How Your Relationship with a Girl Changes After Sex | Girls Chase

How Your Relationship with a Girl Changes After Sex

In the article on precedent, a reader asks for an article about what changes in a relationship following consummation of that relationship, saying:

Also it would be great if you could delve more into the intricacies of relationship game. Particularly how it is different from the point up until consummation and how it changes. Much of what is taught is in the form of process and it would help a lot to understand relationship game in those same terms, which i'm sure is probably mostly the same but in different order or amounts etc. Keep up the great work!

change after sex

I think most people have an instinctive understanding that once a woman has submitted to a man in sex, her mood changes to him, either softening or (if she experiences sex regret) sometimes hardening. The biggest shift is in the biggest question about a man being answered for a woman: he shifts from an unknown quantity to a known one, and this is used to recast him along a number of different lines.

In today's article, we'll explore what the shifts women make in their attitudes towards men are after sex, and what those lines are that they recast men along.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

GET CHASE’S MASTERY PACKAGE

Get Your FREE eBook on Texting Girls

how to text girls pdf

Sign up for our email insights series and get a copy of our popular ebook "How to Text Girls" FREE. Learn more ...

Related Articles from GirlsChase.com

Comments

Sam2's picture

Chase, this is another great article.

From personal experience I realized that cynical/damsel in distress types of women present you with more difficulty to get them in bed and try to delay the power shift that follows sex. I understood that this extra difficulty is attributed to their deeper desire to get the best of both worlds: the pre-feminist and the post-feminist; they want all the traditional protection/providership (e.g demands that you pay everything for her prior to sex), while also keeping themselves in control and call the shots (e.g they don't allow you to surprise them, they want to be fully included in the decision-making process etc).

While I know I don't want such women for a relationship and while I went to five other dates with five different women, I beat up myself because I didn't manage to close things with one very crafty/cynical girl who showed the inflexibility I am talking about above. In an article of yours somewhere you mention your own experience with such a girl.

Just in case I meet another one like that one, is there a way to get past the extra attitude/obstacles she presents to you and at least fuck her? (Before you vanish, that is)

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Sam-

Yeah - the solution is more or less "run tight game"; that is, have yourself completely out of boyfriend contention, build scarcity, and be sexy.

The problem with cynical women is that because they're up in arms, sensitive, and defensive, they take things as slights that are not... so if they start thinking you might make a good boyfriend candidate, or a good "just friends" supporter, if you realize this and course correct later, rather than adapting to the change and starting to chase like other women often will, these girls will just go straight into auto-rejection because they feel like you're rejecting giving them what they want because you don't feel you need them.

You might really say it's about being much more "simple" for them than most guys are, who present complicated stories and convoluted options to women. Make it easy for her to say, "I know who this guy is - he's the crazy lover who just gives out great sex and experiences and is impossible to rope down," and easy for her to say, "Okay yeah - I want this," or, "Oh no, not for me," and you stand the best chance of succeeding with the girls you'll succeed with while not wasting time on the ones you won't.

In any event, I'll note this one down for further exploration in its own article at some point.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

One of the girls I'm seeing is the cynical type. Bad divorce, bad no ex boyfriend after the divorce, she even said straight out she doesn't believe in love and told me she'd make a terrible girlfriend.

She invited me over for a second date and said straight out not to expect sex (due to logistics I would not have gone if I couldn't stay over) and I busted through the auto-reject because I was supposed to only be on the second date and I had agreed that I didn't expect sex as long as making out wasn't off the table.

Well she played coy for a while, I did the hugging from behind thing, grabbed her at points and threw her over my lap, made out with her and then come bed time which was an early bed time due to morning commitments, I started making out with her hard. I wasn't actually expecting the sex, she was just flipping super hot and I couldn't control myself.

Eventually she called me on it and said she thought that I wasn't expecting the sex. I just told her straight out that while I wasn't expecting it it was hers to refuse, and kept making out with her. She was giving me an amazing BJ within about 10 minutes and the rest was history.

These cynical women want to get laid and scare the weak guys off because they want to kowtow to their demands. (think the girl who goes on and on about waiting for sex until marriage and then ends up banging some guy only weeks later). They want to be wanted and they want to get laid just like any other girl.

It all comes down to your moves I think and as long as you are firm, consistent, yet gentle and not too forward (rubbing her crotch would be a bad idea, but putting her hand on your junk gets her thinking the right way) eventually they just give up and say screw this I'm going to get laid right now.

Too many guys I think just jump for the gold and those are the ones who get straight up auto-rejected and the whole "It was nice seeing you" then the text that "we don't have chemistry" later after they're gone. If she says no sex but making out is OK then make out with her forever. Eventually they can't help themselves.

I also am dating this church girl who when I was going for the gold after making out was all concerned that I just wanted a one night stand. I just told her flat out that I didn't want a one night stand and eventually banged her after the first date. I took the time and care to see her and promise no sex the second date and I held it to my word. That girl comes over 3-4 times a week and I haven't even had her try to resist my moves I have sex with her more often in a week than I had with my ex girlfriend in two months. Night time and then again in the morning every time.

The key I think is gentle, yet hot makout sessions without serious groping of sexual organs (crotch, breasts). You can turn them on pretty good by touching them on the sides, legs, thigh and the outside of the hips while kissing them the right way. Go straight for the breasts or crotch and they may push you away, at that point you're doomed because if you go back again they will pull away and stop the makeout session altogether.

Anonymous's picture

Chase your article made me think about something again... In the story of my life I had one totally weird situation I still cant figure this girl out. I met a girl 3 years ago throu our friend because she liked water sports like me. And by water sports I mean water sports. Unfortunately. We called each other first then set up a meet to go to the seaside together. She was totally my type I spent one day with her and got fascinated like crazy. In the evening though we came home cause we both worked the next day and we lived in two different cities in two different parts of the country.
I texted her the next day and she replied but I could sense she wasnt interested in a conversation. I never wanted to appear as a pushy needy guy so I gave her radio silence.
Long story short, she went with me two times more to the seaside over the period of two years. Yes I know Im a looser. Very rarely we emailed each other in the meantime and never talked about our relantionships with other people. On the beach she would sometimes flirt with me but in a moment grow cold. Chase I always know when girls want to sleep with me and they give me a green light so I can move. This one didn't. She grew cold aloof and the next day completely ignored me as if I was air.
I got angry the second time and I told her I was the beach and she acted as if she didn't care. I left and on my way I texted her that I only came over here her not the stupid surfing and that I really liked her. And she texted me afer a couple of hours that she had no idea and that I didn't show. Chase I think she saw and showed I don't know why she said that. But she didn't write anything about how she felt if she's interested or not. I decided to forget about her.
Two weeks later she emailed me 'hi photos from surfing' and enclosed some photos. I emailed back and told her such a pity she can't see my photo of us sitting talking and smiling. She emailed back asking if the two of us can meet to grab a beer.
I was over the moon. We met two weeks later and I bedded her. She told me it was gooood. She didn't want to go the second round though. I couldn't sleep all night but she did. Chase I told her she was my type and everything and she didn't say anything about me and I never asked. She asked me if she was my type only physically or generally in other aspects and then I didn't want be too easy and said that I don'know.
The next morning was cool, she was not cold but not all over me either. I asked if we can meet again and she said I don't know and she hugged me. She broke my heart.
When she was leaving she was silent and french kissed me goodbye.
I think she didn't want me to contact her and she didn't even want me to see her off to the station. She only emailed me 4 days later about unimportant things to cool things off. I replied to her email with a joke and hoped she'd pick it up and we would stay in touch and see each other but it never happened. She never replied.
It was 5 months ago. Since I met her 2011 until now I've been in 4 relationships I just could never get this one out of my mind.
Chase I read your articles and I know what cold means but she was too cold and for long not just an hour. And I know auto rejection but seemed to experienced for that. I don't know. Does it sound for you like she used me or I just totally screwed things up somewhere down the road?
Im trying to ferget her and I'm seeing other girls but deep inside me I keep thinking why she slipped out of my hands. Sorry for mistakes I'm writing from a mobile and keep missing the right keys...

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

It's hard to see exactly what happened since there's not a clear picture of the specifics you and her got into in the time you spent together. But assuming you really hit it off on Date #1, when you have an emotionally charged date with a lot of action in it, you'll experience buildup like what I discussed in the emotional cresting article, which creates a big escalation window. If you don't then act on that, the girl will auto-reject and go very cold. My guess would be that happened, and that's also why she didn't want to chat the next day.

When girls auto-reject you, sometimes they'll mellow out after a while and logically say to themselves, "Maybe I should give this guy another chance... who knows, maybe he'll be different," and meet up with you even while their emotions are still cool, just to see if you can change their minds and do things right the next time. It sounds like you showing her some emotion pushed her over the edge, which is why she then met up with you on the next date and slept with you.

After sex, it sounds like you got a bit too clingy ("You're my type"), and since she's a gal who's comfortable taking the initiative to set up meets, goes to bed in less-than-ideal / messy situations where the guy's run spotty game, and giving repeated second chances, it seems safe to intuit she's probably relatively experienced with men, and clinginess is a big red flag to her. You asking her if you can meet again is a big no-no... men chase sex, women chase relationships. If you're doing things right, you give her a night of earth-shattering sex, leave her warmly in the morning, and then leave her wondering if she's ever going to see you again until you ask her to meet up later. Depriving her of these emotions, and handing control of everything over to her by showing her way more affection than she's showed you and asking her to tell you if the two of you will meet again as though you're very eager for it to happen, takes a firehose to whatever attraction she might've felt, and completely douses it. Chances are that her emotions on leaving were something along the lines of, "Crap, I shouldn't have done that," or, "Well, THAT was a mess!" ... which is what you feel any time you sleep with someone you think will be laid back and casual who gets overly clingy.

In essence: sounds like she's a fun, laid back surfer girl, who likes to have fun; she wanted some casual sex from you, got miffed when she didn't get it, got intrigued when you put some emotion on the table, put out when you got together a final time, and then got turned off when you showed you weren't on the level. The girl never wants to be the calmest one there, unless she's 32+ and she's looking for a husband prospect she can easily control.

You will always get hung up on those girls you have a negative power differential with; the mind inherently wants to take control with people its feels have held control over it. That's why girlfriends who loved you more and could never tame you always chase after you after you break up, and why you can never forget about those girls you always cared for more than they cared for you, and whom you never quite had the upper hand with... or didn't end with it with.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

In that part at the begining where I wrote I was the beach I meant ' i told her I was leaving the beach'

Anonymous's picture

I met a girl in a club...manhandle kiss pulled her outside after 20 minutes...passed some LMR had sex with her in the park nearby and in her car and gave her multiple orgasms on multiple rounds...we've spend the new years eve apart met again with her went and had dominant sex with her and made her cum...left her at 5 am send her text (had a great time last night)-after gauging her desire for text by telling her "i usually don't like texts but girls told me in the past that i'm ignoring them cause i never text or call"- that's the situation...the purpose of the FWB relationship or a normal relationship would be to learn and gain more experience cause i need that especially in the Relationship department depending on how i'm framing it i can go either way i guess(if i want a FWB i should see her once a week i shouldn't introce her to all of my friends)...I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW SOME WAYS OF PUSHING THINGS IN THE DIRECTION THAT YOU WANT AND NOT BE TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS TO WHAT SHE WANTS for example if she says "she would like for us to go see a movie/club/introduce me to her friends/sleep over- how do you turn her proposal/offer down with ease ? and do you send her the "i had a great time last night" text the day after every night you have sex and if so could you give more examples of similar texts?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

No need to text an FWB after every encounter, no. The first few time or two is usually enough; you just want to circumscribe the innate female "first sex panic" moment, where she freaks out wondering if you liked her, if you think ill of her, if you're cackling maniacally about how you tricked that foolish girl into your bed, etc. Once she feels more comfortable with you (after sleeping with you a few times), she won't wonder this and needs no reassurance.

The easiest way to frame a friend with benefits relationship is just to start treating it like a friends with benefits relationship, and inviting her over once a week for sex, giving her a good time, and then having her head home. It's much less insulting than trying to tell her you're going to have a casual relationship with her, and far more effective.

As for requests to see movies / go to a club / meet her friends / etc... just always be tired or busy:

Her: [via text] Hey! Want to go see Super Loud Action Thriller at the cinema?

You: [hours later] Hey Cass. No movies for me; that surround sound will make you go deaf. Make sure you take your earplugs if you go, though ;)

or

Her: Going out with my girls on Friday night to Patty McO'Brien's do get wasted on Guinness! Are you coming??!!!

You: Hey, thanks for the invite. I'm totally not a Guinness man, but do have a bottle for me while you're there!

After enough attempts by her to get you out and you never being available for these sorts of activities, she'll quit trying. Worth noting that the girls who work harder to get you out to social events are also usually the first ones to fail out of a casual relationship... because casual isn't really what they're actually looking for (otherwise, they probably wouldn't be inviting you to so many social events).

Chase

andy's picture

hey chase! ...
how r u?
i read this article and i am confused and rather i must say hell confused.....
FOR THE FIRST TIME I GUESS THIS ARTICLE HAS GONE INTO MY HEAD TO BE SEEN AS A BOYFRIEND MATERIAL...
maybe i have perceived it wrong but i think that if you treat your girl like so of a cutieeee... she will definitely see you as a boyfriend which at any cost i guy like me does not want to fall in...
how come can i show her the way that i like her a lot like this way but not come off as a boyfriend material or someone to fall in a relationship
pls help me out because i think maybe i have cncluded this article of yours somewhat wrong...

thanks
andy

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Andy-

I understand the confusion. Two of the things on the list of how to treat women after sex are two of the things I've mentioned as helping to make sure she'll come back again later for more if you want to establish some form of ongoing relationship, casual or otherwise (sex multiple times / the morning after, and breakfast the next day).

That said, much of this comes down to tone. The biggest difference between giving a girl an incredible, memorable one-night stand that leaves her with warm memories for the rest of her life, and giving a girl an incredible, memorable night that leads into a casual or committed relationship, is mostly the tone of how you do things. If you're very warm with a girl (though still not needy or clingy), and if you don't deny efforts by her to talk about the two of you meeting up again in the future, she'll get the impression there's more to come, yeah. If you're very calm, laid back, and non-romantic - or even if you are romantic, but set the proper expectations, you can establish whatever form of relationship you want.

These are mostly just things that improve the experience for the girl. Optimally, you want a girl having a really good experience, whether you intend to see her again or not... even if not, she'll still tell her friends, and, heck, it's just good to do. Just make sure you're setting expectations that you're a busy man with a lot going on or that this has been an incredible night of two people coming together, even if it's only just this once, and you won't have problems with any girl with a remotely sane head on her shoulders.

Chase

jamjamjam's picture

Hey Chase,

I had a girl I met through Tinder, she lived quite close by (under 2km's) and we met for drinks. I slept with her within about 2 hrs of first meeting her, she put up a lot of resistance and seemed to really enjoy me being dominant and persisting. I was pretty turned on, didn't last as long as usual but not incredibly short, I mentioned this and she said it was fine, and didn't seem disappointed or anything.

She seemed like a really cool chick and I liked her more than I like most girls, so my vibe should have been good.

She left around 10pm, and I texted her about midday the next day to say I had a good time. I didn't hear back. Texted her late the following day, then twice since, it's been about 2 weeks. I never heard back, all my texts were friendly and cool, also fairly laid-back.

So after reading your article.. I don't have any clues as to what went wrong, I'm pretty sure the sex was at least very good if a little short in duration. I can only assume she had some regret about sleeping with me too quick.

So my question is, is there anything I could say to turn this around if I get in this situation again? And maybe I haven't shown enough warmth in my texts with this girl (I was still running it like we hadn't slept together), is there anything I can try to turn it around with her?

Thanks mate, once again a very timely article, much appreciated.

Nathan.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Nathan-

Hard to say without knowing more, but have you considered that she might just be a gal who likes hooking up with new people for fun? You'll meet these girls from time to time - they're in the "satisfied and done" category mentioned in the article on sex regret - and, basically, unless the experience is "blow their socks off good", they say to themselves, "Well, that was okay... not legendary, but okay... anyway, onto the next one!"

Sexually experienced women tend to have a higher bar for what's "good sex" and what they're willing to go see a guy again for. If she's had some great lovers before and the experience with you was only a little above average, and she views you as someone who's not going to be a boyfriend or provide any other non-sexual value, there's not much motivation to go back to you for a repeat unless she's super busy and doesn't have time to meet anyone else right now, or is otherwise constricted in her mating options. Usually though, experienced women have enough choice that they're fine holding out for a guy who can really rock their worlds, or a guy who provides some value in addition to sex that's only okay (if she's reassuring you it's "fine", that means in womanspeak "I'm not really satisfied, but hey, sometimes that happens to guys, I get it"; much better for you to hear something like, "Are you kidding? That was so hot and good!" or to hear nothing at all because she's just breathless and beaming).

My guess here from the sound of it wouldn't be that she regretted the sex, inasmuch as it didn't move the needle too much for her, and she doesn't feel especially motivated to meet you again. Temporary ego blow when this happens, but it's just notice from the world of womankind that it's time to step up your sex game and make sure you're leaving your customers very satisfied.

Chase

Gem's picture

Hey Chase

I had a question about something that I’ve been wondering about lately; it’s something that I’ve read about a fair bit I suppose and have been aware about but still do not completely understand/do not have a defined understanding or view on yet.

What I’ve been wondering is how does influence from others work (in detail)? How do you prevent getting influenced by others? And how do people often unconsciously get swayed by others.

You’ve mentioned Chase that you’re careful of who you choose to spend your time with (and I do the same) because your friends typically influence you (you are most like your 5 closest friends as they say). In addition to this I’m aware that everything we take in as people (media, music, literature, activities, social gatherings etc.) serves some impact in shaping us, brainwashing us. I have worked on this a fair bit by cutting off social media and TV, reading more, meeting new people and adding new reference points/perspectives/challenging ideas to my life all while maintaining a lot of my own time, observing where I’m being influenced, and deciding which influences I want to expose myself to and which influences I want to actively avoid. How much of it could be in a person’s control if they actively worked on it?
I’ve heard (and found that this works too to some degree) that if you can gain the ability to look at yourself objectively as an outside observer might, you can retain some objectivity and prevent yourself from being influenced from outside energies when you choose. Also here you should make sure that you do not become personally identified with anything so that your main reference point remains you and you get to choose to some degree what you are and aren’t influenced by.

I know that in college (to give an example) I’ve been part of a liberal alternative GE program where we don’t get tests or quizzes and instead get to write about our feelings. And I wrote a lengthy paper a few months ago defending feminism that my professor seemed to enjoy and gave me a high grade on.

I don’t feel cognitive dissonance here, and am always looking to add to my sources of information/new reference points. I make sure that I try to identify with myself and see everything else as external (the only thing we really can do, if that makes sense I guess but am curious as to whether I might be able to get unconsciously influenced here.

My question here then, to sum it up, is can you control to what degree you are influenced by exterior forces (whether you amplify it or try to prevent it); and branching off from this, can you look at the progress you’ve made with your experiences as an individual and discernibly observe how you’ve been influenced by outside forces (to what extent can you do this).

-Gem

P.S. Chase I had read your post last week about the job for proofreader for the site. I don’t usually proofread over my comments on the site I suppose haha (just type it up quickly once, look it over to make sure that I got all my points in and then send), but I feel I’m fairly quick and capable at proofreading. I sent Genaro an email last week; if you are still looking for someone to fill the position I’d be up for the job.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Gem-

Genaro forwarded along your note on proofreading, yeah; we actually had a surprisingly large-ish number of people write in, so I haven't sent out responses to most yet. We've had one guy who sounds like basically a perfect fit, so I'm likely to try him out first, but I'm still going through all the responses I've got and recording them to follow up with, because as experience has shown there's plenty of chance a given guy doesn't work out, and if the site continues to improve I'll likely need to add more people some point this year anyway. So - stay tuned on that one!

Re: influence, it's pervasive. You don't realize how much your thinking is influenced by everything around you until you start altering larger and larger amounts of your surrounding environment. If you ever observe how a baby forms its initial impressions of the world, it's pretty clear that you come into the world with a kind of, "WTF is going on HERE??!" state of mind, and it takes years of conditioning to figure out the appropriate way to interact with everything around you - e.g., not everything is good for eating; make sure you're careful you don't jump off the bed and slam onto the floor; etc. Those sound common sense, but only because you're used to living in a world that reinforces those conditions... if you're an infant that has yet to experience putting something nasty in your mouth or falling off something relatively high, these won't seem common sense to you at all, and if you live on an alien planet with low gravity and where everything is perfectly palatable, these won't seem common sense or even remotely correct, either.

Derek Sivers just shared a fascinating experience on the meaning of the word "quality" in different cultures, for instance: "Same word. Different places? Different meanings." What he found out was that the way an American thinks of "quality" compared to the way a Korean thinks of "quality" compared to the way a Chinese thinks of "quality" compared to the way a Japanese thinks of "quality" are all categorically different. But if you're from one of these cultures, well, of COURSE that's what "quality" means. If you don't understand that, you lack common sense and your thoughts are weird. How can you not know "quality"?

A great way to think about influence is that you're being influenced in all kinds of subtle ways like this that you're not even remotely aware of. You can be conscious of some of them, and court influences from a variety of different places, but the vast majority of influences on you that steer and direct your thinking you will simply never be aware of. Here's another one that's a head trip to read: "Visualisation and Cognition: Drawing Things Together, by Bruno Latour." If you're curious why the scientific revolution and the age of enlightenment came out of Europe, which was still mostly home to a bunch of uncivilized barbarians back when Asia and the Middle East were at the roaring forefront of mankind's progress, this one breaks it down, and it really comes down to how a culture of knowledge dissemination and increasingly accurate information arising out of the development of the printing press influenced the very way individuals in Western civilization thought, and the kinds of things they prioritized in life.

Borrowing a page from Latour, I'd suggest that the best way to corner things that are influencing you and exert some control over them is taking a little time each week to sit down, write them down, and become more aware of them. The things you find yourself both experiencing most emotionally, and that you'd be most aggrieved to lose or see seriously challenged emotionally, are the things that influence you most strongly. Morals are one example; way of life is another; these are things people defend quite vehemently, and tend to view theirs as "right" and "correct", even (especially?) when encountering cultures and individuals with very different beliefs. Case in point, look at colonialists' views of natives as "savages" in need of conversion to Christianity and development with modern Western tools and institutions.

So, I'd say, you are controlled by external forces to quite a large degree, BUT you have within your power to change the forces around you to some extent. Because you're not aware of 99% of the things influencing you, though, and you're helpless to fight things that you don't even know are affecting you, I think it's best to assume that everything around you is influencing you, all the time, in ways you can't possibly predict or intuit, and to be extremely careful about what your influences are, how positive they are, how they train you to think about and experience the world, and how diverse and varied they are. In any event, it sounds like you're actively seeking out a varied intellectual diet, so you're in a good place re: allowing as many different influences to influence you as possible, which gives you a bit more control... if still perhaps not as much as you might feel like you have.

On the other hand, there's also genetic determination, which plays a large role as well; there are plenty of twin studies where identical twins are raised in completely different environments, yet achieve sometimes strikingly similar lives in the end (similar lines of work, salaries, neighborhoods, families, etc.).

It might be fair then to say that external influences control you a great degree, BUT what you have inside drives you to seek out the proper influences to push you in the direction you want or need to go.

Chase

Troy's picture

Hey Chase,

I have a question regarding my life at home. I dont know if you can relate to my living circumstances at any point in your life but here is my story:

Im the oldest child in my family with both parents living with us and married.

I live with 2 brothers and 1 sister and both parents. Ever since i knew myself there has been a extreme disconnect between my entire family (especially my extended family members with everyone) and we dont get along very well and i dont feel welcome at home anytime at all.

Most of the time everyday, my parents are arguing and my siblings in some sort of war. whenever i see my other extended family members, there are always some war going on over other family members disrespecting them or fighting over property (land and buildings left behind by my great grand parents).

The summary: my environments and the people who i interact with on a daily basis create so much emotional and mental turmoil for me that i find it extremely difficult to improve my social skills, to study and get better school grades and do anything else with my life worthwhile.

Not only that, because of all the fights and arguments at my house i have a bad reputation in my community which makes it very difficult to improve my social skills. Im planning to move but my parents dont have anywhere to go because of financial issues and they have no where to send me on my own to live at the moment.

1) Im working on building attractive mindsets in a chaotic environment and its hard to keep up these mindsets when living with forces that continuously fight against the mindsets im trying to build attractive mindsets. how would i deal with this ?

2) Do you have any suggestions on what i could do to shut my mind off my external problems and focus on improving myself?

I hate complaining so im just asking on recommendations as what to do to improve my situation.

Thanks Chase!

Troy

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Troy-

That's tough. The only time I've been in a truly similar situation - where you basically have nowhere to escape to - was trapped in a failing business where a business partner was continually warring with another business partner or with me, or complaining to me about the other business partner, with me spending night and day in the office, trying to keep things from going under water. I did nothing during that period but work, and there was essentially no escape. Eventually, I ended up telling the bad apple partner off, and shutting down the business. Took me a few months to bounce back from that whole ordeal.

Best recommendation I have for you so long as you're stuck there is to find somewhere you can go during the day to be at peace, and have that as your reprieve. Could be somewhere out in nature; could be a basketball court you go play on; could be down by the ocean if you're near a beach. Pick a place you can get away to that no one can follow you, and go there regularly to collect yourself and recover from a draining environment - make it a daily or every-other-day thing. Don't tell anyone where you're going, either - if they ask, just tell them you need to go somewhere to escape from the fighting before it breaks you and you'll be back later.

You need breaks like this to collect your thoughts and de-stress. Without them, it's very difficult to learn anything new, and very difficult to remain focused in these types of environments.

Ultimately, as soon as you can, get out.

Chase

John Fornaro's picture

Troy's problems are huge, and I hope by now (Jan. 2016) he has solved them. Just wanted to thank Chase for a compassionate response.

Anonymous's picture

Hello, Mr. Amante.

I had a crush, confessed my feelings and then she turned me down with "we are great friends and I think friendship lasts longer". And I told her, I dont want to be her friend, I want to be with her and sleep with her and she seemed disappointed. My question is, how should I behave/see her as if I dont want to be a friend? Flirt with her? Be closed of? I run into her from time to time and I dont know how to behave. I met her on train last week after couple of months not seeing her and I was reading. And I was still frustrated in my heart so I kept reading, just said Hi, She asked me things, tried to get my attention and then I said, why does she want my attention so much? And she said that we just did not see each other for some time. I said I want to read. When we got out of train, I said I need to go to the subway to ATM so we parted our ways.

I dont want to be cold towards her. But my heart is telling me I should not give her anything. She turned me down and in quite hurtful way. Partly, I wish she wanted me and then confessed so I could turn her down too. But it seems cruel. But I dont know if I should be closed of, give her half-assed answers and just keep flirting or something. I just do not want her to think that I will be there for her anytime she shows up. I plan to just not text back on next thing she sends me and just ignore her. I know her for about 4 months and then we did not see each other for like 3. I understand I am friendzoned. I just dont want her to think of me as real friend that she can just call one day and cry, or just meet and feel good about herself just because I always try to make others feel good. I am not contacting her, I blocked her on social media so I dont see any of her updates. Yes, I would like to be with her, but because she hurt me inside I dont want her to think I will provide anything to her. I'd rather not see her ever again in my life than this. But when I randomly meet her, I dont know how to behave towards her.

Could you give me some advise?

Thank you and have a nice day.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

How you handled the situation, and your reaction in the train, are correct. If you've exhausted your practical options to get together with a girl, and she's clearly and unequivocally stated that she wants nothing with you sexually or romantically, there's no reason to maintain a relationship, unless you genuinely want her as a 100% platonic friend - which clearly you don't.

What's happening here is she's pushing you to maintain a relationship with her that is detrimental to you, but favorable to her. That's not friendly. If she genuinely cares about you as a human being, she'll understand this.

It sounds like she has been overall respectful of your wishes, and has stayed out of your life the past few months, so that's good. If you encounter her occasionally in social situations, trading a few pleasantries is fine, but don't go any deeper than that; she's not your friend, and you're not hers. You're two people who met, found out you couldn't achieve your objectives with one another, and parted ways, and that's fine. So, you can say hi; ask her how she is; tell her that's great; and get back to your book. If she pushes for more, just be a little sad and say, "Hey, you're an awesome person, but I'm not interested in being your platonic friend. Hope you understand."

Your time is best spent on women whose goals are aligned with yours - not women whose goals are in opposition to yours.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Thank you.
We have never seen each other on any social event. And I do not think she would spend any time with me, she would just do what you mentioned. Say hi, some how you doing stuff and two minutes later I would not exist. That is why I dont want to see her again. It is like playing second violin. Or third. Yes, she may be happy to see me, but it is dependant on situation because she put me in some box. And social event >>>>>> me. While me > noone to talk to in train. I understand her point on that but... She is just maximizing the value I am offering her, that is all. It is quite hard to realize how you as a person suck so much that you can have nice outing only with people you yourself find weird. All this relationships dynamic is very overwhelming to me nowadays. Also because I am friendly person it is hard for me to just let any kind of relationship, even these nowhere going ones, die. But truth is, I am not getting what I want from her and part of me really wishes I to never see her or hear anything about her again in my whole life.

F. Lance's picture

Hey Chase,

As always, a very clear and insightful article you got us here. I only have one question about the aftermath of having sex. Girls usually stay at my place whenever I bring them over (to have sex). I genuinely don't know how to tell them to leave. Do you have any good recommendations in terms of tone, reasons to give, and tips in general about how to do this?

Thanks!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

F-

Well, that's simple enough! After sex, and after you've finished the obligatory post-coital chill out / small talk period, get up, start getting dressed, and tell her, "Well, I'm glad we got to see each other tonight! I've got to boot you out now because I have an early morning tomorrow. What've you got planned for the rest of the week?"

If she asks you if she can't just stay, just tell her you sleep much worse with someone else in your bed - there's actually research showing this to be true (men sleep worse with women in bed with them, though they THINK they sleep better; women both think they sleep better with men in bed with them, and actually do).

Chase

youzaki's picture

Hey Chase,

This is really important to me. So the story is:
I met this girl last summer at the beach through my friends (she's the friend of a friend), we really got along and I started to feel there might be something between us. I stayed for 2 days there, then left without taking her number or anything.
Then, I saw her 5 months later, at a new year's party, I didn't let the chance go this time and finally made out with her at that party (that was at her house btw), after everyone left, we went in her room and we did our thing. We were like all over each other from 3 am till 9 am. It was so so obvious she likes me (touching my face, laughing, cuddling, playing with my bracelets). The next day, when we woke up at like 2 pm (in her bed), we made out for a while and talked for so long (she mentioned that I should hang out with her and stuff).
After we got up, I went back at my friend's place and I figured out that EVERYBODY knew what happened between us last night (obviously someone saw us kissing somewhere). I saw her the day after, we were with lots of friends and she was literally avoiding me. I waited for a while then asked what was wrong and she was like: " nothing, I'm just tired " , the i texted her later at night after I left, and she said that her reputation is screwed because everybody is talking about her and what happened, and she doesn't like at all how " words are spreading " and that she " regrets what happened " but " we're good and there's no problems between us "
I tried to text her 4 days after it , but she was acting cold in the conversation and ended it quickly, then i tried again the week after, but she received me with the same coldness.
I really like this girl but if I text her, I'll seem too desperate and the only friend in common we have left the country for university. I've been thinking about her for a long time and I really think I have a HUGE crush on her, and I'm pretty sure she likes me but something is stopping her.

Can you please give me some advices? Thanks, I really appreciate your work by the way..awesome. I really mean it.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Youzaki-

Sounds like she liked you as a potential friend with benefits, but doesn't see you as a boyfriend sort, and isn't comfortable openly having a friends with benefits relationship with you with your social circle all knowing about it.

Her response of "we're good and there's no problems between us" is very neutral and matter-of-fact; it's a, "Okay, I shouldn't have done that, but whatever, it's done, no sense worrying about it now," statement... not what you'd get from a girl who was pretty into you.

Some girls who hook up a lot will be very affectionate, simply because they enjoy being affectionate, without it necessarily meaning they're smitten with you in particular; when a girl's hosting parties at her house, that's usually an indication she likes being the center of attention, and if she's hooking up at her party, that's more or less a big, loud screaming sign.

My guess would be she viewed sleeping with you as a fun, enjoyable one-time thing, but it became public and got out of hand and she can tell you're pretty into you so she's blanking you until you and the attention both calm down. It's nothing personal to you - she just doesn't want to encourage you getting too attached or making things messier for her, is all.

If she was very into you, you could safely trust that she'd pair up with you in a relationship, and save herself a lot of social reputation drama - then everyone could say, "Oh, okay - she hooked up with him because they really like each other, and now they're dating." The fact that she doesn't take this easy 'out' makes it pretty clear she's not interested in a relationship - you're best off chalking this one up as a nice one-time fling, forgetting about this girl, and making sure that the next girl you sleep with whom you really like you give a rip-roaring sexual experience to that makes her want to come back for more again and again.

Chase

youzaki's picture

First, thank you for answering this.
You're totally right, your answer is really helping me understand. But there's one last thing I need to know. How should I act when I see her again? Should I flirt or be confident and show her I am not THAT into her. What is the impression I have to give in order to get her interest back?
How can I keep my chances alive without being distant or dependant? Knowing that in front of people, I'm the guy she hooked up with that she doesn't even know (but she does know me now after what happened)

Rbee's picture

What a great article Chase! Thorough and well written.
Thank you.

Mike's picture

Hey chase,
First I'm writing to say it's great to be able to get a knowledgable answer to what I'm feeling now and great posts!..:)
Need help on this one brother!.
Known this girl at work for couple years, but we ( well she) decided to take things to the fwb level. We have been together since November , now two things you should know.. 1- I'm 46 and she is 28 and 2- she is a single mom. She's very hot and we have a real intense connection to one another whenever we are together... So from nov to April things were very intense and amazing sex every week at least twice or three times a week.. Even that time of the month for her.... And every time we were together it was like the first time!.. Seriously hot and passionate for each other .. Great sexual connection as well a a mental Connection..

So she hear a rumour at work I was dating a younger woman.. That freaked her out( didn't want to loose her job or people to know) so we decide to cool things and decided things wouldn't work between us anyways.. Age thing, her child, her parents not understanding age thing?.. Etc.. Lots of excuses.
So we are still very close and has brought her daughter over bbq's and hang out once in awhile after all that.. Even introduced me to some of the family for quotes on work( I'm a renovations contractor).

Now she is cool and wants to be just friends at least but still have a crazy connection to each. Problem is the sex is o the charts with her! And same for her at least she says so anyways and I know she loves it.. Or she is one hell of an actress!..

She has totally cut sex off completely!!.. And I'm lost , how you can she just stop something so hot and great!.. It's been two months since we were last together... And I crave her everyday! And want her! Now I feel I'm in love with her and she just wants to be close friends .. And no sex or very little in the future!.. But it's really hard to control how I feel ... I want to still have sex when we can or she chooses .. 1- it's not enough for me here and there 2- I think of her constantly! And care for her daughter as well and would take the plunge to be with them.. But her resistance is like concrete.. And want to busy that wall down! And gain the control over again.. So I told her I was seeing and dating other woman and it upset her.. But is sad but sticking to her guns!.. Dam not sure if I should just walk away.. No friends anymore to stop the hurt!.. Or just take what I can when I can.. I just want more.

I am not clingy at all and we never talk about others and she says all she wants is a fwb .. And I think she feels I'm getting to attached to her so think that's why the sex is off cause she doesn't want hurt me maybe?
Anyways ... How can I gain leverage now? Make her chase me? Again? I am dominant with too with her very mildly at first and haven't had the chance now to really get dominant because she won't give in anymore.. And want one last shot to really be dominant and rock her world .. So how do I get her back in my bed???

Any help? Please...:)
Mike

coolkid's picture

well iv'e been seeing a girl for about 5 months now, and we liked each other at first sight. after a month her ex starts to tex her and she got attached and claim that she's not over him completely. but wanted us too take things slow, and be friends until she got him. i agreed, but we would get closed like kissing and touching, intense touching too. but every time i bring having a relationship talk she gets defensive and wants to ease off. i manage trice to convince her too stay and give it a try and it worked, the last time she sound as though she given up for good, she even went out with a guy that same time, and tex me early the next day even called when i did'nt reply to know if im mad at her. i manage to see her the next day and as soon as i showed up two minutes after the other came up too pick her up and i demanded that she come and let him pick
her up after. which of course happened. since she got in the vehicle with she starts kissing me and say stuff likes he wants me and she was sorry for to get rid of me but she is afraid too love again. so played kool and go with they flow, show some affection no jealousy, no steady call and Tex, she said they next day she wants too spend a night with me but no sex. i agreed. three days we book they room, watch a movie, i maid her strip for me kiss and foreplay, after intense romance she pop it out, "put the condom on". i smiled and say i didn't walk with any,. she couldn't believe, i did walk with it but i held it back and continue intense foreplay for 30 minutes. which enjoyed, we had breakfast they morning after and we when our separate homes. but she call the guy first they while we were there to pick her up later on in they. so played kool, while he was dropping her home she tex a few times. she still tex and refer to me as babe and say she miss me, but would i get a second chance to be dominant and get recast from unknown to known and hit this other guy out even though its not clear if will get another night with her. thanks in advance, nice work u got going on there.

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase,
I’m a 21-years old guy and here is the situation : I met a beautiful girl who was totally my thing. She has a lovely character, a nice smile and sparkling eyes. I dated her for one month. We had approximately one date per week. The dates we’re very nice. Most of the time she was pursuing me, which was great. After the fourth date, we ended up in her bedroom and had sex. After that, there was a turning-point.
After the that date (Friday), I was busy for the weekend and didn’t text her. I thought she would start to miss me and text me again. But that wasn’t the case. I didn’t hear from here for a week and a half, so eventually I decided to ask her out again by texting her. She replied 2 days later and came on with some lame excuses: ‘’oh, I’m busy this week so I can’t make it’ . So I just said: ‘Well, let me know when you are free to get together again’. 2 weeks have passed now and I still didn’t here from here…
I’m really wondering why her interest level suddenly dropped, because I had a feeling she really was into me. Did I waited too long to contact her after the sex? I often don’t know just how to behave after the first sex.
Can you give me your point of view on this?

Nabil's picture

Hey Chase,
First off , really liked what you wrote, it made perfect sense. However i have some questions of my own. I was engaged in a relationship with a married women, we had sex four times , each time it got better, and i believe we both become more attached to each other, after each sexual encounter. She said she loved me very fast , and i had asked if she was emotionally vulnerable or were her feelings sincere, and she claimed they were completely sincere,by the way this convo took place before we had sex , during this time period we talked for 135 hours on the phone and skype within the course of a month and a half , i m pretty confident the sex was good considering she always wanted more and each time got better after becoming more familiar with each others bodies , although one night after our last sexual encounter , i was drunk and i suspected she was sleeping with another, and i said some fuuuuuuucked up things that i wish i had never said( i know its a bit ironic that i would be pissed since she s married , but no its not you see we talked about marraige the whole nine yards , you get the pic.) , i thought she would never speak to me again , but she called me the next day and the day after that and so forth , up until one day we got into an argument , and once again i thought we were done but a couple mins later we were kissing, the next day she called and i didnt answer cause i needed to think about where is this going? And what exactly are we?
Three days passed and we didnt speak on the fourth day i saw her in an environment that we normally see each other in and i could tell she was craving my attention but i neglected to give it to her, the next day i initated communication and she responded in a way that i think she still may be into me , the normal routine is i contact her or viseversa and we talk for at least an hour but this timeshe cut it pretty short, but insisted we meet and hang out the following day. Im confused ,is she still into me sexually , emorionally or am i delusional, or worst am i being friendzoned , i know ,a lot of detail , but the more details the clearer the picture. What do you think? Is she stillinto me

Add new comment

The Latest from GirlsChase.com