You’ve approached a woman. You went up to her and joked around about her polka dot dress and vintage style. She laughed, and made further inquiry into who this intrepid gentlemen is. You begin to tell her about yourself and launch into a quality conversation.
You starting thinking to yourself: “Wow. This girl is really something.” She tells you an embarrassing story about how she peed her pants when she was a kid. This makes her seem so down to earth despite how beautiful you find her.
You two like the same music. You’ve traveled to some of the same places. You have similar life values. You think, “This is it. Finally, I’ve found a quality woman.”
You ask her out. “Hey, Julia, I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you here…”
She replies. “Yes! I would love to!”
You’re elated. You swap numbers with her as your heart is pounding. Then you say your goodbyes, ready to leap out of your body with joy.
“It was great meeting you. I look forward to our adventure Julia!”
She reciprocates your goodbye: “It was great meeting you too! I look forward to going out… as friends.”
You stop dead in your tracks. You double-take to make sure you heard her correctly. Friends? Did she just say friends? How is that possible?
How is that possible? You did everything right, right? Wrong. In this scenario, you successfully connected with her, but you failed to arouse her.
Connection is an important component of arousal, but it’s far from the whole story.
So if you’ve ever found yourself in this – or a similar – situation, today I’m going to break down everything involved in how to arouse a woman.
Arouse a Woman: Mental AND Physical
I believe that arousing a woman is much like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube: it seems simple figuring out how to arouse a woman when you see someone else doing it, but it’s much trickier once it’s in your hands if you don’t know what you’re doing (which many men don’t).
The key to truly arousing any woman can pretty much be summed up in one statement: arousal for a woman must be mental and physical.
A mistake that guys make is that they try to focus on one or the other. But men, you need BOTH to arouse a woman. And there will be different things that you’ll have to pay attention to depending on what stage of the seduction you’re in.
We’ll talk about two major (and different) types of arousal below:
when you first meet her, and
when you’re in a relationship
When You First Meet Her
Approximate Mental/Physical Scale:
The ratio of mental and physical arousal when you first meet a woman will depend on the time when you meet her.
If you’re doing day game, you’ll need to focus more on relating to her, creating comfort and laying the foundation of the seduction with a possible instant date.
During night game, you’ll need to focus on exuding a masculine presence, being playful, making her feel safe, using touch, and handling logistics.
So let’s look at each of these scenarios a bit more closely.
How to Arouse a Woman in the Daytime:
Approach. There’s no way you’ll arouse a girl if you don’t get her attention first. Direct approach, indirect approach, or use an indirect direct. Which you choose is a matter of preference. I personally like indirect approaches because women can be entirely too sheepish or offended in America if you come direct because of having to deal with thirsty men hooting at them all of the time. And when you come indirect, it bypasses their defenses and allows you to have a chance to escalate with a girl who may have blown you off otherwise.
Create basic rapport. If you ask a woman where the bus station is and don’t launch into asking questions about her, things may get awkward and she will likely just leave. So you’ll have to ask her basic questions such as where she’s from and what she’s doing in whatever city you may find yourself in.
Relate to her. This is the most important step for arousing a woman in day game. Before a woman can think of you in a legitimately sexual way, she has to first feel like you “get her”. So you must find a way to relate to her. Maybe you’ve been to the country she’s from. Maybe you like the same music or sport. Whatever it may be, you have to pick a thread from basic rapport and find a way to relate to her (or “hook” her, if you want to get technical). Once she’s interested, you’ll instantly see her demeanor change. Maybe she’ll lean in more, maybe she’ll ask you a question, but you’ll know when you’ve captured her interest.
Use small touch. Vital to getting down how to arouse a woman is knowing how to get (and actually getting) physical with her. But if you try to manhandle a woman in the daytime, she’s more likely to call for help than to come home with you (unless it’s really on). So you’ll have to use small touch to get her comfortable – both consciously and unconsciously – with the idea of you touching her. If she says she’s been to the same place as you, hold up your hand for a high five. If you like the same music, give her a hug.
And when you’re using small touch, it’s important to gauge her reactions. If you go in for a hug and she backs off and tries to dodge your arms, then you need to back up and keep creating basic rapport/relating. If she grips you with a bear hug, then you need to keep touch escalating and moving things forward.
Create an “Us vs. The World” frame. The important silver bullet of day game arousal is an “us vs. the world” mentality. If you can set up a frame where the two of you are “partners in crime”, “Romeo and Juliet”, “world adventures”, or any other pairing you can come up with, then you will greatly improve your chances of seducing the girl. If a girl considers herself on your team and gives herself a unique role, then she will have a very powerful association with you as an exciting change of pace and force in her life. And since all women crave adventure, she will be bought into the idea of the two of you together.
Mind your transition and create deep rapport. A key to successful day game arousal is the ability to create smooth transitions. If you are talking to her for 5-7 minutes on the street, then you need to invite her on an instant date for coffee or ice cream – or she will feel awkward and leave. If you don’t have time for an instant date, you need to ask for her number and then make your exit – or she will feel awkward and leave.
And if you go for option one, you must move toward deep rapport. Start asking her the questions you should ask all women. Once she feels like she’s deeply investing in you (and you’re still touch escalating) she will start to become aroused.
Setting a sexual frame. The final step to arouse a woman in the daytime is to set a sexual frame. You shouldn’t go into full on sexual mode if you’re on a mere coffee/tea/ice cream/smoothie date, but you should start to lead the conversation toward sexual topics, make sexual jokes about the two of you, and maybe try to tell a brief sex story.
If you follow the above steps, you will have your woman sufficiently aroused. And from this point, you can try to push for the close (which is more unlikely in the daytime) or grab her number, leave on a high note, and follow up with rapid dates to put yourself in the position to have sex with her.
How to Arouse a Woman at Night:
Approach. Whether you do a direct or indirect approach really depends on what type of night venue you find yourself in. If you’re in a pub or a lounge, then it is much easier to indirect approach based on something that’s happening in your environment. But if you’re in a loud bar or club, then you have to be physical.
And you can’t be lightly physical like tapping a girl on the shoulder. You have to smoothly use medium levels of physicality like grabbing a girl’s arm or hand and make sure that she even knows you exist before you can begin to arouse her. And at night, her energy will be all over the place, so you have to make sure that she zeroes in on you.
Be playful. When girls go out at night, they are first and foremost out to have fun. Meeting sexy men is definitely a component of having fun, but what lie at the foundation of the night for a girl are good emotions. And if anything is bringing down a girl’s fun, then she will entirely avoid it. And unfortunately for most men, that thing they avoid is often the man himself. And the reason why is because most men try to invite themselves in and leech girls’ fun. But girls want to be around people who are having as much fun – or even more fun – than they themselves are having.
That’s why being playful is of the utmost importance to women. Girls want to release. They want to dance; they want to laugh; they want to flirt; they want to feel naughty; they want to feel free. And if you’re the guy who can be a conduit of that freedom, then they will love you. And they will become aroused by you.
Build light rapport. You want to build some rapport after you first initiate playful flirting. Keep in mind that if you’re in a high energy venue you don’t want to spend so much time building rapport that she loses interest, because you’re asking for too much mental exertion. If you do that, she will simply shut down and will suddenly have the urge to go to the bathroom with her purse and all of her friends. And then you will see her grinding her butt on some drunk guy in a different part of the bar.
So keep the rapport light. Ask her what her name is, where she’s from, etc., and be animated in your responses. Take interest in the information that she is giving you so that she feels that you’re a guy with good vibes that she can trust and will want to continue to have more and more fun with.
Escalate quickly through touch. While you’re being playful with her, start off with playful/sexual touch. Ease into it and get her used to the idea and feeling of having your hands all over her. Start with short bursts. Lightly smack her on the butt and then laugh it off as you keep dancing/flirting/joking around with her. Then give her a longer hug while you grip her hips. Then go back to talking. Then give her piercing eye contact. Then build up the tension and give her a kiss. Then go back to talking normally.
Close (or attempt to). The thing about night game escalation is that if you arouse a woman to her boiling point and then do nothing about it, she will just crash and then become frustrated with you. And then she will auto-reject and go find some other guy who won’t tease her so cruelly. This is another mistake I found many men making. They arouse a woman, and then push the arousal higher and higher, and then do nothing about it. And then they sit there and scratch their head when she is scooped up by the next guy.
To understand why the girl leaves, consider this: imagine a stunningly beautiful woman in a low-cut red dress walk up to you. She starts running her hands through your hair and telling you how attractive you are. She starts whispering in your ear about all of the things she wants to do to you. She starts rubbing your crotch and starts softly moaning right in front you.
But imagine that every time you actually tried to kiss her and make it happen, she just pulled away and kept teasing you:
After five minutes: You’d be fired up and ready to go right then and there. Trying everything you could.
After ten minutes: You’d be losing your mind, trying everything you could, and would likely start desperately pleading with her to just let it happen.
After fifteen minutes: You’d get pissed off that this girl just sent your desire skyrocketing to the moon and then didn’t actually do anything about it. You’d yell at her for being a tease and then just leave (probably to masturbate while thinking about it later – if we’re being honest).
And that’s exactly how a girl feels if you do too much arousing. She’ll get frustrated that you just got her going without doing anything about it, and she’ll leave because she doesn’t want to be teased anymore.
So keep in mind that if you’re night escalating, you must close. Grab her number. Pull her out of the bar. Take her to the bathroom. Just do something. And if you don’t succeed – at least try and learn something from your experience.
These are the important mindsets to have when you’re looking to arouse a woman who you’ve just met in a day game vs. a night game situation.
Now let’s look at the other situation when you likely will want to arouse a woman.
When You’re In a Relationship
Approximate Mental/Physical Scale:
85% mental / 15% physical
Many men make the fatal mistake of thinking that they can sit back and rest on their laurels once they get into a relationship (or even more fatal: a marriage). But the fact is: you never stop seducing your significant other.
The moment you think that you can just kick back and rest on your laurels is the moment when you’ll have to start dealing with the prospect of infidelity. It’s the moment where she’ll start to get bored with you and talk about all of the things that you “used to do” and start to seek all of the guys who are “so much more fun” than her boyfriend.
But that being said, arousing a woman in a relationship is much different from arousing a woman you just met. I often hear a lot of my female friends who are in long-term relationships say that arousal is an all-day process.
They’ll say things like:
“How does my boyfriend/husband expect me to have great sex with him when I’ve spent all day completely stressed out, he’s barely acknowledged me, and I feel unsexy and disconnected? Suddenly now that we’re in bed that’s all changed and I can be wild and sensual? I don’t think so.”
You see, for women in relationships, being intimate isn’t just about what happens in the bedroom. It’s about the little things. She’s invested herself in you, so her happiness lies in not only what happens in the sexual realm, but also what happens in the mental/emotional realm.
She wants to feel loved and sexy in all of these aspects. So if you want to know how to arouse your woman in a relationship, here’s what you must do:
Mind the little things. A good, healthy relationship is really all about the little things. Leaving her a note about how you appreciated the dinner that she cooked. Kissing her a bit longer before she leaves for work. Planning out a picnic on a Saturday when she didn’t think that anything particularly unique would happen. That’s how you keep the romance (read: arousal) alive in a woman. She has to feel that you’re still going out of your way to invest in her.
Keep improving yourself. I’ve said this in every relationship oriented post I’ve written. Because it’s that important. If a girl feels like you yourself are stagnating as a person, then she will feel like the relationship is stagnating. She will slowly start to lose respect for you. Being a true man is all about constant small improvement. 1% a day is all you need. She must never feel like she’s understood everything she could know about you and expect of you. As long as you are slightly better than you were yesterday, everything in life, and your relationship, will continue to open itself up to you – including your girl’s legs.
Keep the dynamic sexual. An interesting problem that I’ve noticed in the women I know who have been in 5+ year relationships is that they say that their sexual desire for their better half has declined or all but disappeared. I think that a lot of it is because men let their woman become too much of a non-sexual fixture in their lives. Instead, they spend all of their time talking about their finances, or the kids, or career moves. And eventually all of these things start to swallow up the sexual dynamic of the relationship.
It’s of utmost importance for men to maintain that dynamic. Make sexual jokes. Kiss her at random times. Surprise her with a special gift. You must keep the dynamic sexual to keep your woman aroused. I’ve seen older couples who have been married for decades who still somehow manage to keep the sexual dynamic. It may be a bit uncomfortable for spectators, but hey, they’re definitely always the happiest.
Never forget non-sexual touch. Arousing a woman in a relationship is just as much about the non-sexual touch as it is about the sexual. A woman needs to feel fully connected to you in order for her arousal to be maximized. Kiss her neck. Hold her hand. Hold her in general. Playfully push her. Just make sure to stay physically connected.
Keep things fresh in bed. This is important for arousal. Assuming you’ve accomplished all of the previous steps, you must keep things fresh in the bedroom. Nobody likes stagnancy. Especially in bed. Keep her guessing. Keep her excited. Keep her aroused.
These are the important steps to go through to keep a girl aroused in a long-term relationship.
How to Arouse a Woman: Parting Thoughts
Arousing women is fun, and in essence, relatively simple. But it’s a lot more nuanced than it may appear on the surface.
Just remember that it’s always going to be a mixture of the mental and the physical.
And the great thing about this skill is that it’s pretty fun to perfect.