Having Lots of Dates in Short Amounts of Time
While my normal recommendations are that guys stay far out of boyfriend-territory and focus on sealing the deal with girls they like on the first date, the truth is sometimes you're going to move too slow by accident, or not feel confident enough moving quickly with a girl, and you'll wind up as a boyfriend candidate after all.
So what do you do then, when she's not seeing you as a lover, and you can't move fast?
Just give up?
Or do you play the game the way she wants you to play it... but with your own twist?
I'm going to introduce you to the concept of date compression in today's article - making dates count for more than a single date, and having a full boyfriend-candidacy dating process in a short amount of time, rather than the protracted courtship these frequently turn out to be.
In the end, you'll be able to take girls who view you as a boyfriend candidate as lovers and as girlfriends much more quickly and reliably than the men who stretch things out - and often lose the girls they like after plowing time and money into trying to get them.
Let's talk about speeding up the entire dating process without skipping steps.
You'll find with more experienced girls that dating tends to be a much more flexible experience.
A girl who hasn't dated much before is much easier to have fast intimacy with, assuming you stay out of boyfriend-land.
I used to find it confusing and insulting then when I'd run into women giving me the stiff arm when trying to move fast - they were invariably the more experienced women, who had hard rules about how fast (or not) they could go with men, and I'd catch myself thinking, "Wait - what? Here is this girl with a lot more experience, which means more emotional baggage, less love and affection, higher infidelity risks and drama and problems in a possible relationship... and she wants me to work harder for her than I would for a girl without all that? Are you kidding me?"
But as you come to understand her more and why she's doing what she's doing, it becomes clearer and clearer she isn't doing it to control or manipulate you, exactly - she's doing it out of fear.
Innocent = Trusting, Experienced = Fearful
When a girl has little experience with men, she trusts that men who'll go to bed with her will stick around if that's what she wants too. No doubt she's heard tales of women sleeping with men and those men then disappearing... but come on, this is HER! And she's a pretty good judge of character anyway.
Once a girl's a bit more of a veteran in the dating game though, she's had her share of frustrating, disappointing, and perhaps even humiliating, experiences with men.
There was the guy she REALLY liked... whom she thought was moving too fast... but she went to bed with him anyway; it was amazing... and then she never heard back from him again.
There was that guy she didn't even like all that much, but thought might make an okay boyfriend or companion... he wanted sex, she wasn't sure, but decided that if this jumpstarted the relationship, well, okay... only for that to end up being the last time she saw him.
Now, your intentions with a girl may well be to stick around once you've slept with her and never leave her. She does not know that, and there is no truly reliable way you can communicate this to her. Women have men who chase them hard for a long time but who still disappear after they finally have sex. Just as men get frustrated and upset about girls flaking on them and girls putting them into the friend zone, women get frustrated and upset about men they thought would stick around sleeping with them and then not sticking around.
So, with time, they begin to fear this.
And with that fear comes rules... hard rules.
The Experienced Gal's Rules
"If you're just a throwaway lover and I don't care about EVER seeing you again, maybe we'll sleep together the first night," goes her thinking about those guys she's into enough to sleep with but not into enough to really want to keep around in a larger capacity than that.
"If you're a man I want a relationship out of, we are NOT sleeping together too fast... I'm not going to let you think this is easy to get, devalue it, and disappear," goes her thinking with everyone else.
Not all women are like this. The most confident women - even with a great deal of experience - are often still not this way. The most confident women will go with the flow and follow their instincts, and trust that any man who doesn't stick around didn't stick around not because she went too fast, but because they weren't a good fit.
And indeed, I know plenty of people who've slept together the first night they met or on the first date, and went on to have relationships. Some of my relationships have started this way. Likewise, I know plenty of men will do the 3 or 5 dates it takes to sleep with a girl, then never see her again afterward regardless of whatever time was put in before.
But generally, stretching things out is both a reasonably reliable screening tool (screening out men who aren't willing to commit to putting in time and investment prior to sex) and a reasonably reliable way of a girl boosting her scarcity and upping her value (a boyfriend candidate must invest more to get sex, therefore sex with her is perceived by him as more valuable).
Women reasonably seasoned in dating will tend to have rules for boyfriend candidates like these:
- No sex before the third date, unless it feels amazingly right
- The first time we fool around, no taking the pants off, it's
- No going back to his place alone before the third date
These are hard rules she's learned or devised consciously to override her emotional desires - what she really wants - in order to better accomplish a logical end.
This is the girl's process for landing a boyfriend.
And if she sees you as a boyfriend candidate, you're going to have to play ball. You can try to ramp her emotions up so high that you're able to overcome logical rules she has in place - but this is really difficult if you're already a boyfriend candidate; the easier thing is to simply get good enough at disqualifying yourself as a boyfriend and instead painting yourself as the consummate lover so that you don't need to work so hard to get girls in bed quickly. And you can try rationally overcoming her resistance to sex - this is what breaking down LMR is all about - but, again, it's often easier to just be a lover and not have to deal with so much of this.
Instead of getting mad about her rules, or fighting them, the easiest thing, very frequently, is just going along with them.
And one of the thing most women's rules don't account for is time.
Why Date Compression Works
Most people will tend to have logical rules that they don't completely believe in emotionally - especially if their logic tells them one thing, but their emotions tell them another.
A girl may be aching to be with you, but she's logically decided that sex is off the table with any man she wants as a boyfriend until Date #3, and right now it's only Date #1 and she wants you as a boyfriend - so, it's not going to happen (just yet).
That's an example of her emotions telling her one thing ("Mate with this man now!") and her logic telling her another ("Slow your horses, temptress... we want this man as a partner, not a one-time performer!").
When logic and emotions are in conflict, the easiest way around these two are fulfilling the logical requirements in a quick / simple / unconventional way to get you to meeting the emotional needs instead. She wants her emotional needs met. She just wants you to meet her logical needs first.
Having lots of dates in short amounts of time gets you to girls in your bed faster by satisfying their logical needs AND satisfying their emotional ones, too.
Just because she's imposed a 3-date rule on you doesn't mean attraction's expiration date has been extended. It's still there; the clock's still ticking. Time is still of the essence.
If instead of going on three or four dates over three or four weeks, or a couple of months, as most guys seem to do it, you pack all of those dates into a week or two (at maximum), you're able to check off each of her logical requirements - and then get busy satisfying her desires next.
Wouldn't it be great if instead of all the uncertainty of not knowing if you're going to get a girl or not and whether some other guy is going to swoop in and snag her in the meantime while you're still in the midst of your mating dance that you just compressed all those courtship rituals into a short period of time so she could check off the boxes on her list and make it happen?
This is what date compression is all about - having lots of dates in short amounts of time.
Let's talk about how you do that.
Move Faster... with Your Dating
The normal guy's dating patterns look something like this:
- Meet girl he likes
- Get girl's phone number
- Have his first phone call with her
- Have another phone call with her
- Ask her out on a date
- Go on the first date
- Call or text her a few days later
- A few days after this, ask her out on a second date
- Go on the second date
- Call or text her a few days later
- A few days after this, ask her out on a third date
- Go on the third date
- Sleep with her... finally!
For many guys though, that final bullet doesn't happen on the third date - instead, it might not happen until the fourth or the fifth date.
This whole thing with three or four dates can take a month or more... kind of a ridiculous period of time for getting together with somebody you really like.
You're almost guaranteed to have missed a few escalation windows when you're moving that slowly.
Instead, here's your new objective:
Go from meeting her to sleeping with her in 1 to 1.5 weeks at most. And not by skipping dates (we're assuming you're a boyfriend candidate here, rather than a lover who can sleep with her the day or night he meets her, or on the first date); rather, by going on all the dates she requires of you... just in a really short period of time.
What Date Compression Looks Like
Date compression looks like this:
Saturday: you meet a really cute girl you like and trade phone numbers
Saturday: you text the girl it was great to meet her
Sunday: you text her asking her what her schedule is like to meet up for food
Sunday: you plan a date either that day or within the next couple of days to meet
Monday: you have Date #1 - an informational date (from "Date Templates")
Tuesday: you text her that there's something fun you want to do - when is she free?
Thursday: you go on your next date with her - to something fun, then romantic
Friday: you text her you had a great time, and want to cook her some dinner - when's she free for this?
Saturday: she comes over to your place for dinner. You cook food, then take her to bed
That's date compression. All the things that take most men weeks or months, compressed into the space of a single week. You won't always be able to do this in one week - you might need a week-and-a-half or, at most, two weeks - but unless she's not very interested in you, or is the busiest woman on Earth, you can probably get these all scheduled up in a short amount of time.
This does a lot of good things for you; namely, it:
Creates a "whirlwind romance" feel to it - she feels like you're meeting up with her so much because you really like her, and reasons that if she's meeting up with you this fast, she must really like you too (and reasoning this actually makes her come to like you more)
Builds up a lot more excitement and anticipation about what's to come next - instead of her wondering, then having the emotion grow stale, as it does with most men, she wonders - and then she hears from you! And then the next date is planned! And then it happens! This is a big change in the script from what most guys do... and it's refreshing, and energizing, and great
Prevents her emotions for you from troughing (something we discussed in the article on emotional cresting)
Minimizes the odds that life intervenes - she gets slammed with work and can't meet you for a while, she meets a ravishing new beau who sweeps her off her feet and into his bed, something happens that depresses her and makes her not want to do any dating for a while
Minimizes the chances for you to make a mistake in calling, texting, or anything else and start supplicating or being needy or otherwise acting uncool / unattractive
Date compression is, in other words, like regular dating on steroids.
Girls love it. You'll love it.
There're just a couple of things you've got to know first.
Pulling Off Many Dates in Short Time Spans
There is a bit of skill involved, of course.
Most importantly, the skill of being cool about all this.
There are plenty of men she meets who want to meet her right away and monopolize her time, but are weird, awkward, or creepy about it. That's a big no-no for fast dating... for obvious reasons.
When setting up lots of dates in quick succession, you must remember to be:
- Very cool in how you set these up
- Including her as much as possible in the planning process
- Working within the bounds of her schedule
- Not pushy, awkward, or weird in ANY way
- Exciting, energizing, and intriguing - make it feel like a romance
Your texting, then, will look like this:
You: Wonderful to make a roller-skater friend ;) - Mike
Her: Great to meet you too :)
You: Hope the rest of your Saturday was great, Anna. About our meal: when's good for you to grab a bite this week? Later this week... earlier this week?
Her: I can do whenever! Just let me know when!
You: Cool... how about tomorrow after work? We can kick the week off right! There's a great little café near Union St. station on the green line we can do (I could actually do tonight too, but I'm assuming you have to prepare yourself mentally first ;)
Her: Actually, tonight works fine for me! Union St. is perfect - what time?
You: Let's do 8 o'clock. I'll meet you at the station - savvy?
You: Awesome. See you tonight!
Your first date will likely be an informational-type date, where you meet up for a short (a few hours) date, chat, and maybe do something lightly fun. You want to avoid making the first date too 'heavy', in terms of what you do on it... unless you want to try to make things happen on the second date (not recommended if you're firmly in boyfriend territory).
One example might be meeting up for food, and going for a short walk after the meal.
Another that I always liked for these kinds of dates was food at one restaurant, dessert at another. So, say, go to a diner and eat there, then afterwards take off and go to Coldstone or Häagen-Dazs or a gelato place - anywhere with good desserts and nice ambiance. Then call it a night.
For a second date, you'll do something a bit more fun - Dave & Buster's, Hooter's, a bite or a drink at a cool lounge next to the beach followed by a stroll along the beach, swimming, hiking, laying out under the stars, laser tag, paintball, dancing, roller skating, etc. Try to pick two things that go fairly well together here - have a drink then go walk, pick a spot, and stare at the stars, for instance. Make this date a romantic date - you want her feeling more and more excited, and wondering if you're going to invite her home that night, and thinking to herself, "Oh God, if he invites me home, it's only the second date, but I *so* want to say yes! What should I do? Yes or no??"
Then don't invite her home. End the date romantically... and send her on her way.
For the third date, invite her to yours to come cook dinner - you can go to a food store to buy the ingredients and a liquor store to buy the spirits if you like first, too.
On that date, take her to bed.
So, the process is:
- First date:
informational, light, conversation, change venues once
- Second date: fun, exciting, romantic, and intriguing
- Third date: invite her over to cook dinner - and take her to bed
If you'd rather do four dates, make the fourth date a smaller date than the second, where you only do one (1) thing - say, dinner at a theme restaurant, or go see a movie and eat popcorn. Whatever this date is, make SURE you sit next to each other. The feel you're going for here is, "We're very close, and I'm not trying to be impressive, because we're basically more or less together at this point already." Then have her come cook food at yours for the fourth date.
How Well Does This Work?
Pretty darn well. This is the kind of date sequence that most women
dream about having... romantic, intriguing, and you in control every minute of it.
There's never a moment where you're trying to make something happen and
she's fending it off... in fact, there are plenty of moments where
she's hoping something might
happen, maybe, and you tease her with it, then walk away... making her want it more.
Again, better to move fast and be a lover and take girls to bed on the first date than to move more cautiously and be a boyfriend and take them to bed on Date #s 3 or 4, but... if you've messed up a bit and she now sees you as a potential boyfriend, and you still like her enough that you're okay with putting in a little more time to get her - this one will do it for you.
If you have a girl you like, and she likes YOU so much that she wants you as a boyfriend... instead of plodding along with the dating process, compress it.
Make those dates all happen in a short amount of time.
Then you're giving her both what she logically wants - a certain number of dates prior to sex - and what she emotionally wants - passion, excitement, whirlwinds, and adventure.
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