How to Start a Relationship with a New Girlfriend

I've fielded a number of comments and questions from guys over the years on how to start a relationship off right with a new girl they've just started seeing. After all, you've used all the material on this site on how to turn yourself into a smooth, edgy, sexy man; and you've learned everything you need to know about how to get girls, you knew what to look for in a girlfriend, and you've found her, met her, and everything went perfectly. You took her to bed as your lover, and now she's yours.

Now what?

start a relationship

Most people treat dating and relationships as some big, mythical, emotionally-driven process these days, devoid of much logical forethought or planning. It's reached a point in Western thought where "giving in to your emotions" has become the ultimate ideal to be striven for and attained; you should seek to "just feel" and "go with your heart."

But while emotion is a very important piece of your actions and decision making as a human, it's only half the story, and, worse for relationships... it's the short term half of the story.

Emotions will have you shortchange your tomorrow for a better today.

What I'm going to tell you to do in THIS article, however, is to take command of yourself, and build a relationship designed to be strong, successful, and rewarding long after the fires of early emotion quit burning so brightly, or even quit burning at all.

This is, you might say, the anti-guide to falling in love: it's the guide not to getting there, but to staying there, and like all good stories it starts at the beginning.

start a relationship

One of the unfortunate realities of our modern society is that it's an anonymous society, and it takes a lot of things that used to be taught, parent to child, and asks each individual to relearn these things through stumbling, failure, and experimentation.

Some of the lessons that have been lost, however, are things most people won't learn in two lifetimes.

One of those things is how to start a relationship. It used to be that, when children began dating, their parents would counsel them not to rush in, and to plan for the future. While these advisements hardly restrained the rushing passions and bursting enthusiasms of new love, they did help guide them and channel them in young men's and women's saner moments.

Today there's no such guidance. We're told to rush headlong into things, trust in love, and throw planning to the wind.

The world of today is very much one of emotion; that is, swirling, lively happenings and counsel, focused on maximizing the pleasure and happiness of today and assuming that what's good now will always be good.

Western society today, at least in regard to relationships, has the precise mindset of the grasshopper, instead of the ant.

If you're unfamiliar with the tale of the grasshopper and the ant, or even if you've heard it before a few times already, allow me to regale you with this old yarn, and tell you what it has to do with how you ought to run your new relationship.

The Grasshopper and the Ant

One summer, a grasshopper sat chirping his song merrily in the fields, enjoying the fresh air and warm sun. By the by, an ant trudged by, off to the day's work. As the grasshopper sat throughout the day, content with his lot and not a care in the world, the ant passed him back and forth, sometimes carrying a parcel of food, sometimes some other supplies for the ant colony, but always some burden that the grasshopper was sure he was not going to enjoy himself.

"Friend Ant," the grasshopper finally called, "why do you burden yourself so? The day is beautiful; the air is fresh, the sun is warm, and to spend this glorious day at work is waste of the highest order. Come sit with me and enjoy the spectacular weather Mother Nature has provided for us to drink in."

The ant, not even stopping along the trail, turned to the grasshopper and said, "Friend Grasshopper, now may be a beautiful day indeed, but I make preparations now, for things will not always be so wonderful. And preparations made today will allow me to be happy and content later. I advise you, do not waste all the day in idleness, but make yourself ready now for the days when the air is not as fresh and the sun not as warm."

The grasshopper scoffed at this, and continued his enjoyment; the ant paid him no mind, and continued his work. Things went by like this all the rest of the summer, with the grasshopper chirping away in contentedness, and the ant slaving and sweating to make his preparations.

The seasons changed, and went from summer to autumn, autumn to winter. Like the ant had warned, the air turned less fresh, and the sun grew far less warm. Snow began to fall, and soon it covered the land.

One particularly bitter and frozen night, with the cold winds howling and the snow fiercely falling, the ant, warm and content in his home, with a bright fire burning and a pot full of stew almost ready for dinner, heard a knock at his door.

"Who could this be, now, in the dead of winter?" the ant asked himself. He opened the door to peak outside.

"Friend Ant," cried the grasshopper, his teeth chattering and his knees knocking, "I beg you, please let me in! I've nothing to eat and no fire to warm myself by, and I fear this winter will be the death of me."

"Friend Grasshopper," said the ant in reply, "if but I had enough, I would, but alas I only have enough food and fuel to support myself through the winter. If I let you stay here, we would be out of stores halfway through winter, and then we both would freeze and starve. You should have taken my advice; he who contents himself with happiness now in place of preparation must be ready to accept unhappiness later from lack of preparedness."

Are You a Relationship Grasshopper?

How's the apply to new relationships? Well, answer me this - do you:

  • Rush forth into relationships without much thought or planning, and insist on "following your heart?"

  • Lack a relationship "game plan" - where you'd like the relationship to go and what steps along the way you see it following?

  • Trust that if things are "meant to be," they will just "work out?"

  • Lack an end goal for your relationships; that is, a point at which the relationship ends and you can smile with satisfaction and say, "I consider this relationship a success?"

If you said "yes" to even one of those, you're a relationship grasshopper, trusting that so long as you enjoy the present, the future will just "work itself out."

But the future never works itself out.

start a relationship

And, especially as the man in the relationship, you have a certain responsibility to plan how things will proceed for both of you. Women are the more emotional half of 95% of male-female couples; that means they're more inclined than you are to rush into things emotionally, lack much planning or foresight, trust in "destiny" (don't get me started with women and "destiny"...), and get upset at the very mention of a relationship ending, even if they've had 10 relationships before and all of them have ended.

You're the man; you must lead.

And if you're leading from emotion, rather than from careful planning or forethought, you're no better a leader than the head lemming of a pack of madly rushing lemmings, leading his followers right off a cliff (or, more factually correct, to a watery grave).

If you want to know how to start a relationship off so that it becomes a success, you've got to do it with care, thought, and planning - same as any other important undertaking in your life. Compared to the amount of deliberation people put into choosing a university to attend, or a major to select, or a career to pursue, or a position to take or a move to take once in that career, how they run their relationships is given far less thought by comparison, despite the fact that the impacts of these are often just as great as a career - or even greater.

Let's change that for you.

start a relationship

So how do you plan something as complex as a relationship? There are two people involved, remember - and you have no idea what this other person is going to do or become later on down the road. You can't plan that... right?

Actually, planning a relationship is a lot like planning a career. You're going to fail miserably if you try to plan out and micromanager every individual little detail... both relationships and careers have ways of throwing you curve balls that you had no way of expecting and that take you far afield from where you intended to be or go.

The way you plan for it, then, is by reserving your planning for a few key areas:

  1. Commitment and Focus. You need to be able to both commit yourself and focus on a particular job or a particular girl wholeheartedly, while at the same time keeping your options open enough so you won't end up crushed if you get laid off or broken up with. The issue of "trading up" comes into play here; I'm a big believer in getting a job at your dream company ASAP, and dating your dream girl ASAP, and not settling for less, although this isn't always 100% realistic. We'll talk about this below.

  2. Discipline. Running a relationship properly, especially in the beginning, is a lot of work, and you'll frequently be facing opportunities where your emotions want you to do one thing while your mind thinks you ought to do something else. Kind of like when you wake up in the morning and you've got to go to work, but what you'd REALLY like to do is call your boss and tell him you quit, thanks for the opportunity, but you need to get caught up on sleep. If you can't overcome your emotions and discipline yourself to do what you've planned to do (go to work; not become a wild texting fool sending his new girlfriend heart <3 icons and cat photos),you're going to suffer for it in the not-so-distant future (when the money stops coming in or the girlfriend runs out).

  3. A Finish Line. What's your end goal? You'd be amazed how many people absolutely CANNOT answer this about their careers, relationships, or anything else important. They just go, try stuff, have no idea where they want things to go or how they should end, and hope that everything works out okay. That's kind of like playing a sports match or a video game or a game of chess not to win, but to "see how it goes," or like getting on an airplane without knowing what you're going to do when you get wherever it is you're going. Romantic? Yes, sure. Adventurous? Absolutely. Successful long-term strategy? Only if you're very, very lucky, and most people are not very, very lucky. You need to know where you're going if you ever hope to get there.

That doesn't mean you can't enjoy your relationships, of course. You certainly can.

All it means is that if you want a healthy relationship that goes the way you'd really love it to, you're going to need to do a little more than just follow your heart and trust in destiny.

How to Start a Relationship: The Game Plan

To properly kick off a new relationship, you need to understand a few basic relationship principles:

  • Women want to date men they respect as leaders and who treat them as equals, but NOT men who white knight or put women on pedestals

  • Women quickly become disillusioned, and eventually disgusted, with men who are more in love with them or more invested in the relationship than they are

  • The relationship investment patterns you set during the first 90 days you will be expected to keep up indefinitely; any reduced investment later on will lead to your girlfriend feeling as if "things aren't the way they used to be" or that you "don't love her as much anymore"

These in mind, let's look at all the things you should do in the first 90 days if you want to have the BEST possible relationship later on down the line.

Note: I'm certain people will protest in the comments and say, "But I want to do X," or, "But I really like doing Y!" And that's great; if the most important thing to you is satisfying your immediate emotions, do that. If the most important thing to you is having the best relationship possible for yourself later on down the line, do this instead. I'm not forcing anybody to do anything here; I'm simply arming you with the strategy to succeed at building an amazing relationship, if you so choose.

#1: Act Slightly Warmer After First Sex, But Otherwise the Same

start a relationshipAfter you sleep with her for the first time, a girl's going to be uncertain what you want, how you're going to react, or what she should do with you. There are three standard male archetypes women run into most of the time after first sex:

  1. The Cold Party Guy. The Cold Party Guy loses interest in a girl immediately after sleeping with her. The very fact that she slept with him means she probably sleeps with lots of guys, he figures; only easy girls sleep with him. So, he acts cold and even rude to her after sex, makes her feel bad about having slept with him, and leads her often into feeling buyer's remorse (unless she's very experienced with men).

  2. The Awkward Guy. This is the guy who isn't quite sure how to act around a woman he's just been intimate with, so he tries to control his emotions and ends up coming across awkward and a little bit off. He might be feeling more like the Cold Party Guy and want to kick her out but he doesn't want to be cold so he awkwardly makes insincere faux "warm" gestures, or he might be feeling more like the Romantic Guy and want to profess his undying love to her but doesn't want to come across as overmuch and so tries to tamp down his enthusiasm, and it comes across awkwardly. Women feel uncomfortable with this guy, but will sometimes see him again if they are very confident and know what they want and prefer inexperienced partners (who tend to be somewhat easier to manage in relationships).

  3. The Romantic Guy. The Romantic Guy is the guy who's decided that now that this girl and he have consummated their passion, they are now in a swirling whirlwind romance that no doubt will lead directly to the altar and a life bound together forever. If this guy is very confident and charming, his romantic courting of her can sometimes be sweet; the rest of the time, it freaks most women out (or vaguely unsettles them if they also had romantic feelings, though they aren't sure why).

There's one thing that the vast majority of men NEVER do though, and that is both very surprising and very reassuring to women: act exactly the same, plus a little bit more warmth.

That's right: if you're the SAME guy she wanted to sleep with AFTER she sleeps with you, well... that means you continue being the guy she wanted to sleep with. And that's good! She decided to sleep with you for a reason - there's no reason for you to change things up just because the two of you did sleep together.

You can add a dash more warmth - a little bit of a warmer smile, a bit warmer voice tone. But don't change too much. If you don't want her revisiting her decision to go to bed with you and racking her brain to take in this new data and decide if sleeping with you really was the right thing to do, don't give her new data to go over; just keep being the same guy you were with her before.

#2: Text a Girl Something Pleasant 3 to 6 Hours After First Sex

That is, text her something nice like:

“Had a great time last night, Heather. Hope you're not too tired for work today ;)”

... simply to reassure her that, no, it wasn't an act and you were just pretending not to be cold or pretending that you weren't obsessed with her but you are. This text is a means of telling her that you are still cool, calm, and like her in a relaxed, low pressure way even post-intimacy, even once she's gone.

You'll tend to get a very cheery reply from almost all women in response to this. Unless you're being directly asked a question, no need to reply; don't get into a text conversation, or ask her what she wants to do or when she wants to see you again. You can do that tomorrow.

For now, she needs to cement the impression in her mind of you as a (very rare) man who retains his composure after sex, and (unlike with almost every other man out there) what she signed up for when she went to bed with you was exactly what she got.

#3: Don't See Her Too Often, at Least at First

If you like her, your emotions may be bursting through the door, but you're going to need to stay those emotions and refrain from spending every day with this girl at first.

There are three reasons for this:

  • You set the pace for relationship progression this way. If you want a relationship to move very fast, see a girl very often. If you don't, don't. Mind you, relationships moving fast don't only move fast to where you want them to move, then stop; they also move fast to where the girl wants them to go. So if your objective is, "Date this girl for a while, then figure out what I want," (which it shouldn't ever be, but we'll cover that below) and hers is, "Get married and have six kids," she's going to expect things to continue rapidly on course the way they have been toward what she sees as the eventual aim of the relationship.

  • You communicate strong romantic desires and set expectations. A man who's willing to move fast in a relationship with a woman communicates to her that he's very interested in her and likely wants the same things she does: a long term relationship aimed squarely at marriage, commitment, and scads of little ones running around drawing on the walls with Crayons. If that isn't what you want, this sets the wrong expectations, which means big trouble for you down the road.

  • You also set expectations for how often you'll see each other. Will you still want to see this girl every single day three years from now? If not, be careful what patterns and expectations you set early on, because you'll be expected to uphold these. Whatever you do early in a relationship, you commit yourself to doing for the life of that relationship.

Therefore, because you while you may know exactly what you want right now, you don't really know what you want three or five or ten years from now, and I strongly recommend you to use great care in how often you see her and how quickly you let things move early on.

The general recommendation for how often to see a girl during the first 90 days of your relationship is:

  • 1 day a week maximum for a casual / open relationship
  • 2 or 3 days a week maximum for a romantic / committed relationship

There's another reason for keeping the number of days you see a girl reduced in the early stage of the relationship, too: it allows you to increase days later, and communicate to her that the relationship is making progress. You need to give women feelings of continual relationship growth throughout the course of your relationship, and this is another way to do that.

#4: Know Your Purpose for the Relationship

You may not realistically be able to do this in your first couple of relationships, because you won't have much relationship experience yet and won't really know what you want. And that's okay. You can view those relationships as learning experiences, and you can follow your heart with them and indulge in your emotions if you like.

Once you're serious about building amazing relationships though, you absolutely, positively, no two ways about it need to do this. You can't get out of it.

You must know what your goal for the relationship is.

You know what most guys' goals for relationships are? They don't have one. So they end up in these relationships where the whole purpose of the relationship is to get to some point that feels emotionally good to them, and then just KEEP things there, forever. The problem is, what feels emotionally good in a relationship for a man, and what feels emotionally good in a relationship for a woman are two different things.

And that means that the men who focus on trying to keep their relationships in the "stasis" where they feel most comfortable and not have things change end up in direct opposition to their women, who are trying to push things forward and achieve their own relationship goals. This is a recipe for disaster, and it's why most relationships fail horribly.

What's the solution to this quagmire? Know your purpose.

Why are you in a relationship, and what's the end goal? Is it:

  • To get more experience having relationships and learn what it's like to date?

  • To get more experience having a relationship with a particular kind of girl (e.g., a really beautiful girl)?

  • Is it just to have a casual sex partner?

  • Is it to get married?

  • Is it to have kids?

  • Is it just to have someone to talk to?

  • Is it for emotional support?

What's the purpose? I guarantee you you have one... although if you're like most men, you don't really have any idea what that purpose is. You need to understand your purpose, understand its implications for your relationship, and plan things accordingly.

For most men, most of the time, the purpose of most relationships seems to be "have a friend and companion I'm comfortable being around, who doesn't pressure me, and we can have sex."

If that's your purpose, like it is for most Western men these days, you need to understand that a woman will be content in this "relationship stasis" only temporarily, but you won't be able to hold her there. At best, you'll keep her with you in stasis until the 2 year drop; at worst, you'll lose her a heck of a lot earlier.

You have two courses for directing your relationship:

  • Refuse to give your girlfriend what she wants and needs, and accept the relationship will end at some point. If she wants to move in together, see you more often, go on vacations together, get married, have children, etc., and you don't want that with her, then accept that at some point the relationship is naturally going to end, because you will no longer be meeting her needs. This is fine and natural; it will only end poorly if you try holding onto her when she tries to leave but still won't give her what she wants.

  • Accept to give your girlfriend what she wants and needs, and the relationship will likely continue on. This doesn't mean you capitulate to every whim and fancy she has, of course; if she tells you she'd really like to go hunt mountain lions with you and you're morally opposed to hunting mountain lions, this probably won't break your relationship. But you will need to give her what she needs to continue the relationship; and you're fine giving these to her, so long as you either do so on your own terms, or she understands that whatever it is she's getting from you is something you don't care much about (e.g., if you don't care either way about marriage and just see it as signing a contract, then she can ask you for marriage and you can say, "Sure, if you want that," and it's neither a capitulation on your part nor a big deal).

Either of these are fine, but you must choose one: give her what she needs, or don't give her what she needs. If you take the "normal" route of not wanting to give her what she needs but trying to hang onto her in a relationship that has failed her, you'll cause her pain, distress, and eventually force her into a corner where she breaks up with you unilaterally or cheats on you to force a decision out of you (as discussed in "How to Prevent Cheating by Your Girlfriend"). If you don't want this to happen, don't box her into that corner; give her what she needs, or let her go when she needs you to.

#5: Don't Frontload the Excitement in the Relationship

When I was young and inexperienced with relationships, I figured that the best way to make sure a girl wanted to stay with me was to provide as much excitement and fun in the relationship as I possibly could. So, I'd take girls to nightclubs, parties with friends, dinners at really nice and fancy restaurants, out to movies, on exotic vacations, and to interesting nooks and crannies around town. We'd go to the beach, to the desert, to the forest; we'd go hiking, boating, the works.

And while I enjoyed this too, I soon learned that it set an expectation that for the rest of the relationship I was obligated to continue doing things like this at the same pace I set out doing them, or run into the "we used to do so many wonderful things together" problem.

See, the thing is, this will happen for you with women: they will take their emotions for you, and give all the reasons you give them as the reasons for why they like you.

So, if you're an attractive guy who's great to talk to and good in bed, and you take girls to nightclubs, parties, dinners, movies, vacations, and adventures, then girls will love you because:

  • You're attractive
  • You're great to talk to
  • You're good in bed
  • You take them to nightclubs
  • You take them to parties
  • You take them to dinners
  • You take them to movies
  • You take them on vacations
  • You take them on adventures

If you ever fall on hard times though and don't have the time or the money for those things, or you get tired of doing them, or you burn yourself out... and you stop doing those things... a girl will say to herself, "He doesn't do all those things with me that he used to do... this relationship isn't as good now as it used to be, and he isn't as excited about me as he used to be."

If on the other hand you're an attractive guy who's great to talk to and good in bed, and you never do anything with your girlfriend, she will feel almost or exactly the same degree of emotions she'd feel for you if you did those other things, except that it will be tied to comparably fewer aspects of "you" and "your relationship":

  • You're attractive
  • You're great to talk to
  • You're good in bed

If you never take a girl to nightclubs, parties, dinners, movies, vacations, or adventure during the early stage of your relationship, you never have to do them or not do them later and have her think to herself, "Things aren't like they used to be."

Instead, you can actually do them far less than you'd like to do them at first... and let yourself gradually begin doing them more as the relationship progresses. This will give her a feel of progress in the relationship... instead of a feeling of decline.

These days for me, I don't do anything with women I'm newly dating other than have them come over to my apartment, talk, maybe watch a movie, maybe eat some dinner there, and have sex. That's it. No movies, no restaurants, no parties... nothing.

But that's so un-fun! you might say. Well, my goal isn't to maximize my fun; my goal is to start a relationship that's going to be very healthy and strong later, and give me the maximum amount of flexibility to go out or not go out with my girl as I choose to.

There are two "lines" you'll cross at which you can ramp things up in a relationship:

  • The 90-day mark
  • The 2-year mark

The first 90 days (or 3 months) are the passionate height of a relationship, when everything is new and she's still figuring out who you are and what she can expect with you. It's very important that you give her nothing but the most core aspects of who you are to attach her feelings to. You don't want her attaching her feelings to anything you won't always be able to provide with ease later on (like: money, dinners, movies, parties, etc.), whether because of your financial situation, because of the amount of free time you have, or anything else that can change suddenly when you least expect it to.

After the first 90 days are over, you can ramp things up somewhat, and she'll attribute less of her feelings for you to these than she would have had you done them from the start.

After the 2-year mark is when you can really ramp things up and not suffer much if you need to ramp them down or change courses later. e.g., if you only go out to dinner five or six times during your first two years together, you can start going out once or twice a week after two years, and then go back to never going out after three or four years, and it won't affect your relationship much. If you go out to dinner once or twice a week from the start, and try to quit going out to dinner a year or two into the relationship, you'll cause your girlfriend to assume you like her less and feel that the relationship has gone into decline.

Do the opposite of what most men do, and give women less at the start of a relationship and more later on in that relationship.

This also extends to things like texting (don't text her all day... in fact, don't even text her EVERY day) and phone calls (only talk to her for 40 minutes on the phone every night at the start of your relationship if you want to talk to her for 40 minutes on the phone every night for the REST OF YOUR LIFE together [presuming you remain together long-term, of course]). Set the a minimal tone early, and you give yourself the freedom to make it whatever you want later. Set a maximal tone early, and you've locked yourself into that and stripped away the ability to choose from your future self.

#6: Date the Right Girl

There are a handful of articles on this site that deal with how to get a girlfriend who's the right match for what you're looking for. These are:

What I find a lot of men do is they fall into these relationships with women who aren't the right match for them, and it's a disaster because they're constantly on the fence. They're with the girl only because they lack an abundance mentality sufficiently solid enough to allow them to walk away from a girlfriend who isn't everything they want, but they aren't comfortable giving her what she wants because she isn't really what they want.

It's not a good place to be.

start a relationshipFor those reasons, I recommend never taking on a girlfriend who isn't exactly what you want and whom you can't feel excited about having as your girlfriend.

You can have casual partners, sure; but you must date multiple women while doing this to avoid ending up in a relationship by default. That's where you have a girl who originally wasn't "good enough" to be your girlfriend, but seeing her casually over a period of time, eventually you get complacent while seeing her, you stop going out much to meet new women, and a scarcity mindset sets in... and suddenly, this girl who wasn't good enough to date full-on before you're now afraid of losing.

This also happens to men dating multiple women (so that's not surefire protection), but generally not until they start hitting the age at which they lose interest in picking up much or start wanting to settle down.

To not end up in a relationship that you don't really want but are afraid to let go of, simply don't date women you aren't excited about. It's that simple. Look for love at first sight if you need a metric to go off of... when you feel it, there's a girl you'll be happy having as a long term girlfriend you can commit yourself to in a relationship.

Every girlfriend I've ever had was a girl I thought, "Wow!" about when I first saw her, and my heart started beating fast, and I got uncharacteristically nervous. And every one of my relationships has been great, probably because of that. This is one of the times I'd tell you to always listen to your emotions; never date a girl you don't get that feeling about.

#7: Even If She's Perfect... Keep Your Options Open

We've discussed this before on here, but women - even women in committed relationships - have men approaching them all the time, and have options with men at all times because of that. Most men - even very attractive ones - don't get approached by women much, if at all, and thus, when they enter into committed relationships and stop meeting new women, their abundance mindsets gradually recede, and their confidence in their abilities to find a replacement partner or partners for their current girl gradually disappear.

The relationship is led by the partner who is more confident of being able to find an equal or better replacement partner; if that's you, you'll be in charge, you'll be happy, and, provided you're taking good care of her in the relationship, so will your woman be. If it's her though, she'll become disinterested and somewhat disgusted at dating a weaker man.

As relationships progress, a power shift generally takes place as the man loses certainty in his ability to find a replacement partner, and the woman's remains steady. It isn't the woman who changes here; it's the man. But the woman's attitude toward the man changes as he does: she begins to respect him less, and tests him for weakness and pushes the limits with him more.

As soon as the woman in your life knows that you CAN'T leave her, but she CAN leave you, your goose is cooked.

She can order you around or be rude to you, and there's nothing you can do about it.

She can treat you like a second-rate citizen, and there's nothing you can do about it.

She can cheat on you with a manlier man, and there's nothing you can do about it.

You need to keep your options open, enough so that you maintain an abundance mindset. There are several ways of going about this, including:

  • Actually dating and sleeping with other women (of quality equal to or superior to your girlfriend's, optimally)

  • Continuing to pick up and bring interactions close to sex, but aborting the pick up just before you'd have sex with the girl (enough so that you constantly reassure yourself that yes, you have the ability, whenever and wherever you want it)

  • Having some other place you want to move to in the world that will give you a fresh start with women you'd like to date (e.g., NOT the same city where you live with her now). This might be another city with women you've always wanted to date (California girls if you live on the East Coast of the U.S., for instance, or Melbourne girls if you're living in Sydney), or it might be another part of the world (scintillating Latinas, pouty Eastern European girls, cute Asian girls, sultry African girls).

    Why not your own city? Because after too long of not meeting new women in your city, your mind begins to assume that you've got the best girl you're going to find in that town. It isn't right, of course; but it doesn't know that, and it won't believe you if you try to tell it that. So thinking that you're going to date other girls in town doesn't help with having an abundance mindset when you need it; you need to be thinking somewhere else... a new adventure, with lusty new women. And it needs to be somewhere with some women you're excited about.

If you're able to keep your options open, you'll retain your ability to walk away, which paradoxically makes you better able to maintain strength and thus attraction and respect inside your relationships.

Being able to leave means you're better able to stay, and better able to keep things healthy and strong.

Starting Off on the Right Foot

This stuff isn't easy, but it's not the hardest in the world to do, either. Essentially, you've just got to be able to say, "I know I want this emotionally right now, but I need to do this instead so that I and my girl will be happier tomorrow."

Then do these:

  1. Act Slightly Warmer After First Sex, But Otherwise the Same
  2. Text a Girl Something Pleasant 3 to 6 Hours After First Sex
  3. Don't See Her Too Often, at Least at First
  4. Know Your Purpose for the Relationship
  5. Don't Frontload the Excitement in the Relationship
  6. Date the Right Girl
  7. Even If She's Perfect... Keep Your Options Open

They'll allow you to start a relationship out strongly, and set it up for continued success, and a very rewarding experience. All you need to do is plan for the future a little bit, and be a bit more ant than you are grasshopper.

If you're able to follow these tips, you'll have many happy relationships to come - or maybe just one, and it simply won't end. If that's what you want, of course!


Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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donnie darko's picture

Hi Chase,

Excellent article, as always.

Any chance you could dispense some advice on a situation that I currently am in? There's this girl (X) at work whom I *suspect* is attracted to me, and am hoping to get a second opinion from an dispassionate observer.

Recently, X invited me to a dinner outing with a group of 10+ friends (including her female (F) and male (M) BFFs, henceforth known as F and M respectively). This was my *FIRST* ever outing with X's group of friends; I had turned down a previous invitation by X on her first day at work.

During the dinner, F was incredibly flirtatious towards me, asking prying questions about my availability and past gfs in the presence of X. My responses were playfully vague, which only seemed to embolden X and M. Initially, I chalked it up to facetious banter, until F blurted something out abruptly - 'You cannot date X, because I want you for myself'. It was a complete non-sequitur in the conversation, and led to a rather betrayed+embarrassed look from X, directed at F and M.

After dinner, we (F, M, X, and myself) went to a bar, and those 2 girls shared rather personal details of their past boyfriends with the group. This time, however, it was X who insisted on knowing more about my ex gfs, and when I remained coy, she threw a faux hissy fit and gave me 3 light punches on the shoulder.

Am I drawing the right conclusions from this? If so, then the attraction is mutual, though the only hangup that I have is that X is one of those chaste religious types.


M, X, and myself work together.

M and X will be returning to their home country (overseas) upon completion of their posting at my firm.

Just before we had set foot in the dinner venue, I overheard M teasing X that he would make her seat with another one of their male mutual friends, and 'settle' for him. Prior to that, M teased X that she could spend more time with me during the dinner.

While F was flirting with me, it was evident that X had been telling the former about my idiosyncrasies, as F seemed to know a lot about me. But then again, X did share practically everything (not just me) about her day at work with F.

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Donnie,

Yes, the signals are loud and clear. Obviously, she's gossiped to her friends about how much she likes you and wants to date you... so much so that the friends now want you too, and are teasing her in public. She brought you out in front of her friends to get their approvale of you, and they have strongly approved (and are even making their own interest in you known).

The punches are a very strong sign. Girls hitting you typically means they're extremely open to you.

Because X has openly declared her interest, you need to move relatively quickly on this one before the window closes and she enters auto-rejection. If she's religious, you'll have to gauge how fast you can move; some religious women abstain from sex, some do not.

In any event, she's certainly very, very interested, and if things don't work out with her for any reason, it sounds like there are a couple of other girls who are lined up and willing to take her place.


Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase, great article

Not in the context of relationships, just generally, what is the best way to refuse any tasks a woman asks you to do?


Chase Amante's picture

Hi Anon,

Depends on the task, but an easy one typically is to ask her, "Why don't you do it yourself?" and when she gives some whiney / complainy / "Awww... but I'm TIRED!" "Awww... but I want YOU to do it FOR me!", brush it off ("You're crazy. I'm tired too. If you want it, you're perfectly capable of getting it yourself") said half-stern, half-laughing at her silliness.

Another one is to propose a task with even higher levels of investment that she can do simultaneous with you doing the task for her in return. e.g., she says, "Anon, can you get me a cup of water?" and you say, "Yeah. Actually, I really need to throw a pizza in the oven, I'm getting pretty hungry... can you throw that pizza on for me, and I'll go get you your water?" If she refuses, you can then freely refuse back. If she complains, you can complain back. "But I'm really thirsty!" "Well, I'm really hungry! Where's my pizza?!"

Basically, it's a childish / ridiculous situation, and you should be half dismissing it with sternness, and half laughing at its ridiculousness the whole time.


Maxz's picture

This article is just beyond solid Chase.

Everything preached goes counter to what many guys are doing out there, I have seen it with my own eyes. And it scares the crap out of me. Maybe that is why I have not been in a long term relationship. All the suplicating that men do at the begin of relationships is basically what kills many of them.

What you are basically preaching here Chase is a minimalistic approach to handling a relationship when it begins. I totally concur with this observation.

After reading this, I feel I can jump into a relationship and not worry about what lies ahead. Legendary Chase.

Chase Amante's picture


That's it exactly. If you summed it up, it'd be, "If you want a great relationship, do very little other than just BE with the girl. And even then, don't be with her TOO much. You can always scale this up over time and do more gradually."

The doing more gradually needs to go against the ebb and flow of emotions... as the emotions fade, you can do more. When they're stronger, you discipline yourself and do less.

Simple in theory, though most men will never do it in practice because they're too caught up in their feelings.


Whizzy's picture

Hi Chase!

Another great article. I for one have always been one of the people confused with trusting logic vs my emotions when it comes to relationships. After reading this and from my past experiences this sounds like the next step in improving my relationships, especially the goal oriented portion of the article. I think being overly emotional leads to a lack of direction/goals from a guy in the relationship so it creates a domino effect of starts. This just means the old saying about staying calm and controlled goes for most situations in life including your love life. Thanks for the great insights as always!

Chase Amante's picture

Hi Whizzy,

Logic and emotions have a really interesting interplay. Basically, if you ever reach a point where ONE of them is TOTALLY dominating the other, you're in trouble. Emotions are the canaries in the coal mine when it comes to danger situations... they'll let you know if something is horribly out of whack. But, they also cause a lot of false alarms, too, so you need to be able to figure out which kinds of chirps to listen to and which ones not to.

With rewarding situations, emotions are the beach... sometimes you just need to go hit the beach, enjoy, and unwind from all the stresses and strains of life. But if you stay out on the beach on vacation for too long, everything back home falls apart. A balance is needed.


Whizzy's picture

Hi Chase,

Perfectly said. As people go through more and more relationships if they pay attention they should be able to tell when it's time for one vs the other. Once again practice makes perfect

Franco's picture

This was a great read, Chase. I know this topic has been written about before, but it was great to see some more in-depth coverage. I especially liked your checklist for: "Are You a Relationship Grasshopper?"

Based on that checklist, I'd say that 99% of men out there are exactly that. It doesn't help that the media (and all of Western civilization) embraces the idea of "following your heart" and "things being meant to be." But, I won't complain. It guess it just gives that remaining 1% of us a distinct advantage who have the foresight to plan ahead. The girlfriends of the readers of this website will be very lucky. ;)



Chase Amante's picture

Hey Franco,

Haha, glad you liked the checklist. The subheading was probably a little cheesy, but it gets the job done.

Relationships are such a complex subject unfolding over such long periods of time that almost nobody gets good at them. Some people stick together because they've found the perfect match (this typically takes a guy being very good at picking up and screening and knowing exactly what he wants, although it can sometimes happen by pure chance), or because both are too afraid to break up and look for new partners (I have a lot of friends in their 30s who fall in this boat... neither partner is thrilled with the other, but each views the current partner as better than what he or she can get on the open market, although they'll never come out and tell you that).

If most men would agree to either just give women what they want, or be honest about not being able to give it to them and let them go, you'd see such a colossal reduction in bitter women out there that the entire feminist movement would disappear. Instead, fearful men try to hold onto women while simultaneously not giving them what they want or need. As you note, any guy who embraces "give her what she needs, or let her go," along with the other tenets here, is going to have (generally speaking) a much happier woman in general.

It's not rocket science, but it does take a little bit of stopping and examining, and most people are so caught up in the living and experiencing that they never take the time to step back and observe.


Anonymous's picture

What do you think of kissing girls on their cheek whether they are friends,lovers,or girlfriends.

Anonymous's picture

Does the same rule apply to relationships in high school.

M's picture

What are your views on writing poetry for a girl? I've been reading Casanova's memoirs and, although the social constructs are very different, he oft used the written word as a powerful form of seduction. I've studied literature for awhile, and have dabbled in creative writing myself previously.

Does this violate the law of least effort and come across as to emotional/feminine? Or, conversely, does it help to establish you as a very romantic man (even... strikingly different) in today's time? Best to do a day after an intimate moment, like the first sexual encounter? Or later in the relationship (3-4 months into it)?


Eric Reeves's picture

Oddly enough, this may work but not in the way you intend it to.

There's an idea by a neuro-scientist, called an Erotical Illusion (taken from the name optical illusion) where the mind has a tendency to "read between the lines" and extrapolate attraction.

This is mostly seen in the shemale porn industry, who's audience is actually straight males (gay men are often not interested in shemale porn). Interesting points he brings up are that the most attractive points of interest in porn to men are (in order): 1) The chest, 2) The penis, 3) The butt, 4) The feet. Despite the shemales being.. well.. male.. The audience is still purely straight men, because of the illusive effect (curves of the male body to look female).

Note that women are not interested in shemale porn, and also not penises (yes men care much more about them then women). The erotical illusion for gay men is usually the female-to-man gender change, which results in a very butch/buff looking man with a vagina.

The erotical illusion for a FEMALE is typically romantic novels, which deal more in depth with the emotional side of things. Someone like Edward Cullen is a prime candidate for an archetypical illusion to the female, as men are not interested in him (sometimes often being off-put) while females are very very attracted.

Something to think about I guess.. but I would also like to say that Casanova may have had a few things wrong (but a lot right).. He could also be quite anti-social with his hate/disgust/inner-thoughts of those around him. If you read his book, then you'd notice where he would mention briefly that he would go off in a fit (maybe for an hour?) to girls in front of him -- in rage. He leaves this dialog out though. Casanova isn't the best model to follow..

Stay away from expending effort though. It's good to train yourself, because otherwise it's going to be a bottleneck for your progress. I did say that being more feminine is more attractive to females, but still -- don't do it.

---- Edit ----

I wrote this and then realized that I DID explain why poetry works.. but I didn't put enough emphasis on answering your question..

Be extremely careful with doing romantic stuff like this (aka don't do it)..


1. It's easy to mess up and come off as weak
2. It's easy to ellicit strong feelings in your girl, which makes it easier to hurt her
3. It makes things move very very fast, and if you want to slow down (or hit a wall) in the relationship it will crash (leading to #2)
4. It sets expectations (like for 2 and 3)

Vaughn 's picture

To be honest no I don't approach 30-40 a week.. maybe that's where I mess up at. But chase I don't have a car so I only know girls from work and social circle, I can't go do the approaching like you say. So should I try to pick up customers while working? What else can I do? And everything is far and I need a car, I can't walk. I also remember you saying that guys with passions do better with women. So am I focusing too much about women when I read your articles? Cause I'm addicted to them. I'm kinda saying am I focusing to much on women by reading your articles? I fantasize about using your techniques with girls I know and have, is that my problem? Thank you!!!

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Vaughn,

If you're really set on getting good with girls, you've GOT to figure out a way to get the experiences you need with them to develop your skill set.

I don't know your living situation, but if you're not in a city, you should move to one, and if you can't move to one, you should find a way (bus, train, a ride from a friend, a ride from a family member) to get into the nearest city one day a week at least (e.g. a day off), and spend all day there meeting girls. One of the guys I learned from early on lived about 40 minutes outside of the closest city nearby, so one day a week he'd drive into the city and spend 12 hours there just meeting girls all day long, and at the end of the day he'd drive back, and that was how he learned game.

You don't HAVE to do this, of course; most guys never learn game like this, and just end up with whatever girl they happen to be around with and stumble into doing the right things with.

But if you want a honed, sharpened skill set, and you want to be able to do the things you want with women more or less on command, then you need to get a range of experiences to fall back on.

You just have to figure out where you can go to get those experiences - if you really want it, I'm confident you will. People have a way of finding the things they really want and getting them, so long as they keep working on them and chipping away.


Balla's picture

Great stuff Chase I always believed the less you care the more power you have.
I have a few questions about your article though.

When keeping your options open how do you not get caught and not feel guilty and paranoid after doing the do with a girl? Some girls could be crazy and try to be in your life more than just a fling.

What are you suppose to tell your girl EVERYTIME she ask you to do something? Like movies, restaurants, etc. you said not for 90 days so how do u avoid doing that with her and keep her around?

About me: I work in retail and I want to know what's the best way to pick up customers? I feel being direct and fast to get the number works, but I never tried because Im kinda nervous on how they would react if someone working at a place she shops at tries to approach her.
I feel if she makes more than me and she sees me working in some grocery store, she will think "I don't want his broke ass" haha.
Let me know what you think about my situation.

Is their A way you can be a sexy friend? What i mean is the girls know im very sexual but were friends becuase of work/social circle. I only talk to them at work and stay on the outside, hi's and byes and some little convo and flirting. I don't want to be a friend but I'm very sexual and all that but I dont sleep with these girls because I don't have any good logistics at the moment. The girls are very receptive to me and don't mind my flirting or advances, they sometimes encourage it. Let me know what you have to say about this.
Thanks chase.


Chase Amante's picture


On guilty and paranoid, you ideally don't want to be feeling these, so try to avoid doing things that you'd feel guilty or paranoid about. If you're telling a girl you're exclusive to her, it's usually better not to violate that trust. There's a whole big moral / ethical debate on what you owe someone and trust, honesty, etc., but the long and short of it is, if you're getting a bad feeling that's telling you, "Don't do this, it's wrong, and somebody's going to get hurt," don't do it. Use one of the other methods of keeping your options open.

On getting asked to do things, most girls won't propose a lot of things to do, unless they're really outgoing / party-type / highly social girls. I tend to avoid these kinds of girls and advise guys to avoid these girls too, unless they REALLY enjoy this lifestyle. The frequent-socializing lifestyle eats up a lot of time, so it depends what your priorities are. I will say that if she wants to go out all the time and you don't, there's going to be a mismatch and you're not going to be well-suited for one another. However, you can always tell her, "I'd rather just chill tonight. Let's hang out, just the two of us." If she keeps proposing things and you keep declining, you're probably headed for issues at some point.

Customers - yeah, we talked about this one before, remember? Here's your original remark on it and my response:

... and the article on picking up girls shopping:

How to Pick Up Girls Shopping for Gifts or Groceries

Check those out for a refresher on what we discussed before; my advice is the same.


The M's picture

Hey Chase,

I changed my name a bit since it appears that there's another M getting in the way here. :) Although his question on poetry is something I would have asked myself...

I'm not sure if you've covered the above four topics all that much on this blog, so I was wondering what your views on them are:

- Generosity: You're obviously an extremely generous guy, writing all these articles and thoroughly responding to every single comment in the 2-3 days afterward. At the same time, though, I'm sure you don't waste time giving tons of advice to just anyone who asks. How do you properly calibrate your level of generosity (be too generous and you're a pushover or a pompous advice-dispenser [which of course you're not], be too stingy and you're uncaring and self-centered or holding back information)?

- Appreciation: I once forgot to publicly acknowledge someone who had helped me on something important (and so I got all the credit), and I felt pretty bad. How can I always remember to be appreciative of others, and what's the best way to show it?

- Caring: When I deep dive, sometimes I feel that I'm "faking it" - I don't really care about the person, but I'm trying to give the appearance that I do by asking all these probing questions and trying to relate. This doesn't feel right. How can I truly care about someone - or is deep diving the path to get there?

- Empathy: When I read a story in the news, I just basically know what happened and that's about it. But when many women read the same story, they start empathizing so much with the people in it - "I feel so bad for him...", "She is the worst kind of person..." etc. - as if they already know and understand them. How DO they do it? I have trouble empathizing even with people I know well...

Finally, what role do these traits play in a seduction? In a relationship? I know they're important, but being confident and sexy doesn't seem to really involve them...

Hope this all doesn't sound too "new-agey" as you would say. :)


Chase Amante's picture

Hey M,

No, not too new age-y at all! Those are all important qualities to be able to use properly and in the right amounts.


I think the big one on this is thinking long-term scalability and opportunity costs. For instance, for me, there are selfish reasons for replying to comments like getting more informed about what people want to read about and building stronger relationships with the core readership, in addition to "selfless" ones like the enjoyment of helping guys you know who are working hard on lifting themselves up by their bootstraps (even so-called selflessness is selfish though; you get emotional boosts from doing things you feel like make you a "good person," and you usually have some long-term goal in your selflessness, like building a reputation or building friends and allegiances).

Where generosity gets in the way is when you start giving away too much of something valuable for free. For instance, I don't really give email advice away anymore because it's one-on-one, doesn't build any community at all (unlike comments and the forum), and most of the guys who get into email exchanges with you keep writing for more and more and more personal advice, and they often never apply any of it.

You've got to figure out if a certain form of generosity is a good use of your time, and cut back on the ones that aren't. Trying to save "lost causes" is a good example of something that can suck up a lot of a generous person's time but provide little return (these are the people who always have problems and never get better).


Only way to learn to do this all the time is to realize whenever you didn't do it, and immediately correct it. I've had times I forgot to acknowledge someone publicly, and I went back and said, "Wait, hold on, I feel terrible about this, but I completely neglected to mention one of the most important people in this. He..." The bigger the gaffe, the more you must stress the importance of the person.

Get in the habit of always praising others for their work, and you'll get in the habit of always remember to. It's like remembering anything else - you just need to build the habit of doing it.


What you really want to do is steer your deep dives quickly toward subjects that are both significant to the person in question, and interesting to you. For instance, if you're bored to tears talking about someone's time in university, don't talk about it - get them off that subject and onto something more interesting. That's the best way of dealing with this - learn to direct the conversation better.


Empathy comes from imagining feeling what other people are feeling. Most people become jaded when they see something often enough, and girls often have incentives to act overly empathetic ("Aww, those poor people!"). If you pay attention, you'll notice it's usually the prettier girls who are acting this way - the less attractive ones don't bother much. Why? Because the prettier ones have realized that by acting highly empathetic, they can draw more attention to themselves. It isn't always that they are profoundly feeling the pain of others - much of the time, it's a learned act.

Empathy plays a strong part in seduction. You can learn it without it (and I have known friends with Asperger's or sociopathology who managed to), but it's always a little mechanical for those lacking it and there are always some situations they simply can't understand (like when someone's upset about something they've done that that person found hurtful, for instance). You should always try to see things from women's eyes and understand WHY they're acting the way they do. This speeds your learning curve up dramatically, if you can "think" like a woman.

Just ask yourself, "If I wanted what this girl wants, what would I want and how I would I feel about this situation?" Change the objectives in your head, and watch how your emotions shift. It's pretty cool.


The M's picture

Thank you for the detailed and intuitive reply! This is so helpful to me.

I just read a news article with the last question in your post in mind, and my emotions indeed shifted and I could empathize just fine with the woman in the story, even though I've never been in anything like that situation. That was in fact my initial reaction to the story, but the tone of the article made me feel that something was wrong with it. Your way of phrasing that question is just perfect.


Mike's picture

This was pretty useful. Next, I'd like to see an article on how to maintain non-exclusivity with a girl, even if it goes against her agenda of getting in a relationship with you.

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Mike,

Ricardus has a couple of posts up that deal with this to a degree here:

Don't Hurt a Girl: The Importance of Expectations

How to Date Multiple Women (with Zero Drama)

I have a mini-speech I give girls when I start getting protestations about wanting something serious here:

Where Do You See This Going?

Aside from that though, I can't recommend maneuvering women into staying with you when they want exclusivity and you do not. I did it when I was inexperienced because I thought I knew better than the girls themselves did, and it'd be good for a while, but it always ended in a lot of damage, broken hearts, and upset, despite me being totally forthright.

The lesson I took away from all of that is, if you really care about her, listen to what she's saying she wants, and either give it to her, or let her know you can't and leave it at her discretion to stay with you or not. Many times when you're pursuing casual relationships, women will leave for a while to have a serious relationship, then return to you again later (provided you let them go on good terms, of course) when they start wanting a stronger man than the one they ended up dating after you.


Anonymous's picture

I've been looking for some literature to read in my spare time which features strong, sexy men in hopes of helping to rewrite my brain and mask the social coding we have now! Any suggestions of authors, novels, etc?

Eric Reeves's picture

Not fictional (that I'm aware of) but Sleazy Nights was one of my favorite reads.

Mike's picture

Can't find this book with Google, are you sure about the name?

Eric Reeves's picture

My mistake, "Sleazy Stories".

I get it mixed up all the time for some reason..

kneek0's picture


I might be getting ahead of myself here, but I would appreciate your insight. Spring semester just started, so I re-read your article on how to pick up in class. I met this beautiful girl, and moved fast, though she seems a little on the shyer side as it took more effort for me to get her to open up than it does with other women. I have talked to her twice, and found out she just moved up here a week ago (probably why she seems a little more reserved than other college girls I meet). But I got her smiling and laughing a bit so I proposed to get a bite to eat this week, she agreed and gave me her number. I expect to take her to bed soon, because without expecting something how can you achieve it. So, my question is, once I bed her, how do I limit seeing her throughout the week if we have a class together Monday through Thursday? Don't want her, or myself for that matter, getting too attached.

Another great article,

Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Kneek,

That's really a situation that's outside your control, to a large extent.

You could skip those classes, and have her share her notes with you, if you wanted (if you can... I know some classes have attendance policies, or pop quizzes). But most probably, you're going to see her 4 days a week regardless of what you do, and it's going to need to be a serious relationship by default - it'll simply escalate very quickly.

Knowing that going in, I'd recommend you make your peace with it and accept that this'll probably be an intense, rapidly-progressing relationship, simply because you'll see her so much and she'll likely want to spend time with you after class. It may be a "boom and bust" type relationship, where once the next semester rolls around and you're no longer in a class together, she'll start feeling like "something is missing" and it's "not what it once was," and then the relationship will fracture and end. Or, you might find a way to continue seeing each other throughout the day, and maintain that momentum.

Either way, if you're seeing her all the time regardless, it will be what it will be (unless you both go in with an explicit understanding that it's going to be a casual relationship / non-serious, but it doesn't sound like that's what either of you want), and it's best if, since you can't control that aspect of it here, you accept that and dive in head first and enjoy it, and look to control more the areas that are still inside your control.


C man's picture

Hey Chase,
First let me say that your site has been so helpful to me and I never would have gotten anywhere without it. I am a high school and have recently started a relationship with this girl I met through a youth program, who lives one town over. At the beginning of the relationship, she was texting me nonstop and I was doing the right thing and making myself scarce. There was a youth convention coming up, which she told me she was going to and convinced me to go. She also implied we would hook up and she knew I was also going to hook up with other women. Within two hours of my arrival at the convention, she hooked with another guy and made it a point to show him off to me. Although I need up hooligans up with another girl, the convention sucked. Her roommates also came up to me and apologized on her behalf. When I asked the girl why she did it, she responded that she didn't know if I liked her or not and the guy"manhandled" the kiss but she didn't want to kiss him. It was a horrible excuse. I thought she was either trying to make me jealous, or this was an attempt to grab power in the relationship. I ended up forgiving her, because she is really cute and now I can't stop texting her. Also, she gave me a present for my birthday and since her birthday is coming up I bought a necklace which cost as much as what she got for me. I am not the most sociable kid in high school, and I have just started to pick up girls (thanks to you). I was wondering how I can discipline myself to stop texting her, and how can I manage to save this relationship because I really like her.

LJM's picture

Chase ,
I've been reading your forums for awhile now trying to brush up on my skills.
I haven't been truly single for the past 4 years. I'm 22 and have a friend from grade school I've reconnected with. I'll refer to her as X. X and I first got reacquainted, after texting for a couple weeks, when I offered to take her out for her birthday. We talked on the drive and caught up at a lounge and she said she wanted to make it clear she wasn't interested in a relationship with anyone ( she set this as a resolution for this year and was freshly single) at the moment. She said her friends wanted to meet up with her at another location and invited me along. I agreed to but had to go meet up with my friends first (I am apart of a team and had business on the same side of town that night). So when I rejoined her I became aware quickly her friends (6) were all other guys 2 of which were a homosexual couple (Y & Z) who paid a lot of attention to me (I'd never met any of these guys beforehand and wasn't sure if I was being judged for possible potential of anything by these two for her), and one who seemed oddly possessive of her ( acted like I was competition, I'll call him A). At the end of the night the Y & Z offered us ( X, myself, and A) to go to their place to drink a little so we did. When the time came to go home though A asserted he could take her home even though I lived down the road from her and he lived 20+ away from her. She let me take her home though basically I'm curious because since then I've felt subtle signals and we text occasionally and see each other at events where myself or my team is present and she always goes out of her way to come talk to me and is very warm towards me while A who follows her around like a puppy dog and pouts and gets pissy when she shows me or any other guy attention even if it's a completely platonic conversation. Basically I can't tell if she's interested I know A put himself in the friend zone category because he does the same crap I used to when I was inexperienced but she seems interested in her body language and how she is around me but how do I find out for sure?
Hope you can help me keep up with all you do you've helped me a lot already just need a little advice with this one!

Croatian's picture

Hello :)

Random Croatian guy here,

You seem quite intelligent, and socially savvy. However, I don't quite agree with everything you write. Most of it is true, even here.

I've been reading and this is really interesting stuff you're revealing. Out of laziness I'm just going to comment on this single post.

Haven't read all of your blog, but have you pointed out that every woman needs a different approach, and also if you're fishing (currently lacking a better expression) in the same place regularly, you will need to change your avenue of approach quite often.

Also, how do I put this, I understand what you're talking about when you're saying somebody has game. But why do you need game? So far, I've been able to get any girl I've met and talked to, interested in me, and also to reveal any information I want about her, without putting any conscious effort into it. On multiple occasions I have been complimented for my charm, but I don't know how I'm doing it. And when I do win her over, I usually don't know what to do, so you may see the problem. I actually don't want anything with the girls I make smalltalk to.

See, I'm rarely interested in one-night stands and superficial girls, I have lots of friends who are girls, and which I can turn into something more at any time, given one hangout. But I lose interest very quickly since it's so goddamn easy.

The only thing I like are fiery, strong, independent and intelligent women. They are the sexiest of the crowd. Don't get me wrong, there are girls better looking than these, but, in my opinion these are complete women. They have a no-bullshit policy about men and extremely high criteria (although that doesn't mean you actually have to meet the standards). This attitude you can see from the very first moment.

See, these girls are mostly avoided since they usually frighten even the guys with the best looks. They are going to make you work for anything you want with them.

Currently, I'm finding this one girl particularly challenging. Two things, one she is all of the above, she also turns heads, a lot of them, and the most important part, she's planned her next two years out: no relationships, strictly college, and then she'll find someone after that. A piece of fine work this one is, but I'm betting it all that getting all that armor down and off of her, she'll be the best one so far.

I've done quite a bit, and if she didn't have this no relationship policy and wasn't hardheaded, this would have been done a lot sooner. I've only one thing left I reckon, showing her she can balance a relationship with college and she's mine.

So I wanted, if you're interested a different perspective. I've got her teasing me, telling me anything I want to know about her, jokingly hitting me, smiling everytime she sees me, and hanging out with me anytime I ask, extremely warm. One other thing I've failed to mention is that usually she's open, communicative with guys, but never warm, in any kind of way. Alone with me, feels like she's melting but doesn't want to show it. Have I misinterpreted this?

One mistake I know I'm making is, I'm not giving her a clear signal as to what I want with her yet (as I'm not sure myself), but I've set a slow "hanging out" (that's the best term in English I could come up with, other than pre-relationship) pace with her, and made it continuously progress.

Don't mistake me for a fool, I have several girls on different "progress levels". I could go on more, but I don't have the will anymore.

Main thing I can advise you is, make the girl smile, if you want a relationship (one-night stands are a different thing). Funny is real important to any girl.

Brian Mallister's picture

Hey Chase,

So I've been studying your articles for a little over a year now, slowly improving my game, and of course taking more and more girls to bed. (To anyone with doubts about the legitimacy of this site, it's content or Chase himself, I PROMISE you this stuff works.) You've literally changed my way of thinking when approaching girls.

Now I still consider myself very inexperienced, very amateur level.. however applying what I've learned here I've been able to sleep with 11 different girls in the past 6 months, ALL on the first date. I've made it a rule now. As you've beaten into our heads time and again.

Which now brings me to this article. My most recent lay is a bit different. I really like this girl, she seems really into me as well. What's funny is I was absolutely adamant on NOT using this site once I make the girl my lover. Never liked the idea of using game while in a relationship. However reading through this article , it makes TOO much sense for me not to apply these strategies. Another home run Chase.

Thanks for everything brother!

Aggripa's picture

Spot on sir, however:
What about a potential mate you work with?

Marije's picture

As a girl on this site, I find it very informational. There are great articles.

But I have met this guy.. i've got his number, I went to him.. He took me out for dinner and a movie and then to sleep at his house.. - Nothing happend!
But we hugged a lot.. and I think he would have kissed me if I didn't break it... - He hold my face in his hand, I hugged him (as a thank you for something) and he starred in my eyes - I don't know if I really want a lover.. or if I am ready of that.
And then comes the problem that he lives on the other side of the country and traveling is expensive.. so I can't go there as often.
So yeah.. I think I need a little advise on this.

Greatings from a girls (21) in the Netherlands!

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