What to Look For in a Girlfriend | Girls Chase

What to Look For in a Girlfriend

There's a question that I think not enough men ask themselves, and they end up being the worse for it: that is, what to look for in a girlfriend.

I have a habit of being very selective about the people I have around me. The old adage that "you are the average of your five closest friends" is one I put a lot of salt in. Where does this "averaging effect" come from, and how does it play out in real life?

what to look for in a girlfriend

The simplest way of putting it is that successful people believe successful things, and unsuccessful people believe unsuccessful things. Now, that's a very boiled down way of putting it, for you could have a guy who owns a large stake in a Fortune 500 company that's worth billions and think of him as successful, but a guy who owns six gas stations that bring him in $20,000 a month you might also think of as successful, to a different degree.

On a more personal level, you may have a friend who's dead broke, but strongly believes that buying condominiums is the road to riches. No matter how much you point out to that friend that so far his proclamations and prognostications have failed to work out for him, he'll keep harping on it again and again, and pushing you to put all your savings into buying a condo, and you'll either eventually come around to his way of seeing things (whether he's "right" or not), or get so annoyed by it that you exit the friendship.

The people around you influence you strongly for better or for worse. To become exceptional, or to remain the way you are, or to backslide.

And the person with the greatest measure of influence on you of all, with the greatest ability to steer and direct your thoughts and ideas and emotions, is, of course, the one you spend the most time with: your girlfriend.

And if you aren't being selective when selecting the most important, influential person around you, you're doing yourself a major disservice.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Anonymous's picture

I think since women are the 'approachees' and not the 'approachers' they can sit back and wait for male attention and screen guys heavily because they know that if some guy isn't up to snuff, some other guy will come along eventually. Most guys have no such luck. Guys on the other hand go thru hell trying to hook up with women. It takes building of confidence to overcome approach anxiety and the sting of rejection... especially when you try to court a woman in a crowded public place during the day and she 'disses' you in front of everyone. This takes the training of a soldier to become less sensitive to that. Do loop until you approach enough women that now you're an approach machine.

But imagine being a shy guy trying to work up to that pinnacle. It is hard! So then it's like from a man's perspective, many things are working against you.

1) If you want the high-society top tier beautiful women that are approached by herds of men, she isn't going to want to fuck with you if you lack the confidence that it takes to approach her in the first place...she isn't going to come to you and try to generate a relationship, usually. Even if you get her out on a date, she isn't going to be interested in you if you don't have interesting things going on. Women respond to actions more than words...show her you know WHAT YOU WANT and how you plan to get it. She wants a leader... Can you lead? Can you inspire her to accept your vision of your future and why that future would be beneficial to her if chose you over thousands of other eager guys, some of whom are richer, look better, have bigger muscles, deeper voices, brighter smiles, than you? Why you and not them? This is the marketing decision that she will make. It's her life and she takes it serious and so she should. So if you really really want her then go after her. But make sure you see the benefits in nabbing her...beyond her good looks and beyond her tits and beyond her ability to make other girls jealous. Screen her personality, her charm, her auto-investing, etc. I used to just want girls because it was an instinctual thing...if she's pretty let's go try and get her. That worked in high school but as I've gotten older I can tell you that first envisioning your future and what you want is paramount, then coming up with the values you want in your woman, the values that will make you passionate for her. Then once you are passionate about this woman it will be easier to persist in the face of her tests, and the drama that she might bring.

2) If you lack confidence in approaching women, you tend to take what you can get. AKA settling. Some people rationalize settling by saying to themselves, "yeah she may not be ideal, but at least I am not alone. I hate loneliness far worse than this bitch of a woman I have to deal with. Plus I can't get other girls so I'll put up with her BS!"

3) The guy the other day in your article on Getting Overseas Women hit the nail on the head. Most women just won't be interested in you, period. No matter what you do, how you dress, what you drive, what you look like, some girls will like you and others won't. That's a horrible realization, but you must realize it. It's a fact. Therefore in order to get the woman that you want, and because women won't approach you, then you have to succumb to the law of numbers and approach and screen alot of women! Finding a diamond in the rough. Sometimes you get lucky after the first dig. Other times it may take years to find your gem!

So to combat all of this shit working against you... building confidence and security is king. Knowing exactly what you want, how to communicate with women and playfully banter and tease to get them intrigued, apply the art of the push-pull, focusing on closing the deal out when she shows you attraction, and being agressive and persistent is really what it takes, and being prepared to fail and go home hurt. Having this inner attitude about FUCK the outcome, I will continue to do what I want despite failure...and you will fail. Girls will reject you. And at first it seems scary to approach strange beautiful women. But in the end ask yourself, what do you want more...a sexy amazing woman who pushes you to be the best man that you can...or some mediocre woman that you settled for? If you want success, you must work, you must fail, you must try again and tweak your strategy, and learn how to act around women to generate attraction, and close out the attraction. You have to work and train until your subconscious/auto-pilot is working for you.

Franco's picture

Almost everything you wrote here is on point, Anon. It's better to realize this as soon as possible so you can begin to train your mind toward getting what you want. ;)

- Franco

Ben's picture

Hey man,

I like this post... in in attraction, dating and sex advice... The focus is almost always on what does SHE want and how can I do more of that... without ever focussing on what do I want...

And you go in much detail which is great...

Keep it up...

JOn's picture

Hey Chase,
First just like to say that so much of whats on here has worked like a charm for me, and things usually can be expanded on(the "dirty dream" in the woods for getting a girl interested via text can be changed to "playing twister" etc). However, I am having trouble with the last 5%. I just took a girl home, kissed her, took her to her bed, only to have the night end in her pulling my hands away and saying repeatedly that I should go home. It seemed like I would make progress only to have her go cold again. It's still embarrassing to think about but I wanted to jump on this situation now because it has been a reoccurring problem. I am relatively good looking, get plenty of attention, but I used to get cold feet really easily and lost plenty of women that way. Even now that I am getting some confidence it still is the hardest part.

I am wondering if you have any method getting through that last 5% without having the woman pull back? Also, is there some way to come on strong (I even used "I want you, do you want me?) without just being rude? How can I get past the girl thinking she is a "bad girl", and that thats a bad thing?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Jon,

The end game of a seduction tends to be influenced quite a bit by the girl's feeling about you before you go into it. So if she's really turned on and ready for intimacy, and doesn't see you as someone she can imagine herself with over the long term at all, and there's zero risk of her social circle finding out, you'll see virtually no resistance from her and things will go smoothly.

You can think of the Big 4 for last minute resistance as:

  1. How turned on and excited she is
  2. How much or how little she sees you as a possible boyfriend
  3. How sex with you will impact her social standing
  4. How sex with you will impact her view of herself

A lot of this you can take care of beforehand - having a sexual vibe gets her ready for intimacy, disqualifying yourself as a boyfriend removes the question of whether she wants to keep you around or not, being discrete and making sure she understands you are (and, ideally, being someone from outside her circle, or even outside her city or country) removes objection #3, and reassuring her that you don't judge people who do what they want, that you only judge people who care so much about what society thinks that they set aside their own wants instead will hit #4.

If you take care of things beforehand, you'll have much easier going when you get to the point itself. If you didn't take care of things in advance, there's less you can do, but I've got a post up covering strategies for dealing with bedroom resistance and hesitancy right here: "How to Get a Girl in Bed."

Cheers,
Chase

Anonymous's picture

I can fully understand not going for girls you have a bad feeling about, but logically seem like a good match, but what about those girls you have a good feeling about despite their being good logical reasons NOT to 'go for'.

Franco's picture

You shouldn't have a good feeling about a girl that has logically shown reasons not to be with her. I can usually immediately write a girl off if I see a clear-cut, logical reason that we shouldn't (or can't) be together. If you somehow still have a good feeling about a girl, then maybe you need to re-evaluate what your logical reason actually is for not being able to be with her. Is your logical reason based on your lack of confidence (i.e. I logically can't be with this girl... she is too beautiful for me), or is it based on realistic logistics (i.e. she lives in another country or she's obviously already in a happy relationship that shows no current signs of deteriorating)? If it is the former, then it means you need to work on training your mind to become more confident to obtain women who are logistically capable of being with you. The latter should be based on things that are out of your control or things that you know (from past experience) are not compatible with who you are.

Once you are able to separate true logical reasons from the emotional ones, your choices in women will come with more clarity.

- Franco

Anonymous's picture

Ok more specifically, although I didn't really want to make it a 'there's this one girl' type of post.

It's kind of both and neither reason in that it would take a emotional shift on her end and good logistics on both our parts.

I very often get a bad feeling about people in general, and hardly ever get a good feeling but this girl I get a good feeling about despite her telling me she's emotionally unavailable. I realise that sounds confusing.

Put another way from what she's saying is she's very unavailable, but how she acts is completely opposite, and I feel as if I really cannot fuck this one up because she won't let me. It's very much like she has a 'game plan' and she just hasn't got round to telling me yet.

Hope that doesn't sound too crazy :) and TBH in the end it doesn't really matter wether I get her or someone else. I'm way past all that pedistalising and needy crap.

Franco's picture

Generally you are correct in that you want to avoid these type of "this one girl" situations (as Chase preaches on this website), but I can probably give you some of my personal advice here.

The number one thing to keep in mind with women is that their actions reveal a lot more than their words do. The only primary reason I could think of that a girl would tell you that she is "emotionally unavailable," and then act in a completely opposite demeanor around you, is that there is probably another guy that she is trying to become involved with but wants to keep you around in case things don't work out.

This can be a dangerous situation in the sense that she will probably want to keep in contact with you while she pursues her other avenues and it can ultimately land you in the friend zone if you end up providing too much value to her life.

For this reason, I would suggest the following tactic that I use which I like to call responsive contact only (RCO: there may be some term for this in the Pick-Up community, but this is what I have coined it as anyway). If you have already asked her out on a date and she has declined (and make sure you do this if you haven't... you need to make your intentions clear), then you need to completely stop contacting her. The only communication you should have with her is when she contacts you first, and you want to be very short and very vague with her (i.e. she may contact you and say something like, "Hey, I haven't heard from you in awhile! How are things?" Your response should be something like: "I'm good. Sorry, I've just been busy!"). In essence, you want to give her the idea that you might be seeing someone else -- and if you can, I highly suggest you do!

The point is to make her worry that her window with you is closing and that she needs to act quickly if she wants to have a chance with you. Just the idea in her head that you may be dating another girl will also increase your attractiveness toward her. If this continues, then ideally at some point, she may just ask you to hang out because she's worried she's losing you. Make sure you don't succumb like a little puppy at this point though: make her fit into your schedule. Once you do get her out though, make sure you move things forward fast (as if it's the first date).

This kind of tactic won't always work, but it is and can be very effective for a girl who's in limbo like this.

Anyway, I hope things work out!

- Franco

Anonymous's picture

Yeah that's kind of the thing, it's (from what she's said) a girl not a guy :)

I'm breaking new ground here, possibly quite literally.

Anyway I've taken enough of your time what you've said has given me a few things to go on, and indeed what Chase said in his reply is very useful.

Thanks guys!

Richie's picture

Hey Chase,
I've been single for a long time, purely out of choice! Boy has it been amazing..I'd like to start by saying I disagree with so many things I've found on most pua sites in the past two, crazy, years of my life (since I decided to better myself in this field!)
I came across your site a couple of weeks before Christmas by pure accident as I felt my text game was slipping..you showed me the error of my ways and it has gone fantastically with every girl since! So thanks for that :) I find your methods somewhat refreshing!

Praising aside: My question to you is 'when is a good time to ask her out?'
I mean this in the sense where I've been meeting a girl once a week, I got intimate on the first date, and everything is starting to feel very attractive ever since that after christmas party night! I generally like this girl and screening her has turned up some pretty fun results! I'd like to think I understand relationships to a degree, and I've been in a few long ones also..but I'm stuck in single mode. So again, if you could help me out here I'd find it awesome (as I couldn't find a post with this in it specifically) When do you ask a girl to be yours? I just can't get my finger on this one!
Thanks
Richie

Anonymous's picture

Positive assortative Mating (PAM) - You could easily translate that to mean that everyone is looking for the opposite-sex version of themselves... except better. But not significantly better.

I can understand this concept as I have desired women through this perspective but it gets problematic. What ends up happening is I fall for a women who has some of my traits but carries them in a matter a little better than me causing me to feel insecure and further putting her on a pedestal. I end up liking a girl who I think is better than me ( who in reality may or may not be better) and can never fully attempt to make a move on her because of this mental barrier. I think the mental barrier is why does a women want a man who has her traits but in a slightly Less better form.

I will like her even more because you like what you think you can't have. I'm accepting defeat without the fight.

I think this is where the perspective of PAM can be self defeating.
For instance, if I am a lawyer, I can never see myself with a lawyer who is a little better than me. Or if I was a doctor, to date another doctor who specializes in a specialty I couldn't qualify for.

Anonymous's picture

This has to be one of the most important article i have ever read in my life.

sydney_sider91's picture

And now I'm in a relationship with the same girl and having doubts if I should keep improving my skills with girls, or stay with this girl.

This girl is pretty, ambitious, has a great career and thoughtful. The main negative to her is that she is not vivacious like other girls I know.

I'm not sure if you believe in MBTI personality types but she is not a great MBTI math for my personality type.

I also have the urge to get back out there and improve my girl getting skills.

I'm very conflicted and it's doing my head in. Would love to hear your thoughts on this

A.E

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