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In
the article on actor-observer bias, a reader
asks:
“One thing I would like to ask is: could you by way of reply or as an article idea for the future write about how to give a girl an orgasm when she's never had them before? My girl has been with three or so guys before me and has never (not even whilst self-pleasuring) had an orgasm. She says I have gotten the closest and is astonunded at my ability in bed for a first-timer, but no one has been able to quite get her over the edge. I understand about 10% of women have this issue. Is there anything I can do to make her come for the first time?”
Since we just covered how to make a girl orgasm in general last month, I felt this one would make for a good follow up: how do you help her to orgasm if she's never climaxed before?
I've had the pleasure of having been the man who introduced a number of past lovers to their first orgasms from penetrative sex. Some of them had had orgasms in the past before from manual stimulation or from oral sex, but had never climaxed vaginally from a man's penis before.
Some had never climaxed at all.
As her lover, this is always the most satisfying way to make her climax. It's the most powerful, it's the only one that's mutual (as she's climaxing, so can you), and there's nothing that makes you feel like a man or her feel like you are one than making her writhe with sexual delight with your manhood, rather than your finger or tongue.
But how do you succeed at making a girl orgasm from sex where other men have failed?
Comments
Hi Chase, Insightful article.
Hi Chase,
Insightful article. Echoes of 'My Secret Garden' in there? :-)
New to the site, and its been a helluva experience so far. Head and shoulders above any other seduction, lifestyle or self-help guides I've seen, and way easier to understand and practice.
Also, I utterly agree with your message that men as leaders are increasingly rare, be it in courtship, sex or even the workplace. The blog's been a starting point in putting me in touch with that idea. So a personal thanks to you.
I read through the blog's sex articles ('Be a better lover', 'Orgasm in 8 minutes or less') and I had to ask ; you and Ricardus emphasize the importance of sexual satisfaction through penetration as a core skill. Bluntly, what would you say to guys who cant achieve this?
More specifically; when you ARE small enough that it causes problems with penetration (like; 4 inches length by 4.5 girth, or smaller), does this basically disqualify us small guys from being good male lovers?
I've yet to get a girl to orgasm vaginally, and the sympathetic responses I get from girls over the penetrative part of sex is making suspect a lost cause without some bedroom aid.
I could say that penis size
I could say that penis size doesnt matter when it comes to sex, but its only true to a certain degree.
Its like pick up and looks, there are more important things that you can and should improve rather than just looks.
But given the choice I believe almost every male would add a few inches to their penizes, even guys that are average or above average when it comes to size. Plus people making jokes about male penizes and their size doesnt help average Joe, since the medicine position on this issue is that if its enough to penetrate a woman is enough for reproduction and if it isnt broken it shouldnt be fixed. Manhood is often associated with penis size, but if you rationalize it, its silly.
Almost every method out there about penile enlargement is a huge scam and the ones that actually work are very expensive and may do more harm than good, like surgery.
However a few days ago one of my friends over a drunken night out with the boys, confessed that he went to an urologist because he was having problems in the bedroom department, penetration was painfull for him, he had Peyronie's disease. A quick wikipedia search tells you what Peyronie's disease is:
"Peyronie's Disease (also known as "Induratio penis plastica",[1] or more recently Chronic Inflammation of the Tunica Albuginea (CITA), is a connective tissue disorder involving the growth of fibrous plaques[2] in the soft tissue of the penis affecting up to 10% of men. Specifically, scar tissue forms in the tunica albuginea, the thick sheath of tissue surrounding the corpora cavernosa causing pain, abnormal curvature, erectile dysfunction, indentation, loss of girth and shortening."
So this was a big deal for him, intercourse wasn't pleasure it was pain.
He then told me the doctor gave him 2 choices:
1) Surgery - with all the risks involved and possible side effects, which in his case was a valid approach since the possible results outweighed the possible risks.
But vaguely using his words: "Look Bro I wasnt going to let a man get near my stuff, specially one with a knife in his hand..."
or
2) Traction device - These devices have been used in medice for all kinds of purposes, like straightening broken bones, dental braces, spinal decompression, skin growth, etc.
So if he followed religiously the plan the doctor gave him, using this device, there was a good chance he wouldnt need to submit to surgery, the downside was that he had to use this device several hours per day, every day, during several months. Also these babies werent cheap, but still a lot cheaper than surgery.
He decided to go with the traction device and give it a try before even consider surgery. He told me it was hard work following the plan the doctor gave him and he felt a bit weird using it at first, but he was determined to not undergo through surgery and as time went by he got used to it.
After the treatment even the doctor was amazed with the results, not only the curvature was almost gone, he also gained some size.
I take everything usually with a grain of salt, but since I'm such a bookworm always craving for knowledge, I did my fair share of research. There are a few studies that say that using such devices is effective as Peryonie's disease treatment and there are no side effects. Source: http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2008.00814.x/abst...
After that, I researched if it was possible to gain size with such devices if you don't suffer from a medical condition like Peyronie's, and once again the studies say that yes it's effective. Source: http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1464-410X.2008.08083.x/full
While researching I found that there are some exercises like jelqing, with legions of fans, that also claim to increase penis size but I didnt found any studies regarding the subject, and therefore you should go down that road at your own risk.
I havent used any penis lengthening methods and I cant attest personally to its effectiveness.
I don't have a pornstar penis, but it has more than enough length and girth to make my girls scream. However since I found the manosphere I got a bit of a junkie in body and mind improvement and with such evidence I'm considering using it.
One of the reasons I can think about on why this stuff hasnt gone mainstream is because its a huge taboo for men. Much respect for having the courage of actually sharing your story, use that courage and seek medical advice before using such devices since I am an entrepeneur not a doctor.
Best regards,
Charlie
Penis Size
Anon-
That's a hard one. If you're at ~4 inches in length, probably the first thing I'd say is at least you don't have a micropenis, which about 1 in 200 men do and probably requires phalloplasty if you want satisfying sex (they used to do sex reassignment surgery on infants born with penises too small... only long-term studies have shown this doesn't take, and the individuals continue to identify as male, only now having had their penises and testicles removed and an artificial vagina crafted - pretty crazy stuff. Suicide rates of these reassigned-at-birth individuals were pretty high).
Charlie has some suggestions for increasing penis size. I don't know much about this, but here's what I'd suggest playing around with with what you've already got right now:
First thing I'd say is try some of the positions that lead to deeper penetration. The positions in the "Make Her Orgasm" article are this, as are these two positions, often touted as good positions for getting pregnant because their penetration is particularly deep:
There's a video here that purports to show smaller guys some positions to make women orgasm more easily:
If position alone is still not getting it done (and you should be able to find a position in which you're hitting her G-spot, if not the back wall of her cervix, with your penis during sex), a few other things you can play with:
Trying using oral / manual stimulation to bring a girl to the brink of orgasm, and then put her in one of these positions and get to work on her (perhaps adapted missionary, since that gives you clitoral stimulation too, or try another one in which you'll have more G-spot stimulation, where your penis is pointing upward into her and rubbing against the ceiling of her vagina)
Try using hypnotic suggestion / training your woman to orgasm by voice command - I haven't done this one particularly, but I do know it's taught by David Shade and is apparently something you can do with any woman. Once you know how to do it I'd expect you'd be able to condition your woman to orgasm during sex with you by activating the voice command during intercourse
Those would be my suggestions. If all else fails, there's always phalloplasty or the traction device Charlie mentions - do your homework if you go one of these routes, I couldn't really tell you much about them.
But if I had to hazard a guess, you can probably find a way to get your girl enough clitoral / G-spot stimulation during sex even with a smaller member that you can get her climaxing.
Chase
How to help me orgasm
I don't know how to orgasm and I would like someone to teach me please. I know how to orgasm from rubbing my clit but anything else no and I really want to know :/
Same here!
Same here!
Being the "Best"
Other men won't learn or accept that they are not good with sex as they thought they are.
So no matter what happens, you're still the best somewhat in regards to sex. Plus with your articles here on building yourself to be a better man, and if you the kind of guy who tries to improve, you always be better than whom you previously are.
Keep pushing and maybe she sees you again, and she get rocked again, and suddenly things are lovely again. I mean that's what women always say when they in love with their man.
Zac
Re: Being the "Best"
Zac-
Indeed. It's a strange phenomenon, people being so attached to an image of being "great" that they won't actually go out and learn how to BE "great" because the process of learning forces them to confront their own lack of CURRENT "greatness," and that's too much to handle.
The old saying applies here the same as anywhere else: no pain, no gain.
Chase
Getting into clubs for free
Oh ho ho, You don't say,
I feel that i am still confronting my own lack CURRENT "Greatness". :)
Anyway i read that to get into famous clubs or clubs in general, you need to pay. Of course some places you get to know them by paying at first. You wanna make a post on getting into cool clubs, like bringing girls that can dress well, or knowing the people working there. How to talk with them and not feel like you sucking up to them.
The last one feels like i was too new for the place.
Zac
Finding my "rhythm"
But I thought virgins get extremely attached to you after you have sex with them? Are they only attacthed for so long?
A comment was written by this guy named nish on your sticking point article. He told me he's bedded 19 girls in four months and that I have to find a "rhythm".
What the hell is that dude doing right that im doing wrong and how can I find this "rhythm" he speaks of?
Re: Finding my "rhythm"
Balla-
Virgins do get very attached to you after sex, yes. Like all attachments, this fades a bit with time, especially after the honeymoon period ends and following the 2 year drop. Eventually, curiosity often begins to supersede their previously strong attachment, provided they're in an environment that inspires curiosity (i.e., if you're living in a small town with very few other viable mate choices, she probably never really becomes all that curious; if you're living in a modern megalopolis with new sexy men walking by her and talking to her and flirting with her every day, she probably ends up becoming increasingly curious at some point).
As far as the difference between you and Nish: man, there's only so much I can see about what you're doing and what he's doing from a few words on a screen on the Internet! If I watched Nish approach 10 girls and talk to them and I watched you approach 10 girls and talk to them I could probably tell you, but there's a lot of nuance you lose by typing things out into a couple of paragraphs, unfortunately. Text is a great medium for many things, but when you run into a problem where you're just not making headway and you can't figure out what it is and can't describe to other people what's causing it via text, sometimes the only way to fix it - if you're totally unable to yourself - is to find someone who's better than you to go out with and watch what he does different and try that, or to have him watch you and tell you where he sees you making mistakes. This was an invaluable part of my own learning curve - seeking out real-life wingmen who were markedly better with women than I was accelerated my growth cure enormously... I'd recommend, if all else is failing, you make that your top priority. Your intractable problems are often something an experienced guy can point out to you and tell you how to fix in just a couple of minutes of watching you interact.
Chase
Relationship with inexperienced woman = futile?
So, if I like an inexperienced woman (in my country and many other countries, almost all women are virgins before they marry), i will have the dilemma of giving her intentionally bad sex (and thus keeping an unsatisfied woman in a relationship as a secret lover/girlfriend/wife), or give her the sex of her dreams that she deserves, but will mean she will inevitably cheat on me/leave me?
Oh dear :(
I do prefer inexperienced women and i would like to marry such a woman one day (a local woman who can speak my own language). I hope you won't leave it at that, because then i (and many other men i'm sure) won't know what to do. It's a lose-lose situation.
Depending of where you live,
Depending of where you live, it is possible that what Chase calls the "Sexual awakening" might be repressed by the culture in which women grow and so will be the chances that she leaves you for another men..
Inexperienced Women
Anon-
The other responder here is right - very much depends on locale.
If you're in the West, unless you're living in a very small town in a very conservative part of your country (say, Bavaria in Germany, or the Deep South in the United States), rapidly growing curiosity is going to be a major issue faced by pretty much anyone trying to hang all but the most timid/reserved/repressed of inexperienced women.
However, if you're living in a very conservative part of the world - say, India, or the Middle East - where the majority of women are virgins until marriage and there's no real casual sex or hook up culture established, the options simply aren't there and the ideas don't even really exist to make this curiosity rear its head. You might eventually become curious about riding a pterodactyl if pterodactyls weren't extinct and everybody you knew was doing it, but when pterodactyls have been dead for 65 million years and nobody's ever ridden one and nobody can, you don't spend a whole lot of time really wanting to go pterodactyl joy-riding.
It's all about what environmental influences and opportunities a woman has around her. Pluck a Western girl and throw her somewhere that casual sex with attractive men stops being an option, she becomes conservative quite quickly (I've watched it happen with Western women living in, say, Kuala Lumpur, where all the Western men date and sleep with local girls and all the local men are considered too unattractive by Western women and/or don't have the nerve to approach them - even Western women who haven't had relationships in years because they've been too busy hooking up very quickly find themselves in committed relationships with the first guys they get their hands on there).
Likewise, take a conservative girl who's never slept with anyone other than her husband and never spent more than 5 minutes thinking about sex with another man (maybe only that sexy actor from the latest Bollywood film) and throw her into New York or London, and a few months later her curiosity is sky high and a difficult urge to control.
It's more about supply and demand than anything else - when options are restricted, so too is curiosity; when options are unbounded, curiosity follows suit.
Chase
inexperienced girl or virgins
If afraid of loosing her by the sexual awakening, another strategy could be to vary the level of orgasm as the relationship progresses. Start out by so-so orgasm, and then slowly turn on the knob and achieve higher levels of orgasm, this could give her a feeling (or you induce the feeling) that the deeper relationship she has with you, the more sexual fulfill-ness she can have. This could give women the experience they can have with various men, and hopefully lower the chance of loosing her.
Gradually Increasing Orgasm Strength
Quiet Guy-
I haven't tried this personally, but based on the mind's tendency to value recent experiences over all else, my gut tells me this wouldn't go quite as planned, simply because even if she spent two years having mediocre or "just good" sex with you, and then the sex started getting AWESOME, there's a good chance she starts wondering, "Wow, what ELSE am I missing out on?"
Most girls also always have girlfriends who will say, "Wow, I just had sex with X last night finally, and the sex was fanTASTIC." Your girl hears this and naturally wonders, "Whoa, was it better than my sex with Steve is?? Clara sure makes it SOUND like it was!!"
And then you end up with a raging flood of curiosity regardless.
Chase
Request fot Part 2 of "How to Overcome Depression"
Chase can you please write a follow up on "How to Overcome Depression", I tried working on the techniques but somehow cannot stop the thoughts when i tell myself to stop. for some reason i cannot keep up with the technique. But somehow i believe your system works, I don't know what i am doing wrong
Thanks in Advance
Depression
Dan-
There's not a "part 2" on that one; that's pretty much it.
The method I discussed there could probably be classified as a form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which is essentially training the mind to use specific skills to regain control of one's thoughts and emotions.
I read something recently that said that CBT doesn't work for a certain subset of people, and that medication is the preferred option in that case - it didn't specify why; if I had to guess, I'd probably say they might be some grouping of a) people whose emotions are so strong that they CAN'T will themselves to overcome them, even in small doses, and/or b) people who aren't convinced they'll be able to actively change their emotions, and so don't put in a full effort because they think it won't work before they've even begun.
My thinking is, anyone who WANTS to do it ought to be able to control his thoughts - all depression really is is your thoughts running wild, after all - but I'm not a trained psychologist and I haven't worked with the various kinds of depressions and other afflictions that a psychologist has, and this may well be a flawed assumption.
I'd say, if you're having difficulty, start by trying to build into your life positive things that give you a feeling of forward momentum and progress, and also force yourself to learn discipline - lifting weights was key for me. If you can make yourself lift weights, even if you don't want to, that makes it a lot easier to make your obsessive thought cycles shut down, even if they don't want to, and your positive thought cycles take their place.
If all else fails though, do get medication - you could always ask your psychologist for half the dose he'd normally recommend, and then try rerouting your thoughts then with a lesser form of depression. It might be easier to learn with half the depression, then try taking the dose to zero after you have it down well and learn to do it at full depression without medication.
Chase
Yo Chase, I'm 18 years old
Yo Chase,
I'm 18 years old and still a virgin. I was on the point of having sex once, but even though I get an erection very easily, this time I was too nervous and I couldn't have one. And guess what, now I'm a little afraid it's gonna happen again, so whenever I am making out with a girl and taking her clothes off, I hesitate, because you know, I'm kinda nervous and I can't get an erection.
The other problem is that even though I've started to be attractive and good with girls (I can see that a lot of girls are attracted to me, which is great, but here comes the bomb) I find it really hard to get a girl sleep with me. I don't like relationships, but one night stands seem to be almost futile... I'm good at turning them on, but that seems to be not enough.
Please reply me and give me a solution, these 2 problems have been mocking me for like a year and it's really frustrating...
PS: do you think I should just get a prostitute for the first time? Even though I'm usually against this, I'm thinking that she may help me get rid of inhibitions.
Getting It Up / LMR
Anon-
On performance anxiety / getting an erection, see this thread on the discussion boards:
Will women give you another go if you couldn't get it up?
In the fifth post on that thread, I give my advice for getting erect if you're having trouble.
On getting girls into bed, see this article, which is all on the escalation process and dealing with last minute resistance:
How to Get a Girl in Bed: 10 Crucial Tips for Making Her Yours
On getting a prostitute... yeah, I don't know, that's difficult to say. It might "normalize" sex for you and make it less of a big, scary deal, but there's also a risk it sets negative subconscious beliefs about women into your head - e.g., guys I know who've slept with a lot of prostitutes and not had much success sleeping with women they weren't paying for sex frequently become cynical about women and think that women are too picky, too hard to get, all want you to pay them one way or another, etc. It might be worth skipping the risk of developing bad beliefs about women and just sucking it up and pushing through things with a girl you aren't paying for your first time. In a perfect world, I'd say it's probably best to hold off on prostitutes until you're at least reasonably adept at getting women, so you don't fall into any incorrect "all women are like THIS" mentalities.
Chase
Business + Lifestyle Development
Great article Chase
You've mentioned before on the site you're something like half way through your growth curve in entrepreneurial, business, independent living etc.
Would you consider writing a book/ebook on the subject/s, now or in the future (like you've done with pickup - with 'How to Make Girls Chase', 'Spellbinding' etc.) because that would be a brilliant read!
Thanks
Re: Business + Lifestyle Development
Anon-
I might, once I consider myself enough of a success to be teaching others! Right now I wouldn't say I'm enough of a business success to start espousing my own advice just yet. My recommendations instead would be to turn to some of the business books / authors mentioned in this article: Recommended Reading.
For now, this is a skill set that captivates me a great deal, that I'm continuously consuming a lot of material on and testing a lot of things out on, and that I seem to be getting a decent grasp on, but there are enough holes in my knowledge and more resounding failures than standout successes in my business history that I'm afraid I'd be doing more harm than good putting out something on business at this point. There are enough people churning out business books and information based on limited business success already... cough * Robert Kiyosaki * cough.
Chase
Unsavory Family Members
Hi, Chase! This is great advice--And I love the feminist at the beggining.
I was curious if you have any advice on dealing with a girlfriends family members, particularly ones that decide they dont like you and try to make things as difficult as they can. For example, overzealous white knight brothers that are willing to lie, frame, slander, etc?
Also, I'm not so sure about your new money making model. I havnt subscribed and Ive gotten no trouble reading every post that you give us. Maybe a heads up? I'd hate for you and this rare, beyond-high-quality life advice to go under.
Re: Unsavory Family Members
Humpert-
Family members' reactions have a lot to do with your general overall likability - as you increase charm, charisma, graciousness, etc., likability goes up, and you get increasingly positive receptions from nigh everybody. With family in particular, you want to come across gallant and committed with your girlfriend - basically, around them, you want to seem like the absolute perfect husband for your girl, no matter what kind of relationship you have for her, and behave as though you're a member of the family - pull out chairs, help clean up the kitchen after a meal, take out the trash, etc. Families want their daughters/sisters to be with the BEST man they can possibly get (who will still be 100% committed to them), so, at least around them, this is whom you must be.
If a family member is still acting unreasonable despite you doing all this, the best thing you can do is talk to your girlfriend and bring the problem to her attention and ask her to do something. If he keeps up, ask your girlfriend to bring the problem to her parents' / other family members' attention so that they're forewarned and aren't believing the things coming out of this one person's mouth.
On the business model - it's going acceptably for now - I think most of the people who are signing up are the heavy users of the site, who treat it more as a Wikipedia kind of site than a new site. The people who are mainly just reading new articles (like you seem to be) I realize we're not getting enough content right now to make it necessary for these folks to subscribe. I'm working to bring on some new writers in addition to me now that we have a business model to properly support this - in fact, the first new article from one of our new writers, Peter Fontes, goes up tomorrow. The short-term goal for now is doubling the number of articles going up every week - I'd like to be writing 3 a week for now myself, and have another 3 a week going up from various writers. Assuming the quality of the content remains as high as I'd like it to and people want to read it all, I expect this'll serve as incentive for some of the people who stick to reading only new articles to sign up too.
We'll see what happens over the next few months as I get more articles going up on GC from more writers.
Chase
He actually doesn't mean that
He actually doesn't mean that he's reading only what he needs to read, but that he can read unlimited articles without subscribing.
I Always Say Or Do The Wrong Things
I seem to always say the wrong things that makes me lose girls. Now I know your going to say keep trying different things and see what works. The thing is I could do everything right and say everything right, but I'll mess up and do or say something stupid that makes me lose the girl.
I was trying to be cutesy and said to a girl "I want to talk my (girl's name) and never got a response ever again. After she told me she wants to talk on the phone to get more comfy with me, tell me where I messed up with that. guess it was too possessive, too soon, or what ever I lost the girl. I was doing really good with her until that part.
Might be good for an article "Stop doing things or saying things that will lose you a girl In a heartbeat" but id like quick tips on how to stop saying or doing the wrong things.
P.S. If a girl says she wants to get comfortable with you before you meet because you didnt talk to her much during the pick up, do you push for the date and tell her to get comfortable during the date or do what I did and get to know her on the phone? I tried the phone thing and I think I slipped up cuz her attraction seemed to go down.
Phone Game for me Please : ) and should I just be dry and bored with texting and phone calls?
Thanks Chase
Doing the Wrong Thing
Anon-
I know - it's frustrating when you're starting out. You will make a LOT of mistakes - that's how you learn. That's also why the more women you're meeting, generally, the faster you'll improve... it's really because meeting more women allows you to make more mistakes, which is how you realize what's okay to do, what's GOOD to do, and what's NOT good to do.
Being too possessive too early (cutesy pet names that weren't clearly established in person first, or when you didn't clearly establish a very playful persona in person first) will indeed sink you fast - your read is correct. It seems like you recognize what you're doing wrong when it happens - you'll learn fast if you're able to guess what your mistakes are and try something different the next time around.
I'll add that down to the article queue though - "things not to do with girls" would make for insteresting reading, yeah.
If a girl's telling you she needs to get comfortable with you first, that's kind of weird, but hey, it takes all kinds! I'd probably suggest you reply by just saying, "Okay - that's normally what meeting up is for, but no biggie. Why don't you give me a call - I'll be free most of tonight and tomorrow night. We can talk about [something silly]."
Then if she doesn't call you, you call her on the second night around 9:30 or 10 PM with, "Hey, I thought you were going to call me and get all comfortable with me."
Chase
My Sticking Point
Hey Chase, I just wanted to know what I could do differently about my sticking points and what would you do.
Ill tell you exactly how everything goes until my sticking point.
I will talk about cold approach girls right now. This is usually the routine for me . The girl agrees she wants to see me, I get her number, depending on the girl she will either take long as hell to text back or be quick. Its gotten quciker so I guess My fundamentals are getting better, anyway what happens 100 percent of the time is we wont talk after one week. She'll give me 2-3 days and thats about it, I know I have to move faster, but it's hard when the girls keep flaking on me.
So my sticking point is not getting dates from the cold approach.
What I do is just text for a date or maybe a little rapport, we might exchange pics, this seems to work good for me because I get positive responses to them. Would you exchange pics?
So yeah 1. They Agree to seeing me again
2. Text for a date or for a little rapport
3. I dont see them
what else can I do to get rid of this sticking point and what would you do?
Social circle girls. They always flake, I do stay on their peripheral but get no dates. The girls are very flirty with me and think im attractive, but were not going out or sleeping together. I think my vibe might be a little too friendly or something, I sexy smile alot and I also laugh a lot but I toned it down so much compared to before. Should I be dead serious with them? What could I do better and what would you do?
Thats my sticking point. Been here for a while now and im going a little crazy. Thank you tho Chase.
Re: My Sticking Point
Balla-
First thing I'd do is quit exchanging pictures. If you're a cool/confident guy, you don't really need these, or care about them. I personally don't have pictures of a girl in my phone until I've been seeing her at least a couple of months, generally. Sometimes not even then. It certainly won't be something you'll make a priority... it feels like you're making it very serious a little too soon.
The next thing I'd try, if texting still isn't working out for you, is calling. It might be that the way you're meeting women is too quick, or the context is too weird, and it isn't conducive to texting. If the impression you make is not super strong yet, decent phone game can help with this. She might not be excited about a date just from you inviting her over text, but if she reasonably enjoyed meeting you in person and then she reasonably enjoys talking to you over the phone, that can add up to a, "Well, okay, let me try this guy out in person and see what it's like."
You also might try putting up some examples of your texting conversations on the GC Phone Calls and Texting board. There are a lot of sharp guys on there who are pretty good with texting who can probably critique these for you and give you some suggestions.
On social circle girls, if it feels like you're being a bit too friendly, you probably are. You can't get to know a girl in social circle too well unless you plan to pull right then; if you're just going to call her later, try to keep contact as light as possible. The better she feels she knows you after meeting you in a social circle context, the more likely she is to feel like you could be someone valuable to her as a friend and/or a liability to her as a lover.
Chase
Original commenter - thanks Chase.
Hi Chase,
I'm the reader you're responding to. Since I wrote that comment a few months ago, I still visit your site because it's among the best out there, but I've also branched out to other resources on pickup/game/red pill (I'm sure you know the ones). I've noticed this site is far less 'angry' seeming and very different to a lot of PUA sites in its style... Intentional?
I'm still with the girl in question, she is very in to me and all is well. I'm still learning about seduction though, because I've been astounded at how well it's worked for me on the way to becoming successful with women (girlfriend and losing virginity after just a month of studying the stuff), and I don't want to stagnate in my seduction education just because I'm in a relationship. After this one's over, I intend to have a bit more fun, not commit to one person, try stopping girls on the street, etc.
Advice to the guy above who is having trouble getting hard for sex:
I had this problem. I could get rock hard kissing my (now) girlfriend at the bar but when it came to coming home, I completely lost it and couldn't get aroused. This is psychological - you're stressing out. Thankfully my girlfriend was so into me she wouldn't let that phase her despite me failing to perform the first few times.
Here's how I got over it: I forced myself to be really sexual, caveman-style. Grab her, be really passionate with kissing, rip her clothes off and just take her there and then. It's a great way to get her horny and wanting it too. If you do this and be very sexually aggressive, you tend not to care so much and your erection stays just fine. Remember: it's all in your head. Something in your subconscious is stopping you from getting hard, and that thing is nervousness. So take my advice, be really insatiable and horny, it should work out fine and thereafter sex will be easy. The WORST thing you can do is get depressed about it and get really wound up about it in front of her. If it happens, just brush it off with 'I just am a little nervous. You must be really hot, ha!' and lie there kissing her. Make no big deal out of it.
In regards to the whole 'sexual awakening', Chase, I have sort of done this with my girl as she comments on how she never really used to enjoy sex before she met me, and now she can't wait for it. She loves giving me blowjobs too, which is something she never really used to do very often. She says things like "I can't believe what you've done to me, making me so sexualised!" so I think I am definitely on the right path there.
But she still hasn't orgasmed. I took your advice in point (1) but something strange happens: she loves it when I use it but refuses to use it herself, saying she doesn't enjoy it. The one time she did use it herself, she cried afterwards, and this has happened once when I used it on her too. Really strange, huh? She has said that she sometimes feels dirty using it... The girl is repressed sexually, it seems.
I wonder what your take on this is. Also, when she is close to climaxing (which she can feel) she often says 'I don't know what to do!' or 'I don't know how to!'... So I will take your advice and tell her to shut up and stop putting pressure on herself. I have also tried your recommended position and it's good, so I will try it again in the future.
I should also mention I recently found out she's on antidepressants, and anorgasmia is a potential side-effect of that... So that might be it. But her dose is reduced as her depression clears up every so often, so I'm not giving up.
Thanks Chase.
Anger & Orgasms
Anon-
Don't mention it!
On "angry-seeming," yes, there are plenty of guys out there who know what they're doing with women and have positive attitudes towards women, but most of those guys don't write (the trend in life in general is people who need to vent / rant / complain take every opportunity they can, while people who are happy are usually too busy living life to be writing a lot down). Some recommendations for other sites with good information and a positive frame of mind would be Jesse Charger's, David Tian's, and Mark Manson's - all are friends and all have pretty healthy attitudes about women (I'm supposed to do an audio interview for David's site sometime next week or the week after if we can get our schedules to align).
On the girlfriend - when she complains about the vibrator, she really just needs reassurance. She needs you to say, "Look, do you want orgasms?" and when she says 'yes,' to say, "Okay. Well, until you learn how to experience them yourself, there's nothing that I or any other man on Earth can do for you. This-" show her the vibrator, "- is not going to hurt you. In fact, it's going to make you feel wonderful, wonderful things. If you want orgasms, you need to use it though. I'm not going to force you - what I'm going to do is, I'm going to put it in your drawer, and whenever you decide you want to start learning how to do this, it's right here."
Inexperienced girls close to climaxing: yes, that happens. They tend to freak out and abort the sex when they get too close, because the feeling is too intense and it's more than they can handle. My recommendation is when you get this, to first check and make sure they're not in pain, and then provided they're not, to tell them, "I'm not stopping. I'm going to MAKE you enjoy yourself," and then bring them to climax.
Chase
Foreign Women
Hey Chase,this comment is more related to the narccisistic article.After reading your articles on Location :meet women more easily and whats wrong with dating in america: and much of the west,it led me to doing some online research and finding a website called happier abroad.Some of the information on there is partly caused by victm mentality I think,but at the same time a lot of does make sense and through an intermediete amount of experience approaching women in the America and parts of western europe such as Germany,ive come to some of the same conclusions listed in this article-
http://www.happierabroad.com/comparison.htm
If you skim through and read a few of the bullet points and give me your opinion on this i would apreciate it,especially because I know you dont give politically correct answers,and you have experience approaching in asian countries.Im at a point where im seriously considering moving overseas to avoid some of the major negatives western women.I would really like to know your top destinations for meeting women?
Re: Foreign Women
Anon-
You get weird, often extreme comparisons between the people who want to stay and the people who want to go, particularly with the United States (well, we kind of have extreme reactions about everything in the U.S.). The men who stay say, "This is the BEST country in the world, and those guys who leave are PUSSIES who can't HANDLE American women!" The men who leave say, "America is a TERRIBLE country for men, the women are ALL fat and entitled and can't cook, and the women overseas are SO MUCH BETTER in every way that counts. The men who stay behind only do so because they've been BEATEN DOWN and don't know what they're missing out on."
The truth, as often happens with competing extremes, is somewhere more in the middle. It's easier to meet women overseas because you're the novelty; you don't get the "same country effect" where women screen you harder and hold you to higher standards because they automatically slap you into the same box that all the other local guys they've met and dated and flirted with and had chase after them before are in, and you've really got to fight to get out of that. When you're foreign, those standards go out the window because women meet you and think, "Oh... he's DIFFERENT."
A German girl meeting you in Germany thinks you're a novelty. Likewise, an American girl meeting a German man in America thinks HE'S a novelty. And you meeting a German girl in America would find her quite the novelty too.
For all the obesity in the U.S. (and there IS a lot of it), there are still plenty of young, thin, attractive women. Depending on where you go, you can even get pretty good ratios (e.g., 200,000 more single women in NYC than single men; compared to 20,000 more single men in L.A. than single women; East Coast cities are better, ratio-wise). You'll tend to get a confidence boost outside your home country because you're special and different and you KNOW it; it's harder to develop this back where you sound and look like everyone else.
That said, how well you do at home translates to how well you do overseas. I've been in countries I thought were INCREDIBLY easy to pick up women in, and met men who had not been with a single woman in months of living there (but wished they could be). These guys talk about how local women were cagey and conservative and difficult, and my response is always, "Are we even talking about the same country here?"
As far as where to move, that depends on your tastes in women to large degree. German women are quite nice, and might even be the friendliest women of Western Europe - I've only visited about half the countries there, but Germany stands out as very good. Italian women I thought were some of the most beautiful I'd seen, but I only spent a few days there and most of the women I met in Italy were fellow travelers... according to most of my friends, Italian women are very conservative (in response to Italian men's hyper-aggressiveness). Eastern Europe supposedly has some buried gems, but I haven't visited yet. I'm very curious about Russia, but don't have any personal experience there. Peter, our new writer, has been there, and he didn't do too shabby with the local women.
In Asia, Japan remains a solid choice for sleeping with lots of women in a hurry, because the culture there is very laissez-faire about sex, the women remain enamored with foreigners, and because of the culture if you are good at leading firmly ("Come, come, yes, this way, come on! We're going this way!") the girls will just follow you. China is nice if you want women who are taller than what you'll get in Japan, and there are a surprising number of well-endowed Chinese women, too (apparently, they ship all the ones with small chests overseas). However, the culture is not quite the same as Japan; some men find it quite easy in China (I did); other men find it challenging (typically the ones who aren't good at getting out of boyfriend consideration). Korea has arguably the most attractive women of Asia, but the culture is rather closed off and the men are very protective of their women (though the women are quite curious, and some of them surprisingly open-minded). Southeast Asia can be good for women too, but there are a lot of places (like Thailand) that are so flooded with sex tourists and prostitutes that everyone automatically assumes you're there to pay for sex if you're a foreigner, and the only women who want to be around you, for the most part, are the ones who want your money. They may still like you, but they'd also like you to pay them, and not just like them. I've kicked a number of women out of my hotel rooms in SE Asia after we got back and they asked for money.
South America is another favorite for a lot of guys; I've only been to Peru, but didn't do any picking up (I had a Peruvian girlfriend who flew us both down there to see some of the country). Columbia is supposed to be the cheapest to live in and have the warmest and most beautiful women, but it's hard if you don't speak Spanish, and it's a little dangerous. Brazil I know Ricardus lived in for a few years I think and enjoyed quite a bit, though if I remember right he recommends you avoid the biggest cities (Rio, São Paulo) since the novelty effect for foreigners is not so great these days... apparently it's still on in full force in smaller towns though.
Chase
Communication
Hey Chase,
So I was out with some friends and this one guy I barely know meets up with us to chill. Of course, like every guy I have met lately he has girl problems and he has to rant so we let him. His problem is that he says his girl has lost her sex drive, first month they were like bunnies, sixth month they meet 6 or 7 times a week but he usually only has sex once or twice if he is lucky.
He told her yesterday that he has been feeling bad about it and not "wanted" and she said, (through text) "I don't know what's going on with me. I love you and you're smoking hot all the time. I have a lot of stuff wrong with me and I'm trying [...] etc".
I know this girl personally and shes fine enough, no mental problems or anything, I'm speculating that she was just taking care of his emotions.
So he asks us for advice I give in my input telling him like most couples she is probably getting bored, she has not lost her sex drive, sex is probably routine for her and lacks novelty and he should try out some new stuff with her, bring excitement back although it could be something else since I don't have all the details and not to look needy asking her for sex.
His face expressionless,( probably not to happy because if he accepted what I said it means he has a problem with his sexual prowess), he nods his face then asks others for guidance. 4 guys, 3 girls all say and stress "Communication" and that them two should talk and find out whats "wrong" with her, lol.
Felt like I was at a Dr. Phil rally, couldn't help smiling to myself when they all talked about that for 10 minutes.
Also, funny how the girl is getting blamed for this when it is most likely the guys fault!!
So a question popped in my head. I do not scour through the relationship articles too much but when I do I always see some technique or mentality a guy has to do on his part to solve a problem, I never got the impression that communication is key for everything, the man has to take responsibility for the relationship and figure it out, not lay it on the girl and blame her and look needy.
1.) So should the guy talk to her in this instance about it?
2.) Everybody says communication is key to a relationship, is this true completely or in a way? Why does everyone say this?
3.) Are there any situations that communication should be used to solve a relationship problem, and situations where it will create a bigger problem?
4.) Hows the relationship book coming along?
Re: Communication
Nick-
As terrible a cliché as it is, communication really IS the big thing most relationships are missing.
... however, here's the "but." Everybody bandies about that hackneyed soundbite of, "You need communication!" and then gives piss poor follow-up advice on what exactly that means. Most people say "communication" but think, "You need to sit around and pour your hearts out to each other and gently ask her what's wrong!" And then guys here this, and put on their caring sensitive face, and go try that, and the girl gets disgusted and then tries taking care of their sensitive emotions: "It's not you, it's me; I'll figure it out."
How do you really communicate with her? Basically, you grab her and shake her (figuratively, not literally) until she spits it out, and then you tell her what YOU need, and then the both of you figure out how those two things are going to happen.
Like, you have a girlfriend who's not having sex, and you corner her at your place one day and say, "Look. What is it? I need to know what's going on with your sex drive if I can fix it. Are you unsatisfied?"
And she'll say, "No, it's fine, it's great, you're fine, it's me..."
And you'll say, "Bullshit. What is it? Tell me what it is. I can't fix it if I don't know what it is."
And she'll say, "No really, it's not you..."
And you'll say, "Yes it is. If it wasn't me, you'd be on my cock and we'd be fucking every time you came over. If you could change anything about who I am or what I do to you what would you change?"
Keep at this long enough and she'll finally come out with what it is: "Okay, I just feel like every time we have sex, it's good, but it's not, like, GREAT. So I'm just not really excited about doing it more than once a week."
And then you'll say, "Okay. Define 'great.' What's GREAT sex to you? What's sex that's just so steamy good that every time you think about me your pussy gets wet?"
And then she'll tell you something, and if it isn't steamy enough you'll say, "No, that's not steamy enough. That's still just GOOD sex. What's GREAT sex? Tell me about GREAT sex."
And then she'll tell you what it is. And then you'll have your idea. And maybe you'll say, "Okay, got it. Now let me tell you why I haven't been performing as well. Honestly, I think you are a sexy love goddess, but you always come over in sweats and it really only leaves me half as horny as I could be. I promise you that if you came over here looking SEXY... or if you came over here one day and just started peeling those clothes off and showed me that gorgeous body of yours on your own... I would tear into you with the full force of a great sex hurricane and do all that stuff you want done to you and more."
THAT is communication, but you've really got to be dogged at 1) dragging out of her what the real problem is, and pinning her down until you get it out of her, and then 2) telling her what YOU need from HER to give her what she wants from you.
Then both of you are happier.
Most people never do this, they just sit and steam and snipe at each other until the resentment builds enough that they go and break up in disgust.
Chase
Sexual Awakening
Hey Chase,
I just want to start out by saying after doing some research on Google about relationships and women's psychology, I can say without second thought that your information is superior to anything else out there. Many guys are in dire need of information like this.
I'm curious about the sexual awakening though. Me and my girlfriend are in love and have been dating for 10 months. She only had sex only once before me and she was 19 (we are both 20 now). Even though she knew the guy for awhile she said it was really awkward and wished she would have met me before she had done it and at first I wished the same thing (after reading your article I'm glad she had not).
Before I knew what it was, I had definitely given her, her sexual awakening. I know the chances rise with less experience, but is one time enough for her to not get too curious? She's definitely not a high-sex drive/free spirit type girl. I agree with your article, but it concerns me because we are both in love and I would hate to lose her. By the way, we live in America and go to a modest sized college. I'm not worried about college guys whatsoever, but she will be studying abroad for a month in South America (not sure where yet). Is it safe to be able to trust her? Being away for that amount of time with only one other lover concerns me. I know this is an important test in our relationship, but it still bothers me.
I'd appreciate your expert input!
Thanks
Sexual Awakening Scare
This has caused me to think really hard about taking the next step in my relationship. I met my girl just over 2 years ago when she was still a virgin. She had never had a vaginal orgasm before she met me - only clitoral from masturbation. This nice, quiet, cool mannered, spiritual young lady - a STRAIGHT good girl - has become a sex fiend since meeting me. I've even made her CURSE a number of times during sex!! The characteristics that you wrote about are all there. She's VERY loyal to me, VERY much in love with me (as I am with her), but we're at the 2 year mark where you said things start going downhill. This troubles me seriously because we recently got engaged... I'm now worried that her faithfulness to me will start to fade after we get married.
Ok, then what?
So, my Bf is great at getting me to orgasm from penetration (and every other method imaginable. Lucky me, right?
Well, now I find myself in the position the average male is in: I'm the one who always wants sex. He's got all the control; if he wants it, he gets it, and if he's not interested at the moment, I'm left to sulk off and pout.
"Oh, why don't you just masturbate?" says the casual onlooker.
This is not average technique I'm talking about. I'm talking about, loss of speech, eyes stuck in the back of my head, temporary paralysis orgasms. It's like telling someone to go to MacDonalds when they've become accustomed to five star dining.
And more often than not, he's not interested. If he's in the middle of a video game, or just catching up on youtube, my advances are snubbed, like sub par caviar. THEN, when he's got nothing better to amuse him, he'll more or less snap his finger, and expect me to jump (onto him).
As one would expect, I feel quite hurt by this, and my strong, independent spirit at first says "Oh no you don't! I'm not a trained pony! I'm not falling for this." Which he responds to with even greater indifference. Or worse, changes his mind. "It's right here. Take it or leave it." seems to be the idea, because he knows that in about an hour or so, I'll come crawling (often literally) back, with a significant change in tune.
That's only in the event that he's given me enough time to even start thinking about it. Sometimes, it's just, "You, clothes off, now." Or not even that. Now, I'm in the middle of getting the sense fucked out of me, but I'm still feeling indigent.
You probably want to buy my partner a round of drinks at this point. And I can't blame you. This is what men train for, right? To be able to have sex from the woman you want, at your beck and call.
But, this isn't a one night stand. This isn't a fling. This is the man that plans on making me his wife, and I plan on excepting that proposal. We've been together 4+ years, living together 2+ of that. He's my best friend, and I, his. It hurts, because I used to feel really great about myself when we had sex. I got to seduce, strip tease, charm, all that fun stuff. Now, I just feel like a charity case. I don't get to seduce anymore. I'm a woman. I can't seduce my own partner. I don't know how to explain to a guy how that feels, but it's not a fun feeling.
When I try to explain to him that I feel like I'm not as interesting to him sexually, he tells me I'm being silly, or that he's tired or not feeling well (which is sometimes totally valid, he works a very physically demanding job) So I do what I can to make him comfortable, and maintain patience until he's feeling more up to it, but he's realized that the excuse will allow him to coast until whenever he feels like being bothered, because he knows I won't disturb him until he tells me otherwise. Meanwhile, I'm doing anything I can to distract myself from that nagging urge. I've even tried convincing myself that, as a woman, I'm not supposed to be feeling so wound up all the time, and "idle hands are the devils workplace" And regardless of that being true or not, it doesn't seem to make a difference. I thought, maybe working out was giving me an increase in testosterone, but going to the gym seems to be one of the few things that get my mind off of sex.
I don't even have the escape of infidelity, like some women. I don't want anyone else. I don't think I could ever want anyone else. I don't think I'm a mean woman. I try to keep the house as best I can, he seems to have more free time and space than he knows what to do with. If I need something done around the house, I make it a "suggestion" (for example, "Would you be willing to hang up these shelves for me?" or "When you're not busy, could we work on moving the sofa?") so I don't think I'm a nag. I guess it could just be the old stand by that he's lost interest in me, and is just fucking me because I'm there, and willing? It hurts just thinking about it. In every other aspect of our relationship, he seems perfectly content, as am I.
I don't know. Ideas?
The Paradox?
First of all I would like to thank for all your great articles on seduction and the way women work in general. Now it has been on my mind for quite a while what I'm about to ask and please excuse me if somebody else has already asked this question in a comment before. I'm going to make a link between this article and another. The other one is how to prevent cheating. Well one of the things mentioned in this article is that the "awakening" will heighten her sex drive if I'm correct since she is going to lose some of her "restraints" and in your other article (How to prevent cheating) you mentioned that one of the things that were to be avoided if you looked for a wife that wouldn't cheat on you is a women with a high sex drive. Now please tell me (honestly, this question has been on my mind for a moment) if the "awakening" should be avoided if you want a loyal partner that will never look the other way (keeping in mind, That I already apply the other things that you mentioned in your article on how to prevent her from cheating) ?? In other words does the "awakening" increase the chance of her cheating?
This is the truth
Actually I just had a virgin in my bed 5 nights ago abd after making her orgasm multiple times and keeping her up all night she went back to her ex. 2 days later This is the same ex who won't even cuddle or hold her by the way lol.She even admitted I'd gotten so much further with her in that 1 night than he did in 2 years. Virgins are unpredictable. Shame is I really liked this one but that's how things happen I guess.
Old article, but I`ll ask.I
Old article, but I`ll ask.I am in a 5 year amazing relationship.Me and my gf, we are both young, fit, sexy young people.I am very sexual, she is too.But the only minus is that she can`t orgasm.She has never orgasmed in her life.She hasnt masturbated as a young girl, and now as a result she cant orgasm.And this is something that I miss a lot.A am not inexperienced.I ve been with a lot of women before my relationship and have made plenty of them orgasm.Dont want to brag, but I have a very good skills, I am giving everything in bed, to make the woman orgasm, also I have a good size dick.But no matter what, my girl cant orgasm.I have been argue with her, being angry with her.I have stated many times, that I don`t like the situation and I want from her to start researching and to learn how she can orgasm.She always says yes, and then she does nothing.And this is touchy topic for her.Now I am concerned, that I may have done things the wrong way.Instead of buy her a vibrator and tell her in masculine way, like a man ""We wont do sex, until you orgasm, this is your new penis, forget about mine'', I have been in the needy, waiting side, where I wait for her, to go buy herself a vibrator and start masturbating when she is alone.Or at least I think this has been the case.Can you give me some advice?
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