How to Be Edgy (and Turn Women On)


how to be edgyMost of the time, you walk about the world meeting ordinary people living ordinary lives who leave little of an impression on you. That's life.

But, every now and again, you see someone, or run into someone, who strikes you a certain way. You can't quite put your finger on what exactly that something is - the individual has a certain degree of intensity about him, you think; or a piercing gaze. He might not be charismatic; and he might not be sexy or sensual. But he's definitely got something.

This is a post about that "something;" about how to be edgy. Edge is a particularly difficult thing to learn, and teach, because it entails a specific rawness about oneself that most people simply lack. And that rawness is difficult to emulate when you don't have it... perhaps more difficult than being sexual, more than being charismatic, more difficult than almost anything else.

And while it is necessary for you to transcend into the higher levels of success with women, it isn't a magic bullet; you'll meet plenty of men with edges who still struggle with girls, too. It's a component, and a vital one, but it isn't all that good on its own.

Adrian commented the following recently over on the post about indirect game:

Chase,

Great to hear from you! Cultivating an "edge" is something you often talk about. That said, my understanding of what exactly constitute this "edge" is still rather spotty. To me, cultivating an "edge" is a movement along the "disarming and friendly" model towards the "bad-boy/don't-give-a-shit" model. Considering being warm and welcoming an integral factor in your process, how does cultivating an "edge" fit into it? Furthermore, during your journey in developing "edge" to your character, what are some specific areas/mindsets you worked on?

Many thanks,
A

All right Adrian, let's talk about it. We've talked about being a sexy man plenty on here, and the vibes and nuances that go along with that.

Now let's talk about being edgy itself, and how that's different from sexy... and just how combining edginess with sexiness turns you into a very compelling character, to everyone you encounter.


how to be edgy

In "How to Master Anything," I mentioned that I think you've got to be somewhat - or perhaps very - crazy in order to master well nigh anything. Edge goes along with that.

Have a look at some of these pictures of brilliant, accomplished individuals...

mozart  mozart

That's Mozart, the pianist. A single look at him tells you he's likely not the sort who backs down from a fight... doesn't it? He's clearly an intense, focused man. He has an edge to him.

Here's another one:

picasso

picasso  picasso

Probably not a guy you'd want to run into in a dark alley, right?

That's Pablo Picasso, the famous painter. Edgy, right? You might not be terribly surprised to know that Picasso was also a world-class seducer and philanderer (and probably also wouldn't be surprised to know it didn't always end well emotionally for those he philandered with).

How about one more:

tesla  tesla

This one's Nikola Tesla, the man who more or less invented the 20th century, including alternating current (which made it possible to have homes wired with electricity... which would've been impractical with Edison's direct current, which Tesla also worked on). Tesla was a prolific inventor: he invented much of the technology used in radio. He created the precursors to radar. And x-ray technology. Transistors. Hydroelectric power plants. Lots more. In fact, he kept inventing and kept coming up with astonishing new things until at an advanced age he died penniless and alone in a low-end hotel room.

Scroll through these pictures, and you can tell that every single one of these men has edge.

It's not all the same edge - Mozart looks like a bulldog who will pull strings and use his connections to screw you if you piss him off; Tesla looks like he's peering into your soul and knows what you're thinking; Picasso just looks like he's going to come at your kneecaps with a baseball bat if you look at him funny.

Edge can take a variety of forms. But the one thing you'll notice in every single one of these pictures is intense, drilling eye contact, with the camera or the painter, and just a hint of a smile playing about the corners of the subject's lips (in all except the bottom right picture of Picasso).

What gives, and why do Mozart, Picasso, and Tesla, three great men in totally different fields who likely never met each other, all have shades of the same expression?


Where Edge Comes From

Edge, I think, is something you must develop naturally, at least in part, from having objectives and concerns important to you and talents within you that you know other people are awed by - or at least can't match.

This can be natural - you can just have worked yourself to the bone until you got so good at something that you know other people can't come close to you, and you think you're the best at it and can take anyone - or it can be insanity: you can just be batshit crazy and think you're all-important or have access to privileged knowledge. Picture a wild homeless man ranting at passersby on the street at the top of his lungs... not talented, but extremely edgy. Same goes for religious fundamentalists, or dyed-in-the-wool political partisans. Not often talented, but wild edge poking out nevertheless about the seams.

In other words, you can be edgy because you're actually really good and you're on a mission to build or create something, or because you've adopted a cause that tells you if you follow it you're really good, and you truly believe it.

Learning how to be edgy, then, is really about learning how to believe something so deeply that it manifests itself in a feeling of control and superiority to the normal people you meet on the street.

Why's this helpful with women? Why did Picasso have women all over him, and Tesla too (although Tesla chose to remain celibate for life to not sidetrack him from his work). It's unclear what Mozart's life with women was like, but as he was in charge of casting young women in his own operas, we might be able to guess.

It wasn't just because they were famous. Tesla was always desired by women, both for his charm and for his looks. And if you read up on Picasso, you'll find out he was seducing women from a young age, long before any of them knew who he was, despite his lack of looks.

Edginess boils down to a handful of things:

  • Overriding belief in one's own "rightness;" or, extremely strong moral authority
  • Confidence in one's own beliefs as superior to or stronger than others'
  • Certainty that one will get what one wants, one way or another
  • Experience being socially successful

With one or more of those, you've got edge.

With all of them, you've got edge... and, charm.


how to be edgy

You're not going to develop edge if you're just an ordinary guy reading an article on how to be edgy for kicks and giggles. That isn't the profile of an edgy individual, and the majority of individuals will never be edgy.

To develop edge, you must believe strongly, and you must believe in yourself, and you must believe in whatever mission you subscribe to, or whatever mission you choose to subscribe to. That could be a religion, a calling, a cause; a political persuasion, a life purpose, or a passion or art you are completely and utterly devoted to. Mozart's cause was his art; Tesla's, his science; and Picasso's his paintings and his women.

Your cause might be:

  • Creating incredible art
  • Building a burgeoning business
  • Advancing scientific research
  • Advancing mankind
  • Advancing your religion
  • Advancing your political party
  • Advancing some other affiliation
  • Being the first to do something
  • Being the best at doing something

But whatever it is you choose to subscribe to, it needs to be bigger than you, and it needs to be bigger than the women you meet.

A lot of men have the problem that they don't subscribe to anything bigger than themselves or the women they meet. So when they meet some girl, it's a really big deal. Because they don't know what they want!

How about Mozart, Picasso, or Tesla... do you get the impression looking into their faces that any of THESE guys thinking meeting some new girl is a "big deal?"

mozart picassotesla

Yeah, not really, right?

It's the women meeting them who think it's a big deal... not the other way around.

But now take Mozart's composition away from him... Picasso's paintbrush... Tesla's inventions. Prevent them from ever doing what they love again. Do they still retain that edge?

Possibly, if they can find something else to plunge themselves into... but probably not to the same degree. Instead, it becomes a shadow of the edge it once was... I used to be great, it says. The edge of an old man who's hung up his spurs and can only recall what he once was... how he once was great.

Edge stems from belief, in one's purpose and in one's self. The two are intimately tied together, and inseparable. When you believe very much in yourself, you will find a purpose or create one; and when you have a purpose you devote yourself to and begin to see success in it, you will more and more come to believe in yourself.

Now let's talk about having an edge.


How to Be Edgy: Emulation

Can you emulate edge without having an actual internal edge yet?

Sure.

Edge as it's perceived by people comes down to two categories: nonverbals, and behavior. The nonverbals are easy to get down. The behavior, without an actual edge, is more challenging.

Let's tackle the nonverbal portion of learning how to be edgy first.


Getting Your Nonverbal Edge

Edge is best described in English phrases as "Devil may care" or "Don't give a fuck." These phrases are crude and can mean different things; it might me a charming, roguish guy with edge when one person says it, or a sloppy, careless man who simply lacks manners and behaves recklessly when someone else does.

For our purposes, think of a man with edge as a man who's "devil may care" and "doesn't give a fuck" in a very cool, enamoring, riveting way.

The nonverbal side of edge stems from a few feature expressions:

  1. Sharp, piercing, intense eye contact. No timidity here. You'll notice all three of the men cited above as example have this. And not only are their stares focused and intense, but their eyes are held open very wide. Not completely bugged out, mind you; but wide enough that you can clearly see them. The only exception is Mozart's first picture, in which his upper eyelids are lowered in a partial squint. And this is how you'll see men with edge: wide-eyed, or squinting.

    You won't see them with the blasé, ordinary relaxed eyes that most individuals employ, because they're intense individuals, and they're constantly running through things in their minds.

  2. Just a hint of a smile. It's almost imperceptible... as we've stated before on being charming and roguish and particularly when discussing sprezzatura, understatement takes the day. You'll notice in every one of those pictures above, with the exception of the third Picasso image, each man has a hint of a smile playing about his mouth. This makes him look impish... privy to some unknown detail... and as if he knows something you do not.

  3. The underlook. A little-discussed flirtatious head gesture named by Byron as the "underlook," you'll notice that in every image above (except perhaps Mozart's second image, which is borderline), the "underlook" is employed. The underlook is a tilting downward of one's head and chin while staring, wide-eyed and intensely, into the eyes of another. The underlook communicates intense focus, and is often employed by both sexy and edgy on-screen characters (James Bond, Dean Martin, etc.).

Of course, these three are just the nonverbal portion - and that's the easy stuff.

The real challenge in edginess is in the behavior.


Getting Your Behavioral Edge

Edgy men behave in edgy ways, and you won't be complete learning how to be edgy without learning how to behave edgy first.

The reason this is a lot more difficult to emulate than simple facial gestures and head tilts is that edgy behavior stems from edgy beliefs. In other words, you'll have a hard time getting this behavior down if you don't have the mentality that goes with it.

You probably have had moments of edge with women before, even if you aren't normally an edgy individual - for instance, say you're in a heated dance competition, and your primary objective isn't impressing your attractive female partner, but winning the competition; or, you're making a presentation at school or work at there's a beautiful girl you like present, but the focus you have isn't on her, it's on giving an amazing presentation.

how to be edgy

For a man with edge, that's his attitude all the time, even when he turns his intense stare onto a woman. His major concern is not her, and what she thinks about him, and how she feels about him... that's child's play. What he cares about is whether he can achieve what he wants with her, and if not, what he'll do next (meet a different girl, get back to work, etc.).

The good news is, simply by acting edgy with your nonverbals and as much behavioral traits as you can pull off, you go a way toward becoming edgy, and people begin to treat you edgy, and you begin to feel edgy... which often feeds back and alters your perception of the world, compelling you to take on more edgy views.

So, just as wearing a smile when you're feeling down can feed back into the mind and make you feel more up, so too can acting edgy and getting treated edgy feed back into the mind and make you more edgy.

In other words, don't start acting edgy unless you actually want to be a man with edge living on the edge. You've been warned...

Acting edgy comes down to the following behaviors:

  1. An air of superiority. Have you ever stood in a nightclub looking at some guy who looked, sounded, and acted like a complete douchebag, thinking to yourself what a total douchebag that guy was... and then watched as some beautiful girl slinked up to him, put her arms around him, and kissed him? What?

    It turns out that women, in fact, rate arrogant men as more attractive men. Why? Because arrogance often communicates a history of positive reinforcement from successes - it's very difficult to be arrogant following a history of failures. And a successful man is an adaptively superior one, providing better genes and likely more resources to better take care of children - he makes a better mate than a meek one.

    Arrogance around women also includes preselection - while men without much experience with women (or without much success) tend to let hesitancy and nervousness bleed through, a man who's acting confident and superior around her is telling her she's no big deal to him - which likely means other women have already voted "yes" on his candidacy.

  2. Focused intensity. When a man is driven - when he knows what he wants - it comes out through an intensity and strong opinions that women easily pick up on. That doesn't mean an edgy man steamrolls her with his opinions and intensity - though he might, and she may or may not like him more for it - but it does mean she'll see he's a man with deeply held beliefs.

    These kinds of beliefs and this kind of intensity is attractive to women because it signals a man who is a leader, not a follower. Most men follow rather than lead, and they can only adopt the beliefs of others and subscribe to them; not stand there at the brink shouting their beliefs into the void with total confidence they are right. And every woman wants to be with the leader, not one of the followers.

  3. Distracted, eccentric behavior. According to psychologist Ernest Becker, with the decline of religion, most individuals have made the seeking of a romantic partner the center point of their existence. Personally, based on the research into how relationship functioned in the past that I've done, I'd say that most individuals did this even when religion was extremely popular everywhere in the world.

    The consequence of this, of course, is that a lot of men have a tendency to place their lovers, girlfriends, and wives quickly on pedestals as the most important things in their lives, thus making mistakes around those women, doting on them far too much and making them feel more valuable than the man is, smothering those women with too many expectations and restrictions, and becoming controlling, jealous, and possessive.

    But not a truly edgy man.

    The edgy man, caught up in his campaigns, is at times swept up in emotion for his woman, but at other times he ignores her entirely, focused on his bigger, loftier ambitions. Most ordinary men recoil at the thought; "How could you ignore such an amazing creature?!" and most women spit venom at the suggestion: "I would never date so callous a man!"

    Yet, edgy men continue to date the world's most desired, desirable women, and be in turn incredibly desired by these women. Why? Variable rewards given at random intervals.

    Ever wonder why so many people play slot machines, even though they lose far more than they get? Or why people get so addicted to poker or blackjack, despite losing in the long run? Or why they play the lottery, even though the most they've ever won was $50 while they've spent thousands of dollars on it over the years? Randomly-timed variable rewards: the most addictive kinds of rewards there are.

    Guess what kind of man naturally provides these kinds of randomly-timed emotional rewards of random magnitude? Yep, you guessed it: distracted men caught up with their projects who intermittently remember their women and turn their attentions to them, before returning to their projects.

    Edgy men are addictive to women. This even holds true in pickups... waxing and waning interest and intensity can be very addictive even over a short amount of time. If you've been picking up women a while, you've probably already seen this - many of your faster pickups will be ones where you met a girl, talked to her briefly, got pulled away onto something else (e.g., another girl), then returned to that first girl again and picked her up very quickly after that. That temporary loss ratcheted up her emotions for you and caused her to suddenly feel addicted to you, even though the two of you had only just met.

  4. Not wasting time. A man who's not on a mission has all the time to waste in the world. This is the guy who spends eight months chasing after a girl, texting her, calling her, lol'ing at her status updates on Facebook, busting his chops to talk her into giving him a date, never realizing she's had two one-night stands and a five-month relationship in the meantime with men she met after him. He's not moving fast, and he usually doesn't succeed.

    How about an edgy man though... how much time does he have to waste on a woman? Answer: not much. For him, it's happening now - a whirlwind romance, a quick seduction - or it isn't happening at all. Sometimes you'll see an edgy man pursue a woman over time, but it's not the tentative, half-hearted pursuit of a man without purpose; it is the driven, impassioned pursuit of a man who knows what he wants and absolutely will convince her that the man she wants to be with is him. And if he can't get her, he very quickly moves on as soon as he decides it isn't happening.

  5. Intolerance for distraction. Did you know that the most stable marriages are the marriages where the woman is dominant over the husband?

    That's not the edgy man's lot, however. Edgy men are demanding, they're obsessed with whatever it is they're working on, and they have little tolerance for distraction, including the ordinary relationship drama that all women cause.

    How's a regular man respond to drama? At first, it's, "Oh no, what's wrong?" Next, it's, "Okay, whatever you want!" He responds by capitulating, because he has no higher purpose than satisfying his partner.

    How's an edgy man respond to drama? At first, it's, "Hey, look calm down." If that doesn't work, it's, "You know what? There's the door - feel free to leave any time."
    He responds by escalating, because he wants the drama to end so he can get back to what's important, and whether it ends by the women calming down or the woman leaving, either is acceptable - the woman is less important than the other things he's got going on.

That's why I say learning how to be edgy is an uphill battle if you don't already have some great talent or strong mission or purpose you're bound to and believe in more than any woman you meet. This might sound like general life advice, but it's not; it's seduction advice.

Wealthy, successful men don't actually do well with women BECAUSE they have big bank accounts. Yes, women like having money to spend on designer purses, but it isn't the main draw of these men. The main draw of an accomplished man is the AIR of accomplishment about him - it's the edge it gives him. The killer instinct. It's the confidence of knowing that he doesn't need anybody else, because the most important things to him are whatever they are, and individual people in his life are great, but they're of secondary importance.

That's the game. That's the other side of the coin we were talking about in "10 Ways to Have a Girl Take You Seriously" - when you've got real edge, based on real underlying beliefs, you will treat women as "silly and cute" automatically... because that's what they will be.

And for this, they will find you completely, irresistibly enchanting... you will be that edgy man they simply have to have. They won't know why; they won't be able to say quite what it is... all they'll know is, you affect them in ways that are exactly the opposite of how most regular men affect them - and they can't get enough of it.

Yours,
Chase Amante

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Comments

Anonymous's picture

Edge

Chase Amante's picture

Arnold

Author

Hi Anon,

That he certainly does. I put the image linked to above on the right so readers can see it more easily.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's a fascinating character study - very driven, motivated, accomplished guy from a very young age. Buckets of edge, because he's got buckets of purpose and an unwavering, fixed gaze on reaching that purpose.

He's a great model to emulate in many respects.

Chase

Thinkingengima's picture

Effective Time Prioritization


Hi Chase,
First of all, I just want to say that I love your site. It is, in my opinion, one of the best self improvement sites out there. In the last two years, I have gone from being a socially stunted homeschooler (not that homeschoolers are universally that way. I just didn't care to get to know people until senior year of high school) with a terrible sense of fashion who hardly knew how to talk to girls, to a fashion savvy college student with a wide circle of friends, and above average conversation skills (your site helped quite a bit with that). I have learned quite a bit just from reading your stuff and applying it though I'm still working on the getting a girlfriend part (but I'm well on my way). However, these last couple posts have raised a question for me.

You mention that one of the best ways to gain an "Edge" is to fully invest yourself into a cause. However, as a 20 year old college student, I am being pulled in so many different directions. My passion is for media creation (Film, Music, Graphic Art, etc.) and for learning and critical thinking in general. I go to college full time (keeping a 3.5 avg), work two jobs (plus some freelance work on the side), participate in SGA, am working towards a black belt in Judo and Aikido, and I am one of the editors for our campus newspaper, all while networking and maintaining a fairly robust social life. Between all of these things, I find it difficult to significantly prioritize any one of them, and when I cut back (like when I dropped the debate team from that list), the other items just expand to fill the extra time. Do you have any advice for me when it comes to effectively dedicating myself to one of these without adversely affecting the others? I am not opposed to cutting one or more of my extracurricular activities (the martial arts are staying however). Essentially, I want to know if there are any effective ways to prioritize my time without giving up the opportunity for new and spontaneous experiences like those that often arise in college.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks
Tim

Chase Amante's picture

Picking a Focus

Author

Hey Tim,

Really pleased to hear the site and material's been of use in helping you transform your social abilities. Keeping working on it; the girlfriends will come (sounds like you're close already).

The tough thing about dedication is that you do have to make sacrifices. The young Arnold Schwarzenegger, of whom the above commenter linked an image, was the perfect example of this: from the time he was 16 or 17 he had a plan - build an amazing body, go to America and win some bodybuilding competitions, get into the movies and get known and get wealthy there, run for politics, and eventually become U.S. president. He knocked every one of those out of the park except for becoming president because of the natural-born citizenship clause in U.S. presidential candidacy requirements. But to get there, he had to work out 3 or 4 hours a day, and put most of his focus and energy into that. He could not have participated in a diverse spread of activities, and still become so successful - it would've taken too much time from his primary focus and he never would have built the body he built to get him going.

And that's the trade-off: doing lots of different things makes you a more well-rounded person; it exposes you to lots of different people and builds up your ability to meet and connect with anyone; it teaches you a variety of skills and abilities. But because your time is stretched in a variety of different directions, you never reach the peak in any one of them that you could if that one thing received the full devotion of all of your resources.

Society trains kids these days to be "well-rounded" rather than to be one-trick ponies because the workforce needs well-rounded people - being well-rounded is a safer bet. One-trick ponies are riskier bets; they're much more likely to be colossal successes (like Arnold) but also much more likely to be colossal failures (like any number of other bodybuilders who never won any competitions or became anything more than personal trainers or security guards or bouncers despite their hard work and grand dreams).

Your choice comes down to what you want for yourself, and what you want to achieve. If you want to be a well-balanced person with more abilities and more reference points with more different kinds of people than most, you should maximize your exposure to new experiences and activities. If you want to be a runaway success, you should pick something that both interests you and that you know can be monetized and turned into a career once you're good, and plow the majority of your time into it (with some time reserved for fun / exciting things that don't require much focus or dedication in your off-time).

The second path is pretty extreme, it's pretty risky, and it isn't really suited to most personalities. For most people, having broad experiences and broad friendships is I think preferable to the extremity of the most driven individuals.

Chase

Zac's picture

I feel that you will feel


I feel that you will feel most girls start take notice of you when you start adopting having an edge.

i believe children notice this too. Everyone is somewhat naturally inclined to be attracted to those who have their own world, and include others in theirs once in awhile.

Chase Amante's picture

Noticing Edge

Author

Hi Zac,

Yes, absolutely. People take note of those with edge... they're riveting, compelling individuals, and others tend to be naturally drawn to them - although they can also be repulsed, if they don't mix some charm and class in with their edge.

You might think of edge as a likability amplifier - if you have a personality people find attractive, add some edge and now it's really attractive. A guy with an unattractive personality who mixes in edge now becomes really unattractive... so it's important to get the other pieces lined up along with edge, too.

Chase

Walls's picture

blasè?


So is being blasè unattractive? I always thought the relaxed look made you seem more in-control, distracted, or putting others at-ease (although not creating tension.)

Chase Amante's picture

Re: blasè

Author

Hey Walls,

Blasè's good when used in the right situations (e.g., the bored look), yes. Probably an unclear choice of words here; my intention was "unengaged, uninterested" as opposed to "dulled by exposure and success," which is a subtle but important difference, and the word "blasè" can be used to mean either.

The "dulled by exposure and success" look you will see in charismatic men with edge. The one I intended to warn off of was walking around with the glassy-eyed unengaged zombie-stare of the ordinary man going about his day; the edgy man is usually focused, even if there's not much going on (because even then, he's focused internally on figuring out and deconstructing whatever things he's working on).

What I'm essentially going for is the external communication of your internal world. The sign on the outside should read, "Hard at work," rather than, "Out for lunch," like most people's does most of the time.

Chase

Nathan's picture

Immaculate Breakdown of Edge


Hey Chase,

Beautiful post once again. As I read it, I was nodding my head thinking "Yes!" the whole time. Women love the "devil may care" attitude, the man with unwavering belief in himself and his convictions... It is THE aspect of my personality that women can't resist. Combine edge with sexiness and a bit of charm and you've got the essential combination needed to seduce nearly any woman.

That said, I'm still trying to find myself and am not completely sure where I'm going. I was laid off from a pretty decent job, and have been unemployed for 4 months. I realize that I am not the type of person who will be happy sitting in a cubicle, so I am not pursuing most of the jobs I qualify for. I have backup options that can help me pay bills, but it's rough being a slave to shit jobs.

Chase, I know you've mentioned being unemployed for a time. You also have mentioned that it didn't affect your success with girls. I find that I can still quickly generate attraction, but the financial strain is causing me a tinge of insecurity and I can barely afford to leave my apartment, making it more difficult to meet girls and date at the moment. I would like to see a post on your experience in finding your "calling" and some of the rough patches you have gone through financially, how you overcame them, and how you stayed positive in times of uncertainty. I'm 26, driven, and would rather crash and burn than succumb to the slavery that is the 9-5 office grind.

Keep up the good work man!

Chase Amante's picture

Unemployment and Calling

Author

Hey Nathan,

Sounds like you have a natural edge - e.g., a certain feeling that you are intended for greater things... you just haven't figured out what they are yet. Although it also sounds like unemployment has shaken that edge a bit.

For me, yes, unemployment didn't hurt - actually, it helped. Before, I had a great job, likable personality, decent apartment, and a really nice car... which meant that as soon as women knew about that stuff, sex wasn't happening (they wanted relationships, and would start playing very coy). As soon as I was unemployed though, I could be the charmer who didn't have a job - instantly not boyfriend material, and probably not a very good influence to have around as a friend, either. There's really only one potential role left for the guy who's jobless... Makes things a lot simpler to learn and refine and hone and get right. I still tell women I haven't had a job in years most of the time.

It's a little off the topic of the site, but I think I can do a post on finding a calling and weathering uncertainty, sure. Keep your eyes peeled for it over the next week or so.

Best,
Chase

J.B's picture

I loved this post it spoked


I loved this post it spoked of so many truths in my life. I understand being driven or the mentality of completing your objective fairly well. Throughout life it has been my only purpose, whether it was to be complete school, honing my writing skills or work on perfecting my words and expression. I dedicated my efforts into "the objective" or "the goal". Nothing was to stand in my way until it was complete, the only downside for me was that women and relationships took importance towards the bottom of the list and i failed to focus on perfecting my game to my high standards (lost many opportunities). But yeah i noticed women being drawn towards me more faster than other "nice" guys in high school and "forgot" about their b.f while trying to impress me. It didnt matter to me, nothing matter except completing my objective at the time but it came with a high price- no social circles, g.f's, no nights of fun or debauchery like my friends and even my father bragged to me about. Its a high price to pay to be that driven... but it does give you real "edge" over many others who pretend they have it but truly not.

Chase Amante's picture

Driven

Author

Hey J.B.,

Thanks for sharing that story, it's a great perspective on the costs and side effects of being driven.

You know, you do pay that price often for edge early in life, but I find it's more "dues paid upfront for buckets of rewards later." The regular guys get regular success with women early on while you're devoted to your purposes and ignoring women altogether, but later on when you're successful in a variety of areas and turn your attention now to women, with a little bit of a work suddenly you're getting supernormal results in that arena too while the regular guys are still getting regular results with regular chicks and wondering how you can be so "lucky."

Once you have the edge to excel and you've had practice doing so in other areas, getting good with girls isn't so intimidating an area - it's hard, but not impossible, like a lot of guys tend to think of it as being. Edge gives you... well, an edge, when it comes to learning this kind of thing, and an advantage that other men will struggle to match and ultimately never quite be able to.

Cheers,
Chase

Anonymous's picture

"Did you know that the most


"Did you know that the most stable marriages are the marriages where the woman is dominant over the husband?"

Chase I remember you saying the exact opposite in a much earlier article.

Chase Amante's picture

Marriage Stability

Author

Hey Anon,

Do you remember which article? There's been some recent research on this, which is what I was referring to here. If I said the opposite before, could've been I was talking about something else... or maybe I didn't know what I was talking about when I wrote it? Can't really say unless I know what context I said it in..

In any event, as a man, you'll certainly be a lot happier and more satisfied in a relationship where you're dominant, and so long as you treat her well, your woman will be, too. But according to the latest research, at least in today's cultural environment in the West, dominant man / submissive woman pairings don't have as long a shelf life as dominant woman / submissive man pairings, likely because women are more inclined to want to hang onto long term relationships, while men are more inclined to seek out new partners (on average; I realize especially among younger men lacking experience with women much yet there's an inclination to proclaim they want one girl forever, but once they have her these passions tend to fade with time and normal male instincts begin to take over, for good or ill or however you view it).

Normally, the dominant person in a relationship ultimately starts taking the submissive person for granted... it's simply the way things work out, unfortunately. According to the research, a submissive woman is more likely to break things off and go out in search of a new man when she's unhappy; a submissive man is more likely to just suck it up and grudgingly take his neglect, convinced he won't be able to replace his dominant female partner if he leaves.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey man, I can't remember


Hey man,

I can't remember exactly which article, but it was during the relationships series, and well yeah what you (or Ricardus) wrote was that basically, the best relationships/marriages were where the man WAS dominant but a lot of other things were included too that made the couple perfectly happy together, granted not all couples will be like this some people just get married because "that's the way it is" and not because they should. In my life I have seen plenty of marriages, old and new where they were or are perfectly together and you can just see that they have no ill feelings about each other or any regrets, that is the kind of marriage that I see as truly being correct

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Marriage Stability

Author

Hey Anon,

There's this article by Ricardus citing the study where marriages with dominant female partners endured longer:

Relationship Control and Female Domination

Or you might be thinking of this one from me where I mention you need to remain in the dominant position if you want to preserve attraction in any long-term relationship and prevent straying:

How to Prevent Cheating by Your Girlfriend

Couple of different perspectives on different aspects of relationship management there.

Your experience is also dead-on on healthy long-term relationships; your instincts would tell you this is the best way for long-term relationship maintenance, and I've seen a few studies on this too: the relationships that have the best survival odds are the ones that feature transparency and regular "air-clearing" of problems and dealing with problems. Most relationships lack this though because one or both partners will deny / refuse problems and stick his or her or their head(s) in the sand, and you can't change this in a partner.

There's a large but limited pool of individuals who are actually well-suited for long-term relationships, and if a stable and healthy long-term relationship is your goal you'd be well advised to select from this pool, rather than choosing anyone haphazardly without any thought to their qualities and compatibilities, as most do.

Cheers,
Chase

Flames's picture

Yep, this is me


Arrogance - I'm never wrong, not ever even if it's possible I've been wrong I was probably misinformed.

Focus - I hate to be disturbed even if I'm not doing anything, it's my time do not disturb it or 'your out', you know where the door is.

Random rewards - Ask me for something and I'll say no, give me a problem and I'll sort it out for you.

I was reading this and yep, hmm, yeah, that's me and realised I was pulling the same expression as Mr Tesla.

Ive always seen myself as a bit of a lone wolf, it usually takes me about 2 days to 'get over' the loss of a loved one.

Dont get me wrong though I'm not nasty or rude, or selfish but people usually frustrate me :)

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Yep, this is me

Author

Howdy Flames,

Yes, I get the bit on selfish people - they always seem a little too petty, and a little too short-sighted, don't they? Like, you're trying to build a machine that's going to provide the world with free corn forever, and they're trying to take parts of the machine away from you to build a rake for themselves so they can harvest their corn field 3% faster.

Eventually you just have to stop having these kinds of people around you if you want the freedom to simply excel.

Yours,
Chase

KING SINCERE ALLAH's picture

once again you guys are


once again you guys are scientists! i do recall one of your articles, Chase, where you touched upon edge. i thought to myself, i used to have this big time!!! women would go out of their way to get my attention. that was before i got married. since 2006, my separation from my family, i've been on a mission to be better with women. understand where i went wrong. the devil is in the details, & i can only except responsibility in what i did. plus i was the man, & as the head, i should have taken the full responsibility. your site has helped me cultivate, what has always been in me! fellas, if you take away anything from my post, believe this; taken care of your inner - fundamentals is the key. since i've developed my goals & purpose in life, my edge has grown considerably stronger. & i feel people taking notice. my purpose & goals, are way bigger than my own family. this is a purpose that's worth dying for. thanks again Chase!

M's picture

Time


Hey Chase, I'm a bit late on commenting here, but hoping to get a reply, anyway! My question is: how does truly edgy individual (e.g. Mozart) find time/motivation to make himself into a sexy man? If you're truly focused your work all of the time, would you really make time (or care) to work on your conversational skills, or your sexy vibe, or your voice quality? Would any of the three people in your article have consciously worked on these things? I think these things are very important (not just for getting girls), and I make time to work on them, but they sometimes seem to take away from my dedication to my real work, and subsequently from the "edge" I usually have.

Desmond 's picture

Arrogance


Im confused on your comment about arrogance/ being a douchebag. I know what you mean by that, i guess i just dont know how to emulate that behavior correctly and naturally. Haha this will sound funny but what is the mindset of a douchebag that allows him to act like an idiot, and people still like him and respect him? and the same with arrogance, for example many celebrities and other successful people are laid back and low key with high levels of social calibration, however they still can seem very dominant. Could you explain arrogance a bit more because I see it alot in dating, and sometimes i become naturally a douchebag when I'm around girls, i think we all do haha

Al's picture

Sup Chase, I feel an air of


Sup Chase,

I feel an air of superiority/ percieved sense of entitlement is lacking from my skill-set at the minute. I notice a lot of people who have this air of superiority aura seem to get a lot of attention whilst inevitably mastering the LOLE. Any further advice on practical acts that give you this vibe?

Hunt's picture

Arrogance


Can you elaborate on the "air of superiority" in this post? For me it is a bit confusing because I know alot of douchebags that get girls, but i also know a lot of douchebags that do NOT get girls. One type of arrogant person is attractive, while the rest are not. What makes this the case? How can some people be so cocky, while STILL having friends and girls?

Charles's picture

There is a second downside


Hi Chase,

this is a very late reply, I know. I hope you can still see it, and it doesn't end up archived away somewhere automatically instead.

I can see myself in your description. Since I was 8, I have had a intense interest for computer programming. I can spend my entire time with this, and can reach a very deep level of concentration, a very deep "flow". I keep having millions of ideas, and I follow these with ever-burning passion. Especially after successfully solving a very complicated problem I feel full of energy, confidence, and I am so deeply relaxed. This in turn causes my passion to grow further, so it is kind of self-sustatining. If I then talk to others, I can feel how I radiate confidence and a deep sense of fulfillment. Also, yes, things are constantly running in my mind. I also feel a need to accomplish something, to find a higher purpose where I can apply my talent. I don't just do programming at work, because it pays the bill; I also do it at home, because of a huge inner drive to do it.

Of course this has large benefits: you have a real basis for confidence; you feel fulfillment; you are rarely bored; if the passion can be applied in a job, it will make you really good in said job; you do not need much in your life, no big cars (I don't have a car, in fact, I don't even have a license); you do not spend time trying to find something that interests you, because you are completely know what you want and you like.

The big downside is that everything else tends to get sacrificed, as you said. But, as a consequence, a second downside manifests itself: "ordinary" things can easily pale in comparison to one's passion. I remember having to learn to enjoy attending a party or a concert after a string of successes. Initially, I was constantly thinking about leaving, because it all looked so mundane.

This unfortunately can affect dating and relationships. I remember dates where I was thinking to myself why the hell I was doing that. I tend to think of myself as "above" the petty concerns these girls have, and to look down on what they do, because it all looks so shallow and pointless. This is probably what you describe with not taking girls seriously. This is however a problem of mine: I quickly lose interest in them, and do not even want to consider a relationship. It feels as if I had to sacrifice my passion, ... for what? It does not seem to pay off.

So, even though several people have called me handsome, sexy, interesting, intriguing (also because I have very strong deep-dive and conversation skills), in the end, I probably come off as unattainable. And the thing is, I am not sure if I want to change that.
If it means giving up my passion, then the answer is no.

I would be interested in your take on this.

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