How Your Relationship with a Girl Changes After Sex
In the article on precedent, a reader asks for an article about what changes in a relationship following consummation of that relationship, saying:
“Also it would be great if you could delve more into the intricacies of relationship game. Particularly how it is different from the point up until consummation and how it changes. Much of what is taught is in the form of process and it would help a lot to understand relationship game in those same terms, which i'm sure is probably mostly the same but in different order or amounts etc. Keep up the great work!”
I think most people have an instinctive understanding that once a woman has submitted to a man in sex, her mood changes to him, either softening or (if she experiences sex regret) sometimes hardening. The biggest shift is in the biggest question about a man being answered for a woman: he shifts from an unknown quantity to a known one, and this is used to recast him along a number of different lines.
In today's article, we'll explore what the shifts women make in their attitudes towards men are after sex, and what those lines are that they recast men along.
A man and a woman never achieve complete comfort with each other if they haven't been intimate. Until the man has penetrated the woman in sexual intercourse, there's always at least a slight awareness of one's own curiosity, and of the other individual's likely curiosity too. There's also the unanswered question of, "What is this other person really like in bed?"
It's possible to get higher levels of comfort with female friends you've known for a long time, whether you've built up a large degree of sexual tension between one another or you're simply just platonic friends. Yet, even in those most comfortable of friendships, beneath the surface, those thoughts still linger... What if? And, does s/he ever wonder about this too?
Sex and Power Balances
Penetration changes the dynamic between man and woman; as we talked about in "Women and Drama", the commencement of sexual intimacy is one of the two key balance of power shifts in a relationship:
Prior to sex, the woman holds the power in the relationship
When sex occurs, the woman submits to the man, and the man gains power
With an honest pledge of complete fidelity, the man submits to the woman, and the woman regains power
There are things either side can do to lessen the power differential between the other individual and him or herself. Before intimacy, the man can rely on his fundamentals and game to get women chasing after him, putting him in something closer to equal footing, though usually still not quite on it, because he still must run things carefully and correctly in order to win the woman, still must be the aggressor in commencing sex most of the time, and must still break through women's resistance to it to get there.
After sex, the woman can retain her independence, continue to sleep with multiple lovers, and remain aloof regarding a relationship in hopes that the man will pursue her for this. Yet, she still must very carefully and smartly run her post-sex game to do a good job of luring the man into a fully committed relationship: she must play coy and aloof if he's the sort who likes to give chase, or nurturing and caring if he's rather in search of that.
Once a woman has persuaded a man to commit himself fully to her, and he has ceased all pursuit of other mating options, he must now convince her to not run off with one of the other men still pursuing her in a time of anger or boredom. He can do his best to appeal strong and un-needy, and to flirt with women in social situations, but with his options gone (he'd have to chase them, which he's pledged not to do) while hers remain (they are chasing her - little she can do about that), he is once again chasing.
Thus, for women,
The men they have had commit themselves to them in sexual relationships they also hold power over
The only men they do not hold power over are those men they have entered sexual relationships with who have not committed themselves fully to the woman
Examples of a man not fully committing himself, for instance, would include a man who simply refuses any form of commitment, or a man who pledges commitment verbally but who the woman suspects is not staying true to this pledge in reality. In both cases, the man remains in power, and the woman must continue pursuing the man to try to regain power over him.
Known vs. Unknown
Back to the power balance. While women hold the power over men they haven't slept with, and men who've committed to them, there's a big difference between these two: the difference of the known, and the unknown.
You can effectively break men down into three categories:
- Power over, and unknown (man she hasn't slept with)
- No power over, and known (her lover / uncommitted partner)
- Power over, and known (a man who's pledged fidelity)
Within each of these there are varying degrees, as well - e.g., a lover candidate she holds little power over, even prior to sex, and he seems a very large unknown; a platonic nice guy friend she holds a great deal of power over, and has little curiosity about the unknown aspects of sex with him because she expects they aren't very unknown and will be similar to all the other platonic nice guys out there.
But what are we talking about, known and unknown? Known and unknown what?
The essential questions a woman has about a man before sex work out to these:
- "Is he going to try to sleep with me? Does he want to?"
- "Is he going to make a move soon? Or put it off forever?"
- "Will he be masculine and aggressive, or unmasculine and timid?"
- "Will he take me to bed quickly, or is he going to drag things out?"
- "Is the sex going to be exciting and good, or boring and bad?"
- "How is he going to treat me after we sleep together? Will I like it?"
Once she's slept with you, all those questions are answered, and you become a known factor. Obviously, because there are so many questions built up around it, the first time you sleep with a girl is the most important. The next few times after that are also important, though not anywhere near as much as the first experience together, which sets the pace for a surprising amount of what is to follow.
One exception to all of this is women who've had many sexual partners. The more different partners a woman's been with, the better she is at intuiting what kind of a lover a man will make, and less novel any individual encounter turns out to be. Less anticipation (since she thinks she knows how it'll be anyway) and less novelty (whatever you do to her, she's likely had it done to her before) means a less emotionally impactful first time... unless you do something she hasn't seen before... all the more reason to make your first time sleeping with a girl exciting and memorable.
Early on into my seduction career, I was far more confident in my prowess with sex and relationships than picking up new women. This led to me frequently being around women who didn't seem especially interested in me and me thinking to myself, "If only I could just get her in bed... I would BLOW HER MIND and change the way she sees me completely."
This is something women must guard against though, because it's really not anything terribly difficult to change how a woman sees you by sleeping with her - in fact, she's almost guaranteed to change how she sees you in a big way after sex. Sex takes a woman's thought process about you - previously calculating and logical before - and clouds it with hormone-induced feeling and emotion. After sex, the average woman experiences a strong emotional reaction to you... either good, or bad.
It is in the midst of this emotional reaction - following you transitioning from "unknown" to "known", and filling in the blanks she'd had questions about before - that a woman recasts you, and determines how she's going to proceed with a relationship with you.
The Change After Sex
There are two key aspects to be mindful of that affect how you are recast by a woman:
- How dominant the seduction and sex was, and
- How well you treat her after the fact
Score well on both, and you get recast as an incredibly desirable man she must pursue at all costs. Score poorly on either, and you will not be quite so fortunate.
How Dominant Was the Seduction and Sex?
The dominance of the seduction includes things like:
How fast did you move with her?
How expertly and consistently (or not) did you hit escalation windows when she presented you with them?
How much total time did you spend in front of or interacting with her prior to intimacy? Did you get her when attraction was still hot, or toward the tail end of this, after attraction started expiring?
How smoothly and naturally did you handle the various social situations she witnessed you in prior to intimacy?
At any point did she come close to auto-rejection? If so, did you bring her back from this (big positive surge in emotions, and a feeling of "destiny" since things almost fell apart, but against all odds you ended up together)?
The dominance of the sex includes things like:
Did you go for what you wanted with her in a strong, assertive way (e.g., the manhandle kiss, or otherwise expeditious escalation)?
Did you break through last minute resistance, or did you not have to deal with this (either because she didn't give it to you, or because you tried with her on multiple separate times and she simply made it easy the last time)?
Did you give her great, hard, orgasmic sex?
The more of these you can check off an "I did well" or a "Yes" on, the better off you are in terms of being seen as a dominant man. Why do you want to be seen as a dominant man? Because dominance is one of the single most attractive traits in a man to women, right up there with sexiness. A man who's both dominant and sexy is every woman's dream hunk.
Even if she didn't view you as super dominant before sex, if you do well on these dominance indicators, a woman's view of you will dramatically shift after sex, because you acted dominant, and you got results. This is extremely important - all the other men she meets who act socially dominant but fail to sleep with her pale in comparison to the man who acts even less socially dominant but manages to check off everything in the seduction and sex dominance checklist.
A guy could behave like an effete gay man, but if he runs her through a dominant close process and successfully copulates with her, he seems more masculine to her than 20 macho men all trying to sleep with her but failing, because they attempted to mate with her but could not; he, however, did. Of course, this recasting process does not take place until after sex.
Only after intimacy does a woman's brain reassess how it views you
in light of recent events.
How Well You Treat Her After the Fact
Obviously, some women are more sensitive to this than others. Crazy women and cluster B women, for all their negative traits, are actually the most hyper-aware of even minute changes in your attitude toward them - whether that's cooler, or warmer. This is why crazy people flip out over seemingly trivial things... they're accustomed to trivial things being the tiny snow pebbles that roll downhill into gargantuan house-crushing monster snowballs.
Conversely, some women are completely oblivious to your post-coital tone. So, this factor varies in importance from woman to woman; some women, the dominance of the close vastly outweighs this in importance, while for other women, good treatment after intimacy is equally as important to prevent them slipping into auto-rejection-fueled sex regret and buyer's remorse.
There are several keys to treating women well after sex:
Behave the same after sex as you did before it: if you suddenly transform into someone else because now you've ejaculated and completed what you set out to do, most women are going to feel like they've been cheated - what came before was all a ruse so you could trick them into sex, and now that you've got it, the REAL you comes out... and that isn't the guy they decided to sleep with. To avoid making a woman feel like she's on the receiving end of the old switcheroo, make sure you're being the same with her after sex that you were before it.
It's fine to ask her to leave, but be nice about it: you don't need to let a woman spend the night if you don't want her to - and in fact, unless you really, really like her, I'd probably advise against it - but that doesn't mean you need to be a jerk about it. Give her a wind down period after sex to let the emotions cool off before you tell her you need to get up early tomorrow, and offer to call her a cab.
Ideally, go multiple rounds: having more than one round of sex is basically telling her, "I didn't just need to get off, and that's it - I'm legitimately attracted to you, you turn me on, and I want more than a single round with you." Obviously, the more times you have sex, and the longer you spend having it, the stronger the effect, but even if you can't muster a lot, going two quick rounds is much better than one.
If she stays over, get breakfast: preferably after some morning sex. Breakfast is a nice gesture that says, "I'm not in a hurry to kick you out / get out of here," reassuring her that you don't see her as a bad decision or aren't regretting having slept with her. Most women who are reasonably experienced with men have had guys run out on them who made them feel like they must look like harpies in the morning... it isn't a good feeling. Even if she's never had anyone do that to her before, you don't really want to be her first.
Send her a nice follow up text: I'd recommend waiting 3 to 5 hours after she's left your place, or early in the morning if she left at night prior to bed. This'll be right around the period where she's started to feel a little insecure about how you might've really felt about her (do you think she's a slut?) if she's the type to wonder... and many women are. Wait too much longer, and she may already be far into auto-rejection by the time you fire off that nice little "Had a great time last night! :)" text message.
The better a girl feels treated by you after sex, the more she's going to:
- Feel comfortable chasing after you for more sex and/or a relationship
- Feel good about talking to you / contacting you / seeing you
- Look back on the previous day's or night's activities fondly
- View you as someone attainable to her, whose value she can access
Even if she views you as an incredible dominant guy, because the seduction and consummation were so dominant, if she doesn't feel like you treated her well, your value as a mate becomes invisible to her. Then, instead of becoming enamored with you, she hates your guts.
Which can still be useful if you're good at turning things around - there are few things as hot as sex with a girl who actively despises you, but can't control her lust for you regardless. But you're walking a thin line... better to make sure she feels well-treated after sex, so that she can properly gauge your value and recast you in a favorable light.
One of the biggest changes after sex due to the recasting process is the comparison of the man a woman's just slept with vs. the other men in pursuit of her.
All men in pursuit of a woman who
haven't yet slept with her immediately lose power and attractiveness in
her eyes if she sleeps with someone else in the interim. So,
John, Jack, and James are all chasing after Mary Sue, and you sleep
with Mary Sue, even if she thought
those three men were all good, sexy candidates before, they all
immediately lose some of their appeal - after all, you were the one who
managed to close the deal; they did not. Likewise if you are pursuing a
girl and someone else sleeps with her - just as we discussed in "How to Get Girls: The Last Post You'll Ever
Need", in the tale of the two men pursuing the same girl.
Thus, sex changes not just your relationship with a girl you sleep with, but the dynamic she has with every other man interested in her. Those other men who were chasing after her go from men she may have been very excited about, to men she experiences precipitous drop offs in attraction for.
Men who remain uncommitted, but who have been recast in a good light
as dominant, sexy men with good attainability become perpetually
desired men by the women they've had, because those women have
submitted to them but never successfully regained the relationship control they
relinquished at the commencement of sexual intimacy. This is why women
with bad boy ex-boyfriends usually don't make
for the best long term relationship material, and it's why the
ex-girlfriends of yours whom you end things with never having granted,
offered, or chased after commitment with them nearly universally remain
available to you (after a cool off period), provided you haven't totally burned the bridge with them
at any point, of course: because you are now both known
Wrapping this article up, sex changes the dynamic significantly with a woman in the following key ways:
It moves you from an "unknown", with various unanswered questions to various degrees, to a "known" man whom she has accepted, submitted to, and approved of
It shifts the balance of power from her corner to your corner, at least until you decide to fully commit, assuming you ever do so
It runs you and every other male currently in pursuit of her through a recasting process, with the dominance of your close and your treatment of her after being the biggest factors in these recastings
If you want the most out of your relationships, make sure you close things out with women in dominant ways, and treat them well after the close. It's also preferable that you never fully, believably commit - that is, that you always leave at least some question in her mind whether she truly, genuinely "has" you or not... and ideally, she never even considers the fact that does.
And, as always, move fast, and don't delay - the more interaction you have with her prior to closing things out, the harder it will be, the less powerful the end result is, and the more likely she is to end up with someone else first... and recast you as the man who can't get it done.
Be that other man instead - and let her recast all those other guys chasing after her as the ones who can't get to sex, and you as the man who can.
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