Social Skills 101: Socializing and Dating for Introverts
Note from Chase: Colt is one of our writers who contributed to the site a while back, with the 'Student of the Game' series and the 'Social Skills 101' series. Colt's roughly intermediate in his skills with women - he's still learning, but he's having success and taking new and pretty girls to bed - and he's focused on helping guys who are new to working on themselves and their dating skill sets to get in gear. Now returned from adventures in Thailand and the wilds of central Africa, we welcome him back to pick up where he left off with 'Social Skills 101'.
We live in a world designed for extroverts. It is designed for people who love parties, large social gatherings, and constant social stimulation. Today’s post is designed for the underrepresented men, the men who still want to attract beautiful women, but want to remain true to their selves: this post is for the introverts. So without further ado, here we go: dating for introverts.
What is an introvert?
It’s estimated that around 30% of the American population is introverted. But I would guess that the true number of people who are at least somewhat introverted (say, people who qualify as ambiverts - those who switch back and forth between introvert and extrovert) is actually much higher. But before we go any further, let me first clear something up: being introverted is not the same as being shy.
Shyness means that you are afraid of social interaction because you fear social judgment. If you find yourself in that category, there are plenty of articles on this site that can help you brave the social waters, such as:
- How to Take Your Self-Esteem to the Stratosphere
- Anxiety in Men: Where it Comes From and How to Stop It
- The Pig and the Mirror
- How to be a Sexy Man
- Becoming a Social Success
- The Purpose of Life from a Practical Point of View
However, being an introvert means that you still possess social skills and have the ability to attract women, but you would rather spend your time reading, working out, or otherwise improving yourself.
I am an introvert who has learned to be an extrovert when it’s needed. Since we live an extroverted world, learning to be socially vibrant and engaging with large groups of people is absolutely essential. But it's completely possible to be true to your introverted essence while learning this skill.
Before I get to discussing how to flip that switch, let’s look at a few reasons why I love introverts:
A high potential for success. Some of the greatest inventions and innovations in modern history have come from people who understand the power of solitude for inspiration. Introverts are usually driven, and sometimes even obsessive, about their personal progress. They are willing to put in the work and create great things for themselves and the world at large.
No need for constant validation. In our extroverted world, people are constantly looking for their next source of stimulation and reassurance from texting, email, Facebook or the latest social media fad. On the other hand, introverts have the ability to go deep in face to face interactions, and get their emotional validation from their constant self-improvement.
Great conversation. Introverts – because of their naturally varied interests and dedication to personal cultivation – all have the potential to have fantastic conversationalists. If you want tips on taking advantage of your conversational potential, check out Chase’s post on becoming a conversationalist.
Introverts have tons of advantages to offset the "disadvantage" of not being as socially inclined. Some say we live in an "extrovert's world" today, but I don't think so - if anything, the Internet has made it easier to be an introvert and get the things you want out of life than at any time before.
Now let's talk some about introvert dating and socializing.
Social Life Tips for the Introverted Man
Introverted men definitely stand to have fulfilling and exciting
social lives, with as much richness and depth - perhaps more so - than
their extrovert counterparts. In fact, while your extroverted peers
will be focused on having as broad a selection of acquaintances as
possible, you'll be a lot more focused on having one-on-one
conversations with people and driving these into becoming deep,
meaningful connections and relationships.
Before we talk about dating as an introvert, let's devote a little time to socializing in general first - it'll be a little tough to meet the girl of your dreams if you don't know anybody or do anything, after all! Here’s how to go about building a rewarding social life as an introvert:
Find reasons to leave your home. Introverted people are pros at finding excuses to stay home. I used to have periods a few years ago when I would go 2-3 days without stepping outside. It felt good at first because I was very productive, but after a while, I started to feel like I was wasting opportunities to have new experiences out in the world and started to feel a void in my life.
At that point I made a promise to myself to get outside every day – rain, sleet or shine. I think every introvert can benefit from venturing out into the world every so often. Whether it’s working on a project with someone in a café instead of your home, or going to the bookstore to buy the latest Tim Ferriss book instead ordering it on Amazon: find reasons to get outside and expose yourself to the world.
Direct your attention and energy outward. As an introvert, it’s easy to get caught up in your own personal reflections and think about what your next individual challenge is going to be, how your environment is affecting you at a given moment, or what you should be observing. But it's vitally important to direct your attention to your outside environment. The only way to truly connect with other people is to invest in what they have to offer. To be sure to actively listen, get your energy up, and get out of your own head (as much as you can) when you find yourself in large social situations.
Step outside your social circle. It’s a common misconception that being an introvert means that you only spend time by yourself. This is inaccurate. Introverted people like close personal contact, so most tend to have a small group of friends that they spend most – if not all – of their time with.
If you want to expand your sphere of social influence or hone various aspects of your social skills, you must meet people outside of your social circle. There's no way around it. If you want to bring high-value women into your life, if you want to network for employment opportunities, or even if you just want to add some social spice to your world: expanding your network and meeting new people is absolutely essential.
Learn to compartmentalize your social life. The reason why so many men end up in the friend zone, or in the potential boyfriend category, or in the whatever category, or any other undesirable category in a woman’s life is because women are masters of compartmentalizing. They have no problem with assigning particular roles to the men in their life. An easy way to get the intimacy of small gatherings while still improving your social skills is to do what women do: compartmentalize your social life.
That is, do particular activities with particular people. This is especially easy if you have multiple interests/hobbies (as most introverts do). Go rock climbing with a small group of people, then play park volleyball with a different group, then party with another group still. There will most likely be overlap with your closest friends, but being able to put together a small, reliable group for a particular activity will serve the introvert well in both remaining comfortable and improving his skills.
Be a host. The easiest way to flourish in a social situation is maximizing your comfort while being in an advantageous environment. What easier way to get new people into your life, increase your social clout, and feel right at home than literally being at home? So open your home to a social gathering or two, and take advantage of being in your own element.
Take time to recharge your batteries. Going to large social gatherings for extended periods of time can be extremely emotionally and mentally draining. It’s okay to take time to recharge your batteries and dedicate time to yourself or your close group of friends. In fact, it’s necessary if you’re going to maintain a sense of well being as a sociable introvert.
It's very possible to build a social life that both accomplishes
your objectives for socializing and is not a burden on you emotionally
or temporally as an introvert... you've just got to build your social life
in a way that best suits YOU.
Let's dive into introvert dating.
There are two parts to the introvert's approach: quality and quantity.
Quality involves actions that are inwardly directed: such as developing a sense of style, landing a good job, and traveling.
Introverted men are naturally good at improving their prospects of quality. So, just like expanding your social circle, it will be necessary to cold approach women fairly regularly so that you have the ability to bring the high-value ones into your life.
Moreover, most introverts prefer to have 1 or 2 high-value women that they invest their time and energy into instead of constantly trying to bed new women. I hear men say that they enjoy the challenge of bedding a new woman, or the act of sharpening their social axe, which is why they find themselves picking up girls in bars and clubs quite often. This is not the case for the introverted man. The introverted man would rather have a few solid women who contribute to his life and allow him to continue to pursue his varied ambitions.
So how does the introverted man go about getting these women?
Find girls in places that you would actually enjoy frequenting. If you are anything like me, you hate going to bars and clubs and trying to pick up drunk girls or club queens. Luckily for you, there are several comprehensive posts (as well as Chase’s ebook) on where to find quality girls. But in short, day game is your friend, so find them in places that you actually like going to; whether that’s the art museum or your favorite farmer’s market: start there and find your dream girl.
Deep dive, qualify, and stay humble. As an introverted man, you greatly value deep connection and women who have values that match yours. So spend a little more time deep diving and finding out what really matters to a girl (while still chase framing and maintaining your sexy vibe, of course). Also, focus on her and stay humble. It can be easy for women to get caught up and interested in you talking about your varied personal development projects, but this does not further a a romantic interaction; so make sure to keep the focus on her and stay humble as you move through conversations.
Dating as an Introvert
It’s especially important for the introverted man to be an expert in keeping women satisfied and happy whenever they spend time with him. First off, you should check out Ricardus’ post on how to date multiple women - even if dating multiple women isn't your plan right now. This post gives you the mental foundation to juggle interacting with multiple different women in multiple different kinds of scenarios, regardless what your end goals may be.
After you read that, take a look at these tips on structuring an effective lifestyle that will keep you and any women in your life happy:
Be a good lover. If you’ve followed this site at all, you’ve probably noticed that a common theme: giving women unbelievable sexual experiences. This is the easiest way to get a girl on a second date (give her great first-date sex). This is the easiest way to ensure a girl never forgets you. This is the easiest way to keep women coming back and loving the time they spend with you. This should first and foremost be your concern in terms of keeping women (and yourself) happy. You won’t regret it.
Find women who share your interests. Many guys have no problem spending time with a girl as long as she’s attractive, easygoing and likes to have fun. However, introverted men should find women who they can discuss and pursue their passions with. The introverted man greatly values his time, so you should always find a girl who can share in your interests and make your time enriching, in addition to being attractive and high-value.
Be chill. If you want to have high-value women in your life, without having a serious relationship, it’ll be important to relax and let the women in your life maintain whatever relations they have outside of you, as it’s only fair. At least until the point that you want to escalate things and make them a bit more serious.
Although we live in a world seemingly populated extroverts (perhaps because the introverts are all indoors), it is very possible for the introverted man to spend time improving himself and still have a fulfilling social and romantic life. So get out there, find your balance, and as always…
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