Most Important Thing to Becoming a Lover of Women? Don't Be Bitter.


don't be bitterI sat there in a café by myself, staring blankly at a couple of abandoned plates of food.

"I won't let this make me bitter," I whispered under my breath.

I'd spent the night talking and moving from club to club with a girl I liked a lot and had been pursuing for months. She was smart, funny, tall -- beautiful. Everywhere she went, she attracted men to her, like moths to a flame. But she treated me different than all the other guys rotating around her; them she'd be polite but dismissive toward; me, she'd spend hours just sitting there talking to. She didn't do that with anyone else. That night, it'd been just us, the entire night -- and she'd been talking about the two of us going to an "after-party" together -- I started thinking that finally, after all this time and effort, I was getting somewhere with her. I suggested we could just chill at my apartment.

And then, in the middle of us eating at a café at the end of the night, before heading to our "after-party," some guy she knew happened to show up, just as she'd gotten up and was heading into the bathroom. She was excited to see him -- then, they disappeared around the corner together. When they came back, they were laughing like little kids... and they sat down next to each other across from me.

I'd been sitting next to her before she got up.

It was early 2006. I didn't know what I was doing -- I'd only been trying to get better with women for a year, and only actively doing it -- religiously -- for about 2 or 3 months now. But I figured I had to try to save this; I'd try anything I could. It couldn't fall apart -- not now. Not when we were so close, after months of hard work.

So I tried boyfriend destroyers, even though this guy wasn't her boyfriend.

I tried seeming as calm and nonplussed as possible as they flirted in front of me.

I tried going over the top and telling them what a beautiful couple they made as they fed each other food across the table from me, hoping she'd protest that they weren't a couple. Instead, she only played along more, telling me she'd been chasing this guy forever but that he kept turning her down.

And then, despite my efforts, the moment I went to the bathroom to collect my thoughts, they disappeared.

The bill was waiting on the table for me when I got back. And they were gone... off into the night together.

"Don't be bitter," I said to myself.

 

What the Warrior Knows

As a child, I was about as fearful a kid as you could get. I decided to stop running at four years old because I was afraid of scraping my knees if I fell down again. I used to lay awake at night, every night, terrified at the prospect of vampires, werewolves, trolls, and even the next round of immunizations I'd need, which at age 7 I calculated would be in another 7 years. In only 7 years, I'd get stuck with another needle! I couldn't sleep.

But my biggest fear has always been failure -- and failure's twin brothers, weakness and surrender. It was my fears of failure, weakness, and surrender that led me to confront most of my other fears, and it was that that eventually led me to adopt a value system of continually testing the limits of what was possible for me.

Growing up, I used to watch a lot of movies, and I took a lot of life lessons from them. One of the things I saw, again and again, was all the cynical people there were in the world -- cynical, bitter people, who'd been burned by life and never forgot it.

And what I noticed, nearly universally, was that bitter people lived in the past. They were bitter because of what happened before -- and it prevented them from ever taking charge of their lives again.

I came to equate bitterness and cynicism with surrender -- with becoming someone who's given up fighting for what he wants, and instead sits there and complains at the world about how unfair it is.

There's a quote I like by a man named Carlos Castenada:

"The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge while an ordinary man takes everything as either a blessing or a curse."

What Castenada means there is that when something happens to a warrior, he looks at it, and says, "Hmm. How can I figure this out to get what I want?"

Whereas when something happens to an ordinary man, he looks at it and says, "Oh, life is so good to me!" or, "Oh, life is so unfair."

That's why warriors are always in command of their lives, while ordinary men's lives instead command them.

I've further distilled the concept behind this quote into something I say to people in my life, when I hear them complaining or being bitter or being cynical. What I say to them is this:

There are, I've noticed, two kinds of people in the world. People who complain about their problems, and people who fix their problems. Right now it sounds like you're one of the complainers; I think you ought to be one of the fixers. Otherwise, you're just going to keep complaining forever and nothing'll ever get fixed.

Me, I don't complain much. I have at times in the past, though it usually would only last for a short time until I figured out how to fix whatever it was that was bedeviling me.

I am a big believer in action over complaining and bitterness.

Because, to me, someone who's complaining and bitter and cynical is someone who's given up. He's surrendered. He's admitted he cannot get what he wants; he's weak, and he's failed.

So when that girl I'd put so much time and effort into left me holding the bill while she ran off with that mysterious stranger, I feared the creeping poison of bitterness and cynicism. My fear of that scourge was even stronger than the bad taste in my mouth that came from the event itself.

I've been that man before... and I didn't like it. I worked hard to actively get myself out of the trap that is cynicism; I figured out how to overcome depression, and I taught myself how to get girls. And as I did so, I kept in my mind at all times -- don't be bitter.

Because I didn't want to be one of those ordinary men you see in the movies who've given up their dreams and are leading an ordinary, unfulfilling, dead-end life.

That might be the life for some people, but it isn't the life for me. And it isn't what I wanted to be.

I wanted to be a warrior -- a man in command of his own life, not one cast about by the tides of fortune, eventually resenting life for not giving him what he wants.

I worked instead to become the man who asks himself, "How can I fix this?"

 

Bitterness and Seduction: Not Good Bedfellows

don't be bitterI've long been of the mind that if you want true, consistent, wild success with women, you can't be bitter.

In fact, if you want any kind of legitimate success with people in general, you can't be bitter.

The difference between a cynical seducer and a lover of women is huge. The two are worlds apart.

The cynical man teases and plays, but women can feel the coldness and the emptiness behind his words. The lover of women kids and beckons, and women can see the warmth and realness behind his eyes.

The cynical man approaches women cynically, and is received cynically. The lover of women approaches women with love and warmth and familiarity, and is received, quite often, that way.

It's true, there are cynical women out there -- almost as many as there are cynical men. But women are constantly waiting for a man to step into their lives and melt their hearts -- even a cynical woman, encountering a warm, charming romantic man, often begins to quickly melt.

Men who are bitter can get success with women, but if you ask me, trying to get success with women while preserving your own bitterness is like trying to climb a steep hill while wearing slippery shoes.

Possible? Well, anything's possible.

Recommended? No, most certainly not. Put the slippery shoes down and go get something with cleats.

Being a lover of women -- having real, legitimate love for women, which is based in warmth and good feelings toward them and an appreciation of the fairer sex -- that's the equivalent of cleats when it comes to getting to where you want to get to with women.

I see the guys with slippery shoes on -- the bitter guys -- and some of them do finally manage their ways to the top of the hill (many of them do not), but it's not without tremendous more effort and forcing themselves along than they would've required had they not first shed their bitterness.

And those bitter guys, once they are at the top, they either end up attracting equally callous, bitter women into their lives -- no good, believe me -- or, if they're really lucky, they get a good, warm girl, who slowly starts to melt their hearts.

But that's only if they've been looking for those kinds of girls. Usually, though, people who aren't bitter don't want anything to do with bitter, cynical people. And so most bitter guys, I find, tend to end up with bitter girls -- thus preserving their own bitterness.

Whereas all they had to do was figure out how to not be bitter, and it all would've been so much easier.

 

Don't Be Bitter: What You Need to Pull It Off

There are a few tools you can use to start stripping away the protective layers of cynicism you may have wrapped around your heart once you notice bitterness in your thoughts. I've used all the following, and I'd suggest you do too (unless you're bitterness free -- in which case, good going! You're one of a select, privileged few -- definitely something to be proud of).

  1. Cultivate a fear of bitterness. Once you've taken the time to look around you, you'll start noticing that bitter people really do have less satisfactory lives -- and it really is the bitterness causing that, not the other way around (as they often think).

    I too once used to think to myself, "I'm only cynical because my life sucks; as soon as it gets better, I'll stop being cynical." But my life never improved. It wasn't until I said to myself, "All right, nothing else is working and I've got nothing to lose. I might as well try changing my attitude and I'll see if that works," and life started improving almost right away.

  2. Maximize your exposure to others and build reference points. A big part of where bitterness comes from is in failing to relate to others. If you're doing something known as "othering" -- the antithesis of building an emotional connection -- you're probably on the fast track to bitterness without even realizing it. Top recommendation? Think of / write down every type of person you feel bitter towards, and then go make a few good friends of exactly that type of person. It'll erase your bitterness faster than anything else out there.

  3. Work to actively love and appreciate women. One of the things I made myself do early on was start viewing women as silly and cute. Because at first, girls were a little scary and a little intimidating. I heard some advice that came out to simply, "They're just girls," and I realized I wanted that same mindset -- it isn't some huge deal, and who cares what they think about you or say to you -- they're just girls.

    I decided if I wanted to get myself into that mentality with anything approaching speed, I was going to have to consciously grow that mindset myself. So, whenever I saw girls doing crazy stuff, I'd make myself stop and think, "Aw, girls are so cute and silly." At first, it was crazy, because I'd have these conflicting thoughts -- one thought would be, "Oh God, I don't even understand this behavior... women are so confusing and intimidating," and then I'd simultaneously force myself to think, "Aw, aren't girls cute and silly."

    The cute-silly thoughts began taking the edge off the feelings of intimidation, and eventually my brain learned to think of women as silly and cute on its own and totally lost any feeling of confusion, intimidation, fear of the unknown or hostility.

    It was a short step to really truly appreciating women after that point.

  4. Seek to become a lover of women. If you hold it out as your ideal, as what you wish to be, you will eventually become it. To be a lover of women when you're coming from a background of cynicism and bitterness is no small feat -- I know, because I did it myself. But these days, people tell me constantly how warm I am, how they feel like we're old friends after just meeting me; women ask me if they know me from somewhere, because I just feel so familiar to them.

    They used to be scared of me. Honest to God. I tell women that now, and they tell me, "No way. Really? Why would any girl be scared of you?"

    It's because I worked hard and shed my bitterness and cultivated an aura of genuine warmth and understanding. I build connections with people; I deep dive and get to know them right away; and I really do care about people. I'm not a feel-good, peace-loving don't-hurt-the-flies hippie; I still tease women and challenge them and I lead them strongly and decisively and sometimes even get told I'm too demanding and too uncompromising (okay, not sometimes... more like all the time). But beneath a somewhat hard veneer, they can feel my warmth as well, and that's a big part of why it works for me as well as it does.

  5. Seek to understand. I plan to do a post on this sometime soon, but I hear a lot of guys saying, "Who cares about understanding women? Just figure out what works with them and do that."

    Well, when a girl walks out on you with another guy at a diner and leaves you to foot the bill, either you're not going to understand, and you're going to be bitter for the rest of your life, or you will understand, and you'll get over it fast (because you'll realize where you made mistakes), and you'll stop yourself from making the same mistakes with future girls that you made with that one.

 

Becoming a Lover of Women Without Taking Decades to Get There

I view there as being two paths to enlightenment (or, changing your mindset / worldviews):

  • Passive, and
  • Active

Passive enlightenment is what most people come to. In seduction, this is the guy who starts out bitter toward women, then breaks his back getting good with them, and then reaches a level where he's fairly consistently good with women. He's still bitter, though less so.

Over the course of ten or twenty years, he has numerous experiences with women -- some of them good, some of them not so good. And eventually he comes to realize that all women are different, and he comes to be truly touched by the good women he encounters, who do kind, considerate things for him and treat him like a prince.

In the end, he sheds his bitterness, and comes to truly be a lover of women.

That's the passive way. It works, and it's low effort (at least as far as mindset-altering is concerned), but it's slow.

Turtle speed, baby.

Active enlightenment is what we discussed just above, under the subheading "Don't Be Bitter: What You Need to Pull It Off." That's harder -- it's going to require you monitor your thoughts. It'll require you force yourself to think things you don't want to think, and it'll require you go get friends of the type of person you don't have so many good feelings for right now, and it'll require you get to know those people, come to understand them, and develop compassion for them.

But man, can it accelerate the shedding of your bitterness.

Benefits of being a lover of women who's bitterness-free and cynicism-free?

  • Less stress... a lot less stress

  • More comfort in your own life and skin

  • More options -- no more, "I'm not going to talk to her; girls like her are fake / shallow / worthless / not real girls"

  • More initial attraction from women (women lower their walls around men they can sense don't have walls up against them -- cynical men keep their defenses up to protect themselves, and women sense this and keep their defenses up too)

  • You just feel better... and help others feel better, too

God, there're so many cynical men out there -- regular men, men who are trying to improve with women, men who are already in a relationship, men who are coming out of a relationship -- I feel like cynicism is this rampant plague of the mind in Western civilization. I'd even go so far as to categorize the progression of belief systems like this:

  1. Naïveté (thinks all the world is good and selfless)

  2. Cynicism (thinks all the world is greedy and selfish)

  3. Zen (understands that some people are selfish, some aren't, and knows how to get to know people and connect to them and how not to be used, and genuinely likes people and appreciate them for who they are)

In China, where I am right now, there are a lot of people still at the beginning of the scale (trusting naïveté). In the United States, where I was before, most of the people are in the middle of the scale (skeptical cynics).

I'm not sure if there's anywhere that people are just Zen, and understand the way people are and accept them as they are regardless, but man, it's a much healthier place to be, let me tell you.

I'm proud to say, I didn't harbor bad feelings for too long toward that girl who stiffed me that night with the bill while she left with that other cat. I cut her off after that, and she even chased me a bit after I did so, but I'd made some mistakes there that would've been tough to fix at that level of my ability and in any event she'd crossed a line on respect that couldn't be uncrossed -- I wasn't willing to resume dealings with her once that line was crossed. But I didn't hold it against her -- she was contrite, and she knew she messed up. We'd both made mistakes.

When all's said and done, there's really only one thing you can do when bad stuff happens with girls:

Realize that sometimes, those things happen, and that every girl is different.

And, in the end, just don't be bitter.

Warmly,
Chase Amante

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Comments

Migz's picture

The Girl in the Story Thank


The Girl in the Story

Thank that girl in the story

I remember reading about this tough time of yours in your older posts on the TA board. Girls have no idea about how hard our hearts have been crushed before. But like you said, it’s about not admitting defeat. It’s about believing you can do it.

It’s so hard before you understand the LLE, though. Just for coming up with that concept, I think you are the best coach in the world. Warmth + LLE + Moving fast is such a powerful recipe that I believe it can get almost any guy laid. Of course there is no magic pill, but this is the closest there is to any.

As for bitterness and cynicism, I’d say that recognizing them as a loser’s attitude is the best cure. Girls really are put off by a cynical man coming to them, and it thus creates a feedback loop. It really sucks to be cynical. The dark humor can be entertaining and act as a balm to your bruised ego, but its nothing compared to a beautiful woman in your arms. I’d rather take a million shots at creating the positive feedback loop of the lover of women.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: The Girl in the Story

Author

Yo Migz-

Yeah brother, learned good lessons out of experience with that gal (and many others). I try to stay thankful for pretty much everything that's transpired in my life to this point -- I wouldn't be where I am now without it all.

Cynicism really is a vicious feedback loop. A guy's cynical, goes up to meet girls, they keep their walls up and want nothing to do with him, and he leaves even more cynical than he walked up feeling. Good call pointing that out -- that's some nastiness right there! Much better to be in the feedback loop of good feelings -- better results, and better emotions to boot.

Chase

Paul88's picture

Thinking of girls as cute and silly


Hi Chase,

I have a serious quistio about the third point "Work to actively love and appreciate women".
What you said is to view girls/women as cute & silly, when they're doing something irational/dumb/... or so I understood it...

But what if I have a problem wih "cute" & "silly"? I don't like cute & silly at all.

Is that just a variable term? What would you recommend to me?

I really like most of your articles; they give me lot to think about.

Cheers,
Paul

Brent's picture

Live and Learn


"But I didn't hold it against her -- she was contrite, and she knew she messed up. We'd both made mistakes.

When all's said and done, there's really only one thing you can do when bad stuff happens with girls: Realize that sometimes, those things happen, and that every girl is different."

Chase,

I must say the above statement is outstanding. Often times I look for all these complicated explanations of why things have not worked out with girls in the past. Searching for theories and long drawn out explanations that are all really complicated excuses to why women in my life have acted a certain way.

In reality as you put it "we both made mistakes, those things happen, every girl is different" is so simple yet exactly what everyone needs to hear. My recent experience with the bipolar girl which I had never experienced before made me appreciate the differences between women even more then I ever thought possible. It took me years to understand what you explain so clearly in this article. All of the long drawn out ego/relationship theories explaining how women act are fine but in reality the healthiest thing you can do is live, learn, and let go of the past, while at the same time always appreciating the time spent with women from your past, present, and future.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Live and Learn

Author

Howdy Brent,

Important to learn the distinctions, and understand women's behavior, and recognize all the reactions to your own actions and tease apart why things fall the way they do. But yeah, ultimately, you recognize every woman is a different person, and she responds a little bit differently to everything, based on how her personality dictates she respond.

No sense spending forever dwelling on the past; if you can't figure it out, you just go get schooled up, and come back and analyze it later when you're better prepared to understand what transpired. It is as you say -- live and learn, and try not to hold onto the past, lest it end up holding onto you.

Cheers,
Chase

Migz's picture

Some part of my post went


Some part of my post went missing. I meant to say "Thank that girl in the story for making you who you are today". If she didn't do that to you, you might have not progressed as fast afterwards. Even if you had gotten with her, things would probably still have ended badly. You weren't ready at the time.

M's picture

Is appreciating =


Is appreciating = caring?
What's the relationship between appreciating and being a prize?
Is caring beta?
Personally, now I see women more as sex objects. I do not really care about them. Is it wrong?

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Is appreciating =

Author

Hey M,

Appreciating and caring aren't necessarily the same things -- e.g., you might appreciate that a statue is beautiful, but remain unmoved when someone comes along and smashes it. They can both exist together, but it isn't required.

Likewise, appreciation and being a man that women pursue can quite peacefully coexist. You may look at a woman, legitimately appreciate her as beautiful or amazing or both, but not care very much either way whether the two of you end up together (most likely because you have lots of equivalent options, or have "let go" of needing from her what other men need from her), or otherwise feel confident that no matter how things end up, you'll be okay. So, you're able to continue on as you know is best, and avoid falling into the trap of getting needy and chasing and outcome dependent.

As for caring, the only kind of caring I'd define as weak is the caring of wanting an outcome very much and being afraid of not getting it. That's weakness, for sure, and it should be actively improved on.

Caring about women themselves though isn't weak at all. Actually, you'll notice that the strongest, most widely respected men are compassionate men -- albeit men who still make decisions that are about as logical as you can get. Also be aware of men who shield themselves from caring as a defense mechanism -- they can think this makes them look strong, but you'll see them break down every now and again when some girl manages to carve past their defenses and they don't know how to deal with it.

As far as viewing women as sex objects... well, here's hoping the feminists don't seize on this reply. I don't see anything wrong with it at all, and I actually think it can pretty drastically improve your learning curve for picking up. Eventually you want to start building more human connections, having children, building relationships, etc., and then caring about women as people becomes important. I do think even when you're in "women as sex objects" mode, it's still important to care enough to avoid hurting women whenever possible. Far better to leave a trail of smiling faces than broken, bitter hearts. Great power, great responsibility... all that jazz.

Anyway, that's my take.

Best,
Chase

M's picture

That's a great answer


Thanks for your reply. I agree with you.
I think I am improving a bit there and a bit there, part of it is due to your articles. Dates and escalations feel really effortless, however still need more experience with endgame to feel more confident. Will try to pull a girl home on day3, wish me good luck :)

M's picture

Chase Thank you for your


Chase Thank you for your insights on seduction and socializing. I have learned lots from your site, and you go into detail about certain aspects of game that seldom get covered by other gurus. (Like giving value, don't break the circle, I could go on...) One thing though that I cannot seem to find here is anything relating to getting out of a long dry spell. Any advice in regards to getting back on the saddle after a long time watching obliviously from the sidelines?

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Chase Thank you for your

Author

Hi M,

Different M than the one just above you, I take it? ;)

Hey, you're quite welcome. I do try to aim to talk about stuff I don't hear talked about much / noticed by other people... I figure there's enough folks out there covering the same ground as one another and covering and recovering each others' tracks to be not much point in me joining that wagon train!

Getting back in the saddle after a long dry spell, eh? All right... tell you what, I'll try and get a post up on that soon, it'd make for a good topic. Off the top of my head though, here are a few tips:

  1. Start researching where you can go. If you've been on a dry spell a while, I'm betting you don't know / have forgotten the good places to go meet new women. So start by talking to friends, looking online for things in your area (bars/clubs? Group activities? Classes?), and just going out and scouting around.

  2. Start by dipping your toes in the pool. You're probably going to be both pretty rusty and pretty hesitant, confidence-wise, after a dry spell. So go for some small successes to start shaking off rust and building some initial confidence. Take it easy when you're just starting out again and seek to have some nice, friendly conversations with women that are agenda-free. Don't even ask for a phone number or a date (unless you're really feeling it) until you've started feeling bolder. Having less pressure on yourself will make it easier to start the ball rolling and gathering steam.

  3. Once you're feeling better, start pushing yourself for more. Going out more regularly; meeting more women; taking things further and further in your interactions. That's how you'll force off the rest of the rust and get back to your old self -- quite possibly, better than your old self (often, once the rust is gone, you can find you're doing better than you ever did in the past, strangely enough).

Should be good to get you started. Look for that post soon, brother -- and hope this helps you ease back in.

Chase

Volition's picture

Amazing Article


Hey Chase,

Just stumbled across your website about two weeks ago and am so glad I did. Have read most of the articles on here and really do enjoy the content you've posted. It relates to my life in so many different ways. Its relieving to know that there are others out there that share the same problems since most of the people I know don't share the problems that I have specifically.

I have been bitter for at least a year after I had departed from an ex-girlfriend for whom I've devoted my love, care, energy, and efforts solely on her. I had a strong case of 'one-itis' and its something I've always struggled in my entire life. I wasn't always the boy the girls wanted but I guess you could call me decent. But I was brought up knowing that being mediocre gets you nowhere in life. So my mindset was always a mix of bitterness with a bit of optimism. I digress, but after this breakup I looked back and told myself that I should not regret anything I've ever done since it was such a meaningful experience and that everyone lives and learns.

What is so hard for me now is that I keep worrying about future relationships in order to try to make them successful and not follow the same path as my previous relationships. But after reading this article (and the one about overcoming depression) I've finally realized that it is my attitude that definitely needs changing. Everytime I'm with this new girls i've just met about a couple weeks ago, my 'one-itis' feeling comes back and I keep worrying about steps to make this work. But now I know once those poisoning thoughts come back it is time to say 'STOP'.

Other than those that you've mentioned in those articles, would you recommend any other ones for me to read? Or tips rather?

I know changing my attitude is key and that is what I will be working on from now on.

Just my story I hope it wasn't too much of a brick to read but its feels nice to finally write this somewhere.

Thanks so much Chase, keep up with your work.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Amazing Article

Author

Hey Volition-

Hey, glad to read your story, brother, and way cool to hear I've been able to help. No good to have bitterness inside... it's a slow death by mental poison -- not a fun feeling.

It sounds like you're on the right path. As far as other things to read up on, I have some things on relationships on the site, but it's a little dispersed. Maybe check out the relationships category:

"Relationships"

On not getting too caught up in thinking about this girl, ah, I had a post a while back I think that was about that, but I can't for the life of me remember what that one was called. Or maybe I didn't get that one up. Well, in any event, the gist of it was that you want to keep your thoughts off the girl you're getting emotions for to prevent yourself messing up or getting needy. So instead, think about some other girl, or about some creative endeavor or hobby you're passionate about and can replace the girl with in your thoughts. That'll keep you on-point and stop you from going head-over-heels too early.

Chase

Eddie's picture

You're a god-send


Like literally bro. I can't say enough but how great this site is and what great work you do. At first, I was a bit skeptical because I thought it was all about just doing certain things to get a girl to go to bed with you. However, I see that it's much more than that and by taking on some of your concepts and applying them, I've been having great conversations with the females. Already in the space of a week, I've been having great success and I enjoy it more because by listening you make it so much easier for yourself. There's no pressure to say something impressive yourself.

You're basically like some type of medium/vehicle that girls appreciate because somehow, you seem to 'get' them and I guess they get turned on it. Girls really do love to talk about themselves so why not make it easier and let them talk instead of you.

It's strange because this is how I used to be. Girls would always complement me on my questions to them because it allowed me to connect with them really well and I was also a calm, positive influence on them. For whatever reason, I lost that part of me and your website has helped to re-ignite that aspect of myself and I'm thankful that you have such a great resource that can help guys become more understanding and better able to handle communication with the ladies.

I've already impressed my roommate as he felt I was dropping all this knowledge that he just was a bit gobsmacked by. I'm a Christian so can't help but feel that I was led to find this site even though I wasn't even looking for this site. I was looking for a site that would help me think of an idea of how to treat ladies well in a gender tribute type fashion but I ended up stumbling on your shin dig here and I'm very glad I've found it.

Thanks Chase. You're a champ and I'm looking forward to telling you about the further successes due to your insights. Great stuff. Your mother must be proud

Chase Amante's picture

You're a god-send

Author

Super glad to hear you've had such solid success already applying the material and concepts from the site, Eddie.

That's a sharp way of putting it -- you're the medium that women allow themselves to flow through. I've often thought myself a mirror -- I let people see themselves reflected back at them when they talk to me. That's something that everyone pretty much wants, and needs -- we lose sight of who we really are much of the time, but gazing at your reflection, you can gain a lot more clarity and direction. This is what getting people to open up to you, and feeding it back to them, does.

Anyway, you're quite welcome, brother, and I look forward to hearing about your future successes.

Chase

Eddie's picture

Sexy voice?


Hey Chase, once again thanks for all this great material. So I remember reading in one of your articles some time ago about how having a sexy voice changes the way women perceive you and that usually people dont know notice this 'subtle' change in your voice. Is there any way you can go into further detail about this? Also would you mind making a video demonstration of what actually you mean by having a sexy voice?

I know it sounds silly. Just trying to add more weapons to the arsenal here.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Sexy voice?

Author

Hey Eddie,

I'm not currently doing video or audio for the blog -- my time is stretched pretty thin at the moment, between travel, a number of businesses I'm working with or for, and managing my social life -- but I've had a few requests for stuff on voice. I might at some point get a podcast up on it if I can ever get around to getting the set up for that, but probably won't be for a while if I do.

Meantime, I do discuss it more in detail in both my seduction ebook and I give an example in the first month of Seduction Sensei, so if you have a copy of either of those you can get a pretty clear idea of how a sexy voice works.

Cheers,
Chase

sam's picture

great article chase


I really liked this article chase. You sure do make my days feel a lot better when socializing... Which i am working on to improve my chances with the ladies.

Roy's picture

THANKS A LOT! and quick question


Hey Chase I stumbled across this site trying to find ways to stop texting a girl lol but conversation with her is so fulfilling. Thanks to you though I cut down big. But I also wanted to say thanks for just being so inspirational, not just with women but life, it's so easy to count yourself out these days and take the easy route. A slow, depressing life until death but it's so much better to seize the moment, succeed or fail and learn. So thanks a lot.
I would like to ask for a little advice though. I recently moved from an area with trains and buses for transportation to an area of car travel. I'm currently saving up for a car maybe a month or two I'll have one. But the only time I get out the house is when my dad takes me to work (overnight) and when I accompany the family to my little brother's basketball games. I guess maybe twitter or facebook is good to meet some girls but I don't know. I'm 21, and down here only have one friend kind of, the son of my stepmother's friend, but he works and goes to school. I really want to start meeting a lot of girls, you have any advice for that? Thanks in advance :-)

Anonymous's picture

Wow. I just have to ask you


Wow. I just have to ask you two things:

1. Did you contact that girl ever again and tell her how awful she acted? I get the whole don't be bitter thing, but I've heard that high demand girls are usually pleasantly surprised when men call them out on that kind of behavior. I would have said something about it to her and then let it be.

2. I'm in my mid 20's and not really looking to just date lots of different girls anymore, I really want a soulmate, or at least a great steady girlfriend. It seems your advice is more tailored to guys that want to sow their oats. Are girls like the one in your story worth pursuing for a long term relationship, or does the huge amount of male attention they get every day make them bad choices for what I'm looking for?

I know you posted this story a long time ago but I hope you answer because #2 is especially important to me right now.

Mr. John's picture

1. No offense, but you really


1. No offense, but you really don't understand the whole don't be bitter thing. No, whining will not impress her! Try putting yourself in her shoes. Yeah, she was kinda mean, but it's not crazy mean, like stealing your wallet or calling you names. We men are so used to being mean to each other and to our girls, but if a girl is even a tiny bit mean to us--Good Lord, help us!--we get bitter. Stop being angry and depressed and just forgive! Have a God damn heart, even if it's just a fuck-and-go situation. It's only right.

2. I've been married. I have kids. I like being single. I've had a we're-together-but-we-each-have-our-own-separate-lives girlfriend for 8 years and another for 2 years, so, well. First, smack yourself upside the head! Jesus Christ! You still don't get it. Stop being so damn selfish. If you can't trust your old lady, don't even have sex with her. It will just break your heart. Her? Yes, she will be very sad, very disappointed and most definitely very angry with your self-serving attitude. You have to know yourself before you attempt to become somebody's a soulmate.

Now, of course, the article is for casual sex encounters... Don't use the same advice verbatim, obviously, if you're looking for something other than sex.

I swear, I'm not a very old man. I'm 41. As you can see, I've had quite a variety of kinds of sexual relationships with women, instead of just one kind. It's not really great, mind you, or any sort of achievement. I was confused then, and I'm still confused now. I let the women take the lead, didn't know what the hell I was doing. Hell, none of those ladies didn't know either. We lived, and we learned. We failed, but we got great memories, great friendships, great enemies, even. And I even got kids. I love them. A young man like yourself might not have the prior knowledge to understand such as thing as love, but, hell yeah, it's real.

I regret a lot of those decisions. Life is hard. There's no helping it. I didn't have a dad when I was a child, so I had to learn the rules of this sexual business myself. I used! My girlfriends (not the 8 or 2 year ones) used me like an ATM. I was devastated! My wife divorced me and took the kids. And after THAT, I felt like absolute scum every time I'd talk up a nice lady at the bar, looking for sex and desperate for any kind of respite from my loneliness. Of course, I was pretty much hurled into complete and awful self-loathing whenever one of them would politely reject me.

But, honestly. Let's be serious. I don't hold it against a woman if she rejects me. She does not have to accept. I put the offer out there in case she wants what I want. Whether for a one-night stand or for a marriage. Maybe I'm a creep and too dumb to understand women, but you should adopt the same attitude if you don't want to remain a virgin.

BW's picture

Love this article. My ex's


Love this article. My ex's never understand why I say thank you after we break up--it's because, regardless of the outcome of our relationship, I've learned from every one of them. All of them loved me, even if it was only briefly, and all of them helped make me a better man, even if they didn't mean to.

One girl in particular and I have been on-and-off for over 10 years now. We've never dated officially, and by a cynical person's definition we've "hurt" and "used" each other over and over again. No one side is more guilty than the other. The last time we were together, she asked me "Why do you always take me back? I've hurt you so many times...why do you still want me?"

All I could say was "Sweetheart, you've never hurt me. You've made mistakes, and so have I, but when I look at you, my heart overflows with gratitude."

"Gratitude? For what?"

"For helping me become the man I am".

We always find a way to screw it up. But we always learn from it, and we never make the same mistake twice. And every time we get back together, our relationship is better than the last time. Common sense says we should hate each other, but the capacity to forgive and grow allows us to love and heal each other instead.

And to anonymous above...Chase's blog is only about sowing your oats if you aren't paying attention. This isn't a "perfect your game" website. It's a "become the man you want to be, evolve past your shortcomings, and learn to find the woman of your dreams and treat her the way she deserves and has always wanted to be treated" website. The more you read with an open mind, the more you'll see that what he says not only gets you laid more frequently, it also teaches you to respect yourself, respect women, become a leader, become truly happy with who you are, and create deep, meaningful connections with beautiful women. The sex is just a bonus to his lifestyle. And at the end of the day, who do you think is more likely to REALLY find his soulmate--the guy who has only been emotionally intimate with a few women, or the guy who has spent years challenging his perceptions and being close to a whole lot of different women? Which one is really going to know his perfect match when their paths finally cross--and which one is going to have enough experience to lead their relationship properly off into the sunset?

Michael Jordan said it best: "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life.

And that is why I succeed."

Jay Mendez's picture

Dude, you bring so many things to the light


I read this and instantly thought to myself that forgiving and just moving on seemed so much better than holding on to a grudge and being hurt. I dealt with a girl that basically did the same thing and I called her out on her shit. That didn't work. In fact, it made me seem weak. Since then, I have been on numerous dates, slept with quite a few women and have lot's of female friends that adore me. I saw her at a salsa club and she was all over me. I smiled at her. Told her that it was nice to see her and I walked off. She tried texting me a few times asking when we would go on another "Salsa Date". I told her that I wasn't interested but that she looked beautiful and that I hope she's doing great. I was no longer bitter. It was great. She seemed really happy to see me and I was kind of sad to turn her down only cause I didn't want to hurt her. But I also thought, it wouldn't be worth dealing with her. She definitely saw that I went from being needy and bitter to being happy and living in abundance. It's true, everything you say. When you are bitter, you are hurt. No good comes from that feeling. Just more hurt. Learn to forgive, learn from the experience and move forward.

I follow guys like Davyd Wygant, Joshua Pellicier and Adam Gilad. Some of my favorite dating experts. Sir, you just became my favorite. If I ever meet you, I will buy you a beer. Cheers

Jay

lucifer's picture

Very interesting - what about reversing the bile on her?


Hmmm, that's a very interesting post and a very interesting story.

Actually it's so interesting because you read many FR and LR, but very few people deal with how they behaved when they have been stung the most, like in this case.

I'd like to know even better how did you feel there and the day after, how long did it take to you to get over it, how did you feel when she chased you and if you thought at all about "getting even" ( for example you might have met her again and treated her badly) or tell her fair and square what a bad behaviour she had...

On the latter, I think that it can be very purging to stand up and make it clear to people how badly they've behaved, maybe even on the spot.
I would share a story but I don't want to make this post too long and rather ask if you feel like "spilling your bile" can be a faster way to get over the bitterness.

Tomas's picture

Confession


Hi Chase,

let me talk a while about my own experience with bitterness. I was a stutterer as a was a child and actually even today I sometimes don't speak clean. It doesn't hold me from seduction. However I know that it's always affecting my success a little. I lose some women because I sometimes stutter.

Several days ago, I arranged a date online with a beautiful woman. We never talked over the phone, but I wanted to arrange details where I pick her up, so I called her 2 hours prior to the meeting. I actually don't stutter with women (or very little), but for some strange reason, I suddenly had a severe stutter on one word. It made me nervous. The result was that our date never happened and all was gone. If I knew, I could have arranged it over sms... and maybe we would be together now.

I am bitter for that, it wasn't the first time. But it will be ok soon, I'm sure. So I want to say to everyone over there - make your best in what you can change and accept that there are things you cannot change.

Tom

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