Tell If a Girl Likes You: Are Her Walls Up, Or Down?


if a girl likes youWalking back from the gym this afternoon, under the hot summer sun, I was a bit of a mess. My shirt was drenched in sweat; my arms were stiff and wooden; my hair was a little messy; and I was still breathing a little heavy.

I noticed a girl walking toward me, dressed in rather fancy garb, and as she saw me, she pulled her face into a mildly contorted look that spoke somewhat of disgust. But, at the same time, she also couldn't seem to take her eyes off of me, and I noticed those eyes scanning me up and down; she brushed her hair back, and as she walked toward me, she ever so slightly veered toward me.

I've met lots of girls like this before. Girls that, on first glance, might appear to be completely put off by you. But if you read between the lines, their more subtle actions tell a different story. In fact, I've taken some of these women who gazed upon me with what looked like disgust as lovers, oftentimes rather quickly.

What I want to get across here is, how to tell if a girl likes you -- or not -- isn't always as cut and dry a case as you might think.

Sometimes it can even be the opposite of what you initially thought -- and that holds for both the girls you think like you, and the girls you think don't.

 

The Masks We Wear

Sometimes, when I'm out and about, if I find myself sitting somewhere, I'll end up with women looking at me. And, when I catch them looking at me, I'll look dramatically off into the distance, sigh as if I'm incredibly bored, and keep an expression on my face (the bored look, to be precise) as if life is just completely unexciting. Then, after a protracted pause, I'll turn to the girl who was staring at me, and start talking to her in an overly-bored tone.

Some of the time this happens, women get quite nervous, thinking I legitimately am really bored and that they have to work hard to impress me and make me not bored. The rest of the time, they realize I'm just being dramatic, and they laugh a little, tease me a bit perhaps, and we get into a good conversation.

This is called "being dramatic," and it's something I do sometimes to women, and it's something that women do sometimes to men.

The reason I highlight it is because it's an instance of flirtation with an "unpleasant" expression.

You see, a lot of guys tend to only read a girl's basic facial expression. Meaning, they assume that:

  • If she looks bored, she must be bored
  • If she looks angry, she must be angry
  • If she looks disgusted, she must be disgusted

And when you're a new guy starting out, this can be really tough. I remember how a girl looking bored or angry or disgusted used to instantly take all the wind right out of my sails some years back. If I caught a girl looking that way, I'd fold my hand and walk away from the table, every time.

But actually, as it turns out, much of this is for show. Some of it is even flirtation.

It's one of those weird things you kind of have to spend a long time attracting the opposite sex passively to understand, and since I spent most of my teenage years doing exactly that, allow me to explain it to you.

If you like someone and you want to get that person to notice you, one way to do that is by making a face. Even a look of disgust can get noticed and get you opened by confident men if you're an attractive girl. In fact, as such looks are often attempts to get noticed by women, many men already interpret them as flirtation (which they often are... not always, mind you, but certainly sometimes), and act accordingly.

Being a little dramatic yourself is an important part of being good at flirting with girls, and being able to recognize when women are being a little dramatic is an important part of not getting your steam lost when you catch a girl giving you a look that might otherwise be interpreted as unpleasant.

But there're two sides to every coin, and men also frequently misinterpret signs the other way, too:

  • She's smiling, so she must like me
  • She's talking to me, so she must be interested
  • She's asking me questions, so she must want to get to know me more

Depending on the circumstance though, these interpretations might not be entirely on the mark either.

 

When Smiling Is "No" and Eye-Rolling Is "Yes"

A while back, I found myself at a nightclub talking to a girl. She was smiling, upbeat, and fun, and she asked me things about myself and made an effort to connect with me. But, I could tell she was being polite.

So, I told her to come sit with me, and she politely declined. I persisted, insisting that she join me; she said no, she wanted to stay where she was.

I left.

A little later, I spotted a pair of girls sitting at the bar together, looking particularly bored. One of them was pretty cute. I made my way over to the bar and sat down two seats down from the cute girl, and after a minute I leaned her way and began talking to her. She glanced at me, then rolled her eyes half the way and looked away. I sat there, calm, stared off into space looking bored for a moment, confident that she liked me, and then she turned back to me and asked me a question, still with a rather skeptical expression on her face. I started talking to her, and she gradually warmed up. Later, I told her to come to the dance floor with me, which, despite her sarcasm and eye-rolling, she did. I ended up grabbing her phone number, and proceeded to meet up with her a few weeks later, where we slept together not long into our first date.

What happened?

Well, as discussed in the post on how to tell if a girl is horny, women will often be mean when they're feeling some pent-up sexual frustration, but that's not all.

Women will also be really nice and friendly to guys JUST BECAUSE.

Because they're nice people.

Because they find a guy interesting.

Because they want to make new friends.

A woman doesn't have to be interested in a guy romantically or sexually to be nice to him. She can have a whole host of other reasons why she's being that way.

I consider women like this "distractions" when I'm out actively trying to meet a girl. There are, basically, four categories you can place women into in terms of level of interest when you're out looking to meet your next consort:

  • Uninterested: these are the ones who reject you straight up and simply aren't interested, for one reason or another. Mean as they might seem, they actually save the man on a mission a lot of time.

  • Distractions: these are the gals who, because they're really nice to everyone, or because they think you might make a cool friend, will be nice and sociable with you. For guys less adept at teasing out a woman's intentions though, they can be huge distractions, as a man plows a lot of time into trying to get to know a girl like this, only to find that it's impossible for him to get anywhere with her.

  • Prospects: these women aren't completely sure that you're what they're looking for, but they're willing to give you a shot. You'll usually end up grabbing a phone number from a girl like this and planning to meet up with her later (once she's had a little time to realize you're actually a pretty awesome guy), but if you're doing very well or you're reasonably experienced in this scenario you can often transform these "warm" opportunities into "hot" ones.

  • Sure-Things: these are the girls you meet, and it feels like there's a spark, or that it's "on" from the moment you first lock eyes. They're the ones you can say with confidence are definitely into you right off the bat. You've usually only got a limited escalation window in which to make things happen with a girl who feels that magic attraction for you, lest she start thinking that maybe she thought wrong and you weren't the guy she thought you were. Make sure you move fast with her.

Those are our interest categories, anyway. But how do you tell who's who?

The easiest, simplest, most straightforward and deadly accurate way to tell where a girl falls on this chart is to ask her to move with you.

If she flat out says, "No," she's uninterested or she's a distraction. If she wavers back and forth on the fence, giving you a "maybe" or "well, I don't know..." or something equivalent to that, she's a prospect -- she might be interested, but she isn't sure; she still needs some convincing. If she says, "Okay," and willingly follows you, she's almost certainly a sure-thing.

The thing is, you will almost assuredly never realize these differentiations exist until you start pushing to move girls early on (e.g., less than ten minutes into meeting them... optimally, less than five).

It's only once you start asking women to move with you that you start realizing the distinctions between women with different levels of interest in you.

"That's weird," you'll say once you start seeing this stuff, "Estelle was being so nice and I really thought she liked me, but she wouldn't go anywhere with me."

Another time, you'll find yourself saying, "Hey, wait a minute... I thought Olivia didn't like me at all, but then I asked her to go with me somewhere, and she kind of acted like it was a huge pain, but then she followed pretty easily and we ended up making out a few minutes later. How'd that happen?"

if a girl likes you

 

Ways to Tell If a Girl Likes You For Real

I may be biased, but I tend to consider the, "I like him as a friend," sentiment to be a fake kind of liking.

Reason being, a man a woman likes as a partner or a prospect gets so much more respect than a man who's only her friend (and unworthy of her partnership) that it's not even funny. Try putting a girl's lifelong platonic guy pal up against her lover of two months for whom she has super intense feelings and let me know whose side she's going to take. Right -- it's the guy she's going to bed with. At best, she's going to tell her paramour not to hurt her guy pal -- because she's going to consider her lover strong, and her guy friend weak.

If you want to know if a girl likes you for real -- if you want to know if she likes you and respects you in a romantic and sexual way -- that takes a little reading between the lines.

There's something I call "walls," and I look for these with every woman I talk to. Reason why is, women who like you put their walls down, while women who don't or who are trying to stop themselves from having something happen keep their walls up.

What I mean by "walls" is this: when a woman creates visible, perceptible distance between the two of you, she's created a wall.

Examples of behavior women display when they've built a wall:

  • They cross their arms or legs
  • They turn their bodies away from you
  • They seem vaguely uncomfortable or ill-at-ease
  • They refuse compliance and often won't move with you
  • They break rapport (disagree with you) rather than focusing on building it
  • They avoid strong, intense eye contact
  • They confound your efforts to deep dive and get to know them better

The four chief reasons why women build walls:

  • They want to use you as a friend (e.g., you have some valuable skill they'd like access to, or can help their career in some way, or can invite them to parties or bring them into a network they value, etc.) and are afraid of losing that opportunity should things get out of hand

  • They can tell you're sexual and they want to "protect" themselves from getting too close to you (maybe they have a boyfriend; maybe they have intimacy issues)

  • They value you as boyfriend material and are afraid of rushing too quickly to bed with you

  • They realize they don't like you and are afraid of giving you the wrong signals

You'll notice the common theme among those first three reasons is fear of the consequences of intimacy with a man: women afraid of becoming intimate with you for one reason or another will defend themselves with social / psychological "walls." Women a man's managed to alienate or send into auto-rejection will as well construct walls, though this is because they afraid of him thinking they like him rather than because they're afraid of ending up liking him.

You might even go so far as to say that one part of being good with women is about not flipping the triggers that activate women's walls, but that's for another post.

For now, suffice it to say that if you want to be able to tell if a girl likes you, look for whether her walls or up or her walls are down.

So how do you know if a woman's walls are down? Well, it's not her playing with her hair, and it's not her laughing at your jokes -- those are reactions. Those can be faked, and women who've trained themselves as flirts fake those all the time.

You tell if a girl likes you and if her walls are down by looking for behavior like this:

  • Her arms and legs are uncrossed
  • Her body's turned towards you, or she's leaning into you
  • She seems quite comfortable around you -- maybe even excited
  • She willingly offers compliance and goes with you when you ask
  • She focuses on building rapport and finding commonalities with you
  • She returns and maintains strong eye contact with you (or shy, flirty eye contact)
  • She goes along easily with your deep dives and efforts to get to know her

If you pay attention to these things, you'll get a much better read on whether a girl likes you than all those confusing mixed signals most guys hang their hats on.

That girl I saw walking toward me today who looked a little disgusted at me but then couldn't stop looking at me and veered towards me I could tell had her walls down with me, and that's why I felt she was interested.

That girl I talked to who was friendly but wouldn't go with me I knew was being polite because I could feel her walls, and that girl who rolled her eyes at me I knew liked me because I could sense her walls weren't up for me.

Check girls' walls. The easiest test again is asking a gal to move with you, but there are lots of little ways -- pointed out just above -- that you can use to find how open and available to you a girl is.

And of course, once you know she likes you, well, it's on!

Cheers,
Chase

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Comments

Anonymous's picture

Hello Chase, Your article


Hello Chase,

Your article makes a lot of sense, it took me a while to figure out 1/4 of the information you mentioned on my own. Women can fake flirting very easily and i kick myself realy hard for believing i fell for it hard, usually 'natural flirters' are the one who have tons of 'guy friends' that keep trying hard to impress....
From my experience i have dated a girl for roughly 5 months, she was flirting like crazy (in person and txting/phone), she knew what turned me on and was realy good at it... But guess what, when it was time for us to meet up she would flake out and cancel on me, in 5 months we've been out 3 times( i was being very presistant untill i got bored by her behaviour and broke it off).
I read your article and decided to test it out for myself...

A few weeks later i met another young lady, she seemed very stiff (she's cute, funny but doesn't flirt... Not even one bit!!) i thought she wasn't into me, got her number and asked her out.... We've been together for three months now and still going (she still doesn't flirt, but in person she can't get her hands off me.. Even in public!), eventhough i tried less with this one i seem to get good results so far which was rather confusing at first, but thanks to your topics... Everything does make sense.

Thanks!

Anonymous's picture

Hey guys just need help i


Hey guys just need help i understand this but not sure with this one
Now theres this girl i really like but im not sure a few people said she does but its too hard to believe let me give major examples:
ok twice she said to me i mean alot to her....
she said on my birthday... Hope ur day is as special as u are.. < sum 1 sed tht means sumfin
then wen she was ignoring me b4 i said forget it and she said on my facebook wall sorry and for me to forgive her and she said please...
and in college we was always close except wen her friends cum around
and she said 1nce tht she miss me
and wen i said 2 weeks ago tht i wud call her she said i am waiting for ur call
then the next at times shes ignoring me ppl says maybe family problems which at times she did say tht
and seem not bothered at times so it left me confuse
And she said she wont go on dates with boys and there was good news for me she accepted to go cinemas with me but i dont know maybe its because she never had a boyfriend (she tells me that she rejects them) but i can be different can i?? Need Help please help me.

Anonymous's picture

Noticed a section where it


Noticed a section where it sounded like you were pretty tired or something.

"Women a man's managed to alienate or send into auto-rejection will as well construct walls, though this is because they afraid of him thinking they like him rather than because they're afraid of ending up liking him."

Great articles though, it seems that it is true that actions do speak louder than words.

Anonymous's picture

Ok so a couple days ago I had


Ok so a couple days ago I had a party and it was great but when I walked in
The girl I love and have a crush on she was there with my really good girl that's a
Friend well when I walked in and she grabbed my arm and pulled me to her and I wrapped her up in my arms!! And then when she had to leave she came up to me and hug me for a mintute or two but when she got do I was gonna walk behind her to go get something but then she was like hmm how do I say this she was making her hand go down my arm and trying to hold my hand and she know that I like her but she has a boyfriend... And she said to me (txting) she's like ohh I love you sooo much and stuff and she made me feel really happy and I just love her so much and I need y'all's help on how to get her

Thanks guys

Anonymous's picture

Thanks so much for all you


Thanks so much for all you great articles! Keep up the good work!

Anonymous's picture

Some "walls" down, some "walls" up?


I'm in the gray here I feel, Chase. This one girl I've seen a few times now and talked to seems to be comfortable sometimes with her walls down: •She seems quite comfortable around you -- maybe even excited
•She willingly offers compliance and goes with you when you ask
•She focuses on building rapport and finding commonalities with you
•She returns and maintains strong eye contact with you (or shy, flirty eye contact)
•She goes along easily with your deep dives and efforts to get to know her

The walls I haven't seen as frequently are the physical ones: •Her arms and legs are uncrossed
•Her body's turned towards you, or she's leaning into you
*Sometimes she sits close next to me and our knees our touching, sometimes she sits at a noticeable distance, sometimes she touches my arm when we talk and are on a "high", sometimes she allows me to touch parts of body/arm/leg if it's the subject matter of our conversation. I can't clearly recall if she's ever faced her body toward me, other than when her seat is angled directly. And most of the time she has sat with her legs crossed (never arms crossed), but then again it could be because she's usually dressed in very short dresses/skirts and maybe don't want other creepers peeking a look? Help me out with a more attuned reading between the lines please?

Anonymous's picture

as a girl - this is right


I'm a girl, and I didn't even realise I do this - but yeah, you're totally right - the movement thing is a clincher. Fascinating lol, I'm not so sure about the categories (distraction, sure-thing etc.) but yeah - great article!

Anonymous's picture

likes me or not


Hi... Chase,

How r U?

I'm completely confused, please............ help me.

there is a girl, I like. We always meet at the bus stand every evening. I think she also likes me. because she gives me signs of attraction. Like hair preening, come & stand close to me, prolonged eye contact (whenever she makes eye contact with me, she never break the eye contact). She has always kept standing form where I can see her. Now a days, she has stated hovering in my space. whenever she finds me standing at the bus stand. She does walk past by me & then goes to her space (where she was standing). She does this thing everyday.

She was first noticed by me in jan.2013. I don't want to bother her but I need a friend.
One more thing, I have never seen her smiling at me. She looks at me curiously but no smile.
because I've never been in relationship. that's why I'm very confused about her feelings. Could you please tell me meaning of hovering next to me and starring at me without smile.

Sometimes she tried to stand in front of me, does she wants me to talk to her.

many Thanks in advance -

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