Sex and Alcohol
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
A good, if somewhat disreputable, buddy of mine in Southern California who'd bedded a significant number of women he'd met primarily at dive bars once summed up his philosophy of getting girls to me like this: "Just get 'em drunk, bring 'em home, get 'em more drunk, and have sex!" Ah, the age-old combination of sex and alcohol.
People've been doing it that way since the Ancient Greeks were sporting togas and spears. Sex and alcohol have gone hand-in-hand in human society for a long, long time. Stands to good reason there ought to be some good reasons for it, then, too.
Everyone knows why the two make such good bedfellows: alcohol lowers inhibitions, and sex is something we tend to have a lot more when our inhibitions are in said lowered condition. Alcohol also serves as a social lubricant – liquid courage, if you will – making men more bold and women more willing. But it goes deeper than that – and if you truly want to master the seductive arts, you're going to need to be willing to loosen your grip on the bottle, too.
Why Sex and Alcohol are So Pervasive a Combination
The two go together like fries and ketchup. But why is that – just for the reasons stated above? In fact, it's a bit more complex than it might seem at first glance:
- Lowered inhibitions. This is the obvious one – we do things when we're drunk that we might not be so gung-ho about with less booze running through our veins. That includes meeting new people, and it includes sex, too. Casual flings happen far more often when people are drunk than they do when people are sober.
- Pro-social behavior. Even the quiet shy guy who never talks to anyone can become downright loquacious with alcohol. Drink makes people take down their mental filters – thinking less before talking, feeling less social pressure to restrain themselves, and assuming others find them more charming and engaging than when sober. Needless to say, to bed women, one must first talk to women (the vast majority of the time, anyway), so alcohol's tendency to turn imbibers into social butterflies aids the cause of mating.
- Increased arousal. Drunk people just tend to want more sex. Due to alcohol's effects on the brain, arousal is increased, and desire to mate goes up. Thus, sex becomes more likely to occur.
- Superstition and the placebo effect. People tend to believe funny things, and some men think they're better with women when they're drunk. Having this belief tends to make a man more reserved when he's sober – after all, he doesn't have the magic formula coursing through his body yet – and more confident when drunk. And, to an extent, anything that improves confidence is going to improve results with women.
- An excuse. From the woman's side of things, women often lean on alcohol as an excuse. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "Oh, I'm so drunk," from a girl who wanted me to sleep with her when I've known for a fact that she isn't more than a little buzzed. And when sex does happen, women use alcohol as their "Get out of jail free" card – "Wow, I was so drunk last night," they say. "Where am I?" asked another cutie to me rhetorically one recent morning-after. It allows a woman to tell friends that it wasn't her that decided to sleep with this new man, it was the alcohol – and it allows her to tell herself that as well, thereby preserving her self-image of being what society expects her to be.
Sounds like my buddy had it right, then – alcohol really does go together quite well with sex. I mean, how many people do you see hooking up at the supermarket? No – it's bars and clubs and lounges and parties they're going home together from – the places with drinks. Alcohol, the great enabler.
As it turns out though, there are a few very good reasons why alcohol consumption isn't really all that great for seduction – and in fact, why, at higher skill levels, it can be out-and-out counterproductive.
Beginner's Luck, Expert's Folly
When you're just starting out in the social arts, any advantage you can get you'll tend to take. Drunk girls stumbling into your bed? Ah, a godsend! For most men, alcohol plays a pivotal role in their ability to bed new girls – women getting drunk and making bad decisions is the opportunity many unskilled men pray for and seek out.
Why is that? Well, it's mostly because the men who are relying on women to get drunk – and on themselves to get drunk – don't feel confident leading women to intimacy without the help of a few drinks. Without alcohol, these men are powerless – like Superman in the presence of kryptonite. Sobriety is the unskilled man's kryptonite.
As you increase in skill in the seductive arts, though, you'll find more and more that the disadvantages of alcohol outweigh the advantages. Here are just a few of those:
- Defensive friends (her). Drunken women's friends tend to get quite defensive of them. Friends who might otherwise let you and your girl walk out unchecked will swoop in and snatch her away if they think she's drunk and making a bad decision.
- Flightiness (her). Her inhibitions are lowered with you, sure – but they're also lowered with everyone and everything else. I've had girls who were all over me and ready to go home with me suddenly peel off and start flirting with or making out with other men, and it's a battle to pull them back away and get them home at that point. Fuses are shorter, girls go into auto-rejection more quickly and shut down and go cold on you, they'll try to make you jealous, or they're just very horny and looking for a man to go home with now, and if you miss the escalation window you've lost the girl and she's onto the next candidate. Alcohol makes women very flighty.
- Getting sick and passing out (her). I once had a girl in my bed wearing nothing but her panties and ready to become lovers with me, who suddenly got up, ran into the bathroom, and spent the next five minutes emptying the contents of her stomach into my toilet bowl. She then emerged, declared, "I'm sorry you won't get to bang me tonight," and then passed out in my bed. And indeed, I never did get to bang her, that night or any other. Too much alcohol can result in women throwing up or passing out – or, as in that girl's case, sometimes both.
- Buyer's remorse (her). On top of all of this, when you do manage to sleep with a girl, if she was drunk when you bedded her, she may very well wake up the next day and regret going to bed with you. Not by any fault of yours, but more because she will feel like she wasn't in complete control when she made the decision to take you as a lover, and may guess that in fact she mad a bad choice. No matter how great you are, if she was drunk when she slept with you, there's a good chance she writes you off as some drunken fling that she's embarrassed about and doesn't want to remember, let alone ever see again.
- Sloppiness (you). What happens when you get drunk? Well, many men like to believe they get more charming, but really, past the second drink or so for most men, they actually get more off-putting. Both drunk and sober women much prefer a man who's had two drinks to a man who's had seven. Once a man gets drunk, he starts acting poorly, getting sloppy, and making mistakes in his interactions with women, and most of the time he loses women he could've had easily had he been less inebriated.
- Inviting to challengers (you). When you obviously have your wits about you, other men are far less likely to challenge you for your woman or for their own amusement. When you're drunk, though, you're easy prey, and you'll find that men who get drunk also tend to get messed with quite a lot. Unless you're a very imposing, muscular guy, getting drunk is going to make you a target for men who want to steal your girl away or give you a rough time of things.
There are actually some pretty significant drawbacks with drinking. For a guy who's good with girls, they're dealbreakers – he does much better with women sober than he does being drunk. And it's even better for his girl not to be too drunk, either.
But what if you're like my pal from Southern California, and despite being good with women you still rely heavily upon alcohol – is that really a bad thing? After all, you can still get girls in bed when you go out and get drunk and meet drunk girls and get them more drunk. If it ain't broke, why would you want to fix it?
The Rationale for Cutting Back on Alcohol
I used to be a very heavy drinker myself, and I'd have drunken hook-ups that I hardly remembered at times, so despite all the drunken nights of coming home empty-handed, the drunken nights that ended in bedding girls made me feel like getting drunk worked. But I had a couple of bad incidents in 2009 after drinking too much – I drove home very drunk a few times and didn't even remember driving, or passed out in my car while my girlfriend was asleep in my apartment upstairs; I was thrown in jail one month; and in another incident a month later I was pick-pocketed – and after that I vowed to cut back on drink. I was drinking too much and getting too sloppy – it was getting dangerous.
What I found was that at first it was a little tough, but it quickly became just fine. For a while, I didn't drink at all, and I had to get used to meeting girls and bedding girls while totally sober. I'd bedded my fair share of women sober already, so it wasn't that big a learning curve, but taking women to bed sober had always been a bit nerve-wracking for me prior to 2009. Once I quit drinking in '09 though, I got quite comfortable meeting women sans alcohol – primarily by setting up a time limit: no girl was allowed in my apartment more than ten minutes without being kissed. Once I had that limit in place, seductions happened a lot more reliably while sober.
Here's the thing: when you're sober, everything is under your control. I think most guys prefer alcohol because they feel like everything is not as under their control, and they can kick back and hope it all works out, responsibility-free. When you're sober though, there's no kicking back and hoping things work out – when you're sober, if you want something to happen, you've got to make it happen yourself.
For that reason, your skill set advances much more rapidly when you're taking women to bed sober. You're controlling everything, aware of everything that's going on, and consciously setting a course of action and following it. You know where you messed up when you make a mistake, and you have ideas about what to do differently next time. When you're drunk and things don't work out, you either get upset and don't understand why it didn't work, or you shrug your shoulders and move on to the next girl. When you're sober, you take the time to reflect, and you have a much easier time pinpointing what you did wrong so you can fix it.
Once you switch to mostly sober, your results with women will typically take a dip in the short term as you adjust to a new paradigm, but over the long term your results increase at an accelerating rate, because you aren't just doing – you're learning. You're conscious of what it is you're doing, so you're able to move quickly and adjust on the fly, and when you make a mistake you tend to know what it is and you don't make it again. There is no such ability when you're boozed up.
Cutting back on drink helps you become a better seducer in the long run – and gets you more girls, more reliably. Instead of placing the fate of your sex life into the hands of fickle alcohol, you place it in your own hands – hands that guide you to better and better outcomes with women as your skill as a seducer improves.
Does That Mean Alcohol is Out?
So, if sex and alcohol really aren't all that great a combination after all, should you throw in the towel and stop drinking entirely? Well, sure, I suppose you can – I've gone completely dry at times and its effects on my results were always negligible. So long as you're out there meeting new people and building social momentum, you'll be fine without alcohol, ultimately.
These days, I have one or two drinks when I'm out, and I have no problem meeting women and bedding them. I just drink because I like it, and it's something to do to pass the time while I'm getting settled in at a bar or a nightclub. I could just as easily drink an energy drink or a club soda and be fine.
So it's okay to have a drink or two. Really, the thing that ought to be out, then, is drunkenness; that position of relinquishing control of your interactions with women to the vagaries of drink. Keep your alcohol consumption under control, and you will keep your seductions under control, and learn to be a better, more effective romancer and seducer, bed more women, and build more successes.
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