In the post on how to pick up girls in bars and clubs, Kb asks, regarding bringing women home or going to their homes:
“Cabbing works pretty well here, but it is not sustainable in my life right now. The night rates are astronomical and as a struggling college student who tries to go out and pull almost every night, I'd soon be living in the streets if I was cabbing every other night back.
So what I really need is a way to go back to HER place. I tried your "got any food at your place?" a few times and while it works with more socially attuned girls, most of the people my age(19) really aren't at that level and just see that as you trying to get free food.
I was wondering if you had any ways to suggest to her that you're going back to her place that while still subtle, will let a not so socially savvy girl know exactly what you are saying without coming out and saying it directly.”
That's a great point from him on one of the downsides of the "got any food" question, and a good question. How do you go to her place?
And how do you do it... smoothly?
This article's here to answer that.
There's an interesting interplay between give and take, and it's no more apparent than it is when you're looking to take that cute new girl you've just met (or the one you've been courting forever and finally got out on a date and now it's time to move things forward) back to your place or go to her place.
The general rule is this: more often than not, people are open to being given things, but closed to having things taken away.
This openness occurs at an emotional gut reaction. For instance, imagine you're sitting at a bar, and two girls walk up to you.
The first one says, "Can I buy you a drink?"
And the second one says, "Would you like to buy me a drink?"
If you're like most men, the first girl is going to give you a bit
of a warm and fuzzy feeling. "Ah!"
you think, "This seems like a great
girl. Clearly, she also has good taste!" You're probably going
to accept, but even if you reject, you'll be very nice about it and be
thinking about what a cool girl she is later.
Meanwhile, the second girl is going to put you on alert, make you feel cautious, and raise your skepticism alarms. She wants something from you. What else might she want? You're a lot more likely to say "no" to her than you are to the first, and in a colder, more dismissive way, and you're also a lot more likely to retain reservations even if you say "yes."
However, there is one benefit the girl acquires by putting you on the spot in example #2 and asking you to buy her the drink: once you accept, you're basically following her lead. She's in control, she's calling the shots, and while you're skeptical, you're also now feeling like you need to follow her.
In this way, putting someone on the spot and asking them for something serves as a double-edged sword: it greatly increases the chances they say "no," but it also increases your ability later on to translate that initial "yes" into further "yes"es in due time.
How Girls Feel About the Various
Kinds of Pull
When you're pulling women home, they tend to have various different reactions to the various kinds of pulls you may use. That's because they have various:
- Degrees of liking and trusting you
- Degrees of being open to sex in general
- Degrees of being open to sex with you
- Degrees of seeing you as someone giving or someone taking
Obviously, the more she likes you, trusts you, is open to sex, is open to sex with you, and sees you as someone bringing value to her life, the more likely she is to say "yes."
There is an exception - some women will "yes" more often to going home quickly with men they find attractive but see as value takers rather than value givers. For these particular women, that can be because if the man is doing everything else right AND he's a giver of value, she may think he's too good to risk quick intimacy on, and it's better to take things slowly and cautiously in hopes of getting a long-term relationship with him. Meanwhile, the value taker who's otherwise attractive isn't a relationship candidate, and if she finds him sexy she may just decide, "Screw it, let's just do this and then I never see him again."
(Usually you'll want to keep things on the side of value giver. However, if you become a very sexy and very attractive man, making yourself appear like a value taker can be an interesting angle to experiment with - you'll get some markedly different results with women, and not necessarily always bad, especially if you struggle with getting classed as a boyfriend candidate too easily)
Assuming a girl likes you, trusts you, is somewhat open to sex, and is somewhat open to sex with you (but hasn't yet made up her mind whether she wants this or not), and you haven't kissed her or told her you want her or done anything else knuckleheaded like that to pull the rug out from under yourself, here's how she'll normally react to the different ways you can invite her home to your place, or invite yourself over to go to her place:
Blunt: "Let's get out of here," or, "Let's go to my place." This one works best with women who've already logically decided they're going to sleep with you; in other words, a very small minority of the women you will ever meet or date (and vanishingly few under the age of 35). For the remainder, it produces either:
Immediate panic, trying to determine the implications of what's about to happen, or
Momentary excitement at what is to come, swiftly followed by immediate panic, trying to determine the implications of what's about to happen.
For that reason, I advise you to skip inviting girls home bluntly
and instead go about it a tad more eloquently.
Casual: "I don't know what else you've got going on today, but what say we go watch a movie?" This one's a favorite of mine for daytime dates (e.g., weekend lunches). It's very low pressure, and it shows you're considering her schedule and not simply trying to steamroll her or push her into going with you. This invitation gets you some of the highest percentages of "yes"es you'll get, because the girl's feeling is typically, "Do I like spending time with him, and do I want to spend more time with him?" and if the answer is "yes," you'll usually get a "yes." Thus, the question of sex doesn't even enter into the equation, and you can tackle that one later when you're alone together in an environment more conducive to intimacy.
Invitational: "Want to go to an after party?" "Why don't we go grab a nightcap and call it a night?" This is another high percentage one, because you're offering value, and when that's coming from a calm, smooth, sexy man, a large portion of women will leap at the chance to accept a value offering from a guy like that. Like the casual invite, this one is largely platonic; there are some hints of sex in it, but that only serves to make her more curious.
Forcing a Decision: "I'm away half the time on travel, and I'm terrible with the phone. I don't do dates... I just don't have time. If we part ways now, we're not going to meet again. But if you like me, and I like you, we can keep spending time together right now, and maybe tomorrow will never come. Do you like me? Would you like to keep spending time with me? Would you like to come with me? Then let's go." This one is one you'll use when you're getting a "no, but let's meet later / no, but here's my phone number." If you haven't had the pleasure of running into these much yet, this is a polite refusal, and you will almost never see the girl again. So there's typically no harm in refusing this refusal, and proposing that the girl come with you if she really likes you because it's her only chance. If she does like you, she may relent and say "yes." If she doesn't, she'll still say "no," and that's that.
Asking to Go to Her Place: I'll cover ways of doing this below, but I want to note two things about it:
It always combines with one of the pulls above, and
It gives girls an added pressure of wondering, "Should I allow this guy back to my home?"
Many women are uncomfortable bringing men back to their places
(because of fear of stalkers, or fear of social repercussions), which
is why you'll get that last one. However, if you've done a good job of making her
feel comfortable with you and/or excited about you, this isn't
an insurmountable hurdle.
Those are your options for inviting a girl somewhere alone with you.
There's another option, for getting girls somewhere you can take them to bed without a bed, of course: simply take their hands and lead them somewhere (a bathroom, a closet, a bench or alleyway or staircase outside).
Most of the time though, you'll be inviting - either her to come to your place, or yourself to go to her place.
Let's look at how you pull off that latter.
Let's say going back to your place isn't a viable option. Whether that's because your place is too far away, or you've got roommates, you're traveling and you don't even have a place, or you're young and "your place" really means "your parents' place;" it's all the same - you don't want to, or even can't, bring her back to yours.
How do you go to her place instead?
As it were, you've got a couple of options, and each of them falls in one of the first four categories we covered above under standard types of pulls.
But there's one thing you must do BEFORE you propose any of these.
Before You Ask to Go to Her
... you must set the logistics up to do this!
Casually ask her, "What part of town do you live in?"
Once she answers then say, "Cool. You got roommates?"
Then, move on in the conversation. You'll come back to use this information later.
Go to Her Place with a Blunt Pull
When you're ready to pull, if you want to try blunt, you can use one of these:
Got any food at your place?
How about we just head to your place and chill?
You can often preface this with, "Your place is a lot closer than mine," thus assuming the sale that the two of you are going to leave together (e.g., the implication is, you wouldn't say this unless it was already decided that the two of you are definitely leaving together).
That'd look like this:
You: How about we get out of here... your place is a lot closer than mine. How about we just head to your place and chill and unwind from the night's activities? We can hang and talk a bit more.
Yes, you are imposing a bit. Any time you're asking to go to her place, you're going to be imposing. But it's okay - if she likes you, she'll say "yes," assuming you're smooth and natural enough about things.
Go to Her Place with a Casual Pull
A casual pull combined with going back to her place will look like one of these:
I don't know what you've got going on the rest of today, but what say we head to your pad and kick back a while longer?
I don't know if you're super busy today or what, but why don't we go to your place and throw on a movie and hang?
Again, you can preface this with, "Your place is a lot closer than mine," or, "Your place is going to be a lot less crowded than mine."
The full pull looks like this:
You: I don't know what the rest of your schedule's like, but if we're having fun and you're not totally booked, what say we head to yours to hang some more and throw on a flick? We can probably chat more easily there than at mine with a bunch of wild roommates running around going ape.
Go to Her Place with an Invitational Pull
An invitational pull is a little harder to do, because you've got to offer some sort of value and you don't really know what she has at her place - if you propose doing something she doesn't have (e.g., a nightcap when she doesn't have alcohol at home), she may reject the notion even if she likes you because she realizes she doesn't have the thing you're asking to do and thus writes the idea off as unfeasible.
There's nothing worse than losing a girl because of something as silly as proposing something she can't do when a different proposal would've worked just fine.
So, often with invitational, it's better to propose grabbing something at a store or restaurant nearby, and taking it back to her place.
Let's grab a nightcap and call it a night. I'll buy the alcohol, there's a little shop nearby. We can kick back for a few minutes at your place; yours is closer.
What say we get a few slices of pizza to go? We can pick them up next door and take them to your place since yours is quieter so we can eat and talk in peace.
I incorporated the rationale for why you want to go to her place (and not yours) in the two examples above, so I won't restate. Those two are both fine as-is.
Go to Her Place by Forcing a Decision
You'll almost never use this one, simply because it's such an odd combination of things you won't usually do, unless you're in an unusual circumstance (e.g., you're traveling without a hotel room, and don't have the money to spring for a hotel or you're challenging yourself not to sleep alone that night and won't allow yourself to get a room in a hotel).
These look like this (assume you've already tried another pull and she's resisted or said "no" or offered you her number or a date later instead):
Well, I'm traveling. I'm not here very long, and I'm doing a million things while I'm in town. So this is really our one chance to keep spending time together. If you like me and I like you, we should do it. I don't bite. I'm not going to start a wild rave at your pad and invite half the city over or anything. I just like you, I want to hang with you, and I like talking with you. Do you want to keep spending time with me? [she responds] Okay good; let's go. [take her hand and lead] Where are we going? [let her point the way; then, you lead]
I work 80 hours a week and I don't do dates. The only way I meet someone new is if we hit it off and we decide we really dig each other and we want to spend our time together. If we don't want to do that it doesn't work, we part ways, and we never see each other again. But if we do want to do that, then why wouldn't we just keep hanging out? I'd like to keep hanging out with you. I think you're a cool girl, you're a lot of fun, and I really like talking to you. Do you like me? Can we keep hanging out? [let her respond] Wonderful! Yay! Then let's get going; the night awaits us. You lead the way.
Not everyone is going to want to use this style - it's ballsy, direct, and it has a high percentage chance of getting you shot down then and there. But when it works - and it does work, at least some of the time - you've essentially taken a girl you were probably never going to see again, and very likely just turned her into a girl you're about to make love to.
Go to Her Place Using a Barrier
There's one other way of doing this, too, that we didn't mention above; that's using a barrier.
We discussed barriers in greater detail in the article on being a challenge to women; a barrier is something you use to get a woman contributing and communicate to her what she needs to do, figure out, or propose if she wants to move things forward.
A barrier with going back to her place looks like this:
You know, I'd really like to go somewhere that the two of us can chill without all this extra noise and all these people, but my place is super far away.
Normally I'd invite you to my place for a nightcap so we can spend more time together and talk more, but my roommates are partying there tonight and we won't have any privacy.
There are two issues with using barriers here:
If the girl isn't all that interested, she'll simply say, "Yeah, that's too bad"
If the girl is REALLY not very socially attuned, she may miss the hint entirely (but you can always suggest, "Hey, what about YOUR place?" - only if she's really clueless, though)
This one's kind of obvious what you're doing, and some girls may even tease you over it or laugh about it. Some girls think it's cute though, and find it more fun and more respectful than other, more imposing, ways of getting back to theirs
You'll find that normally, this works best with a girl who really
likes you, and whom you either have a playful dynamic with already (so
she continues to play along), or she's a little inexperienced and won't
roll her eyes and go, "Oh God, that's SO obvious what he's trying to
do. Couldn't he have been a little more subtle or a little more direct?"
You're always going to be imposing somewhat when you're inviting yourself back to a girl's place. It goes with the territory, and you'll simply need to get more comfortable with imposing on people.
Is it wrong to impose on people? Some people would prefer to never impose on others, and never have others impose on them. But certain situations in life simply don't get satisfactorily resolved without someone being a little imposing... sometimes there just isn't a better solution. The best thing you can do in these situations is to couch an imposition in enough explanation that she understands why you're imposing, and then go on to give her great emotions and a fantastic experience to say thank you for putting a little faith in me.
This is one of those things that's going to be outside the ordinary for most folks, and you'll just have to break past the wall that's standing between what you do now and what you're doing if you're doing this if you want to learn how to use these techniques.
You don't have to; there are plenty of other ways to get a girl alone besides inviting yourself over to her place.
However, this is just another tool to add to your toolbox. And if you'd like to have the flexibility of being able to go to girls' places, instead of simply bringing them to yours or taking advantage of impromptu logistics (a bathroom, the backseat of your car, etc.), this one may be well worth learning and getting down.
Read next: “Going to Her Place: Tools to Get You More “Yes”es”