How Your Lifestyle Colors Your Perception of Relationships | Girls Chase

How Your Lifestyle Colors Your Perception of Relationships

Growing up, I was shown again and again in film, books, and television that there was precisely one (1) path a man could follow with women, romantically-speaking: date a few people, find the right girl, and settle down.

perception of relationships

This never sat entirely right with me, because while I enjoyed the idea of pairing up intensely with some amazing woman, my tastes also changed enough that I also enjoyed fantasizing about pairing up with lots of different amazing women. Not all at once (what a headache!), but mostly more or less one after another. Maybe having children with the different various amazing women along the way. Even while fixated on that one special girl, I could never imagine more than a year or two out into a relationship with her... sort of like most Hollywood films. The movie in my head always ended after the exciting part.

When I discovered the seduction community, I found two more beliefs about how relationships could go, coexisting rather uncomfortably side-by-side with that first. Plenty of men learning how to get girls still aimed for a settled life with one girl they’d commit to more or less forever; some of them because of a lack of abundance mentality, but many of them because that was just what they really wanted, and the cultural narrative gelled with their own intrinsic desires.

Those other two views on relationships are the ones I want to discuss today. I won’t go much into the conventional mainstream view of relationships – you already know that one plenty well enough (and, for the record, I think it’s a perfectly fine and doable path for those who want it), so instead, I want to talk about the other two:

  1. The “Committed Relationships are Bad for Men” View, and
  2. The “Committed Relationships are Playgrounds for Men” View

... and I’ll also talk about where both of these views come from, and how and why your lifestyle radically colors your perception of relationships.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Comments

Gonzaleth's picture

Great article as usual Chase!

Just curious and a little off tangent here, you mentioned your mentors a couple of times in several articles, but never really go very deep about your history with them. Don't mean to probe, but it will be great if you can share your experience with us? (only if you are comfortable with it!) Who are they? What happened to them? Are they still in the community?

Thanks a million!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Gonzaleth-

Most of my mentors were men who were naturally good with women, and not active in the seduction community, or took only a passing interest in it. The one from the community whom I spent the most time with personally and learned from the most from the start of my seduction career and for a number of years later was Sebastian Drake, who ran theApproach and Master the Vibe. He's been out of the community since 2009 but still picking up in droves, same as ever. I learned a good bit from Vin DiCarlo, Sebastian's partner at theApproach, during 2006 as well, though Vin and Sebastian parted ways in 2007 and I haven't heard from Vin in years. He's still in business and doing quite well (as I hear it, he now has either the largest or the second largest presence in the space, after perhaps only David DeAngelo).

Chase

robertnyc's picture

Chase - this is a very insightful article. This gels with my own experience too.

My question is since club and bar girls also shop and go to coffee shops, etc. during the day won't you be meeting a substantial percentage of those types of women through day game? How do you screen out the club and bar girls when you daygame?

cwongucd's picture

Hey Robertnyc,

The answer of your answer is actually pretty simple. I might be able to help. I have been reading a lot of Chase's articles and bought his book to learn his techniques so let me try. Chase, if I am wrong, correct me once u notice this post.

I usually do this. Here is your solution to identify club/bar gals:
1) Use Deep Dive
http://www.girlschase.com/content/secrets-getting-girls-art-deep-dive

2) Use statements instead of questions, this can prevent yourself sounds interrogating. Example:

*******[If she DOESN'T club]
Robertnyc: Jenny, I minor in Psychology back in college so I can tell u are an energetic and fun loving gal. You must have lighten up the entire club whenever u go clubbing.

Jenny: What! Oh no, I don't go clubbing. In my freetime, I just stay at home & watch love drama series.

Robert: Really! I got it wrong then, what else u do for fun besides watching love dramas &TV?

Jenny: National Park, museum, ballet etc.

********[If she Club]:
Rob: Jenny, I minor in Psychology back in college so I can tell u are an energetic and fun loving gal. You must have lighten up the entire club whenever u go clubbing.

Jenny: [laugh~]Thank you! I usually go with my gfs whenever we have freetime. But actually, most of the time my gfs were the ones who drag me there, I only do it once in a while. <----- [Now u know she at least do clubbing, u wanna know does she do it regularly with a pattern like once a month or no pattern such as ONCE per yr or ONCE per 2 years because for real her gf really were the ones who drag her to clubs (which is more tolerable) ]

Rob: OMG! BORING!!! You just go there once in a while? If you don't at least go to bar or clubs, you are just a boring bookworm/workaholic with no life. Should I leave now?

Jenny: [laugh~]Actually, I go with my gf once a month? why? Do u go clubbing often?

And then reward her by using qualifications, DIG AS MUCH INFO AS POSSIBLE. One of my female friends even share stories with me that one time at club, a Black dude was hitting on her & another time she was ditching MANY guys who bought her drinks etc.

In addition, she also told me that "If the guy who buy her drink is cute: such as tall+six packs+social, she might stay longer". In other word (To decode what she said), the drink is NOT the factor to keep her there. It's the guy's CUTENESS that makes her stay. Buying drinks to girls at club DOES NOT increase your social status. Buying her a drink is a sunk cost, if u are not cute, she will only ditch u after she get your drink.

C. Wong

Author
Chase Amante's picture

That's pretty much it, C. Wong. You can be more subtle even than that - e.g., "How do you spend your downtime?" [she answers] "Yeah, there's lots to do here - good restaurants, the beach, and it's a pretty fun party town with a good nightlife scene."

When you end that way, most girls will weigh in with their opinion: "Oh, I've never been to a club!" or "Yeah, the nightlife here is GREAT," or, "Oh, I used to go clubbing, but I'm too old for that now," <-- retired club girl.

As you get to know her and talk about what she does and how she enjoys her spare time and what her friends do and what she does with them, you get a pretty good picture of her extracurricular activities.

If you're still not sure, you can always tell her some of your friends are going to be partying at XYZ club, and does she want to come? Then just monitor her reaction (girls who don't club will usually get uncomfortable if they like you, because they don't want to turn you down, but they don't want to go clubbing, either). If you don't have friends going clubbing, you can always just cancel the invitation later if she says yes (text her a few days later that your friends aren't going to hit the club, but you and her can still [fill in the blank] activity).

Chase

wilson's picture

One of the things most guys don't get is that night game is just for fun and nothing more should be pursued from it....

I enjoy quality women as well so I stay far away from online/club/bar dating.

A few weeks ago before I moved this girl was setting up a buddy of mine with one of her friends.... he didn't understand women at all and game so I summed up to him your article with one sentence.

If a quality girl is dating you and she knows you have options, she will not cheat.

Your post essentially validates this and even the 2 girls sitting next to him agreed with it

jack's picture

Chase,

Could you write on how you structure your mLTRs. I'm assuming that is what you mean whey you say that the girls are exclusive to you but you are not exclusive to them. I'm also guessing that the lifespan of those relationships is limited; i.e. I can't see those relationships lasting indefinitely.

Also, it sounds as if you are only considering women less than 25 when saying that on-line daters make for bad girlfriends. When women get older, they frequent clubs and bars less (often they give them up entirely) and they are more interested in sex in the context of long term relationships; i.e. they are less interested in casual or non-committed sex. The latter type of sex is why guys can game so successfully and have the Poly set-ups. When women are in their 30s, their entire sexual temperament changes. But I realize that this site is largely targeted at younger men who are interested in younger women. But it has been my experience that women over 26 or so are fine for girlfriends when you meet them on-line. Once you get women out of the nightclub scene, they become more normal.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Jack-

I noted your request on multiple long-term relationships here in the article on friends with benefits. Length-wise, they're the same as a typical long-term relationship; that is, if you run things right, they'll last about as long, but you encounter the same problems you do with a monogamous long-term relationship, like the 2 year drop.

My relationship age-range is about 25 to 28 these days; which is an age range I usually recommend guys steer clear of dating, since girls between 26 and 30 or so tend to have lots of baggage issues, but when you find the girls who've had nothing but good relationships before (or just very little experience with men in general), 25 to 28 is a pretty good sweet spot for maturity + youth. I've dated women in their 30s before, but the older I've gotten, the more firmly I've blacklisted women over 30 from my list; they do "normalize" quite a bit once partying is largely out of their systems, but I find that most of the women who are still single in their 30s have things about them that have kept them single that long that can make them less stellar relationship material, and they also engage in more power games than younger women do, which for me is just bothersome and not worth dealing with compared with what you get for it. Certainly if you're comparing a 25-year-old club girl and a 32-year-old former club girl, though, the latter makes better relationship material than the former, if somewhat faded in terms of her beauty. For me personally, all girls who party now or have partied in the past are out of the running when it comes to me keeping a girl around... whether she still does it or did it before but hung up her spurs doesn't make much difference to me; once a partier, always a partier, even if on hiatus.

Chase

African boyo's picture

The one sided monogamy relationship intrigues me. Is it something thats sustainable or does it eventually collapse like the fwb relationship due to social pressure and tradition?

jack's picture

Is it something thats sustainable or does it eventually collapse like the fwb relationship due to social pressure and tradition?

Not just social pressure and tradition, but biology. Human females are not wired for long term polyamory. They may flirt with it when they are young but this is not the sexual temperament of the majority of females on this earth. Like FWBs, mLTRs are a short term phenomenon. When women get past the age of 26 or so, they engage in such behavior less and less.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Boyo-

The lifespan is roughly the same as a normal monogamous relationship - there's more tumult in the beginning, but once she acclimates to the setup and provided you are treating her like a proper girlfriend, most women will "put it out of their heads" most of the time... for a while.

If she's public about the nature of the relationship, social pressure will do you in pretty quickly, yes, but if she's smart and keeps things away from the public eye you're usually fine until you start investing less in the relationship or she starts hitting the "I need marriage/babies and it feels like this isn't taking me there" stage (i.e., the 2 year drop).

Re: Jack's comment, yes, the more focused she is on settling down NOW, the more likely she is to break things off sooner if it doesn't seem like the relationship's headed in that direction. The more distant such things are to her, the more likely she is to hang around because her needs are being met and she's happy, and the ticking of her biological clock seems like a far-off thing.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase i`ve been wondering this for a while..

You said never to screen from one eye to the other eye when looking at a woman..

I have been doing that, i have locked my eyes on the bridge of her nose between her eyes, but what i have noticed is that women tend to screen...

I look at her and i notice she is screening my eyes, from left to right almost all the time...

The last girl i was out with i told her to not do that, i told her why are you screening :D
I couldn`t resist it, i wanted to see her reaction and her reaction was neutral, i don`t think she quite understood what i just said...

Now, what exactly does that mean ?
Is she waiting on some kind of reaction of mine ?
Testing me ?

Can you elaborate a bit on what that "Screening thing" actually means...

Oh and one more thing.
About paying for dates.
I take your advice and rarely pay for dates, but it is still uncomfortable..

I think that is a double edged sword - one way she may think of me as different from the other men, on the other way she might think i am selfish or something...

The thing i want to ask is this, is it a good idea to tell women something like this:
Me: "The reason i don`t pay on dates with women is because i think you ( women ) might get upset or offended for thinking that a man can buy you with just one drink - i think it is better if we pay for our own, because you cannot know which girl might get angry over something as silly as paying for a drink"..

Not the exact words, but something like that ... What do you think Chase ?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Women in many ways are as clueless about things as men are; eye-scanning is one of these examples. Women who are very socially skilled you'll notice won't do this, and instead will use a focused, steady, hypnotic gaze. The rest though haven't even realized that this is something to think about / worry about, and will scan to their hearts' content.

The better you become socially, the more you'll realize you outpace women in terms of social awareness, which can seem unbelievable when you're starting out (and women have such a huge social head start).

Paying for dates is another of these - the ultimate objective is that you want to provide such a fantastic, incredible, value-giving experience on the date, while so fully removing yourself from boyfriend contention, that the woman herself feels social pressure to pay not just for herself, but for you - just like the man feels pressure to pay for the woman when he feels as if the dynamic is in her favor, the reverse is true when the dynamic is reversed.

If you're feeling pressure to pay, take that as an awareness of a value imbalance, and seek to provide a better experience for women on dates - immerse them more, charm them more, give them better conversation, make them feel ever freer and better understood. The more once-in-a-lifetime an experience you create, the less pressure you'll tend to feel about paying (there's also some degree of acclimating to not paying if you're accustomed to doing so).

Chase

samtheman's picture

I found a particular interest in the safe/easy mentalities that seem to permeate clubs / online dating realms. While this seems to be the easiest ways to meet women, as you mention Chase the quality of women here are less than desirable quality. While they may be initially fun and interesting, I've found in the long term that club / online girls and their 'crazyness' far outweigh any positive qualities that they may have in a relationship. The problem really starts to become larger when we become accustomed to having shitty and less fulfilling relationships not because we don't deserve better, but because we somehow think this is normal.

The best parts of life begin outside your comfort zone. Since only a small percentage of men are able to step outside their comfort zones, naturally the most amazing women are waiting for you there. Its time to get over that fear of talking to women in the day time, once that occurs a whole other world opens up.

Thanks for the post.

Tomas's picture

I agree completely with Chase. An average woman on an online dating site is broken, to an extent. And it seems that online dating makes them even more broken and enhances all the shit they can put on you.

What I find funny is the "perfect" way how women online decide. They don´t like your picture, you´re not their type. However, I had a woman fall for me after she got another picture of mine. I even had a woman fall in love in me in spite of not being her type!

Basically, an online woman can reject you for whatever reason. You are not tall enough. You are not pretty. You are prettier than her. You seem too smart while her spelling is crap. You write something that reminds her of her ex. She can reject you any time because there are always other 10 men in the queue.

The first date can be great, however she has four other dates planned and before you can have a second date, she won´t remember much about you. I was even rejected after a fantastic first date for this reason - you´re great, but you were my very first date and so dating you would feel like settling, don´t you think? Further, some women have no problem meeting other men beside you, but get very jealous and will leave you immediately if you do the same.

I think that online dating is not the right way to meet someone because women get too much power by default and they kind of cannot use that power.

Tom

Anonymous's picture

What if I find myself seeking validation from women? Am I broken too ?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

No, not broken, just in need of a little tweaking if it's excessive. Everyone requires SOME degree of validation, from SOMETHING, although you're best served as a man getting the majority of your validation from building a business, or creating art, or improving your body, etc. (and you'll get peripheral validation from women for this, too).

If you find yourself seeking too much validation, I'd recommend checking out this article: "Why It’s Bad to Want to Be Liked Too Much."

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase,

I have had a problem for a bit of a time so far and don't really know what to do. I have had a lot of practice in the initial steps of meeting women and getting them excited, but after that, it seems like a lot of times I run out of things to say and so the quality of the conversation goes down.

For example, I would meet a girl, get her very excited, go out for lunch with her, deep dive her, leave her on a high note, and then when the 2nd or 3rd date rolls around....i struggle to deep dive as it seems I have "been there" and that I know this person better. At this point, I find myself starting to talk about myself more and more (I have some very interesting stories). However, how can I continuously keep the focus on a girl when I run out of things to say?

I am very very curious how your conversations go with women after that initial hour of deep diving. Thanks Chase!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

If you're doing multiple dates prior to sex, it's usually best to structure them as:

1. Deep diving date
2. Fun date
3. Dinner at your place date

(second "fun" date optional)

I'm against fun dates as a first date, but if you need filler between getting to know a girl very well on the first date, and sleeping with her on the third, you can throw in something fun on the second date. That can be something that allows some deep diving, with fun interruptions - e.g., dinner at Hooter's, where you have some new stimulation to trigger taking the conversation down different roads, and also Hooter's girls coming around or doing the clapping / singing thing to break up the date. A comedy show, going swimming, a hike, Dave & Buster's, etc. - all can serve this purpose on the second date.

On the third date, there shouldn't be too much conversation - you'll want to have built the sexual intrigue up enough by this point that it's just inviting her over, putting the food on, and then starting your make out / escalation / sex.

Chase

David's picture

Hello Chase,

I would like to talk about one special factor of online dating that can make it or break it. I think you know the same stuff like me. Use of email, sms, phone calls should be minimal and aimed to arrange the 1st date. After that, it should serve you to get the 2nd date etc. This is the opposite to chatting for hours. Unfortunately, online dating breaks this rule big time.

I think US online dating sites work differently than in my country. We don´t use online site for 2-3 email exchange and than a date, women just won´t go for this here. Instead, we use it as a "short-message communication tool". If you don´t do that, she'll just meet someone else. What it means is that the two of you get into frequent communication that continues in the first date. The problem emerges after the 1st date - what should you mail about? Logically, you should keep about the same communication rate, else she might think you´re too keen or not interested. She can see you are online and read her message, but then you don´t respond? I had women auto-reject me after I decided to limit our communication!

Chase, that aspect is something what can be considered great, but at the end, it sucks. Communication throughout your dating can help you to 1st date sex. Or if you get into some sexting, she can just come over and jump into your bed on the 2nd date. But you don´t need everyday communication to do that. The dark side is that you have enough time to fuck it up. You can lose a great woman who originally desired a 2nd date, you can creep her out by something or there can be some misunderstanding and arguments. As you write in your article, she can replace you easily if she´s online.

I would appreciate your opinion on this. Never found more information on the internet.
David

Author
Chase Amante's picture

David-

That sounds constricting. Is there no way to disable the other party seeing your online status / whether you've read a message or not on the site in question? If not, then you do run into the weird online dating phenomenon of you went on a date with her, and both of you had a great time, but now you're online on the site again, and so is she (or she wouldn't know you were), which more or less means you're both still looking. Puts a real damper on any kind of whirlwind romantic feeling.

If she's still sending you messages, the problem then is that if you're not answering, but she can see you're online, her assumption (which is almost certainly correct) is that you're on there hunting for additional partners - and she takes a back seat to them.

One of the strategies I employ when dabbling with online is keeping everything to a single tight window - once a day, I'll get on, belt out a bunch of messages to all the girls I need to message, write to new prospects, then log out. When you have sites where the girl can see your activity, she'll see you haven't written her back, but that you ALSO haven't been online, and she feels reassured. The once-a-day logins prevent you from getting into incessant message conversations with girls who are still messaging you on the platform after a date (despite having your phone number), and head off any emotional crises on the girls' ends at the pass.

Chase

David's picture

Chase,

there is really a difference between a woman who is online and who is not. If you successfully pass a first date with an offline woman, she will think of you, look forward to meet you again and be unsure about you. She will often care... even if you the date wasn´t perfect or you cannot meet again until after two weeks, it´s a good chance it will work out next time. If your relationship is not exactly what she wants, she will contribute to it.

Now, if the first date with an online woman is not perfect or if you have to leave the city for 2 weeks, you can bet she will meet someone else. If your relationship is not what she wants, she will meet someone else. She gets bombarded with emails, cannot help it. Why should she care about you when there is a queue of other men?

In fact, whenever I had a fulfilling relationship with an online woman, it was always someone new to the site and I got her before the online environment could spoil her.

Regards, David

Anonymous's picture

Guys,
let me share my little wisdom. I read an article here about second date strategies. Chase, yes it is great, but unusable online. You must communicate with the woman if you want get the first date. After the date everything changes. You cannot limit your conversation, else she would think 1) you play her 2) you are sure of her 3) you want her to commit. But you cannot keep your conversation like it was before the date because it destroys all mystery.
Here is the problem. Both of you will continue to login to the dating site. It´s just a click away. She will do it because she doesn´t want to look like complying to you so quickly and because there are people to chat with. You may be fair and not approach other women, but whenever she enters the site, she gets hit by 5+ other men who might be even better than you. Under these conditions her attraction to you expires quickly. A week or two and it´s over. So how do you keep her attracted? How do you get second date and not push?

My opinion is harsh. Online dating is f***ed up. I use it occasionally and actually I´m quite good at getting successful first online dates. But after several years I still dont know how to communicate after that. I keep losing many women after first date, even when we had sex.
Lukas

Anonymous's picture

That was extremely insightful. I have read your article about not dating party girls but in this one you made couple arguments that were spot on.
I am in a relationship with a party girls so the argument with being FORCED to trust your girl was very enlightening. Thanks Chase !

lucifer's picture

Aaand Chase pulls another great article :D

However I disagree on the online dating thing as it's a bit of sweeping generalization (though it might be true for a %).

I have moved in this city less than 6 months ago and I've already met 3 (!) girls I know in a local popular dating website -and no, I don't know that many girls and no, I don't carefully check online profiles that often-.

Online dating today is a very popular way to meet guys.
1 of the 3 has just ended a relationship 12 years long and is a bit desperate.
The second, a colleague, is one the sweetest and most feminine girl I've met in a long time.

And these are just two examples to show that online dating is so main stream and such a normal way to meet new new people that you can't apply the same logic of the party girls.

lucifer's picture

And also about the party girls, there are many girls who go to clubs but don't actually drink -or don't get drunk- and rarely -some never- hook up.

I've seen a few like this and they were either Asians or had strong religious beliefs, I'm sure there are at least some that do it just for morals.

Some might even go there as they see it as the only feasible way to meet a guy for a serious relationship (say: they live far away from the city in a small village: how the is she supposed to meet someone?).

An exception, certainly, but one should always beware of generalization in the way of "girls going to clubs are intrinsically bad for relationship"

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