Find the Right Girl: What to Look for in a Potential Girlfriend


find the right girlWe've been talking a lot about relationships on here recently - but so far, it's been more on how to have healthier relationships in your own right. But how should you go about selecting the girl you want to have a relationship with in the first place? As you might guess, your ability to find the right girl is enhanced significantly if you know exactly what you want her to be like.

We’ve all heard a million times before that a ship without a rudder ends up on a reef… and that failing to plan is planning to fail… but are you really planning what kind of girl you want to attract into your life?

Put down in writing the exact kind of girl you want to attract for your ideal relationship.

Describe her in detail… her physical traits as well as her personality.

What does her hair look like? What race is she? Does she have big breasts or is she super-slim? Is she educated and ambitious or sweet and homely?

Write it all down… and add it to your daily affirmations.

Whether you believe that the law of attraction is at work here, or whether you believe that goal setting isn’t much more than programing the subconscious mind and the reticular activation system… either way, their effectiveness has been established over and over.

You may have heard the old Yale survey that showed that the 5% of students who had written goals at the date of their graduation ended up having a higher net worth than the 95% of students who didn’t COMBINED within 20 years of graduation. Well... it turns out that was just an urban legend and there never was such a study - BUT, there's still been plenty of research since then that has firmly shown the strong positive effect setting goals can have on actually achieving those goals (see: A meta-analytic study of the effects of goalsetting on task performance: 1966–1984, or Building a practically useful theory of goal setting and task motivation: A 35-year odyssey, to name just a few).

In any case, I have some good news for you… the girl that is your EXACT type… the one you REALLY like out of all the beautiful women you’ll come across day in and day out… is the one that is most likely to also REALLY like you back.

I haven’t seen any scientific studies about this yet, but I have made this experience time and again… my personal theory is that this happens because you both subconsciously realize you’re an ideal genetic match for each other.


The Process of Elimination

If you’re going to get into a serious relationship, the first step to find the right girl to do that with is to make sure you do your homework on whom you are, quite literally, getting in bed with… and you want to find this out early, before your emotions make you love blind to major flaws of hers.

Once you’re head over heels for a girl who seemed perfectly nice and normal on the first date, but who later turned out to secretly be a meth-smoking bipolar chick who sabotages every relationship because she doesn’t believe she deserves to be loved, it might be a bit too late to rethink your selection…

So find out EARLY.

Here are a few questions that will give you a very DEEP look into her psyche very early on:

  1. Are her parents still married? This is not a make-or-break question, but many times people who come from a stable background tend to be more stable people later in life as well.

  2. What was her childhood like? Related to this question – did she have a happy childhood or did her mum drag her around the country, running away from her alcoholic father who beat her half to death while she was consoling herself with another unemployed, dead-beat “step-daddy” for her?

  3. Has she ever been abused? This is probably not a question you want to get into early on, and you may not want to ask her explicitly at all… at least not without treading very, very carefully. But girls who have been raped often make for complicated girlfriends, and there are certainly some warning signs… if she touches you a little bit too much when you first flirt with her, that’s a common sign, for example. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but it’s something to keep in mind. Some statistics show that as much as 20-30% of girls have been sexually abused in some way.

  4. Does she have a healthy sense of deservingness? As I mentioned above… if she doesn’t believe, deep down, that she deserves the best in life, she will unconsciously sabotage any good thing that happens to her… including her relationship with you.

  5. What is her relationship with her other family members, and ESPECIALLY with her father, like? We all get imprinted by the life we live back in the house we grew up in… and especially by the relationships and roles that were being played out at that time. For a woman, the most crucial relationship is the one she had with her father… that relationship will often define and be reflected in all relationships she has with other men later in life.

    You want a real “daddy’s girl”… they make the best girlfriends.

  6. What’s her self-image? Related to the point about deservingness – does she believe she’s capable of great things? Does she have a positive or a negative self-image? Does she truly have high self-esteem, or does she just put on a front? Does she truly and deeply approve of herself, or does she need approval from others at every step of the way?

  7. Is she an honest person? As I said – whether or not her parents are still together is not necessarily a deal breaker. This one, however, is. You will never be able to have a healthy relationship with a person who’s not honest with you.

    Communication is the basis for all relationships – even for short term hook-ups, but much more so for a more serious commitment… and without honesty, there can be no communication.

    If you find out that she has a dishonest streak, cut bait quickly. ‘Nuff said.

  8. Is she reliable? Related to the point about honesty – does she keep her word? When she says she’ll do something, does she do it… or is she a girl who flakes? This may not seem like much, but chances are it will drive you up the wall in a relationship if you can’t count on your partner… the ONE person you should be able to count on.

  9. What have her past relationships been like? This is obviously a big indicator for what her future relationships are going to be like (for example... the one with YOU)… because we all fall into patterns that we repeat over and over again without even being aware of it. The ones you really want to watch out for are girls who have been in abusive relationships before. Because while it’s not always their fault, attracting (and especially, staying in) that kind of relationship is often a red flag for a lot more baggage underneath the surface.


Now Go Find the Right Girl…

find the right girlAlright, you’ve found her and you’ve screened her… now read the article on “How to Get a Girlfriend” again to review some of the basic fundamentals about getting into a relationship.

The most important lesson here is that you should never wait for it to happen… don’t rely on “fate” to drop the perfect girl into your lap.

I know some people believe in the fairy-tale of the right girl coming along at the right time, but in my experience, the guys who wait on that to find the right girl usually end up with some random homely looking girl that they eventually settle for because nothing better is coming around.

The guys who end up with the hottest, sharpest and smartest girls and the best relationships are usually the ones who made a proactive effort to make that happen.

I know for me, ALL of my best relationships started with me doing a cold approach pickup on a very hot girl whose path I would never have crossed by accident…

…yup, every single last one of them.

Sitting back and waiting on Cupid to do the job for me would have meant missing out on A LOT in my case… and the same seems to be true for just about everyone Chase or I have taught here through coaching, the programs, and the blog.


How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You

I guess technically speaking, Leil Lowndes probably has a copyright on that phrase as it’s the title of one of her books… but it’s not one of the books I recommend, so I won’t even link to it here. (Hey – I only link to absolute MUST-READ books… and those you shouldn’t miss out on. But Leil Lowndes you can give a miss in my opinion.)

But is it really possible to make girls fall in love with you consistently?

The answer is yes… and it’s easier for us than it is for them.

The reason is that women usually fall in love over time, and it happens to them with most men they are intimate with long enough and often enough.

If you sleep with girls a couple of times per week and you do that for a few months, chances are girls you do this with will be VERY attached to you by the end of that time.

However, you have to follow a few ground rules to make sure you won’t mess it up…

  • Keep being the guy she was attracted to in the first place. You see, most people think that once they’re in a relationship, they “have” their partner and no longer need to make much of an effort to “conquer” them. This line of thinking is wrong for several reasons, the most important one being the following:

    When you’re single, you’re competing against a couple of capable players for all the beautiful women in the club.

    But when you’re in a relationship, and especially if she’s very beautiful, you’re competing against every man on the planet for one single woman.

    Think about that… just because a girl has a boyfriend doesn’t automatically make her “safe” from other interested parties and now you can rest. There are STILL men competing for her... and so long as she remains attractive and desirable to other men, there always will be!

    In that light, keep up the playfulness with her, the banter, the teasing, the seduction and the excitement as much as possible… keep her on her toes!

    This is what attracted her to you to begin with, so don’t let up on those things.

  • BE her best option. We’ve discussed the topic of value, both in the context of meeting women as well as in the context of dating and relationships, in previous articles (see: “What Do Girls Look For? Part I”  and “What Do Girls Look For? Part II” ) - but in essence, you have to be her highest value option at all times if you expect to prevent cheating and hang onto her.

    That means… be socially proofed, be well connected, live an exciting and interesting lifestyle and make an identity for yourself. She will observe all of this, and admire you all the more… and so will other women, which will also serve to keep her on her toes.

    Most importantly, you have to be the kind of man who knows exactly what he wants out of life and goes after it… that is THE most important quality a “perfect ten” looks for in a man.

    Let me say that again… it’s just too important to skip over.

    Being the kind of man who knows exactly what he wants out of life and goes after it is THE most important quality a “perfect ten” looks for in a man.

    Now read it once more… and then we can move on. :)

  • See her how she wants to be seen. This is a two-way street… just like you want to be her highest value option, you also want to shine the brightest spotlight on her.

    That doesn’t mean that you put women on pedestals – women resent the pedestal because they know they won’t be able to live up to it, and because they don’t want to feel like they’re above you.

    However, she has an ideal image of herself… and if you can see her in that light, while also embracing her insecurities and helping her deal with them… you will have a girl that will adore you forever.

  • Be a Yin and Yang Guy. As you know if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, a lot of men struggle with their dating lives because they are too feminine in the way they deal with women… They don’t approach enough girls, they don’t take the lead on a date and they generally act too “nice” and too submissively.

    On the other hand, you don’t want to be an all-out “macho-man” either… you need a speck of yin in your yang.

    Women often find the man most attractive who has retained a little bit of his childlike side. He’s a real man, but she can sometimes spot the boy he once was in his smile. Just like the white dot inside the black half of the yin-and-yang symbol, he has a SMALL but undeniable feminine element to himself.

    In fact, all the BEST players I’ve ever met were bisexual… how’s that for a mind boggle? Guys who will go out and hook up with four new hot girls per week… maybe it’s because their feminine side allows them to connect with women quickly and deeply enough to make them comfortable sleeping with them.


With Great Power…

…comes great responsibility. I’ll say it again… PLEASE do everybody a favor and only use these techniques when you find the right girl - in other words, with girls you are ABSOLUTELY serious about.

If you do this right, girls WILL fall in love with you VERY consistently.

find the right girl

And if she’s not a girl you want to be in a monogamous relationship with for a long time, you really don’t want her to fall in love.

Trust me… the last thing you want is a stalker or a clinger, and you DEFINITELY don’t want slashed car tires.

And if you’re only after a casual relationship, there is also absolutely no need to make a girl fall in love with you. Women are much more open to that kind of arrangement than most guys realize… and the only reason why they would not be is because the communication that you’re a sexual man in pursuit of a sexual relationship isn’t clear.

As long as you’re being honest and up-front about your intentions, without lacking class and subtlety, chances are she’ll be happy that she’s found a guy she can just get laid with… and all without any of the usual strings that often come attached to that.

Onward and upward,

Ricardus


UPDATE: read the next article in Ricardus's relationship series right here: Should You Say "I Love You"? Making Progress in Relationships.

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Comments

Anonymous's picture

Excellent post as


Excellent post as always,Ricardus. I always learn something new and insightful in this blog:)
Could you please give me more examples about girls "putting up a front"?
Anyway keep up the good work, mate:)

Chase Amante's picture

Girls Wearing False Confidence


Hey Anon,

Not Ricardus, but here're a few examples anyway of girls pretending to be confident who aren't:

  • The girl who acts tough / superior to protect herself from being hurt (e.g., the rude ugly girl, or the overly-cold beautiful girl)
  • The girl who surrounds herself with "fans" who tell her how good she is or great she is instead of people who challenge her
  • The girl who acts like she's bored by everything or everything is beneath her

Truly confident women are very comfortable in their own skins and are comfortable showing and discussing their emotions. You won't catch them trying to "protect" themselves as much as you will the women who are putting on a front.

Chase

R's picture

Great stuff here Ricardus.


Great stuff here Ricardus. The last part is what is so tricky - getting and using these techniques on the right girl. If you're picky like I am that girl is hella hard to find, just gotta make sure I keep approaching women to continue to find out what they are like until I find the right one.

Again, thanks for the great article. Made me think a little.

Mikel 's picture

Good question


Hey Ricardus I have a question for both you and Chase, do either of you plan on ever getting married ? (If not then it's perfectly fine because we all live our lives how we want to right?) but my question is.. by following this lifestyle will it contribute to eventually finding a girl that could be "the one" ? and be able to settle down with her? I would love it if you could answer this question as I have honestly had some questions ignored by you guys, but it's no biggie you can't answer everybody can you ? but if you could I would highly appreciate it !

Regards, Miguel

Chase Amante's picture

Marriage and The One?


Howdy Miguel,

I'm not sure if it's in the stars for Ricardus or not, but as far as me personally when it comes to marriage, I've been there and done that already. I'm not averse to taking a wife - or, perhaps, wives - again - I enjoyed the line by Jeff Goldblum (playing Ian Malcolm) in Jurassic Park that, "I'm always looking for a future ex-Mrs. Malcolm" (of course, when I first saw the movie, I thought marriage was one of those ultimate goals you should strive for and I couldn't relate at all to that comment. Why would you be looking for a future ex? Life seems funnily straightforward and black and white when you're inexperienced).

Marriage is one of those things that, like sex, gets built up to feverish "mythical" levels by society as some kind of ultimate achievement, after which all is right with the world. You pretty quickly find out though that marriage is just marriage - you've got a legal contract between you and your woman now, and that's the only real change. It's not like marriage happens and "now it's different." You or her might have emotions built up that discharge at a marriage event, but once those dissipate it's back to normal. Especially in today's day and age, most of the primary benefits for men that used to come with marriage (e.g., sex, living together) you get without marriage, and the majority of the remaining benefits (e.g., social "arrival", acceptance as a "man" in society, etc.) have disappeared.

These days I view marriage as something primarily for women. If a girlfriend I'm serious with needs marriage to remove social pressure from family and friends urging her to get married, it doesn't both me to give it to her so long as I've taken the proper precautions to protect myself financially. It is, as far as I'm concerned, a piece of paper that doesn't change things and is more for keeping up appearances in society than anything else.

Regarding finding "The One": I've met several "The Ones," including my ex-wife. I know Ricardus has too. People who are more idealistic get upset when you say that and respond with, "No! There can only be ONE The One!" If that was the case though, I'd expect almost no one would meet "The One," the odds being that you'd of course never actually meet the one other person on Earth out of 7 billion that was your perfect match... let alone have her be one of your classmates or workmates, like 90% of people who find The One report. Or maybe The One lived 4,000 years ago in Sumeria and you'll never meet her because, well, she got stoned to death as an adulterer a few millennia ago for straying from her husband because he wasn't The One.

What people think of as "The One" is actually the strong, magnetic attraction you have to someone where you feel a pull toward them that is... difficult to define. That's what Ricardus was mentioning at the start of this article.

The weird thing is, almost every single one of the women I've met whom I've felt this way towards have felt the same way toward me. It's like we saw each other and then both of us had some kind of match we both felt strongly. It's gotten to the point now where I can see a girl and when I feel that feeling say, "She's going to be an important part of my life," and I'm often right.

Anyway, I don't know what that "feeling" is or where it comes from. I've felt it with girls who looked at me first and I've felt it with women I've seen from a distance who hadn't noticed me yet, and met both kinds and had great relationships with both. In fact, I don't think I've ever had a long-term relationship with a girl I didn't feel was a "One." Life's too short to spend it with people you aren't crazy about.

By actively approaching women you want and doing things right with them, you will absolutely multiply your odds of finding one of your Ones in any given span of time, and absolutely expedite the process of finding her and getting her.

But you'll realize once you're out there - so don't create any more excuses for yourself, Miguel. You will not meet The One sitting at home watching movies about people meeting The One. You've got to be out there looking for women that are your "perfect matches"... or as close to it as someone can be humanly expected to get.

The more you look, the sooner you'll find women like this... and the better you get with women in the meantime, the more likely you are to get THEM when you meet them, and have a great relationship with them, instead of watching them slip away, like you often see the protagonist doing when he first meets The One in a movie (he later gets her, but real life doesn't afford you so many chances - you've got to be on-point, and it takes practice to get there).

So get practicing, and count on meeting her... quite possibly sooner than you realized you would.

Chase

Mikel 's picture

Thanks for the response! You


Thanks for the response! You know what the funny thing is ? That "pull" you talk about I have felt it with some girls, and the funny thing is that when I would meet them or just see them I could feel like they would feel the same thing and at first I thought it was just an illusion I would make for myself but with time I realized it was for real. Whatever causes this attraction, whether it be your "heart" or your genetics it's there and it's absolutely right. Speaking of right, the funny thing is I am so glad I discovered this website Chase because you know what? Whenever I have gone through phases of my life where I would feel confident,secure, like a king etc. Many of these tips and fundamentals you describe and write about, I would just do naturally, granted I still have learned some tricks from you but your writing has proven that feeling fulfilled and strong really is the way with women and anything else in life, I really am very glad I discovered this site as I actually just went through a tough couple of last years where I have struggled and doubted myself, but your writing has actually proven to me that everything I would do and say when I felt "right" was well ..right ! Right now I am 19 and will be 20 in two months I am barely starting college and now I am beginning to go back to my confident and happy ways, I want to thank you and Ricardus (again) for your writings because they have proven to me that when I would be confident and happy I would do almost everything right and when I didn't it DIDN'T matter ! Anyways I am sorry if my writing is confusing I am actually in a bit of a rush again thank you for responding !

Regards, Miguel

Regards, Miguel

Charlie's picture

Hi Chase and Ricardus, I got


Hi Chase and Ricardus,

I got a pretty long story, but I'll try to summarize it...
So last year I've met some exchange students, from the start I had massive value since I introduced them to hundreds of people and made possible for them to travel around (paid from their pockets of course, I'm running a business not a charity).
All of the girls were giving me massive IOIs, but there was this one of the group, the most aloof and also pretty that captured my attention. You know the type, the girl that only has a facebook so she can glorify her existence to her fan club.
Still I'm at the top of my game, I manage to get compliance from her and get her on a date, to which surprise, surprise, she flaked...
But then on the days she started see me getting attention from other women and she would apologise for flaking.
She would then apologise for flaking, making some lame excuse, to which I remain unreactive and accept her apology, reschedule and made sure she now has to make it up for me i.e. paying for the date.
She showed up with her friends, but still she isolated me to a place on the venue, I didnt even had to work that out.

I then started to trying to know her, in that time I found out that:
- she most likely had daddy issues, been raised by her grandparents.
- she had alot of self esteem issues regarding her looks.
- she tried to tell me her ex-bf was a racist bastard (I of course lead the convo to another direction).
- her ideal job would be "working in an office" (her words exactly).
- was low on cash since she spent alot on the exchange program (even though I think it was a test for me to pick up the check at the end of the night, of course I didnt baited, a deal is a deal)

I guess I was a little put off to say at least and didnt feel like I wanted to take her home that night, adding this to the massive mind games she had been pulling. Her friends show up later saying they were going home and she had to go with them, I didnt stop them, still she tried to flirt with some other guy in my presence (another top5 favorite mind games she had been trying to pull with me since ever, I remained unreactive of course).

We did get on a few dates after but still the mind games and red flags were too suspicious and turned me off every time, but she had a way into baiting me into it like saying stuff "it will be your best coffee ever". Of course I never felt like closing and she never made it easy. I did however kiss closed her on her goodbye party (I was drunk, shame on me).

While she was gone during 6 months we did exchanged some messages, more on her part than on mine, she always initiated. In the meantime she was trying to get my attention with nonsense like changing her relationship status on facebook to in a relationship, which I know was fake. Over the summer however she showed up to do her internship here, to which she didnt told me about since I frozed her ass for the nonsense facebook stuff. I ran into her by random chance here at my hometown, to which she asks for my number for us to meet, and I agree give her my number but ask her to give me hers so I would call her instead when she was back from this mini holiday in the capital with her friend. She invited me to stay with her and her friends, but it was pretty brief interaction, since I had my friend waiting, she could see him outside (he looks like a friggin GQ model, first time I ever saw a girl being jealous of a guy)
She looked disappointed and sad but I had to go.

3 days have passed, I have some free time, tried to call her but I kept getting an automated message of her phone not accepting incoming calls. I sent a text with a little a humor, about the woman on the automated message be just jealous and telling her when I was free. No response.
The next day I speak with a mutual friend which tells me she has been bragging on facebook about a night she and her friend didnt saw each other for 15 hours (good for her I think). But then I start to rationalize, what kind of girl parades on social media about her promiscuity?
yeap more mind games... oh trust me I believe she went down all fours with a guy, but to what purpose is she now telling the world about it? to get into my skin, I think, in a pathetic public way. diminishing her value to everyone she knows... except maybe with some girl friends and beta orbiters.
So I sent her a message how about I couldnt meet with her during her stay, due to some random excuse, and apologised for that.

I've been told that after a few weeks of her returning home, she posted pictures of the place where she supposedly was picked up with captions like "forgetable place. at least for me." She even tried to lure me back in on my birthday by changing her profile picture to an inside joke we had. She knows I'm coming to her home country soon, but to be honest I dont feel like meeting with her... way too many red flags, too much drama, and despite the looks, personality wise she lacks on my standarts...

If you survived through this long story, congratulations, you sir deserve a medal... if not for that at least for this site which has golden information.

This story isnt without its purpose... it's maybe long and boring, but thats what it felt like to me looking back. You talk about what to look for in a girlfriend, but I would like to know more about spotting low quality women fast and screening them out, because time and energy is valuable. (you know, when the pussy isnt worth the trouble she is trying to give you)
And if you could, please share some personal experiences with some low quality women...

Thank you for everything.

Respect,
Charlie

Anonymous's picture

hi Charlie, a girl


hi Charlie, a girl here,
basically i don't think the girl was into you at all and you've paid way too much attation on her.

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