Preparedness: The All-Important Seduction Tool


Back in 2006, I had a date in Washington, D.C. with a beautiful Puerto Rican girl, who just exuded sensuality. I'd met her riding the metro one day, I no longer remember to where. Regardless, I was still getting my feet under me, and was pretty clumsy in how I ran my dates at that point - and this date ended up being no exception.

We went to get brunch first, and I decided to try out asking a girl to pay for me for the first time. I was a little nervous doing it... and she was furious. She got really upset. She was clearly insulted. She scolded me on how women in Puerto Rico never pay for dates.

But then she calmed down... and then she paid for us both.

preparedness seduction

After that, I figured I'd take her to the Barnes & Noble nearby, and we grabbed some books and sat down together. Her anger had transformed into raw, heaving lust... as will tend to happen when women overcome some staunchly held rule of theirs and cut you an exception, then continue spending time on you (complete surprise to me at the time, though). In the bookstore, she was soon leaning up against me on the ground beneath the book stacks, breathing heavy, the sexiest smile in the world on her face, and seemed for all the world to be puffing out plumes of pheromones into the air around us. Both of us were very turned on.

But Barnes & Noble turned out to be a bad call - and another sign I didn't really know what I was doing. Yet, rather than take her home then and there, I'd already decided earlier that I should buy her ice cream to even out the spending (since she'd paid for lunch) - yet another bad call. Things went from hot to lukewarm while we at ice cream... and then I finally invited her home to talk and relax some more.

I decided to have us walk from there back to my apartment - a 20-minute walk. Half way there, any last vestiges of desire had faded away completely and been replaced by complaining about how far we were walking and where we were going, and it didn't stop for the rest of the walk. I took her up to the roof of my building, which I hadn't scoped out carefully enough before, and we ended up sitting there in uncomfortable seats positioned too far away from one another. After about 10 minutes of rather platonic chatting, I tried to move her back down to my apartment, but she decided she'd rather just go home.

The magic was gone.

And I learned an important lesson: make sure you're prepared for anything that happens.


preparedness seduction

I botched that date so bad because I'd expected it to go very differently than it did. Namely, many of the things that happened I had not expected to happen:

  • I hadn't expected her emotions to spike after I asked her to pay

  • I hadn't expected that anger, mixed with us touching in the bookstore, to arouse her so heavily and put her in "mating mode"

  • I hadn't expected to have to try and get a girl out of a bookstore and back to my place in only a few minutes before the fire wore off and she went ice cold

  • I hadn't expected to need to be trying to sleep with her as soon as we got back

  • I hadn't expected the rooftop to be so un-sexy, based on some other rooftops I'd used before

  • I hadn't expected to be trying to run things from behind, with the emotional crest already having come and gone - I thought I'd still be building up to the crest by the time I got her back home

My lack of preparation in this case spelled my doom, and I lost the girl, never to see her again. I tried many times over the next few months to get her out for a second date, but she'd only counteroffer to have me come join her with her and her friends out cavorting around in what I knew was probably a drive to reposition me in the friend zone.

I'd gone from girl heaving with desire for me to girl who only wanted me as a "just friends" orbiter all because I hadn't been properly prepared.


Knowing Your Contingencies

Ricardus talked about preparedness and backup plans before on this site, in "What If She Doesn't Have Time? (and Other Contingencies)." In "Other Contingencies", Ric was mostly focused on what happens if you're planning for a "yes" or a "no", and you get a "maybe"... one of the big ones that will throw you off when you're not yet accustomed to it.

I won't go over that again so we're not repeating ourselves too much here. What I want to talk about today is a different kind of contingency planning; namely, what happens when things move at a pace you simply did not expect?

We'll talk a little about when you expect things to happen fast, but find they happen slow.

But what I really want to talk about is the one that makes you pull out your hair the most when you're just learning... what happens when you thought things were going to take a while, but suddenly they just start happening a whole lot faster than you'd planned them to?


Fast as Fast Can Be

Having girls you thought it was going to be a piece of cake with put the brakes on is annoying, but it usually isn't the end of the world... there are only two things you really need to do when you have things break this way:

  1. Be nonplussed. Put on your best game face and do your best to act like everything is going exactly as you planned... even though it isn't.

  2. Decide whether to push for the close or use date compression. If she's slowed things way down, you can either break out the hard push and your best to make something happen now, or you can decide to end things a little bit early, while you're still in control and can wrap them up on your own terms, and employ date compression instead. Which you use depends on your situation (just in town for a night vs. this is where you live; plenty of free time to pursue subsequent meetings vs. extremely busy and it's now or never; etc.) and on what your objective is with the encounter (try to push your limits as much as possible vs. lock up a girl you think you might want as a girlfriend).

The main variable to overcome with girls throwing on the emergency brake is just remaining visibly unaffected and not looking like you've had the wind sucked out of you, and then planning appropriately and either pushing for more then and there or ending things on a high note soon thereafter, rather than letting them drag out interminably in the confused "What do I do now?" way many an inexperienced man does when the girl does not bite on the things he thought she was going to bite on.

preparedness seduction

Just keep in mind to play it cool and either push for more or wrap it up, and you'll be fine.

But that's just when she wants to move slower than you expected. When she wants to move faster, well... that's a whole 'nother ball game.

Because when she wants to move faster with you, now it's not just the matter of you not knowing exactly what to do and finding yourself somewhat adrift, but it's also the matter that you're dealing with a rapidly-expiring escalation window... and, the clock is ticking.


preparedness seduction

I'd say it took me a pretty healthy chunk of time to get to a place where I was usually not surprised by women wanting (or needing) to move unexpectedly fast with me.

Before then, it was quite often jarring, or even annoying. I'd often end up feeling something akin to, "But there's a lot more I need to do with you first - I'm not ready to have all this pressure put on me yet!"

Even still, I'd push myself to speed things up as much as I could and try to give girls what they wanted in these scenarios... frequently botching things, but sometimes getting lucky and stumbling my way to success, and their (and my) satisfaction.

Of course, that's when I started encountering the issues I talked about in the article on performance anxiety - things were happening so fast and unexpectedly I was out of my element and not ready to perform - but even then I was of the mind that you should always be having sex if you had the chance to with a reasonably attractive girl (who wasn't crazy or anything like that), because it's an important part of the training and reward system for leveling up your abilities with the fairer sex.

The mindset I finally ended up with, and the kind of preparations I learned how to take, are what I'll be discussing for the remainder of the article here.


Mental Preparedness

The first rule of mental preparedness in seduction is realizing that the different women you meet will be ready to go at all kinds of different speeds, and that the tighter your fundamentals get, the faster those speeds generally are.

What shocked me a lot early on with women was that I did not see myself as a sexy man. I was a little chunky, I had bad clothes and a cheap haircut, my voice was inelegant, and I was sometimes a little too much of a dick (inadvertently). My only redeeming attractive qualities were that I was somewhat facially attractive, I had excellent eye contact, moved slowly and powerfully, had a pretty sharp wit, and I had something of an edge already developed. But, coming from a background of not interacting with women much except in the most superficial of interactions, I considered myself an extreme underdog who had a lot of work to do.

And while I did get rejected by girls quite a bit - and you never reach a point where you never get rejected - I nevertheless had some girls who were attracted to me fast - occasionally even right away.

I could see it - sense it - but I didn't really believe it, and didn't know what to do with it. "She'll probably lose interest as soon as I try to make a move," I'd tell myself, and do nothing, and lose the girl.

All that really was, though, was lack of mental preparedness losing me a lot of extremely valuable early learning experiences and confidence boosters that my lack of readiness for made me take me a lot longer to end up getting.

So, what are the keys to not being surprised mentally by women wanting to go a lot faster than you expected they were? Here they are:

  1. Realize that women themselves are all in very different modes. Many women you meet will not be interested in sex or even a date when you meet them. They might like you or not; might think you're cute or not; but might be disinterested in pursuing anything with you anyway regardless. Other women you meet will be interested in getting to know you better, perhaps over drinks next week. Still others will be intrigued by you, and want to get to know you more right now. And more still will want you to just stop talking and taking them home already. You will not know who these women are or be able to identify them with much certainty from the distance until you talk to them... at least not until your ability to target starts getting honed (from lots and lots of practice) - and even then, you'll still be surprised a lot more often than you might think.

  2. Realize that how women respond to you is out of your control. Sure, you can work on your fundamentals and up your passive attractiveness (by quite a lot, actually), and you can do other things like create preselection, social proof, display physical dominance, or even conspicuously consume to up your in-venue attractiveness, but all these things do is really up your odds... when you walk up to that girl and say "hi", you're still rolling the dice on how she's going to respond. When you're newer, you tend to think you can control some or all of that; experience brings humility though, and you learn that all you can do is stack the odds as much in your favor as possible, then go throw your pieces down and see where they land.

  3. Realize that you must be ready to respond to what you get. Because women's responses are so out of your control, you must be flexible in how you respond to what you get back. If you try to follow the same exact steps (or the same exact routine) every time with every girl, all you end up doing is screening most of the women you meet out.

  4. Have a good idea of what you are looking for... out of all the possibilities. What are you looking for when you go out and talk to girls? Are you looking for a girl you'll connect with for a few minutes, then ask out and trade numbers? Are you looking for a girl you're going to meet who's going to be lukewarm to you, but through Herculean efforts you're going to change her mind, pull off the coup of the century, and manage to get her back home with you anyway? Are you looking for a girl you're just going to have sparks fly with the moment you meet her, and the two of you are leaving to head somewhere private 20 minutes after "hello"? You can't do what you'd do with one of these girls with a different one - trying to set up a date and grab a number in just a few minutes of conversation with the girl who isn't interested at first is going to land you nothing but a flakey number, while running through 2 hours of attraction material with a girl who loved you from the moment you said "hello" is only going to kill her enthusiasm and send her off looking for someone else instead.

Mental preparedness is one of those things you don't really hear talk about when discussing meeting women, pick up, or "game", but it's one of the many differentiators between the experienced practitioner, who's able to adjust his approach on the fly based on how the woman he's met is responding to him, versus the beginning student of the game, who's trying to do the same thing with every woman and is unprepared for women responding to him differently than he anticipated they would.


Logistical Preparedness

The other side of the coin - and the easier of the two to work on - is logistical preparedness. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that this is the more important of the two for a beginner (but somewhat less important than mental preparedness for a more experienced man), simply because it gets you thinking about a variety of different possible outcomes, which provides a certain degree of mental preparedness in and of itself.

Your logistical preparedness extends beyond simply readying your sex logistics for possible consummation of a date or a chance encounter. Instead, it's more about having certain things in place to make it easy to change courses when courses need changing.

I'll list some examples for you here so you know what I mean:

  1. Have a bachelor pad that's set up and ready. That means clean, inviting, with chairs a girl might sit in to isolate herself packed up or thrown away, and everything designed to be cozy and intimate and closeness-inducing. Have different alcohols available and drink-making instructions so you can mix drinks if you and a girl need a little extra time to get comfortable. Have music ready to put on if necessary, or your television turned to a news channel or music video channel to provide distraction for her logical mind while you work your magic on her mental one. If your sofa, couch, or loveseat is much bigger than two people, stack some boxes on it and throw some dirty laundry on top so that the only place there is to sit down is right next to you - or dump the couch altogether and leave nowhere to sit in the whole place but your bed.

preparedness seduction

  1. Keep condoms on your person, and a towel in your car. That would seem obvious, but I can't tell you how many guys I've had tell me stories about how they hadn't brought condoms because they hadn't planned on doing any more than just chatting a girl or two up that day or night, and then a few hours later they found themselves passionately making out with some random girl in a bathroom stall, but had to settle for a blow job because they left their jimmy hats at home (especially if you're the type of guy who won't have sex without strapping up... or she seems like the kind of girl you wouldn't really want to make an exception for). Likewise, for making sex logistics on the fly a lot easier, always keep a towel in the trunk of your car, if you're in a driving town and you drive to your dates and going out locations... a good, thick towel can make all the difference between grass, dirt, or sand being too uncomfortable to do anything too exciting on, and making those surfaces perfect to do something exciting on.

  2. Plan your dates to be logistically easy. Unless you're doing just a pure informational date, you want to be planning every date to at least potentially end up back at yours (and even then... it's worth taking a few minutes to plan out a "just in case" strategy for your informational dates, too - nothing's worse than skipping your usual planning because you think you won't need it, only to get there and she's raring to go with you having nowhere to take her). Doesn't matter if it's the first date and you don't normally do first date sex; plan it out anyway. The 9 times you don't use it will immediately become worth having done the 1 time you do, and avoid having to beat yourself up over missing out on something great because you hadn't bothered to be prepared.

  3. If driving, park close; if walking or metro'ing, bring cab fare. Nothing like a long walk to cool off hot lust. If you're bringing a girl who's ready to have you back to your car, make sure your car isn't parked far from where you're going to meet her; conversely, if you took the train, bus, or hoofed it over, and it's more than 5 to 7 minutes door-to-door to your place, bring taxi money. You're a cheapskate who hates spending on taxis normally? Set it aside; in this case, you want to splurge... the couple of bucks you have to pay for a taxi will usually mean the difference between sex happening, and sex not happening.

  4. Always propose things close to your place (or other seduction location). Get in the habit of never agreeing to dates that are far away from where you need to take a girl to take her to bed. You want this habit because women will sometimes surprise you with date offers - and if you're not careful, you'll catch yourself assenting to things that are terrible for seduction ("Hey! I know what we can do - my friend's having a birthday party up in [really faraway location] Friday night - why don't you come with me?"). Also good to do: don't agree to any kind of party date or date with friends, ever, unless it was your idea and they are your friends (or, alternately, you're bringing a posse of friends along with you... even if it all goes belly up, at least you'll have your buddies to keep you company).

  5. Have a couple of "pull lines" in your holsters ready to draw at a moment's notice. When you're starting out, you'll sometimes find yourself in situations where you KNOW you should pull a girl out of there and take her home; you just... don't really know what to say. So, nervously, you keep your mouth shut, the moment passes, and nothing EVER happens with her. Instead, decide on a few simple phrases you can use wherever you are to get women out of there - e.g., "This place blows... I know where we can go. Let's change venues," or, "You know what? I challenge you to a game of darts and/or billiards at Chez Amante. Refreshments of wine and cheese will be provided. Let's get out of here."

Especially when you're still not at an experience level yet where mental preparedness comes easily, having your logistical concerns sorted and set before you even set foot outside your door gives you some added peace of mind and greases the wheels of your upcoming seductions. These also take a big chunk of the pressure off when you realize a girl is ready a lot sooner than you thought she was going to be, so instead of freezing, all you now have to do is grab the tools you've set out in advance and use them.

Don't underestimate the impact of having all your tools already laid out in front of you right when you need them, as opposed to having to go root around in your toolshed to try and find them with the clock running out, only to not be able to figure out where you last left them.


Preparation

After the date with that Puerto Rican girl - the latest in a string of botched or poorly timed dates and pull opportunities for me then - I realized how important it was to not have overly complicated dates that didn't lend themselves to pulling, or to try to stick too closely to a specific set of steps when out meeting women that I lacked the mental flexibility to skip.

So, I started prepping my dates to always have backup logistics, and started prepping myself to be ready to pull girls home as soon as I started seeing the signals they were ready for this when out... regardless of how ready *I* was.

The result was that I started sleeping with girls on first dates that I'd only intended as "getting to know you" style dates, and I started picking up girls on nights I'd only really intended to go out and just put a little time in talking to girls. I made the shift from "beginner" to "journeyman" in the game due, at least in part, to the greater flexibility that came from a healthy dose of both mental preparedness, and logistical preparedness.

It's a little challenging to get yourself mentally prepared for almost anything without first having encountered almost anything - part of the process of getting here is simply getting enough reference points that you now know to expect surprises (pleasant and otherwise). But you can still focus on trying to be ready mentally nevertheless.

The one you have absolutely no excuse for skipping, however, is logistical preparedness; if you don't spend a few minutes crossing your logistical "t"s and dotting your logistical "i"s before you go out to socialize or have a date... well, you're being a blockhead.

Take a little time to make sure you're prepared. A little preparedness goes a long way.

Ciao,
Chase

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Comments

Humpert's picture

Fantastic article, Chase,


Fantastic article, Chase, pretty much the head shake I needed. Both my preparednesses are seriously lacking, I guess I never believe anythings actually going to happen on a first date or meet. But when I think back, thats how I fluked into my favourite girlfriends.

How do you tell, Chase, when a girl is ready? When that escalation window is wide open and its time to strike, even though youre still tying your shoes? I'm like you were with this Puerto Rican girl... too unsure.

Love how the sites getting so much more content!

Chase Amante's picture

Escalation Window Signs

Author

Humpert-

Good question... that probably deserves an article in its own right. The #1 thing you can look for though is that feeling that things are starting to get just a little bit awkward... there is expectation hanging in the air, and it just FEELS like something is *supposed* to happen.

The conversation sometimes gets stale; the girl sometimes starts seeming nervous / awkward; she'll start being less interested in deep conversation or laughing less at your jokes (she has something on her mind); etc.

When you run into these, it's time to take action.

Chase

Troy's picture

up and forward


Hey chase, Thats right prevention is better than cure! I read your article on The 9 Male Identities and the section that you speak about how other persons see you actually strenghtens that identity in you for better or worse. Yea, i can very much agree that how a person sees me is how i react more to the frame that they set for me.

Some of the positive frames/ identities that i have gotten from very young are: cute face, nice fashion, good looking browning, nice boy( even though that doesnt really help in seduction), humble, kind, helpful and little things like that that come under a good looking nice guy frame.

However, the negative frames/ identity that people put on me all my 17 years of life are: crazy, sick, gay, weird, stupid, mean, afraid of girls, scardy cat, mad boy and little negative remarks like that.

So people have both good and bad frames/ identity about me and thats just a part of life. However, i am not at a place where the negative frames kind of bounce off me. I can tell you that as a young child my parents would verbally abuse/ ignore me and this trend spread like a fire to everywhere and everyone that i come in contact with. I think its because i havent learned to fight back as yet, me being low in self esteem and depression. The trend of my identity has spread when haters spread rumors about me and even persons that were originally friendly to me have started treating me to what bad they hear about me. my questions are:

1) I have always been afraid of physical fighting with guys because i dont know how dangerous they are and what they might have on ( guns, knives e.t.c). How do i deal with such situations when i get physical fights become needed and how do i talk my way out of trouble?

2) I remember several times on here you talk about speaking to everyone. Now the guys around me are violent and they see me as a softer target. How do i talk to them and blend in? If i am walking past them and they tell me to give them money what should i do and say? What should my body language say and how do i blend in?
How do i properly defend myself? I am skinny and kind of weak for my age so i go to the gym but i havent gained much muscle as yet. How do i deal with bigger more dangerous men? Should i even talk to them like friends or avoid them 100%?

3) When persons have a certain identity of me, how do i change their perception of me despite being low in self esteem, being a loner and being depressed?

4) Finally, i have pseudo friends and i can never understand why i always have to talk to them before they talk to me. There is just always disconnect where basically i always have to talk to someone before they talk to me. How do i get around this? And i remember you talking about being a jester before becoming a king. How long does it take to move from a begineer/ jester in comparison to the number of approaches, quality and quantity of the work put in to see results?

There are many things to focus on at a time and RIGHT NOW i am onto the begineer eBook so i Thank You Chase and the Girls Chase Team for that great work!

-Troy

Chase Amante's picture

Fighting, Identities, and Progress

Author

Troy-

Read this article on fighting - should help a lot: "When It's Worth Fighting."

It sounds like you need to work on body language a lot - walk slow, walk solidly, move slowly, look at people slowly, be serious, be intimidating, etc. The challenge is not going so far to the extreme that EVERYBODY is afraid of you - because then girls won't want to have anything to do with you. I know, because that was me from about 17 to 22 or so.

Focus on building skills up that help you to change your identity, and start building new social circles away from the people with a bad impression of you. The more different positive sources of identity you have coming in, the more this bleeds over into other areas of your life and starts chipping away at the negative impressions other people have of you.

As for the path from Jester to King... it all depends on how intelligently and deliberately (or not) you're going about learning the things you're learning. Are you coming at social skills like a scientist, and constantly trying out and tweaking new things and setting small goals and trying every angle to figure out how to make things work differently? If you are, you'll advance rather quickly. If you aren't, you can end up stuck in place, even if you put tons of hours in.

The other one is, are you building up your social value to other people? It sounds like the value other people perceive you as having to offer them right now is zero (right or wrong). They don't want you around them because they feel like you're a value drain... that means there's a severe value imbalance, and you won't get anywhere with people until you correct it. You probably saw it already, but at least for a refresher, reread this one: "Social Value and Value Imbalances."

And, glad you're going through the Beginner eBook - but don't focus on too many things at a time. Grab a few, and zero in HARD on those until you've got them down - and don't worry about the rest. The mind can only handle so much - it's your responsibility not only to give it new ideas, but to limit how many of those ideas it's actively working on at any one time to preven it learning nothing from having too much to juggle, too.

Chase

robertnyc's picture

Her Paying for the Date


Hi Chase - how did you bring up her paying for the date and how did you convince her to do it when she initially resisted? Thanks, I like these practical articles.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Her Paying for the Date

Author

Robert-

That one's actually quite simple - when the check comes, you just sit there and keep talking to her and pretend not to notice. Just ignore the social pressure to pick it up and look at it. Eventually, she'll give into the pressure, and when she DOES pick it up and look at it, you just say, "Oh, thanks, you got this?" like it's the most natural thing in the world. Then just continue with the conversation as if nothing happened when she grunts out a "yes" (or, sometimes she'll surprise you and will say, "Yes, I'm really glad you made it out today..." and will genuinely have wanted to pay for your company - particularly if you did a very good job on the date).

Chase

Solstice's picture

Unusual Escalation


Hey Chase,

Great article man! Been reading your articles for a little over a year now and my life has greatly improved. My dating life has tripled and women are constantly flirting with me and telling me how attractive I am. Very cool indeed!

One question though. I know you and other GC writers talk about moving fast with women and first date sex. I'm a 19 yr old college freshman and I live w/ my parents. Taking girls to my place isn't a option. Going to her place is a better option but she may be having the same problem.

You talk about taking girls to your car, a bathroom, park, etc. How would you make that transition and is it any different from escalation at your own pad?

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Unusual Escalation

Author

Solstice-

I imagine you've seen these? (if not, you'll want to read them first):

If you need a little more detail on the actual transition, you usually won't be pulling to one of these places until you've already really primed her sexually and she's raring to go. You want to wait until the sexual tension in their air is palpable... when you start getting that feeling like, "If there were no other people around right now, I would lift up her skirt, move aside her panties, and just shove myself in, and she would not object one iota."

Once you get that feeling, just move her (as quickly as possible) to one of these locations, where there are no people around - then just go at her passionately... in a car, just fall on top of her and start kissing her and feeling her up; outdoors, either shove her up against a tree or wall with your hands behind her head and back so she doesnt' get hurt, and start making out with her and feeling her up, or lay down next to her and start kissing her shoulders, neck, etc.

These can really be a lot of fun once you start trying them out and realizing what an adventure this is for girls too (and how willing they are to sleep with you here, compared to the resistance they'll more commonly give you in a bedroom!) - you may well end up trying to escalate to sex in every kind of environment you can think of ;)

Chase

Marius's picture

Hello, I enjoyed the article,


Hello,
I enjoyed the article, this is something I very bad at. My current problem is meeting girls in university. I live in town 30kms away of the school with my parents and girls usually travel to the school from a distant town too. Or they live with one or two roommates in an appartment to divide rent. So I wonder what to do if my place and her place is like 80 kms apart while we can meet up at school, yet none of us have college room. I think it is my responsibility as a man to have a place where I can take girls and sleep with them but my current "fishing area" is out of that.

The only thing that I once had as back up was in cloth store, that cabins where people try cloths before they buy it.

Any ideas? I am really, really bad at this logistical thing.

Thank you.

Chase Amante's picture

Unconventional Logistics

Author

Marius-

See these two articles:

... they're chock full of different places you can take women to get together outside of your place or hers. Should give you some interesting ideas!

Chase

Teenager Mat's picture

Virgin girlfriend


Hi chase

Here´s the deal, I´m an 18 year old guy and I have a 18 girlfriend, since we´re both virgins I decided to not go for sex ate the start of the relationship. Now she´s been at my house in my bed 3 times and those 3 times she got in her panties and bra, but won´t get any further. ( we´ve been together for 7 months now ).
Should I talk with her about how much sex means to me ?
I´ve used all the LMR tecnices but makeing her touch my penis.

Should I break up with her and get another more open girlfriend ? We already spoke about sex and stuff, and she even told me some of her sexual fantasies, but besides that no sex at all.

I´m getting really frustrated, do you have any advice ?

As always great post.

Mat

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Virgin girlfriend

Author

Mat-

I can't say I've been in your shoes (dating a girl for a long time without sex), although I've met more than my fair share of girls who had boyfriends they were virgins with for 3+ years, and then immediately after breaking up with the guy went and had sex with someone else. This actually seems to be the common pattern... past a certain point, sex just doesn't happen unless the guy is going to marry the girl, but when they break up, she'll go sleep with someone else.

The big reason why seems to be that if you've been dating her for too long without sex, it pretty much destroys any chance of her viewing you as a sexual man (and, thus, being sexually attracted to you). You get set in her mind as her "sexless boyfriend", and she's happy with things right where they are.

If it was me personally, I'd just cut my losses and get out - I'd be delicate with her, and I'd tell her look, I'm CRAZY about you, but I just can't control myself any longer, and I can't be together with someone in an unconsummated relationship anymore - I'm only going to end up doing something with someone else and hurting you. You deserve someone who can wait for you, and that isn't me - I need sex, and I can't control myself any longer. I'm only going to hurt you if we stay together any longer. You deserve someone who can wait for you - and as crazy about you as I am, I can't. It just feels like one big, long rejection to me, and I can't bear it any longer, and I need someone I can be together with and truly be together with her.

If you truly get across why you're leaving, and that's it's that you don't want to hurt her and/or you feel like she's rejecting you and you just can't stand being rejected by someone you care about so much anymore, you may just inspire her to change her perspective on sex and get intimate with you. However, it's more likely at this point she lets you walk - and I'd suggest you be ready to do just that... because it sounds like it's time to move on.

Chase

Mat's picture

Re of the Re of the virgin girlfriend


Thx for the reply man.

I´ve been reading our site for a while, and you have changed the way I see girls. They´re starting to seem more and more silly and cute, rather than the 3 headed monster I used to consider them to be.
So I was about to do exactly what you said to me: break up with her in a way that didn´t harm her in any way, she´s an awesome girl and I want the best for her. And I don´t feel nearly as bad about leaving her and carrying on with life.

That being said, she came to me the next day very worried about getting pregnant and she told me that the reason she wasn´t confortable with sex was because she was very afraid of getting pregnant.

I´m still deciding whether or not I will try one more time.

Either way, I Thank you one more time for taking the time to reply to my post :)

It stuns me how you manage to reply to so many people, and do it in such a personal way that it actually tackles each problem individually. Respect for that.

Gonna work on my cold approach if things don´t work out with her, tho ;)

Keep up the good work,

Mat

Wes's picture

This is exactly where I'm stuck at


Man, you described spot on the frustration I feel with where I am right now.
I don't go to clubs and I don't live in a city where people are walking around on streets. I live in a driving town and all of my approaches are in malls, shopping centers, stores, college campus, and social circle get-togethers.

I've lost count how many times I get some signal from a girl to kiss her then and there. (looking at my lips and sexual tension) and I notice i'm thinking: "SHE WANTS TO KISS ME NOW?! WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE AROUND?
Thanks a lot for the sudden pressure, girls.
Usually, I wait it out until I'm mentally ready to do it...either when I go for it they turn their heads away and talk about how it's too soon!
So annoying!

So basically, as soon as I see the signal, I should just pull them in and lay it on them? I try to act as soon as I'm comfortable but I guess the window closes..
What happens when you have something in your way that makes it uncomfortable for you?
Things like: being around a ton of people
Sitting on the other side of a table or far away from her etc.

I try moving them and once we get to the specific place, they end up making it HARDER for me. Being aloof and not allowing the previous tension to return.
I know I just have to do it, but I'm so scared of the unexpected.
Like you, I also have/had girls moving fast with me despite the fact that I feel like a beginner.

This post was just what I needed.
Wes

Chase Amante's picture

Girls Wanting to Kiss in Public

Author

Wes-

Generally I'd recommend against kissing in public (unless you're doing it just right, it usually serves as a fire extinguisher on sexual attraction), but for where you're at with your learning, it might be worth doing some just to play around with it a bit and feel like you're making progress (kissing outside a seduction location usually ends up being a dead end, but if you're pulling off something you didn't know you could pull off, your brain's going to record it as progress, and at least for staying motivated and focused, that's a good thing).

So, you can try pulling them in here, and going for the kiss.

You can also try using barriers - that's saying something like, "You know, if it wasn't for all these people, I would totally be making out with you right now," and seeing what she says. Girls who like you enough will sometimes offer to resolve the barrier - e.g., "Then let's go somewhere these people aren't," etc.

Your best option for getting to sex is either using a barrier, or just getting the girl out of there while maintaining her interest as much as possible.

If you want to kiss her in public, make it the spontaneous kiss from this article: "How to Kiss a Girl Like No One's Ever Kissed Her Before", and make sure you end the kissing first, and leave her desperate for more - give her just a taste, but no real satisfaction... if you want her to come somewhere alone with you for more, that is.

Chase

J.B's picture

Chase you ever been with


Chase you ever been with married women? Knowingly or unknowingly?

Ever heard of Christian Mcqueen, he reminds me of a "darker" version of you. He's not a PUA, but talks about direct game also and how he runs it with women. His advice sometimes mirrors your own. Check him out on ROK and see for yourself.

Cheers,
JB

Chase Amante's picture

Married Women

Author

J.B.-

Yes... I talked about it a bit in this article: "What Women Think About Their Husbands", and explored some of the rationale behind my philosophy on attached women in general in this one: "Girl Has a Boyfriend? 3 Things to Do and 7 Things NOT to."

Christian McQueen I'm a little familiar with - I ran across one of his articles (probably on ROK), and forwarded it to a friend of mine I thought might be interested, but turned out the friend already knew him... another guy who's pretty active in the Vegas scene. He definitely seems to be a character, though! I like what I've read of his writing.

Chase

Torus's picture

Tips for colder climates


Hey Chase,
just quickly wanted to add three things I learned are useful to be prepared in colder weather.

1.) Preheat your seduction room! It increases the cosiness of the place and clothes come of way easier when things get hot.

2.) Dress yourself quite warm. This way then you are coming in from the cold, your body and touch will feel really pleasant to her on her cold body parts, which almost always includes her ass. :)

3.) A variant for the Bachelors Pad I have been using a living room covered with a really nice plush carpet and just pillows to sit on. She will be more at ease in the living room, but when you escalate you can just sleep with her right there - make good use of the huge playing field.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Tips for colder climates

Author

Great tips, Torus!

I especially like #3 - the huge playing field... escalating anywhere other than the bed, really, is just immensely easier (I much prefer getting to sex on couches vs. beds these days if I'm expecting even an ounce of resistance), and if you can do it on the floor - all kinds of fun times there... ;)

Chase

Anonymous's picture

I found myself in this exact


I found myself in this exact dilemma where she wanted to leave earlier than planned.

This is a useful article - thoroughly packed for me.

So glad for GC.

Zac's picture

Sudden spike in attraction


Hi Chase,

I observe women tend to have sudden spike in interest out of a sudden. I note that once i try to move forward with them, and they become nonchalant, i just dial down and make things casual only to have this girls suddenly feeling all hot and crazy. (like your case with the Puerto Rico Girl)

I also feel a "click" in my head that says pull, pull.

I want to know from your experience, When you pull this girls in this kind of situation after the Puerto Rico Girl, Does comfort be thrown out of the window? Will you not face last minute resistance?

It seems like once she's totally on, it's on. It doesn't matter comfort or not, she wants the sex.

Zac

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Sudden spike in attraction

Author

Zac-

Yep, as soon as you feel that - it's time to pull. Doesn't matter whatever else you thought you "had" to do still in the seduction - if she's ready, she's ready, and you can skip all the rest of that stuff.

Step-skipping really is the epitome of good game, in my opinion - if you can skip steps, you've got your fundamentals down tight enough that women find you so attractive they don't need the things they require from most other men to reach sexual receptiveness (or, you're just really good at identifying horny women who are looking for guys like you!), and you're flexible enough with your process that you can take things out and go from Step #4 directly to Step #9 and not miss a beat.

You will usually face the most resistance when you have missed these windows (or never reached them) - if you can put a girl into this state just before or while you're escalating to sex, that's when you're most likely to see no real resistance at all.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Numbers and Results


Dear Chase, I'm perplexed.

I've been following your website for a while now, constantly working on my fundamentals. When it comes to cold approach, asking girls out and collecting numbers is easy enough. But most of these girls are not responding to my ice-breaker text 1-2 hours later. Is it because I have to use a texting app as a substitute for a phone or should I focus on getting intimate in unusual places? I'm seventeen if its any help.

-Danny

Franco's picture

Texting


Danny,

I saw your comment here, so I thought I would quickly reply. If you are using anything other than SMS text messages, then I would highly advise you don't. Remember, you want to make things as easy and fluid for women to see you as possible -- if they are having to download or use some third-party app that they don't know how to use (or don't want to use) just to communicate with you, then it's going to severely hinder your return rate on phone numbers.

I only bring this up because it is something that is very simple to correct that should up your return rate immediately. Remember, girls check their text messages ALL the time, but they don't necessarily check their apps on their phone for messages. It's better to work through a method that you know works.

Cheers,

Franco

Chase Amante's picture

Ice Breaker

Author

Danny-

Great reply from Franco.

Only thing I'll add is that an ice breaker text does not require a response (and, should not be worded in a way that it asks for or demands one). It's just there to break the ice for future conversation - not all women who reply back will date or sleep with you (or even reply to future messages), while plenty of women who don't reply to your ice breaker will end up replying to subsequent messages, coming on dates with you, and going to bed with you.

Just send it and forget it, and proceed with your texting per usual the next day regardless of whether you get a response to the ice breaker or not.

Chase

Prince's picture

Getting over or clearing negative assumptions of a girl's past


Hey Chase,

Unrelated to this topic but do you have any tips of overcoming a girls past or assumed past.. mainly her sex life.
For example I have been slamming this nice French girl for the past two months on a regular basis and it's not exclusive but the emotions etc. feel like it is becoming one. She is older than me and has been single for a number of years now and being French and all... (culturally) Yeah any way she knows what she is doing in bed and I am sure she has had a fair amount of sexual partners.

How do I get over that? Have you been in that situation?

Keep up the excellent work. Thanks mate!

Chase Amante's picture

Comfort with Partner Counts

Author

Prince-

I can't say I've dealt with this one specifically - when I was inexperienced, I kept all my relationships non-exclusive, even with really amazing women - it was extremely painful to do (at the time, all I wanted was to just grab the first great girl I could find and make her my exclusive girlfriend... but I forbid myself, because I needed to learn game), but it made me not worry about a lot of things I probably would've otherwise been weird about (e.g., she's more sexually / romantically experienced, etc.).

I'd probably suggest that if you think it's going to be a problem, don't go exclusive, and just keep racking up numbers. Eventually you reach a point where you won't realistically end up in relationship territory with girls who have higher kill counts than you, simply because most girls do not have higher kill counts than you, and the ones that come close are crazy dynamic nympho control freaks whose personalities clash so hard with yours (both of you need to be dominant) that you'll never end up in any kind of stable relationship that will last for any real amount of time.

There may be a way to make your peace with it without having the real experience... but if there is, I couldn't say what it is. At least in this case, the only thing I can suggest is, get your number up to the point where the women you date know that you're the more experienced partner, rather than vice versa.

Chase

cwongucd's picture

What to Do when Girls Play Hard to Get?


Dear Chase,

First, I need to say thank you on everything because after reading your ebook and some of your articles, I have received a scored of "Journeyman" on your diagnostic quiz. I have also understand so much more about Gender Psychology compare to the time I haven't discovered your site. Again, thank you boss!

I have a question for my buddy Jason. I hope your solution in his condition can also help the rest of the Girl Chase readers. Here are the facts:

[The girl's background]
*Foreign Born Chinese
*24 yrs old, enrolling a community college, plan to transfer next yr
*Work at a Coffee shop as cashier part time

[Their 1st Date]
*His invited the girl to a dinner date, $50 total. <--- I TOLD HIM NOT TO, because I read your article on "Should You Pay for Dates".

*He told the girl that he is an accountant who earns close to 6 figures and starting his own startup in order to lure her with resource (Accountant folks in SF Bay Area earns a lot due to high living index). <-------Now the girl knows he has resource and he is local. Also he is wayyyy more resourceful than the girl at the current stage.

[Their 2nd Date]
*He went in trying to escalate for the hand hold and she pulled back
*In fact, he tried to hold her hand 2 times but failed
*He didn't even get a hug either, no hug.

He doesn't know if she's playing hard to get or simply being too conservative or what. He stereotypically thinks Foreign Born Chinese girls are conservative and don't want to scare her. <--- Actually, are Foriegn Born Chinese girls more conservative? I want to get an answer from u, Chase. I don't want to be stereotypical anymore so I want to ask guys who have practical experience dating them, which is you.

[Here is my solution, please correct me if wrong or add more]:
1) Make the girl jealous. Either subtly in a conversation or "accidentally" on Facebook using his female friends. Or something in your jealousy's article:
http://www.girlschase.com/content/making-girl-jealous-dos-and-donts

2) Telling the girl that he is going to another state, this will get him out of the Provider Category.

Do u think the girl is playing hard to get after reading all the facts? I think she IS playing hard to get because she afraid to lose my buddy Jason as a provider. What's your take, Chase?

Thank you!

C. Wong

Chase Amante's picture

Re: What to Do when Girls Play Hard to Get?

Author

C. Wong-

Glad to hear it! Sure, let's see if we can help out Jason…

First off, bit of a mess he's gotten himself into - put himself firmly into boyfriend territory, and he lied about his job, to boot. He basically set himself up so that the only thing he's suited for now is a relationship, except it's going to be a relationship based on lies... he'd maybe be okay if he was just going for a hook up, but if he was going for a hook up, he set this up way wrong.

If she's a foreign-born girl in San Fran, it's going to depend completely on which community she's set her life up in since arriving. If she's around other Chinese-from-China people, she's going to stick to the values she grew up with (conservative ones), because she has continuity of culture from her home country.

If she strikes out on her own and seeks to immerse herself in Western culture, though, then she's probably already thrown off the chains of traditionalism (or she's looking for her chance to) and is enjoying everything she can get her fingers into about the West. When foreign-born women come to the U.S. and focus on immersing themselves (as opposed to sticking to their home-country communities), they very consistently go quite boy-crazy, and will be some of the most willing hookups you'll find (mostly because they feel like they are completely anonymous and, thus, face no social repercussions for sleeping around).

At this point, it sounds like she's really not interested (not even holding his hand?)... jealousy plotlines often don't work as well on Asian women (they auto-reject more easily), and telling her he's leaving is going to be too little, too late (she's already not interested; she'll just shrug when she gets this news).

Bear in mind that just because she thinks he makes more money than her doesn't mean she's automatically going to want him as a boyfriend... there's a lot more to consider than just what his income is (even among Chinese women! ... who, yes, can be a little more on the calculating / rational side).

If he can still get her out on dates, you might recommend he try using date compression - though, from the looks of it, he's going to need a LOT of your help to stop shooting himself in the foot every chance he gets; and if he can't get her out, well... it's San Francisco, and there are plenty more Asian girls there where she came from ;)

Chase

Danny's picture

Should We Move Fast on Conservative and Inexperience Girls?


Dear Chase,

Another enlightening post, it seems like you lost that Puerto Rico
girl back in 2006 because you didn't move fast enough. You really should have invited her straight back home and start escalating. Again, it's a lesson for us men NOT moving fast enough.

I just have a quick question after reading cwongucd's comment: Should we move fast on conservative and/or Inexperience girls? Would that scare them away?

Should we aim for First Date Sex on those conservative/inexperience women, virgin girls for example?
Or should we build a 7 hrs of comfort (which is 2nd or 3rd Date) before escalating physically?

Should we aim for First Date Sex even for virgin? Is it really possible? Thank you!

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Should We Move Fast on Conservative and Inexperience Girls?

Author

Danny-

I'd probably suggest erring on the side of using date compression when you're inexperienced and they are... simply because you're a lot more likely to psyche yourself out and fumble the ball if you're trying to do everything all at once, you don't know HOW to do everything all at once, AND you don't BELIEVE you can do everything all at once.

That noted, you can absolutely, absolutely, absolutely get first date sex with inexperienced and conservative girls, IF you know what you're doing. If you're not that experienced yet, you'll have a harder time with these girls than you will with more experienced ones. Once you know what you're doing though, these girls are arguably easier - you'll basically steamroll right past all their objections. That even includes virgins - in fact, Jake, one of our forum members, had his first street pickup that ended up in bed with him ever be with a girl who was a virgin - you can see his journal entry here: "Re: Jake's Newbie Assignment."

Chase

Anonymous's picture

verbal skills


Chase, I'm quite impressed by your verbal skills. I know there's no quick fix for this, but do you have any advice on the most effective way to improve my vocabulary and communication? I don't talk very much and have a hard time communicating my thoughts in a compelling and eloquent manner. Writing is much easier for me because I can add and revise the words (even then it wouldn't be anything near what you produce) but improvisation is a huge weakness for me. How can I fix this?

Chase Amante's picture

Re: verbal skills

Author

Anon-

Vocab is all what you read - the more well-read you are, the better the vocabulary you have to pull from. Writing helps as well, because if you're writing a lot, you'll stumble back on really neat-sounding words you'd completely forgotten about, and you'll make a note to start using them in conversation more... then you'll just go use them so much that they become a constant of your verbal communication, and you no longer focus on using them, you just use them when you need to use them.

As for improvisational conversational skills, that's nothing but pure, unadulterated experience. You've just got to do it. Talk to people as much as you possibly can - everywhere you go there are people you can talk to, in lines, elevators, cashiers, waiting for the bus or the train or the taxi or the light at the crosswalk to change; classmates, colleagues, fellow barflies, the works. There's no substitute for just doing it; you'll suck until you do, and you've got to do it until you stop sucking and start winning at conversation.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

difference between attraction for men and women


Hey chase this has been bugging me for quite a while now. What is the attraction for girls than guys. I mean in terms of nature of attraction. I have noticed that for guys its more of lasting than for girls at least till the guy beds the girl. It surprises me how a girl looses attraction when u miss an escalation window. Or how she would flake you or try to take a step back even if shes entirely smitten by you. Is it because of the mood swings that a girl experiences. Or is it because of the famous quote that 'a girl doesnt know what she wants'. I am sure if u r dominant, dont give a shit, badass sexual of a guy this shouldnt matter. But i guess as a beginner it is utmost important to understand the dynamics.

Chase Amante's picture

Supply and Demand

Author

Anon-

It's mostly all down to attainability: a man's either

  • Too easy to get (no challenge - not interesting)
  • Too hard to get (he's an asshole, and she'll auto-reject to save face)
  • Just barely attainable (and she'll maintain attraction right up until sex, and beyond)

When you miss escalation windows, you send girls into auto-rejection... flaking can be auto-rejection or it can be that the girl simply wasn't all that excited with you to begin with (i.e., you need to get your fundamentals down better and become more attractive, and/or you need to get women investing in you a lot more a lot sooner).

Attainability's probably the hardest thing to get down when you're new, but once you get down where the line is and can consistently walk (and, thus, be challenging and intriguing enough to women that you hold their interest right up to sex, but not so challenging or inscrutable that they throw their hands up in frustration and walk away), getting girls in bed becomes a whole lot easier.

As for why men stay interested longer than women do - well, in all things, there are the pursuers, and there are the pursued. It is the job of the pursuers to stay focused and hunt down the things they want; it is the job of the pursued to sit back and carefully assess their options, weeding out the unfit as they work their way through the battery of tests, and permitting in the select few who make it through each round of the game.

Prior to sex, it is the man who is the pursuer, and the woman who is the pursued (usually; a big focus of this site is in training you how to flip that dynamic, as much as possible); post-sex, it's normally the woman who is the pursuer (of a relationship, now), while the man sits back and carefully considers whether he wants to give this to her or not.

Sex is fun, but it's also a major power flip from woman to man - a woman has to be sure she's giving her power over to the right guy before she does so, and if at any point she determines that a guy is NOT the right guy, her interest goes out the window.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Girl


Theres this girl i know... ive been kinda sorta friendzoned by her. I failed to move fast with her. Im trying to get out of the friendzone, and i think its working, because shes been acting more diffrently towards me now. Now she is playfully touching me more and being more submissive, but she also is acting more aloof and possibly trying to get me jealous by telling me all these guys like her. Chase do u think she wants me to ask her out? Also my method of getting out of the friendzone was to be less friendly and more aloof. I stopped texting her, and ive been talking to her less. Do you think thats an efficient method? Could you give me some ideas on what to do next?

Chase Amante's picture

Friend Zone

Author

Anon-

I'd suggest following the plan Ricardus lays out for getting out of the friend zone at the end of this article: "How to Get Out of the Friend Zone: A Man's Survival Guide"; basically, because you've been friends for so long, it's going to be odd if you suddenly start pursuing her for a date, and you'll likely get pushback / get tossed right back in to the 'zone. You want to come in somewhat under the radar, and let what both of you want to have happen happen without it looking like anyone consciously decided to have anything go down - that way she can say it "just happened."

Chase

Aleph Funk 's picture

On


Read this before I went out last night. I thought we'd walk to the park and drink there, but she started complaining after 5 blocks and talking about how she's built up a reputation and didn't want to take chances with the law, saying "you're such a child ect." (this girl is a 39 year old Argentine actress, top end of my age range).

So I said "well, I've already got this bottle of scotch, so we can't go to a bar, I'll have to take this back to my place and then we could go out." Hailed a cab.

And layup.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: On

Author

Way to go, Aleph. That's what I call putting the material to good use!

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Confused


I met that absolute bombshell of a girl at the library the other day. She was very short and claimed to be of Arabian descent, spending most of her childhood in Dubai. I proposed we meet later in the week to grab a bite to eat. Which she accepted.She gave me her email saying something about her phone not working; but when I sent her an email, she replied the next day asking me to never speak to her again, that I was bothering her and she's willing to call security. This was a huge contrast to the character she showed at the library and frankly I do not know how to respond. Any help would be appreaciated.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Confused

Author

Anon-

Yeah, that's weird. I mean, double-check yourself and make sure you're not doing anything that's making you come off unpleasantly, but occasionally you'll meet girls who give you some form of contact that a controlling boyfriend or family member has access to, and they basically just tell you to beat it as soon as they see you writing in, pretending to be her.

If you're otherwise socially well-adjusted and socially aware, and people don't react this way to you normally, it's probably safe to bet that the odd one is her (or whoever it was whose email that actually was), not you.

Chase

Ryan's picture

You are truly a great dude!


Hey Chase,

I just want to say I really appreciate this site and all your insight. What I love most about what you have to say is that its not about seeing women as rags or bitches or the enemy to be used and conquered, but as seeing them as what they are: women. And not judging them, but understanding them and allowing them to be as they are. In that same vein you talk about us as men that we are just as we are. That the more confidence you have in yourself, the more you take care of yourself, the more you focus on enjoying yourself in your life. The more women respond. And you really give pointers on how to do that. You really are a great dude. Please keep it up. I love learning and reading from a normal cool guy who bangs and enjoys a lot of women.

All my best,

Ryan

Chase Amante's picture

Re: You are truly a great dude!

Author

Cheers, Ryan ;)

Chase

Anonymous's picture

The male model look


http://www.girlschase.com/content/how-attract-women-guide

[something I call the "male model look" and I've been meaning to get a post up on]

On a post awhile back you mentioned you wanted to make a post on the male model look. I haven't ever seen it so I was wondering if you ever got it up or if not if you could tell me a bit about what you mean by it.

Thanks a lot Chase!

Chase Amante's picture

Re: The male model look

Author

Anon-

What I was calling "the male model look" then is actually the same as "the cute and sexy look" right here:

7 Facial Expressions That Drive Women Wild

Chase

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