She Must Never Become Your Mission
I happened upon an article entitled “An Open Letter To My Future Wife: How I Plan To Make You Happy Every Day Of Your Life” earlier today, written without a doubt very sincerely to the author’s imagined future wife – here’s a short excerpt:
“I promise to do my best to make you beam daily, so count on many surprises. Your smile will be my priority. I get weak knees when anybody smiles, so just imagine the effort I will make to be the source of yours.
I promise I will always look at you with the same adoration as I did the moment I realized I loved you.
I promise to try to ignite the same sparkle in your eyes I see when you’re surprised, inspired, motivated or when you are about to lean in to kiss me.
I promise to hold your hand when we’re 80 years old with the same liveliness that I did when I crossed that line to hold yours for the first time. I vow never to let the excitement of dating me die down; I will surprise you with the location, the reason or the activity itself.
I promise to keep you guessing where we’re going next. I promise to do my best always to interest you. I will keep reinventing myself, gaining new hobbies, new knowledge and new interests to keep you — and myself — entertained.”
... and it goes on like this for quite a bit.
At the bottom of the article are plenty of Facebook comments from girls praising (sort of) the article, of course, saying things like:
There’s even a female commenter saying (jokingly) “Marry me!”
But of course, no one’s actually lining up to marry this guy... despite all he’s promised.
(Unless you think Jennifer Jimenez bleaches and curls her hair and throws on tight black party dresses to meet men like the article author:)
This despite the fact that he no doubt feels like he is unequivocally pitching himself as the “perfect partner.”
He will be praised and lauded on the Internet by women and some men
alike, and will
convince himself that he is on the right track – after all, so many
women have told him as much.
Yet, he will continue to wait, patiently but in vain, for his future wife to arrive, lonely and confused, as time ticks by and all the women who’ve told him how cute and wonderful and adorable he is and how lucky his future wife will be go out and date other men who are not him and are not like him.
Thus, our article author here is a perfect cautionary tale to all men of the fact that she must never become your mission – because neither you nor she will be happy if she does (and she won’t be remotely attracted to you if ever she becomes your mission, too).
Many a lonely man has pledged himself in his mind (or on the Internet, as with our article author above) undyingly to whatever wonderful ideal dream woman should happen along to save him from his loneliness and celibacy like some kind of female superhero-slash-rescuer.
Whenever he finds her, he will give her absolutely the best relationship she could ever imagine. He will be perfect for her.
This is a sort of desperate man’s bargain – because the resource is so very scarce, I will do everything in my power to hold onto that resource once I finally have it in my hands, he says.
(I had similar thoughts myself when I was just a lonely teenager as well, as discussed in “Make Her Orgasm Hard from Sex in 8 Minutes or Less”, though for me, since I realized early in life that the road to a woman’s heart goes straight through her nethers, I focused on sexual technique rather than mastering the doting nice guy path)
Yet, there are some problems with this desperate gambit.
Scarcity Comes, Scarcity Goes
As a commenter (perhaps the only practically-minded / long-term thinking commenter in the whole comment thread there) points out to the article author in “Letter to My Future Wife”:
These promises of large future amounts of work tend to fall away rather rapidly once the scarce resource is in-hand and no longer scarce.
If you’ve ever been in a position to hire or bring aboard someone in a desperate position, you know the promises all too well:
- “I will work X hours beyond the usual for the same amount of pay!”
- “I will be working SO HARD for you every hour of the day without breaks!”
- “I will give 1000% effort on every single thing I do for
... but within a few months of having someone like this on the team, his production has fallen off dramatically and now he’s taking longer and longer lunch breaks and turning in fewer and fewer deliverables.
And those boundless future promises, that felt so set-in-stone to him when he made them? Well, they’ve since become something he kind of resents – how could he be so silly as to promise SO MUCH for just another job like this, and how could you have been such a dick as to think that this job you had to offer him was remotely worth all that?
This is due to a process known as acclimation, and it’s one everybody goes through. I first discussed acclimation here 3 years ago in this article: “Can Women Change Men... And What Happens When They Do?”
The gist of acclimation is thus: people get used to their situations, and their emotions trend always back toward their pre-event levels.
So if you end up in prison, it’s going to feel horrible for a while,
but after a time you’ll be back to feeling the same as you felt outside of prison – you will
Likewise, if you acquire some shiny new bauble (or shiny new soul mate) that sends you over the moon at first, trust that with a little time you will be right back to feeling how you felt before you had it (or her).
And all those big commitments to work your bum off for the rest of your days that you made back in your desperation overpromise days, whether quietly in your own head or shouted from the mountaintops to everyone within a hundred mile radius?
They’re going to feel a lot more like a purposeless, needless burden than anything else.
Do Women Long for Servants?
Sometimes it seems like most of the men on the Internet all think they do.
That’s probably either because these men spend too much time reading what women say online instead of interacting with them in real life... or maybe they’ve spent too much time in the friend zone themselves and they don’t get to see how women interact with non-friend zoned men.
Yet, despite stories like that of “Shopping Guy”, while women would certainly like to have a stable of good, reliable, dependable men who will be there for them through thick and thin waiting in the wings for them (break the glass in case of emergency), they don’t want to SLEEP with these guys... or MARRY them.
They just want them hanging around in case they find themselves in a pinch, is all.
Don’t we all? If there was some semi-cute girl who was going to willingly, happily wait around for you, perpetually in love with you, and happy to volunteer to help you out with things whenever you needed and could use her help, would you tell her to scram and get lost because, well, screw her?
‘Course not. You’d relish the attention.
But here’s the thing about the kinds of men women want to date, sleep with, bear children for, and otherwise commit themselves to: they want the best of the best.
They want top caliber elite men.
And that doesn’t mean men who make them their primary mission... because a man who’s going to make his woman his primary mission is a man without a mission.
No; a woman wants a man who’s already on a mission; whose life is consumed by his need to do something greater than himself, and her, and everything else around them.
She wants to be swept up in a grand adventure, filled up with purpose, and given over to meaning and life and excellence.
And no woman can experience this with a man who “tries” to keep her excited by taking her hiking or to an amusement park... in lieu of actually BEING exciting, himself.
A woman wants to be included in your mission... she does not want to BE the mission.
Set aside the facts that:
You’re communicating that you are, at some level, living in non-abundance – you’re living in scarcity with women – if you make her your mission... and NO woman wants a man as her partner a man that other women all reject
She knows you’re only with her because you’re unsure, at the most primal level, of your ability to replace her – NOT because you have unlimited options and have chosen HER, specifically, as the very best of these
She knows you will give her sons who are weaker, more cowardly, and less able to pass on her genes to future generations than had she mated with a manlier man
You’re placing her upon a pedestal and asking her to be some kind of infallible being that you can worship as your existential purpose-giver and guiding light (and that’s a WHOLE lot of pressure she probably doesn’t really want or need)
Set all that aside, and look at some of the biggest things a woman wants in a man: she wants a man who isn’t there to cater to her and serve her and be led by her, but one who is there to LEAD, himself...
... and pretty quickly you can see quite clearly that she doesn’t
want some guy who’s going to dote on her like a wet nurse on a sickly
She Desires the King, Not the Servant
Every woman aspires to be the queen.
But women do not attempt to become queens the same way men attempt to become kings.
Men want to lead armies, conquer adversaries, build empires, overcome insurmountable obstacles, and leave names for themselves that echo on down through eternity.
Women take the more practical path: they just want to catch the eye of the king, and capture his hand, attentions, and affection.
Some women do this by putting themselves in high status positions, to expose themselves to more high status men.
Some women do this by sneaking into a high caliber man’s stable in a mistress (or friend with benefits) role, hoping to fill the vacant queen spot, or to supplant the place of the current queen by either making the king fall more madly in love with her than he is with the queen, or by waiting around for the queen to get fed up with his dalliances with said mistress and leave him all to her.
Regardless, the distinctions are clear:
Men become kings by conquering and building territory, countries, businesses, movements, etc.
Women become queens by winning their kings
When a minstrel comes by and plays a song about how he would dote so lovingly on a woman if only he had her, unless he is exceedingly charming and sexy and she is feeling neglected in a loveless relationship (i.e., NOT single and looking), he doesn’t stand a chance.
Oh, she’ll praise his song and tell him what a sweetheart he is and how lucky the woman he finds to dote upon will be.
But she, herself be that woman? Never.
She can’t say why, exactly... it all sounds so good.
All she knows is, he just doesn’t do it for her.
The reason, of course, is that he is a servant – not a king.
The Purpose Vacuum
With the collapse of religion and the uprooting of most of the West’s citizens to big, anonymous cities, there’s been a large scale collapse in religion and tradition. The closest thing we have to these today are the media – Hollywood films and commercial advertisements, and these serve only the basest urges and do little to direct our lives or give them meaning.
Ernest Becker discusses the tendency of individuals in the modern world to attempt to replace the purpose religion gave them with “love” and “romance”, setting up romantic partners as their new “purposes” – the reason you get so crazy for that girl is because you have made her the new “purpose” of your life.
I talked about this in “I Don’t Chase ‘Em, I Replace ‘Em”, and discussed how to overcome it when you notice yourself doing it in “Can’t Stop Thinking About Her? Here’s Why You Need to Meet More Girls”; if you’re really paying attention, you may have noticed that the prescription in “Can’t Stop Thinking About Her” is actually to change your purpose: from “get her and be perfect for her” to “get good at girls.”
For many reasons, one of those purposes is at once both far healthier and far more achievable than the other.
Traditionally, women have wanted to find a man whose purpose matched their own (a religion, or political ambition, etc.). These days, in a world devoid of purpose, most women have an even more basic need than this: they want to find a man whose purpose they can align themselves with and attach themselves to.
Imagine how unsatisfying it is to a woman in search of a purpose to meet a man who wants her to be his purpose:
- He will dote on her
- Send her a thousand compliments and love notes
- Strive endlessly to entertain and amuse her
- Work to keep her as happy as he possibly can
... all because she is his PURPOSE.
How infinitely repulsive is that to someone who is in search of a purpose herself, to have some other hanger-on treating HER as HIS purpose?
Many of these men become hurt or incensed when they find women ungrateful for their attentions (see: Elliot Rodger). But of course women don’t want their attentions; they want the attentions of men with missions.
Missions that are not THEM.
This is why women are captivated by:
- Artistic men caught up in writing stories or painting pictures
- Busy, on-the-go businessmen caught up in building business empires
- Gregarious, connected politicians swept up in campaigning and fundraising
- Military men who are genuinely devoted to God and country
... and the like.
All these men have purposes that are bigger than “Mrs. Right.” They may still be hurt if a woman leaves, or rejects them, but when all’s said and done they have bigger fish to fry, and they can always just go get another girl.
And women love that.
They love it. Absolutely love it.
Because a girl knows that if she can get a man like THAT, not only is she getting herself a king... she is landing a man all the other women want and is beating out the female competition (and women are just as competitive as men are, when it comes to their spheres – men compete on material conquests, while women compete on the men they’ve acquired).
And... she now has a greater purpose she can attach herself to: whatever her man’s purpose is.
Ever meet one of those girl’s who’s hard into a sport (like baseball)? It’s invariably her ex-boyfriend’s favorite team (or occasionally her father’s).
Or how about, ever meet a female entrepreneur with a successful business? Chances are, she had an entrepreneurial ex or father at some point that armed her with this purpose and the necessary training.
Women inherit the purposes of the strong men in their lives. Yet, most women live in a world devoid of strong, purposed men... as such, they are always in search of these men.
Meanwhile, some guy coming to a girl singing about how he is going to devote his life to her and set all else aside to lay down for her benefit will send her running for the hills 99.9997216% of the time...
... and running straight into the arms instead of a far stronger man, and one whose life is filled with purpose.
She Wants to be Ignored for Good Reason
One of the funniest things you will discover is that women want to be ignored by a man, so long as their overall needs are being met and they can tell that you are confident in your ignoring of them to go pursue your mission.
This mission does not even have to be one that she fully understands, or endorses, though some understanding of your overarching goals and why you must accomplish them is useful for keeping her on board with them.
For instance, if you are running a new business or working a demanding job as a police officer or investment banker or military man deployed overseas and it’s taking up a lot of your time and you can’t be with her that much, if she knows that that is part of the plan and you are using this as a stepping stone to get somewhere even greater, almost every woman will support this wholeheartedly and be thrilled to be with such an ambitious man if your ambitions are sufficiently large enough for her.
(obviously, if she’s an office worker and you’re a police officer putting in 16-hour shifts, she’ll probably be off sleeping with some project manager at her firm making 3x your salary before you know it unless you have an extremely compelling reason for why you see her so infrequently and what you’re working toward with it; if you do though, and it’s because you are working your way up to police commissioner, then mayor, and she thinks you can do it, it’s going to be a very different story)
Give her something to get behind, and you don’t have to dote on her.
You don’t have to make her a million promises revolving around how entertained you will keep her and how you will tirelessly fight to stave off her boredom.
She’s not a goldfish. You don’t have to do everything for her.
And she will be happier if you don’t – she will value your time more, she will value you more, and she will be excited to be included in the great, purposeful adventure that is your life.
Most people are without purpose. If you can be the one that provides that missing purpose, you are doing something far more valuable for her than prioritizing her smile.
Instead, you are prioritizing her soul.
And that is what truly moves a woman and makes her want to affix herself to you, subscribe to your cause, and join you in your mission for as long as you both are happy having her as a part of this great adventure of yours.
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