How Men Lose Women: They Overreact


lose womenImagine this scenario, if you will.

A man goes out with a woman, and everything feels like it is going great. She’s totally into him, smiles at everything he says, and follows his lead. Then, at some point during the interaction, she does something that completely catches him off guard.

Maybe she refuses a request in an attempt to test him.

Maybe she decides that going home with him wouldn’t be a good idea, and she protests at such an idea.

Maybe she puts up last minute resistance and leaves him wondering what in the world he needs to do to get past it.

All of the previous scenarios include a defining moment, because these men are unsure of how to proceed with unforeseen challenges.

These defining moments are the points in conversation where most men lose women. They are lost at what to do in such a scenario, and effectively scrape their minds to find a strategy to blow past that which is in the way of their goals.

… And when each strategy just doesn’t work out, what do they do? They lose power, and begin to panic. The loss of power causes them to become moody, belligerent, and bitter, because they just aren’t getting what they want with women.

Overreactions like this happen all the time. They are one of the primary destroyers of an interaction which otherwise may have been going along quite well, but were utterly destroyed when the leader (that’s you) ran into a roadblock. The smooth, seductive mask is lifted, and you are left angry at finding yourself unable to get to where you wanted to get to.


Why Do People Overreact?

Overreacting is the result when you combine two phenomena:

  • The lack of control
  • The inability to get what one wants

When people have neither control nor happiness they become extremely bitter with the people who they believe hold the power to make things better.

For example, we at Girls Chase advocate that men maintain the power in a relationship to ensure attraction. A woman does not become exceedingly moody and belligerent if the man maintains this power as long as he is able to keep her happy with the relationship.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, a woman who is unhappy with her current situation isn’t going to blame her nice guy friend for not providing her with sex, simply because she knows she is the only one who has the power to make such a thing work – but she chooses against it because he is a platonic buddy.

Only the one in power receives the blame, and without the combination, you aren’t going to run into overreactions.

Understanding the interaction between these phenomena shows just how potent the resulting scenario of an overreaction is within the sphere of relationships. You get an overreaction in its purest form, because the lack of control is the result of being unable to get what you want.

For instance, guys who overreact with women often encounter a lack of control as a direct result of the inability to get what they want.

This problem only further promotes women overreacting, because the man is supposed to be the one with the power in the relationship, causing them to overreact because they aren’t able to get what they want from you either.

It’s a headache – a big mess. No one exits such a situation satisfied.

And, because there is very little that can be done after you’ve already lost face and conceded power, you need to focus on preventing the loss of power and freeing yourself from inherently limiting mindsets.


Vital Mindsets to Prevent Overreacting

There are two primary modes of action that you can implement to prevent overreactions. Like everything, they depend on a mix of mindsets and actual techniques and strategies that you can use when it comes to crunch time.

First up, we’ll discuss the mindset for the issue of not getting what you want.

A difficult task indeed, because you cannot simply get what you want in every single situation in life, especially when it comes to influencing other people. There are some people in life that just won’t budge, and no amount of mastermind trickery is going to get you what you want.

Because of such variability in life, you must always remain independent of the outcome of the situation.

lose women

Outcome independence is a mindset that frees you from feeling the frustration of not getting the results you desire, thus curbing the need to overreact. This is why you’ll see me talking about outcome independence quite frequently, because it largely takes cares of any overreactions altogether, which allows you to move things forward with women.

If you work to the best of your ability and are unable to take a woman home, you gracefully bow out, knowing that there very well may be intangible factors in place that simply prevent your desired scenario from playing out.

Note that this should never take the place of actual results, but letting it get to you in the heat of the moment just results in you being unsmooth, uncool, and worst of all, it makes you overreact.

To fully take advantage of the outcome independence mindset, you must also be doing a few other things right.

Most importantly, you must be willing to persist and have absolute confidence that what you are working towards is the preferred outcome for the both of you.

Oftentimes, I’m presented with this question: when should you persist with a woman you want to get to know?

All the time.

I know what you may be thinking if this is your first time hearing about persistence. “Sounds creepy” is the reaction that most people will give me upon hearing that you need to try harder in a specific moment to create more opportunities for success.

However, persistence is creating opportunities even though you may think that you have none. You’re taking shot after shot at the goal, creating the possibility that she will change her answer and say “yes”.

I’ve found persistence to be an extremely useful tactic, as it works to get women to look past their inhibitions and do what they really want to do.

I probably would not have slept with my current girlfriend if I didn’t persist, because she held inhibitions about the role of sex in a relationship. She put up heavy last-minute resistance the first time I tried to bed her and was completely against the idea of first date sex. Even after pulling out all the tricks in the book by making use of a slow escalation and getting her invested in the process, she stuck to her guns and completely refused to let me touch her pussy every time.

Naturally, persistence cannot be followed indefinitely – there has to be a point in which it would be more advantageous to stop the interaction, as such a point could bring you further from the escalation.

This brings up the question: at what point should you stop with your persistence?

Personally, the point at which I know it is time to bow into resistance is the point at which she is just about to become blatantly annoyed with my persistence.

This is precisely what I did with my current girlfriend. She was just about to get annoyed that I kept trying to escalate to sex, and I flat out slowed down the interaction into simply falling asleep.

I could’ve easily blown it and got angry that she didn’t sleep with me, but I understood that it was something that was out of my control. So I let it be, and went to sleep.

After all that, imagine my shocked grin when I felt her grinding on me in the middle of the night. This time, we rapidly escalated towards sex without any resistance – almost as if I was escalating with a completely different woman.

When we woke up the next morning, she remarked that a switch just flipped in her mind and she somehow knew that she wanted to sleep with me after I stopped persisting and calmly went to sleep. I was the smooth man who understood her, and that turned her on more than she ever knew she could be turned on.

The thing I had going for me persistence-wise was my absolute confidence that escalation to sleeping with me was the best possible outcome for the night. Only if she is still unyielding after that do I let things slide, because I know that the outcome isn’t vitally important to my life. She’s just a silly, cute girl after all.

That’s because you can only try so many times to get a girl to move forward before she is going to straight up start getting mad and dismissive with you, and I absolutely make sure to push it to that limit.

Why?

Because I am absolutely confident in my frame that sleeping together NOW is an experience that she’ll never forget, which trumps her frame that we should wait.


If You Find Yourself Overreacting, Take Action

lose womenMindsets are great and all, but there are certainly times where doubt can creep in and dismantle even the best of nights.

Sometimes persistence won’t pan out, and you’ll find yourself increasingly invested into getting your desired results. The more effort you put into something, the more you want it to occur, which does lend itself to overreacting.

Persistence definitely is a double-edged sword; however, if you use it correctly, not even the failures will sting you.

One of the most common scenarios where I see men overreacting is in the midst of simply talking to a girl. It often plays out in one of two ways:

  1. An inexperienced guy meets unplanned resistance or things aren’t going the way he wanted, and he slowly submits to her frame while he panics from within.

  2. An unrefined asshole who encounters a challenge goes into auto-rejection with some bitterness, visibly showing that he’s upset at her unwillingness to submit.

Unfortunately, neither of these scenarios are the ideal situation, because the man makes a fool of himself either way.

What is the correct thing to do when you find yourself becoming bitter, submitting, or otherwise unable to control the situation and notably upset by your outcomes?

You walk away from the situation.

It’s never a good idea to stay in an arena when you are unable to control the way you feel as a direct result of the situation at hand. That’s because, for the large part, such emotions are cemented in your head, unable to free themselves from the clutches of your past experiences.

I used to think that I could find some way, some method of bringing myself back from overreactions, in hopes that I’d be able to salvage some part of what I had going for me beforehand, but it all tends to fall flat on its face.

It’s a good thing we live in a society bursting with other women and other opportunities. Each blown overreaction is a situation to learn from, and a reminder that you can’t always get what you want.

But you can try.

Ross

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Comments

Sam2's picture

The Psychology of Overreacting


This is such a topical article for me.

The number of women I have lost due to loss of my nerve at crucial points of my interactions with women is for sure a double-digit one.

Observing myself I noticed that overreacting is based on a defeatist/victim mentality according to which "the Universe conspires with the girl, so as not to get what I want as a man". It is a flawed mental model and a very self-destructive one. The truth is the woman wants what we, men, want exactly the same. She just hopes that we will make it happen against the odds. She just wants to be completely blameless for her own seduction.

A note on persistence: The hotter and bitchier the woman is, the less green lights will give you. In fact, her only "green light" is if she remains in your place without her suggesting that you should leave. Her mere presence is all you need to keep persisting. Ignore all testy behaviour on her part and simply focus on the fact that she keeps staying there with you.

Ross Leon's picture

Women with Low Attainability

Author

Hey Sam,

Yeah, women with low attainability definitely give significantly less green lights or signs. With persistence, I almost always tend to assume that if she is sticking around and still has he body language addressed on me, she wants to stick around.

A lot of guys won't see her verbally interested and immediately shut down, because there's a hot woman standing in front of them that they know if out of their league. These guys go into auto-rejection and overreact pretty fast.

Anonymous's picture

Hi guys. I was wondering if


Hi guys.

I was wondering if you guys can do an article on how to find a job? The thing of the matter is I have been trying to leave this shitty, small town that I currently work in, but with no luck. My town is one of those towns Chase wrote about that has an absolute lack of women. If I go out of town (a 2+ hour drive), I see more women in a day than I do a lifetime here in this town.

Getting back to the matter at hand. I've had a handful of face-to-face interviews but always seem to bomb here. I don't know if it's the constant frustration of defeat that's gotten to me and shows at these interviews without me even realizing it. Or something else. I wish I could find out what it is! The other thing that I think makes it hard is I am trying to relocate to a city some 1600 miles away. I read that most employers are looking for someone local, so I have that against me (I think!)

So, please guys! I'd love to hear some tips that you have personally used to be able to land a job and relocate. The lack of girls here is starting to take its toll on my personal life, mental health, and the inability to land a job triply stings.

David Riley's picture

Noted


Hey Anon,

I'll let Chase and the other author's know.

Just Dave

PUA-Learner's picture

I have a question?


First, let me say that this was a great article from Ross Leon I will try to not do these things.

I actually wanted to ask Chase this, but everybody can answer,do we have some articles about connections or contacts here and how to build these? What I mean is, like friends but in a more useful way and how "connections" can benefit ones life and maybe even to find the "right" girl or something like that. They would even be good for business but I find they can make ones life easier.

Thx

David Riley's picture

Article Links


Hey Learner,

Chase touched on this in the article about many small ties and few weak ones

http://www.girlschase.com/content/true-freedom-means-many-weak-ties-and-...

I would also recommend the article on how to master anything

http://www.girlschase.com/content/how-master-anything

Just Dave

Alex Ljubenov's picture

Two questions


Hey, guys! I have two questions I would like to ask:

1. Any advice on picking up women at a wedding?
2. Any advice on meeting dutch women?

Thanks and keep up the great work! :)

David Riley's picture

Noted


Hey Alex,

I'll let Chase and the other writers know about this for a possible article.

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

insecurities, games, attraction


how do you make a girl feel sexy and special but be less invested in her? do you need to play games to peak her interest or is being a sexy, manly man enough to keep her attracted? doesn't playing games build the self belief that you're not attractive without them?

Ross Leon's picture

Sex

Author

Anon,

Want to make a girl feel sexy and special? Give her mind-blowing orgasms during sex.

If you're talking outside of the bedroom, games are definitely not needed to peak her interest, though flirting can be fun and show a sexy, playful side. And, oftentimes as you will see, investing less in the woman will cause her interest for you to grow, as being the one who is less invested in the relationship will force the other party to chase, because they care more.

In the end, I feel like guys/girls who feel that "playing games" is necessary are those who are trying to force a frame that isn't true. For example, a guy that's not busy at all waiting for a while to text a girl, or a girl flaking on a date to keep the guy interested. These are often signs that the guy/girl wants to be seen a certain way, but hasn't actually obtained the experience to be that way.

This can cause very incongruent frames, as one can profess to be experience with women even though it is blatantly obvious he isn't. This is a major red flag and often results in quite a bit of awkwardness. So yeah, probably best not to play these games and instead seek out the experience.

josip's picture

Very useful article ! Thanks


Very useful article ! Thanks for shering your expiriance.

I had expiriance wher girls flake and I do nothing and be cool and unreactiv with that. And when I see them again they tend to come to me. Becouse I'm cool with fleaking and nonreactive.

Ross Leon's picture

Thanks josip! Glad to hear

Author

Thanks josip!

Glad to hear that we have similar experiences with women. Most guys think that they have to react... But if a girl flakes on me I'll do something else with my life and pay less attention to her, while still maintaining an air of persistence if I decide to accept her apology as a genuine one. And usually they're more attracted than ever.

blogster's picture

good article


Good article. Some points/questions I'd like to raise.

I can relate to the flip side of this - an ex-girlfriend who pushed for more time together, but was incredibly clingy and would chuck tantrums or would look dejected/shattered the moment I couldn't spend time with her or had to cancel because something important came up. The result was pushing me further and further away from wanting true committment with her; she would then push further and further for more time in a more desperate way and I would continue to back away. The effect was, despite wanting to commit to her, her behaviour and reactions made me increasingly uncomfortable, she effectively became more and more of a stalker and I broke it off. The exact opposite of what she wanted - more time together - eventuated - because I saw behaviour that made me very uncomfortable. So I can appreciate the parallels now.

"Overreacting is the result when you combine two phenomena:

•The lack of control
•The inability to get what one wants"

I would also add:
* mens concept of respect
* male decision making processes
* general unexpectedness

Between men, your word is your bond, generally speaking. Those who don't keep their word, who are all talk no action, who don't follow through, are held in very low regard. It does come a shock when with women, we see see-sawing, flipping flopping and indecisiveness - its viewed as a mark of low character, as someone deliberately jerking us around and makes us most likely to write them off. Men value consistency so this can be very confusing.

Men's decision making processes are also linear which means that over time we assume we are moving towards our goal. Any retrograde steps are unexpected and confusing. Also generally, anything unanticipated is a shock and can cause a reaction male or female.

Some questions:
* how do you determine whether she's jerking you around or is on board, but uncertain? How do you know she's not just doing it for kicks and validation?

* when they genuinely have desire, but uncertainty, leading to indecisiveness or push back, what is going through their minds in such situations? What is pulling them around internally? Knowing would help assist dealing with such moments.

blogster's picture

"For example, we at Girls


"For example, we at Girls Chase advocate that men maintain the power in a relationship to ensure attraction. A woman does not become exceedingly moody and belligerent if the man maintains this power as long as he is able to keep her happy with the relationship.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, a woman who is unhappy with her current situation isn’t going to blame her nice guy friend for not providing her with sex, simply because she knows she is the only one who has the power to make such a thing work – but she chooses against it because he is a platonic buddy."

This is the only weak part of the article. saying men have the power of ensuring attraction is really false re-framing - its not a power, its a responsibility, particularly if a man wants to keep a girl interested. And its obvious that a woman wouldn't even care about having sex with a man she's not sexually interested in.

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