First time at a bar picking up girls or going out on a hunch? Here are the three things you should do to optimize your chance for growth... and a few things I would have done different my first time around if I could do it all again.
All three points I am going to share with you will serve to illustrate a deep principle at the heart of improving with women.
Whether it is your first time heading out or if you are just curious about how you measure up and if your fundamentals are good or not, there will be a few thought-provoking ideas to be found here.
#1: Why Are You Out?
The first thing to consider is why you are out. Are you out because
you “should be” or are you out
because you would rather be out than at home?
No one of course would “rather be” out getting rejected and confused, but what I mean is, are you out because a twang of fear popped up and reminded you it is time to become someone more? If you would rather be afraid and alive than at home lazing about, that is a choice that, if authentic – like a fire burning in you – is going to have a cascade effect on your results.
The reason you should consider why you are even out in the first place is because context says something about who you are. If you think you should be somewhere else, chances are you are going to expect things to fly onto your lap and be disappointed when they don’t. While if you would rather be out, you will have a constantly reaffirming frame of “Why am I here? Because I’d rather be here than sitting at home eating chips and watching a movie”, which is a perfect reason to be out.
As soon as someone pushes past the superficial layers of your appearance and asks you a question, the difference between “I was told it’s good to be here” and “Argh! I don’t want to be that guy at home eating chips, he doesn’t go anywhere!” is going to show.
Lets take a look first at the right way to be:
Girl: “Hey, why are you all alone here?”
You: “Oh, just wanted to get out. It was between this and a movie at home. I chose this because I think it’s important to be active.”
Girl: “Right on!”
Instantly you appear like a genuinely open-minded and active person, which allows you to be honest with her and have an interesting conversation about fears and approaching life with her after that point if you want to.
If you are out because someone told you to be, it doesn’t come as naturally. Here is the wrong way to do it:
Girl: “Hey, why are you all alone here?”
You: “Oh, am I?” [Hmm, how do I fix this! Quick run back and get an answer!]
Girl: [This guy is deadweight]
If you choose to do something based on instruction, every single deterrent will seem like a game-ending scenario, because you will look for the bad rather than expand on the good things you’ve decided to pay attention to in life.
If there is one thing you must consider during your first times out, it is that you are out because you are aware of some things you want to avoid and you are open to learning more.
You must be open about that and show off courage to step up in life and never lead with excuses and denial. If there is one thing to avoid it is to act like you “know more” than people because you read something. You don’t know more; it is time to DISCOVER what it all really means!
#2: How on Edge are You?
The second thing to consider is, how on edge are you? How on edge are you capable of being? And why are you on edge?
If you are subduing an inner jittery feeling, are ready to turn on your charm, and feel this way because you are authentically nervous about where your life is taking you, then that is GREAT! It won’t feel great, but you will ebb and flow with opportunity.
Alternatively, if you are not on edge because you are convinced that you know what you need to do and are harbouring agitation rather than openness, it will make you numb to what is going on around you. If there is anything you want to avoid when out it is becoming numb, agitated, and settled in a one-track mind, because it is going to alienate you from others quickly.
So do be nervous, subdue it enough to function, and be ready for anything. It may not seem like a big difference, but it certainly adds up.
#3: “Oh Wow” Reactions
The third thing to consider is your “Oh wow” reactions. “Oh wow” reactions are the moments when you see a cute girl, a well-dressed guy, or a person doing something you don’t feel you can do.
Are you humbled, or are you staggered and start getting frustrated?
If you let your mind run amok it will own the night, and you’ll think things like “I’ll never be like them”, “They have it all”, “I want that!” and a divide will grow in what you expect and what you are making happen.
Be humble and say, “I really don’t know what is happening over there, so I shouldn’t make assumptions,” because that will lead you towards curiosity, openness, and stop you creating barriers.
Don’t create any problems for yourself by telling yourself others are a different breed from you. Instead, step up.
The Underlying Principle of Feeling
The reason I outline these three things is because one very crucial component of going out and meeting women is to FEEL; to operate off feelings rather than to operate off things you set and forget.
The dynamism you will get from these three adjustments alone will slingshot you into success much earlier. That is because these three principles are advanced foundations – things you repeatedly refine as you grow, but things that start here and now in your defining hours.
Here is a quick little story:
I’m eighteen and going out alone to my first club night. I didn’t have any knowledge behind me, just the good old-fashion fear of not being able to talk to girls. I get out of the car, get as fast as I can off the street, and when in the club, I go straight to the toilet.
Fear dragged me out that night and into that cubicle, but I come out on top in this story because of what happens next: I stopped myself freaking out, held my nerve, and then walked out into this almost empty club, up to the bar, and talked to the bar girl like it was nothing at all. I stepped up in my “Oh wow” moment.
I was of course just holding my fears in, but no one else seemed to notice. Later, some girls arrived and I went over to be friendly (not making assumptions). I told them I enjoyed the talk and wished them a good night and that they could come talk to me later if they ever felt like it (openness – I preferred to talk to them than do nothing).
I then went over and met another group of girls who came in the door because I didn’t want to awkwardly sit alone at the bar (again: openness, curiosity, and not doing nothing). And even though I was just trying to not look stupid, we got to talking and they took me up on an offer to dance.
An hour later and I was surrounded by a huge pack of all kinds of people having a great time. I wasn’t just perched alone, calculating and psyching myself out, feeding myself those negative thoughts.
I was already in deep, and because of that, no one caught on that it was my first time out. I took the pressures, put them on my shoulders, and I didn’t make assumptions; I just slowly did what I felt was best in the dynamics that popped up, because I felt I had something to lose.
So, if you are bugged by being out of your comfort zone, remember, it will force you to grow! Don’t ever use other people’s answers to numb yourself from the learning process. Face it boldly, because that is how you step up!
The three most important components to feeling are to:
Reduce your assumptions,
Take an active role, and
Take on the responsibilities of the tasks you are confronted with.
While it seems like there are no answers to be found by just choosing the more active role in life, by simply refusing to allow yourself to slip back into a hole, you open your mind to getting a FEEL for something.
We all have access to cynicism, and it is made all the more tempting by people knocking down your ideas. But you have to get beyond that to discover what is behind the curtain of your doubt and indecision.
Going out can seem intimidating, but you don’t need the answers if you can reach for your feelings, and if you don’t create barriers for yourself the odds will be on your side.
IF ONLY I had I had the experience I have now:
I would have reciprocated what girls did more, took my time with things, and not aimed to keep her hooked (knowing she probably wouldn’t stay hooked)
I would have calmed girls down when they started getting pushy (without being a buzzkill of course, but just so they didn’t overwhelm and confuse me too much)
I would have identified from the hazy mess what opportunities seemed to develop and shape up better and have kept them in mind for discreet intervention later
I would have been more open about what I liked, but more calm about how I expressed it so it didn’t get overshadowed by my enthusiasm
I would have paced myself, taken small time-outs, went on trips to get food (I did this, but I would have really savoured these moments much more and taken back my own space)
I would have nonchalantly told a girl she was cute, and offered to take her number, or go talk with her, then immediately after I would have calmed down, been natural, and told her that I was not looking to get overwhelmed by anything but I was open to sexual experience, so long as it lacked any attachments that might confuse me
If girls seemed to not listen, I would have politely left, got some food, and went for a walk to think (abundance often leads to going off to absorb what you feel and learn, rather than focusing on external events too much)
I would keep what happened to myself, and try to keep a composed emotional balance and remind myself to respect myself and that these are my choices, my memories, and to search for the things I’d like to feel more of
I’d not rush towards what girls excited me, but instead always calm myself, and not pedastalize ANYTHING
Your experiences may or may not be like mine, but what everyone can gain from the above is that you have to balance the chaotic results you get from your life with inner calm. In the beginning we think we should create big ideas, but all you really need to prepare yourself for is to not get carried away and lose sight of how you really want to be.
Remember who you are, break down your barriers, feel and develop from within who you want to become calmly.
Enjoy your time of discovery.