Women and Drama | Girls Chase

Women and Drama

A couple times over the past week, my girlfriend came to my apartment and brought some drama along with her. If you know me, you know I'm a pretty Zen kind of guy, and part of the reason I'm able to keep my calm is because I do my best not to be directly involved in others' drama. Help them out, give them a hand and some insight, by all means, but do not get involved in the swirling maelstrom that is the drama of other people. I have my own life to tend to.

Well, Saturday afternoon and Tuesday evening each ended up being among those rare occasions these days where the drama was pointed squarely at me. Where it came from, and how I handled it, and how you can do the same, is what I aim to address in this post.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Comments

Lau'Ren'Tay's picture

Smashing article Chase, even though I've never been in these situations yet.
I look forward to encountering it, when it does happen. I'll know how to
respond with precise focus.

Lau'Ren'Tay Walker

Daniel's picture

Dealing with drama is the hardest part about being in a relationship, as far as I'm concerned. Thanks for the info, Mr. Chase.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lau'Ren'Tay, absolutely, man. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, the saying goes ;) This stuff is pretty much inevitable once you've seen a woman more than once or twice (and occasionally, even less than that!); well worth getting a little background on in preparation!

Daniel, agreed, drama's no fun. Especially if you're hazy on what brought it about or how to appropriately address it. You're certainly welcome for the info, brother; hope it helps take off some of the edge.

Cheers,
Chase

Mason's picture

34 years on this planet and 17 years of searching, turning to friends, reading, and trying to figure out why I could not maintain relationships with women for more than a year. I myself am very calm majority of the time but once I get intimate with a women I go batty when it comes to their frustration or ire with me. I can bed them easily but inevitably there would be something that would get them upset, usually something I did or said and I would get defensive (90%) of the time and everything would go downhill from there; if not the first time because they would like me enough to put up with my defensive behavior but the second or third time they are breaking up with me and walking out the door. I came to the point of seeking psychiatric help because I nor my friends could figure out what I was doing wrong. Their answer and my answer to the problem was "she is just crazy". God could not have given a better reason as to what your enlightening article presents to answer my question. I have read this article 7 times over - I don't know who or where you are but I owe you big time - I only hope I am able to remain Zen, and apply your principles in future dramas.
Thank you Chase

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Mason, you're quite welcome! So glad to hear this was able to help you tackle something that's been a thorn in your side so long. I started studying relationships and drama a looong time ago, before I even had my first relationship, because I saw it was such a huge problem for men and I wanted to make sure I was prepared to handle it when I encountered it.

All the preparation in the world still doesn't prepare you for actually going through it, though! Dramatic women can be something else...!

Defensiveness too is one of those things that just kills you absolutely everywhere in life, and most people don't realize it. Being aware of defensiveness and shutting it down when it pops up gains you so much respect and deference from women, employers, friends, family members, police officers... pretty much everyone. People respond to defensiveness by getting defensive themselves or by going on the offensive, because defensiveness feels a lot like combativeness. By shutting it down, you're able to keep people on your side and avoid having a "face off" situation.

Cheers,
Chase

Wolf's picture

This is an astounding article, well written and deep insights. One of the very best of Game and relationships I've ever read. This part really opened my eyes:

>There are two balance-of-power style shifts that occur in the relationship progression of most couples. They are:

>Commencement of Sexual Intimacy: the point at which the man stops chasing after the woman (and intimacy), and the woman starts chasing after the man (and commitment), and

>Passing of the Commitment Point: the point at which the man commits to the woman and she stops chasing after him (and commitment), and the man starts chasing after sexual intimacy again.

Thanks! Looking forward to discovering the remainder of the blog.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Wolf, thanks for the high compliments! Hope you enjoy the rest of the blog, and happy to have you 'round these parts.

Cheers,
Chase

Anonymous's picture

very interesting topic indeed, I was wondering though, aren't there times when even if you show you want to understand she is unwilling or uncomfortable to share? I haven't tested the waters by asking what's going on with the current girl I'm with but I just thought it might annoy her more or perhaps show I'm weak because I dont understand already.
Usually though, if I get signals that show that a girl is interested, but then suddenly her mood changes to something shady, and I have no clue what went wrong, I should ask?
That actually makes more and more sense as I'm typing this comment, but I'm still wondering though, when would it ever be a bad time to ask if you understand? Would it be when you're too caught up in your emotions, she seems like she has to leave in a hurry, or when she feels awkward.

Emily's picture

If you want to ask her what's wrong, I just suggest one of the most commonly stated ideas on this site: ask her on a high note (or, you know, as close to one as you can get with an angry girl). That way if it's something that's REALLY bothering her and not just something annoying she thinks will go away (i.e. you drumming your nails against a table, or another quirk which will become less annoying with time) she will feel free to tell you. Girls that are unhappy will instead bottle their angry feelings until the cork blows off.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey man,

Like Emily says, asking when she's more receptive to talking is always going to (tremendously) up your accurate-reply rate from peeved women.

There's a fine line between genuinely wondering what's getting to her and coming across like a clueless guy. You do need to do some reading-between-the-lines, which admittedly is tough if you're new to understanding female psychology. Basic stuff women want:

  • To be understood
  • To be cherished / cared about
  • To have a certain degree of undivided attention (they understand if you have to work, or manage friends in a social situation, but they also need to feel important to you)
  • To be with a strong guy who can satisfy the above without seeming weak or trying too hard to please

Sometimes, asking flat out why she's doing something can be bad if it's something she can't say. For instance, if she's mad because she wanted her guy to take her to bed and he didn't, him asking her what's wrong feels, to her, like he isn't capable of fulfilling his duties as a man.

The rest of the time, you're fine usually if you make an effort to understand. Like, "Is this because of those girls who came over to say hi to me, or is this about something else?"

On the interested-to-shady switch: if a girl's interested, then suddenly gets skeptical, it usually means she's gone into auto-rejection, which is a sign that either she was waiting for you to make something happen but gave up, or you went a little overboard in being too challenging, teasing too much, being too aloof, too high value, or something along those lines.

Cheers,
Chase

still confused's picture

Very interesting stuff here. Is there anything you can do if you intended to take the girl to bed, but when you got there it requires a bit more time to get aroused due to stress or performance anxiety or some psychological thing and she gives up thinking you're not interested or playing hard to get. What do you do then if there still seems to be glimmer of hope to hook up with her.

Do you cut your losses or explain yourself and hope for the best. Or do you take a long shot and tell her that a bit more manual effort from her side is going to be needed to progress to an intimate level. Or is life over and you join the army :)

repetition's picture

Great article Chase, as usual. I returned to the article because I have a really hard time with one girl's drama. She just basically closes herself, does not answer any calls from me, just sends text and generally the text are something like: "that does not make sense, we probably should not be together" etc. etc. Only generalizations. It always ended the way I was explaining the situation and telling I belived we could make it and things like that and slowly, slowy is was getting good again. I was spending time and energy on it, I felt exhaused, I didn't want to be a pussy again and didnt want to be chasing again, but she closed herself almost completely. What to do in such cases?

Rish's picture

Honestly, I loved and hated this article at the same time. Your persuasions regarding maintaining zen are nothing short of brilliant. My hate comes quite possibly mostly from my own hang ups, I'm a girl & I want security as much as the next girl. The dilemma I'm trying to reconcile is how much I find the lack of vulnerability to be a cop out due to my hang ups vs it being actually unfair. I fancy myself to be pretty objective, and quite capable of maintaining that objectivity even when my subjective agendas are tempted to override my fair reasoning.

When you talk about not wanting to reinforce her bad behavior, is it fair for women to practice behavioral conditioning with men as well? What I'm really asking is, would you not feel objectified in the slightest if your woman handled any of your grievances, that stem from some legitimate qualms, with keeping you in your place as a priority? I take from this reading that, quite simply, your aim is maintaining calm and addressing any discrepancies with diplomacy and respect. I can most definitely dig that. However, men lose it sometimes too, right? I find that, to a degree, a malcontent temperament is more or less appropriate at times. If your woman was rather insensitive to a matter that is touchy for a man, a matter that undermines your masculinity; would you entirely maintain your zen? If your honest answer is yes, I really do commend you. That's hardly the case with most, so in your opinion how is a woman to address a man's disoriented zen, wounded ego, and resulting disgruntled disposition?

All in all, though it may just be my predisposition as a female, I feel a woman is entitled to a little drama just as a man is entitled to some of his own defense mechanisms when wounded. I hope it's really that one's narcissism shouldn't be enabled to cross the line too far, but some reassurance and slack is afforded to the one you find endearing. That's the boundary where objectifying segues into accommodating for the best interest of a healthy relationship. Parts of this article left me feeling it's a matter of keeping one up on the other; and any validation the woman's feeling are offered are just a bone she was thrown.

None of my questions are rhetorical, I'm really curious to receive the intelligible and thoughtful feedback of a man who seems to understand the dynamics between the genders rather well and with limited bias.

I eagerly anticipate any insight to be offered.
Thanks! ;)

David's picture

God bless you Chase. You have clarified in this article what years of therapy and advice from people coudn´t achieve. I agree with Mason that posted a similiar comment. In my case also, none of my relationships lasted more than few month even I cared for my girls.

You rock!!!
David

Ares Ilium's picture

Makes a lot of sense and this article answers most of my questions. Yet I don't see why we men have ALWAYS to bend over backwards, and stuff just to get a quick straight answer, instead of pretending we are listening to a bible of complaints.

Why if they expect us to be mind readers and super pillars of support, why can't women try to see why men act like they do? I mean, we men are more simple minded than all that they throw at us.

Sometimes they don't really say what's on their minds and in hours and hours of rage and complaints, sometimes they do not give us hints on what's really bothering them, and the things they say don't make sense. Then we're deep in confusion. Listening alone isn't enough when they demand an answer after the long sermon of confusing complaints.

Women tend to read right through other womens' drama, but men are not women!

Can't they at least give us that much and make it easier? It's like they went online and read somewhere that there are millions of things men should do to tend to their drama, but no where do I see women trying to figure out what men are saying.

I'm guessing it's because we need the sex more than they need the relationship, so we men try harder to get the sex, and even harder to keep it?

Rain's picture

Chase,

I love how your articles are not just about chasing women but also about understanding them as well. And rather than advising us men to pick up Technique A to achieve Result B, instead you advise us to develop the whole person, to become a better person which women would be drawn to. This is definitely infinitely far more meaningful than practising a few dating tips here and there just to snag women.

RRLEXKY's picture

While reading this article, it felt like I was reading something by Cesar Millan on the dog whisperer page. There must be a better way to describe what to do without making it sound like you are taming a wild animal.

Anonymous's picture

When I read about some of the garbage that women manufacture out of thin air, it makes me glad that I'm a gay guy. Sometimes I feel sorry for the straight guys.

Brock's picture

Chase:

Always dated and have been able to hook up with HOT girls my whole life and your article blew my mind. I have always had problems with serious relationships when I cared. When I did not care, it was fine. I did almost everything you said not to do, and it did get worse.
What about when you have been in a long relationship comapred to shorter ones and these things keep happening? Or if you live together and can not just pack up and leave that easily? Thank you for your time.

Amazing stuff.

thejerk's picture

Wish i read this yesterday. Girl i was with last night was fine, good times and then wham!! She was pissed. I got mad and yelled and kicked her out of the car. Should have just asked her what was wrong

Bionix's picture

See i wish if i read this Last year......

I have a girlfriend at college its been year now at first things were great but nat when Drama started and did nat know whats goin on!! Its like she started ignoring me....and Trust me i hate been ignored in anycase i jumped to conclusion and Told her we need to breakup with no Explanations we did....guess what it lasted a week and she came back....i was nat Angry actually...she now asked wat was the reason and i told her that Agreeing for us to breakup was a reason,otherwise if she loved me that much she wouldn't let me go that easily....So she apologized for that and guess what,i was a HERO!

So far after a month i thought i've solved the problem...buh tell u what dude,They never give up! .....the same ignored treatment ov nat answern my calls,or calling back!! with no reason (that i really know) happened again......I did the same caz i was mad (actualy it was love) ....i told her to breakup! God u could look at her face.....tell u what this lasted two days and i went back (God im sooo weak).......
she was mad buh i explained that i didnt mean it.....so we got along again......after a while again she started connectin me with her Family ...(i liked this phase) and we were best lovers i can say so far......THEN....it HAPPENED AGAIN wen on holidays jux abruptly SILENCE happened....i was depressed,fear and all those thoughts! (Damn i never knew Love) for 7 days then she picked up that cellphone.....i was calm did nat react buh told her how hard was it for me ov what she did... She Apologised and told me she wanted to see my reaction (She did it on Purpose and she won).....well like always things got in line........
But in one momment can you believe she is doing it AGGAAAAIN??? buh this time i didnt push it....as soon i saw the signs i stay quet and chill.....so whenever she miss me she calls i ignore couple of calls.....i promise myself never to act like im chasing her caz i know results of chasing a girl by e way she z quite a CHALLENGE......She Is FOUR years older than me buh we r cool at that.....LOVE IS BLIND"
......so now im being a jerk though i love her anyway! Haha:) im gna show her this article on 2030........#Nice blog dude

Mile's picture

So I have this ex that's been trying to get back into my life. She tried to about 4 months ago too but that amounted to nothing and I took my exit.

She re entered my life two weeks ago and almost immediately dumped out how she missed me, loved me, never gave me 100% or let her hard down etc. then she found out I was headed over seas for 6 months and wants to go.

I've heard all this before so I've kept my guard up and not invested a dime. I want to believe her, she's really great in my eyes, but the proof is in actions for me these days.

So we've hung out 3 times in the past two weeks. twice her meeting up with me at concerts. Once her inviting me out with her. She's also been texting cute shit every day. The last night we hung out her brother, sister, and friend were with her. They ALL brought up how amazing it is she's coming to London with me and how good it will be. I was SO taken back. A true WTF moment. She even got into a fight with her friend over it bc she felt my ex was "choosing me over her". Anyways I was overwhelmed and called her out privately.

I told her basically: look I like you and care about you but you've told me how much you love me before and amounted to nothing. We have t even had a conversation about going overseas so what's all this moving business? If you feel how you say then show me you do.

She basically flipped the hell out saying I think she's lying and a bunch of other stuff and how I'm getting in her face and being aggressive. Side note: she IS a drama queen. I thought I had calmed her down after bc she was very kissy with me before we parted but now I'm not so sure.

Since then, 4 days ago, I haven't heard a peep from her. Idk if she's pissed, punishing me, or strait ran away bc I called her out. I was thinking of admitting to her I fucked up and handled things badly. No apology though.

Advice?

Anonymous's picture

The way you react to drama is to shower your woman with love. She is testing you and you give her strong love, not apologies, but you don't remain calm and non-reactive unless you want to convey that you really don't care....in that case, your reaction has given her the information that she needs to make a judgment about you. Your goal as a man might be, if you are at that point in your development, is to conquer your woman with love, and so conquer your world (which will also show you drama and frustrating obstacles) with your consciousness and love. If you avoid that, and only see the "game" to be won to your benefit, you are not really at a point of evolving yourself and facing the world (and your woman) on its terms. You remain detached and think you are winning, but really you are only avoiding jumping into the fray and you are not being truly courageous and growing.

Anonymous's picture

Fuck drama.

Ty's picture

I agree man. I consider myself more an intermediate with women due mostly to the fact that I have had many FWB girlfriends because I don't like to commit and when I do the relationships last awhile. But as time has gone on, I absolutely cannot stand BS drama. I can understand sometimes getting upset about something and talking it out but as I read what you were recommending men do in reaction to drama I couldn't help but just nod my head in agreement. Ever since I come home from combat in Iraq years ago I have a very low tolerance for drama and petty day to day bullshit. I really couldn't give two shits unless someone is badly injured or dying and even then, flipping out about it really doesn't help. Maybe I am more insensitive to people than I should be, but that tends to work out in my favor. I often react more out of the righteous anger and the, "well then get your ass on outta here I don't have time for this bullshit" side to dealing with drama and it really works. Most women are either super butt-hurt over my reaction in which case they walk their asses out the door or they very quickly understand that it is shit I won't deal with and they don't go there unless there really is a big issue we need to discuss. Good read friend. I read one article and usually end up reading two or three others. Good stuff.

Pierre's picture

The article is nothing less than brilliant and helped me tremendously in building my current, healthy, relationship.
Thanks a lot Chase for your insights!

Bonko's picture

Mr. Chase,

I am big learner from your site. So glad that this site is existed.

I have question related to the article is: There are saying that, "women are more dramatic when they want to be hugged or to be intimate. So just HUG them no matter what when they are dramatic". Sometimes it works for me. But it feels I feed her bad behavior. What do you think of this?

Bonko from Mongolia

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