Once upon a time, I sat in a college dorm room wondering how to attract women.
I mean, in high school I'd had them chasing after me, at least some of the time, but then I went to university and that all disappeared. Coupled with my lack of social skills, I soon found myself both alone, and un-pursued.
So, I tried anything I could think of. I got into music and performed on-stage. I made myself stand out however I could in my classes. I started peacocking with flashy clothes and accessories. I even tried buying pheromones from the Internet -- the jury's still out if that did me any good.
But despite those efforts, I still didn't have any women in my life. Some of it got me noticed -- a lot of pretty girls were paying a lot of attention to me. But was I attracting them? Here's how Dictionary.com defines the word:
“Attract: to draw by appealing to the emotions or senses, by stimulating interest, or by exciting admiration; allure; invite: to attract attention; to attract admirers by one's charm.”
Well, they may have been interested, but they certainly weren't around me too much. So, at best, maybe I was part of the way there.
Most men, I discovered, find themselves in the same boat. They try a bunch of things, not sure what, exactly, it is that'll work best at getting women attracted... only to keep realizing that the things they're trying aren't working as well as they'd hoped. Anywhere near as well as they'd hoped. Some guys even all but lose hope entirely.
How I learned to be a man who knew how to attract women and inspire them to chase him and pursue him and desire him is the story I want to share with you here.
Furthermore, I want you to avoid the scenario I was in, of having to figure this mostly out from scratch -- so I'm going to give you 7 tips you can start using right now, today, to get yourself becoming more attractive to women.
Without further ado: How to Attract Women: The Guide.
The Truth About Attraction
I've been teaching men to do well with women for a long time... since early 2006, in fact. I've taught men in-person, over the phone, and via Internet. And one of thing I've noticed, again and again, is that guys primarily struggle in 3 distinct areas. If a man can handle all 3 of these areas, he's on easy street with women -- they are:
• Attracting women
• Interesting women
• Closing women
If a guy learns how to attract women, interest them, and close them, he's got it down and he can coast (at least with women) for the rest of his days and not have to worry about the girl problem ever again.
Thing is, each of these three areas are categorically different.
Yet, most of the information that's out there treats them like they're the same.
I recently had a reader write to me who follows one of the other schools of thought on pick up and seduction that came into being some time before my tenure in the pick up community. He noted that what I discuss is very different from what he's seen discussed by other men's dating advice professionals, and that he was under the impression that I was advocating men ignore attraction and get straight to conversation with women without doing anything to attract them.
Herein lies one of the fundamental differences between how I view attraction and how other schools of thought do (and you might be excused for thinking I don't think attraction is important):
In other schools of thought, attraction is something you create through your actions.
But from everything I've seen, attraction is something that stems from who you are.
The reason I stress the fundamentals so heavily in my seduction ebook -- heavily enough to devote an entire chapter to them -- is that building up your fundamentals is the most important thing you can do to attract women. It's absolutely, positively crucial.
To demonstrate, let me ask you this: are you more attracted to a woman who
- Looks beautiful and elegant, is well-attired, carries herself well, and speaks and smiles gracefully and with sociability and charm, and never mentions being an object of desire or pursuit by other men (though you're certain she must be), instead making you feel warm and comfortable, or
- An average-looking woman with everyday clothes hanging off her body who speaks with an average voice, slumps her posture a bit, and acts a bit awkward and uncomfortable, but who tells you stories and uses lines and routines that imply she's highly desired and sought-after by men, and then gives you a hard time and acts hard-to-get?
That one's pretty easy to figure out, right?
Okay, good. Clearly, the first girl is far more attractive than the second. In fact, the second's likely to be somewhat annoying and off-putting to a great many men.
The difference, of course, is that the first girl's handled her fundamentals and she just IS attractive, and the second girl hasn't bothered to and she's trying to talk her way into attraction. Of course, it doesn't work, and she might as well be speaking Farsi. You do a quick read of her fundamentals, and she's instantly disqualified.
Well, believe it or not, women are every bit as unlikely to let words influence their level of attraction for a man. He can talk until he's blue in the face, but if he comes across in unattractive ways, the best stories in the world won't win a girl over for him.
I've watched attractive men do nothing and go home with the girl. And I've watched unattractive men tell women stories about the hot women they've dated, the exotic places they've traveled, the expensive paintings they've bought, and had the woman walk away from them bored and uninterested.
Attraction is not about what you say. It's about who you are and how you come across.
So how on Earth did so many men get it in their heads that attraction was all about their words?
The Quick Fix That Isn't
I've found myself working with more and more guys recently who are coming from a background of having practiced pick up as taught by some of the older schools of seduction out there, and I'm finding them some of the most difficult to train. This is primarily because they come in with a deeply entrenched belief that they need to convince girls they're attractive.
So, they end up adopting all kinds of lines, routines, and stories that they use while talking to girls that they intend to help them show those girls how attractive they are so that women will choose them.
What ends up happening is that these guys work, and work, and WORK, to try and attract women.
Which, of course, violates one of the principle underlying tenets of attraction:
Women are most attracted to the most effortless, effective men.
The man who beckons a woman to cross a room and come to him isn't just twice as sexy and powerful than the man who gets up and walks over to her himself... he's ten times as sexy and powerful. Maybe more than that.
The processes that run through a girl's head in each scenario are completely different:
He walks to her:
"All right, I've got this guy. He thinks I'm great. Let's see if he's good enough for me. He probably won't be and I'll have to dismiss him, but maybe he'll surprise me... you never know. Here he comes. All right buddy, let's see what you've got."
She walks to him:
"Wow, I'm walking across the room for this guy... I must really like him. I hope he treats me well when I get over there. I hope we hit it off. It'd be embarrassing if I got over there and it looked bad. I'm going to have to make sure this goes well. I'd better look as good and sexy as I can when I get over there... okay, good posture! Back straight, boobs out. That's it... whew, here we go..."
That's just one example. Compound that with a bunch of different things throughout your interaction:
- You get her leaning in
- You deep dive and get her telling you about herself
- You get her qualifying herself as you get to know more about her
- You get her following your lead and coming with you
- You intrigue her and make her want to get to know you
- You get compliance throughout your interaction
- You move her
- You take her home
and suddenly you are this alluring man she is constantly putting work in to get. Meantime, you're mostly lounging back, listening to her talk, doing some active listening so that she knows you get her, and basically following the Law of Least Effort and being cool and relaxing somewhat as you help her to invest in the interaction and to feel increasingly attracted to you.
Is that stuff hard to learn? Yeah, maybe, kinda sorta... not that hard, though. It's just a little bit at a time, and it's mostly behavioral.
You don't even have to memorize any stories that aren't yours.
I think the reason why verbal attraction became so popular in the early days of pick up was because it felt like a quick fix: just say this and women will fall all over you! It also appeals to the popular myth of the pick up line: use the right line, and women will go home with you almost on the spot. You've just got to figure out what that right line is.
One my buddies used to use in college:
Guy: Hey, do you know how much a polar bear weighs?
Girl: Uhhh... no.
Guy: Enough to break the ice. I'm Steve.
Ah, pick up lines.
Anyway, early pick up evolved from the pick up line, as far as I can tell, and retained the same spirit of, "If you say the right thing, women will want you."
It feels encouraging, exciting... easy.
Except it doesn't produce results. It might get you some reactions... but we've discussed reactions versus results on here before.
I find the dieting industry a similar case study to this. Confession: I had about 25 pounds of excess fat on me from college until mid-2008. I'd been skinny most of my life, so hadn't realized the slow accumulation of a big belly and a round face until my girlfriend and one of my pals started pointing it out to me.
Once I realized it was a problem, I started counting calories, reduced my caloric intake (I was hungry sometimes for about 2 weeks, until my stomach acclimated), and I lost a pound a week until I'd shaved off most of my fat. I've kept it off since then by sticking to a slightly smaller diet, still with all the same foods I always loved.
So, that was really easy, but it just took a little time and a little discipline. I look at all these overweight people on fad diets now, and I ask myself, "Why on Earth are they doing this stuff?"
And, I realize, it's because they want a quick fix. They want someone to come along and tell them, "Hey, this is easy! Just do this, and you'll be thin again, and it won't be hard!"
But, three years later, they're still fat.
Whereas all they had to do was start doing something that worked, that was a little bit hard at the beginning, and then after a few weeks they'd see gains; after 6 months they'd be in pretty darn good shape; and after a year or 2 or 3, depending on how bad off they were before, they'd be amazing.
Nobody wants to work on themselves though. They want a quick fix.
And quick fixes never are.
Why Can't You Talk Your Way Into Attraction?
I like research. Usually I find it validates things I already believed to be true. I don't know if that means I'm smart, or I'm lucky, or maybe I've just read enough research already that the next conclusions are pretty natural to draw, but it is what it is.
In any event, we've discussed nonverbal attraction on here before, but just in case you had any reservations, feel free to check out the research:
- The Nonverbal Basis of Attraction: Flirtation, Courtship, and Seduction: David Givens identifies conspicuous nonverbal cues used widely by men and women in flirtation, courtship, and seduction; particularly, a submissive look that increases sexual attraction in both genders. [something I call the "male model look" and I've been meaning to get a post up on]
- The Effects of Nonverbal Cues on Gender Differences in Perceptions of Sexual Intent: Antonia Abbey and Christian Melby find that women tend to rate men's nonverbal sexual communications as more ambiguous. [in other words, unless a man's clear about his intentions, women tend to slot him into the friend zone]
- Nonverbal Skill, Personal Charisma, and Initial Attraction: Howard Friedman et al. find that emotional expression and extroversion boost attraction along with physical attractiveness, and operate independent of it. [attraction from extroversion and emotional expressiveness is unrelated to attraction from looks]
Then there's Albert Mehrabian, and his 7%-38%-55% rule:
- 55% of communication is nonverbal
- 38% of communication is voice tone
- 7% of communication is the words you say
What everybody keeps seeming to find, again and again, is that the vast majority of human communication occurs without consideration to the words used or not used, and that attraction functions as a response to nonverbals as much or more so than other forms of human communication.
This is why, on this site, in my ebook, in Sensei, in Spellbinding, in everything I put out and talk through and teach via, you won't hear me talking about how to increase attraction through lines or routines or stories so much.
I might say, "Talking about things this way will increase attraction," but again, that's presentation, not content. It isn't what you're saying; it's how you're saying it.
Confused? Okay, let me give you an example.
Let's say we have two girls talking to two guys. Each girl asks her guy the same question, and each guy responds differently.
One of them responds by aiming to attract her with his words. The other responds by generating attraction within her with his nonverbals and voice tone. Take a look at each:
Case 1: Aiming for Attraction with Words
Girl: What do you do?
Guy: [deadpan] I'm a ninja.
Girl: Okay... what would you like to be doing in 10 years?
Guy: Ruling the world, probably. With my harem of 50 Victoria's Secret models.
Analysis: yeah, that's... okay. He's fun and entertaining; the conversation has a light, airy feel to it. She'll probably stick around, but there's no telling if that's because she's got some attraction for him, or if it's just because she's having fun talking to him, without regard to attraction.
Also, there's another dynamic here that might've slipped past your radar: she's asking, and he's telling. She's controlling the flow of the conversation and steering the dynamic. This means it's more work for her to control, but she doesn't feel like she's truly investing or that she's having to qualify herself.
Instead, she's asking, and he's qualifying himself. Not directly -- not by telling her how impressive and amazing he is -- but instead by making an effort to be funny and entertaining and show her a good time.
He's still chasing, and he's still being impressive, if in a more subtle manner. He's still in the rat race.
Case 2: Generating Attraction with Nonverbals and Voice Tone
Girl: What do you do?
Guy: [looks thoughtfully away, before turning back] Hmm [said in a sexy tone of voice]. Some business, some writing... a bit of this and that... I dabble. What do you do?
Girl: I'm a photojournalist.
Guy: Really? [said with sexy eye contact and a "Hmm, I'm intrigued" tone of voice] What does that mean?
Girl: That means I take pictures and they go in the newspaper and magazines.
Guy: That sounds interesting. [said in a sexy tone of voice with a knowing smile]
Girl: It can be. What kind of writing do you do?
Guy: The creative kind. I have a book I'm working on.
Girl: Oh wow, what's it about?
Guy: People, leadership, how others think... psychology stuff. Things I find interesting. How do you like being a photojournalist?
Analysis: you can't see it perfectly from words on a page, but much of what's communicated there is coming from his nonverbals and his voice tone. He's drawing her in with powerful, sexual nonverbals, and communicating through his concision and mysteriousness that he isn't trying to be impressive... he just is.
And because he's compelling without chasing, the girl he's speaking with is forced to invest as much as he is -- or more.
You can't talk your way into attraction. And anyone who tells you you can doesn't know how to attract women or even how attraction works.
Women aren't attracted by tales of how successful with women a man is, or how many expensive watches he has, or how well he treats his friends. Those aren't the things that make women excited and intrigued and desirous of a man.
What does? Well... that's what I'm going to talk about with you next.
How to Attract Women
This was something I learned early on in my journey to improve with women. It served me well.
Why's this a good assumption to have? Well, there're a couple of reasons:
- If you assume that women are attracted, you'll act like women are attracted -- and the actions of a man who thinks a woman's attracted to him are bold, confident, and... attractive.
- While attraction is very much something you can improve and develop, there's very little you can do about it at any specific outing. It's like worrying that your muscles aren't big enough or your clothes aren't perfect -- you can work on that for next time, but you've got what you've got right now, so deal with it and work with it; it isn't worth even thinking about there in the moment and will only serve a distraction.
Attraction primarily comes through more or less passive traits. At any given time, you should be working to develop these passive traits, but no amount of fussing over them right now is going to give you a huge boost in attraction in the short term.
There is no "quick fix." Not in the sense that most guys think of it.
Now, improving yourself and making yourself attractive is pretty darn quick to do compared to the path that most guys take for attracting women -- building their careers, amassing small fortunes, becoming rich and famous, or even attaining a certain social status in one circle or another (head bartender, chief physician, best salsa dancer, etc.). Where those other things might take years or even decades in some cases, you can turn yourself into a very attractive individual on a much faster scale.
You've just got to drop the quick fix mentality of, "Okay, if I just learn to say this line right, then women won't be able to resist me!"
It's not about words. It's about you.
Here's how to attract women more beginning today:
- Handle your fundamentals. Fundamentals, fundamentals, fundamentals. I'll hammer these home until the day that I die. Why are fundamentals so important?
Attraction can grow a little bit as a girl gets to know you, but for the most part, it's there or it isn't the moment she first meets you. Give it .3 seconds, or something like that... something crazy quick. But you can see it. I've seen it myself again and again, I've seen it with friends, I've seen it with guys I train... the moment you walk up, she's either into you, or she isn't.
And your fundamentals are the primary thing she's gauging to decide whether she is or not.
• Posture. Strong posture makes you attractive, period.
• Movement speed. Powerful, sexy men move more slowly.
• Eye contact. Effective eye contact flirting makes you captivating.
• Expressions. Great facial expressions entrance and excite women.
• Gracile movement. Smooth, fluid movement sends strong signals.
• Voice. A sexy voice is mandatory for increasing your sensuality.
• Speech. Speak slowly and use the pregnant pause.
• Fashion. Get well-fitting clothes, a sexy haircut, and cool facial hair.
Properly developed fundamentals allow you to always be at a baseline of high attractiveness to women. That means that no matter what kind of "state" you're in, women will want you regardless. It's a form of liberation, actually -- it's like losing weight, or putting on muscle, or learning a new skill or ability like painting or driving or computer programming. Work to get there, but once you've got it, it's quite easy to maintain, and it provides constant benefits and boosts and plusses.
- Stop scanning. If there's one thing I notice most newer guys do a lot that's quite off-putting to women, is that they constantly scan for new and attractive women. Scanning is when a guy's looking around, sweeping his eyes back and forth, visually combing the premises in search of a promising new girl to go talk to. Guys also scan when they're already talking to a cute girl, checking their surroundings for new threats (e.g., other men) and new opportunities (e.g., "Is there a cuter girl?" "Is something happening in the environment I should be aware of?").
Scanning is actually quite obvious, and it instantly slots the scanner into the "chase" position and the "insecure guy" position. Any woman he talks to once she's seen him scanning is going to expect him to chase her, and in response she will flee as he chases. She'll also quickly lose interest in him if he's scanning when he should be focused on her talking to her.
Solution? Stop scanning. Talk to the people around you if you're not talking to a girl yet. Develop your peripheral vision. Position yourself so that you can look over your friend's shoulder as you talk and view the rest of the room. When you step into a new room, stop for a moment and look the place over and pinpoint where the cute girls are before you step into the fray. Once you're talking to a girl, focus on her and only break eye contact occasionally, and only then to let your eyes drift slightly off, without looking at anything. Even if there's a stir, don't be the first to look; only look if she does.
The only time scanning is okay is when you're outside of the crowd and staring out into the mix, so long as you don't seem too intrigued by any one girl in particular. Otherwise, if a guy does it in the middle of a crowd in a bar or in the midst of walking down a street during the day, it shoots his attractiveness way down.
- Cut the cute stuff and get to the point. I can't tell you how often I've seen friends who were routine guys walk up to a girl, start talking to her, and then right away I'm pulling my hair out going, "Eeeugggghhh, stop trying to attract her, she's already attracted! Just move her and get her out of there while she still wants you!"
You won't attract women by talking to them. You won't. You really won't, I promise. The women who seemed attracted by your talking to them were probably attracted the moment you walked up, and had you done things smoothly and properly from the beginning you almost certainly could've moved them and gotten them to go with you right away.
Even when I was new to meeting girls, I operated this way, and it worked. I didn't know what I was doing, but I knew that the cute stuff was a waste of my time and I didn't spend any time on it. I'd go, talk to girls, and if they seemed interested I'd move them as fast as I could. And they'd usually say "yes."
- Never forget that attraction has an expiration date. Long ago in pick up, something called the "7 Hour Rule" emerged. According to the 7 Hour Rule, you had to spend seven hours with a girl before you could sleep with her if you wanted something solid with her.
Well, I can't speak to the origins of that rule, but I can say it's utter baloney. I think it's based on the idea that the more time a girl spends with you, the more she'll come to know you and appreciate you and bond with you... and to an extent this is true, but there's a flaw in the thinking.
The flaw is this: the more she comes to know you and bond with you and appreciate you, the more of a fixture in her life you'll become, and the tougher the decision to sleep with you becomes. She may even come to see you as so amazing a benefit to her life that she doesn't want to risk losing you by sleeping with you.
Conversely, the longer you wait, the more time you give yourself to make mistakes, or to let another man step in and sweep her away -- just like what we discussed in "How to Get Girls."
Attraction and excitement and enthusiasm fades fast in most women under most circumstances. If you want to maximize your chances of success with girls, you'll need to remember this, and you'll need to hew closely to the following rule...
- Move fast with women. Not only is this good form, but moving fast with women is actually very attractive!
Women love and find enchanting the confident men who go for what they want with them and move things forward boldly and with decisiveness. I've had a lot of guys ask me if women will be put off by men moving too fast. Well, here's the answer: women are only put off by men they don't like that way moving too fast.
What that means is, if you move quickly with a girl and she pushes back and says, "You know, girls don't like it when you move that fast," what she's actually saying is, "Whoa buddy, you want us to get together? I don't see you like that." That's actually a good thing... because it tells you you don't need to spend any further time with this particular girl, and it tells you you've got some tweaks to make on coming across the right way to women (e.g., as an edgy, sexual guy).
If on the other hand you've got a girl who's into you, and you move fast, she might give you some token resistance ("I don't usually move this fast"), but she won't push back with disgust or revulsion. The only women who push back with disgust or indignation against you moving too fast are the women who weren't sexually attracted to you in the first place.
The girls who like you get increasingly excited by things progressing quickly when they do. Human sexuality did not evolve as a three month courting process, remember. Wait three months and there's a good chance you got impaled by a mammoth tusk, or at least that Stug, the caveman next door, came along and moved a lot faster and swept that cave girl you liked off her feet and into his bed. Human sexuality evolved as two apes meeting in the wild, sizing each other up very quickly, finding somewhere private together, and getting to it. Romanticizing the process is very nice and sweet, but things work a lot more smoothly when you drop idealism and treat it all the way it actually functions and plays out.
A man she likes moving quickly with her is very attractive to a woman.
- Move intelligently with women. Moving fast, of course, might be interpreted to mean "drag her out on the dance floor and make out with her," which is bad form and actually usually counterproductive to a seduction. That would be an example of moving quickly but without direction.
There must be focus and direction in the progress you make with women. You need focused action to keep yourself moving toward a successful outcome. This means having a process; a series of steps to follow like:
Go somewhere with pretty girls --> start talking to girls --> find a girl you like who likes you --> focus on her (don't get distracted or break circle) --> get her to move with you and invest
and so on, all the way up until the two of you are lovers (or beyond that, if you want her as a girlfriend -- you can build a process for that too).
Moving scattershot (e.g., moving her here and there; breaking circle to bring other people in or talk to your friends or her friends; ignoring her then coming back; leaving to go get drinks or go to the bathroom or whatever) is a surefire way to confuse a girl and dampen her enthusiasm, both that something will happen with you, and that you're the kind of man who can make something happen. Move forward with purpose and intent, and women will be attracted.
- Close. Women aren't closers. That isn't their role. Women's role is to accept or reject men's proposals. That means that if you don't propose it -- if you don't go for the close -- it probably doesn't happen.
Asking girls to meet you on a date this week and grabbing their phone number can be intimidating up to the first 30 or 40 times you do it. Inviting a girl to come home with you can be scary the first 30 or 40 times you do that, too. But eventually it does become automatic, and you lose all emotional association to it. It just becomes something you do, because closing is now a part of your process (see #6 above).
Going for the close is what differentiates the guys who get a lot of attention and attraction from women but don't ever convert it to anything from the guys who take the attention and attraction they get -- even if it's less than those first guys -- and turn it into dates, lovers, girlfriends, and more.
And above all, women can tell if a man will close. And it attracts them, and it excites them, and it encourages them to place their trust and comfort and hope in the man who closes that he will provide the kind of exciting romantic and sexual experience they long for.
Attraction isn't hard. But it isn't a quick fix. It's something you build with time and focused effort.
With time and effort, you tighten up your fundamentals and turn yourself into an attractive man by default.
With time and effort, you cut out the cute stuff and get yourself to the point.
With time and effort, you build a sense of urgency into your interactions with women and realize -- fully realize -- that when you move slow, you don't get the girl, and that when you don't ask, you don't get the girl.
So, you start moving fast, and you start asking, because you find out that works.
Attraction isn't a chore. You don't even have to actively manage it once you've gotten the things down above. At that point, it becomes automatic -- you're automatically attractive to women.
If you've ever had the idea that learning how to attract women is about learning lines, routines, or stories, well, drop it, because it isn't. The words you say matter far less than the steps you take and the man you become.
So, get yourself to become an attractive man who takes the right steps. Women will fall all over themselves to be with you, I promise -- and you'll get there a heck of a lot sooner than the guys who're still trying to talk women into their beds.