How to Prevent Sex Regret from Women You Sleep With
Something that's been a hot topic on the discussion boards lately has been the subject of buyer's remorse and sex regret, and also more generally women just acting weird after sex happens fast.
As you push the boundaries of what you can achieve with women and seduction, you'll find your time-to-bed reduces rather dramatically, especially once you internalize the concepts of "move faster" and "always be moving forward." What happens as time-to-bed falls, however, is that women's perceptions of you change, and their response to sex with you changes, too.
Whereas had you previously only experienced sleeping with women you'd had prolonged courtships with, and had thus only been sleeping with the women who were most interested in you and with whom you'd already established a deep emotional bond, as you move faster and faster you'll sleep with more and more women who only had a passing interest in you, who didn't develop much of a bond with you, or who even might have slept with you on a whim, but regretted it later.
This introduces a whole lot of variability in the reactions, at least until you get certain things down.
In this article, I'm going to cover why you see everything from sex regret to vanishing women to women trying to regain their celibacy and, hence, sexual power with you after the fact, and how to deal with these various situations to make women feel better, happier, and more comfortable about having shared a wonderful night with you.
There are really only four (4) possible emotions a woman may experience after a night of passion with you, listed here in order of desirability:
- Satisfied, and anticipating seeing you again
- Satisfied, and not planning on seeing you again
- Disgusted with herself for having slept with you so fast (or at all)
- Disgusted with YOU for having "made" her sleep with you so fast (or at all)
Why a woman might feel one of these with you and not another is what we'll talk about in today's post.
She isn't necessarily tied to strictly one of these, either. She may
wake up in the morning feeling like emotional category #1 (satisfied
and anticipatory), but later auto-reject and regret sex if
you don't make her feel good fast enough and move into category #4
(disgusted with you).
Let's talk about what each of these emotions entails.
When She's Happy About Sex
Our two "happy about sex" categories are:
- Satisfied, and anticipating seeing you again
- Satisfied, and not planning on seeing you again
These can be further broken down into four subcategories:
- Satisfied, and REALLY excited about seeing you again
- Satisfied, and wants to see you again, but with you as a boyfriend
- Satisfied, and doesn't care too much if she sees you again, but is down
- Satisfied, but doesn't have any desire to see you again and will say "no" if asked
Obviously, these are all quite different. Here's how they break down:
Satisfied and excited: lends itself to whatever kind of relationship you want, but is most suited to a "whirlwind romance," where the two of you fall crazily in love and start spending night and day with each other. These happen most frequently with those love at first sight-type connections where you and a girl just hit it off magically well and when you sleep together it's fireworks. Women can also react this way when they're very inexperienced and not yet accustomed to dealing with the emotions that follow intimacy with a man they like.
Satisfied and "planning": this girl likes you, but the buildup and the actual sexual experience weren't enough to send her into emotional overdrive. In other words, whatever you made her feel, she can handle it, and she's probably felt it before. What she DOES want is you, as a boyfriend. This can either be because she wants this really bad... or because the sexual experience was just "okay", and her feeling is, "Well, I don't really want him as a lover, but he could be okay as a boyfriend."
Satisfied and open to suggestion: in this instance, the sex was enough for her, but again, not enough to send her into fits of ecstasy, and she doesn't have any strong desire to keep you around in a boyfriend capacity, either. She might be down for another roll in the hay though if you ask. She's generally more experienced and/or at a point in her life where relationships aren't that big of a concern to her (school or career is the higher priority).
Satisfied and done with you: this is the girl who's satisfied enough with the sex, or at least with the experience, but has no desire to see you again. She's almost certainly at least fairly sexually experienced, and you didn't rock her socks off enough that she wants to come back for a second helping, and she doesn't otherwise want you as a boyfriend, so it's onto the next one for her.
You can see a few common patterns throughout those four:
- How knee-knocking good the sex was (or not)
- How strongly she wants you as a boyfriend (or not)
- How experienced she is with men and sex (or not)
Before we look at some additional patterns though, let's take a look at the scenarios where she regrets sex and enters into buyer's remorse.
When She Regrets Sex
Our two "regret sex" categories are:
- Disgusted with herself for having slept with you so fast (or at all)
- Disgusted with YOU for having "made" her sleep with you so fast (or at all)
These too break down further into subcategories:
- Disgusted with herself because she thinks you're a no-good cad
- Disgusted with herself because she thinks she was too easy / a slut
- Disgusted with YOU because she thinks you tricked or manipulated her into sex
- Disgusted with YOU because she thinks you've made her act slutty
You can see that the reasons mirror each other, differing in whether she blames herself or she blames you, and differing in whether the problem is that you are bad or she did something bad.
Women who are inexperienced are prone to feelings of regret when
the men they sleep with do not properly handle their emotions,
expectations, and sexual experience.
Women who are sexually experienced and have made their peace with this do not get sex regret (unless you are bloody terrible to them after sex... and even then, probably they still just chalk that up to picking the wrong guy, and forget about it).
However, women with high partner counts who haven't made their peace with said partner counts can self-destruct mentally after yet another bout of fast sex. These women are often the WORST about this. They tend to be crazy in their own right - that's why they can't accept their own behavior and can't reconcile their actions (lots of sex with lots of men) with what society expects of them (chaste, pure, virginal saints) - and they end up blaming you to alleviate their own emotional pain.
The more emotionally healthy a woman is, the more likely she is to be disgusted with herself, rather than you, if she's disgusted at all, and the more likely it is that she's disgusted because she thinks she acted too slutty and easy than because you are an evil cad or manipulator.
Emotionally unhealthy women with low self-esteem will place the blame for their bad feelings on you, as a means of relieving their internal strife and avoiding having to examine their own actions. In extreme cases, this can lead to them making false rape accusations, or attacking you verbally and spreading rumors or lies, especially if there is a social consequence or risk to the woman for the sex or if she has a partner who finds out about it.
Here's how each of these subcategories breaks down:
Disgusted with herself because you're a cad: here, she feels bad for not realizing earlier that you are a dirty, no-good cad and not the kind of man she should be sharing her body with. She wonders how she could have been so blind. This is most common when she was originally satisfied and excited, but became disillusioned when you didn't seem nearly as into her, didn't follow up to contact her after she'd left your place to go to work or go home, etc.
Disgusted with herself because she's too slutty: in this scenario, she regrets having slept with you because she was already worried that she's too casual about sex, and her tryst with you has only served as another reminder and more evidence in the case that she is a "slut." She's somewhat sexually experienced, and pretty mentally healthy, but hasn't made her peace with her sexuality yet, and in this case you weren't really the kind of guy she's all that excited about seeing again in any context. The sex may have been good, or it may have been bad; that's not the main thing here. The main thing is how she feels about her behavior with a man she likely won't repeat with, or doesn't want to.
Disgusted with YOU because you're a liar and a manipulator: these girls are buckets full of drama, and you'll sometimes end up sorry you ever met them. Rather than accept responsibility for their own actions, they have a strong emotional need to push off any bad feelings they have onto you as your fault, in order to maintain the victim mentality they use to try to coax other men to white knight for them and "save" them. This kind of woman will feel disgusted with you and brand you a liar and manipulator when she thought she could rope you into a longer-term sexual or romantic relationship (sometimes because you misled her, hopefully by accident and not on purpose, maybe because you were operating in scarcity and afraid she would not sleep with you if you let on your "true intentions", though non-crazy women can usually pick these up whether you want them to or not; but other times it's in spite of mountains of efforts by you to set expectations properly so as not to hurt her, but she's just crazy and is trying to make the world bend to her rather than her bend to it), then realized after sex that she would not be able to.
Disgusted with YOU because you made her act slutty / pushed her to sex: this girl thinks you made her do something she did not want to do. I've known some REALLY pushy guys, but I've yet to be convinced that a man can completely push a woman to accompany him, come along with him, spend time with him, go somewhere alone with him, kiss him, take her clothes off for him, and have sex with him wholly against her will. Just haven't seen it or heard of it. However, if you push too hard, you can lead a woman into ego depletion, where her decision-making abilities deteriorate and she starts to do things she ordinarily might not. Some of the time when you get disgusted blaming from women, this is why, and that's also why I strongly recommend you be very careful about NOT ego depleting women, so that you are not being a bad influence or causing them to regret sex with you. However again, when someone REALLY doesn't want to do something, you're not going to be able to talk her into it... these are always "on the fence"-type cases where she wasn't sure if she should say "yes" or "no."
And sometimes when a woman is disgusted with you and blaming you for making her "do" something, she's just completely off her rocker and no matter how hard you go back and review the seduction you won't be able to find anything that might make her think this... she may even have pursued you.
The trends here are:
- She regrets sex with you because you didn't treat her right after
- She regrets sex with you because she feels ashamed of her actions
- She regrets sex with you because she's crazy and you didn't do what she wanted you to so it's your fault
Now let's have a look at all the major patterns, and what you need to do differently to avoid negative reactions and cultivate positive ones.
You want women happy about sleeping with you, not disgusted, obviously.
And that's for a variety of reasons:
It'll make her feel good and make her life better
You'll get to have a clear conscience and feel good about yourself
You'll gain more confidence for future seductions, knowing that you are a positive force of goodness and satisfaction and sexual pleasure entering into women's lives
You'll be far more likely to see this particular girl again if you want that
She'll be likely to tell her friends about you, giving you large doses of preselection, and helping you sleep with said friends should you want that
You'll avoid having her throw you under the bus socially, avoid worst-case-scenario false rape revenge accusations, and dodge any other potential "woman scorned" efforts to exact crazy woman vengeance upon you
Basically, it's good for women to think well of you and enjoy their experiences with you.
As a seducer, this should be your top priority with women: always be putting smiles on women's faces, and bounces in their steps.
Agendas, Expectations, Society, and More
Sex is a
complicated thing for women. Women often have to cover
up their pasts around men (and other women) to avoid being
judged and having their social status and mating
prospects dry up. Get labeled a "slut", and suddenly life gets a lot
harder for you.
At the same time, women love sex. They probably love it more than men do (good sex, anyway). They're less inclined toward monogamy than men are, and are every bit as excited about sex with strangers as men are, too.
There's this natural tug-of-war going on between women's natural inclinations towards sex, and their socially-imposed reservations about it, knowing as they do that to much word getting around that they aren't models of chastity may well lead to their abilities to land quality boyfriends falling through the floor.
There's another thing that impacts how women feels about sex too: how they feel about you.
If a woman sees you as nothing more than a throwaway lover, that's going to color her thoughts about you and your intimacy together one way post-romp.
If she sees you as a potential boyfriend or husband, though, that's going to color her perception an entirely different way.
Therefore, the things coloring how women feel about you and their fling with you after all is said and done come down to these factors:
Agenda. What was her agenda for you? Did she want you as nothing more than a one-night stand? Or did she want you to be her new boyfriend? Or, conversely, did she not have an agenda? If she did have one, expect it to influence how she feels about you after, depending on how closely you seem to be hewing to what she wanted you to do.
Expectations. What expectations did you set for her prior to intimacy? Were you wining and dining her, behaving elegantly, and treating her like Prince Charming? Or were you crass and boorish and poorly suited to anything but a forgettable one-time fling? The more closely your actions after sex match the expectations you set prior to sex, the less sex regret she's likely to experience, because she'll get what she paid for.
Society. How plugged into the social matrix is she, and how conservative (or not) is her background? Sleeping quickly with an inexperienced girl from a conservative part of your country is obviously going to lead to very different reactions post-intimacy than sleeping quickly with an experienced girl from a liberal part of your country will.
Performance. How good were you in bed? Did you make her orgasm hard? Or was the sex just mediocre for her? Were you focused on giving her a great time... or were you just getting your rocks off, and to hell with her experience? Women think a lot more favorably of the men who give them scream-her-lungs-out-good times in bed than the men who give them a few minutes of thrusting and then roll over and fall asleep. Also, did you go multiple rounds with her, and again in the morning? The more sex you have with her, and the longer the stretch of time you have it with her over, the more sold on you as an amazing man she likes and admires she'll be. The shorter the time it takes and the fewer the number of rounds you go, the less fond of you she'll be.
Power. How powerful does she feel you are compared to her? Your power relative to her will strongly color her perception of you and the sex. If you seem weak relative to her (e.g., if you prematurely ejaculate, or are awkward and clearly inexperienced), she's not going to hold it against you, but she's not going to be satisfied, either. Conversely, if she views you as clearly the one in charge in the bedroom, her reaction to you will be polarized, based on the other factors in this list: either she's going to think well of you, or she's going to detest you.
Treatment. Did you treat her well and normal and with zero change from before sex, like what we talked about in the article on how to start a relationship? Or were you weird and awkward, or angry and terse, or did you give her the boot out onto the cold pavement as soon as you were done with her, like she was some kind of sex doll you used and tossed aside when finished? Did you follow up after she left with a warm text letting her know you enjoyed her and hope she's feeling good, or did you forget all about her and leave her feeling like she was nothing to you? Women want you to make them feel special; doing so means smiles, and not doing so means frowns.
Other considerations. What else is going on in her life? Does she have a boyfriend or husband? Does she blame him for driving her into the arms of another man, or does she blame herself for straying from him, or does she blame you for making her stray? Or is she fine with her actions and isn't blaming anybody, and just saying, "Well, that's life"? Is she crazy (like, literally; does she have extreme personality disorders, or some kind of mental illness)? Did she get "caught" hooking up again and has to go on the attack against you to defend her reputation?
All these things are the major factors that will swing a woman to be satisfied with you after sex, or to regret sex with you after.
I'd rank them in this order of importance:
- Your power relative to her
- Your treatment of her after sex
- Your sexual performance
- Her other considerations (boyfriend, crazy, etc.)
- Her expectations of you
- Her social background
- Her agenda with you
That is to say:
If she sees you as weak and inexperienced, nothing else matters, and she'll write the experience off as her being silly for not having realized you were weak and inexperienced
Assuming she sees you as in-charge in the bedroom, your treatment of her after sex is the most powerful factor: did you treat her well and make her feel GREAT, or not?
Next in line is your sexual performance: did you give her scads of orgasm, passionate lovemaking all over the apartment, and multiple rounds at night and the next day... or not?
After this, it's whether she has another relationship that colors her perception, whether she's batty, or whether some other outside factor is jostling for importance in her interpretation of her experience with you
Following this are her expectations of you: how did she think things would go with you, and how closely to that did they hew? Did you meet expectations, exceed expectations, or fall far short of who she thought you were and what she thought you'd do?
Her social background factors in next - is she conservative and inexperienced, or liberal and experienced, or somewhere in between?
Finally is her agenda: what does she want with you?
Assuming you do all of these "okay," you'll go down the list and whatever her agenda was with you is what you will end up doing.
Assuming you do all of these GREAT, you'll go down the list and whatever it is you want with her is most likely what you'll get.
And of course, do things poorly, and she's going to react negatively
however she's predisposed to react negatively, in conjunction with
wherever your most glaring mistakes were.
Notice the difference there? It's:
Do a poor job, and she will react negatively depending on her predispositions and where you messed up
Do a middling job, and she'll follow whatever agenda she initially had planned for you (or, if she had no agenda, she'll either be open to seeing you again or not open to seeing you again, based on which side of the exciting-disappointing side of the needle her experience with you fell on)
Do a GREAT job, and she'll do whatever you want
Her response is in your hands... but you must give her what she wants.
The "Feel" of All This
I have a confession to make.
I've never really had a problem having women come back for more, and in whatever capacity I want them in.
I'm very good at getting what I want... and I think a big part of that is because I make it my top priority to give women what they want.
I'm a big believer in "you get what you give." Give her the experience of a lifetime, and she will be back for more... because there's nowhere else she can get that.
Most men suck at this.
I can't tell you how many guys I've talked to about giving women good sex, and had them tell me, "Actually, I kinda just focus on having sex long enough to finish myself. If you're only just hooking up with her, who cares about doing all that extra work?"
And while that argument proposes to only be about flings and one-night stands, I notice these same guys have trouble hanging onto women in relationships, and keeping them happy. You get what you train for.
I see other men who say things like, "I'd really LIKE to give women
great experiences, but I don't really know what they WANT!" If you fall
into this camp, just see the list of factors above.
Fact is, if you're not focusing on maximizing the experiences of the women you sleep with, even just casually, you're not going to do so hot a job with the women you sleep with whom you want to see more of later.
Also, I've noticed that a lot of men aren't really sure what capacity they want a girl in when they first sleep with her. They kind of like her, they maybe want to see her again, they don't really know... so they just follow their usual routine that isn't all about giving her a mind-blowing experience, and then are disappointed when they decide they want to see her again later but she doesn't want to see them.
Focus on the girl. Make giving her an amazing experience the name of the game.
That's what deep diving is - it's building a great connection. That's what chase framing is - it's getting her laughing, getting her excited, and getting her relieved to FINALLY be with a man who can deal with sexuality with her in a way that isn't awkward or creepy.
It's why you move fast and hit escalation windows so you don't leave women hanging, wondering what happened, what they did wrong, why you didn't want them.
It's why there is so much focus on this website about not just doing things technically correct, but understanding the psychology behind it, what women think and feel, and why they think and feel the things that they feel. Because you can't give a woman what she wants if you don't know what she wants, and most men don't really seem to be able to think like a woman, for some reason (then again, most women don't really seem to be able to think like a man, either).
I think the main barrier to men and women understanding one another is self-delusion. People want to imagine that what the opposite sex REALLY wants is [fill in the blank Disney fairytale].
When that isn't true at all.
It's like convincing yourself that cars run on pixie dust, and getting upset and enraged when your car stops working because it ran out of gas. You keep throwing bags of pixie dust at it and it keeps sitting there like a dead lump of metal, plastic, and rubber. "Run, car! Run, damn it! Why won't you run, you dumb thing?!"
Set aside any idealistic notions of what women want, and accept what they really want:
- Great, satisfying, passionate sex
- Great, rewarding emotions
- Zero blame or bad feelings
- To feel like they are special to you and you genuinely dig them
... and all this from a powerful, dominant man whom they admire and respect.
Give them that, and they will keep coming back for more so long as you're willing to provide it to them.
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