She Must Never Become Your Mission

never become your missionI happened upon an article entitled “An Open Letter To My Future Wife: How I Plan To Make You Happy Every Day Of Your Life” earlier today, written without a doubt very sincerely to the author’s imagined future wife – here’s a short excerpt:

I promise to do my best to make you beam daily, so count on many surprises. Your smile will be my priority. I get weak knees when anybody smiles, so just imagine the effort I will make to be the source of yours.

I promise I will always look at you with the same adoration as I did the moment I realized I loved you.

I promise to try to ignite the same sparkle in your eyes I see when you’re surprised, inspired, motivated or when you are about to lean in to kiss me.

I promise to hold your hand when we’re 80 years old with the same liveliness that I did when I crossed that line to hold yours for the first time. I vow never to let the excitement of dating me die down; I will surprise you with the location, the reason or the activity itself.

I promise to keep you guessing where we’re going next.  I promise to do my best always to interest you. I will keep reinventing myself, gaining new hobbies, new knowledge and new interests to keep you — and myself — entertained.

... and it goes on like this for quite a bit.

At the bottom of the article are plenty of Facebook comments from girls praising (sort of) the article, of course, saying things like:

never become your mission

never become your mission

never become your mission

There’s even a female commenter saying (jokingly) “Marry me!”

But of course, no one’s actually lining up to marry this guy... despite all he’s promised.

(Unless you think Jennifer Jimenez bleaches and curls her hair and throws on tight black party dresses to meet men like the article author:)

never become your mission

This despite the fact that he no doubt feels like he is unequivocally pitching himself as the “perfect partner.”

He will be praised and lauded on the Internet by women and some men alike, and will convince himself that he is on the right track – after all, so many women have told him as much.

Yet, he will continue to wait, patiently but in vain, for his future wife to arrive, lonely and confused, as time ticks by and all the women who’ve told him how cute and wonderful and adorable he is and how lucky his future wife will be go out and date other men who are not him and are not like him.

Thus, our article author here is a perfect cautionary tale to all men of the fact that she must never become your mission – because neither you nor she will be happy if she does (and she won’t be remotely attracted to you if ever she becomes your mission, too).

never become your mission

Many a lonely man has pledged himself in his mind (or on the Internet, as with our article author above) undyingly to whatever wonderful ideal dream woman should happen along to save him from his loneliness and celibacy like some kind of female superhero-slash-rescuer.

Whenever he finds her, he will give her absolutely the best relationship she could ever imagine. He will be perfect for her.

This is a sort of desperate man’s bargain – because the resource is so very scarce, I will do everything in my power to hold onto that resource once I finally have it in my hands, he says.

(I had similar thoughts myself when I was just a lonely teenager as well, as discussed in “Make Her Orgasm Hard from Sex in 8 Minutes or Less”, though for me, since I realized early in life that the road to a woman’s heart goes straight through her nethers, I focused on sexual technique rather than mastering the doting nice guy path)

Yet, there are some problems with this desperate gambit.

Scarcity Comes, Scarcity Goes

As a commenter (perhaps the only practically-minded / long-term thinking commenter in the whole comment thread there) points out to the article author in “Letter to My Future Wife”:

never become your mission

These promises of large future amounts of work tend to fall away rather rapidly once the scarce resource is in-hand and no longer scarce.

If you’ve ever been in a position to hire or bring aboard someone in a desperate position, you know the promises all too well:

  • “I will work X hours beyond the usual for the same amount of pay!”
  • “I will be working SO HARD for you every hour of the day without breaks!”
  • “I will give 1000% effort on every single thing I do for you!”

... but within a few months of having someone like this on the team, his production has fallen off dramatically and now he’s taking longer and longer lunch breaks and turning in fewer and fewer deliverables.

And those boundless future promises, that felt so set-in-stone to him when he made them? Well, they’ve since become something he kind of resents – how could he be so silly as to promise SO MUCH for just another job like this, and how could you have been such a dick as to think that this job you had to offer him was remotely worth all that?

This is due to a process known as acclimation, and it’s one everybody goes through. I first discussed acclimation here 3 years ago in this article: “Can Women Change Men... And What Happens When They Do?

The gist of acclimation is thus: people get used to their situations, and their emotions trend always back toward their pre-event levels.

So if you end up in prison, it’s going to feel horrible for a while, but after a time you’ll be back to feeling the same as you felt outside of prison – you will acclimate.

Likewise, if you acquire some shiny new bauble (or shiny new soul mate) that sends you over the moon at first, trust that with a little time you will be right back to feeling how you felt before you had it (or her).

And all those big commitments to work your bum off for the rest of your days that you made back in your desperation overpromise days, whether quietly in your own head or shouted from the mountaintops to everyone within a hundred mile radius?

They’re going to feel a lot more like a purposeless, needless burden than anything else.

Do Women Long for Servants?

Sometimes it seems like most of the men on the Internet all think they do.

That’s probably either because these men spend too much time reading what women say online instead of interacting with them in real life... or maybe they’ve spent too much time in the friend zone themselves and they don’t get to see how women interact with non-friend zoned men.

Yet, despite stories like that of “Shopping Guy”, while women would certainly like to have a stable of good, reliable, dependable men who will be there for them through thick and thin waiting in the wings for them (break the glass in case of emergency), they don’t want to SLEEP with these guys... or MARRY them.

They just want them hanging around in case they find themselves in a pinch, is all.

Don’t we all? If there was some semi-cute girl who was going to willingly, happily wait around for you, perpetually in love with you, and happy to volunteer to help you out with things whenever you needed and could use her help, would you tell her to scram and get lost because, well, screw her?

‘Course not. You’d relish the attention.

never become your missionBut here’s the thing about the kinds of men women want to date, sleep with, bear children for, and otherwise commit themselves to: they want the best of the best.

They want top caliber elite men.

And that doesn’t mean men who make them their primary mission... because a man who’s going to make his woman his primary mission is a man without a mission.

No; a woman wants a man who’s already on a mission; whose life is consumed by his need to do something greater than himself, and her, and everything else around them.

She wants to be swept up in a grand adventure, filled up with purpose, and given over to meaning and life and excellence.

And no woman can experience this with a man who “tries” to keep her excited by taking her hiking or to an amusement park... in lieu of actually BEING exciting, himself.

never become your mission

A woman wants to be included in your mission... she does not want to BE the mission.

Set aside the facts that:

  • You’re communicating that you are, at some level, living in non-abundance – you’re living in scarcity with women – if you make her your mission... and NO woman wants a man as her partner a man that other women all reject

  • She knows you’re only with her because you’re unsure, at the most primal level, of your ability to replace her – NOT because you have unlimited options and have chosen HER, specifically, as the very best of these

  • She knows you will give her sons who are weaker, more cowardly, and less able to pass on her genes to future generations than had she mated with a manlier man

  • You’re placing her upon a pedestal and asking her to be some kind of infallible being that you can worship as your existential purpose-giver and guiding light (and that’s a WHOLE lot of pressure she probably doesn’t really want or need)

Set all that aside, and look at some of the biggest things a woman wants in a man: she wants a man who isn’t there to cater to her and serve her and be led by her, but one who is there to LEAD, himself...

... and pretty quickly you can see quite clearly that she doesn’t want some guy who’s going to dote on her like a wet nurse on a sickly child.

She Desires the King, Not the Servant

Every woman aspires to be the queen.

But women do not attempt to become queens the same way men attempt to become kings.

Men want to lead armies, conquer adversaries, build empires, overcome insurmountable obstacles, and leave names for themselves that echo on down through eternity.

Women take the more practical path: they just want to catch the eye of the king, and capture his hand, attentions, and affection.

Some women do this by putting themselves in high status positions, to expose themselves to more high status men.

Some women do this by sneaking into a high caliber man’s stable in a mistress (or friend with benefits) role, hoping to fill the vacant queen spot, or to supplant the place of the current queen by either making the king fall more madly in love with her than he is with the queen, or by waiting around for the queen to get fed up with his dalliances with said mistress and leave him all to her.

Regardless, the distinctions are clear:

  • Men become kings by conquering and building territory, countries, businesses, movements, etc.

  • Women become queens by winning their kings

When a minstrel comes by and plays a song about how he would dote so lovingly on a woman if only he had her, unless he is exceedingly charming and sexy and she is feeling neglected in a loveless relationship (i.e., NOT single and looking), he doesn’t stand a chance.

Oh, she’ll praise his song and tell him what a sweetheart he is and how lucky the woman he finds to dote upon will be.

But she, herself be that woman? Never.

never become your mission

She can’t say why, exactly... it all sounds so good.

All she knows is, he just doesn’t do it for her.

The reason, of course, is that he is a servant – not a king.

The Purpose Vacuum

With the collapse of religion and the uprooting of most of the West’s citizens to big, anonymous cities, there’s been a large scale collapse in religion and tradition. The closest thing we have to these today are the media – Hollywood films and commercial advertisements, and these serve only the basest urges and do little to direct our lives or give them meaning.

Ernest Becker discusses the tendency of individuals in the modern world to attempt to replace the purpose religion gave them with “love” and “romance”, setting up romantic partners as their new “purposes” – the reason you get so crazy for that girl is because you have made her the new “purpose” of your life.

I talked about this in “I Don’t Chase ‘Em, I Replace ‘Em”, and discussed how to overcome it when you notice yourself doing it in “Can’t Stop Thinking About Her? Here’s Why You Need to Meet More Girls”; if you’re really paying attention, you may have noticed that the prescription in “Can’t Stop Thinking About Her” is actually to change your purpose: from “get her and be perfect for her” to “get good at girls.”

For many reasons, one of those purposes is at once both far healthier and far more achievable than the other.

Traditionally, women have wanted to find a man whose purpose matched their own (a religion, or political ambition, etc.). These days, in a world devoid of purpose, most women have an even more basic need than this: they want to find a man whose purpose they can align themselves with and attach themselves to.

Imagine how unsatisfying it is to a woman in search of a purpose to meet a man who wants her to be his purpose:

  • He will dote on her
  • Send her a thousand compliments and love notes
  • Strive endlessly to entertain and amuse her
  • Work to keep her as happy as he possibly can

... all because she is his PURPOSE.

How infinitely repulsive is that to someone who is in search of a purpose herself, to have some other hanger-on treating HER as HIS purpose?

Many of these men become hurt or incensed when they find women ungrateful for their attentions (see: Elliot Rodger). But of course women don’t want their attentions; they want the attentions of men with missions.

Missions that are not THEM.

This is why women are captivated by:

  • Artistic men caught up in writing stories or painting pictures
  • Busy, on-the-go businessmen caught up in building business empires
  • Gregarious, connected politicians swept up in campaigning and fundraising
  • Military men who are genuinely devoted to God and country

... and the like.

All these men have purposes that are bigger than “Mrs. Right.” They may still be hurt if a woman leaves, or rejects them, but when all’s said and done they have bigger fish to fry, and they can always just go get another girl.

And women love that.

They love it. Absolutely love it.

Because a girl knows that if she can get a man like THAT, not only is she getting herself a king... she is landing a man all the other women want and is beating out the female competition (and women are just as competitive as men are, when it comes to their spheres – men compete on material conquests, while women compete on the men they’ve acquired).

And... she now has a greater purpose she can attach herself to: whatever her man’s purpose is.

Ever meet one of those girl’s who’s hard into a sport (like baseball)? It’s invariably her ex-boyfriend’s favorite team (or occasionally her father’s).

Or how about, ever meet a female entrepreneur with a successful business? Chances are, she had an entrepreneurial ex or father at some point that armed her with this purpose and the necessary training.

Women inherit the purposes of the strong men in their lives. Yet, most women live in a world devoid of strong, purposed men... as such, they are always in search of these men.

Meanwhile, some guy coming to a girl singing about how he is going to devote his life to her and set all else aside to lay down for her benefit will send her running for the hills 99.9997216% of the time...

never become your mission

... and running straight into the arms instead of a far stronger man, and one whose life is filled with purpose.

She Wants to be Ignored for Good Reason

One of the funniest things you will discover is that women want to be ignored by a man, so long as their overall needs are being met and they can tell that you are confident in your ignoring of them to go pursue your mission.

This mission does not even have to be one that she fully understands, or endorses, though some understanding of your overarching goals and why you must accomplish them is useful for keeping her on board with them.

For instance, if you are running a new business or working a demanding job as a police officer or investment banker or military man deployed overseas and it’s taking up a lot of your time and you can’t be with her that much, if she knows that that is part of the plan and you are using this as a stepping stone to get somewhere even greater, almost every woman will support this wholeheartedly and be thrilled to be with such an ambitious man if your ambitions are sufficiently large enough for her.

(obviously, if she’s an office worker and you’re a police officer putting in 16-hour shifts, she’ll probably be off sleeping with some project manager at her firm making 3x your salary before you know it unless you have an extremely compelling reason for why you see her so infrequently and what you’re working toward with it; if you do though, and it’s because you are working your way up to police commissioner, then mayor, and she thinks you can do it, it’s going to be a very different story)

Give her something to get behind, and you don’t have to dote on her.

You don’t have to make her a million promises revolving around how entertained you will keep her and how you will tirelessly fight to stave off her boredom.

She’s not a goldfish. You don’t have to do everything for her.

And she will be happier if you don’t – she will value your time more, she will value you more, and she will be excited to be included in the great, purposeful adventure that is your life.

Most people are without purpose. If you can be the one that provides that missing purpose, you are doing something far more valuable for her than prioritizing her smile.

Instead, you are prioritizing her soul.

And that is what truly moves a woman and makes her want to affix herself to you, subscribe to your cause, and join you in your mission for as long as you both are happy having her as a part of this great adventure of yours.


Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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Anonymous's picture

Refreshing. I always remember something when I read your posts, Chase. Remembrance in the Buddhist sense. Thank you.

Sam2's picture

Very useful article!

However, there is a crucial question.

Is the "King" and "the purposed man" a provider or a lover for a woman?

My guess is that if a woman finds such a man, she will slot him to "boyfriend material", delay sex with him and if you refuse to be slotted as such, she will auto-reject and hate your guts for not giving her what she wanted (i.e. an exclusive relationship).

How can you solve this problem if you are indeed a desirable purposed man?

Franco's picture


Your confusion here is that you're thinking that these are details you want to convey to her BEFORE having sex with her. This is not the case. You want to remain the "mysterious, byronic man" that seems to have a purpose, although she isn't quite sure what that is yet.

Once you've bedded her and she's your lover, you can slowly peel away your inner layers and reveal more to her about what your goals and aspirations are. At that point, if she's your lover/girlfriend, she'll be a thousand more times likely to support and cherish what it is you do and/or want to do.

So the "King" is a provider for the woman... who has already proven to her that he's a lover as well.

- Franco

David Riley's picture

Hey Sam,

To build off Franco a bit more you greatly do yourself a huge disservice by laying all your cards on the table. She loses interest in the game because she knows your every move now. Nothing you do will come as a surprise to her. She'll become more aloof and coy. If you try to push harder by doing things you believe is right, she'll only show disdain. Women love discovering things for themselves. Don't rob the women the opportunity to gradually peel back your layers as France mentioned. If will only prolong her attraction for you. Being mysterious is one of the best things you can potentially do.

Take care,

Just Dave

J's picture

Hey guys quick question. Is hugging bad. will it actually hurt my chances for girls, also do dynamics change in high school. etc girls attraction, horniness, and relationships. Thanks all you for your input :)

David Riley's picture

Hey J,

This begs the question of what kind of hug are doing and for how long? Is she giving the sideways hug with the ass out? Or is she doing a hug where she wraps herself around you tightly?

When you first I would avoid hugging unless she initiates it because it will come off as too gamey. Now when you see a girl when you meet for a date, a hug is fine. If you're making out with a girl and hugging that's fine. If she's giving you a hug wise hug, that's a clear indication of being in the friend zone. Normally what I do when I leaving a party I hug girls who I actually made a connection with. Other girls who I barely talked to, I'll just wave unless they ask for a hug.

Dynamics do change after high school. In high school, I felt I could get away with a lot more girls were more forgiving. After all, we were both learning about male and female dynamics. After college you'll be dealing with more experience men and women. They'll aspect you to have your life together be a little more experienced too. Some of your first few lays may come from less experienced girls. More experienced girls who will either try friend zone you or slow game you. Experienced girls can spot inexperienced guys a mile away. The best I would recommend would be to continuously practice your game. After college it's even more different. You'll be competing against everyone in all plains. You'll be dealing with people at bars, clubs, bookstores, grocery stores. Women will be less forgiving, you'll either be someone who gets them or not.

The bright side to all this is if you continue to practice your game throughout life, you'll be fine. Look for opportunities when they come and learn from them. No one expects you to be perfect, but women aspect more from you as you get older.

Take care,

Just Dave

Xeno's picture

Hey Chase, great article as usual.

I'm a single guy in my early 30s and i've always been your stereotypical nice guy. Your website has been a reality check for me in terms of seeking human fulfillment. I've challenged both victim mentality and being too nice of a guy. So, thank you.

While i've still got a ways to go, i've grown in understanding and I consider myself an aware person. I'm also in an intense program of study and I don't really have a lot of extra time on my hands. In the last year or so, since trying to vanquish victim mentality and being a "nice guy," I find myself entering into private fits of rage when people disrespect me in the slightest or when I think people are rudely ignorant. My roommate plays a lot of video games and sometime I see him "rage quit." Instead of rage quitting in a video game, I rage quit/freak out in real life. Usually I contain my rage in public, but I boil in private. When I was a "nice guy" I feel as though I did not rage as much.

So, my question, do you experience this emotion and how do you successfully control it? Thank you.

David Riley's picture

Hey Xeno,

"Who angers you controls you." - Can't remember who said this

Anyway the best thing to do in these situations is to just shake it off. Other times depending where it is, you can call people out on it. "I would appreciate it if you . . ." It's never a good idea to tolerate bad behavior from people if you can help it. It's often better to distance yourself from people who can sometimes make you that angry. You can also join supports groups to control your anger as well. Even lifting helps or another hobby that may relieve some stress.

I am happy to hear that you aren't lashing out on people. It takes a very mature person ton control their anger. Sometimes you can even take time out your day to unwind. I normally sit in a quiet place in my house and just relax. Other days I hit the gym and go lifting. You have to find things that interests you. The most important thing to look at is letting it go. A lot of people who makes mad, we won't even see a again in life. Even if you do see them again, try to find common ground and work through your problems. There are many other positive ways to release anger. Many people like myself do it through art. You have to find a outlet that works for you.

Good luck,

Just Dave

moonriver's picture

Chase, this is f-ing brilliant.

The M's picture

Hi Chase and Dave,

Wonderful article as usual. When practically applying these ideas to your dates and hookups, would you just briefly convey your greater purpose (with humility), then move on to the sexy stuff? ;) A small example might help clear this up.

The M

David Riley's picture

Hey M,

I say things very gradually normally on a date I try to get a girl talking as much as possible. I may mention something a my musical interests briefly.

Me: So what do you like to do for fun?
Girl: Typical girl stuff
Me: Oh cool, *bored look*
Girl: Yeah, what do you do for fun?
Me: I do shows, did you say you live in Houston your whole life?
Girl: Yeah, what kinds of shows do you?
Me: Just music from time to time no big
Girl: Wow that's actually pretty cool
Me: Yeah have you ever done anything cool before?

I just mention it briefly in a non show off way.

Take care,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

Chase great article but its kinda making me over analyse a quick problem I have. I find getting girls via internet SO much harder than real life, where I have no problem. This is obviously better, but I met a girl who I really like on kik and she's just started ingoirng my messages. She told me she wanted to meet me and come over my house, but recently shes been ignoring my messages. She was often slightly blunt in her replies, yet eager to meet me. We're due to meet this Friday but I dont think itll happen now, should I wait a week and ask her again, we meeting or not? Or should I try be more open, like asking why she doesnt want to meet? (something tells me this isnt what i should do!) but if i just ignore her im 99% sure nothing will happen, she wants to be lead for sure, but i cant just harrass her with messages ...
thanks for your advice, used to read this a lot in high school but ive returned to the website in my time of crisis!
Cheers Chase

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

I would recommend waiting a week before pinging her again. Normally when it comes to online girls, they tend to flake a lot. This is why you have to message a good portion of online girls. Girls online are constantly getting hit up by potential suitors. A lot of girls just enjoy the conversation and aren't really serious about meeting up. For a lot of girls online is just a place to hang out. They like getting attention. Some girls may set up an online account just because they're mad at their boyfriends. Girls are always checking their options. Don't take it personal and don't over invest into one girl. Especially a girl whom you've never met in person. Anyway ping her again in a week, if she doesn't reply let her go. In the meantime talk to more girls to increase your own options. Women notice when men go missing and will often track you down themselves.

Take care,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

Great article, spot on and totally what I'm needing right now. Thanks for the value!

Got a question though - what if I don't have a real mission, a real purpose or even higher goals in my life right now? I want to get my degree, and that's about it for now. That will take at least the next 3-4 years, and I'm currently not planning ahead of that very much. I've got some ideas, but no real goals, no real purpose, no real mission. How do I get it?

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

Here is an outstanding article Chase wrote about conveying that.

Take care,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

One of my key issues is that I don't have passions. Take into account that the person writing this letter has done sky diving solo and has traveled a bit and also is into sports. Can also walk on his hands if he can brag about it. But, I honestly dont have any talent or anything to be excited about. I am not excited about sky diving I might like sports and like traveling but NO PASSION, NO TALENT (Think of Christina in Vicky Christina Barcelona). What is your advice here. In the end I still want someone in my life. The other thing being in nightclubs and parties it is hard to relate a bit how attraction works. I really start not seeing what women respond to. It is true that they respond to status in big ways. But, again to gain status you have to be in certain social situations or with certain talents. So, what can guys without these interest in lets say boat parties, and constant drinking parties and maybe a part of a fraternity can do????

Anonymous's picture

"Take into account that the person writing this letter has done sky diving solo and has traveled a bit and also is into sports."

to an average person who does not do those things will find you intriguing... sure you sky dive, like traveling and being into sports and you may not be passionate about it...but you can play it up and pretend you are passionate (into it) about it..for example

sky diving: says that you like to have excitement filled with adrenaline and doing it solo is a bonus... i don't think i have the balls to that!

traveling: says you like to experience other cultures and makes you more worldly

being into sports: watching or playing? if playing sports...well you can make it your goal to be good at it...if you like watching sports...shet if i

being an artist myself (painter, musician).. talent is overrated, its a skill no different than trying to be better with girls. There are fundamentals that you need to learn before you can become more advance.. you cannot write songs without learning how to play basic chords.... same way with art... you cannot paint masterpieces or draw without learning the basic fundamentals first.... .and this is where i am getting at... in my observation, when an average person who does not write music, paint, or etc.. they will see you as a confident person doing what your doing.. but in reality,, its not confidence...its just you doing the same thing over and over... to the average will look "effortless" aka sprezzatura and it really is used in art.

In my opinion... passion is something your into and wan't to improve in it... and if there is one passion you overlooked that you want to be better with women.. . Process = Success. Confidence = Byproduct
coupled that with edge and grit and being Bryonic at the same time.
Im digressing..but i hope you get the idea peace!

Bob's picture

Your article remind of a Vince Lombardi special that aired on NFL Network and there was a part about his wife who was truly upset that he didn't spend much time at home with her but she loved going to Lambeau Field on game days to see her man who was probably the best football coach of all time.She was deeply in love with him indeed.

David Riley's picture

"Women hate when you're away but get frustrated when you stay."

Women love having the opportunity to miss you and seeing you doing something great or spectacular. Reminds me when I would go out and do a show, but dedicate to my girlfriend of the time. They always lit up.

Just Dave

Nick Shaw's picture

Hi Chase,

I agree with your point that women should not become ones sole aim. That sounds cheesy as well. Life is a gift and one must make use of it by trying to do something substantial and leave ones mark behind.

At the same time women are important as well, for ones confidence and ego, as well as the inspiration to take risks and do what most other folks wont dare. Success with women definitely helps one in attaining ones mission.

So my question is, does one need to divide ones time among following ones mission (one) and learning how to get better with women and putting that into practice (two). Should these time slots be watertight compartments ie when one is working on ones mission, one does not philander and when one is seducing women, one leaves ones mission in the backseat. If so, what should the right ratio be. My perception is that one should spend 80% of ones time in following ones mission and twenty percent of time with women.

However for me at least inertia plays a big part as well. For example when on a roll, I pick up one women after another. At other times, my mission which is studying for an advanced degree, becomes overriding. My studies become so interesting that I don't feel like going out and meeting women.

Any suggestions.


David Riley's picture

But your mission is Eternal.

Hey Nick,

On a given day my missions stayed consistent, the thing that's change is my love interest from various times in my life. Think of it like James Bond, he's constantly going on another mission but there's always another girl. You don't want to spend your life worrying about a girl. Women find that so attractive. The mindset you want to have is, "I want you but I don't need."

Just Dave

Austin's picture

Hey guys,

referring to this article + Don`t hurt a women ...i`ve a question Is it okay to reveal to women that you are not a long term relation type material (explicitly). ie You are gonna give her the incredible experience of her life without warranty.

David Riley's picture

Hey Austin,

That's perfectly fine, women will get upset if a man has promised something and doesn't give it to her. If a man if upfront and honest with her, she won't lash out. I told a girl recently, I would love to date her but I wouldn't want a distance relationship. She perfectly understood and we hung out for as long as I was in town. Women will accuse men who break promises of being liars. It's always better to be upfront with a girl no matter how bad you think it might sound.

Take care,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

Can relate to that from experience
I was deeply in love with one girl, to the point where unfortunately she became my mission... obviously she left me

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

Glad you realized you mistake so that you won't make it again in the future.

Just Dave

J's picture

Thanks david, i usually open my arms out and they come into me and hug me. one girl in particular i do this with ani feel a little squeeze most of the time but shes never done ass out I dunno if its because I hold girls by their hips when I hug but I understand that and more, thinking about messing around with her lol Thanks again David

David Riley's picture

Hey J,

No worries and good luck on attempting to bed and I hope things go well for you.

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

hi chase,

i have a question....

so obviously there is a lot of conflicting advice out there. most of it seems to fall into two camps: be masculine and take action, or play games and make her chase. i think both work and work under different circumstances, but would you be able to offer any high level formula for understanding when to push forward and when to step back?

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

I'm going to share with you an article that Chase wrote about escalation windows.

The other article also from Chase I want to share is push-pull

Let me know if that answers your questions. I found these articles to be the most relevant to what you were asking.

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

don't different strategies work on different women? an insecure woman with less options will respond and invest more to "game playing" whereas a secure woman with many options probably won't even care or notice game playing and might move on to the next guy who takes action first. if there is a cat and mouse situation, it might work but what happens when both people are trying to have the upper hand? both end up playing games and nothing happens at the end.

how does this apply to something more long term like a relationship as well?

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

For long term games in relationships, take a look at this article

Now as far as two people having the upper hand check out this article on Leaving things to chance

I would also recommend on the article on power struggles

Take care,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

One of the best articles on GC. Really opened my eyes and hopefully will change the way I act as well. Thanks a LOT Chase !!!!

Nuncle's picture

Hi Chase

What is your opinion of what is going on when a man (like me) is not particularly romantic and doesn't aspire to devote his life to a woman as a general life goal, but who nevertheless falls hard for one every few years and then does have that goal in relation to her?

Mostly I would aspire to live the life of a playboy but occassionally, much against my will, I end up falling unconditionally for a damaged woman and putting her on a pedestal.

In between these times I have plenty of perfectly lovely, attractive women coming into my life and they don't have any effect on me apart from temporary lust.



Nuncle's picture

Thanks Dave.

Yes, very useful, although logic often gives way before Cupid's onslaught!

The thing with me is, the majority of the time I am very much not like the dude who wrote the piece referenced in the article.

But I do sometimes lose my head over one girl and I don't think it's an abundance issue because at other times quite high value girls flirt with me and I'm not that arsed about it.

David Riley's picture

No Worries Nuncle,

A lot of times as guys we the girls we have to work because we like the challenge. Of course there is a thin line because a challenge and impossible task. The average girl has been working on her game way longer than a guy has been working on his. Guys tend to have a go with the flow feel when it comes to relationships and women. Women on the other hand put a lot of time and work to obtain the guy they want. As a result a lot of women know how to make guys fall hard for them. They like the attention the man gives them. Franco once mentioned that a woman will never say herself, "You know what I have enough mail attention." They always want more. They're always seeking a better mate. On the flip side the same could be said of men as well. Just something to think about.

Take care,

Just Dave

Just Dave

Nuncle's picture

Thanks Brew

Anonymous's picture

I'm just curious on the life of women, as in relationships or being single or whatnot. Such as what do they do in long distance relationships? What do they do when they are single? What do they do in their free time? In general? I know every girl is different, but I just want to know what is their pattern with stuff that is different than men...if I'm not sounding too creepy.

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

Regular Guys and Regular Relationships:

A lot of women live very uninteresting lives for the most part. For the most part the average woman between the ages 18 to 24 usually is working and going to school. She may come watch some Netflix and eat some food while on the couch. She may go to the gym or surround herself with friends. She may go shopping on occasion but that's not a everyday thing. She may even go on trips with family and friends. Most days she's stuck in the repetitive cycle of class or work. She's just going on her day in auto pilot until she meets a great an interesting man. That's when she has something interesting happen to her. She'll meet some guys and enjoy their attention. However, unless they're different and something special she won't remember them. Keep in mind tons of guys are hitting on her left and right if she's reasonably attractive.

When she gets in a relationship she'll still have guys hit on her, but if she's dating a strong and sexy man she'll be thinking of him. If she's faithful she'll brush off the guys. The reason because she wants to spend time with her man. Now if the guys is a "girlschase" type of man, she'll be thinking about him all day and night. She will be so eager to see him again and talk to him. She maybe looking at his Facebook pictures and talking to her friends about him. She will be talking their ears off about him. However, if the guy is not a "girlschase" type of guy the relationship will get dull and boring. She'll grow tired of her man who she's slowly losing interest for. Then she'll start paying attention to the guys who hit on her. She wants to feel wanted and feel the challenge. She may break up with her boyfriend or cheat with a better stronger male.

From there she'll try to tame the new male and forget the old one. Women have a biological clock so she doesn't have time for dry and boring relationships. She wants a guy to excite her and not bore her to death. If she's not able to tame the man, she'll go back to the guy she dumped or find another guy. If she gets the new guy, the cycle repeats itself. Eventually, she'll tame the new guy and life will get boring again for her. You see Anon women are creatures of changes. They hate repetitiveness and like fiend they're waiting for the next big thing. Guys love stability and hopes things never change, women hope that they do.

Distance Relationships: Same as the above part but she'll miss you more since you won't see her everyday. On the flip side she'll complain that she doesn't see you as often as she likes. She'll try to come visit you or have you come visit her more. She'll get fussy when you have to leave, and cry when you don't answer the phone. When she sees you if she's been faithful will love you more and more each time. When the distance becomes too unbearable, she'll either leave the relationship or make the man close the distance. Now distance relationships are harder because if she gets mad she won't want to talk to you. The only problem with that is you're in a distance relationships. Normally, when talking ceases the relationship ceases. She may get mad when she finds out her boyfriend cheated on her and will cheat on him. She may stay in the relationship or leave. Either way the cycle will repeat itself.

Conclusion: If it sounds like a dark and emotional relationship it's not. I was giving you a very real and honest perspective. The upside is when you're a girlschase man, you won't have to feel the pain that a lot of guys feel. The reason being is because you don't get mad at women being women. You seek to take women out of atuo pilot and give her an amazing experience. If things come to an end, you say goodbye and move on with life. Then you find another girl and your cycle repeats itself.

Troy's picture


Every now and again i get a number from a girl (or she asks me my number) and we start texting. Most of these girls dont have a problem meeting me in person but they will text me 7 days a week and we text for 3 hours. as a high school guy, i only game girls in close age range.

It sounds bizarre to text for about 15 hours a week. I am generally busy plus lazy and i hate spending hours punching away at my phone. The problem comes up when i dont want to ignore the texts, let girls attraction expire, or teach them to treat me badly. I read the articles on texting but it doesnt address this question.

Phone calls are another problem because my family is always nearby and they eavesdrop on my conversations. My community is extremely dangerous to go out at night so i cant go walk to get away from my family. Night is the only free time i have.

Even though i hate texting, i am afraid of phone calls. Im not a natural blabber mouth who always keeps finding topics to go on. In person is better but i have approach anxiety, extreme. Phone calls are my best bet but calling charges are high in my country. US $1.15 call credit gives me 30 minutes call time. I get us $4.01 five days a week for lunch money which is very small so i cant buy a lot of call card daily.

Now with texting, in my country they have us 0.20 cents gives u 200 free texts. cheap cheap!

Text takes too much time and im busy

Phone calls are almost impossible because of privacy issues

I keep losing girls when they text me a lot but i dont have a lot of time to think up fun txts to reply. Most times i just text boring everyday stuff and the girl does the same. My instincts tell me you are going to say tell her to meet me but school makes time limited and most parents want there girls home early. We live in the age where high school girls just text all day long. How can i finish text conversations on a high note? How can i explain to girls that i dont like texting a lot without hurting them and scaring them off?
Tips on all this?


David Riley's picture

Hey Troy,

Okay to address your texting problem you can cut conversations short by saying you have to do things with your family or are on your way to do something. Girls will completely respect that, it's a great time restraint. Especially when you're in your high school years because girls completely understand that. Just tell them, "Hey I gotta go help my dad with something and it will take a couple hours." or "Hey my mom needs me to run some errands for her." Girls will completely get we're you're coming from. Another thing to keep in mind is you want to be building rapport in person. You don't want to be the guy who's just known as texting a girl. You want to actually try to get to know her in person. I know you have a very busy schedule and I can relate to parents wanting their kids back early. I would try to meet girls during hours of the day you're free.

If a girl doesn't want to meet up in person and would rather text you, cut her off. Only reward the girls who make an effort to meet up by texting. Girls like having guys to talk to because it makes them feel appreciated and wanted. This is a common trend you'll see in the high school age. Now for tips on phone calls, if you could possibly sneak into your bedroom, try it. I know you share your room with your bro, its cool. Because girls love when there is stuff going on in the background because it makes you seem busy. This will always make the phone calls short. "Hey, I gotta do something for my bro. Talk to you later." This will help you save on the minutes you use. A lot of times Troy, we just have to work with what we got. However, you have a decent amount to work with. I would suggest focusing on the girls who are investing in you and talk to them. Give a little less time to the girls trying to consume it and not give anything back. You can still be friends but put them on the back burner.

Take care,

Just Dave

MonsterzRock's picture

Hey Guys,

Can someone point to one of Chase's older articles that talks more about having your mission and developing it? It's not the "The Purpose of Life..." or "The Important of Purpose" that's already linked here in the comments. I could've sworn there was an older article that talked about missions and gave some short examples. Thanks...

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