“Abundance Mentality” is something that’s frequently prescribed as an answer to men’s neediness issues: approach anxiety, having a “weird” or “awkward” vibe, escalation hesitation, failure to invite women home. Anything where a guy comes off as hesitant or is nervous about achieving a certain outcome.
Men who know there are women everywhere, and know they can get women whenever they want, goes the thinking, won’t worry about it.
But in fact, a standard abundance mentality will only get you halfway there.
This article’s going to focus on what I call absolute abundance – something that goes beyond ordinary abundance. First though, let’s have a look at what an abundance mentality is, and how you can work to develop one.
Abundance mentality is the name given to the feeling, the belief, that a man has abundant options with women: that there are attractive women everywhere, and that he can get them with relative ease. Once a man achieves an abundance mentality, seduction seems like a vastly easier prospect, and far less work.
Of course, getting there is easier said than done. I’d say it took me a good three years from the time I really began training seriously in the social arts until I reached a true abundance mentality. For me, the realization came when I took women home three nights in a row on vacation, and I saw that I had reached a point where any night I put enough effort in, I could take women home. It was reinforced further that year when I worked on street pickup, and found I could reliably bring women home most nights I went out just from meeting girls on the street.
Once I reached that point, all my old beliefs about women being difficult and challenging to get and about seduction being this tough skill I still had to master fell away, and suddenly getting girls seemed like a game I had mastered.
After three years of hard work and sporadic results, it became straightforward, and I achieved consistency.
But abundance mentality is not achieved in an instant. Rather, it’s built up to over time, as you develop more skill in seduction and things become clearer and easier to control, and the fog that hangs over this area of most men’s lives fades. The better you become at seduction, and the more you understand it, the more of an abundance mentality you naturally develop.
It’s also developed through experience. If you’ve only ever dated a few women, women will feel like scarce resources that are hard to come by. But if you’ve dated many, and if there are always women in your life, they seem like far more abundant resources. You don’t worry so much about them – they’re just there.
If I was to recommend a process for developing abundance mentality, I think that process would look like this:
- Absorb information on understanding women and social dynamics. A lot of men who dive into the social arts work on learning routines, pickup lines, and various things like that. All those things are short term fixes – they’re band-aids for a lack of understanding about why things happen the way they do in social contexts, and why women are the way they are. The more you understand women and socializing, the easier a time you’ll have figuring out confusing or novel situations, and the faster and more consistently you’ll start getting results with women.
- Practice, practice, practice. The number one key to developing an abundance mentality is getting results, and the number one key to getting results is getting out there and meeting women. Lots of women. Not a few a week. A lot of them. You really need to be serious and meet lots of girls and push to move things forward if you want to get to a point where you’re consistently finding success with women and build a real sense of abundance.
- Move somewhere with abundance built in. If you’re living in the country, and there are ten beautiful, available women in your entire town, you will never, ever develop an abundance mentality. I promise. At the very least, move to a city with a lot of beautiful young women. If you’re more ambitious, move to a city in a country with a lot of beautiful young women. Compare Osaka, Japan, or Florence, Italy, or (so I hear) Buenos Aires, Argentina with any city in the United States (my home country), and what will you find? Vastly more women who are thin and attractive by comparison, and an average body size that is much less likely to tip the scales. If you’re used to going to the club in the States and seeing three or four girls who aren’t overweight, you’ll be truly amazed stepping into a nightclub in a major city abroad and seeing it filled with beautiful thin women everywhere. Instant abundance.
- Get ambitious. Are you inviting women home regularly? If not, you likely have no real idea what women would go home with you, given the opportunity, and what women require more work. I just brought a girl home with me a few hours ago who was trying to go back to her own home because she said she had a lot of work to do before she went to class tonight. But I invited her back with me, and she came. Abundance is heavily influenced by how many women you’re bringing home, and how easy you think it is to get them home. If you’re not trying, you might be surprised how easy it is to get a girl alone with you.
That’s abundance mentality. Getting there is no piece of cake, but it’s certainly achievable.
Once you get there, though, you’ve only made it halfway. Because on the other side of abundance mentality, we have an entirely different beast:
What’s absolute abundance? It’s something I became aware of last year as a once-wonderful long-term relationship of mine wound down. I knew logically I should let my girlfriend go – it had passed the point of no return. But I wrestled with the decision. She’s such an amazing girl, I thought, I don’t know if I can ever find anyone as incredible as her. I’d roll through the list of her qualities in my mind and decide I didn’t think I could.
I realized in retrospect that despite my feeling of abundance in general, I was lacking a feeling of abundance in another way; I lacked the feeling that I could find amazing women easily. Sure, I could go out and pick up a girl to spend a night with; but if I wanted to find another beautiful, intelligent, dynamic, ambitious, successful professional woman with a high degree of in-built loyalty and affection and devotion… could I? Before, I met maybe two or three women who met those very specific qualifications a year. That meant two or three chances a year to get myself a girl I’d be willing to invest the time and effort into building and maintaining a long-term relationship with.
Yikes. Better not blow it when those chances appear.
And that’s exactly how most guys feel about women in general; it’s another shade of scarcity mentality. It’s scarcity of a particular type of woman; in this case, the kind of caliber woman I look to have a long-term relationship with.
I lacked absolute abundance. But, I soon developed it – perhaps nine or ten months after I’d developed ordinary abundance. Which is something I find interesting – I see guys who’ve had abundance mentalities for years, and still get quite hung up on the rare girls they meet they deem of high quality. They’ve had abundance for years, but still haven’t developed absolute abundance.
Why is this? I think the reason why is that most men who teach themselves to meet women focus solely on the meeting part, and aren’t choosy about the kind of women they maintain relationships with. They tend to turn girls they aren’t crazy about into friends-with-benefits, and then sometimes fall into relationships with those girls. Their standards for women they’ll sleep with and women they’ll date aren’t all that different.
I’m a little different. I don’t do the friend-with-benefits thing anymore, because I don’t see any long-term value to it. If I just want intimacy, I can spend time with my girlfriend, or I can go out and meet a new girl. It doesn’t make much sense to me to keep seeing a girl I’m not crazy about. This is similar to how I am with friends – I have a lot of friends, but mostly only spend time with the friends I find pretty amazing.
There’s a learning curve with this kind of thing. It meant that, for a while, I didn’t have a lot of friends, because it took me a while to figure out how to meet amazing people, how to spot amazing people, and how to bring them into my life. In the meantime, I was spending a lot of time with only one or two friends, or by myself.
Similarly, with women, it takes you a while to learn how to spot amazing women, how to meet them, and how to bring them into your life. Once you have it down, however, you’re set. It’s just like meeting women in general – get the skill, and you’re on easy street.
Once you know you can consistently meet the kind of women you consider amazing – whether that’s the kind of women I mentioned above that I consider amazing, or whether it’s different kinds of women altogether – you will have achieved absolute abundance.
Here’s what I think the keys are to absolute abundance, as far as I can tell:
- Abundance mentality. Without abundance mentality, absolute abundance is out of the question. Work on standard abundance first – and worry about this later!
- Known standards. Know exactly what you’re looking for. You have to know what it is you want before you figure out how to find it consistently. So, if you like brown-haired women with a fiery disposition, or you like blondes with big breasts and glasses, or you like Latinas who wear suits to work, know that. What kind of looks do you look for? Smarts? Education? Career? Upbringing and background? Wealth or property? Personality? Independence? Devotion or loyalty? How passionate must she be? Do you want a woman who seeks novelty and is a thrill seeker, or one who’s quieter and more conservative? You must figure all these things out before really getting a clear idea of what you want.
- Putting yourself in the position to meet the women you want. If you want women who like to relax and kick back and maybe go surfing and light bonfires, London or New York City probably aren’t the places you want to be living. Conversely, if you want women who are ambitious, successful, and upwardly mobile, those cities are excellent choices. In addition to actual locale, you can look at where you’re meeting women – women in loud dance clubs are going to be more likely to lean one way; women in upscale lounges another; women in dive bars still another; and women in salsa bars another yet. Women who spend their weekend days at the coffee shop vs. the bookstore vs. the beach vs. the park are all going to be different kinds of girls. Look at where you’re meeting the women you are, and ask yourself if you’re going to the right places.
Connection-based courtship. A lot of guys I know and am friends with are party guys specializing in party girls. Which is lots of fun, for sure. I made it a point to learn how to consistently get party girls. But, for relationships, party girls aren’t what I want; and in my experience, they aren’t what the majority of men want relationships with either. Yet, the higher quality women tend to be pretty adept at screening out party guys – which means that a lot of men who’ve specialized in getting party girls often aren’t able to reliably get higher quality women.
The way around this is connection-based courting and socializing of women. When you get good at connection-based courtship, you can very quickly find out a great deal of information about a woman, and get her feeling extremely connected to you in a hurry. This is what most higher quality women respond to. Higher quality women are accustomed to being approached and courted constantly by all kinds of men, and they mercilessly screen out the party guys whom they can tell aren’t really interested in them as people. High quality women will still have fun – but usually with safer men or men they can control. When it comes to dating, they want men they feel know them well and understand them and make them feel very connected and cared for – because they know they can get that, and they expect it.
Life-improvement and development of social class and grace. The higher you go in quality of women, the tougher at screening those women get: they aggressively screen out men who party too much, men who lack ambition, men who lack class and social grace, and a host of other factors. Like all people, high quality women are searching for men they can relate to – men who are as ambitious and successful and driven as they are. You don’t have to have your act perfectly together – I’m by no means financially well off, with an uncertain future, and no promising job prospects at the moment, on any continent – but I’m dating a beautiful, confident girl with a porn-star body, a conservative upbringing, a highly prestigious professional job, who is in the process of getting her MBA, and she buys me food and brings me gifts nearly every time I see her. Despite my shaky situation though, she sees that I’m an intelligent guy who’s got drive and ambition and wants to do something with his future – whatever that might be – and I treat her well and make her feel things no other man ever has.
And I do it all with class – my current girlfriend says that she rejected men for a year after she broke it off with her fiancée a year ago, but she liked me because I was a gentleman (and she still considers me a gentleman, despite originally getting very upset and embarrassed by how quickly I bedded her); indeed, my last girlfriend said something similar (she would always reject men who approached her, but I seemed different), and a good friend of mine in California, an attractive, successful professional woman, would typically only date more refined, professional men (with the odd suave seducer thrown in for good measure). All these girls are very high quality, very attractive women, and they all routinely reject the loud, crazy party guys. The classier the woman, the more class and ambition she expects from the men she dates.
I'd say I realized I'd reached absolute abundance when I got to the point that finding amazing women no longer seemed like a challenging prospect. Meet enough super cute girls, and some of them are bound to be amazing. That and – and this one's the kicker – knowing you've got what it takes to hold onto those amazing women are what grant absolute abundance.
Knowing you can meet them consistently. And knowing you know how to keep them once you've found them. That's absolute abundance.
Not all men will tell you they want successful, high class, high society women with good breeding and education and who take great care of their man and are devoted. “A cute party girl is enough for me,” a guy might say.
You know what I say? That’s settling. It’s like the guy who’s had three (short-lived) girlfriends his entire life who says, “I’m not going to bother studying seduction, because I do just fine with women.” He doesn’t want to go through the painful process of learning and growing and challenging himself, so he settles.
I challenge you to strive for not just abundance, but absolute abundance. I challenge you to make yourself into a classy, driven, suave man that high quality women desire. Do well with party girls, for sure, but also position yourself to find success with the best women out there. Only then will you feel truly in-control of your dating life, and have the comfort and the contentedness that comes from knowing that you have an abundance of the world’s most amazing women.