Find the Right Girl: What to Look for in a Potential Girlfriend
We've been talking a lot about relationships on here recently - but so far, it's been more on how to have healthier relationships in your own right. But how should you go about selecting the girl you want to have a relationship with in the first place? As you might guess, your ability to find the right girl is enhanced significantly if you know exactly what you want her to be like.
We’ve all heard a million times before that a ship without a rudder ends up on a reef… and that failing to plan is planning to fail… but are you really planning what kind of girl you want to attract into your life?
Put down in writing the exact kind of girl you want to attract for your ideal relationship.
Describe her in detail… her physical traits as well as her personality.
What does her hair look like? What race is she? Does she have big breasts or is she super-slim? Is she educated and ambitious or sweet and homely?
Write it all down… and add it to your daily affirmations.
Whether you believe that the law of attraction is at work here, or whether you believe that goal setting isn’t much more than programing the subconscious mind and the reticular activation system… either way, their effectiveness has been established over and over.
You may have heard the old Yale survey that showed that the 5% of
students who had written goals at the date of their graduation ended up
having a higher net worth than the 95% of students who didn’t COMBINED
within 20 years of graduation. Well... it turns out that was just an
urban legend and there never was such a study - BUT, there's still been
plenty of research since then that has firmly shown the strong positive
effect setting goals can have on actually achieving those goals (see: A
meta-analytic study of the effects of goalsetting on task performance:
1966–1984, or Building a
practically useful theory of goal setting and task motivation: A
35-year odyssey, to name just a few).
In any case, I have some good news for you… the girl that is your EXACT type… the one you REALLY like out of all the beautiful women you’ll come across day in and day out… is the one that is most likely to also REALLY like you back.
I haven’t seen any scientific studies about this yet, but I have made this experience time and again… my personal theory is that this happens because you both subconsciously realize you’re an ideal genetic match for each other.
The Process of Elimination
If you’re going to get into a serious relationship, the first step to find the right girl to do that with is to make sure you do your homework on whom you are, quite literally, getting in bed with… and you want to find this out early, before your emotions make you love blind to major flaws of hers.
Once you’re head over heels for a girl who seemed perfectly nice and normal on the first date, but who later turned out to secretly be a meth-smoking bipolar chick who sabotages every relationship because she doesn’t believe she deserves to be loved, it might be a bit too late to rethink your selection…
So find out EARLY.
Here are a few questions that will give you a very DEEP look into her psyche very early on:
Are her parents still married? This is not a make-or-break question, but many times people who come from a stable background tend to be more stable people later in life as well.
What was her childhood like? Related to this question – did she have a happy childhood or did her mum drag her around the country, running away from her alcoholic father who beat her half to death while she was consoling herself with another unemployed, dead-beat “step-daddy” for her?
Has she ever been abused? This is probably not a question you want to get into early on, and you may not want to ask her explicitly at all… at least not without treading very, very carefully. But girls who have been raped often make for complicated girlfriends, and there are certainly some warning signs… if she touches you a little bit too much when you first flirt with her, that’s a common sign, for example. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but it’s something to keep in mind. Some statistics show that as much as 20-30% of girls have been sexually abused in some way.
Does she have a healthy sense of deservingness? As I mentioned above… if she doesn’t believe, deep down, that she deserves the best in life, she will unconsciously sabotage any good thing that happens to her… including her relationship with you.
What is her relationship with her other family members, and ESPECIALLY with her father, like? We all get imprinted by the life we live back in the house we grew up in… and especially by the relationships and roles that were being played out at that time. For a woman, the most crucial relationship is the one she had with her father… that relationship will often define and be reflected in all relationships she has with other men later in life.
You want a real “daddy’s girl”… they make the best girlfriends.
What’s her self-image? Related to the point about deservingness – does she believe she’s capable of great things? Does she have a positive or a negative self-image? Does she truly have high self-esteem, or does she just put on a front? Does she truly and deeply approve of herself, or does she need approval from others at every step of the way?
Is she an honest person? As I said – whether or not her parents are still together is not necessarily a deal breaker. This one, however, is. You will never be able to have a healthy relationship with a person who’s not honest with you.
Communication is the basis for all relationships – even for short term hook-ups, but much more so for a more serious commitment… and without honesty, there can be no communication.
If you find out that she has a dishonest streak, cut bait quickly. ‘Nuff said.
Is she reliable? Related to the point about honesty – does she keep her word? When she says she’ll do something, does she do it… or is she a girl who flakes? This may not seem like much, but chances are it will drive you up the wall in a relationship if you can’t count on your partner… the ONE person you should be able to count on.
What have her past relationships been like? This is obviously a big indicator for what her future relationships are going to be like (for example... the one with YOU)… because we all fall into patterns that we repeat over and over again without even being aware of it. The ones you really want to watch out for are girls who have been in abusive relationships before. Because while it’s not always their fault, attracting (and especially, staying in) that kind of relationship is often a red flag for a lot more baggage underneath the surface.
Now Go Find the Right Girl…
Alright, you’ve found her and you’ve screened her… now read the article on “How to Get a Girlfriend” again to review some of the basic fundamentals about getting into a relationship.
The most important lesson here is that you should never wait for it to happen… don’t rely on “fate” to drop the perfect girl into your lap.
I know some people believe in the fairy-tale of the right girl coming along at the right time, but in my experience, the guys who wait on that to find the right girl usually end up with some random homely looking girl that they eventually settle for because nothing better is coming around.
The guys who end up with the hottest, sharpest and smartest girls and the best relationships are usually the ones who made a proactive effort to make that happen.
I know for me, ALL of my best relationships started with me doing a cold approach pickup on a very hot girl whose path I would never have crossed by accident…
…yup, every single last one of them.
Sitting back and waiting on Cupid to do the job for me would have meant missing out on A LOT in my case… and the same seems to be true for just about everyone Chase or I have taught here through coaching, the programs, and the blog.
How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You
I guess technically speaking, Leil Lowndes probably has a copyright on that phrase as it’s the title of one of her books… but it’s not one of the books I recommend, so I won’t even link to it here. (Hey – I only link to absolute MUST-READ books… and those you shouldn’t miss out on. But Leil Lowndes you can give a miss in my opinion.)
But is it really possible to make girls fall in love with you consistently?
The answer is yes… and it’s easier for us than it is for them.
The reason is that women usually fall in love over time, and it happens to them with most men they are intimate with long enough and often enough.
If you sleep with girls a couple of times per week and you do that for a few months, chances are girls you do this with will be VERY attached to you by the end of that time.
However, you have to follow a few ground rules to make sure you won’t mess it up…
Keep being the guy she was attracted to in the first place. You see, most people think that once they’re in a relationship, they “have” their partner and no longer need to make much of an effort to “conquer” them. This line of thinking is wrong for several reasons, the most important one being the following:
When you’re single, you’re competing against a couple of capable players for all the beautiful women in the club.
But when you’re in a relationship, and especially if she’s very beautiful, you’re competing against every man on the planet for one single woman.
Think about that… just because a girl has a boyfriend doesn’t automatically make her “safe” from other interested parties and now you can rest. There are STILL men competing for her... and so long as she remains attractive and desirable to other men, there always will be!
In that light, keep up the playfulness with her, the banter, the teasing, the seduction and the excitement as much as possible… keep her on her toes!
This is what attracted her to you to begin with, so don’t let up on those things.
BE her best option. We’ve discussed the topic of value, both in the context of meeting women as well as in the context of dating and relationships, in previous articles (see: “What Do Girls Look For? Part I” and “What Do Girls Look For? Part II” ) - but in essence, you have to be her highest value option at all times if you expect to prevent cheating and hang onto her.
That means… be socially proofed, be well connected, live an exciting and interesting lifestyle and make an identity for yourself. She will observe all of this, and admire you all the more… and so will other women, which will also serve to keep her on her toes.
Most importantly, you have to be the kind of man who knows exactly what he wants out of life and goes after it… that is THE most important quality a “perfect ten” looks for in a man.
Let me say that again… it’s just too important to skip over.
Being the kind of man who knows exactly what he wants out of life and goes after it is THE most important quality a “perfect ten” looks for in a man.
Now read it once more… and then we can move on. :)
See her how she wants to be seen. This is a two-way street… just like you want to be her highest value option, you also want to shine the brightest spotlight on her.
That doesn’t mean that you put women on pedestals – women resent the pedestal because they know they won’t be able to live up to it, and because they don’t want to feel like they’re above you.
However, she has an ideal image of herself… and if you can see her in that light, while also embracing her insecurities and helping her deal with them… you will have a girl that will adore you forever.
Be a Yin and Yang Guy. As you know if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, a lot of men struggle with their dating lives because they are too feminine in the way they deal with women… They don’t approach enough girls, they don’t take the lead on a date and they generally act too “nice” and too submissively.
On the other hand, you don’t want to be an all-out “macho-man” either… you need a speck of yin in your yang.
Women often find the man most attractive who has retained a little bit of his childlike side. He’s a real man, but she can sometimes spot the boy he once was in his smile. Just like the white dot inside the black half of the yin-and-yang symbol, he has a SMALL but undeniable feminine element to himself.
In fact, all the BEST players I’ve ever met were bisexual… how’s that for a mind boggle? Guys who will go out and hook up with four new hot girls per week… maybe it’s because their feminine side allows them to connect with women quickly and deeply enough to make them comfortable sleeping with them.
With Great Power…
…comes great responsibility. I’ll say it again… PLEASE do everybody a favor and only use these techniques when you find the right girl - in other words, with girls you are ABSOLUTELY serious about.
If you do this right, girls WILL fall in love with you VERY consistently.
And if she’s not a girl you want to be in a monogamous relationship with for a long time, you really don’t want her to fall in love.
Trust me… the last thing you want is a stalker or a clinger, and you DEFINITELY don’t want slashed car tires.
And if you’re only after a casual relationship, there is also
absolutely no need to make a girl fall in love with you. Women are much more open to that kind of
arrangement than most guys realize… and the only reason why they
would not be is because the communication that you’re a sexual man in pursuit of a
sexual relationship isn’t clear.
As long as you’re being honest and up-front about your intentions, without lacking class and subtlety, chances are she’ll be happy that she’s found a guy she can just get laid with… and all without any of the usual strings that often come attached to that.
Onward and upward,
UPDATE: read the next article in Ricardus's relationship series right here: Should You Say "I Love You"? Making Progress in Relationships.
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