The 3 Big Benefits of Polyamory


For the article, I am going to refrain from hammering you with numbers and statistics. If you're curious about divorce rates, child custody and alimony, that information is free on the Internet. I encourage you to find and digest it yourself, but that will not be the focus today.

Rather, the topic for today is going to be the two major forms of romantic relationships: monogamous, and non-monogamous.

polyamory

I will be offering you some insight into how each operates, as well as giving you some ideas about why I personally think that non-monogamy is the way to go. At the end, should some part of this article persuade you to explore non-monogamy, I will also cover how to go about it ethically so that there is no lying, cheating, or drama involved.

What's that, you say? Multiple relationships with no lying or cheating involved? Yep. I've been with more than my fair share of women, and I've never cheated on anyone - nor been cheated on - in my entire life. Ethical non-monogamy is how.


polyamory

Let's start with the (arguably) most common type of relationship, and what the major drawbacks of it are (hint: there's not a lot of wiggle room for variety or even complete honesty).

After that, we'll take a breeze through some of the less commonplace relationship setups that a number of people still nevertheless enjoy - and swear by. And there are a lot more variations on these alternatives than you might think.


#1: Monogamous Relationships

This is the norm for most cultures of the world. A guy and a girl pair up. They start hooking up, or maybe they were before they entered a relationship. At some point, a "Contract of Exclusivity" is introduced. Usually by the guy, but also by the girl a lot of the time.

At that point, they date exclusively for several months. Then they begin to talk about a "future together," at which points tentative plans are made to move in together, get married, and have children.

That's basically it. There is no real room for variation in monogamous relationships, as the template has been laid out for you by the entire rest of the world. Both parties know how they go and where they're supposed to lead.

Of course, since people are always going to be attracted to other people, there is inherent deception involved. Hiding your attraction to other people, in order to convince your partner that you "have eyes only for them." Punishment, drama and breakups if either party is caught engaging physically with other people. If you're married at that point, it can mean divorce, which - for a guy - can mean losing half your stuff.

So that's monogamy for you. I realize I have taken the "magic" and Disney out of it, but this site is about pragmatic approaches to relationships; about what they are, not what we may want them to be.

Then, on the other side of the coin, we have…


#2: Non-Monogamous Relationships

To be perfectly honest, there is way too much ground to cover on this topic for the likes of one article. As such, it is my intention to simply give you guys and gals a brief introduction to the lifestyle and its variants.

To begin with, unlike monogamy, there are a multitude of variations for non-monogamous relationships. To name just a few, there's:

  • Polyamory (multiple loving relationships at once),

  • Polygamy (one man with multiple wives),

  • Polyandry (one wife with multiple husbands… like they could deal with that!),

  • Swinging (going to sex parties together),

  • Solo polyamory (what PUAs do, being the only "constant" in multiple simultaneous relationships), and

  • Partnered non-monogamy (which is given the umbrella term "open relationship").

... and these are what the remainder of this article is all about.

Below, I'm going to give you an overview of just what's "good" about a less conventional relationship setup like one of these, to better equip you to make the best decision possible for you about what kind of relationship(s) you want to have with the women in your life.

So buckle up.


polyamory

There are three (3) core benefits to a non-monogamous relationship setup, and as you might expect, they're quite a bit divorced from the benefits of a monogamous setup.

The easiest way to differentiate the two might be to say that monogamy is about control, while non-monogamy is about freedom.

Which of the two you pursue comes down a lot more to what path is more compelling to you.

Here's polyamory's big benefit #1: Choose Your Own Adventure, relationship-style.


Benefit #1: Create Your Own Relationship

Right off the bat, exploring the non-monogamous lifestyle introduces to you a whole range of options. No one style is any more "right" than any other, and it is completely up to the individuals involved to create whatever relationship. Society does not have a template for non-monogamy. To go against the grain takes honesty, genuine introspection for what you desire, and the ability to assert those desires respectfully to others. It is tricky and difficult, but is also the path to romantic freedom.

Because so many forms exist, some of which I mentioned above, it is completely up to the two individuals involved to decide on the relationship that works best for their particular quirks, personalities, needs, and sexual desires.

Let's say a guy and a girl get together. They love each other, and want each other to be happy. However, the female does not like anal sex, which the male strongly desires. In a monogamous relationship, he's out of luck. Unless he can convince her to do it… otherwise, sorry, pal - no dice.

In a non-monogamous relationship, the guy can seek out a woman on the side to have anal sex with, with the full consent and knowledge of his primary partner, whilst maintaining the original relationship with no drama about it.

This is actually quite a common reason for either establishing a non-monogamous relationship or "opening one up:" one or both partners have sexual desires the other is not comfortable with, so they seek that particular kind of sex with outside partners. This happens more often than you think, guys.

Your girlfriend doesn't like bondage? No problem; your friend-with-benefits can't even get wet unless she's strapped to your mattress.

polyamory

If you can imagine that situation, with everyone on the same page and zero deceit or lying involved, you are beginning to get a sense of just how awesome non-monogamy truly is.

I mentioned before that this is extremely difficult (it gets easier). It is, especially if you're used to the mono-normative style of relationship, where everyone walks on eggshells about potential outside partners (or subtly mentions them in jealousy plots). When you have to actually sit down and have the conversation about how you desire outside sexual activities of a particular nature, and process those boundaries with someone you really care about, it can be nothing short of terrifying.

However, once you begin to practice ethical non-monogamy, you'll realize that it truly does feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your chest, provided you find someone you are compatible with.

So that's one primary reason: you get to decide what your relationship looks like. Not TV. Not Hollywood. Not your parents. Not your Church.

Just you, and the person you love.

That being said, it's far from the only reason to consider going poly, or at least giving it a try. There's also…


Benefit #2: She Will be Attracted to You for Far Longer

It is well-known within these circles that female attraction has an expiration date (even inside of sexual relationships). There is a well-documented number of ways to either speed up that decay process, or make it last longer. We know that pretty much nothing dries up a vagina quite like a man who becomes needy and dependent as a result of one woman's being his only source of intimacy.

A "kept" man has no options, and his woman knows this. She has nothing to fear, no reason to be jealous, and no reason to even be suspicious that he might be attracting other women.

In other words, she has no reason to find him attractive.

A man in a non-monogamous relationship, or a practitioner of solo polyamory, always has at least one other option. If you're upfront about it, or behave in a way which successfully implies it, your woman/women will never for a moment doubt that you have other options. Her competition anxiety will always remain high, which means she'll be strongly attracted to you and for a very long time (unless you completely submit to her / relinquish all the relationship control).

Tell me guys… how many "headaches" does a woman get, when she knows her man can simply kick her out and call over another woman to have sex with in very short order?

Answer: 0. Zero headaches. She is always in the mood.

My ex-girlfriend, one of my first adventures in open relationships, was once sitting on top of me in bed. I began escalating towards sex, and she told me that she "wasn't really feeling it right now."

I put my hand on her shoulder, said "no worries" as I pushed her off, and reached for my phone.

"What are you doing?" she asked anxiously.

"I'm definitely feeling it right now, so I'm going to call someone else who's feeling it and hang out with them. Maybe you and I can chill later on tonight."

You guys should have seen the look on her face.

In the entire rest of our relationship, she was never once "not really feeling it right now," ever again. Guys, those headaches and "not in the mood's" are power plays. It takes a few minutes of foreplay for a woman to be aroused enough to want sex, if she isn't already. When she plays that card, she's testing your mettle. So play your bigger, shinier card: if you won't do it, miss, someone else will. Game over.

Anyway, that's somewhat beside the point, but my example illustrates the concept well. That was back when I was still trying to figure out how to communicate within an open relationship, a journey I suspect will be years-long in the end. She knew I was seeing other girls, but I had never really discussed it with her. Had we processed things even a little bit earlier on, I am convinced that event would never have happened.

Competition anxiety causes girls to be horny for you. Though they'll never admit it, being jealous turns them on, and their lady-parts tingle at the thought that you have easy access to other lady-parts. Give them a reason to compete for you, and they will do their absolute best.

So far, let's sum up two reasons I encourage men - and honestly, women as well - to at least try out polyamory for a while:

  1. You get to decide what your relationship looks like, and

  2. Your woman/women will be attracted to you far longer, and with more passion.

If that's not enough reason to convert you yet, the third concept in this article is…


#3: Group Sex

In my two of my last articles, I went over the ins, outs, and upside-down-blowjobs of how to have threesomes with your girlfriend. In the first part of that series, I mentioned that it is far easier to have group sex when you are not in a monogamous relationship. (Technically, the moment you engage in group sex, your relationship is no longer monogamous)

polyamory

When two people are honest about the fact that they are attracted to other people (rare in monogamous relationships), can have open discussions about whom they'd like to bang (even rarer in monogamous relationships), and can actually proposition said people for group sex, the entire process is a thousand times easier than having to explain to your monogamous girlfriend why you're "suddenly" interested in other women.

It's almost a guaranteed drama-fest, though it can still happen. And does, a lot.

This way avoids the drama though, and builds on the trust and openness that is the foundation of ethical polyamory to begin with.


Ethical, Beneficial Polyamory

Our three big benefits of polyamory thus are:

  1. You get to decide what your relationship looks like, and

  2. Your woman/women will be attracted to you far longer, and with more passion

  3. You unlock group sex with far less drama and far less hand-wringing

Those three reasons - I hope - are compelling to you enough that you might at least begin to wonder what your life will look like when you embrace the beauty of polyamory.

Though the concept is just only now becoming somewhat "mainstream," people have been running relationships this way literally forever. Some researchers estimate that as high as 21% of marriages are discreetly open. 21%! There's something they don't teach you in Sunday school. I'd be willing to bet they divorce far less frequently than monogamous relationships, but I have no numbers on that.

In sum - boyfriends are doing it, girlfriends are doing it, some are lying about it, some are honest about it. There is a whole world of intimacy outside of what Walt Disney fed you as a child.

If you ask me, it's time to join the party.

Drexel

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Comments

Richard's picture

Great idea in theory


Hi, this is a great idea and system in theory. It really does benefit both out nature as individuals and our relationships long term efficiency. These types of relationships really do make more sense, no doubt.

The problem is, society.

And how you go about convincing not just one but multiple girls to go against the grain and social blueprint, which has such a powerful hold over people (particularly girls). This really wouldn't be an easy task.

Certainly short term this is do able, but I am not convinced of the likelihood that a girl will stay with you in this kind of relationship set up long term, eventually it is more that likely that she will succumb to the pressure of society and it's agenda, exercising and delivering its message and blueprint via mediums such as family and friends.

I agree with you 100%. I just wish more people in our society could think for themselves and deduce what really is best for them, without other people having to do it for them. We would all be a lot happier that way

Drexel Scott's picture

Let me reiterate that

Author

Let me reiterate that statistic for you:

1. 21% of couples, when given the mask of social anonymity in surveys, admit that either the husband, the wife, or both are getting ass on the side--and the other partner is cool with it. Nearly 1 out of every 4 married couples you know is practicing polyamory...you just don't realize it. When you join that world, you will begin to see it everywhere, and green lines of code will make themselves apparent to you.

Also,

2. I encourage guys to find and date women who are strong and smart enough to think for themselves. Most people realize, at least on some level, that monogamy is a myth. There have been been volumes written about this. It's not just a theory, I promise you.

3. You don't really have to "convince" people to do what they already want to do and know is in their best interest. Some girls will test you on it. Hold your Frame, and then have awesome fun with them. Most girls will NOT test you on it, you simply explain to them that you're polyamorous. They either say "OK, cool!" or ask questions about what it means. Answer them honestly. The girls you're not compatible with weed themselves out.

Showtime recently ran a series for 2 seasons called "Polyamory." I have met the family that was on both seasons, and they are some of the happiest people I have ever met.

If you don't believe this can work in practice, it is a limiting belief.

Check out the show, this is happening all around you.

Eugene's picture

What about jealousy for you?


Drexel, I've had this work for me, but the problem I sometimes ran into, and I know most guys have a problem with...is not so much admitting to the girl that you're seeing other women on the side and that's what you want, and be cool about it.

The problem is, let's be honest, if you're with a particular high quality girl that you have feelings for (we still get those, right? lol) , and she knows or you subtly imply that you see women on the side, and she wants to do it too, how do you control your jealousy?

IDEALLY, I'd want to see other women on the side, I'd want to be honest with her about it, and for her to get into my frame and be ok with it, BUT I wouldn't want HER to be seeing anyone else.

What if I don't want to think about another dude fucking my main girl and that stuff just messes my mind up? I can learn to be more ok with it, but I won't lie and say that it doesn't bother me...

What do you do in this case? Are you just in a place where you legitimately feel no jealousy and are just always ok with your main girl having sex with other guys on the side?

-Eugene

Albert's picture

Thanks Drexel. The question


Thanks Drexel. The question is, how do you manage the multiple relationships, do you have an official girlfriend and then other friends with benefits? If you live with your girlfriend, how do you close the deal with the other girls? How often does your main girlfriend actually sleep with other guys and how do you handle that? The other guys will try to steal your girlfriend.

My experience. I had an open relationship until a few months ago. I told my girlfriend that since I had a much higher sex drive than her I needed to fuck other girls. She said ok. I did fuck other girls but I didn't tell her when exactly I was doing it, obviously. When she found out I was actually doing it (I had to tell her in order to arrange a threesome) she went insane even though I had absolutely no feelings for the other girl in question and I made it very clear.

We still had the threesome but she went crazy afterwards plotting her revenge. She started advertising to her social circle that we had an open relationship so she just had to sit and wait for the guys to hit on her like vultures. So finally she started sleeping with guys just to get back at me even though she wouldn't like them. I knew all the guys she slept with and was fairly friendly with all of them. Finally she found one of them, a nice beta guy that won't give her any trouble and that she liked enough. She couldn't handle me fucking other girls. (To be fair the relationship was doomed for many other reasons, though)

Also, when she first told me she was fucking this other guy that I tried to keep my cool but it is really tough when you know some dude is actually banging your girlfriend (and I'm not a jealous guy) no matter how open minded you are. It is fair enough because you also do it but there's always the risk that she will fall in love with the other guy. Girls really don't control their emotions that well, they do get easily attached to any guy they are sleeping with regularly, at least at first.

So then if you have your higher value girlfriend threatening to leave you and even though you still have some "friends with benefits" you still go through a lot of emotional turmoil. Plus when your girlfriend likes this new guy you can't compete with the rush of strong emotions of falling in love. You are not as exciting because she knows you well already.

So I'm trying to fing a way to figure this out for the next time.

Also, I'd love to read an article on how would you guys do it in order to have children but still have an alternative lifestyle of never completely settle for one woman to keep the attraction alive.

Drexel Scott's picture

Thanks to everyone for the

Author

Thanks to everyone for the questions and comments; they really challenge me to put into words the swirly mass of feelings, thoughts and images in my head. So I'll do my best to address everything you guys have mentioned here.

@Eugene--No, I'm definitely not in a place where I don't feel feelings! I know exactly what you're expressing, because I have had to work through/on similar issues.

The first thing you should know is a term from the poly word called, "compersion." It is defined as "the opposite of jealousy," which is to say, "taking pleasure in the pleasure of your partner"...even if they're being pleasured by someone else! There are entire chapters of some great poly books devoted to the subject, and how to move from jealousy to compersion. If you ask me, that is the single hardest thing to work through. The logistics are not as difficult as they probably sound; the emotional work is the hard part.

It is an issue that occasionally comes up for me as well, and I have definitely had to actively work on developing the quality of compersion. It takes a lot of introspection about what those feelings mean. They will almost always be there, but you can move through them more easily if you do an honest inventory of "what would it mean if my partner had sex with someone else, and how does that make me feel this way?"

Secondly, what you're describing is a double-standard, as I'm sure you know. You want to have your cake and eat it too, banging other girls on the side while your main girl is monogamous with you. That setup is not uncommon, and is called Mono/Poly--one person is exclusive to the other, but the other partner is not exclusive with the first one. However, it is my opinion that eventually the girl will become attracted to some other guy and then start to see the whole arrangement as inherently unfair.

Lastly, I don't know if you've ever been with girls who have boyfriends or husbands. I will admit I've played that game a few times, and girls who are in other relationships (i.e., are someone else's primary) are actually the best friends-with-benefits you'll find. They already have someone to deal with all the emotional stuff, so they just treat you like a human sex toy and expect nothing more in return. I would only recommend banging someone else's girl if there is no deception involved, otherwise it can be a sticky situation.

Drexel Scott's picture

@Albert-- Personally, I use a

Author

@Albert--

Personally, I use a hierarchical structure, as most poly people do. A primary (who is treated like a traditional girlfriend), a secondary (whose needs or desires are below those of the primary), and then a tertiary (who is just a sex doll). Oftentimes I am perfectly happy with just a primary and a secondary, while leaving myself some free time to hunt on the side.

It can take a while to set up a situation like that, and with each new person the whole things becomes more complex by orders of magnitude. If you don't live with any of them, there is no reason to complicate things by introducing them to each other (unless they really want to, or want to have group sex).

However, not all poly people use hierarchy--which is what I meant by "there is no template for polyamory." It takes experimentation and work to figure out what works best for you.

I have never lived with a girlfriend, and never will (unrelated reasons), so I have no answer for the question about what to do if you live with her.

As to how often a main girl sleeps with other guys, you can either ask her to tell you about it, ask her to ask permission before having sex with a new guy, or ask her not to tell you. For me there are many factors involved. Sometimes I want to know, sometimes I don't, sometimes I couldn't care less and am happy someone else can take care of a girl's needs when I feel like spending time by myself (or with another girl).

As to your story with your girl, that sucks. She sounds immature, and as you correctly pointed out, failed to predict what she would or would not be OK with. Going on a sex rampage as revenge for something she gave you permission for, makes her sound like a Cluster B personality disorder (Narcissistic, Histrionic, Borderline) or just very indecisive in general.

Sounds like that relationship's not working out for the best, is actually in your very best interest. I'm sorry that happened to you, I dated a Cluster B once and didn't even know which way was up anymore after very little time with her. They're crazy-makers.

I'll re-iterate again the huge proportion of married couples who discreetly live this way. Many of them have children, who probably have no idea what's going on.

When I mentioned the statistic to my own father, who has been married for over 30 years to the same woman, he was surprised it was "only 21%."

I didn't want any more details, and stopped asking questions at that point!

Albert's picture

Thanks again!


Thanks Drexel for your reply. I just read about this Cluster B disorder and you have given me more enlightenment than most of the friends I spoke with about this past relationship. She was indeed immature, extremely selfish and self-centered but I thought those were just her personality traits, didn't know this has a name.

Thanks again! I've stumbled upon two people like that throughout my life and they caused much harm to my self-esteem. Hopefully I'll learn for the future.

Eugene's picture

Still hard...


Appreciate the response Drexel. Do you ever feel like you're maybe at a point that some other guys just aren't at, as far as being secure enough with themselves that they can just be OK with their girl having sex with another guy?

1) It could be that I'm not seeing it from your angle...maybe if I was sleeping with another girl or two on the side WHILE I was with my girl, then I wouldn't feel the same type of jealousy of another guy with my girl.

2) But the scenario I can imagine in my head is...what if you've been with a girl for a good amount of time, feelings are strong for both of you and you have this polyamory thing going. So then I know or assume she's fucking another guy on the side (or two). Then suddenly it seems she gets a bit withdrawn, or maybe a bad mood, or maybe I feel something is off. You know what I might think?

Even though I know I'm making her cum hard and often, I'm going to think...what if she was with some guy that gave her the best sex ever? What if he made her cum harder? What if she's fantasizing about having sex with him and falling for him, while she's still with me? It's not so much the thought of..."oh, another guy had sex with my girl, that wasn't me". You and I KNOW how attached a girl gets to you if you give her amazing sex, and somehow I'd always think...what if he was better than me? And the point that Albert brought up above, about her being with you for a while, you losing a bit of your mystery/newness vs this new guy who's unavailable/more mysterious/new simply because she's not with him...but having sex with him.

Does this boil down to some type of issue with me personally and not the situation? I'd just REALLY like to be able to get to where you're at at some point, but know I'd have a problem with the good sex with another guy aspect I mentioned above.

Drexel Scott's picture

Hey Eugene, sorry for the

Author

Hey Eugene, sorry for the delay. I'd be happy to address your questions and points here, as I can tell you have a lot of interest in learning more about the poly lifestyle and what kinds of people are well-suited for it.

To begin with...yes. By some combination of my general constitution and the hard emotional work I've done throughout my life, I believe that my views are a bit out of the norm. There are certainly a lot of guys like me--there are just far more who are not.

I was fortunate to have a fantastic friend-with-benefits for about 8 straight months (who's still in my life from time to time, years later) who had a boyfriend the entire time. Not only did I not care that she was sleeping with another guy...I loved it! I never had to deal with any drama, and our relationship was purely friendly and sexual in nature. I believe her having a primary is what allowed us to enjoy each other so completely, with zero negativity at any point. I have dated plenty of girls who were definitely (or I suspect) sleeping with other guys. It simply does not bother me. That being said, what bothers me immensely is being lied to. If a girl tells me she is not sleeping with anyone else, and then I find out that's a lie, that is a violation of my trust and I consider it grounds for dismissal.

But as for your points...

1. That won't help...trust me. I still get territorial and jealous sometimes, and it has absolutely nothing to do with how many girls are in my rotation or on the side. You can be with one girl, or three, and if you have very strong feelings for a particular one of them, it will sting just the same if your jealousy is being triggered. I know this the hard way! Instead, a better path is to read and learn about the "Madonna/Whore Complex," which is at the root of said jealousy and territoriality.

2. You're right, and I recently got those exact same feelings when my primary (who I now consider a friend-with-benefits, her being downgraded as a result of what I'm about to say) went dark on me. Suddenly, no more calls, texts or sexy pictures (which she had sent every day for months).

I got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, asking myself all those exact same questions. Ultimately, I do not know what happened (though I'm a smart guy, and would guess she met someone new who is banging her very well). It is her failure for not communicating this to me, and for replacing me in such a manner instead of simply adding him to her rotation. That is why she's downgraded: she does not have the communication or emotional skills to be in an open relationship, which I now see.

Ultimately, you and I have ZERO control over that. It is one of the hardest things about this lifestyle--what if she meets someone who gives it to her as well/better than I do, and leaves me for him?

But you know what?

That's ALWAYS a possibility, whether you're in a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous one. Women will always leave a window open for some other guy to seduce them, no matter how much they love you, and sometimes a guy will come along and know how to get through that window. ZERO control over that situation.

One great thing about going poly is that if/when that happens, the sting is greatly lessened by the fact that you can still have a relationship or sex with another girl/other girls. One girl leaving hurts far less when you didn't put all your eggs into one basket to begin with.

I hope that helps give you some insight, and I HIGHLY recommend working on the Madonna/Whore complex at the root of jealousy. Fear of loss is a different issue altogether.

Eugene's picture

Personality Disorders


Not to get off topic, but I thought the same thing about this girl Albert before Drexel posted the disorders...That's not normal behavior, sounds like a borderline or other similar type. Read up online, check out the site gettinbetter.com (just don't look too deeply into what she says, but some good info). If you had a girl like this it says a bit more about you than it does about her, and learning about these disorders and what drew you to these girls will do a lot for you.

It did for me after a relationship with a borderline. Anyway, back on topic..

Albert's picture

Thanks Eugene, I've only had


Thanks Eugene, I've only had two very long relationships in my life. That girl was the second. I think because my first long relationship was a really sweet girl my defenses were still low when it came to relationships and I didn't have many reference points yet. It was a bit unlucky going from a super sweet to a nutter but it's not so easy to tell. These people are smart, they put you down very subtly, very slowly undermine your confidence. There's also good times so you don't know what to do.

She told me many times at different times that she didn't like that I am aggressive (aggressive as someone ambitious and who works towards his goals and gets them) has a high sex drive, etc. I just try to be a man, basically. But obviously she enjoyed all the aventures we lived together as a result of this trait of mine. Now I'm disappointed to having given her those instead of picking a more deserving girl.

I've done a fair thinking about it and have boiled it down to her education, her family (her parents role models, with a very controlling mother and very passive father) and obviously her own personality disorder you guys have mentioned completely fit into all the traits I had already written down but didn't have a name for. Thanks!

Drexel Scott's picture

Albert--IMO, the best

Author

Albert--IMO, the best resource out there for understanding Cluster Bs, and the guys who get in relationship with them, is the website "Shrink4Men." The author, Dr. Tara Palmatier, is one of the only therapists I've ever heard of who understands how it works and doesn't automatically blame the male for a failed relationship (which is the societal norm...it must have been his fault somehow!).

I was led to it by a guy who helped me heal from my own toxic relationship with a Borderline, and what Eugene said is spot on--understanding and moving past what got you attached to such a girl in the first place, is the best defense against falling for it in the future.

Anonymous's picture

Shrink4men and Girlschase saved my ass


Wow! I didn't expect to see that here, but was going to suggest a post on cluster B women. I found shrink4men about the same I found this site, after realizing that my life was being run by a sociopath. I strongly feel that every one of the men reading on this site should be aware of predatory females, the tactics, deception, and complete lack of empathy they use on the men they want to control makes a skilled pick up artist look like a choir boy. These women are trophy hunters, low hanging fruit isn't good enough of a challenge for them, they want high value targets, then take pleasure in dragging them down and grinding away at them, most live out their days as an overworked hen pecked has been suffering the many stresses that a crazy making over spending berating frigid (but not for the poolboy, or Facebook friend) wife can cause, but many wind up committing suicide.
I was a high value target, at 22 I was an intermediate seducer, great job with access to women, toys, exciting hobbies, great social circles, the sky was the limit. I met a girl who was a few years older, had a kid, seemed mature, confident, mysterious, intelligent, banging hot, and the sex was great. I was hooked. Three months later I realized she was just another deadbeat jealous waitress and I'd screw her for the winter months and pick up the hunt come spring. I got a pregnancy test.
Seven years and two more "unplanned" pregnancies later I figured it out. I could make a movie about the chaos and drama of my divorce, but I'll say this, shrink4men gave me the clarity to make the fight, and girlschase gave me tools and strength. I knew my self esteem and presence had been destroyed by this woman, and I was going to be having daily interactions with police, lawyers, judges, teachers, counselors, clerks, etc. I used the skills I learned here on EVERYONE I came into contact with. Police officers wrote reports that portrayed me positively, I was welcomed into my oldest childs school, and built social circles for my children just as a seducer would, professional, educated mothers would drop off their only daughter for a playdate after only two or three minutes of face time. I attribute this directly to Chase writing "weak men are dangerous, sexy men are safe".
On the advice of a psychiatrist I'd consulted with knowing I'd be facing unfounded accusations of abuse, neglect, etc, I should build a social circle for my children and get to know the parents so they could vouch for me. Yep,"social proof". I have nurses, engineers, firefighters, teachers, a school counselor, and other professionals whose children have all been in my care, and would back me up if needed.
Most clerks, secretaries, and teachers are women and I was able to get the documentation I needed for my divorce easier than I would have if I wasn't a sexy man, some women even told me so point blank.
Despite being broke, losing my toys, living with my mother, working long shifts and caring for small children on my off days, my sex life was phenomenal, single moms from new social circle, waitresses, the model selling a car, online dates, bars, etc, the best was a realtor who was looking at the home I was short selling, after my ex trashed it. She asked what happened, I told her the short version, when she asked if I was upset and was going to seek revenge, I laughed and said " nah, I'll just date blondes" she replied "I'm a blonde" haha!
My "devil may care" attitude had her hooked, I seduced her strictly over the phone, I was inside her within three minutes of meeting her in person, we'd meet in vacant homes, or the backseat of my truck, she was tons of fun.
My ex realized that I wasn't going to beg her to come back, and saw I was doing just fine without her and tried to seduce me, like I'd forget about the cold dinners, half ass parenting,unkempt house and the "not in the moods" when I had women trying to move me in, cooking awesome meals, and completely rocking my world, like getting blown on the floor of a vacant home by a gorgeous realtor wearing nothing but heels, yeah right!
Her crazy has continued, and she continues to emotionally abuse my children, but I'm geared up for the long haul. I love taking new women, but it was cutting into my drive for success and was leaving me too tired to really focus on my children, so I decided that I needed a girlfriend and chose a high value woman from my social circle who is very nurturing to me and my children, and continues to pass test after test. She isnt very sexually experienced, very sexually conservative, a shy excited type, I really like her, and think she would make a great wife, but I am upwardly mobile and realize that in a few years I will be bored with her. The conclusion I come to is that I will need to take a new lover occasionally, and cheating is deceitful, a sign of a weak man, so I feel that it needs to be open, like threesomes, but I have a lot of ground to cover between here and there, so I continue to be a sexual man and push her sexually so that at some point bringing another woman in is just the next step. I continue to research this, and if anyone has a suggestion, I'm here to learn.

Albert's picture

Wow Drexel, thank you so


Wow Drexel, thank you so much. It's amazing how you managed to identify her disorder just by the little hint I wrote about her in passing. I'm so grateful, I just can't explain how much piece of mind I got from that shrink4men and just in general reading about her personality disorder. Her being not one of the most extreme cases but nevertheless I see so many aspects of our dysfunctional relationship described word by word in some of those articles.

Also I want to thank you guys for your amazing website. I recently did a SNL with a lovely girl on Halloween night at a private party and many concepts I used from this website that I would have never put into practice had I not read about them here first were decisive for the success.

And that is the best way to heal, to get laid and realise there are so many girls out there.

I have finally taken the challenge and for the last 3 weeks I go out almost daily to do cold approach. It took me 3 days to do the first one but it gets easier, yesterday I did 4 approaches and got the first phone number. Cold approach is much harder on your ego than any other pickup variation but I need to learn it, for my self confidence and for the future, that any time I am able to, with enough time and a bit of perseverance, that I can just replace any girl, so that I don't get sucked into another unhealthy relationship.

Eugene's picture

Advice or tips?


Hey Drexel..if you have any advise or insight into my last question above, please let me know. Would be awesome to see what you think to see if maybe I'm missing something or how to approach it.

K..'s picture

You get used to it


Thanks for the interesting article, Drexel! I'm with you here. There are many good sides to non-monogamy and I, for one, wouldn't even consider a monogamous relationship anymore, having experienced the freedom of an open relationship.

Let me tell you a little about ours. Now, I am a woman, 33 years old. I've been married for ten years (Jesus, that's a lot! :) ) to a guy I dated many years even before that. The same year that we got married, we decided about an open relationship. It was my idea. Actually, my man was a little suspicious at first, but when he met a woman he liked who wasn't me, he decided to think the better of it. No surprise there, lol.

It was rather clear to us that if one gets the freedom, the other must get it too. I mean, that's how we felt about it. Still it was first only him who had anyone else. For many years there was only this one woman and the relationship was rather serious. I guess you could say she was his girlfriend. Only after four years I began to have lovers too. Now I've had many. Most of them have been nothing very serious. I mean, I wouldn't call them my boyfriends, more like friends with benefits. My husband has had fewer relationships but I think his have been more serious than mine. I have even had a couple of one night stands, something that he, in spite of being a man, he doesn't seem to want for himself.

Now, I do not see why a man couldn't live with the fact that his girl/wife sleeps with other people. Sure it's not for everybody but my husband never had a problem about this when it finally happened. He sure was suspicious when we hadn't tried it yet. Anyhow, when we did, it turned out that I was the more jealous one and I still am. I do get these fears in my head when I see that he likes someone else. Does he still care about me? What if he decides to leave me for someone else, wanting to enter into a monogamous relationship with her? Who knows? But, you know, the question is, can you live with these feelings? I think I can. At first it was frightening. There were some hard times. I still feel insecure sometimes but, then again, who doesn't? No relationship is sure to last forever, monogamous or not. My experience has been that in an open relationship you can be more honest about your feelings in general, even to yourself. I fall in love with somebody else or simply want to have sex with someone. No problem. There's nothing wrong with that, so no need to repress it. No need to doubt each other's word either, no need to suspect him and wonder if he's seeing someone else, because I know it: yes he is. :) And it's OK.

So, my point is, you can get used to these feelings! As a woman, I don't know if I can relate to you men's issues well enough but at least I can tell you that I know a man who can live with this stuff, too. An excellent man, someone whom I still love, after all these years. And these "other men" I've had, they are no strangers to him either. They are our good friends who we regularly invite to our home and visit theirs. It has actually happened that there are seven of us in sauna together: me, two other women, my husband and three other men. My husband has slept with all the women and I have slept with all the men, and everybody knows it all. :D

Why not? After all, it's your life. You live it the way you like, fuck the society.

Drexel Scott's picture

Well-said! I love your last

Author

Well-said! I love your last sentence there.

I am grateful you posted this comment, so other guys can see something that most of them would never believe: in the right relationship, with the right woman, she will be more than happy to let you bang other girls on the side. You gotta play fair though and let her have her fun too ;)

Anonymous's picture

Kids when?


Article sounded fine, all that competition for you ect; but you know that at some point your biology will kick in and you will start wanting children... That usually means mariage to bring stability. I'm interested how you will deal with this.

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