The 3 Big Benefits of Polyamory
For the article, I am going to refrain from hammering you with numbers and statistics. If you're curious about divorce rates, child custody and alimony, that information is free on the Internet. I encourage you to find and digest it yourself, but that will not be the focus today.
Rather, the topic for today is going to be the two major forms of
romantic relationships: monogamous, and non-monogamous.
I will be offering you some insight into how each operates, as well as giving you some ideas about why I personally think that non-monogamy is the way to go. At the end, should some part of this article persuade you to explore non-monogamy, I will also cover how to go about it ethically so that there is no lying, cheating, or drama involved.
What's that, you say? Multiple relationships with no lying or cheating involved? Yep. I've been with more than my fair share of women, and I've never cheated on anyone - nor been cheated on - in my entire life. Ethical non-monogamy is how.
Let's start with the (arguably) most common type of relationship, and what the major drawbacks of it are (hint: there's not a lot of wiggle room for variety or even complete honesty).
After that, we'll take a breeze through some of the less commonplace
relationship setups that a number of people still nevertheless enjoy -
and swear by. And there are a lot more variations on these alternatives
than you might think.
#1: Monogamous Relationships
This is the norm for most cultures of the world. A guy and a girl pair up. They start hooking up, or maybe they were before they entered a relationship. At some point, a "Contract of Exclusivity" is introduced. Usually by the guy, but also by the girl a lot of the time.
At that point, they date exclusively for several months. Then they begin to talk about a "future together," at which points tentative plans are made to move in together, get married, and have children.
That's basically it. There is no real room for variation in monogamous relationships, as the template has been laid out for you by the entire rest of the world. Both parties know how they go and where they're supposed to lead.
Of course, since people are always going to be attracted to other people, there is inherent deception involved. Hiding your attraction to other people, in order to convince your partner that you "have eyes only for them." Punishment, drama and breakups if either party is caught engaging physically with other people. If you're married at that point, it can mean divorce, which - for a guy - can mean losing half your stuff.
So that's monogamy for you. I realize I have taken the "magic" and Disney out of it, but this site is about pragmatic approaches to relationships; about what they are, not what we may want them to be.
Then, on the other side of the coin, we have…
#2: Non-Monogamous Relationships
To be perfectly honest, there is way too much ground to cover on this topic for the likes of one article. As such, it is my intention to simply give you guys and gals a brief introduction to the lifestyle and its variants.
To begin with, unlike monogamy, there are a multitude of variations for non-monogamous relationships. To name just a few, there's:
Polyamory (multiple loving relationships at once),
Polygamy (one man with multiple wives),
Polyandry (one wife with multiple husbands… like they could deal with that!),
Swinging (going to sex parties together),
Solo polyamory (what PUAs do, being the only "constant" in multiple simultaneous relationships), and
Partnered non-monogamy (which is given the umbrella term "open relationship").
... and these are what the remainder of this article is all about.
Below, I'm going to give you an overview of just what's "good" about a less conventional relationship setup like one of these, to better equip you to make the best decision possible for you about what kind of relationship(s) you want to have with the women in your life.
So buckle up.
There are three (3) core benefits to a non-monogamous relationship setup, and as you might expect, they're quite a bit divorced from the benefits of a monogamous setup.
The easiest way to differentiate the two might be to say that monogamy is about control, while non-monogamy is about freedom.
Which of the two you pursue comes down a lot more to what path is more compelling to you.
Here's polyamory's big benefit #1: Choose Your Own Adventure,
Benefit #1: Create Your Own Relationship
Right off the bat, exploring the non-monogamous lifestyle introduces to you a whole range of options. No one style is any more "right" than any other, and it is completely up to the individuals involved to create whatever relationship. Society does not have a template for non-monogamy. To go against the grain takes honesty, genuine introspection for what you desire, and the ability to assert those desires respectfully to others. It is tricky and difficult, but is also the path to romantic freedom.
Because so many forms exist, some of which I mentioned above, it is completely up to the two individuals involved to decide on the relationship that works best for their particular quirks, personalities, needs, and sexual desires.
Let's say a guy and a girl get together. They love each other, and want each other to be happy. However, the female does not like anal sex, which the male strongly desires. In a monogamous relationship, he's out of luck. Unless he can convince her to do it… otherwise, sorry, pal - no dice.
In a non-monogamous relationship, the guy can seek out a woman on the side to have anal sex with, with the full consent and knowledge of his primary partner, whilst maintaining the original relationship with no drama about it.
This is actually quite a common reason for either establishing a non-monogamous relationship or "opening one up:" one or both partners have sexual desires the other is not comfortable with, so they seek that particular kind of sex with outside partners. This happens more often than you think, guys.
Your girlfriend doesn't like bondage? No problem; your friend-with-benefits can't even get wet unless she's strapped to your mattress.
If you can imagine that situation, with everyone on the same page and zero deceit or lying involved, you are beginning to get a sense of just how awesome non-monogamy truly is.
I mentioned before that this is extremely difficult (it gets easier). It is, especially if you're used to the mono-normative style of relationship, where everyone walks on eggshells about potential outside partners (or subtly mentions them in jealousy plots). When you have to actually sit down and have the conversation about how you desire outside sexual activities of a particular nature, and process those boundaries with someone you really care about, it can be nothing short of terrifying.
However, once you begin to practice ethical non-monogamy, you'll realize that it truly does feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your chest, provided you find someone you are compatible with.
So that's one primary reason: you get to decide what your relationship looks like. Not TV. Not Hollywood. Not your parents. Not your Church.
Just you, and the person you love.
That being said, it's far from the only reason to consider going poly, or at least giving it a try. There's also…
Benefit #2: She Will be Attracted to You for Far Longer
It is well-known within these circles that female attraction has an expiration date (even inside of sexual relationships). There is a well-documented number of ways to either speed up that decay process, or make it last longer. We know that pretty much nothing dries up a vagina quite like a man who becomes needy and dependent as a result of one woman's being his only source of intimacy.
A "kept" man has no options, and his woman knows this. She has nothing to fear, no reason to be jealous, and no reason to even be suspicious that he might be attracting other women.
In other words, she has no reason to find him attractive.
A man in a non-monogamous relationship, or a practitioner of solo polyamory, always has at least one other option. If you're upfront about it, or behave in a way which successfully implies it, your woman/women will never for a moment doubt that you have other options. Her competition anxiety will always remain high, which means she'll be strongly attracted to you and for a very long time (unless you completely submit to her / relinquish all the relationship control).
Tell me guys… how many "headaches" does a woman get, when she knows her man can simply kick her out and call over another woman to have sex with in very short order?
Answer: 0. Zero headaches. She is always in the mood.
My ex-girlfriend, one of my first adventures in open relationships, was once sitting on top of me in bed. I began escalating towards sex, and she told me that she "wasn't really feeling it right now."
I put my hand on her shoulder, said "no worries" as I pushed her off, and reached for my phone.
"What are you doing?" she asked anxiously.
"I'm definitely feeling it right now, so I'm going to call someone else who's feeling it and hang out with them. Maybe you and I can chill later on tonight."
You guys should have seen the look on her face.
In the entire rest of our relationship, she was never once "not really feeling it right now," ever again. Guys, those headaches and "not in the mood's" are power plays. It takes a few minutes of foreplay for a woman to be aroused enough to want sex, if she isn't already. When she plays that card, she's testing your mettle. So play your bigger, shinier card: if you won't do it, miss, someone else will. Game over.
Anyway, that's somewhat beside the point, but my example illustrates the concept well. That was back when I was still trying to figure out how to communicate within an open relationship, a journey I suspect will be years-long in the end. She knew I was seeing other girls, but I had never really discussed it with her. Had we processed things even a little bit earlier on, I am convinced that event would never have happened.
Competition anxiety causes girls to be horny for you. Though they'll never admit it, being jealous turns them on, and their lady-parts tingle at the thought that you have easy access to other lady-parts. Give them a reason to compete for you, and they will do their absolute best.
So far, let's sum up two reasons I encourage men - and honestly, women as well - to at least try out polyamory for a while:
You get to decide what your relationship looks like, and
Your woman/women will be attracted to you far longer, and with more passion.
If that's not enough reason to convert you yet, the third concept in this article is…
#3: Group Sex
In my two of my last articles, I went over the ins, outs, and upside-down-blowjobs of how to have threesomes with your girlfriend. In the first part of that series, I mentioned that it is far easier to have group sex when you are not in a monogamous relationship. (Technically, the moment you engage in group sex, your relationship is no longer monogamous)
When two people are honest about the fact that they are attracted to other people (rare in monogamous relationships), can have open discussions about whom they'd like to bang (even rarer in monogamous relationships), and can actually proposition said people for group sex, the entire process is a thousand times easier than having to explain to your monogamous girlfriend why you're "suddenly" interested in other women.
It's almost a guaranteed drama-fest, though it can still happen. And does, a lot.
This way avoids the drama though, and builds on the trust and openness that is the foundation of ethical polyamory to begin with.
Ethical, Beneficial Polyamory
Our three big benefits of polyamory thus are:
You get to decide what your relationship looks like, and
Your woman/women will be attracted to you far longer, and with more passion
You unlock group sex with far less drama and far less hand-wringing
Those three reasons - I hope - are compelling to you enough that you might at least begin to wonder what your life will look like when you embrace the beauty of polyamory.
Though the concept is just only now becoming somewhat "mainstream," people have been running relationships this way literally forever. Some researchers estimate that as high as 21% of marriages are discreetly open. 21%! There's something they don't teach you in Sunday school. I'd be willing to bet they divorce far less frequently than monogamous relationships, but I have no numbers on that.
In sum - boyfriends are doing it, girlfriends are doing it, some are lying about it, some are honest about it. There is a whole world of intimacy outside of what Walt Disney fed you as a child.
If you ask me, it's time to join the party.
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