because they were the ones to get introduced, they appeared to be the more desirable, more powerful, higher status men, while the friends of theirs handling the introductions were seen as the less desirable ones doing all the work, and would always end up with the second-best girls.
Personally, I've never bothered spending much time around men like this; unless you're atrocious with women and are able to learn lots from introducing these men to women and watching them work, they usually won't have much to teach you, and even less to provide you in other forms of value. Unless they're great friends who perform some other wonderful, exceptionally beneficial role in your life (and they very rarely are; people who mooch in one way usually mooch in many others, too), you probably don't want to spend too much, or any, time around guys who rely on you to ply them with introductions.
Likewise, don't be the guy leaning on other guys to do all his opening for him. You'll soon find yourself paired up with only the most clueless and desperate men out there, and they won't be giving you the kind of status reflection you're looking for in your introductions.
Rather, for optimal results with introductions, it's best to have an
informal tit-for-tat type situation with your friends, associates, and
introduce them to some girls,
and they introduce you to some.
This prevents one of you from ending up in a de facto "higher status than the other" role when you go out together, which usually results in partnerships eventually breaking down.
Take turns doing the opening and introductions, and you'll find beneficial arrangements with much longer lifespans on them than the taker-style "why don't you do all the approaching, and I'll do all the sleeping-with-girls" arrangements that some guys like having but burn out fast.
On Getting Introduced
One final note: even some relatively socially aware men may not realize they need to introduce you if they're used to spending time in social circles where everyone knows everybody else, or they're used to going out with really aggressive wingmen who proactively introduce themselves first to the girls their friends are talking with and don't realize it's better for one guy to go in and the other guy to get introduced once the first guy is accepted.
When this is the case, you will have to tell friends of yours what to do. i.e.:
- "I'm going to need an introduction - it's better than if I approach on my own like a stranger."
or, if you're doing the approaching:
- "I'm going to go in and meet these girls. You just hang out and look cool, and when we're ready, I'll bring you in."
Introductions are not hard, and they're a very good way of initiating an interaction with a woman in a way that very frequently results in girls chasing you from the outset. That means you get to speed through the interaction, and it's also just nice and pleasant to have girls being very warm and flirty and affectionate with you because they like you a good deal.
So long as you mind the rules of good introduction-accepting:
- Being warm, yet
- Being interested only very casually, and
- Being slow
... you'll get your introductions off on the right foot, and get some girls chasing after you in what may be one of the fastest, easiest, and most consistently reliable ways to get this happening.
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