How to Get a Girl in Bed: 10 Crucial Tips for Making Her Yours
Saturday, 22 October 2011
I haven't touched much on last minute resistance on this site, and it's about the time I got a proper post up on it. Before we jump in, I want to share a note from a reader who wrote in asking about how to get a girl in bed to illustrate what I'll be talking about and provide us an example case to work from:
“Hi Chase, Firstly I'd like to say that I love your blog and that many things have started to make sense (especially about moving fast). After taking your advice I decided to try it out and act as though the only night I had a chance of sleeping with a girl was that night.
It started with me being introduced to a girl through a friend at a party, we flirted a bit and I intentionally moved her around. When we got to town everyone got separated and we were together, after moving her around more I persuaded her to take me back to hers for a "sandwich".
We got back to hers she made me a sandwich and after that it started getting a bit steamy in the bedroom. However when I went to take her panties off she wouldn't let me, even after trying about 5 times. She then claimed that she was too tired and we should try in the morning. When the morning came she avoided sex again and I managed to find out that she though sex was pointless if we weren't in a relationship.
To say the least I was confused and angry but also felt a sense of failure as though I wasn't good enough to be her lover. I mean why would a girl take me to hers, heavily make out with me and then refuse to have sex even if she wanted a boyfriend? I wanted to be put in the lover zone not the boyfriend zone.
A reply to this would be much appreciated but a blog post on why a girl would do this would be awesome.”
Our reader's case here is a classic case of last minute resistance, or LMR -- that thing that happens when it feels for all the world like you're just about to sleep with a girl, that it's totally inevitable, that all that either of the two of you want in all of existence is to just be together... and then she suddenly, inexplicably, unexpectedly throws a wall up and won't let you proceed. Why's that happen, and what can you do about it?
To show you how to get a girl in bed and overcome last minute resistance, first we're going to have to get you to understand why women react this way -- and then we're going to have to teach you what you can do about it.
Being a Woman is No Easy Ride
As a man, it can be incredibly frustrating how flakey, indecisive, and unpredictable most women tend to be. They say they'll call you and they don't; girls flake, ask to go somewhere else, say yes then no, no then yes, tell you they can stay then say they've got to leave. It's one of the most maddening, bewildering, indecipherable things about girls for the vast majority of men out there. Because as men, we know that if we say we're going to be somewhere or do something, we follow through. Why can't women?
Until you see it from a woman's point of view, women's flakiness seems utterly ditzy and scatterbrained. But see it from their perspective you must, and once you have, it looks a whole lot different.
Let's start with a story.
Imagine you're buying a car. From a used car lot. There's none of the certainty you have at a dealership for new cars; some of these cars are diamonds in the rough, and some of them are lemons cleverly disguised as pearls. And you, though you've got experience with cars, you're certainly no expert; you're just going on your best guess and hoping you pick well.
So, you take a ride in a car with a dealer. It looks good on the outside; the interior is plush and comfortable. As you're driving down the road, you grin at the dealer, and the dealer grins back at you. "I think I like this car!" you tell him. You're thinking you're going to get it as soon as you get back to the lot. This is the one. But then, as you hit the brakes to decelerate coming off the highway, the car suddenly shifts and shudders --
Brrrr, brrr, BRRR!
The brake pedal shimmies hard under your foot.
Whoa, that wasn't good, you think. The confidence you had moments earlier that this was the car for you instantly and totally evaporates. Now you're certain this isn't the one for you.
"Is it supposed to do that?" you ask the dealer nervously.
"Oh," he says, "you have the emergency brake on. Jesus, be careful," he says, putting the emergency brake down for you, "you'll break the car driving like that."
You blush. "My mistake," you say, suddenly reassured. "I didn't realize."
"It's all right!" he laughs kindly. "Let's head back to the lot." You do, but you're still on edge. Adrenaline is coursing through your veins. You like this car -- it's everything you wanted -- but the memory of that shuddering, even though you caused it, is still in your head, and your embarrassment at driving with the emergency brake on is making you uncomfortable.
"Yeah, it's a good car," you tell him when you make it back to the lot.
"Great. So you'll take it?" he asks expectantly.
"Ummm...." you say, "I'll think about. Okay?"
You leave, and never return. You end up buying a different car a few weeks later -- one you didn't even like as much as that first one.
Why'd all this happen?
Well, it happened because you were the buyer, the dealer was the seller, and as the one making a big purchase with limited information who knows his information is limited and possibly flawed, you were on edge the entire time, ears perked for the slightest hint you were buying a lemon, and sensitive to any inability on the part of the seller to get you completely calm and reassured that this is the one for you.
In other words, you just experienced last minute resistance, and you got to be on the other side of a transaction getting tossed in the trash pail over seemingly minute details.
Welcome to the tough reality of life as a woman.
Buyers, Sellers, and Competing Interests
When you're the one who's selling -- the dealer, in the case of our used car example, and the man, in the case of getting girls in bed -- your primary objective is to get the buyer to accept.
But when you're the one who's buying -- the car shopper, in the case of our example above, or the woman, in the case of seduction -- your primary objective is to not get gypped.
And make no mistake, in the realm of men and women sleeping together, the men are the sellers and the women are the buyers.
Why? Well, if twenty beautiful women with seemingly amazing personalities asked you to bed, how many of them would you say "no" to? If you're like most guys, the answer's probably "None of them!" That's just like the car dealer -- if twenty people want to buy cars off his lot at the price he wants them to pay, how many of them will he turn down? Yeah -- none, right?
You get a lot of girls who meet the standards you're looking for, you win. The dealer gets a lot of car shoppers who'll pay him what he wants for his cars, he wins. This is the seller's position.
But if a girl just took any man who came her way based on a cursory one-over of his looks and personality, there's a good chance she soon ends up pregnant and for all she knows he may move on and not stick around and support that child and she's screwed, socially, financially, and every other way there is. Furthermore, she doesn't actually know him -- and for all she knows, the child she's carrying might end up being slow, or strange, or something else that she hadn't recognized from that cursory glance she gave the guy.
And that's not even to mention the potential damage her reputation and ability to land a high quality mate later on might suffer if the man is indiscrete or turns out to be a social outcast. Or the danger he might pose to her personally if he turns out to be crazy -- a big, strong man is a very real threat to a woman, who's usually going to be smaller and a lot less aggressive than he is. There are a ton of reasons -- both practical and biological -- that women need to be a lot more careful than men in who they go to bed with.
It's just like a car buyer who buys the first car she sees that looks good; for all she knows, simply grabbing that first thing to come her way, the engine might just fall out on the way home.
Because of this, car buyers are usually quite careful about their purchases, and women are usually quite careful about their lovers. The stakes for the buyers are much, much higher than they are for the sellers.
This is where last minute resistance comes from. It's also where flakiness, mind-changing, and unpredictability comes from. What seems like nitpicky silliness to a man is usually a very big deal to a woman.
The Point of Sale and Last Minute Resistance
Even once you've found a car you really like, you're still going to tend to be really nervous and hesitant about buying it.
- What if it turns out to be no good, despite all the checks you've done?
- What if you're actually paying too much, and you won't realize it until it's too late?
- What if there might be a better car out there, and you're going with one that doesn't measure up compared with what you might get?
These are the kinds of concerns that might pop into your head at the last minute when buying a car. And they're very similar to the ones that pop into many women's heads before the moment of truth in a seduction.
No matter how sold she was on you up to that point, it's common for worries to run through her head like:
- What if he doesn't actually like me that much, and he's just saying he likes me to get sex?
- What if he's going to think I'm too easy if we have sex now, and he's going to toss me aside immediately after?
- What if he's not what he says he is, and I'm being tricked and deceived?
- What if my friends find out? Will they judge me? Will they like him?
- What if I don't want this with this guy? Maybe I'm making a mistake.
- What if he isn't the best guy for me? Am I 100% sure I want him?
These are the kind of things you're up against when you're trying to get a girl in bed and you run into last minute resistance. This is why she suddenly and inexplicably freezes up, pushes back, or starts trying to shut you down when, like our reader with the girl with the sandwich at the start of this article, you finally make your move.
For a most women, physical intimacy feels like a very big deal because, historically and evolutionarily speaking, it was (and frequently still is). For that reason, it gets treated with the same level of seriousness you'd treat an important buying decision, like signing for a new car or a new house: this isn't something to just sign your life away for and figure out the details on later.
The problem is, as you probably can infer from our car example, when you let a buyer walk away they almost never walk back. Occasionally they do... but if you're counting on this as a part of your sales process, you're going to go out of business in a hurry. This is what happened to our reader, and this is why his girl -- who was ready to go the night before, with just a slightly different strategy -- changed her tune the next morning. She was ready to buy but walked away before she could -- and then she wasn't going to walk back.
If you're a used car dealer, you've got to do everything in your power to reassure and excite the car shoppers who visit your dealership as much as is humanly possible that yes, they want your cars. It helps a lot if you've got awesome cars on display that are awesome under the hood, too; but if you've got great salesmanship but poor cars, you'll just do okay, and if you've got great cars but poor salesmanship, you'll do even worse.
And so it is with women: you can't rely on just having great fundamentals or just having good close game.
You need both... or you're going to struggle with getting girls in bed 'til kingdom comes.
How to Get a Girl in Bed: 10 Crucial Tips
I've been selling a lot lately, in a couple of different businesses I'm involved in right now, after not having been a salesman in years. Some guys are natural closers; I'm not one of those guys. It takes me a while to warm up to a new product and get my process down. I need to flesh out my responses to common objections, get the lay of the land for why people usually walk away from sales, and figure out how I'm going to go about turning myself into a closing machine.
Anyway, as I'm figuring out how specifically to sell in some of the new industries I'm in, I'm going back over my previous sales experience and my experience with seduction as well and breaking down some of the things I've long done. And as I've distilled those lessons over the past week, I'm suddenly finding them instantly applicable to this article, and this reader's particular question.
So, I suppose, from that standpoint, his timing was good. Here then are what I consider some of the best tips on how to get a girl in bed -- combining things I've been practicing and preaching for years on how to overcome last minute resistance, along with a few recent realizations I've had about things I unconsciously adopted simply because they worked, but now that I'm consciously aware of them I can speak on them here too.
- Identify her needs. A good seller always gets to know the buyer's needs from the very beginning, so she knows that he knows what it is she most wants and needs. But it's not only finding out what she thinks she needs -- because the difference between a good salesman and a great salesman is that a great salesman identifies needs his buyer didn't even know she had.
You might start getting to know a girl and having her tell you about herself, and you find it's primarily superficial, surface-level stuff she's telling you. That's fine. If you ask her what her needs are right now, she'll tell you something about how she wants to be happy and free and have a good companion and things like that. Pretty standard stuff that most men and women would say in response to that question.
In other words, she has no idea what she needs.
It's your job to find out what she needs by inspiring her. You see, people are all pretty similar -- we all want to learn, be challenged, grow, feel encouraged, and spend time with someone interesting and engaging and confident and real. If you can tease out her real dreams and motivations early on in getting to know her via deep diving, you can get her consciously realizing needs she didn't realize she had.
- Meet her needs. The next step toward bedding a girl after identifying her needs, of course, is meeting them. No, not like that -- not yet, anyway. I mean showing her how you can meet her needs -- without expressly telling her.
This'd be like the difference between the used car dealer just throwing you in a decent sports car and asking you how you liked it afterwards, and the used car dealer priming you first by asking you if you'd like a car that handles really well, if you'd like a car that accelerates quickly, if you'd like a car that feels good under your fingertips and gives you a sense of control and a command over the road that's hard to match -- and then putting you in the sports car and saying, "Here's the one I've got that I think will most closely match what you're looking for." You'll start driving it, and you'll say to yourself, "Wow. This is exactly what I want!"
You should actively seek to personify in yourself the things that the people around you need. If one of your friends needs a rock to lean on because he's going through hard times, you're a rock. If your buddy needs someone to tell him he's being an idiot because he is, you tell him he's an idiot and to knock off the idiot thing he's doing. And if a girl you're with needs a sense of adventure, excitement, and freedom in her life, you do your darnedest to give her that in your conversation and interaction with her. For a bit of an idea on how to do that specifically, see "The Conversationalist."
- Move fast, move confidently, and lead her decisively. Just like a nervous real estate agent would freak you out about buying a house and scare you off, and a real estate agent who moved slowly, seemed unsure, and didn't close probably wouldn't end up with you signing any contracts, so it is with women -- the men who fail to move quickly and decisively rarely get them.
When you've got a girl you like, and you can tell she likes you, don't dawdle. Move things as fast as she can stand it -- keep things flowing ever forward, and don't hope for things to happen -- make them happen.
- Get buy-in: shoes off at the door. I got this one way back in the day from the guy I learned the most from early on... and man, is it good. Get used to having everyone who enters your home take their shoes off and leave them just inside the door. It sounds silly, but the buy-in you get from having a girl take an article of clothing -- even one as seemingly insignificant as her shoes -- off at your door is tremendous.
To her, it feels like she's committing to stay a while... she instantly feels more comfortable and casual... she's followed your lead, respected the rules of the house, and taken off something she was wearing... and to top it all off, your place stays cleaner. For simplicity and ease of implementation, having her take her shoes off at your door can't be beat.
- Kiss her within 10 minutes of getting home with her. Not just getting home, really, but getting anywhere you might possibly be able to get a girl in bed or even get intimate with her without a bed. Wherever you're going to get physical, this rule applies.
What about giving her time to relax? you might ask. Nah-uh. If she's nervous, it's because she's excited. If you give her time for her nervousness to wear off, that means she isn't excited anymore -- or maybe even has gone into auto-rejection -- and if you go for it then, it'll be too late and she'll feel uncomfortable and turn away or leave, more often than not.
What about if you're nervous? Same rule applies. There's nothing worse than putting off kissing a girl right away because you want to calm yourself down first. And then 30 minutes goes by. And then an hour. And then two hours. And you realize that, contrary to the, "I'll just wait until I calm down," theory, you're now even more nervous than before, and it feels like the moment has passed, on top of that.
Kiss girls within 10 minutes of getting them into your place alone, maximum. Try to shoot for 5 minutes max, or less. Almost every girl who'd kiss you after an hour would've kissed you within 5 minutes, but many girls who'd have kissed you 5 minutes into being alone with you won't kiss you an hour later when it's feeling awkward and weird. Don't miss the window -- kiss her within 5 to 10 minutes after making it back to your place.
- Keep your hands moving early on. As you begin escalating physically, your hands should be sliding slowly but steadily over her body. Don't leave them resting on her breast, buttocks, or thigh -- keep them moving. This is how you'll acclimate her to your hands touching all over her body and prime her for you touching her more heavily in just a moment.
- Start -- then pull back. Long ago, there was something in the seduction community people referred to as "push-pull," but when you'd ask for a definition of it it seemed you could never get a straight one. I don't think I ever quite figured out what push-pull was for at least a few years of being familiar with pick up.
But, eventually, figure it out I did.
You can push forward with things -- then suddenly pull back. This works amazingly well with all kinds of things girls think they aren't ready for you to do yet. It's the philosophy behind manhandle kisses -- give her a strong, manly peck on the lips, even if she pulls back or resists a bit, and then totally let her go and revert to just chilling for a few moments before resuming -- and it works with everything else in late-stage seduction, too.
You always want to give her room so that she feels and knows she can get up and leave any time if she wants to (that's when you pull completely back and stop touching her and be fully casual); somewhat ironically, you make her a lot more comfortable and excited about being with you when you make it clear to her (without saying so) that she can leave at any time. Very rarely will you ever have women who've come all the way back to your apartment with you actually get up and leave because you started getting physical -- unless, that is, you ever make them feel like they won't be able to leave. That's usually the only time they get up and go (if it ever starts feeling very awkward is the other).
Then, after a brief break, you resume. Then, you take another break. Then you resume again. And so on, until the two of you at last go to bed as lovers or she becomes certain that yes, this is definitely what she wants, and begins attacking you with as much certainty and ardor as you are her.
- Address objections simply without getting logical. Unlike with selling cars, you absolutely do not want to logically address a woman's concerns during a seduction. Why? Because logic sets off alarms to women that a man's being manipulative.
The quick and dirty rationale behind that is that it's very easy to lie, and so women are programmed to become cautious around men who might potentially be doing that. So, women respond far better to men who address their concerns with confidence and charm, which is much harder to fake than logic.
In response to, "This is too fast for me," you can smile and say, "I think the speed is just right. Or are you smiling for some other reason?" In response to, "I don't even know you!" you can get in close and whisper, "Yes you do. I'm me."
To a man, those might sound silly. But to a woman, who's trying to calm her sudden indecision at the point of the sale, some soothing words from the confident man she's about to become lovers with is often exactly what she needs to relax and open herself up to intimacy. Said slowly with a sexy voice and sexy smile, these will often be enough to completely disarm the women in your bed... and you may not even need to pull out the big guns -- steps 9 and 10.
- Use "bursts of passion." A tool that I discovered toward the end of last year was something I termed "bursts of passion;" basically, with a girl who's being resistant and not letting you proceed with a seduction (but still sticking around and obviously into you -- if she wasn't, she'd leave), you suddenly launch into an all-out BURST of passionate kissing, touching, stroking, and caressing, firmly and lustfully, as though you've suddenly been overcome and cannot control your desire for her.
This takes even the most level-headed women and melts them in the intense pleasure and arousal of the moment, and allows you to move things forward, if only momentarily before they regain control of their senses again. But, if you do this in conjunction with the next step, there's a very good chance you'll make a permanent gain in moving the seduction forward...
- Hit milestones. One of the weird things about psychology is the concept of "walls," and how, once you've climbed them, you've hit a milestone where suddenly the person who's wall's been climbed feels that things have changed. For instance, if you're trying to drive home drunk and I'm trying to stop you, the major wall we need to climb is for me to get your keys. Once your keys are in my hand, you're going to feel very strongly and absolutely that you've given into my desire for you to not drive drunk and you'll be a lot more likely to stop trying to drive yourself home than if I let you hang onto your keys and didn't take them.
In seduction, you should be aiming to climb walls and hit milestones throughout the course of a seduction. One of the first walls you climb in a pick up is getting a girl to move with you. Once she has, you've passed a milestone; she now feels committed to talking with you. Taking her home is another milestone. Kissing her is yet another.
Women have their walls at different heights for different milestones. For one woman, the first kiss is a BIG deal, and she'll fight like crazy to not kiss you even if you've gone on a number of dates with her. Once you make it past that wall though, and get the first kiss or two, everything else is a lot easier. For another woman, kissing is no big deal at all, and maybe even letting you take her shirt and bra off is no big deal, but if you go for her pants she freaks out. Once her pants are off though, it's game over. Occasionally you'll encounter women who are comfortable all the way up to being completely naked with you, but have a wall up about intimacy itself. And occasionally you'll encounter women with multiple big walls, and occasionally you'll encounter women with no walls at all.
When you combine bursts of passion with an objective of getting over walls and hitting milestones, you can use it to great effect. Say you have a girl who absolutely, positively will not let you take her shirt off. So, you relax for a moment... you let her unwind... and then you start kissing her again. Just a little bit at first -- but then, suddenly, you dial up the passion and all but attack her. She becomes passionate too, kissing you back with force and lust, and then, at the height of both of your passion, you tear off her shirt and toss it across the room (so she can't easily put it back on if she cools off).
She may continue being passionate at this point, or she may calm down and get logical again for a moment, but whichever happens, you'll have hit a milestone and made forward progress.
Rest, rinse, and repeat.
Now, don't overstep your bounds and go getting yourself charged with a crime or anything here... use this stuff within reason. But if you follow these steps, I guarantee you're going to be so incredibly good at opening up women who were previously closed off that they're going to be amazed at how it happened. And I bet you, had our reader coupled a few bursts of passion with a focus on climbing walls and hitting milestones, he would've gotten her panties off at some point (and hopefully thrown them behind a couch or a bookcase somewhere).
Passion at anything -- whether seduction or sales -- is a skill, and it's one it'll serve you extremely well to spend time in developing. Whether you're passionate about selling cars to car shoppers, or passionate about selling a night with you to a skeptical woman, you'll get a lot more closes and cut through last minute resistance a lot more easily if you can make your buyers as excited about the sale as you are.
So, aim to be known by women as a passionate lover. It's vitally important to throw yourself into lovemaking and give a woman an experience unlike any she's likely ever had before -- and that includes in the lead up before the sale. You should aim to be the most passionate, lustful, memorable experience of her life. And if you can do that, you'll know how to get a girl in bed like the best of them.
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