How to Not Fall in Love (Too Soon)

how to not fall in loveNote from Chase: we've had a lot of requests on the site recently asking for more information on relationships - and we realize that's a gap here. Only a handful of the posts on the blog deal with relationships, and none of the programs on offer here do. So, we're working on correcting that - I'm writing a relationship book that I'm quite confident is going to blow most guys' relationship thinking out of the water, and in the meantime we're trying to get more posts up on about the topic.

Ricardus has just sent me a batch of perhaps 7 posts dealing explicitly with relationships, and over the next few weeks I'll be getting those up on here. This is the first one of those posts, on "how to not fall in love" (at least, not too soon)... enjoy.

Tell me if you can relate to this…

You’ve met a girl that is somehow pulling all the right strings with you (…and if not, this article will teach you how to find, meet, get and keep her). You don’t know what it is with her (or maybe you DO), but she’s got your heart atwitter and your mind in a knot just thinking about her.

Your hard work has paid off… and you’ve hooked up with a girl who’s EXACTLY your type… both in terms of looks and personality.

Things couldn’t be much better… except, all the confidence and inner strength you had worked so hard to cultivate over the years are suddenly RIGHT out the window.

Maybe you’re even in a place where you know you could go out and pick up other girls if you wanted to, so it’s not an issue of scarcity (e.g., your girlfriend being hard to replace)… maybe you’ve had a lot of one-night stands, friends-with-benefits or open relationships before.

And in those situations, you’ve always been cool… coolio like Fonzie.

But around your new girl-friend, you’re suddenly weak at the knees… ESPECIALLY when something happens that gives you room for doubt… doubt whether she’s really as much into you as you are into her.

What causes this, and what can you DO about it?

Ah, Love: Old Insecurities, Creeping to the Surface…

As we’ve discussed in the article on relationship control, the feeling of being infatuated or even in love with someone is biochemically linked to the feeling of being out of control.

The very reason why people fall in love with each other is that they don’t initially know where they stand with the person they’re with.

Once you show her that she OWNS you… that’s it.

She’ll lose the thrill of the chase, and start to “fall out of love”…

And this goes both ways.

Maybe you already know about that, and maybe you’re always extra careful not to show her how much you like her… and especially, not to show her your fear that you might like her more than she likes you.

You don’t just need to know how to avoid acting like you’re head-over-heels in love… you need to know how not to fall in love in the first place… at least, not fall in love too much.

But this behavior is just another level of the same problem… it stems from the same basic, underlying insecurity.

how to not fall in love

Don’t Check Your Phone Now!

You KNOW you’re in trouble if you’re constantly checking your phone to see if she’s messaged you.

You know exactly what I’m talking about if you’ve been there…

And if you have, the simple solution is to CHILL OUT.

Don’t let it get to you if she isn’t texting you all the time… keep in mind, girls play THE GAME too.

They read all about how to manipulate a guy’s feelings in Cosmopolitan and a few dozen other magazines… they learn it from the soap operas they watch on TV and from the romance novels they read while you’re watching porn…

Chances are she’s checking her phone just as obsessively as you are.

In any case… CHILL!

I can assure you that this problem passes with experience and with the right mindset… years ago I would sometimes check my phone every half hour when I had a crush on a girl.

It’s not something that can’t be overcome… now, if anything, girls ask ME why *I* haven’t texted back.

Let me show you the light.

How to Not Fall in Love: Abundance Mentality

So where did that abundance mindset go that you spent so much time and effort cultivating?

How come there are all these girls around, but this ONE, for some reason, has suddenly become so important that your abundance has morphed into suffocating scarcity over night? Why is it you can’t stop thinking about her - what’s so special about her?

It is because women who trigger these kinds of feelings in you really ARE scarce… make no mistake about it.

Maybe the thought will even creep into your head that “you will never find a girl like her again.”

Well pal, I have good news and bad news… which one do you want first?


The bad news is that you’re absolutely right. She really IS a unique little snow flake, there are NO other girls like her anywhere and you will NEVER find a girl just like her again.


Now, for the good news…

Have you ever seen that poster on that says: “Always remember… you’re special. Just like everybody else.”

how to not fall in love

That REALLY is the truth.

While there are no other girls out there that are exactly like her, there ARE three billion women out there that are unique in their OWN ways…

Every girl is so intriguing and fascinating in her own way that I can’t imagine NOT having broken up with (a.k.a. “lost”) my first girlfriend. Christ, I can’t fathom what I would have missed out on over the years…

So keep that in mind, and also do keep your options open a bit.

Talk to girls where you see them… you don’t need to cheat on your new girlfriend, but you KNOW she’s getting approached by guys, so it’s only fair that you should have a flirt with a girl here and there as well.

The root cause of neediness is ALWAYS a lack of (perceived) options. And if you want to not fall in love and lose your edge with that amazing new girl, you need to keep those options open.

Friends Don’t Let Friends… Text Infatuated

Did you know that being “in love” has been likened to a psychosis by scientists?

Biochemically, it is a very similar process… and in many ways, you are pretty much on drugs when you have a crush on someone.

See the Los Angeles Times’ in-depth piece on "Brains in Love" for a sound tour-de-force of the science behind this.

One might say you are unfit to plead in a court of law… and definitely unfit to make any important decisions about your relationship (or even about your text messages) at this point.

Here’s a parachute, a life line, if you will, that you should make FREQUENT use of…

Are you freaking out? Checking your phone every thirty minutes and thinking about writing her again… because she hasn’t replied yet to the text you sent her TWO HOURS ago?

Sheesh… she’s probably busy at work, dude! Relax!

Call your wingman instead… your buddy you go out to meet girls with.

He has a clear head… he can think straight, and view things more objectively and from a distance. He’ll slap the idea of sending her another text out of you pretty quickly.

Watch this clip and let the lyrics sink in…

The Transition from Dating to Relationship

Whoa… the R word… out of Ricardus’s mouth? The guy who always talks about how to date multiple women?

I know, calm down… I haven’t always been the kind of guy who exclusively does non-exclusive deals…

In fact, I’ve been in several long and very fulfilling monogamous relationships before… and I know that can be one of the greatest things this life has to offer.

Being in love with a girl who’s also in love with you?

The greatest rush this side of Eden… while it lasts.

But, you need to set things up right… and you need to strike the right balance.

When you first get into a relationship with a girl you have a crush on, you need to know how to not fall in love - at least not before she’s in love with you too; you obviously can’t be a weak push-over who calls her five times a day and rolls over when she gives the command. She'll lose all respect for you - and all attraction as well.

On the other hand, however, a lot of the rules you’ve learned about dating go RIGHT out of the window as well… there does come a point when it’s time to drop the “game”, if you ever hope to establish a good, open communication line and trust with your girl.

In dating, a lot of this "tip toe" dance goes on, where one person slips forward a step and then the other person goes forward, and so forth.... It's part of the fun, and you both don't really let on to your attraction until the other person has really won you over.

Once you are in love though, the game changes and you need to start being more authentic… because everything else runs contrary to a great relationship.

Being Authentic

Most people are not 100% open with their hearts… but if you want to be in an exclusive relationship, the right confident kind of vulnerability can actually serve to make you MORE attractive – IF it is done right.

It is also the main thing you need to address in HER, as she will likely be afraid to wear her heart on her sleeve, too.

You see, here’s the thing…

Everything could be really simple, in theory…

Boy likes girl, girl likes boy.

When did it all get so complicated?

Well, the problem is that we’ve all been hurt in the past… and so most people act out of fear. Everybody has baggage from previous relationships, from their childhood or their relationships with their parents, and it overshadows and complicates the intimacy they COULD experience today if they were only able to truly let go of the past.

One girl I used to date put it this way:

“The first time one falls in love is always the best… because there are no scars yet, and no fear… so we allow ourselves to love fully, without reservations and without playing any games.”

The problem, however, is that this baggage lies in the subconscious… and therefore, below the level of our awareness.

But if you can get over your own past, and allow yourself to love fully and yet be completely OUTCOME INDEPENDENT, then you will be able create an intensity in the relationship that makes women just crazy for you.

DISCLAIMER: It is absolutely cruel to do this without loving intentions. Don’t do it with a girl that you aren't absolutely crazy about yourself… you can mess up years of her life and she will spend them pining for you. Don’t hurt a girl, and don’t lead women on.

There’s no need to hurt girls or lead them on about your intentions… if you only want a casual thing, she’ll probably be fine with it… so long as you’re honest about it.

So Just Push Her Away… Right?

how to not fall
in loveOne common piece of advice in the world of dating and seduction is to simply push a girl away from you, and she will want you even more for it.

One “guru” even went so far as to saying that other guys are like rubber… if you push your girl onto them, she will bounce right back at you.

And that is true... but only to a point.

I've seen it happen several times that a guy told his girlfriend – “Hey, if you want to leave me for another guy, just go for it.”

He probably thought it made him look really secure in himself and like he didn’t need her… but this is not how not to fall in love. It’s a fool’s gambit played by a man who’s trying to appear in control when he knows he isn’t. In all cases where I’ve seen that happen - where the guy told the girl, “Hey, if you want to leave me for,” the girl took the green light and went ahead and cheated on the guy with somebody else eventually (me).

It is essential to strike a balance... neither too needy, nor too indifferent.

Or, in the words of David Shade:

“A good man is exciting without being reckless… considerate without being boring… macho without being uninteresting… intelligent without being bland… and dominant without being demanding.”

If that sounds like nothing more than an empty cliché to you, use these words on a woman some time… I once sent this exact line to a female friend of mine over instant messenger, and she was about ready to hop on a plane to come see me afterwards.

Even a year later she still brought it up to me… because, as she said, “your words were strong.”

Never underestimate the power of words… and never underestimate the attractiveness of a man who unites both sides of the yin and yang in his personality!

Onward and upward,


UPDATE: read the next article in the relationship series right here: How to Stop Playing Games (in Your Relationship).

Ricardus DominoAbout the Author: Ricardus Domino

Ricardus was one of the most prolific and respected coaches in the men’s dating advice industry. He’s dated some of the planet’s most beautiful women, ranging from a Miss World contestant, to a model for Coca-Cola, to one of “Brazil’s Next Top Models.” His specialty is daytime street stops. He is most remembered for his “Are you single?” opening line. Ricardus is currently retired from the dating advice industry.

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Franco's picture

Hey Ricardus, I like the article; and I especially like the transition you and Chase are making to focus some of your next blogs on relationships as there seems to be plenty more to talk about on this topic. I'm extremely eager to get a copy of Chase's new book.

That being said, there are a couple things I think you could touch on in this article that would be helpful.

1) Being authentic. You mention that at some point, you should begin to be authentic, but that could mean a lot of different things. It could be your words, it could be your body language, it could be the point where you first buy her dinner or a gift... it would help to provide a few specific examples of times you were "authentic" and what you did to show that you were.

2) You mention the transition from dating to relationship. With a girl that you are falling in love and want to become exclusive with, when/what/where is that point (or that indication) for you? And how do you make that transition? Chase mentions that he just "lets it happen" in one of his articles -- are you both insinuating that you should just wait until she asks you if you two are exclusive... or even wait until she gives you the ultimatum?

Again, great article! I hope to hear more from the both of you.

Arun's picture

Hey Ricardus and Chase,

I'm relatively new to the site, I've been reading for a few weeks and I have immersed myself in the great content you guys offer. I've read and re-read articles, and have actually been actively trying to change my approach to life since I first started reading. I've also delved into your book, and have read about a third of it within one sitting. Really great stuff.

I really like how you guys write, the tone is very friendly and conversational. I also see that you guys go out of your way to help people out with their problems by giving them advice. I think that's really cool, and I'm hoping that you'd be willing to give me some advice with my ordeal as well.

A brief tidbit before I begin:
I'm in my early 20's and a university student in college. Thus, most of the girls I'm approaching are other university students around the same age as me. This particular girl I'm going to talk about happens to be one of my classmates in a class that is not required for my major (and thus it will be unlikely that I see her after this semester unless I interact with her outside of class). I'm not sure what is and is not relevant information, so I'm going to input some minor details here and there.

So taking your lessons to heart, I go out on a limb and talk to this girl. Let's call her Jess. Being a classmate, I spend more time with Jess (than you suggest) before actually going on a date with her, partially due to convenience (our schedules align quite well). I set everything up well - I relate to her, she becomes really into me (as observed by myself and others), and my perceived value & attainability are spot on. So I ask her to hang out at my house, which she agrees to. I talk/flirt with Jess leading up to the date, and all seems to go well. Then date night hits, and it actually goes quite awesome. By the end of the night I took her to bed, and she ended up sleeping over at my house.

So here's actually where the trouble begins.

Having read your posts on abundance, I realize that no matter how amazing this girl may seem, I know that I will meet girls that are just as amazing as her (even if they are not exactly the same). Yet I found myself spending more time with Jess. I've meet her roommate (who is married, and a really cool girl so I figure she's safe to interact with) and a couple of her friends. Last week, I think I spent a significant portion of almost each day with Jess (and none of it has been sleeping together). To top it off, she held a small party at her house (I was relatively familiar with everyone who attended), and by the end of the night I got a bad vibe that she was starting to become uninterested in me.

So are my problems:
I'm not sure if I want to be in a relationship with her. I realize that's an obvious problem, but my dilemma is that I feel that she is a genuinely awesome person and I definitely want to keep interacting with her in the future. However, she got out of a pretty poor relationship a couple months ago and I don't really wanna be a rebound guy, and I also want to devote myself to improving my social skills (which is why I'm reading!). Obviously that's something I'm going to have to figure out on my own. With that being said, I definitely want to sleep with her again.

Assuming that I want to, at the very least, sleep with her again (or even enter into an actual relationship with her), I'm in need of some advice of what to do. I've made a list of problems and what I'm trying to do to fix them, and I'd appreciate some input on that and maybe some advice on the whole situation (should I just move on? etc.)

1. I've lowered my attainability - by spending so much time with her, and maybe even seeming eager to do so, she may now be perceiving me as "too easy"
2. I fear I've communicated that I've passed a commitment point - spending way too much time with her.
3. I've stopped getting her to invest in me - instead, I feel like I've been investing in her.
4. I'm falling/have fallen for this girl. I took a stop back and thought about it, and I can honestly say that I've developed some deeper level of feelings for her - I'm aware of the abundance mentality, I know not to check my phone for her messages, and yet I still think about her.

I've outlined a sort of game plan as follows:
1. Implementing the "one to three" rule (communicate with her once for every three times she communicates with you). Unfortunately, she hasn't talked to me once in the past couple days so this one hasn't been going too well.
2. CHILL. I'm trying my best to chill out, relax, and focus on other things (school work, close friends, etc.)
3. Raise my attainability - I'm not going to make time for her, unless it ends up in bed.

I'd love to hear your input on my situation. I definitely want to completely fall for this girl, because I realize that mindset is pretty self destructive. Should I be actively trying to take other women home in the meantime? Are there any other things I should be doing in order to fix the dynamic between Jess and I?

I appreciate all you've guys have done, and will truly appreciate it if you guys could help me out here!


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Antonymous's picture

There is a conflict here, i agree with almost all of the article in general, but i don't wanna be dominating, i couldn't fall in love or respect (and to some degree even be attracted) to a girl who really likes to be dominated, I don't wanna win on her. Plus she shold appreciate my personality, what I fight for and have something she fights for too, in some way.
I probably just need to be confident in what I am and in what i do, path of which I am only at the beginning.
Though it's something i hate from both sexes, and I personally don't share (as they don't fully understand this concept in their materialism) this, it's true that if a boy or a girl appears to easy to win or take over, the girl and boy in object tend to depreciate them and lose interest in them, as there is no more challenge. What i hate about men is that however they don't like a woman to be easy, they get laid with her while not having respect of her. Women might be apparently more cruel and unforgiving, in that they turn down the men they have no respect for, in general, but that's more honest, at least they don't pull a pathetic hypocritical costume moralism about this supposed easyness, and vulnerability.
I know, and in part agree we must offer a challenge, to some degree, though the general idea is that the challenging sex is the woman, I don't fully agree, as time are changing (but not yet changed, it's a strange transition), before it was only up to the men to make the first step, and offering the challenge while at the same time appearing as they were playing the woman's game to finally win her, the challenge was hinting subtly at the idea the he's the prize to be won while doing this. Old and some new movies portrayed this often as a man tenaciosly and annoyingly insists besides the pretentios refuses of the woman, giving the dangerous sexist notion that women don't mean what they say and they just want to test you, while the testing part being true, it rarely works exactly this way.
Now the point is more about getting the woman curiousity and "manage" it, to become a full love. But this interest is still sometimes very well hidden, sadly, and it's still not an established use, for a girl, to start talking to a boy they are interested to, as probably in the current language it would be like showing too much interest, thing not necessarily true, curiousity, being intrigued, starting to talk, be it from a girl or from a boy, it's not a love, it's just that, curiousity to see if he/she does for you and is a good candidate.

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