Emotion Regulation in Your Friendships and Relationships


The other day, on the article on men who seem to be naturally good with women, a reader wrote in to ask about emotion regulation in relationships, and annoyance at always having to be "the rock" for women he's dating and others when they vent emotionally, when meanwhile they begin distancing themselves or just decline to give support as soon as he turns the tables and he needs to vent.

emotion regulation

Here's his comment:

Is it recommended to keep your emotional problems/issues separate from seduction?

Some girls (that I've known for more than couple months) seemed to have been of the stock where if I ever talked about my personal emotional issues (like the deep shit that you become aware of as you gain emotional IQ/mastery) with them, they gave me a look like how dare I speak about myself more than they talked about themselves...that's not how it's supposed to go!! Men, including lovers are people too, and have emotional moments (maybe a overbearing boss or a horrible relationship with parents or frustration from not being able to start a business or whatever). What I really wanted was for them to provide me with the value (same empathy/support) that I provided them, but they didn't really seem to care all that much...(it was more of a fake care, but not a real genuine OMG I feel your pain). Obviously they couldn't (nor volunteered) to really help me out and provide me with advice (even when asked), just an awkward silence then they turned the conversation back on them.

Have you ever seen this? What are your thoughts? Do you advise to keep have a support system separate and apart from seduction, and to not clue women into what you're feeling?

I am clueless on this. But maybe it's not women. Thing is I've seen a similar thing from my family too. Growing up, they weren't really equipped to deal with my emotional needs. Perhaps I presented them wrong? Conversation is part presentation...anyways the result was that I just kept shit bottled up inside, becoming aloof and not even recognizing it until much later. Now I'm more of a fixer, but it's really good to have someone around that says "i understand how you feel...try this." Never had that, not even from family.

I replied; the original commenter replied to my reply to further clarify; Franco, the moderator of our discussion boards, weighed in; and the original commenter returned once more to contribute to the discussion again. All-in-all, it turned into a pretty thoughtful conversation, though clearly from parties who were coming at the problem all from rather different angles.

So, the question raised, I wanted to dive into it much further: what's the right way to go about handling emotion regulation in your interpersonal relationships? Or, is there even a right way - is there an ideal path? Or simply different shades of gray?


emotion regulation

Emotion regulation is a potentially touchy topic... nobody wants you to tell him how to handle his emotions, usually. We tend to look on those who would with suspicious eyes, as though they are asking us to deny the very fabric of who we are and suppress ourselves, for questionable reasons at best.

Emotional expression comes in a variety of different forms, ranging from:

  • Those who regulate emotions via working on problems independently

  • Those who regulate emotions via a mixed strategy of discussing and working on problems

  • Those who regulate emotions via emotional venting to other people

The problem with emotional venting, of course, is that it frequently risks venturing into the realm of psychic vampirism... offloading your problems onto someone else for your gain and his or her detriment. This makes dealing with emotions the right way - in a way that does not emotionally fatigue the people in your life - a very critical concern... provided you want to retain the people in your life over the longer term and not watch them vanish from emotional overwhelm.


Problems You Can Solve vs. Problems You Can't

It's been my theory that the need to get things off your chest happens when you encounter problems you don't feel fully equipped to solve, or you otherwise feel overwhelmed emotionally.

I've had close (male, not just female) friends from every category:

  • Those who would vent constantly, about every minor annoyance

  • Those who would occasionally need to joke sardonically about some annoyance

  • Those who would usually be unflappable, but when hitting a major emotional period (once every year or two) would turn into waterfalls of tears and emotion

  • Those who would usually be unflappable, but once a year or so would get a little run down from some emotionally trying situation and need to chat about it a bit, more from a "tired" kind of emotion than anything too dramatic

My friends from the first category - the "constant venters" - were highly emotional by nature, and, even if intelligent, were the sorts that any small problem pushed them into emotional overdrive, filling them with feelings of fear, doubt, and inadequacy. Objectively, they could solve most of these problems - many of them easily. But emotionally, when the problems appeared, their responses were to say, "Oh no, not another problem! Why me?! Why do I have to always be dealing with problems!"

They essentially suffered from large degrees of victim mentality, where every bad thing that happened was another straw placed on the camel's back, bring it just that much closer to snapping.

The further down the list you go, though, the less victim mentality you see, and the more you encounter an attitude of "another problem? Cool; let's work through it" that treats each new problem not as another cross to bear, but instead another puzzle to solve.

But, aside from victim mentality - which we already know is unhealthy for both you and your relationships - what else is there at play here?


The Science of Emotion Regulation

Of course, my concern going into this article was that I'd be coming at it from a biased angle - I'm someone who's naturally very careful about venting my emotions away from other people when I must vent them... and, I've had nothing but bad, draining, distracting experiences with those who felt the need to vent repeatedly and emotionally to me. I was guilty of emotionally venting on others during my teenage years, especially family members, and I still feel shame for that to this day - people who had been nothing but supportive of and loving toward me and deserved none of the emotions I put onto them had some very rough times emotionally because I didn't know where to point the barrel of my emotion gun. And that's often how it works when you have difficulty with emotion regulation - your biggest supporters are the ones who take the biggest hits.

emotion regulation

So, rather than rely solely on my possibly anti-emotion dumping perspective that comes purely from hard experience, and to make sure I had a clear and as unbiased-as-possible understanding of emotion regulation, I turned to the research of how emotion regulation works in relationships - which, fortunately, even though this is a relatively new field, there exist a handful of good studies of and findings for.

First, here's Ross A. Thompson's definition of emotion regulation:

  1. It involves both the suppression of and the heightening of emotions

  2. It involves the regulation of attention

  3. It involves intrinsic factors like temperament and extrinsic factors like the quality and nature of the relationship with others

In other words, emotion regulation is about whether and how much you suppress your emotions (which leads to a heightening of those emotions), how you choose to regulate (get) the attention of others, and your own personal temperament and what your relationships are like themselves.

Thompson, who did much of the pioneering work on emotion regulation in the 1990s, focused primarily on children, but, fortunately for us, subsequent research has shown a spotlight on adult relationships and the role emotion regulation has to play there.

Below are the three (3) most interesting papers on adult emotion regulation in relationships.

From "Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being", published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology:

Five studies tested two general hypotheses: Individuals differ in their use of emotion regulation strategies such as reappraisal and suppression, and these individual differences have implications for affect, well-being, and social relationships. Study 1 presents new measures of the habitual use of reappraisal and suppression. Study 2 examines convergent and discriminant validity. Study 3 shows that reappraisers experience and express greater positive emotion and lesser negative emotion, whereas suppressors experience and express lesser positive emotion, yet experience greater negative emotion. Study 4 indicates that using reappraisal is associated with better interpersonal functioning, whereas using suppression is associated with worse interpersonal functioning. Study 5 shows that using reappraisal is related positively to well-being, whereas using suppression is related negatively.

So, this study looked at two strategies for dealing with emotional issues:

  • Reappraisal: stopping and examining a problem from a different angle and asking oneself, "What's another way of tackling this problem?"

  • Suppression: trying to push away or forget about the problem and its emotional implications

The findings were that those who habitually reappraised felt better, expressed more positive emotions, and had healthier relationships, while those who fell back on suppression habitually felt worse, expressed more negative emotions, and had worse, negativity-prone relationships.

Our second paper is "Emotion Regulation in Adulthood: Timing is Everything", a study from James J. Gross of Stanford University's Department of Psychology, with the following findings:

Emotions seem to come and go as they please. However, we actually hold considerable sway over our emotions: We influence which emotions we have and how we experience and express these emotions. The process model of emotion regulation described here suggests that how we regulate our emotions matters. Regulatory strategies that act early in the emotion-generative process should have quite different outcomes than strategies that act later. This review focuses on two widely used strategies for down-regulating emotion. The first, reappraisal, comes early in the emotion-generative process. It consists of changing how we think about a situation in order to decrease its emotional impact. The second, suppression, comes later in the emotion-generative process. It involves inhibiting the outward signs of emotion. Theory and research suggest that reappraisal is more effective than suppression. Reappraisal decreases the experience and behavioral expression of emotion, and has no impact on memory. By contrast, suppression decreases behavioral expression, but fails to decrease the experience of emotion, and actually impairs memory. Suppression also increases physiological responding in both the suppressors and their social partners.

In other words, reappraisal happens early on in emotion generation, and resolves the problem - those who reappraise pounce on emotions when they happen and deal with them. Suppression comes later, and leads to an exacerbation of emotional issues and negative physiological (body) responses in both the individuals themselves and in their partners.

It really isn't just you who suffers when you suppress, then vent, emotions, rather than deal with these when they happen - it's the person you're venting to, too.

Our third paper is "Gender Differences in the Relationship between Emotional Regulation and Depressive Symptoms", published in Cognitive Therapy and Research:

Reports of gender differences in depressive symptoms are one of the most pervasive findings in the literature. In addition, women are frequently reported to be more emotionally sensitive than men. However, the paradox of women being more emotionally responsive and yet at greater risk for psychopathology is still to be unraveled. In the present study we examined emotional regulation as a possible factor in the gender difference in depressive symptom reporting. In a sample of young adults we replicated the frequently reported finding of greater depressive symptom reporting in women. In addition, we found women to report greater attention to emotions. This is consistent with the idea that women tend to think more and ruminate more about their emotions. However, when the variance associated with this greater attention to emotions was statistically controlled, the gender difference in depressive symptoms was no longer significant. Subsequent analyses found that women with low depressive symptoms reported greater attention to emotions without evidencing greater depressive symptoms. However, women with high depressive symptoms exhibited greater attention to emotions, more impaired antirumination emotional repair strategies, and greater reports of depressive symptoms than men with high depressive symptoms. We close by speculating about the neural concomitants of these findings.

This study, a very intriguing one, found that on average women are both more emotionally sensitive and responsive and more prone to depression. So, even though the average woman ends up feeling and venting more than the average man, she feels worse off than him, too.

But the researchers dug deeper.

When they controlled for women who employed antirumination strategies - that is, exactly what we talked about in "How to Overcome Depression", the negative effects of their emotionalism went away, they became happier and, we can probably safely presume, they began employing reappraisal strategies a lot more than they did suppression strategies.

It would appear science is telling us that you aren't caught forever in a cycle of being emotional and needing to burden others with those emotions to feel better, damaging your relationships in the process - to the contrary.

The solution, rather, lies within.


emotion regulation

When I've had friends who were wont to vent often, trying to discuss with them why this was and how they could change it was very often like running into a brick wall.

They didn't want to change how they dealt with problems or emotions. They just wanted other people to listen, goddamnit.

The problem is that this is a selfish and unempathetic approach to dealing with one's own emotional issues that doesn't consider the effects of putting those emotions on others - and it's shortsighted, too.

Much like using a loved one as a physical punching bag when you feel upset and just want to hit something will drive wedges into your relationships and cause them to crumble and decay, so too will using a loved one as an emotional dumping ground when things aren't going your way. The results of doing this are broken relationships, lost friendships, and family who keep their distances except at certain times of the year.

If you want the healthy, functional relationships of the people who properly address their emotional issues in constructive ways, rather than the destructive, depressing, victim mentality-inducing negativity of those who do not, you need to learn how to regulate.


Reappraisal vs. Suppression

Why's the difference between those employing reappraisal strategies versus those using suppression strategies so big?

Mainly, because those who reappraise deal with the emotion right away and get done with it.

Those who suppress, meanwhile, shove the emotion away... which doesn't actually get rid of it at all.

It only makes it come back again later at 10x the strength, ready to rip their cool to shreds, and take their interpersonal relationships right along with it.

You see, when you push a problem out of your conscious mind, you don't get rid of it. Your subconscious continues to work on it, but without the full force of your conscious, logical brain. But why'd the problem come to the attention of your conscious, logical brain in the first place? Because your subconscious didn't know the answer... that's why. It needed you to bring a little conscious reasoning to bear to crack that nut.

When you punt that thought back to the subconscious again, it doesn't quit working on it... it just works on it harder.

And it gets more frustrated.

And it starts feeling more helpless.

And if you've read that article on depression linked to earlier, what's depression caused by? Obsessive rumination without taking action, and subsequent feelings of helplessness.

If you're a suppressor, these bottled-up emotions bother you more and more, until you just need to get them out. You do this by venting emotionally to other people. Which makes you feel better... but them feel worse. Why? Because, subconsciously, you've shifted the burden of solving this "unsolvable" problem off of YOUR shoulders and onto THEIRS.

How about the reappraisers, though? How do they deal with emotional issues?

Someone who employs reappraisal refuses to shuttle an issue back to his subconscious in an effort to squelch it, because he knows it's only going to come roaring back later, many times more powerful, and wreck havoc on his Zen and the Zen of his relationships.

Instead, he figures that if his subconscious mind thinks this issue is so big and important that it needs to be brought to the attention of his conscious mind, he'd better address it.

So, he does just that: he addresses it, handles it, and finishes the problem.

It's done. It's dealt with.

No need to banish it to the subconscious hinterlands, only for it to emerge bigger and stronger and more tenacious than before. No need to to sit and stew and fester with his emotions. No need to offload bad feelings of his own onto the people who care about them and drive them gradually away with unhappiness and irritation.

It is, you might say, the superior way of dealing with emotional issues.

But, just saying it works better doesn't help you a whole lot. Let's talk now about how to actually do this.


How to Use Reappraisal (and Spare Your Relationships)

First thing's first: if you're someone who lets emotions build up and then has to vent them, as I unfortunately was for a few negative years of my life sometime back, you must be aware of what your brain's normal process for dealing with bad emotions is right now:

  1. Subconscious encounters sticky situation it doesn't know how to deal with, and gets upset

  2. Subconscious throws sticky situation up to conscious and says, "That's all I've got; you need to handle this"

  3. Conscious feels bad emotions, looks at situation briefly, says, "I can't deal with this right now" and suppresses it, kicking it back to subconscious

  4. Subconscious sighs and keeps working on it, becoming more and more frustrated, more and more annoyed, more and more negative, and more and more hopeless and helpless that a resolution will ever be reached

  5. Subconscious starts throwing the problem back at conscious, which keeps suppressing it back into subconscious, which keeps growing more frustrated and escalating it back up to conscious, which keeps suppressing, and so on, and so forth, until, like a volcano that's built up too much magma underneath its stack, the top has to blow so all the negative emotions can be vented

  6. Individual seeks an outlet to vent his built up, bad emotions - can be a creative or physical outlet, or might be a girlfriend, friend, or loved one - different people have different coping strategies

  7. Individual now feels better, having put all the bad emotion he created playing ping pong with his problem between his conscious and subconscious; the cost is that his lover / friend / family member now has negative emotions anchored to him and has become less likely to want to spend time with him or be around him, out of fear of being made to feel bad again

That's the suppression process, and there's a good chance you're not even fully aware you're doing it unless you've taken a moment to put a magnifying glass on what processes your mind is running.

emotion regulation

If you need a bit more evidence this is happening, do this: one particularly stressful day, take time out of your day to sit down and meditate for about 10 minutes, clearing your mind of all thoughts by focusing on your breathing and letting your thoughts go. As you observe your thoughts, you'll soon be surprised to notice two (2) things:

  1. While we usually think we're only thinking about one thing at a time, you'll realize your brain is actually carrying somewhere between 8 and 15 distinct thought processes about all manner of different things at once that are of varying levels of conscious awareness

  2. Those problems earlier in the day that you'd pushed away because you didn't want to deal with them or didn't have time to deal with them never actually went away - in fact, your brain's been stuck on them even since they popped up into your awareness - they're serving as a sort of wrench jammed into your cognitive gears

Reappraisal works very differently. Reappraisal takes the tack of saying, "Here's a problem; I'd better deal with it now before it fills me up with bad emotions, wrecks my day, and makes me go take these emotions out on people I care about and poisons the well water with them."

There are three main strategies someone who tackles problems head on can employ:

  1. Solve the problem. Rather than kick it away because it's hard, clear your plate then and there and say, "Okay, I'm not going to do anything else until I deal with this problem." The instant you solve it, any need to vent about it VANISHES. Instead, you solve it - and you get an immediate testosterone boost. The winner effect kicks in, and instead of feeling like mud you now feel like a champ - this thing that was beating you down just got vanquished. And, instead of going to your friends, lovers, and family and venting, you go to them to boast about how you kicked this problem's ass... and instead of them seeing you as an emotional drain, they come to view you as an inspiring, victorious fixer instead.

  2. Attack the problem back. A good example of this is criticism that makes you feel bad - maybe that criticism is unfair, or maybe the criticism has the sting of truth in it - regardless, it hurts, and you don't like it. Instead of push it away, you either attack the criticizer back (if it's unfair) - you can use the moral superiority or disagreement tech for this - or you say to yourself, "All right, rather than pout about this, can I see if this person might have a point?" Then you analyze it, and either chuck the criticism if you find it's unfounded, or pick out the part of it that you can use to make yourself better and throw out any of the negativity or condescension in it that comes from a negative person who just doesn't know how to give criticism without trying to get an ego boost out of it. Now, instead of taking out the bad emotions on someone who cares about you, who's done nothing to deserve this, you either take them out on the person who's the source of the distress in the FIRST place, OR (if he has a point) you take the lesson from this, mentally thank him for helping you be better, and chunk any negative wrapping of that criticism. And you feel damn good either way.

  3. Put it in perspective. This sounds like one of those new age self-help-y nonsense things, but it legitimately works, and here's how it works: you have something that's making you feel bad and you just want to suppress and avoid (say, you're going to your tennis lessons, and you're the worst tennis player there, and you think everyone's got to be looking at you shaking their heads at how terrible you are), rather than push it away and feel bad and maybe end up skipping class altogether and having to go offload those emotions on someone else, stop for a minute, and say to yourself, "Okay, this is ridiculous. What's the worst case scenario - I go, I miss EVERY SINGLE SHOT and everyone there thinks I'm a complete newb? Who CARES? That's why I'm there - BECAUSE I'M A COMPLETE NEWB." You'll then laugh at how ridiculous you were being - and you'll go to tennis class without caring about how inexperienced you look - because now you remember that that's why you are going (as opposed to because you want to look so damn impressive to all the other, more-experienced students there).

That's reappraisal, and it's called reappraisal because you stop and consider the source of your negative emotion from a different perspective - and then you resolve it. Either through problem solving, going on the offensive, or mentally restating the issue to yourself in a way that puts it in stark relief.

And if you pounce on emotional problems the instant they appear with reappraisal, you never have to worry about the damaging effects of suppression and explosion/venting, which end up making both you and the person you're venting to feel worse.


Emotion Regulation Made Easy

Like we discussed in the article on depression, you need to spend a little time becoming more consciously aware of your emotions, and consciously directing them down a different path than you're accustomed to taking them down - and that's hard work. For the first month, at least, you'll be using a lot of willpower to force yourself to work through problems rather than just throw them on the see-saw of suppress-then-vent.

But if you take the time to learn this approach to dealing with emotions, the benefits are all kinds of good:

  • Your relationships become extremely stable, value-giving, and healthy

  • You yourself watch victim mentality and bad constant emotions dry up and go

  • You start to realize you yourself don't want and won't tolerate people who vent around you

  • Your problems, many of which remained constant thorns in your side before, suddenly start getting resolved quickly and easily, and your life progress and productivity levels go through the roof

  • Things that used to seem intimidating or impossible become intriguing challenges you can't wait to get your hands dirty diving into

Being able to regulate your own emotions without needing to lean on others around you as a crutch is freeing, for both you and them. It prevents you from destroying your relationships with those who care about you most by offloading your problems onto them, and it results in you discussing mainly victories with loved ones, rather than failures, defeats, and trials and tribulations.

And, it transforms you from someone who is a pessimist (since problems never get solved, they just nag and nag and nag) into someone who's far more likely to look on the bright side of things... I spent much of my life as the biggest pessimist in the world, and while I still do like to consider myself a "realist", I'm a lot more inclined to look on the brighter side of things these days (if still a mote cautiously).

And if I can do it, I don't see any reason why you can't... I was one of the most blockheaded, out-of-touch-with-my-emotions people for a big chunk of my life, and I learned how to recognize bad feelings and address them the moment they arose.

All it takes is a little mental labor to get in the habit of reappraising, rather than suppressing and venting, and you'll be flying.

If you need a little motivation... just think how awesome it will be to not feel like crap due to unresolved issues and rotting relationships from dumping those issues on others.

Instead, you end up with issues that resolve themselves toot suite, and relationships that are healthy, constructive, and largely venting-free.

Now that's a damn good way to live your life, if you ask me.

Chase Amante

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Comments

Royce's picture

Girl


Chase, great article. My question is that I talked to a girl for a couple of minutes who is in my campus once because it was a educational event(etc) then we parted our own ways and I only see her walking around sometimes but we have no classes and she's usually with her friend, so how should I start talking to her? I'd really appreciate the advice and thanks!

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Girl

Author

Royce-

See my response here: "Re: Girl."

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Puzzle


Hey Chase, i`ve been reading your site quite some while now.

I got a few short, puzzling questions as of late.

First one:

What / how do you answer if a girl says the following: "Whoa, what do i look like, an easy girl" ?
Basically, what opinion do you share to a girl about easy/hard won girls ??

Second one:

Is it a good idea to ask a girl for a 2nd date, while you are already on the first ??

For example, i am planning on making a one short, fun, informational date just to get us started and knowing.
And than i want to set up a 2nd date ASAP, for the next day if possible, without the fear of her interest levels going down.
And to proceed all the way on the 2nd date.

And third question:

I use facebook when i can`t find the girl anywhere in town. I often communicate via facebook ONLY with girls i have never seen in my life.
I use this technique: I add the girls, i chat them up 10 minutes the first day, than after two days i chat them up again and try to set up a date.

Now that has been a bugger as of late, but what came to mind is this:

Is it a good idea to chat them up 10 minutes the first day and than after two days to chat them up again Just to get her phone number and proceed over the phone ?

I know the rule is, ask the date first and than the number, but that has gone backwards for me recently.. But i am wandering what do you think her reactions will be for that proposal,
and if you have any help to share with me, please do.

Thanks for everything Chase.
Regards.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Puzzle

Author

Anon-

When a girl asks you a weird question, just ask her to explain it. Like:

Her: Whoa, what do I look like - an easy girl?

You: Well, what does that mean?

Her: What, an easy girl?

You: Yeah... what's the difference between a hard girl and an easy girl? How about a medium girl...? I'm not really sure what those words mean exactly or how you're using them.

Her: Well... [explanation]

You: Oh, that sounds really complicated. Well, I don't know about any of that stuff, but you just sound like a girl to me.

If you want more examples of addressing things like this, see these articles:

On second dates - see this article: "3 Second Date Strategies to Make Her Flirt and Swoon."

As for using chat on Facebook - I quit using chat in 2006 because I found there are just too many drawbacks to it... being on chat just makes you look too available, and it's too easy to get a rejection if she's busy, which stacks up negative compliance (and makes her less likely to see you), or be intrusive (you have no idea what she's doing - the last thing you want to her to see you as is annoying) - I'd recommend messages if at all possible. At the end of this (mostly against using Facebook) article, I outlined how you can best use Facebook with women here: "Why to NOT Meet Girls on Facebook." Typically you want to aim to have a phone number by the fourth message or so... I went more into writing messages specifically in these two articles:

Chase

Troy's picture

Voice/ Recovering after insults


Hey Chase! just a quick question. persons keep laughing everytime i talk and its just a mixture of my personality with how i talk. persons have told me that i talk too fast/ weird/ stupid. its just my body language that needs fixing up. how do i stop stammering ( when nervous), speaking too fast without sounding boring/ weird and like a fool? how do i correct my voice to sound NORMAL or like everyone that is around me?
Also, persons keep asking me questions that i dont want to answer such as: Are you a virgin, have you ever sucked a girls vagina, do you have a girlfriend, and they quiz me on things like these no matter what my answer. how do i difflect questions that i dont want to answer without always offending/ looking weird/ secretive? Ther are some personal things that i would rather not talk about nor answer. for example
Person: are you a virgin?
Me: Yes! (or no it doesnt matter what i say but they always quiz me)
Person: thats weird thats why you are so stupid.

i think you get the idea. also for me to insult everyone that insuls me takes a lot of time and is tiresome. when it comes my fake friends/ acquaintances/ even my good friends who insult me sometime, i dont think its a good idea to insult them back because it tends to backfire when they start ignoring me and even team up with my enemies. how do i shut someones insults down without causing future relationship breakdown and how do i get things back to normal after putting moral superiority to them in all kinds of situations? Thanks
Troy

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Voice/ Recovering after insults

Author

Troy-

Check out my response to the comment just above yours for what to do when addressing weird questions / social challenges.

On voice, all you can do is train yourself - record yourself speaking on your computer, listen to how it sounds; pick someone whose voice you like (e.g., an actor with clips on YouTube) and work to emulate it. Make a conscious effort to speak s-l-o-w-e-r... fast speakers always sound mousey, nervous, and funny. Slow speakers are dominant - and your speaking speed is 100% learnable, as is much of the rest of your voice. Also see this article: "Book Excerpts: Get a Sexy Voice" and, if you really need help, get a voice coach - the right one can work wonders.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

How about the interdependence angle?


“Would appear science is telling us that you aren't caught forever in a cycle of being emotional and needing to burden others with those emotions to feel better, damaging your relationships in the process - to the contrary.” I agree with your assessment that this the superior way of dealing with emotional issues…taking responsibility to solve problems and thus regulate emotional issues/behavior, instead of waiting (for who knows how long) for a savior to come along.
This advice seems to be all about independence, and having the ability to figure things out on your own (or ask pointed questions of those around you without necessarily revealing the emotional needs behind why you’re asking for their help). In the end, I agree that this is the most effective way of dealing with things and not waiting. Plus you grow when you have a challenge to overcome. If you take your advice to its logical conclusion then what you are really saying is: if you fix own damn problems then you won’t have anything to vent about which would avoid ruining relationships (at least not from venting). This is what independence is all about and I’m for that.

However, I think it would be interesting to also look at this situation from the point of view of interdependence. Doing so (and I know this goes beyond the topic of the seduction of Western women), we can ask the more interesting question, which is why does venting sometimes ruin relationships here in the parts of the West at all? Is it because society here in the USA places more focus on the individual’s ability/status over the community? In other words do people’s subconscious minds roughly say (in response to a venter, esp one they haven’t known all their life): “If I, the superior independent machine, can figure out how to regulate my emotions, then why is this more inferior fool complaining to me? He’s not interesting, so let’s dump him and move on?” Like what is going on?

You have to realize that my mental model revolves around how people move where I am from, (which is not the USA). In general, people there are friendlier to strangers and aren't afraid to say hi/good morning, etc to perfect strangers and make new acquaintances/friends fast. Most (not all) people would be friendly to you with you having to first impress them/seduce them. And people there routinely (when necessary) vent their most extreme frustrations, concerns, problems, etc to their close friends/loved ones all the time. For the most part, doing so doesn’t ruin relationships there (unless you’re a frequent complainer); instead people take interest in all the weird and strange situations that others they care about would encounter, and would chime in when they could. People there used the venting experiences for learning about and/or teaching how they would handle similar situations. In the end the point was “if we’re all strong, then the community is stronger, so do not be afraid to speak up.”

This type of behavior doesn't seem to happen in my USA city, and I suspect it’s simply a matter of a difference in culture/mental models, and that’s fine. Independence/status vs interdependence. I’m not saying one is right or wrong, it’s just that you need a mindset reboot when you relocate.

But as you can see from the various comments that people register on this site…people have a lot of hidden emotional issues that they probably never share with anyone. I suspect it's in part due to fear of being rejected (dismissed for being weaker or an emotional vampire). Some write in about thoughts of suicide, depression, etc… and have probably never really told anyone in their lives about it. Alot of people just don’t deal with emotions well here at all in my opinion, leading to anxiety and worse. Many hide, and I suspect this part of the reason why enthusiasm fades in relationships. People hide their flaws/weaknesses in the beginning until long into the relationship for fear of being rejected…and then when they finally do feel comfortable/or cannot consciously avoid revealing more of themselves, the significant other’s mental model (which was based on the initial façade) is shattered. Thus, enthusiasm fades (at least this is why mine fades).

Plus you, a deep-diving seducer, have probably met enough women who've vented things to you that they probably never ever tell most of their friends at all…it’s just that you were curious enough to ask while empowering them to open up. And these girls can truly say in a short amount of time “you know me better than anyone else in my life does…” You form that emotional connection with them fast because the more they talk about themselves and their emotions, the more they feel connected to you. Kinda like those same bonds people like to share with each other where I am from.

The observation that drove the comment on your naturals vs pua (very nicely written piece I might add) was simply that I was pondering on the subway one day recently and had an observation that whole bonding/venting thing with women is sometimes not a two way street for me here in my city. And in response, you and Franco (naturals) seem like you’re telling me that that is the way the world works here in parts of the USA…If so, that's fine, I can adapt!

Thanks for taking the time to dive deeper into this, I really like the 7-step process about reappraisal. Very important stuff. I do this stuff now myself, and I teach it to others who I come in contact with.

Once again great article!

Hum's picture

Excellent comment here


Anonymous,

This is really wonderful stuff you've written in response here. I grew up in the West so I have been surrounded by the mother culture that promotes this individualistic mentality that you have highlighted underpins chase's model for emotional regulation.

You've raised an issue that is concerning, that these venting incidents of heavy emotional issues facilitates learning about the world around you. In my experience this is absolutely true, because these heated emotional issues can reveal much about the meat of human existence because professionalism/personal promotion has been shoved to the side. If we reduce emotional venting do we also limit the range of perspectives we get exposed to? One of the obvious issues is that if you always deal with the really heavy stuff yourself you can insulate your conclusions about the correct interpretations/paths to take from any outside feedback that maybe quite enlightening. Essentially you would experience suboptimal growth.

I just hit a breaking point with a quasi girlfriend who is in love with me, and I love her too in my own way, a way that flows from the style of emotional control chase espouses. I had been seeing her but have also been open about my need to fuck other people while I figure things out. Interestingly I came to pretty much the same process of coping with emotion that is outlined here on my own. I do feel that for my personality it is the way forward, undoubtedly. Unfortunately it has had some side effects that appear to be destructive to serious intimate relationships. My calm in heavy emotional situations didn't play well where my former lover was bearing her soul and expressing concern over our relationship's future. She perceived my emotional control as a detached indifference, which led to all kinds of nasty speculation on her end. In reality I was just sitting calmly and trying to understand and give good counsel, as opposed to feeding into my emotional pool. For really emotionally intense people like my girl (and these can be wonderful people to be around) it can be quite frustrating. I have found that when you start handling your emotions on your own you start relaying only the information you think is needed for the other person, which leaves out all the emotional gobblygook that would come out normally and affirm the person you are with that you are engaged beyond a calculating level.

Chase, any thoughts on this state of things Anonymous has brought up, or on potential causes and solutions to what I've experienced? The only thing I could think of to do is remain focused on the calculative emotional control and simply express verbally all the emotional concerns underlying the outcome weighing I am doing. I still wonder if I'll come across too detached though...

Chase Amante's picture

Interdependence vs. Independence

Author

Anon / Hum-

Really interesting perspectives - glad you brought this to my attention. I hadn't much thought about it, but you're right - girlfriends, friends, and acquaintances I've had from South America, Southeast Asia, and Africa have their emotional faucets pretty much always turned on - men and women alike are constantly pouring out emotions to one another, back and forth, around and around.

Contrast that with North America, Europe, or East Asia, where people are staid and keep their emotions to themselves, and pouring out your emotions to someone else is, rather than a bonding thing, something burdening.

And there are exceptions - you'll meet the reserved older guy from South America who doesn't show much emotion, and you'll meet the really emotional person from America or Europe who's a waterfall of feeling. But these are outliers.

I don't know if it has to do with the climate, or it might be a time orientation thing - you'll notice that most of the people who are feeling-based are past- or present-oriented, while the people who are not so feeling-focused are future-oriented. In the RSA animate video about time orientation, Zimbardo discusses how orientations evolve out of climate, with seasons never changing in warmer climes and less necessity to plan for the future, or even much note the passage of time.

If I had to venture a tentative guess, my suspicion would be that present-oriented (and maybe past-oriented?) people bond by sharing about what they're feeling right now, in the moment, and this is how they connect. This sharing is not a burden, because once the emotion has been shared, it's gone, and it's no longer thought about by either party.

Future-oriented people are taking all the stimuli they receive into account and trying to plan around it and figure out where to take it in the future. So when a present-oriented person comes up and hands all his feelings off to a future-oriented person, the future-oriented person's mind sets to work on the problems he's been handed, examining how to resolve them, trying to figure out all the different angles, and taking as his task the resolution of his friend's woes.

Meanwhile, the present-oriented person now feels happy that he's bonded and connected with someone, and has since moved on from what he was feeling a few moments ago and is now feeling something new.

So, my guess would be that these are fundamentally different styles of thinking about, interpreting, and relating to the world clashing, with what feels like bonding to one person becoming a burden to another. I've personally had to greatly reduce over time much of my interaction with present-oriented friends because of exactly this - they're very emotional people, and when people come and put their emotions on me, it instantly forces me into "problem resolution mode" (outside of my control - I can't stop it), and now instead of working on whatever I was working on before, I'm sucked into working on their problems for them… quite distracting and annoying.

I suspect though, for another present-oriented person, one present-oriented person sharing a bunch of emotions with another present-oriented person is just a momentary emotion spike, and then it's on with each other's days.

That's another difference I've noticed - the permanence or not of emotions. Present-oriented people have very fleeting emotions; one moment, they're really upset, and the next, they're laughing and having a great time. When you're future-oriented, your emotions are much slower to change, but once they HAVE changed, they're stuck that way, until some other big thing comes along to shift gears.

When present-oriented people vent to one another, it's no big deal, because if they make each other feel bad, well, they'll just go do something fun and be feeling better again in a minute. When a present-oriented person vents to a future-oriented person, the future-oriented person takes all those emotions on, and now his entire day is ruined. Thanks, present-oriented person! he thinks.

Anyway, that'd be my rough analysis - different mental setups among different cultures leading to different reactions to others conducting emotion-sharing with them - for one mental setup, this is fun and bonding and good, while for another, it's burdensome and draining and something to be gotten away from.

So then - assuming I'm not talking completely out of my ass here - if you're someone with a great need to share, what you'll want to look for is women who similarly are emotional shareaholics, rather than women who are the more reserved future-oriented people who don't deal so well with others' emotions. There's probably more nuance to how you select an appropriate or compatible partner for emotion-sharing, but this isn't something I can comment on personally, since it isn't something I do.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

English women


Can you male an article on attracting english women from the uk like what age group women like, preferences, manners vs confidence etc.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: English women

Author

Anon-

It's already on the list!

Chase

SlowHand's picture

So thats what that is ...


...Ever since I started reading this site, coming to terms with my 'newb' status with women and finally beginning to tackle the problem head on, I've begun to naturally adopt the reappraisal mentality. I think as you begin making progress with a problem as daunting as women, a lot of your other emotional problems become clarified as well, and don't really seem like that big of a deal (ie put in perspective).

But until I read this post, I had no idea that is actually what is happening ... enlightening! I love the fact that you take the time to include academic research in your articles. Not only does it give a huge credibility boost (not that your original content doesn't indicate it already) but it is inspiring and shows the type of work/research you have to put in to get a quality product. BRAVO!

My question is this: how can you let the emotional dumpers that you already have in your life know that they aren't really welcome. I've always been the kind of person who wanted to be liked by everyone, not make waves ... very much the normal identity in your previous article. So, that meant that I didnt want to be rude when others came to me for help (ie take an emotional dump). After a while, the relationship kind of solidifies based on that dynamic ... so, how can I politely tell them to take their shit somewhere else?

Looking forward
SH

Chase Amante's picture

Tasking Complainers

Author

SH-

Absolutely true - one of the reasons I prefer technique to talking about too much mind stuff is that you'll usually find most internal issues will sort themselves out as you correct external problems (not all, though… there are certainly plenty of people who have great lives externally, but are broken internally).

People who are over sharers are dealt with easily enough: give them something to do, then tell them you don't want to hear any more complaining from them until they've done it. They do not like this, because it's not why they're coming to you - they don't want to fix their problems, they just want to unload about them.

So, one of these people will come to you, and go into moaning about something, and you'll say, "Stop. Okay. You know what you have to do? Go do X, and when you've done it, come back to me and tell me if the problem is better." And they'll whine about it, and say it won't work or they don't want to, and you'll say, "I don't care - you're burdening me with your problems, so since you're making your problems my problems, you're now going to take my solution - it's obvious you can't come up with one on your own. Go do it and report back," and then get rid of them. Keep telling them, "Go do it and report back," and, "I don't care, go do it," and, "I don't want to hear about it - go do it." Make the point of the conversation not listening, but insisting that they do what you're telling them to do, and refuse to listen to any more griping until they do it. Be firm - don't give them 5 more minutes to vent. When you tell them go do it, mean it, and don't waver.

They'll come back a little later to unload more emotions on you again, and you'll say, "Wait, hold up a second. Before we get into more complaining - did you do what I told you to last time?" and they'll say no, and you'll say, "All right, well I do NOT want to hear another WORD about this until you do it. Okay? You're suffering - I don't care. I already told you what to do. Go do it, and the suffering will stop. If you're not going to do it, don't keep wasting my time with a problem that's easily fixable if you'll just sit down and fix it."

Occasionally you'll actually snap them to attention, and then they'll go get their lives in order.

Usually though, they'll just start feeling like they're hitting an iron wall of "don't care" whenever they come talk to you, and someone who doesn't "get it" - they don't want to FIX it, they want to COMPLAIN about it!

Then, they'll go find someone else to unload to instead… since you obviously aren't a very good listener anymore.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

why do girls like to cuddle


why do girls like to cuddle so much and I don't just mean after sex? I have career milestones to complete.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: why do girls like to cuddle

Author

Skin contact releases oxytocin, a feel good / bonding / trust hormone. Happens in both men and women, but it's especially true in women.

Chase

Craig's picture

Social Circle


Hi Chase,

If it's a social circle situation, how is it better to ask a girl out on a date/future hangout or push things forward the night of and get sexual? If it's asking for a date, how much sexual attraction do you build before cutting it off or do you stop at friendly banter?

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Social Circle

Author

Craig-

Whether you push for a future meetup or for something then and there is going to depend a good deal on the social circle (how tightknit is it, or how loose? How well do you know this girl? How often do you see her? What's your reputation in the circle, and what's hers? etc.) and on the context (e.g., a midday picnic vs. a dark, drunken party late at night).

These articles will help clarify most of the details:

As for asking on a date, you generally don't want too much sexual tension... just a little enough for her to be intrigued is good. If you build too much, then don't release it, there's a hard come down, and quite often some missed escalation windows to deal with.

Chase

aldon's picture

Chase, I read your guide on


Chase, I read your guide on how to get a girl back but need more specific direction. Im not completely sure why she chose this guy over me, it might be because she thought I wasn't interested. He also seems far from her type which is strange. Anyway she was hostile at first but seems to show more interest and warmess towards me now (I catch her glancing at me and trying to get my attention). Problem is, she is in a fresh relationship. Do I slow play this or does/ would she want me to lead and steal her from the new guy? Should i expect her to leave him on her own because I definitely don't want to put her in a cheating position or want her to think I'm unethical like that. What should I focus on and how would this be different from picking up a new girl? Thanks! Can you also elaborate on what the sensei programs are about?

Chase Amante's picture

Girl Who Chose Another Guy

Author

Aldon-

Girls will tend to convert guys who've been pursuing them a while into friend zone friends by acting a little flirty and making the guy feel like he still has a bit of a shot, but never really letting him get in shooting range. To get a better idea where you stand, see this article:

Preselection / jealousy plotlines are always your best bets for restoring lost attraction... though a better bet usually is simply cutting contact and moving on.

As for Sensei - it was an audio interview product where I'd either interview a guy who was talented with women about his methods and how he learned what he knows about girls, or I'd walk through a coaching session with a student and answer a variety of different questions about game. Sensei's been discontinued for almost 2 years now, though we do still have the last four released editions available in a packaged set here: Seduction Sensei Vol. #2 - 5.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

sites getting better


i gotta say, this is the best article as of date for me.. since i am currently mentoring middle schoolers with outside problems and the example from Reappraisal vs. Suppression gave me some insight and will find a way to lead them to lead them to think more reappraisal...and the tennis explanation helped me understand this concept... because in a way im like that at the moment being a newb in a new sport and the feeling everyone's shaking their head while i struggle is spot on to your perspective.
hence, now being aware of this will give me less stress and share this strategy with kids who wants to try something new and feel less pressure about it.

thanks chase!

i accidently found your site with Can't Stop Thinking of Her a long time ago... and that article helped me a lot...haha

Anonymous's picture

Will more rejections result in more eventual interest?


Hey Chase!

Got a quick question for you regarding girls who go into auto-rejection and the psychology of bringing her back.

There is a girl in my graduate program who went into autorejection due to me not moving fast enough.

Now, I come off to girls as smooth and very high value when I hit the escalation windows, but have issues with not moving fast enough sometimes.

I've had almost an exact scenario occur last year with another girl.... she's the one who got me into PUA and what not.

With that girl, I persisted for 3 more times, then cut contact.

She later came back with interest and chased me a bit.

My question is:

If I have only gotten one rejection from this girl, and she doesnt know/hasnt seen that I am very popular with women and people, would it be advisable to just get a few more so that she gets used to the attention from me and so the effect when I "leave" and "cut contact" is greater than that of if I had only racked "one rejection".

I am very curious because it seems in many cases that the harder you chase a girl, the more pronounced the thoughts of "why isnt he texting me anymore" become.

In other words, would this scenario ever work out?

1) generate 1 or 2 more rejections

2) cut contact

3) have her seeing you with other girls

4) if she starts to be interested again, reengage?

thanks chase!

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Will more rejections result in more eventual interest?

Author

Anon-

You're better off just disappearing and coming back later sans extra rejections.

When a girl doesn't much remember you, it's easier to come back later and hit the reset button and have her intrigued again... "Oh wait, who was Anon again? How do I know him? How come I didn't want to go out with him the first time around again? Hmm, I can't really remember... what if he's cute!"

If there are more rejections and you've solidified yourself as someone she's turned down repeatedly in her mind, even if you come back in a better position later, she's going to assume it's easier for her to get a handle on you again - she just needs to get that handle, and once she has it, she'll be back in command of the dynamic between you and her once more. So, you end up walking a tightrope in which she needs to be chasing non-stop the entire time, or else you fairly easily fall back into her playing coy all over again.

Chase

J's picture

Womens emotions


I have an interesting question about emotions with women. I'm dating a girl who on one day is very submissive and coy like a good girl nympho behind closed doors but on the next is confident, challenging and dominant like a cougar looking for her next prey. I've lived in big cities all my life and I've never met a single girl who fluctuates to both extremes before. Anything you can tell me about these types of women if you have any experience with this? Is this something I have any control over and which side of her should I be encouraging; which side does she want me to lead her to?

Chase Amante's picture

Fluctuating Emotions

Author

J-

Wildly fluctuating emotions are usually an indication of an underlying personality disorder - the wildest swings come with borderline personality disorder (BPD), which is essentially an emotional stunting that occurs due to rough childhood experiences (emotionally, she never progresses beyond pre-puberty).

If you want an idea of what this looks like, and to read through the characteristics and see if this might be her, I'd suggest having a read through this article:

Symptoms of BPD

Crazy girls can be a lot of fun in bed and in relationships for a while, but make no mistake - they will burn you in the end.

Chase

J's picture

Don't understand what that means


Sorry Chase can you clarify? What do you mean by "burn you in the end?"

Does it sound like this girl has bpsd? I remember you saying somewhere how you make lionesses turn into kittens but is that like a temporary thing in the moment and then they revert back to lionesses until you tame them over and over for the rest of the relationship when they're in that mood?

Anonymous's picture

Things you can't control


Hey Chase,

I had a question about how to deal with problems that are REALLY out of your power to fix. Like, being hated for being another race/color in your community, loved ones that died, the problems of other people close to you (like them wanting/trying to commit suicide), Police trying to make your life as miserable as possible, trying to be a better person but things keep coming up that makes you either suck it up and let injustice be done or take action and justice for yourself and people around you etc.

Some things really are out of your power and you can never change that no matter how hard you try.

Do you just accept the fact that some things cannot be changed?(bottling up your frustrations)

Some things make you feel so weak and powerless. How do you deal with these things?

Sorry for my bad english, tried to explain it as good as possible

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Things you can't control

Author

Anon-

You can't control everything, this is true. You can control how you respond to the things you can't control, and you can also change environments / circles to minimize negative influences, and get enough good things going on that bad things are tremendously offset.

If there's a LOT of racism, I'd move, for instance. I'd just get out. There are enough places that don't have this that there's no point staying somewhere you aren't welcome.

You can also improve your likability to the extent that you effectively become "bigger than race". e.g., I've had girlfriends of several races who usually don't like black people and have a lot of negative stereotypes in their minds about them, but then they meet one of my really cool, extremely likable black friends, and have nothing but gushing compliments for him. Or, I've been in very conservative small towns in Asia where girlfriends have told me about how distastefully the locals think about foreigners, but they meet me and are super intrigued and all genuine smiles and kind gestures and think I'm charming and wonderful and tell my girlfriend that, okay, HE is charming and nice and attractive, but they still think all other foreigners are rude and ugly. This is actually kind of a cool thing to experience, when you are so beyond racial stereotypes that people say or think things like, "I don't usually like his race / nationality, but he's not like all those OTHER ones - he's super cool!"

Police is another one that solves itself when you upgrade yourself - I used to get stopped by the police on the street, and had a running joke with friends and family that I couldn't go through airport screening without being "randomly selected" to have my belongings searched and get a pat-down - sometimes even after I was already past security. As I started dressing better and changed my facial expressions from "intimidating" to "cool and sexy", this pretty much vanished altogether.

People dying comes down to your philosophy on life; I had one of my favorite relatives die, and when everyone else was sobbing and upset, I thought, well, I'm certainly sad and going to miss him, but really that's just my own selfishness; he lived a full life, did everything he wanted to do, and came into death as we all eventually must do. Whether he has some kind of after life or his consciousness was just here one moment, gone the next, he doesn't care (or is happy); the only sad ones are us still breathing. The family members I know who fear death or can't accept it are also the ones who dealt with that loss the least well, I noticed.

You also need to build a lot of empowerment and success and take-charge into your life to ensure a positive control-to-not-in-control ratio in. The more in-control of your life you feel (e.g., the freer and more autonomous), the better you feel, and the less any individual control-taking event impacts you; the less in-control you feel, the more restrained and restricted you feel, and the more depressed. Hobbies, pastimes, skills you're learning, business you're starting, plans you're making, goals you're working to achieve - all of these are things you can use to introduce varying measures of control into your life. Fill your life up with things you can control, and get away from things you can't, or advance yourself to the point that the things outside your control that previously targeted you no longer feel the need or desire to do so.

Chase

Vincent W.'s picture

Great insights as always


Chase,

I love these types of articles. I really do think that to be a successful seducer, one must be a complete, whole person who is aware of and a good manager of his emotions.

Have you written any or plan on writing articles about achieving specific goals that require time and commitment?

As a graduate student, I have a major exam to take in about four months from now and I'm just starting to study now for it. It seems like a mountain to climb but I know it's doable with keeping away from distractions and maximizing study time. However, I easily get distracted and lose motivation from time to time.

Can you please offer some insight?

Thanks,
Vincent

Chase Amante's picture

Goals Requiring Time and Commitment

Author

Vincent-

I know the feeling... I think losing focus is a huge problem for well nigh everybody. The brain just wasn't built to obsessively focus on something without breaks for prolonged periods of time. It likes rewards, but it wants easy rewards.

My solution for this is tapping the brain's natural penchant for seeking quick rewards that are challenging to get but not impossible; I call it the "100 hour rule", and it might be just what you're looking for:

The 100 Hour Rule

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Chase, what is a good thing


Chase,
what is a good thing to say or do when people create intentionally or not intentionally create awkward tension when you are in a group; the person or people say things like "you two would make a good couple", "do you like [girls name]", stuff like that when me and her are standing right next to eachother?

Chase Amante's picture

Social Challenges

Author

Anon-

See this article: "The 5 Ways to Answer a Challenge in Social Situations" - will answer this question for you, and then some.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

How to handle this girl's emotions and leave her better off?


Hi Chase!

I am currently a graduate student and recently I met an freshman-sophomore undergrad at a party who is like 5 years younger than me. I was very drunk and ended up taking her home but didn't have sex with her because she told me she had daddy issues and seemed pretty messed up emotionally. I made out with her in bed, and being drunk, I started to tell her about all the other girls I was dating and even showed her texts. She claimed that I was a player and probably wouldnt even text her again.

I wanted to show her I wasn't a player and didnt want her feelings hurt so I texted her for a lunch date after she left in the morning.

During the lunch date, she really seemed defensive and trying to hold her emotions back since she didn't want to get hurt as she kept thinking I was this player.

Right before I left the date, I asked if she wanted to get dinner sometime (me trying to assuage her fears), which she cautiously said yes. Now, its been a few days and I haven't called her, but I really dont want to go since being a born again Christian, I told myself I wouldnt pursue girls like that again.

I have no idea if she really wanted to go on a dinner date or not but would like to leave her off better than I found her. Would you just not text her, or would you text her something of the sort:

"Hey, I got sick (I am really sick) and dont think I can do dinner since finals are almost here. I think you're a great girl though and I've never met someone like you before. Hope to see you around and be friends with you, lemme know if you ever need anything!"

or is there something else which you would text to not leave a girl hurt and feeling rejected?

Thank you Chase!

Chase Amante's picture

Ending Things Delicately

Author

Anon-

With something like this, I'd probably just text her that I'm really sick, and going crazy trying to stuff prepping for finals in between blowing my nose and moaning in bed, and would she be okay postponing dinner to next semester?

She'll say "okay", or if she wasn't interested at all (or is super emotional and goes into auto-rejection) simply won't respond, and then you can just let things be there - she'll only half expect to hear back from you next semester (and if she ends up contacting you, you'll know she's pretty interested, at least in seeing you again).

Chase

Wolf's picture

3 questions


Ok chase, imma make everything I asked into 3 questions, I know you have a lot of comments on here. So ill make it brief.

1. Why is it when a girl who gives me her number goes cold on me after I send her a pic she asks for? What should I do if a girl asks me again? The pics look good, i know they do, i even do the sedy smile, and other tips that you posted on taking pics for pof. I only do it when they ask because we have brief convo and I doubt im the only dude they talked to.

2. Should I try to sleep with all girls? Meaning every girl i interact with, e.g. waitresses, social circle, cold approach, work, cashiers, etc. Should I try to sleep with them all?

3. The person that posted this video wanted to show how girls act towards a black guy approaching them,

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yLa7LPdDbzw

please tell me it isn't that bad for black guys doing cold approach and can you point out what's wrong with his fundamentals ?

Thank you chase.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: 3 questions

Author

Wolf-

On pictures - don't send women your pictures. It's a weird request for someone they aren't close with / sleeping with yet, and if you comply, you're firmly into "chasing her" territory. How do you think most women would respond to you if you asked them for pictures after you'd talked to them for just a little bit and traded phone numbers? They'd probably think you were some kind of a weirdo. When you get these requests, say, "Yeah, sure, I'll send that to you," then don't send anything. Focus on getting girls on dates - they can see what you look like again in person.

On sleeping with all women - well, if you're trying to sleep with EVERY woman you interact with, you're probably going to have difficulty interacting with women normally. I've known a handful of guys who were constantly sizing up every single woman they met for sex... one of those guys was prolific with women, though often with some real bottom-of-the-barrel types of girls, but the rest were just creepy and not good with girls at all. I probably wouldn't advise this route.

And as for that guy in those videos... his approaches are TERRIBLE. He's lurching around the sidewalk, just creeping, and then as soon as an attractive girl comes by he POUNCES on her, like a lion who's been sitting in the grasses waiting for an oblivious gazelle to come wandering nearby. His walk is a shuffle - not sexy at all; he's coming at women from bad angles; he's holding his hand out like a salesman and telling them to wait (for what? Why should they wait?); and his clothes make him look like a big, saggy candy cane - they're way too big for him (especially the pants), and are most definitely NOT sexy or fashionable.

To be honest, I'm surprised he's not getting blown out even harder... notice in the description he's complaining about coming at women "respectfully", too - women don't want a man who's respectful. They want one who's attractive, alluring, and sexually exciting... very big difference.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase I have a stupid


Hey Chase
I have a stupid question for you. Do women like big rough hands with rough callouses or soft hands?

Thank you,
Anon

Chase Amante's picture

Hands

Author

Anon-

I think this is one of those things that comes down to the woman herself, and what her past experiences have been like. If she had a great past lover with soft, delicate hands, she probably finds these quite alluring.

If, conversely, she had a fantastic relationship with her father, and her father had rough, callused hands, she probably prefers her men with hands like this too.

Chase

V's picture

So hard to approach


Hey Chase, I read one of your comment replies to flattery and saying that people want to get something from you so they complement you.

I just want to tell you I give you compliments because I feel you really do deserve them and you really help me out in life and made me a better man, so whenever I give you compliments and thanks, I really mean it, because you really helped me out.

I do have a few questions, because I don't understand this fully.

I really don't know how to day time approach chase, all I can mostly do Is just cat call n yell out a complement. Its very hard to do this for me, from the street, to the mall, it's just extremely difficult.

One of the most difficult things about it is I don't see too many girls looking at me, which would make it 10x easier to approach but since they're not looking my way I feel like they're not interested.

This shit sucks so much, I read all the articles about aa and I know you say to just push threw it and do it, but it is extremely difficult for me. I fear rejection so much and I fear of being awkward and feeling awkward. My body feels like it's going to explode just thinking about it.

The only way I can really approach is by cat calling, which is what I've seen growing up and it feels easier to do, and I feel less fear of rejection.

I do go out chase and try to push threw, but my mind is like she's not even looking your way so she does not want you, or I might think she doesn't like the type of guy you are, or what ever.

This shit is hard foreal, but I want you to know I try and do it as much as I can, just very difficult for me.

All I can ask is,

1. What do I have to put in my head to calm me down? I feel like this is life or death.

2. If girls aren't looking at you does that mean theyre not interested?

3. What baby steps can I take in approaching women sexually, im not talking about asking for time or some ultra indirect questions.

4. seeing girls walking to their destination doesn't seem like it would be easy to use any type of indirect game, but I dont feel comfortable enough to go direct without it coming off too hood and catcalling, what should I do?

5. How do I lessen my fear of rejection?

6. How do I stop all this reading and finally do something?

Thank You!!!!

Chase Amante's picture

Questions

Author

V-

Yeah, no worries. But that is the basic gist of how most people use comments, 90% of the time!

There's nothing else I can say on the internal side of things aside from what I've already said on here a thousand times about getting your mind right - it's all in the articles, and ultimately it's all in just going out and doing it.

I've only ever seen catcalling kind of work, once, and every other time I've seen it (and I used to see it a LOT back in DC) it's been a waste of breath, and makes the guy look more like a bully to girls than someone interesting - I actually had a girl (a very pretty girl, in fact!) assault me because she thought I was one of the people catcalling her (I wasn't... never catcalled in my life).

If you're worried about not being attractive to women, I'd suggest working on your fundamentals - there are articles all over the site that cover the various aspects of these, and there's even more content on the forum. Getting these polished does wonders for the receptions you get from women... trust me.

For starting out, I'd suggest you either get the eBook, and follow all the steps (it's laid out so you can start from scratch and go on up), and do ALL the homework. I have rafts of testimonials from guys about how big a change in their sex lives they've seen from just reading the book and doing what I tell you to do in there. If you can't afford $40, then at least get on the Newbie Assignment over on the forums, and start journaling. The guys who've stuck with it and gone through the full assignment have seen some pretty impressive transitions.

Chase

V's picture

How to get girls as orbiters and use as pre selection/ work girl


Hey chase I was wondering how do I get girls to be my orbiters and get girls for pre selection?

You know how you see all these guys comment on girls pics and everything else on social media?

How can I do that?

How can I make girls suck up to me like these guys do?

I want to use them for pre selection but I dont know how to do it.

How can I get many girls to like all my comments and pictures?

How do I get orbiters?

Another question I have is about girls at work, alot of girls like me at work and I want to sleep with them, should I go for it?

Thank you!!!

Chase Amante's picture

Wingwomen and Work

Author

I'm not going to go into getting orbiters, because I think that's an unethical abuse of power (whether you're a male or a female... I can understand women, a little bit, needing some security... but even then, not that much), but you might want to check this article out for getting girls who will come out with you when you're meeting new women:

On girls from work - Drex just got an article up on this here:

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Dating Asian Women and Hypocrisy


Chase, I have a question regarding asian women, I had noticed a post by a poster in the previous article where he talked about a Chinese girl who liked him at first but later became uninterested in him. A chinese girl had commented that it was a bad idea to use jealousy plotlines.

I am a chinese american guy, and I come off pretty attractive to most asian girls. However, it seems that from what you wrote, if you were to go after more than one girl girl or be seen in public with any girls at all, all the other girls will think you are a player. However, a lot of asian girls I see love to be flirtatious and have a bunch of guys around them but the moment a guy is seen with many girls, they label him a player, etc....

Would this be hypocrisy? How would you be able to date asian women at all?

Anonymous's picture

Just as a follow-up


Also, would it help if he brought a few guys along with the girl instead of just the attractive girl herself? Meaning, would jealousy work if instead of just one girl by herself, a group of mixed genders came in? Would that be the way to conduct "social proof" by women for asian girls?

Chase Amante's picture

Playgirls Who Don't Like Playboys

Author

Anon-

It very much depends on the woman, but the Asian women I've seen doing this in the States (have lots of men around them, but can't handle men with lots of women around them) are typically highly narcissistic, and prefer going for men they can have a certain measure of control over. You can still get these women, but you have to execute things nearly perfectly, and be impressive enough that you override their usual aversion to people with strong personalities (assuming that's you), or alternately be the quieter, harder-to-get male, and just hope you pique their interest enough that they'll chase you down and take you for a relationship. I talked about narcissistic women a good bit more in this article: "Dating Narcissistic and Egotistical Women."

As for the mixing of genders deal… yes, that might be a good alternate solution, actually. Bring along some guy friends and a cute girlfriend, and that might be ambiguous enough that she's intrigued but not auto-rejecting.

Chase

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